Chapter Text
Often, Jarek thought of a scruffy young teenager sitting behind the bars of an Imperial gaol. He thought of him without hope or reason to live. He thought of his life reduced to nothing but waiting for the next round of beating, of the next cruel thing that would be bestowed upon his fragile body. He thought of him and his dreams of escaping his torture reduced to soot and ash. He thought of all the places that the young man would have liked to go, the places that he would never see before his life of only a handful of years ended.
But then Dalamud had changed all of that.
It had torn open a doorway in the wall of the young teenager’s cell, a doorway into a world full of possibilities, a doorway to a new life, full of new purposes and people to meet. A doorway to finally getting to see the places he had always hoped to see.
But of all places that he had gotten the chance to see, Jarek had never expected to go to the moon.
He had also never expected to fell one of the primal gods that created his world.
And yet, the blood on his blade was no lie.
Solar had killed Lord Zodiark.
Solar had set the Final Days in motion.
And now they were surrounded by small rabbits.
The end of the world was nigh, why wouldn’t this happen?
He was relieved that Urianger, Thancred and Y’shtola’s timing had been more than just right. Jarek and his friends, harbingers of the Final Days, found that they really needed support. Zelda gravitated towards Thancred, though Jarek knew she would never admit it, while the Hrothgar attempted to glue himself to Urianger’s side.
He was scared .
He was so, so scared.
But, as usual, his beloved Elezen took that away, just a little bit. Just enough to make it bearable, so that his entirety was not overtaken with inky despair. Urianger did that for him; took Jarek’s fear and harboured it within his own chest instead. Jarek did not think he did it purposefully , but he was grateful all the same.
And when Urianger did not comment on how tightly Jarek held his hand as they crossed the surface of the moon together, the Hrothgar could not say that he minded. He didn’t know if he would ever feel ready to talk about the guilt that swarmed in his belly, but he knew that, one day, in the dark of the night when there was no one else around but their furniture and their bedsheets, Jarek would talk. He would talk and talk to listening pointed ears and he would feel all of these feelings again, fresh and raw and debilitating, but his chest would feel lighter for having imparted them to another. For having allowed someone to shoulder his burden.
Urianger’s shoulders had borne a lot of Jarek’s burdens in recent months. He was more than prepared to bear this one.
The Loporrits were a welcome distraction, Jarek thought. It was rather strange to be trying the taste of carrots and pulling on clothes that did not go well together at all with the Final Days playing out behind them, but Solar had seen stranger things throughout their quest to save the world. The Loporrits were sweet to be around and their lack of knowledge of the people of Etheirys today was a little amusing. At Urianger’s offer to help them learn more, Jarek found his heart growing. Kind, helpful Urianger, he who was always helping with barely a reward in return.
His paws padded alongside his friends, as they went about their business in Bestways Burrow, inspecting more of their preparations to receive the children of Etheirys upon the moon.
‘Surprised you’re not with Urianger,’ Veronyka said to him, tilting her head. ‘You usually follow him all the time. You’re not afraid of anything happening?’
‘He’s got his own stuff going on,’ Jarek said. ‘He doesn’t need me getting under his feet. Besides, they won’t hurt him, how could they? They’re only little.’
‘I suppose so,’ Veronyka said. ‘Well, I think it’s nice to spend time with you alone, we haven’t done that in a long time.’
‘Not since my accident,’ Jarek said, shrugging his left arm, the metal prosthetic grunting as it was moved.
‘I’ve missed you. Losing your arm has taken so much of your shine away.’
‘Oh, Nyka…’ the Hrothgar said, frowning and putting his right arm around her shoulders. ‘I’m sorry, moy myshka .’
‘Hey, don’t you go apologising for it,’ the Miqo’te said, though she leaned into her dad’s one-armed hug. ‘I’m not blaming you at all. After we save the world, we’ll just have to make more time for tea together.’
