Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I often feel like I'm trapped underwater. Drowning into murky depths with no one there to pull me back up. Throughout the years people would attempt to help me. People who claimed to be friends or family, and yet they couldn't do anything unless it profited them. How many people I gave my heart to and laid my head in their lap thinking they were kind. Thinking I was safe. 

Yet time and time again, they proved otherwise. I was pushed back underwater, screaming and struggling, realizing each time it was time to stop trusting everyone. 

There was one person in this life I knew would be there, who even challenged me to become a stronger person. Pansy Parkinson was my one true friend since we were in the 1st grade. Two unlucky personalities thrown together because our fathers wanted to partner up. During our school years, we found each other's common ground and figured each other out. We still had our differences, but she was still the one who held my hand tight no matter what.

I never thought she'd let go and maybe I was foolish to think so. Maybe my father was right, friends are temporary. Friends will always leave you in the end, taking your heart with them. 

Life is cruel. People are awful, not to be trusted no matter what the case was. In the end, everyone would end up stabbing you deep in the back and then blame you for placing the knife there yourself. I came to see that during my 3rd year of university. Where my life started to descend into pure madness, pulling everything I had out from under me. 

So, we will start from the beginning of it all. 

The summer holidays before the autumn term of our 3rd year were brutal. Father got me going over studies and business modules for the majority of the summer. He allowed my August to stay open and that was when Pansy had an idea. Her ideas were either one of two things. 

Either the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard or absolutely fucking brilliant. Sometimes they were so far-fetched they worked. 

This time she decided to create a list with me. Since I’d been locked up in the Manor for the majority of my life, I didn’t have the pleasure of experiencing much. I spent most of my free time sitting on the roof of the house, listening to music or reading. When Pansy came over, it made my roof time all the better. And now Father was loosening his reigns just a bit, allowing Pansy to whisk me away on adventures. 

For this list Pansy took charge, writing down every single thing I could do. Everything I missed out on in the previous years. Asked me what were some things I wanted to try or things I’d seen on TV. Which again, I never really experienced. The most I got was finding a stash of 80s movies in the house and binging them all summer. These shows and movies, specifically the romantic ones, stirred something within me. 

I could have that. I could be that happy with someone. Something beyond living in this house and waiting to be married off. Freedom like that didn’t seem possible. I’d seen the Life Plan my parents prepared for me and a list of potential women they lined up. One lucky candidate would be paid a disgustingly large amount of money to become my wife. No matter how miserable either one of us was, we were to stay together and have at least one son. Said son would be placed into the same cage as me and become the next Malfoy heir. 

For the longest time, Pansy and I planned to get married to escape our families, but Father caught wind of this and marked her off the list of wives. He hated how chummy we’d gotten, practically glued at the hip. He especially despised the influence she brought upon me—turning me into a feral beast ready to tear apart the Malfoy name. 

The worst was when I realized I was gay. When the men in those movies stood out to me and I fantasized about kissing them. Dreams about going on dates with them and maybe other things too. 

It terrified me and I treated it like a disease taking over me. I couldn’t be gay. It didn’t fit into Father’s plan for me and no heroic stand from Pansy could save me from this. 

I remembered the night Pansy and I sat on the roof, tears streaming out of my eyes, and Pansy trying her best to comfort me. She kept demanding to know who the fuck hurt me and kept trying to offer me a cigarette. My tears made her uncomfortable because she never knew what to do, but this time she sensed something was up. 

“Pansy, I’m gay.” 

“Oh, Draco,” she sighed with relief, “was that it? I mean, sorry, good for you. But why are you sobbing over this?”

I looked up at her with snot dripping out of my nose. With my eyes bloodshot to hell, I simply began to cry harder. She didn’t wince nor pull away. Didn't make her usual attempt to make me laugh to clear the air. I felt her scoot over to sit closer to me and draped an arm over my shoulders. 

She kissed the side of my head, which stopped my tears for a second. Any sort of affection from Pansy was rare. Far more than rare. She despised physical affection, especially when it came to hugs and comforting others. However, there were instances where she would hug me tight or hold my hand at school knowing I preferred to be touched. We never spoke about it, but I loved her more for trying. It seemed that I was her only exception ever since she embraced the 'big sister' title.

“It’s Lucius, isn't it? You're scared of him, right?” she spoke against my head. 

My hands grew cold from Father’s name. It was like a switch went off inside of me every time I heard it, completely destroying any sense of calm within. The air was closing out of my lungs as the panic began to set in. If Father found out he wouldn’t spare a single expense to get it out of me. 

“Pansy, I can’t be gay! I need to get rid of this,” I cried out and Pansy pulled away to grab my shoulders. 

“HEY,” she snapped, “be proud of it, okay? You’re gay. Embrace that shit. If you gotta fight for it, I’ll stand by your side.”

I stared into her eyes, feeling them well up again, “I don’t know what to do with it.”

“Well, first of all, stop treating it like some kind of sickness,” she said, “plus think about how going back to school will be now. You can come out and you know, maybe you’ll find someone? It’ll be okay.”

“I can’t come out. Father will find out.”

“He won’t.”

“He will. He has ears and eyes everywhere. Even if he lets me live in the dorms this year, he’ll still be there to see how I’m doing.”

Pansy sighed loud, “Draco, c’mon. Stand up for yourself. You have to show others you aren’t here for their shit and that your best friend Pansy is always around the corner to beat their ass.”

I sniffled with a small smile knowing she was right. Nothing could possibly go wrong with her by my side. 

“And lacrosse! You have an excuse to beat others with a stick. I hear Marcus Flint is stepping down from Captain and you might get the position soon. The Slytherin team is pretty nice, they’ll accept you for whatever you are,” she said. 

I frowned, “Pansy, they’re nice to you because they’re scared of you. Theodore went batshit crazy on me last year and gave me a bruised rib and broken arm. Then Blaise teamed up with Daphne to pour weird liquids into my lacrosse shoes every week just for fun. I had to play in wet shoes every game. I don’t even want to start with the rest of them.”

“Theodore Nott is a little bitch,” Pansy rolled her eyes, “the rest I’ve been trying to corner. Though Blaise’s parents are crazy rich too so I can’t really touch a hair on his head. Maybe I’ll add him to this year’s Hit List and try again.”

Pansy’s annual Hit List was a list of people she would hunt down and make their lives miserable. Every person had a reason, she never went after anyone without one unless there was an exception. Lots of people also commissioned her to go after bullies and she gladly did it. Though a few people on that list were ones who simply pissed her off and she spared nothing in bashing them in. 

Which is usually why no one came after me. Till the previous year, of course, when people learned to get away with it. By the time I’d tell Pansy it’d be too late. Or times when I didn’t tell her out of embarrassment. I attempted to take on a lot of my own fights, which only placed a bigger target on my back for others. 

University was difficult for this reason. It wasn’t just about academics like I wished it’d be. The politics and people were what made up a majority of it. Without a thick skin, they’d eat you alive. I didn’t know it yet, but the 3rd year would be the most gruelling year I’d experience at school. 

It all began with Pansy’s idea to create the list of things for me to accomplish. We’d seen enough movies off the list to make me dizzy, but one of the biggest ideas was yet to come. After getting drunk on the roof as one of the list points, she challenged me to come up with something completely left-field. Drunk me suggested singing at a nightclub in a disguise. 

Somehow we ended up booking the stage at a local gay bar and when sober we realized in horror what we did. After a lot of screaming and Pansy uncontrollably laughing for five minutes straight, she agreed this was The Thing to do before school. 

“Nothing can top this. Your Father would definitely not approve of this,” she said. 

So there I sat in the passenger seat of her car, wearing a black cocktail dress and a huge fur boa. A lush black wig on me and makeup done personally by Pansy. I kept trying to hide my legs, not the happiest about the slit in the dress. My mind was racing in a panic about my parents seeing me like this. 

Yet something about it, the thrill of being caught like this, was getting me excited. 

I kept opening the overhead mirror and peeking at myself. The hair, the lashes, the red lips—everything about this was absurd. The makeup felt uncomfortable and the lashes were heavy, but I couldn’t stop admiring myself. 

“Wait,” I turned to her, “I can’t fucking sing.”

She smiled, “Oh, don’t even worry you’ll be lip-syncing a song. I’ll tell you the song beforehand. The owners were a little surprised by all this, but I paid them a good amount of hush money.”

Maybe dressing up like this was fine, but performing in front of a crowd? Suddenly I began to see past the beauty of the look. An actual crowd felt daunting. What if someone recognized me? What happened when someone from school found out? What kind of rumours would even start? Draco Malfoy finds a cross-dressing hobby? 

We sped down the empty road and I felt the heat rising in my chest and face. 

“Okay, but dressed like a woman? Why couldn’t you give me a beard?” 

“ Draco, you look fabulous. I’ll even let you come up with a stage name.”

“Pansy!” 

“Yes?” she said, “what is it?” 

“Stop the car.” 

Looking a little worried now, she pulled over to the side of the road. Glanced over to me and raised a brow. 

“Draco, you said you wanted to do this. Dress like this and everything. Your drunk idea.”

My hands were growing sweaty as I imagined the entire lacrosse team seeing me like this. Or any of Pansy’s gang members. I pictured my classmates watching me and felt hot. My shoulders, my hands, my face, every part of me was burning up. 

“They’ll know it’s me.”

She gripped the steering wheel tight, “Do you want to go home?”

“I don’t think so.” 

She reached out and patted my shoulder, “Draco, you look amazing. I’d hit on you if I didn’t know it was you. You look nothing like yourself. I’ll touch up your makeup a bit more and give you contacts when we get backstage. I’ll peek at the audience beforehand too if it makes you feel better. Plus think about how many rules you’re breaking now. Your father won’t find out and you’ll get away with it.” 

“Okay,” I said quietly and she started the car again. 

The mixed feelings bubbling around inside of me were pulling me apart at two different ends. I cursed my drunk self for deciding to do something so ridiculous, but at the same time, the confidence coursing through me was overflowing. 

The bar was high-end and up north, far past the school campus and the center of town. It stuck out like a sore thumb in middle-class suburbia and I peeped out at the beautiful lights lining the building. As we parked on the side of the road, I realized this was the part of town Father didn’t have control over. My hands trembled with excitement as I turned to Pansy. 

She was reaching into her purse for a water bottle. 

“Okay, I brought you some liquid courage,” she grinned, “bottoms up!”

I took the bottle and took a huge swig of whatever was in there. A sharp taste hit my tongue and burned its way down my throat. I gagged at the awful and probably cheap booze and handed Pansy back the bottle. She took a gulp as well and hid the bottle on the floor between our seats. 

We walked into the bar with our arms linked, so I didn’t fall over in the heels. At some point I was struggling to step over the stairs and before toppling over, Pansy caught me in her arms. Carried me in bridal-style, despite me protesting out of embarrassment. 

In the small back room, she set me down in one of the chairs. Told me she’d be right back and placed her purse into my lap. I gripped it tight and my eyes wandered to the mirror in front of me. The disguise was perfect—maybe beyond that. I leaned in to squint in on the giant lashes and red lips. I was unrecognizable and something about that caused me to smile a little to myself. 

Father thought we’d be grabbing coffee and driving around the neighbourhood. I pictured his horrified face if he knew and Mother screaming out if she saw me, it made me smile a little more. This was maybe the first time Pansy and I were getting away with something like this, usually, our little schemes were caught by someone. That someone being the Malfoy Manor’s personal basement dweller, Father’s right-hand man: Artem. 

He appeared one day and I didn’t know where from or how Father knew him, but he was immediately brought in. That night was difficult and I could barely sleep from all the screams and cries I heard from the air vents. I knew of Father’s shady business deals, but the only other party in the house that night was Artem. 

Mother called it his ‘initiation into the family’ and breakfast was far more awkward the next morning than usual. Father was missing for a few days and Artem never came out for meals. Instead, our maids would bring meals down to the basement. It was bizarre seeing how much things changed around the house with the addition of Artem. 

Our maids and butlers all vanished in the dead of night and were replaced with creepy silent servants. It seemed Mother kept her event planner still and my butler. Though the number of times I nearly had a heart attack walking to the kitchen to get a drink, only to have multiple servants slithering around. 

But here there were no servants, no Artem, no parents. It was a nice feeling to be sitting in, yet I knew moments like these didn't last long. Within an hour or so Father would probably be blowing up my phone with calls of where I was. 

Pansy came back and sat herself down next to me. 

"Okay, so we're up in ten minutes," she took back her purse and opened it up. 

"And the song?" I asked, watching her pull out her makeup bag. 

" What A Feeling , Irena Cara. That song from the Flashdance movie we watched last week. You'll be fine. I'll be in the audience cheering you on and there isn't anyone there that you know."

She fixed up my makeup and I hummed the song under my breath. 80s movies stuck with me since it was all I could find at the Manor. Sometimes Pansy snuck in something more modern, except our movie tastes differed greatly. While she loved crime thrillers or action movies, I stuck to my basic slice of lifes. Anything with romance or drama usually. Musicals recently too. Something about seeing people lead ‘normal’ lives and fall in love with anyone they wanted—it let me believe I could get that too. Far from the grim life I led now. 

Pansy handed me a contact lens case and I popped it open to a brown eye colour. Wearing these gave me a doe-eyed look and made my eyes almost softer. I blinked a few times to admire the final result. Staring at the person in the mirror, I wished I could be that. Run away from home in a beautiful disguise and never look back. Live out my own romantic drama. Change my name and everything about me. 

It was frightening how many times I've tried this. Running away in a wig, different clothes or anything to change my appearance. With each time I was dragged back home kicking and screaming, craving the fleeting moments of freedom I experienced. The Manor was my prison and there was no escaping the future written down for me. It made me wish the house burned down to the ground by some miracle and I could run away then. 

Because in the end if there was no house, my freedom was in my own hands. 

Except I knew this was impossible. Nothing could topple that house. 

As I stood behind the stage’s curtain, my body buzzed with newfound adrenaline. It may have been the alcohol or may have been the fact that for tonight I didn’t care. No one was ever going to know Draco Malfoy performed a lip-sync to an 80s pop song at the edge of town. 

The crowd was small and the second I walked out, they broke out in polite applause and cheer. Pansy hollered and whistled from the back and I blushed a little as I approached the mic. It was all for show, but I took it up anyway and with shaking hands waited as the song began. 

“First, when there's nothing, but a slow glowing dream that your fear seems to hide…Deep inside your mind,” I began to follow the words I knew so well. 

Something about all these people watching me was frightening if not a worse feeling. But the huge smiles, the claps that picked up with the beat, and Pansy being my biggest fan were bringing in a sense of freedom and happiness. I moved across the stage, building confidence as Pansy’s cheap booze sparked a warm sensation in my body. 

When the chorus broke through, the audience began to sing along. It suddenly didn’t feel as bad with everyone else slowly joining in. I felt my own body moving freely across the stage, the disguise growing onto me and getting rid of my stage fright. 

More people were entering the club and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a few familiar faces. 

I spun around, my eyes falling right onto the new faces. 

First I noticed the bushy hair of a familiar girl and with her a black-haired guy with round glasses. Both were moving through the crowd to get a good view. The second I spotted the head of orange hair behind the girl, I knew exactly who the three were. 

Hands shaking, I ignored them as best I could. The song was coming to an end, but my legs were numbing over in a horrid panic. Pansy’s cheers got me through the last bit before I gave a bow and disappeared behind the curtain. I kicked off my heels and watched the next performer already stepping out as I slumped to the ground. 

Harry Potter. Harry fucking Potter was standing in the crowd with his group of friends, who I could not stand for the life of me. The know-it-all Granger and her need to poke her nose into everyone’s business. I’ve seen plenty of her during classes and every time that hand shot up, I felt an automatic eye-roll coming on. Meanwhile, the Weasley guy was an intimidating force of nature on the lacrosse field, but his snide remarks towards me were never pleasant. 

Of course, this was probably because I provoked him enough and his family was one of Father’s greatest rivals. Maybe I hated him and his family by default but seeing the head of flaming orange hair set off something inside me. He was picking up a lot of Granger’s habits, always wanting the last word and last insult thrown. Maybe he was a better person inside, but he never showed it. 

And then there was Potter. Head in the clouds Potter. The only good thing about him was that jock body. Probably no brains in that head of his either. I hardly ever saw him attend classes and when I did, he was usually late. It was rumoured he was a straight-A student, but I call bullshit. The guy spent the majority of his time on the lacrosse field or in the university gym. Usually not too far behind was his little gang, who seemed to find everything the Slytherin did hilarious.  

We had a few run-ins here and there, nothing ever turning physical, but I wouldn’t dream of ever laying my hands on someone like him. My words did enough damage to his big ego already. 

Seeing all three of them here tonight broke something inside of me. If either one of them recognized me through the disguise I was done for. Potter would surely spread the gossip in a heartbeat and Weasley’s popularity would help boost it. With something like that going around school it would surely spiral into more treacherous rumours. 

“DRACO!” 

I looked up to see Pansy running over. 

“Are you okay? You looked a little sick in the end there,” she knelt down and patted my back. 

“I’m fine,” I slowly got up, “can we leave?”

She squinted at me with suspicion but helped me towards my feet. We wobbled out of the club and straight into Pansy’s car. There I sighed loudly into the seat, the faces of Potter’s trio flashing in my mind. Pansy started the car, eyeing me still. 

“Draco, I know something’s wrong,” she frowned, “your eyes kinda glaze over and you start shaking.” 

I turned to her, “Just stage fright.” 

“Bullshit.”

We stared at each other, till finally, she broke past my eye contact. 

“Ugh, fine. Better tell me later then,” she began to back out of the parking spot, “before shit escalates like it always does and I find out the hard way.” 

“Okay, fine, I saw someone from school in the audience.”

A loud gasp from Pansy, “Holy fuck, who? Which house? Who the fuck is out in a gay bar at this hour?”

“I’m not telling you while you’re driving,” I said, “the last thing I need is for you to swerve us off the road in anger.”

“Okay, then let’s stop somewhere and you tell me. I’m craving coffee, look up a place,” she pulled out her phone and chucked it in my direction.

As we drove back through town, I found a small coffee shop at the edge of campus. It was along the way anyway and a dead part of town too. Pansy parked alongside the road and we climbed out into a brisk night air. The street here was lined with tiny shops and boutiques, which all carried on the same small-town aesthetic. Homey, cottage-like, filled with warmth.  

I recognized the rose shop across the street that Father and I frequented quite a lot. The small bakery Mother liked to visit before dashing into the convenience store around the corner. I’ve never come to this street with both parents at once. Always one or the other, each carrying their secrets to hide. 

The coffee shop was small with a navy blue exterior and large windows, showing a more spacious interior. Rustic wood signage sat overhead the shop and bistro lights lit up the outside. Something about it reminded me of those tiny corner French cafes run by families. 

We stepped inside, a bell jingling overhead. The aroma of roasting coffee beans and baked goods filled my nose. 

A girl with fiery red hair waved at us from the espresso bar, “Welcome to Deja Brew!”

Chapter Text

We approached the counter and Pansy immediately leaned across it, propping her arm up. I rolled my eyes as she flashed a flirtatious grin at the barista. 

“Hey, what do you recommend?” Pansy asked and the girl squinted down at her. 

“Wait, you’re Pansy Parkinson? Right?” 

Pansy straightened up, “Yeah, why?” 

The girl crossed her arms and her whole expression changed. Something of annoyance. This seemed to throw Pansy off, who was glancing over at me for assistance. The girl snapped her fingers in Pansy’s face and was nearly climbing over the counter to reach over. 

“Pansy! You skipped orientation today! The law students were meeting with the science students and my group was three law students and a missing toxicology one. We were supposed to discuss a whole list of things since we’re sharing a lot of classes this year. Where the hell were you?”

Pansy’s face turned red and I was surprised she wasn’t fighting back or arguing with the girl. 

“Wait, who are you again?” she asked and the girl gasped. 

The girl snatched a cloth from behind the counter and whacked Pansy’s arm with it, “I’m Ginny fucking Weasley!” 

Pansy was frozen, staring her down, “I mean we could meet up and—”

“Too late! I’m partnered up with someone else now. You’ll be stuck with one of the stuffy Ravenclaw,” Ginny crossed her arms. 

The back door of the shop flew open and a tall brown-haired guy appeared. He waved his arms in the air with a loud Eyyyyyyy and I immediately recognized him. This was Dean Thomas, who lasted on the Gryffindor lacrosse team for a whole week. Rumoured he only joined to sleep around with girls on rival teams. I felt my body recoil from his presence. 

“Ginny! Quit trying to fight customers again,” he came up to her and threw an arm around her shoulders. 

Disgusted, she shoved his arm off, “Dean, mind your damn business. Did you finish the dishes?” 

Ignoring her he glanced over at Pansy and me, “Oh, what do we have here?”

He raised a brow in my direction and winked. Confused, it took me a second to realize I was still in my full getup. Maybe I’d gotten too comfortable in it. But the wink from Dean Thomas caused my heart to do something new. Guys didn’t normally glance in my direction.

“Hey, leave my friend alone. We’re just here to grab coffee and leave,” Pansy glared at him. 

Dean looked over at her, “Pansy, Pansy, Pansy… Oh, you and I would’ve been a great couple. Absolutely unstoppable.”

“Dean, do you wanna join my Hit List this year?” 

He tapped the counter and nodded, “Nope. Fair point.” 