‘Well, Urianger has plenty of that around,’ Jarek chuckled. ‘I’m sure he’d be glad to make you a cup… or three. We both would.’
‘I’ll hold you to that, Dad,’ Veronyka said with a grin.
‘I expect nothing else.’
‘Alright! Here we are!’ their Loporrit guide, Growingway, cried, gesturing with his hands to a high-tech contraption that looked to be a teleporter. ‘I wanted you all to see the living quarters! They are quite marvelous, I assure you.’
‘We’d be glad to,’ Zelda said with a gentle smile. ‘How does it work?’
‘You’ll have to go one at a time, otherwise, it can get a little temperamental,’ Growingway said. ‘So, who wants to go first?!’
They all turned to look at each other, concerned gazes falling upon each other. And then, Jarek shrugged.
‘I may as well,’ he said. ‘What’s the worst that could happen?--’ at the sight of the Loporrit’s mouth opening to answer, he quickly continued: ‘Don’t answer that actually.’
‘If you’re sure,’ Growingway responded, ‘then just step onto that platform and we’ll get you down there!’
The Hrothgar stepped into position, throwing a smile full of mirth. ‘If I’m blown to bits by this, promise me that someone will feed Clarion and Couja,’ he said, referring to his lion and saber-tooth tiger who he often used as mounts, but were a welcome addition around his and Urianger’s cottage.
‘Of course, old friend,’ Astrid said with a chuckle. ‘See you on the other side.’
There were few things that could rattle famed and esteemed Warriors of Light, who had undertaken the most gruelling trials that would have, and had been , the end to many others. And ‘ Oh no! ’ being the last thing that Jarek heard before his friends disappeared from view was one of those things.
He expected to feel something . Perhaps cold marble under his feet as he entered Hydaelyn’s halls. Perhaps an overwhelming sense of loss as he was faced with all of his sins and his regrets. Perhaps a tearing sensation as he was ripped apart limb-from-limb by the teleporter.
But, if he felt anything, it was a chill and then a wave of nausea that passed as quickly as it had arrived, and then he felt… fine .
He blinked, looking around to try and understand where he had ended up, to see if he was alone or surrounded by Loporrits who wished to experiment on him.
He seemed to be in one piece, he thought, as he realised he was on the top floor of the main hall. Even his prosthetic had teleported with him and seemed relatively unharmed, so at least there would be no emergency visits to see Cid.
And then he heard a voice. A familiar voice.
‘A private audience, as thou didst request,’ came the voice. ‘For reasons I know not…’
Jarek would know such a voice anywhere. It was a voice that was so ingrained within his daily life that if he were without it, he felt ill at ease. From the moment he woke up to when he fell asleep, this voice murmured into his ear. And he would not have it any other way. He hoped it would be this, always, for as long as the world allowed it.
His fiancé, Urianger Augurelt.
‘He’ll like this little anecdote, I’m sure,’ Jarek mumbled to himself, taking a step to walk over to the Elezen and take his rightful place at his side, for them to be together again, their souls entwined as was their way.
But then–
Why was he up here in the first place?
A stone of dread sunk down to the pit of his belly as he remembered Livingway’s request of the Elezen. She had not imparted what exactly it was, and Jarek had paid little mind to it.
He could have kicked himself. Who was he to call himself a protector, a guardian, when he could not even look out for the one who meant the most to him? When his ears had not picked up the strange words and singled them out?
And now it looked as though Urianger would be asked to lie again , asked to keep secrets again .
He had promised , however, for there to be no more lies . He had said that his heart could not take it any longer, that his guilt was too much to bear, that the very real danger that Jarek and his friends had been in on the First had made him want to spill every untruth, every secret that was still buried in his chest. Jarek had noticed that the poor man could barely hold his honesty in some days, as if he was terrified of being branded a liar again, as if he would rather bare his ugly truths than see suspicious eyes narrowing in his direction.
He had suffered so much .
And he kept all of his feelings hidden, perhaps the only secret that he would allow himself.
He did not wish to be a burden, did not wish to be seen as weak by his comrades, did not wish to make anyone worry .
But, of course, with Jarek around, there would always be at least one person to do just that.
And now, Jarek was worrying that Urianger would be swept up into another plot, another scheme, and he would not be able to pull himself free.
‘And so fate doth conspire to set my feet upon this path once more,’ Urianger said, his tone sounding so unbelievably sad that it was all Jarek could do not to run to him and sweep him up in his arms.
If Jarek were the type, he might call the scene before him a test . A test wherein Urianger would prove the depths of his vows and his promises by getting himself out of the plan that the Loporrits offered him. A test wherein Urianger proved himself, where he officially put down his title of ‘ liar ’.
‘Will you do this for us, Urianger?’ Livingway asked.
But Jarek was not the type. He believed in Urianger wholly and completely, in times when no one else did. It had always been so. How could he not believe the Elezen’s words? How could he not believe when he had seen the way that the man had crumbled beneath the weight of the world? How could he not believe when he had fallen apart in Jarek’s arms and begged for the Hrothgar to put him back together? If there was one thing that the Hrothgar believed in this world of misfits and cruelty, it was Urianger. And that would never change, not for anything. It would be this, always, for as long as the world allowed it.
‘I…’ Urianger began, his words failing him in the moment.
And before Jarek could step forward to aid him, his attention was pulled away by the sound of running footsteps and a high-pitched voice.
‘There you are!’ Growingway cried. ‘For a big guy, you sure were hard to find!’
‘Are you okay?’ Zelda asked, coming to a stop in front of him and folding her arms.
‘Aye, I am fine, my lady,’ Jarek said, his gaze flicking to her for a moment to offer a warm smile, before returning to where Urianger had been.
To find him walking away, the group of Loporrits at his heels.
He had been too late.
Zelda frowned at Jarek’s divided attention and followed his gaze to see Urianger’s retreating back. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ she asked, suspicion worrying its teeth at the edge of her tone.
The Hrothgar drew in a deep breath through his nose and let it out evenly, steadying himself. ‘I’m sure,’ he said, though his stomach started to turn even as he spoke the words. But he pushed it away. He would not allow himself to doubt his fiancé. Not when he was probably the only one that didn’t.
It would all turn out right in the end.
Surely…
Try as he might to slip away, Jarek was dragged along with the rest of Solar to accompany Growingway on his tour of the remaining areas of Bestways Burrow. Pulled into a walk through a forest made of crystals, of all things. He wondered if his friends noticed his bristling, his agitation. For a man who was often described as having nigh-endless patience, sometimes Jarek wondered how well he lived up to such a moniker.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Veronyka asked, looking up at her agitated adopted father as they walked through Endsvale at the back of the group together.
‘Aye,’ Jarek said, looking down at her with a tense smile.
‘Your tail says otherwise,’ she said, looking behind him at his lashing tail.
‘Ah…’ the Hrothgar rumbled. How far she had come, he often thought, from that lost little Miqo’te girl that had latched onto him in the streets of Ul’Dah. ‘I’m just… worried about Urianger, that’s all… the usual, really.’
Veronyka hummed, nodding. ‘It was worrying to see him so secretive… again,’ she said.
Jarek’s ear flicked as he sensed the bitterness in her tone. ‘Yeah…’ he said, a heaviness in his voice that made his daughter’s chest ache.
‘I don’t want you to get hurt again,’ she said, reaching for his hand. ‘If he is lying again–’
‘He’s not,’ Jarek said firmly, closing his fingers around Veronyka’s hand, his much larger fist covering his daughter’s completely. ‘I just… he’s not. He… he can’t be. I refuse to stand here and doubt him. Too many people have done that in his life and I’ve never wanted to be one of those people.’
His daughter smiled, nodding at him. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘He doesn’t deserve doubt, I know this… but I’m concerned either way.’