We watched him blow a kiss to Ginny and disappear into the backroom once more. A loud annoyed groan came from Ginny in response. 

“Okay, what would you two like?” 

I opened my mouth to reply, but Pansy nudged me hard in the side. My voice. If I spoke I’d give myself away. It would be so much worse trying to explain why I was wearing all this. With a rising panic, I felt the sweat draw against the edge of my wig against my hairline. It almost felt like both Ginny and Dean Thomas knew. They had to. There was no way they didn’t. The rumours would start at school and I would already be doomed in the first week.

“We’ll get two doppio espresso macchiatos. Actually, change one to a triple,” Pansy patted my back, probably noticing my anxiety. 

“Are you guys really okay with drinking that much espresso at night?” Ginny’s hand hovered over the register screen.

I gave a quick nod and Ginny raised her brows in concern. Pansy paid for us and Ginny slid to the bar to make the drinks. I watched her hands move gracefully across the counter, pressing the espresso with care and steaming the foam with a delicate touch. You could tell she loved her job just by the way she moved. The way her eyes glistened with delight as she worked.

I wondered if I’d ever have a job like that. Doing something I truly loved—doing it with as much passion and care. As my mind flashed to the horrendous and gruesome things Father did for work, I wished I didn’t have to deal with any of that. Staining my hands with another’s life wasn’t what I wanted. Squeezing my hands into Father’s signature black leather gloves and wielding the family weapons. Smearing someone’s blood over documents and paper bills. Meetings at midnight and deals with the underground. 

I didn’t want any part of it. 

I’d much rather dirty my hands in espresso and go home covered in the scent of coffee beans. 

When Ginny handed off the tiny cups with our macchiatos, Pansy immediately threw back her triple shot in one gulp. 

“HEY! Do you wanna die?” Ginny scrambled to the end of the bar.

“Don’t caaaaare!” Pansy squeezed the paper cup in her hand and chucked it in the garbage, “have a good night!” 

She grabbed my arm as I scooped up my drink and dragged me out of the store. Outside, I carefully sipped my espresso. 

It was hot as ever. 

The drive back to my house was a flurry of attempts to climb out of the whole getup. Using dozens of tissues and water to wipe off the makeup and any stray glitter. As we neared the forest, my hands began to shake. I suddenly couldn’t take the contacts out without a panicked fear. I screamed in frustration, which Pansy didn’t even flinch at. Only a common occurrence at least once a week. 

The espresso shots weren’t helping any of this, instead only heightened every nerve in my body. 

“Draco, fucking breathe.” 

I inhaled a ton of air and my hands tapped over the dress now in my hands. We drove on through and I unbuckled my seatbelt to get my old clothes back on. The uncomfortable and tight white dress shirt with the black golden button vest. Carefully ironed suit pants and my—

“Pansy, where are my shoes?”

She drove a little slower, glancing over at me, “Are they not there?”

“No, just the heels I wore. Where are my leather shoes? Father will kill me!”

“It’s not like he’ll greet you at the door or anything,” she pulled up to the manor gates. 

As dark and depressing as I remembered it of course. Every time I came back home, I pictured I’d come back home to something else. Maybe I secretly lived with another family. Maybe the house would be burned down for good. Anything to escape this hell. 

The gates slowly creaked open and Pansy drove in. We spotted both parents standing on the driveway, Mother with her arms crossed. When they saw the car, eyes immediately searched for me. 

“And you said?” I reached out to smack Pansy’s arm. 

Making a face, Pansy began to pull off her own shoes, “Take mine. I’m one size higher, but this is just to walk into the house.”

“It’s fine.” I sighed as Mother shuffled over to tap on the passenger window. 

“Get out, c’mon!” she tapped again.

I gave a quick nod at Pansy, who slipped something into my vest pocket before I climbed out. Mother immediately grabbed my arm, her nails digging into the shirt as she dragged me towards Father. Her grip tightened and I didn’t dare complain. 

Father didn’t smile nor acknowledge my presence in any way, though I didn’t expect him to. His eyes looked me up and down. With a curt nod, we went inside. Mother held me in that death grip all the way through the house. When we passed the staircase the fear was settling in. If I wasn’t allowed to go upstairs, this meant one thing and one thing only. 

We hurried down a dark hallway, lined with familiar suits of armour. Every time I walked down this hall it never ended well. My hands grew clammy and I tried very hard to keep my breathing steady. As Pansy would say, they sense fear so try not to show it. I pictured her for a second and what she'd do in a situation like this. Bold and brash Pansy would most likely be making noise and kicking. Finding a way to escape. The thought made me smile for a moment, till I heard the click of a heavy door.

The drawing-room. 

Tears were already starting in my eyes and I began to thrash out of Mother’s grip. I knew exactly what this was. I didn’t fucking want this. I really would do anything to get out of this. I cried out by accident when Mother threw me down to the floor. This cry got me a rough slap across the face as I sat up.

“Behave.” 

The booming voice of Father as he sat down on the couch in front of me. As if on command, my breath staggered out one last time and I rubbed my hands to soothe myself. My god, how they shook. I cradled one in the other, eyes focused right onto them as the silent tears continued to roll down my face. I chewed on the inside of my cheek to keep my mouth shut tight. 

“Empty your pockets,” Father said.

I remembered Pansy slipped me something and I reached in. Pulled out a small black box that I recognized as the red lipstick I wore tonight. Other than my phone this was the only thing. I felt my heart thrash around, ready to burst through my chest. 

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be here. He’ll know. He’ll fucking know. 

“What is that?” Father’s lip curled and Mother picked it up. She opened it and raised her brows in surprise.

“Red lipstick,” she said and they both glanced over at me. 

Their eyes said enough to me. I was an awful son. A disobedient son. I paraded around town with Pansy and came home with dubious lipsticks in my pockets. 

The silence between them was tearing me apart. I needed to know what my punishment would be. Without really knowing what I did wrong, I knew something would come. This drawing-room always meant punishment. 50% of the time it ended in a Lyre Bird injection that left me immobilized and unable to function. A foggy brain and awful memory usually followed and I never remembered much. 

“Where did you and Pansy go?” 

I folded my hands in my lap, “A coffee shop near campus.” 

“At nighttime?”

I nodded. 

“What else happened?” Father leaned back into his seat.

“We got coffee and talked.”

He looked me up and down, expression not wavering for a second. It was something as simple as disappointment. Though disappointment in this house could lead to me getting gravely wounded. My mind flashed to the time Father left me out to bleed on the drawing-room floor, coughs sputtering out far too much blood. I remember crawling over to the fireplace, one hand clawing at the carpet and the other holding my stomach gash. How I tried to stand and reach for the phone atop the fireplace mantel. The scream I let out as I stood up, only to collapse back to the ground in sobs. Before my vision blurred, I saw Mother running in to rescue me. There were times when she didn’t, but at the edge of death, she usually did. 

However, at this point, the damage was done. It was then that I was aware of what he was capable of. I could be hurt in the bloodiest and worst ways possible, but if I was still breathing that’s all that mattered. 

Times like that made me want to die faster. If only I bled out on that carpet during one of the incidents, I’d never have to live another day in this hell. I wished it never got any worse than this. At least I wasn’t forever locked away in the basement like Artem, whatever his deal was. 

I didn’t understand what Father felt towards me, but it sure as hell wasn’t love. I wasn’t his son anymore. I was his property, his dog on a tight leash—just a pawn in his chess game. 

“I don’t believe you,” he sighed, “Narcissa, call the Parkinsons.” 

My throat began to choke up as Mother set it to speakerphone and handed the phone to Father. 

“Hello?” 

“Ah, Albert! Good evening, pardon the sudden ring,” Father’s face suddenly held the fakest smile I’ve ever seen. Almost forced, looking painful as ever. 

“Not to worry, Lucius. What could we do for you?” 

Eyes flitting down to me, Father spoke, “I’m under the impression that your Pansy and my Draco are dating. We found some evidence with Draco tonight.”

A loud booming laugh came from Mr. Parkinson and I relaxed my shoulders. 

“Dating? Lucius, you must be joking.”

Father looked annoyed, “Albert, we found a red lipstick in Draco’s pocket.” 

With a sigh, Mr. Parkinson turned away from the phone to call Pansy. I heard Pansy’s exasperated and dramatic sigh appear in the background. 

“Are you and Draco dating, Pansy? Lucius believes this due to some lipstick found in Draco’s pocket,” Mr. Parkinson asked her. 

“Draco is like a brother to me, gross,” she said, “I gave him that lipstick to… I slipped it into his pocket by accident. I was meant to give him something else.”

“Well, Lucius, I think if our children were dating, we’d know for sure. What kind of parent would you be if you don’t—”

Father slammed the phone back into its stand. He was fuming. I watched him stare at the phone for a few seconds, before turning to me. I felt my stomach drop from his cold glare. 

“You are not leaving his house till the first day of school.” 

I was about to speak up, but Mother placed a firm hand atop my head. 

“I don’t care what you do, but you are banned from leaving this house,” he got up from his seat. 

I watched him leave feeling a little relieved nothing painful happened to me. Thanking my lucky stars I wasn’t locked up in my room either. 

Before Mother left the room, she took my phone. There was no point for the damn thing anyway. Everything I did on it was checked up on. I was just thankful none of the adults in his house knew you could delete browsing history. I could spend the whole night doing whatever the hell I wanted if before 5am I erased every single thing possible. 

Especially how lately I’ve been looking up what it was like ‘being gay’. Anything to confirm my identity and at some point spending the entire night filling out ‘are you gay’ quizzes. I was hoping and wishing for at least one to give a flat-out ‘no’. A single no would let me know that maybe I wasn’t actually gay. Maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe a small part of me was faking it. 

And with these nights came the looming question of If you died, you wouldn’t have to worry about this. It came up anytime something was a major inconvenience. Anytime I was stuck in a situation so painful, I wondered if killing myself would fix it all. 

The worst was knowing I couldn’t tell anyone. Not even Pansy. She was still Pansy and with that came mean responses not considering or respecting certain ideas. Her selfishness would peek through and even though I knew she meant well, it hurt. Her apologies later on usually fell through as I’d ruminate over what she originally said. 

Unless she’s changed. Her protective nature around me was like a rabid mother bear, ready to fight anyone who challenged her. Maybe talking to her about it would turn out differently this time. 

I spent the entirety of August doing absolutely nothing in the worst way possible. The boredom was creeping up on me every other day as I watched and rewatched all the movies I owned. Re-read the books in my room while listening to Pansy’s old mixtape. Whether it was the boredom or not, her heavy metal and rock songs were suddenly more appealing than ever. Hearing some guy scream his lungs out helped me not to do it myself. 