‘You and I both, moy myshka ,’ Jarek said. ‘I believe in him, I really do … but…’ His shoulders dropped a little, his jaw tensing as he grit his teeth.
‘He’s making it difficult right now, isn’t he?’
Jarek’s ears pinned back. ‘A little,’ he said. ‘Gods… I sound awful, don’t I?’
‘Of course not,’ Veronyka said, shaking her head. ‘No one can doubt your love for him, they’d be blind if they tried.’
The Hrothgar chuckled. ‘You’re not wrong there, love.’
And it was there that they arrived at the end of their stroll. Jarek’s mind was elsewhere as conversation buzzed between them. And then his ears perked up as he saw a familiar figure walking towards them.
He broke away from the group to go towards him, the man who could put his mind at ease and send it into a panic within moments.
‘Hey, Moonlight,’ Jarek said, his hand reaching for Urianger’s.
The Elezen smiled, a tension leaving his shoulders upon beholding his Hrothgar in his gaze. He took Jarek’s hand almost eagerly, squeezing gently. ‘Greetings, mine beloved,’ he said, ‘art thou well?’
‘Well enough,’ the Hrothgar said, his heart skipping a beat at the gentle smile on Urianger’s face. ‘I’m more worried about you, though, I saw you talking with the Loporrits earlier, and–’
‘Ah… I prithee, Ladybird,’ the Elezen said, something flickering out in his eyes, ‘do not concern thyself with that, ‘twas nothing, I assure thee.’
‘But it was something ,’ Jarek insisted.
‘Ladybird, please…’
‘Uri, be honest with me, have you been asked to keep secrets again?’
‘I…’
‘What are you two doing over there?’ Livingway called. ‘Come over here, don’t isolate yourselves from us!’
‘Our attendance is required, ‘twould seem,’ Urianger said, his gaze looking anywhere but at Jarek. ‘Come.’
And before the Hrothgar could utter another word, the Elezen had walked over to the rest of Solar, where Thancred, Y’shtola, Livingway and Mappingway were waiting.
And Jarek had never felt so nauseous in his life.
It was happening again.
And he felt so powerless to stop it.
Everyone would turn against him again. They would shun him and push him away, disappointment radiating from them. And, worst of all, Urianger would bear it. He would stand there and take it with his head bowed and endless apologies on his lips. He would think he deserved it and not raise a hand to shield himself from their blows. Perhaps he would even welcome it.
‘Please,’ Jarek mumbled. ‘Please, please , say no this time… you can’t go through this again, it’ll break you .’
‘Jarek?’ Zito called to the Hrothgar.
‘Sorry,’ he said, turning to face his friends. ‘Just… got caught up in my own head there.’
‘Careful of that one,’ Thancred chuckled.
‘Aye, aye, I know,’ Jarek said, waving a hand in dismissal. ‘Now, what have I missed?’
How he managed to keep himself together, he didn’t know. But then again, miracles happened every day, did they not?
He couldn’t concentrate during the conversation, his mind racing and twisting like a feral dog, and his gaze lingering on Urianger. There was a physical ache in his chest when he saw his fiancé looking uncomfortable being beheld in the Hrothgar’s sight. He looked away and down at the floor, his stomach churning and his eyes burning.
‘Forgive me, friends, but I must beg your leave,’ Urianger said, after Livingway and Mappingway left to go about their own business. ‘There is another matter which yet begs for mine attention.’
‘Of course,’ Thancred said. ‘We can accompany you if you like.’
Jarek nodded in agreement, desperate to stay by his fiancé’s side.
The Elezen shook his head. ‘Nay, that will not be necessary,’ he said. ‘If you will excuse me.’
His mouth opened, ready to protest, but he could not find the words he wished to say, could not find the words to express the emotions that flooded his chest.
And all Urianger gave him was an apologetic smile before he turned and walked away.
Jarek shuddered at the wave of nausea that rose in his throat, that made his stomach twist painfully. It really was happening again. And he could not stop it .
What kind of fiancé was he?
As he stood there, heart pounding with his shame, Thancred approached his side, a tentative hand reaching up to pat his shoulder. ‘He’s acting strange,’ he said. ‘Well, stranger than usual, at least. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. Why don’t you go and check on him?’
Jarek nodded. ‘You needn’t ask me twice, trust me,’ he said.
Before he made to leave, however, he turned to Zelda.
She looked back at him, her head tilting slightly. Red eyes regarded him, but where he once crumbled under her gaze in a feeble attempt to bolster his own vulnerability after his accident to force himself to appear strong and still worthy of her respect, now his shoulders squared and his back straightened, a strength in them that did not come from his own pretences. His heart was heavy and pounding hard with his shame, but his jaw set and his eye steeled, a determination to set this right rippling through the leaves of his forested pupil.
Though her mouth did not move, Zelda felt something in her chest swell a little. He had grown, she realised. Not only from the numbing trauma of his accident, but even from when she had first invited him into the folds of Solar. He was a different man from then; a strong man with his heart on his sleeve, a heart that beat with kindness in its veins, and was that not the most miraculous thing about him? Jarek Epocan, one of the famed Warriors of Light, his body bearing the scars of his journey – one eye useless and half of his arm missing – and his mind crumbling from the weight of his memories, and yet he still had it in him to offer kindness to anyone, wherever he went, whoever they were. Jarek Epocan, the man who loved until his heart broke, the man who had come to her with his heart already split in two.
She was pleased to be able to call him her friend, for his kindness to encompass her in its warm embrace.
‘Zelda,’ Jarek said, a sigh escaping his nose, ‘this might seem an odd request, but… would you come with me to find Urianger?’
The leader of Solar blinked twice, brows furrowing. ‘Are you sure you want me to go?’ she asked. ‘If he’s keeping secrets again, after he swore to us– to you – that he wouldn’t do so again, I shan’t hold back. I shall give him a piece of my mind no matter how harsh the words come out.’
The Hrothgar sighed again, nodding his head slowly. ‘Aye…’ he said. ‘But I think he might need to hear it… if that’s what he’s up to.’
For no matter how dire the situation looked, Jarek could not help but cling to that belief that his fiancé was not keeping secrets again, that he had learned , that all of that guilt that had come tumbling out into Jarek’s arms meant something . He was the one who believed in Urianger when no one else did; they were partners , how could he give up on him like that? Not on Urianger, the man who put his faith in Jarek when all else seemed doomed to ash and ruin.
He couldn’t.
It would be too cruel to do so.
And Jarek was anything but a cruel man.
‘If that is your wish,’ Zelda said, readying herself to accompany the Hrothgar.
They found him leaving the Burrow. Jarek tilted his head, wondering why Urianger would want to go wandering alone outside, vulnerable to any and all of the hostile creatures that roamed the surface of the moon.
He opened his mouth to call to the Elezen’s retreating back, before Zelda put a hand on his arm, drawing Jarek’s attention down to her.
‘Don’t call to him yet,’ she whispered. ‘If he knows we’re following him, he might not open up to us how we need him to.’
The Hrothgar nodded. ‘Aye, good point,’ he rumbled back.
And so, they tracked him. As if he were some sort of common criminal. As if they were to ambush him at the last moment, pinning him beneath their weights and binding him, preparing to return him to the justice keepers of Eorzea. Several times, Urianger turned his head over his shoulder, sensing someone there, to which the pair ducked behind the nearest cover, Jarek having to crouch down a little more to hide his bulkier self.
And, by the Twelve , he felt rotten for it.
But he stayed quiet, following along the path up to the surface of the moon, where there was no cover left and it was just him, Zelda and Urianger standing there on the wide expanse of Hydaelyn’s creation.
All of them left exposed.
Urianger was left vulnerable under the gazes of a man who held his heart and his trust close to his chest, and a woman whose friendship he had squandered by following along with the Exarch’s plan on the First, a friendship that had still not healed and their interactions, few and far between as they were, held the stiff formality of people who thought they had known each other, but had been proven wrong in the end.