On the first day of school, I ran out of the house as fast as I possibly could. My chauffeur drove us down to the Parkinson estate where we were to pick Pansy up. She was waiting on her lawn in the ugliest blush pink suit I’d ever seen. Hair pinned back into a careful bun and as we pulled up closer I noticed the bright pink lipstick. Her mother stood by her and I understood what was going on. 

For years, Ms.Parkinson was pushing a hyper-feminine look onto Pansy. Most of her ideas didn’t fit Pansy’s feminist agenda and she often brought a change of clothes everywhere. 

The second the car pulled up, Pansy was running over. Her mother shouted something and Pansy gave a lazy wave in response. 

In the car, she jumped onto me and pulled me into a tight hug. The gesture surprised me and I didn’t know what to do in response. She pushed away with a huge grin. 

“I missed you!” she slapped my knee. 

We immediately fell into our comfortable way of talking and exchanged how our Augusts were. As we drove to school, she was taking off the hideous pink suit and hopping into her usual clothes. I helped her take the pins out of her hair and ruffle it up a little. She wiped the pink lipstick off onto the pink suit and pulled out her signature black one. 

Once she was done, she reached to fix my tight clothes while telling me the names of her brand new Hit List. I recognized Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory as the lacrosse team captains and wondered how she would pull that off. Both boys were gym-rats and probably carried the same strength as Pansy. 

We got closer and closer to campus and I asked the driver to drop us off on Main Street. It was always far too embarrassing arriving at school in an expensive car. Especially how everyone knew we were the richest kids at school. 

When we stepped out of the car, I immediately recognized the coffee shop we visited the night after my club performance. 

“Pansy, we’re getting coffee,” I pulled her arm towards the shop. 

Didn’t have to tell her twice, she led the way and we stepped into a crowded coffee shop. Students were filling every corner, every seat. Pansy grabbed my hand and began to make her way through the crowd. As more people realized we were coming, they stepped aside. Careful not to brush shoulders with Pansy or me. 

The front counter was run by an older woman, with thick curly hair and a big sweet smile. I squinted at her nametag reading ‘Ms. Weasley’ and I assumed she had to be related to all those Weasley kids. 

“Hi, dears, what can we get for you today?” she smiled at us. 

“Quad espresso over ice,” Pansy said and nudged me. 

I didn’t know how to order at coffee shops. Usually Pansy ordered for me or I would pick the first thing I laid my eyes on the menu board. 

“Can you surprise me?” I said and she nodded. 

We paid and went to wait at the end of the bar. As we stood there I felt like the entire shop was staring down at me. Dozens and dozens of eyes bore into my back, hundreds of questions probably filling people’s mouths. It almost felt like the chatter was growing louder by the second, laughter rang in my ears and I felt like I was going to suffocate. 

“Draco!” Pansy placed a sturdy hand on my shoulder. 

I blinked up at her and my eyes dodged to the people around us. Pansy picked up on this instantly. It was the norm if we wanted to attend the university, but today it felt like it was worse than usual. Being popular was one thing, being known for all the wrong reasons was a different feeling. 

“HEY!” Pansy hollered out to the crowd, “quit staring! If you wanna say something, say it to my fucking face!” 

“You tell ‘em,” came the voice of Ginny from the bar. 

She was working on multiple drinks at once, dashing back and forth. 

“Don’t you have class today?” Pansy asked. 

“Not till noon! My family will be running the shop today. Hold on, your drinks are almost done,” she disappeared below the counter with a new pitcher of milk. 

While Pansy watched Ginny work, my eyes strayed to the rest of the room. People weren’t paying us anymore attention, most likely too scared to. But I caught the eye of a certain black-haired glasses-wearing individual. He was sitting at one of the tables with Granger and another guy I didn’t recognize. The blue emblem on his sweater told me Ravenclaw. 

Our eyes met and it almost felt as though the room was slowing down between us. He propped his chin into his palm, watching me with a soft smile. I wasn’t sure why or what this meant but felt the blush start in my face. 

That was until he waved and I turned behind me to see Ginny waving back at him. It was Ginny he was smiling at, not me. Why in the world would Harry Potter be looking at me that way. And why didn’t I hate it? Why didn’t I feel the usual malice for him? 

In absolute embarrassment, I wished I would die on the spot. 

“Quad iced and a caramel toffee nut latte for Draco!” 

I’ve never left a coffee shop faster in my life, dragging out a very confused Pansy. 

Chapter Text

I wish university was like those 80s movies I watched. A kaleidoscope of colour and positivity. Lectures with quirky professors and large groups of friends that followed you around. I wished for the loud parties and worry-free evenings to do whatever I wanted. 

Yet here I was rotting away in Intermediate Microeconomics. Without any choice for what I could take at school, my program was Business and Finance. It was all to take over the family business, though I didn’t think any of this would help in the end. As long as I knew how to lie with a poker face, knew how to scam others of their money and lose all sense of personality, I could take over. Father only wanted me to become the same stone-cold monster he was, but I didn’t care. 

The professor was showing monotonous black and white slides on the method of microeconomics, which was understanding human behaviour within it all. I didn’t seem to catch the rest and everything he said was flying over my head. My hands were still moving over the paper, taking notes as if on auto-pilot. Ever-so-often I’d glance down and not understand anything I wrote. 

I felt my phone buzz, which woke me from my trance of utter boredom. I peered down to see a text from Pansy. Who else would it be?

Slytherin commons after?

It was nice to share breaks with her. During course enrollment, we made sure our classes started and ended around the same time. Though there was the exception of our longer Wednesday classes, which seemed to happen last year as well. It was the one day I wasn’t guaranteed lacrosse practice either, so I’d wait for Pansy to finish up with Debate. When she was gently encouraged to take therapy during 2nd year, she was advised to join a club to redirect her anger. Somehow Debate only fueled her more and it was rumoured she made several people cry last year.

The second the professor dismissed us, I bolted up and ran out. Shoving books into my shoulder bag as I hurried through the halls. It was best not to idle around too much because apparently, my forehead carried a huge target. Getting picked on was nothing new, but I wished and hoped for less of that this year. 

It was worse when I was without Pansy by my side. Bullies could practically sense the fear wafting off me. 

As I sprinted across campus in the direction of the Commons building, I caught a group of hefty Ravenclaw a little down the path. I ran on further, peeping at the hockey jerseys they wore. Fuck. If I knew anything, I knew how strong these guys were. Without Pansy, I had no chance. 

Keeping my chin up high, face full of enough confidence, I breezed past them. Except when I thought I made it, I felt a strong tug on the back of my shirt nearly choking me out. 

Coughing, I turned around and saw the group laughing at me. The guy holding the back of my shirt hadn’t let go yet, a nasty grin growing upon his face. When he smiled I noticed his two front teeth missing and stifled back a laugh. 

“What’s so fucking funny, Malfoy?” he tightened his grip and I felt myself losing air. 

“Nothing, I was just remembering how you—”

He dropped me, before grabbing me by the front of my shirt with both hands. This was far worse, I knew it would leave marks on my neck later and I felt the fabric tearing. 

My hands fumbled at his, which were thrice my size, and I remembered what Pansy told me. If my legs were free, just start kicking. 

I began to do just that and it seemed that I struck gold when he shrieked in pain and doubled over. Let go of me, and I gasped for air and grabbed my bag. The other two guys were lunging themselves towards me, so I did what any sensible person would do. Slung my bag off my shoulder and swung it as hard as I could in their direction. 

Hitting one of them square in the face, he stumbled backwards and the other was still coming after me. I booked it in the direction of the Commons hoping Pansy was either on her way or already there. The shouts of the guys behind me were growing louder and I figured running straight for the Commons was a bad idea. Especially if Pansy was known to be fashionably late. 

I rounded the corner between buildings and pressed myself against the wall. Watched as the group of guys raced past my hiding spot and sighed with relief. 

“Uh, hello?” 

I jumped in a panic and spun to see a tall guy standing there. He was wearing a yellow and black hoodie with Hufflepuff Lacrosse written across it. My eyes moved up to his face. I had to stop myself from saying anything out of line. This guy was gorgeous. Chiselled facial features, hair that fell into perfect waves across his head and the warmest eyes I’ve seen up close. 

Wait, I knew who this was. 

“I’m Draco. Draco Malfoy,” I held my hand out, trying not to show my excitement too much. He was one of the best sports captains the school’s seen. One of the most charismatic people too. 

“Cedric Diggory,” he smiled and shook my hand. Palms were warm and I felt myself lingering just a little longer.

“Didn’t mean to intrude on your space, I was hiding from those guys,” I said. 

He leaned against the wall, “As was I! Dealing with them is a waste of anyone’s time, I think. Believe it or not, I get picked on by them too.”

“Hard to believe, honestly. You’re Cedric Diggory and all that,” I joked. 

When he laughed, I felt strange. A guy in this school who wasn’t picking on me nor talking down to me, none of that. Not to mention this was the most popular guy in school. He really couldn’t hurt a fly. 

“And do tell, what does that mean?” he reached up and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Well, I really doubt anyone would pick on you.”

“With a face like mine, it’s quite hard to stay in the clear, Draco,” he winked at me.

What was this feeling? It was nothing like I’d ever felt before. Maybe something like admiration at first sight? Was that even a thing? There was no way I had a crush on Cedric within a minute of meeting him. Though there were rumours that it’s happened to several girls and how Cedric was a vicious heartbreaker. With a face as nice as his there was no doubt he had a whole herd of admirers and followers who worshipped his every move. What I was feeling was definitely something different. 

“I should get going before I get in trouble,” I laughed awkwardly and began to make my exit. 

“Oh, with your friend Pansy, right? A little overbearing is she not? I’m sure you’d be better off without someone like her. Heard she’s a raging lesbian too,” he rolled his eyes and I froze in my tracks. 

“What?” 

“Draco, surely you knew?” he crossed his arms.

“No, I heard you perfectly,” I felt my strange feelings melt away, “do you have a problem with her?” 

Something quick flashed across his face, something cold and it reminded me weirdly of Father. The face he made was as if I was talking to somebody else. 

“I do not,” he shook his head, “forget I said anything. Apologies, Draco.”

“Right.” 

I walked out of the little alley and noticed Pansy leaning against the wall just around the corner. She was smoking a cigarette looking deep in thought. It looked like she’d been listening to us talk and I held my breath. She was the perfect distance away to have possibly heard something. 

When I approached her, she gave me a huge smile and put out her smoke. 

“Ready to go?” she threw an arm around me, “I was waiting around to walk into you on your way out of class.” 

She’s lying. I watched her keep up her smile and pull me along towards the Commons’ building. As we walked I glanced up at her face, where the smile dropped away to show her murderous resting bitch face. She heard everything. Cedric would most likely enter her Hit List. 

We walked on, people making sure to step out of our way. 

Upon entering the Slytherin Commons, she let go of me and released a loud groan. Walked over to the couches and flopped onto one of them, screaming into a pillow. 

“God, quit PMSing, Parkinson,” came a familiar voice from the corner. 

“Shut the fuck up, Nott,” she raised her head, “you’re lucky we’re on neutral ground and I can’t bash your stupid face in.”

I came to sit down on the couch next to Pansy and rubbed her back in reassurance. 

“Ah, and Malfoy! What a pleasant surprise,” Theodore threw me a fake smile, “the new rumour is you guys are secretly fucking. Does she su—”

Pansy snarled and tried to get up, but I pushed her back down and stood up myself. Marched right over to Theodore and ripped the book out of his hands. The anger was coursing through my arms, a silent and dangerous anger. Anything said against this asshole was always spun around and spat back at you. I learned the hard way from being bullied by him all last year behind Pansy’s back. Theodore Nott was a vile character with a rotten personality, which only grew with his constant bullying. He lived off gossip and the assumptions of others, ready to blackmail anyone in his way. 

I raised the book over my head and brought it back down to smack Theodore across the face with it. A loud thwunk came from the impact and he nearly fell out of his chair. 

“WHAT THE FUCK? ” he grabbed his face and stood up to shove me back. 

I held the book up again and he sunk back into his seat. My grip tightened around the book and if pushed further I was ready to rip the thing cover to cover. 

“I’m sick and tired of you,” I said as calmly as I could, hearing the malice dripping out of my voice, “leave us the hell alone. And quit believing stupid rumours you know aren’t true.”

Theodore looked surprised as he watched me, “Like father like son. You know I’ve seen your father make the same face at someone before.” 

He spat out some blood on the ground at my feet and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. 

With those words, my face dropped and I stepped back. Pansy was already up on her feet, grabbing the book from my hands. My hands were shaking , but not of any kind of anxiety. It was rare that I felt rage this strong, usually, I was the one to step down. But after the group of hockey players, then Cedric, and now this was bringing out the worst of my temper. 

Which I got straight from my parents. The silent animosity from Father and the loud and brash anger from Mother. It mixed into what I was now. My temper only peeked on rare occasions and even Pansy knew this. Her hold on me wasn’t strong enough to pull me back because I knew she was capable enough to fling me away.

I was ready to jump straight at Theodore, but if Pansy wasn’t even doing so it wasn’t worth it. 

“I’m not getting my knuckles bloody with someone as scummy as you,” she dropped the book hard into his lap.

We left the Commons room and straight towards our 14th century lit lecture. Far too early, but we took our seats in the back of the lecture hall. Pansy immediately parked her combat boots on the seat in front of us and sunk deeper into her chair. I sighed and leaned onto her shoulder while propping my feet up next to her. 

“Do you think that new rumour is wide-spread enough?” she whispered to me. 

“I mean, we won’t know. Since everyone’s scared of you and hates me.”

She sighed and craned her neck at the small group of people entering the hall. When the people glanced up at us and started to whisper, we immediately broke apart. I dropped my legs down and sat up straighter. Pansy shifted away from me and reached into her pocket. Took out her gum and handed me a strip before popping two into her mouth. Then took out her cigarettes and played with the box. 

I leaned over to take the box from her hands, seeing as how anxious she was getting. Stuffed it into my pocket and instead pulled a pen out of my bag for her to click. 

“Wouldn’t a rumour like that be good though?” I spoke up and she stopped her clicking. 

“Draco, seriously?” 

“I mean if the rumour reaches far enough for my Father to catch wind of it. Which might reach your family too. Wouldn’t any gossip with us being straight work in our favour?” I said. 

She looked over at me, “In a way, yes…” 

“So, then we can be freer with our own identities and play up our fake relationship—”

“Draco, when I said embracing your gay-ness and fighting for it I didn’t mean it like this.”

I fully turned to her, “You said you’d stand by my side.”

“Do you realize the absolute shitshow that will go down if we start fake dating?” she hissed and reached out to pinch my arm. 

“Okay, but would you rather have gay rumours about us or this?” I pinched her back. 

“But my reputation? Everything I built up all these years for myself,” she said. I watched her start clicking the pen again. 

“Pansy.”

“Draco! No, listen, we’ll expel those fake ass rumours. I’m not becoming some hoax to cover up our gay asses.” 

I watched her face twist into pain, “Is this because you heard what Cedric said?”

Her eyes widened and she clicked the pen louder, “I don’t want to talk about that. I saw you guys talking and waited it out. Heard nothing.”

“You’re lying.”

“Fuck! Draco, how do you think I feel hearing that?” 

I opened my mouth to reply, but more people were coming into the room. Pansy shook her head and looked away. We watched a few familiar Gryffindors suddenly enter and Pansy threw her hood over her head. Quickly took her feet down from the seats and began to pull out her notebook. I followed suit. I recognized Granger and Potter entering and they walked up to sit right in front of us. 

Granger gave a polite nod in Pansy’s direction, but Potter ignored us altogether. All I could think about was the coffee shop episode replaying over and over in my head. Out of sheer embarrassment, I felt my face grow warm. The fact that I dropped my guard down around him like that was absurd. 

This was Potter, there was no explanation needed for a lot of things. But with our passive-aggressive history, I wanted less interaction with him. There would be enough of that on the lacrosse field. Dropping my guard again like that really couldn’t happen. 

It happened around Cedric too. I still couldn’t quite explain what the feeling was, but it made my heart ache. Were crushes supposed to hurt like that? Did I just find them attractive? Aside from the gorgeous men from all those movies, I didn’t have much to look at. 

I stared at the back of his head, feeling my heart tighten. 

I fully blamed the fact that he was wearing a tight shirt. All that weight training and lacrosse did a number on his arms. Rippling muscle wasn’t the worst to look at. Without lacrosse, his muscles would probably disappear. 

Next to me, Pansy nudged me hard and passed a slip of paper to me. I opened it up to read:

Keep it in your pants GOD 

I crumbled it up and threw it right at her face. She snorted and opened the paper back up to scribble something down. Handed it to me and I rolled my eyes, 

If you don’t say something, I will

“What?” I whispered to her in horror and she grinned. 

“HEY, POTTER.” 

He jumped at Pansy’s loud voice and turned out with a look of utter fear across his face. Granger turned around a little calmer, but it was clear she was just as scared. 

“Y-yeah?” Potter squeaked out. 

Pansy leaned forward, “Draco wants the Gryffindors to practice with the Slytherin today. He wants to discuss some new drills with you later.” 

Potter looked over at me nervously and nodded, “Sure. We can plan something.” 

The professor then walked into the room with a loud Hello, hello and I thanked him for walking in at the perfect time. Potter and Granger both turned away from us and I was ready to die on the spot once more. Somehow all these moments were destroying my basic communication skills and I hated every second of it. 

“New drills?! Pansy, what new drills?”

“You’ll figure something out if you want to have a one-on-one with Potter,” she smiled cheekily. 

“Isn’t he on your Hit List? Why do you suddenly care?” 

She was enjoying herself too much, “I can give you a day or two before I hunt his ass down.”

Lacrosse practice was going to be something else.

Chapter Text

The reason I joined the lacrosse team back during 1st year was to prove two things. One, to show to others I was capable enough. Two, the chance to release my frustrations and temper into something. Both worked hand in hand as the rumours that I was a 'weak bitch' shut down pretty quickly. 

Especially when I broke Theodore's nose during my 2nd year. Something about seeing him bleed out on the field fueled me with enough satisfaction to last a while. It came after he gave the team two fouls and tried to blame me. 

What added a whole new layer for staying with lacrosse were my feelings towards other guys. Being gay on a sports team was both a blessing and a curse. My side glances at the sweaty bodies on the field only made me want to dig my early grave. The male body was immaculate and I almost found myself gasping when I watched a few of the Gryffindor men take their shirts off to change. Aside from Hufflepuff, the team had some of the largest muscles throughout the Houses. 

Nothing compared to the glistening and chiselled body of the Gryffindor captain. His body made up for his awkward and dense character. Potter reminded me of a golden retriever, passionate about everything around and extremely loyal to his team. He was gentle, yet commanding with his mates, which I wished would replace the Slytherin passive aggressiveness we had. 

Today as I watched him press his hands onto a teammate's back to help with stretches, I felt a pang of jealousy. I wanted to feel those hands. Those gentle, large hands… What else were they capable of? It was rude to stare, and staring at Potter was an absolute crime. The fact that he was one of the guys I couldn’t stop thinking about made me angry. A crush fueled by anger was borderline hitting lust and when I thought more about his body, the more…

"Hey, Malfoy!" 

I snapped out of my trance to see Marcus Flint waving me over. He was a tall and muscular guy, the only fit one on the Slytherin team. Yet unfortunately, his awful haircuts took away his hot captain rights. Everyone wondered if he cut his own hair. 

“Hey, Flint,” I gave him my best smile and awkwardly crossed my arms. Anything to cover the stupid boner I could get if I stared at Potter any longer. 

“I’m sure you heard the rumours of you becoming the next Slytherin captain! It’s about damn time we had someone new, especially since I graduated last year,” Marcus flipped through some papers on a clipboard, “you’ll be taking the position, effective immediately. I’ll take you through the bits and ends of it and shadow you for the rest of the week. Then release you to the wolves.” 

I nodded along, “Are we getting new members as well?”

“Yeah, the guys here today are all from last year. Tryouts are tomorrow and we’re still keeping it co-ed by school policy, even though not many girls join. Which is hilarious since the girls usually end up playing better,” Marcus snorted and glanced up to nod over at Daphne Greengrass punting a ball at Theodore's crotch. She started laughing maniacally and immediately a loud HA followed from the stands. We turned to see Pansy on the bleachers laughing her ass off. 

“You know, Parkinson would be an incredible addition to the team,” Marcus squinted at her. 

“With all due respect, Marcus, she would destroy them. We wouldn’t have a team left and she’d probably manage to set the ball on fire,” I bit my lip to fight back a laugh as Pansy flipped Theodore off. 

“SUCK MY DICK, NOTT!” she cackled and Theodore charged towards the bleachers. 

Marcus immediately blew his whistle, “ORDER, NOTT! C’MON!”

“She started it!” Theodore whined. 

“Join the badminton team if you can’t handle a few girls!” Marcus snapped back. 

Groaning loud, Theodore dragged his feet back to the team. 

“Where was I,” Marcus sighed, “right, tryouts this week. I’ll be watching you for the week as well. You can use the practice plan I created last year, but you can change up the drills however you see fit. Gryffindor does more cardio and that probably explains a lot, but it’s up to you. I’ll lead the practice today, and you, tomorrow.”

“Right, thanks, Flint,” I smiled and he handed me the clipboard and a new whistle.

Wearing the whistle made me feel a little more confident. Maybe being captain would change the way others looked at me. Maybe this year would be a lot simpler if I was in charge. Could something like this expel the gossip surrounding me? 