Jarek noticed Urianger’s chest rise with the deep, steadying breath that he took. So subtle was it, that the Hrothgar was uncertain that, if he had not been looking for something in his fiancé’s body language, he would not have seen it.
The Elezen’s mouth tilted upwards in a smile, bright and warm as ever. Even here on the cold, unforgiving surface of the moon, he shone like the sun.
‘Thine arrival is timely as ever,’ he said, a softness in his eyes as he beheld Jarek, quickly turning to nerves as his gaze lingered on Zelda.
The pair of Warriors of Light came to a stop in front of Urianger, Zelda folding her arms and Jarek unsure what to do with his own, longing to reach out and take the Elezen in his embrace. He could not help but smile at Urianger, his fiancé’s mere presence soothing the rolling in his belly.
‘Thou didst chance to overhear my conversation with Livingway, I presume?’ Urianger asked, before the silence edged on the side of too awkward.
‘Aye,’ Jarek said with a nod. ‘It was just me though… I brought Zelda along, in case…’ he trailed off, feeling shame gnaw at his chest, shame that he was openly admitting that he had doubted his fiancé.
The Elezen nodded, understanding filling him from the inside out. He did not blame Jarek for wanting a backup plan. He would have done the same if the roles were reversed. ‘‘Twas not mine intent to move in shadow,’ he said, a sigh rippling at the edge of his words. ‘Nevertheless, I have been asked to do that and more yet again…’
The two Warriors stayed quiet, Zelda glancing up at Jarek to see his reaction. There was a feeling in her chest, one that she could not quite place.
Jarek’s heart lurched to see a smile encrusted with bitterness spread over Urianger’s features. ‘Is it so plain that these strangers could intuit it at a glance? My capacity for silence and secrecy… and duplicity,’ he said, not meeting the gazes of his companions. There was hurt in his tone, in his heart. He had carried this for so long, suffered for so long. Jarek had been there to take the load of the burden, but had it been enough?
‘When G’raha Tia did contrive to deliver the First at the price of his own life, I was complicit in the scheme. A sacrifice averted, for a mercy,’ Urianger continued, now raising his gaze to look off over the surface of the moon. Etheirys seemed to over take his pupils, taking up a temporary residence there. ‘Would that I could say the same for Minfilia. One life for one world. And by that bloody bargain brokered by my hand were the Scions robbed of a dear comrade, and F’lhaminn her beloved daughter.’ There it was. That pain in his tone that Jarek had heard time and time again, whispered into his ear on the darkest of nights, no one else around to hear it, to share in a private moment between lovers. Until now.
Urianger wondered what Zelda thought of him and all of his words. He was good at saying things, but he wasn’t as good at doing things, at changing . He wondered whether she would take these words to heart or whether even she was bored of the same sorry tune from his mouth. She was quiet, something that he was a little worried about, hoping that this wouldn’t sour her relationship with him further. There was a sprout of hope in his chest that this might, in fact, get them talking again.
He missed her.
‘Two souls whose selflessness was beyond measure, whose resolve was unshakable . They would not be moved even had I thought to protest–’ Urianger shook his head, shame bubbling at his lips like blood – ‘But protest I did not. Far from it. I pushed them forward.’
Jarek felt his heart begin to ache. He thought often of how Urianger had seemed so close and yet so far away on the First. He knew there had been something wrong, something that he was not being told. But he could also sense how desperately Urianger had wanted to tell him, to ease the burden on his shoulders. But he could not. He had been sworn to secrecy, and Urianger was a man of his word. Even if such an honour landed him in hot water more times than not.
‘No effort did I make to seek out alternatives. Ones that would not demand such terrible costs.
That resignation weigheth heavy on my mind, as does the memory of another lost to mine inaction,’ the Elezen said, his gaze dropping to the ground beneath their feet as melancholy and grief settled its dead weight on him.