I blew on the whistle and called the team over. They came running and I tried not to smile too much with glee seeing most of their scowling faces. The majority of this lot picked on me last year and it created quite the unpleasant experience, but when the word spread that I would become captain? Most calmed down. 

Marcus cleared his throat, “Let’s start with drills! Despite most of you being third years, you still have trouble cradling the balls in your sticks. We can’t keep dropping the ball! Remember, hold the stick with your fingers, not your fists! I’m looking at you, Goyle! You’re not first years, so I expect not to see these mistakes anymore if you want to make the final cut!” 

He nudged me to read out the cradling drill we all knew too well. Eight teammates lined up while the rest weaved through them cradling the ball as they ran. Captains watched for the switching between hands as well. If dodging someone to the left, the stick was to be switched to the right and vice versa. Our team struggled with cradling the most and usually, the other teams’ defenders constantly stole our balls. 

It was embarrassing. However, for what we lacked in that, we made up for in defence. Though we dropped the ball a lot and lost possession of it most of the time, we were difficult to score on. This made games with us a lot longer and more stressful. 

Gryffindors were the best with their sticks, able to weave and shift positions within seconds. It was hard to get through their passing and steal their air balls. Watching the Gryffindor team across the field made me wish we could steal their training plans. My eyes strayed to Potter where he stood with his girlfriend. His arms were around her and she was leaning up to press a kiss to his lips. Seeing that caused me to bring my hands into tight fists. I huffed and turned back to my team. 

Even though Gryffindor was one of the star teams, Hufflepuff was more aggressive with their playstyle and usually won with plenty of stick and body checks. Their shooting skills were terrifyingly fast and stealing their air balls usually broke sticks. The most bruising happened when playing against them and we always made sure to wear extra padding. Ravenclaw was nimble and quick but lacked goalie and defence skills, which made them the weakest lacrosse team. Without a good defence, there was no point. There were rare games where they got away with good footwork, but it seemed their captain didn’t care much. 

We got through the cradling and weaving drills and I led the team into passing ones. The hands were most important here and if the stick was held wrong it’d result in sprained wrists. 

Marcus joined the team and continued coaching them while leaving me to read through his notes. I didn’t even notice when someone approached me from behind and slapped a heavy hand on my shoulder. 

Jumping, I spun around to see Potter standing there. 

“Yeah?” I frowned as he came to stand next to me. 

“Your friend mentioned you wanted to discuss new drills,” he smiled. 

God, why the fuck is your smile so perfect?

“There are no new drills,” I sighed, “Pansy was just… just said that as a joke.” 

“Well, I’m already here,” Potter said, “I’m sure you won’t mind me standing with you and making conversation.” 

Which would definitely be a first. When have I ever had a normal conversation with Potter? Our growling at each other dated far back and it only grew into a mutual hatred for each other. Every year we found something new to bark about. 

Watching him stand next to me felt embarrassing. He was practically glowing, standing there with all his muscles and that twinkling look in his eyes. He was everything I hated in these straight jock guys. Thinking they’re better than everything around them. All I could ever appreciate was their bodies, which brought a whole new layer of self-shame. 

“I don’t mind,” I shook my head. 

“Cool.” 

“Cool.” 

I realized we didn’t have anything to talk about. What was next? I asked him about the weather or his major? That was what you asked people you just met. Not someone you bashed heads with for years. 

My eyes flitted over to Pansy on the bleachers, who was blowing lazy smoke rings into the air. I wished I could get her advice right now. She pushed me into this situation and now I was stuck in it, wanting the ground to swallow me alive.

“Draco,” Potter reached over to nudge my arm and I flinched hard, nearly falling over. 

Snorting he stepped back, "What do you think I have? Gryffindor cooties?”

“No.” 

“Are you scared of me?” 

I huffed and glanced up at him, “Excuse me?” 

When our eyes locked in, I noticed his beautiful eye colour. A green like I’d never seen it before. It was hard to keep my scowl in when someone so breath-taking was standing in front of me. I gulped, hoping my growing crush wasn’t showing through. 

“Shake my hand then,” Potter held his hand out. 

“No.”

“Why not?” 

“Because,” I crossed my arms, hiding my hands under my armpits.

“Promise I won’t curse you or anything. We aren't suddenly dating if you shake my hand, Draco. "

The heat started in my face and without thinking, I blurted,

"To be fair, Harry, I could do far better than your girlfriend."

Potter froze and laughed nervously, "I’m sorry, what?"

I wished something would fall out of the sky right this second and knock me unconscious. If I thought I was digging my early grave before, now I was already dead and ready to attend my funeral. The voice in my head screamed for me to shut up. Sirens were blaring away up there and I wished a miracle would save me. 

"Nothing."

"C'mon, tell me. What are you gay or something?" 

"I’m not gay!” I stepped forward till we were just a few inches apart. 

"Then shake on it,” he raised an eyebrow.

Instead of shaking his hand, I reached up and slapped him across the face. It was a strange instinct and I acted without thinking. Maybe it was being called gay, maybe it was something else. But then I spun on my heel and marched off in the other direction. The thudding sounds behind me of Potter caused me to turn back around. He slammed into me and we both fell to the ground. 

Practically pinning me down, Potter hovered over me. His hot breath on my face and fierce eyes were tearing me apart. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked. 

I felt nauseous. I felt sick to my stomach to the point where I wondered if this was really a crush. No crush made anyone feel this awful. It had to be resentment, possible jealousy when seeing Ginny kiss him earlier. There was no way I could start falling for someone like Potter. Falling in love with your rival was the oldest take in the book, but this was wrong. Potter was where near gay.

“I’m not sure,” I whispered back and tried to look away. 

I didn’t want this anymore. Maybe I did mistake simple admiration for something else. 

That night I spent a while falling asleep as the events of practice spun furiously within my mind. Though as soon as I managed to fall asleep, something familiar brought me back out. 

The smell of smoke was filling the space around me and I bolted up. I took a few deep breaths to quiet my panic. This led to the sharp stink of smoke filling my lungs again and I recognized it as cigarette smoke. 

My eyes panned around the room till they fell on the balcony window. I climbed out of my bed and pushed the curtains back. It seemed that my door was left ajar and the hooded figure of Pansy was slumped against the rails. Smoke billowed around her body and something about it was choppy and staggered. 

I approached her with caution and knelt down next to her. Placed a hand on her shoulder and she turned to glance at me. Her face threw me back for a second. No makeup and tears streaming out of her eyes. There were cuts across her face and her eyes were almost that of a wild animal. 

I carefully pried the cigarette from her shaking fingers and put it out on the ground. Then pulled her into my arms and she hugged me tightly. Hiccuping sobs escaped her and I stood up carefully, pulling her with me. Led her into my room and we sat on the edge of my bed. 

She suddenly covered her mouth and rushed to my desk garbage can. I winced as she threw up twice. 

Immediately I knew what this was. When our parents were fed up with us and didn’t know how to deal, they drugged us up. The worst was that we weren’t kids anymore and the reasons for this were always nothing horrible. Simply a way to shut us up and keep us where they could see us. 

There was always something new they fed us, the recent one being some kind of numbing one. The last time I was forced onto it, I remembered my mind shutting down. It felt like I was constantly underwater. My limbs felt heavy and I spent the majority of my time in my room staring at the ceiling. 

When we refused, it always got violent. At some point the screams and cries were useless and I usually let it happen. Pansy never disclosed what they did to her but the cuts on her face and tears said enough. It seemed to happen to her far more often than it did to me. 

Though I couldn’t imagine what Father would do if he found out I was gay. If disobeying simple commands led to this then what would happen to me once I destroyed the life plan with my sexuality? 

She staggered over to my bed and grabbed the glass of water on my nightstand. Gulped it all down and stood there breathing rapidly. Then fell back onto my bed with a sigh. I listened to her heaving sniffling fill the room and lay down next to her. 

“What happened this time?” I whispered.

She took my hand into hers and squeezed it tight, “They found the pride flag pin I keep in my bag.”

My heart nearly stopped. It was an ugly, nasty feeling wrapping around my chest. A hungry dread that ate my calm nature alive far quicker than panic did. This was nothing either one of us ever wanted to feel. This was a feeling reserved only for the most unpleasant kinds of fears. The ones we wished our parents would never know about. 

“I got through it,” she said and I turned to look at her, “I managed to convince them that someone was just handing them out at school.”

Fresh tears sprung out of her eyes and she reached a hand up to cover them.

“Pansy…”

“Draco, promise me one thing.” 

I nodded, “Anything.”

“Never let your father find out, ok?” she sniffed, “they… they will hurt you beyond anything you’ve ever felt. And then you’ll probably learn about The Institution. It’s basically gay conversion therapy but for rich kids. You know, so the money can cover any legal fees for the inhumane shit they do to you.”

“You aren’t getting sent away there, are you?” 

Her bloodshot eyes glanced over at me, “Not yet. But another strike and I probably will be. I overheard my parents talking about it. Found a pamphlet in my father’s study too. That place will probably fuck us up bad.”

“Right.” 

I watched her quietly knowing far more went down tonight, but it was best not to pry. There had to be a middle ground to all this. Coming out to others at school without my parents finding out. Maybe coming out to a smaller group of people? 

Though coming out would just provide my bullies with more ammunition. I’d probably get stuck in fights I could no longer handle alone. Thinking back to the feelings I had with Potter caused more turmoil to brew in my body. The whole thing was a double-edged sword. 

For some reason at the moment, my time at the nightclub flashed into my mind. Expressing myself in the most outward fashion and never getting caught. If Father knew about that night, he’d probably fast-track me into that Institution place. But the satisfaction that came from him not knowing was fueling my need for more. More of that feeling of breaking out of my shell. More of getting away with it. Baring my soul to others while staying disguised and hidden. 

We lay there in silence for quite some time until Pansy dozed off. I pushed her further onto the bed and pulled off her boots. Covered her up with the blanket and lay down next to her. At times like these, she looked so small. Fragile and delicate as ever. I hoped that one day I would be able to protect her the same way she does to me. 

My eyes grew heavier with sleep and soon I fell back into a fresh set of dreams. 

Chapter Text

I woke to see Mother standing at the edge of my bed on the phone with someone. Her voice was low and she kept nodding along. I watched her pace around my room and carefully pushed myself upwards. She turned around and finished off her conversation. It was clear she didn't want me to overhear anything. 

“I see you two… slept together,” Mother sighed and eyed Pansy curled up next to me. 

I shook my head, “Nothing, like that. She needed a friend at the moment and trusted me enough to come here.”

Mother’s eyes and face, though stern at times, were nothing like Father’s. It seemed her anger and temper came from Father and from the way he directed her to treat me. His beliefs rubbed off on her as well and over the years she mimicked his ferocious nature. It seemed that she wanted what was best for me, but her words and actions were simply Father’s own, only done by her gentler hand. 

“Well, next time make sure she stays put. Her parents assumed she’d be here, but this is unacceptable. She can’t—”

I sat up a little straighter, “She needed me. Could she stay a while and then we’ll head to school?”

Her eyes glanced down at where my hand reached for Pansy’s and she crossed her arms. The way her shoulders tensed up and how her own hand’s grip tightened, it was clear it bothered her. Something about this made me wonder if fake dating Pansy would have the same impact as coming out as gay. Why was Pansy such an awful choice for me aside from the obvious? 

“Very well. Lucius is gone on business, so for today it’s alright,” Mother said.

She left the room and I fell back down on my pillows. Pansy stirred next to me and grumbled loudly. 

“Fucking hell, my head is killing me,” she pressed her face into her pillow. 

“You shouldn’t move too much, last night was a lot for you,” I turned to my side and watched her wince in pain. 

She turned her face to me, “Get me a first aid kit then.”

“Please?”

The death glare was enough to get me to sit back up. I watched her roll to her back and run a hand through her tangled hair. She looked like shit and normally I’d have a laugh out of it, but this wasn’t the place nor time. 

“Fine, your majesty.”

As I hopped off the bed and grabbed my robe to throw over my pyjamas I heard a quiet Thank you come from behind me. Smiled to myself and exited the room. 

The mansion during the day was always my favourite. All the curtains were drawn back and if the day was sunny enough, the house filled with bright light. A complete difference from the haunted atmosphere during the evening and night. The house relied heavily on natural light and all the dim lighting at night didn’t help the slightest. On days like today, the sun pushed its way through the dense trees to fill the house in a warm glow. 

I descended the huge spiral staircase, passing the many family portraits and paintings splashed across the walls. A few were a little too grotesque for my taste, almost as if Father commissioned a horror artist. I knew Mother despised them too and why she filled the hallways with flowers and plants. Something to brighten up the unruly sight of hollowed-out eyes and hunting landscapes. 

Every time I reached the first floor, I’d do a spin through the main foyer passing under the giant chandelier. If only the decor here was kinder on the eyes, it would resemble a warmer home. Though sometimes I’d picture that it was. That I didn’t live here with parents who only loved me financially. I wished I lived in a cozy house with beautiful pastel paintings of flower fields and animals. Something with less marble and more wood for that homey feeling. 

Mother was in the kitchen explaining something to one of the maids we still had. I didn’t seem to notice any of the silent servants around and found that a little strange. They were usually slithering about cleaning or prepping something. 

“Mother, would you know where we keep the first aid kit?” I walked closer to her as she dismissed the maid. 

“In the basement, Draco,” she said, “but I don’t think you should go down there. Though I do have a meeting to attend soon…”

“I’ll be in and out.”

She hesitated and stood in thought. I eyed the huge breakfast tray on the counter behind her and knew it wasn’t for me or her. It looked like a meal to feed a small starving army. 

“Alright, Draco. The first aid kit is in the medicine cabinet in the main room. But also bring Artem’s breakfast down if you can,” she handed me the large tray of food, “I’ll be having my meeting in the garden with the council ladies. I want you in and out.”

Before I could reply she was already hurrying out of the kitchen through the back door. I could faintly hear the laughter and chatter from the garden and spotted the herd of sunhats in the distance. 

The tray of food was piled on with at least five eggs worth of an omelet, a dozen bacon strips, six slices of jammed up toast, a bowl of fruit and what looked to be a jar of water. A small shot glass held a few colourful pills and my eyes lingered on them longer. 

It was a little frightening having a whole person residing in our basement without knowing who he was. Hearing his screams from that first night will forever haunt me, but I wish I knew more. What purpose did he serve? Was he really just Father’s lackey? He never left the basement as far as I knew. 

Which I hadn’t been in for at least a year. The last I heard the whole thing was being renovated and just as it was completed, Artem moved in. 

Walking down pitch-black basement stairs wasn’t something I expected to do today, yet here I was. The stench as I walked was putrid. Something rotten filled my nose and I held my breath till I reached the bottom landing. I knew there was something in the room with me, but didn’t want to imagine what decaying horrors sat in the corners. 

Father usually hid his ‘trophies’ in the garden or down in the basement. From my first few reactions, he kept his cadavers hidden from my eyes. I couldn’t imagine what I would do when I took over his work. No matter how many lessons Father led me through, I couldn’t stomach killing another person, let alone doing what he did. I wished I was able to run away from this life. Marry some cute guy and live out my life in a cozy peace. Never to see another bloody corpse again. 

I opened the door to a brightly lit hallway. The familiar hallway with Father’s many tunnel doors lay ahead of me, though the wallpaper was different. The doors were different too, blending carefully into the darker walls. I never opened any of the doors by instruction and assumed each was guarded by some sort of alarm. I couldn’t step out of place, not here. 

Down the hallway, I walked till it veered off to the left into a grand room with high-arched ceilings and dim lighting. The new room resembled that of a high-class club. A large billiard table, a few couches and some card tables stood around the sides. Right in the center was a long bar. It was purely black with a blue glass display case standing behind it with at least a hundred bottles of alcohol in it. The blue light from the shelves brought an eerie glow into the room.

Standing behind the bar was a tall blond man with a black mask covering the upper half of his face. His clothes were similar to that of the silent servants. A white dress shirt and a red vest with golden buttons. Both were unbuttoned all the way down revealing skin. When he saw me in the doorway, he quickly buttoned up his shirt. This was Artem. 

I approached the bar with the tray and he seemed frozen in place. 

“Oh, it’s just you,” Artem snorted, “thought you were your dad. Was expecting a beating or something.”

“Just breakfast,” I gave him a smile to keep my fear deep down, “and I need a first aid kit.”

When I placed the tray down on the bar, Artem dove in without hesitation. Grabbing up the fork and began to shovel food into his mouth. The way he ate was similar to a wild animal. As if they hadn’t fed him in weeks, which could’ve been the case. His loud eating noises were making me uncomfortable, but I took a seat at the bar anyway. 

He readjusted his mask and froze when he noticed me watching him, “What do you want?” 

"I need the first aid kit and I'll be gone. Do you know where the medicine cabinet is?"

Artem reached for his jar of water, "I won't tell you where it is unless you give me something in exchange."

I watched him, "Okay, like what?"

"Give me some information, Draco,” he leaned a little over the counter, his eyes boring straight into mine. His stare was a bit intense as if he had no concept of personal space. 

"Why? What kind?" I asked.

He spilled his pills out onto the bar surface and smashed them into a powder. I watched him pick it up and sprinkle it over the food like it was salt. A thin blue and green layer spread over his eggs and toast and I grimaced at the sight. 

He grabbed a piece of toast and took a bite, "Anything. Like what's the deal with you and your friend Pansy? If you think I can't see you two, I can."

"Why do you need to know?" I just went along with it, though the uncomfortable feeling was creeping higher up my back. A chill coursed through my spine and I shook it out. 

He looked a little perturbed, "Because if I don't have information, I get punished. And punishment doesn't come lightly in this house. I’m sure you’re aware of that. I am the new eyes and ears of this town and must provide whatever I can."

I cleared my throat, "Well, Pansy and I are just friends. I don't know what else to tell you."

"Bullshit." 

The uneasiness was becoming almost a flashing alarm in my mind. Something was telling me to leave immediately . This was Artem’s turf and he knew the space far better than I did. If I tried to run, what could he possibly do to me? Mother was in the garden, Father was away, and Pansy was probably asleep again. 

“I don’t have anything else on that. The first aid box doesn’t belong to you anyway, so I think it’s best if you just hand it over,” I straightened myself up and gave him a firm glare. 

Squinting, he watched my movements and expression, “What would it take for me to find out what’s going on with you, Draco.”

“Tell me what’s your deal. Who or what are you? Where did you come from?” I stood my ground. 

Chuckling softly to himself, Artem looked amused. His glee was spreading throughout his face and hands and I watched him happily tap the counter. 

“Well, I am both Lucius's biggest enemy and his greatest weapon. If the truth behind my existence got leaked it would destroy his reputation. My mom worked as a singer in a nightclub and we were really poor. Lucius made a deal with her to take me in when I was old enough. If she cut all contact with me, she would become rich overnight. The truth behind the situation I won’t surrender lest you provide me with an equally strong secret. Something far greater than whether you and Pansy are dating,” Artem said. 

This was certainly a first. Not at all what I expected from Artem. I’d always assumed he was some weirdo Father picked off the side of the road. Not a whole conspiracy to do with some bar singer. There was more to the story since Father didn’t care for the poor common folk. He especially didn’t care for nightclubs I knew that much. 

“What would you want to know?” I asked. 

Artem grinned, “Well, depending on how juicy the info is, what were you and Pansy doing at that nightclub a while ago?”

My heart skipped a beat. If Artem knew about that it meant that he had eyes on that part outside of town. Which was strange since the nightclub was far out of bounds for what Father controlled. Unless… Unless this was the nightclub where Artem’s mom worked. It would make sense why Artem kept an eye on it. And if Artem knew then Father knew too. 

Meaning that night I was cornered with the lipstick, Father knew I was lying. But why didn’t he make a bigger deal out of it? Why not hurt me more for lying, knowing where I actually was? What was he trying to protect?

I gasped, ignoring Artem’s initial question, “Father knows we went there but can’t bring it up or he’ll expose himself. Because for whatever reason he has connections with your mother.”

Artem frowned, “It’s no fun when you start to figure things out.”

“Well, that’s all I can figure out for now. And I don’t plan on telling you what we did there. I can live without knowing more about you,” I said, "though this also means that that nightclub gives me full immunity to do whatever I want there." 

The idea of doing all that again was certainly an interesting thought. It seemed that Artem only had eyes to the outside of the club, or he didn’t recognize me in my disguise. Did this mean that the nightclub had its own tunnel and control room too? 

While I did get a grand tour of the tunnels a few years ago, Father didn’t know I knew about the control room. The room was located at the end of the basement hallway behind a family portrait, maybe one of the more normal ones in the manor. The control room was small and cold, filled top to bottom with security camera footage screens. Cameras covered most of the town with the exception of a few blind spots. Blind spots like that cozy coffee shop on Main Street near campus. I hoped that place would never learn Father’s touch. 

“Draco!” came the call of Pansy from somewhere overhead. 

I watched Artem prick up at her voice. 

“I’m in the basement!” I hollered back, hoping she would hear me through the vents. 

Loud footsteps ran around till I heard the door to the basement swing open. When the door to the hallway opened too, I heard her call my name again followed by a holy fuck and her footsteps approaching. 

“I’m in here!” I shouted and she appeared under the archway leading into the main room. 