‘Dearest Moenbryda, who did face death unflinching, that we might secure a means to bring low the Ascians,’ Urianger whispered, his voice barely audible in the silence.
Jarek bowed his head, while Zelda looked away, her memory hanging heavy over the both of them. She had not been the first person he had ever seen die, but she had been the first to give herself willingly for him and his friends. One life for one world, as had spilled from many tongues along his journey. But Moenbryda had been the first to act upon it.
And Urianger had harboured her loss, her sacrifice, her death, in his heart for such a long time. His guilt was palpable. He had taken it upon his shoulders, as he was wont to do for many things. He blamed himself.
And such a thing had never crossed Jarek’s mind before.
They did not talk about Moenbryda. It wasn’t as if she were some kind of unfavourable secret, some kind of secret lover. Jarek knew how much she had meant to his beloved Urianger, he was thankful to her in many ways for bringing the man out of his shell, for allowing him to be who he wanted to be. For being his friend in a time when they were few and far between in the Elezen’s life. And because of this knowledge, Jarek did not pry about her, about that time in Urianger’s life, fearing that he would only upset his partner further.
‘In her hour of need, I did… naught. Dutiful disciple of Louisoix, ever looking to the greater good…’ A stain of sarcasm and self-deprecation spread across Urianger’s last sentence. He shut his eyes for a moment, perhaps against the weight of his shame, perhaps to push back tears that threatened to fall. But when he opened them again, Jarek saw such pain and sadness in them that he wished the Elezen had kept them shut. ‘Had I shut mine eyes and bid her live instead, mayhap she would be with us today.’
Jarek wished he could say something, but all he could do was listen. Urianger needed this, needed to get this off of his chest. And Jarek was always there to listen, to stay quiet while Urianger’s feelings tumbled out of him, and hold him when they had crashed to the ground and done their damage.
And that would not change now.
Zelda was quiet too, though Jarek knew she was listening just as intently as he was. This was probably the longest that she and Urianger had spent in each other’s company for quite some time. They had fallen out after Urianger had revealed his involvement in the Exarch’s plan and they had never gotten the chance to make up. Even when Zelda had visited their house after Jarek’s injury, staying for tea and a chance to catch up outside of work, her attention had been on Jarek. And Urianger, Jarek knew, had been content with such. Perhaps he felt it was a just damnation for his sins, an atonement for what he had done. Urianger took punishment on his shoulders so easily, so readily.
As he was showing Jarek and Zelda now.
He had been punishing himself for years .
‘Selfish wants born of everlasting regrets. Most days I put them from my mind, but could think of naught else when asked to swallow the same bitter draught. Subterfuge and sacrifice,’ Urianger let out a sigh, his burdens heavy. ‘Mayhap the right, moral choice, but one I regard with great trepidation.’
There was a shift, then, in Urianger’s demeanour. Perhaps it was deliberate, perhaps it was to take his mind off of his lost friend. Or, perhaps, such sadness had sent him down his next path.
‘The calamity of Amaurot was a tragedy beyond reckoning. One which must never again come to pass,’ Urianger said, his tone thoughtful, though it did not buckle for the resolution that the Elezen seemed to find in himself. ‘Thus must we struggle. Haunted by ghosts of those we have lost. Clinging to those we pray we can yet save.’
For those we have lost, for those we can yet save . The words were twisted, sad , but the meaning was the same.
‘But what of those we cannot?’ Urianger’s voice quivered, then, and Jarek’s ears pinned back to hear it. The edge of his voice was rough with the tears that he held back in his throat. He hung his head, his shoulders slumping. ‘How do we make peace with the dreadful algebra of necessity?’
Jarek thought for a moment, seeing that glimmer in Urianger’s eyes that begged an answer to his question, for the Hrothgar to impart some kind of wisdom to him, as Urianger was always doing the same for him. And then–
‘Have faith in yourself and your decisions. Take heart and protect well those you can,’ Jarek said, the words of Radz-at-Han’s great wyrm flowing from where he had kept them in his heart.
Urianger’s eyebrows raised, his eyes widening a little. ‘Sage counsel, indeed…’ he said.
‘Something that Vrtra said to me,’ the Hrothgar said. ‘It stuck, I suppose.’
‘I see. Wisdom as befits a great wyrm,’ the Elezen said. And then a smile blossomed on his face. ‘Curious that he should think thee in need of such encouragement.’
Jarek grinned, his shield on his back seeming to grow a little heavier, as if it were endeavouring to remind the Hrothgar of its presence, of its purpose. But, it was only a tool that the Paladin used to aid him in his own, personal goal; to protect his loved ones. It was his heart that pushed him to protect, the shield and sword simply helping his hand.
Urianger’s attention turned to Zelda, golden eyes only able to meet ruby red for a split second. She had been so quiet while he was talking – talking too much , as usual – that worry continued to claw at him. How little it took to send him into a panic. ‘Strange… Scarcely can I remember when last we spoke alone, and so candidly,’ he said, a hand on his chin.
Zelda nodded. ‘It has been a while,’ she said. She took in a breath and let it out slowly. ‘Urianger,’ she began, and the Elezen felt himself tense, ‘I’m glad you’ve said all of this. I’m glad that I was here to listen to this. I do not regret my feelings or actions towards you in the recent past, but… I think we should try to move forward. You’ve held all of this for so long and I would see you let it go. Now, I’m sure Jarek will be the one to help you with a lot of what you’ve said, but even I can help a little bit. Even if it’s just having one extra friend.’
The Elezen met her gaze then, and Jarek felt something shift in the air. For so long, Urianger had told Jarek his worries about Zelda never trusting him again, but, perhaps, these worries might be put to bed after such a conversation that had transpired on the surface of the moon.
Urianger took a breath in. ‘I thank thee,’ he said. ‘For all my supposed skill with words, I find it difficult to express such private thoughts.’
‘Oh, I know all about that,’ Jarek said with a chuckle, pleased to be able to lighten the mood somewhat.
‘Indeed,’ his fiancé said, ears pinking a little. He cleared his throat. ‘As for the Loporrits’ proposition… I will take time and consider how to respond. ‘Twould be to our mutual benefit if we could converse more openly with our aspiring caretakers…’ He paused, a hand to his chest. ‘… A concern I should be glad to address on the Scions’ behalf.’
Jarek’s heart felt as it would burst open in his chest, all of his feelings inside it spilling out and flooding his lungs, his ribs, everything .
He had watched this man grow, right before his eyes. A green stem flourishing over time, leaves sprouting and reaching up towards the sky. It had taken him years to get to such a point, but…
By the Twelve, was it beautiful to finally see his petals.
‘To dispense with all pretence and bare one’s heart to another is a frightening thing indeed. But we cannot move forward ere we take that bold first step,’ Urianger said, a smile on his face. ‘A lesson I have learned many times before… and today.’
Jarek could do little more than grin even wider. His chest, still fit to burst, was aching with pride. All of that doubt, all of that fear, that had harboured in his chest from mere hours ago had disappeared. It had vanished with each word that had spilled from Urianger’s tongue. Though it had made his heart hurt to hear, and see, how much sadness and guilt had been gnawing away at the Elezen, Jarek could not help but prefer to hear of that , rather than for him to have reluctantly followed along with yet another secret.
And he wondered whether he would ever stop falling for Urianger, time and time again. He wondered whether Urianger would ever stop amazing him with his resolve and his selflessness and his sense of duty that was, perhaps, the strongest of all the Scions.
He wondered whether he would ever become accustomed to the way that Urianger, with such ease, could take his heart in his hands and lift it up anew, could strip him off all his defences and strike at his vulnerable centre.
He wondered whether he would ever want Urianger to stop doing exactly that.