“I haven’t seen this place since construction,” she stepped in and came over to the bar. Her head rolled back as she admired everything around her. When she noticed Artem, she raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“Welcome, Miss Parkinson,” Artem pushed his tray aside. 

“Just Pansy is fine,” she said, “haven’t ever seen you in person. Heard plenty through my parents and rumours at those crazy dinners. You’re a little slimmer than described though, everyone’s been saying how huge and buff you were.” 

Artem laughed nervously, “Well, I could be. Actually, while you’re here, could I ask you a few things?”

“Not today, we need a first aid kit and Draco looks like he’s about to shit his pants, so best we leave asap,” Pansy gave him a polite smile and nudged me hard in the shoulder. 

“Right, the kit,” Artem shot me a glare, before getting up and walking behind the bar. He appeared with a white box and handed it to Pansy. Once she thanked him, she grabbed my arm and dragged me out. 

She didn’t let go once we were out of the basement and she made sure the door was shut tight. We entered the kitchen and I peeped out at Mother having her meeting. They were all laughing loudly about something and clinking drinks. When Father was out on business, even she was able to let loose. Something about seeing Mother having a good time and smiling made me feel a little lighter. 

Pansy sat at one of the kitchen stools while I carefully treated her cuts and bruises. It might’ve been too late and I knew I should’ve done this the night before, but there was no way I was walking through the house at night. 

Once I finished with her face, I took her hands one by one to fix. Knuckles and fingers were in an awful state, dried blood peeling away again. I pressed the medicated cotton ball to each finger and watched her wince in pain. 

“Do you want to skip school?” I whispered. 

She snorted, “God, no. Skip the chance to show up at school with all these wounds? I’m injured and still showed up. That should tell others something.”

I figured she’d say something like that. As I flipped her hand over to treat her palm, I noticed a deeper gash on her right hand. It looked like she was trying to stop some kind of sharp weapon with her hand, probably from when her father attacked her. Once I pressed some ointment to the spot, I reached for the gauze. 

"You don't have to always appear strong and fearless. You can let your guard down sometimes, you know? Showing a little bit of weakness builds character,” I said. 

“Any kind of weakness will bring down my image,” she frowned, “I can’t go around crying like you do. If someone sees the other side of me, everything falls apart. People depend on me to keep them safe and I help keep the balance between a few gangs. I can’t afford to unless I harm others too.”

“Maybe by showing the true you, it would give some perspective to others. You’re only human, Pansy. Maybe it will strengthen your image more,” I tightened the gauze. 

“Draco,” she tore her hand away from mine, “no.” 

I snatched her hand back roughly to finish my job, “You tell me to embrace my gay everything, even put me in danger by having me sing on stage dressed as a woman. You have me break all these boundaries, yet won’t do the same yourself.” 

“I can’t come out. It’s a sign of weakness.”

“Didn’t you tell me not to treat being gay as a sickness? When I wanted to get rid of it you told me to embrace it and fight for it. Show others I’m not here for their shit,” I said sternly.

She groaned, “Fuck, I wished you had a shittier memory. You’re practically quoting me what the hell.”

“Am I wrong though?” 

“...No.”

I locked eyes with her, “Are you gonna let some sniveling weak students keep you from being yourself.” 

“Yeah. For now at least,” she sighed as I tied her bandages up, “but you know what would keep my mind off this? The Hit List. About time to start on that shit.”

Every part of me wished she’d forget about the list. When Pansy got engrossed in it, she became a rabid beast. A monster ready to tear anyone’s head off as she hunted for her prey. Anyone who got in her way always made it on the list too. No one was on the list without some kind of reason. Some with more troublesome reasons than others, like Theodore. 

There were a few commissions on that list too. People would ask Pansy to come after their bullies and she didn’t hesitate to protect others. The Hit List practically eradicated bullies off the campus last year, before a whole gang decided to step up against her. Of course, this year they were all on the list. 

“Who is the first on your list?” I asked. 

“Well, I got a few guys on the hockey team underlined in red. Meaning they receive special treatment from me for being extra shitty,” she chuckled. 

“And then?”

“Harry Potter,” she grinned, “you okay with that?” 

I really couldn’t imagine what Potter did to piss Pansy off enough to make her list. From the way she interacted with him during the English lecture, I was sure everything was alright. 

Chapter Text

The warm glow and soft jazz of The Golden Drop always brought in a pleasant atmosphere. The place resembled that of a steampunk mad scientist lair, down to the baristas dressed up in 1980s exaggerated steampunk fashion. The equipment they used was all done up in a brassy gold and even the espresso machines looked like copper beasts with all kinds of steam pipes and valves. 

It was said that the place would be undergoing renovation soon, so Pansy and I came in for a final hurrah. It was unclear who bought out the place, but everyone was mourning the removal of the theme it had going on for years. 

A week passed since my encounter with Artem and Pansy’s injuries. The week was spent productively with Pansy stalking the hockey players she was meant to come after. Her goal was to take one of their varsity jackets and wear it as a prize after winning the fight. She also attended my practices to watch Potter and figure out the best way to attack him. 

I was feeling a little worried because Pansy didn’t care for lacrosse, but watching her squatting next to the field with a cigarette was terrifying. Her eyes followed the Gryffindors and she even got invested in my Captain duties. Whenever I coached the team, she would whistle in support. It got the Slytherin team a little uneasy because everyone knew about the Hit List, but no one knew who was on it. 

I felt a little cocky and braver too knowing this was my grace period. No one could touch me, no one dared to speak up against me, and people even said hello to me in the halls. All to not have their names added to the list. Walking through the halls with my head held up high, feeling better than everyone else was amazing. Feeling everyone’s eyes on me felt different this time around. 

Not to mention my parents allowed me to move into the school dorms. Somehow the rumours of Pansy and I dating helped push the decision forth. It also got the Parkinsons to allow Pansy to come along too. We both tried hard to mask our excitement as the cars were loaded with our suitcases and belongings. I was practically vibrating from the new freedom. Watching the scowl cross Father’s face as I sat in the car was everything and more. 

I was only free to go as long as Father dropped by here and there to check up on me. Since he aided the school in their finances, he had free reign over a lot of things. It didn’t matter to me since the dorms were out of bounds for him. 

After fully moving in, Pansy and I walked down to The Golden Drop to celebrate. As we sipped our drinks and went on about all the things we could do now, I watched a group of students enter. We were seated in a booth but only Pansy’s back was to the door. The familiar faces of Potter and Granger came in and both immediately looked lost. 

“I feel like we’re cheating on Deja Brew by coming here,” Granger nudged Potter with a nervous laugh. 

I watched them order and Pansy noticed my concentrated face. 

“Who’s there?” she leaned in and I nodded my head in their direction. Pansy whipped around and then back to me. 

“Oh shit, ok scoot over, I wanna see what this is about,” Pansy got up and slid into the bench next to me. It was a tight squeeze but we tried not to make it crazy obvious. 

“Gryffindors rarely come here,” I said to Pansy.

She sipped her espresso milkshake loud, “Why there has to be something going on. The last time I noticed Gryffindors come here was when they were discussing some event. Another time was when that Dean guy broke up with two girls at once. But never for anything normal.”

We both pulled our phones out and pretended to scroll through something, glancing at the duo ever so often. Once they got their drinks, they walked over to the only other table left. They were seated not too far from us, but enough to overhear the entire conversation. It seemed that they didn’t notice us otherwise Potter would probably have some kind of reaction. 

“Hermione, I don’t know what to do,” Potter sighed.

“Harry, you have to talk to Ginny about this, not me.”

“Yeah, but we just started dating. I’m still just as confused myself,” he stirred his drink around. 

Granger looked troubled, her leg was bouncing up and down under the table. Her thick brows were furrowed together in deep thought and she eyed Harry over their drinks. When one of her hands started to tap along the tabletop, Pansy elbowed me hard in the ribs. 

“Do you think they secretly hooked up or something?” she whispered.

I frowned, “No, it has to be something else.”

“Oh, like you’re an expert on Potter and his friends.”

I elbowed her back, “Shut up and listen.”

Granger was looking more and more distraught, “I’m giving you one month. If you don’t tell her, I will. Then imagine how you’d look.”

“I’ll do it.”

Granger stirred her drink a little faster, “Harry, before the Christmas party, okay? I don’t want to see who you end up making out with then. You get real handsy when drunk. If you think you’re really that then I think you should either figure your stuff out and make it work or break up with Ginny.”

“You don’t understand. It’s not that easy,” Potter huffed.

“I’m your closest friend, why the hell do you think I wouldn’t understand?” 

He leaned in, “Because you got it so easy with Ron. You guys began dating without any complications.”

“Are you serious? Do you know what I had to go through to make sure Molly Weasley approved of me? Can’t be just anyone dating her baby,” Granger snapped. 

“Yeah, but you’re happy now! Right?”

Granger pinched the bridge of her nose, “This is going nowhere, Harry. I’m not going to argue in circles about my relationship with Ron. We came here to discuss you so quit trying to dodge the topic.”

“Okay then,” Potter grumbled and slumped back in his seat, “but you can’t mention anything to her. I’m doing this my way.” 

Granger leaned in and they began to whisper about something. We could no longer hear them, but Potter looked a little scared. He kept chewing on the inside of his lip and not touching his drink. I still couldn’t tell what the hell this was, but there was something to potentially destroy his relationship with Ginny and it made me a little… happy? Seeing them all over each other throughout campus or the way they acted on the lacrosse field made the hair on the back of my neck rise in flaming jealousy.

It’s not like I liked him. Maybe him pinning me down confirmed that, but it didn't. Something about that moment was terrifying, but it possibly awakened something else in me. 

I eyed his arms and how that t-shirt was barely holding in all that muscle. When my eyes drew up to his face I remembered how I slapped him across that cheek… Those cheekbones. My face was beet red for sure and I quickly chugged back some milkshake. 

The regret and brainfreeze came shortly after and Pansy turned to stare at me. 

“What the hell was that?” she whispered and watched me squeeze my eyes shut.

“Brainfreeze…” I sucked air through my teeth. 

“I know that, dumbass, why did you chug it like that?” she grabbed my face and held it up to hers. 

When she noticed my face flushed in a blush, she let go with an ohh and chuckled to herself. I watched her glance over at Potter and then back at me. 

“Imagine how hot he’d look with blood splattered across his white t-shirt,” she threw an arm around my shoulders and hugged me to her side. 

As if I’d be into something like that. How did I break it to her that even if I felt a strong distaste for Potter, I didn’t want to see him hurt. It seemed that even though he was built like a professional athlete, his personality seemed very different. Potter was definitely a little clueless and scared of most things. I’d witnessed him jump and scream in fear at multiple things throughout our years at school and usually, he’s the one clinging to others. Somehow it was usually Granger.

Except around Ginny, his ego seems to inflate and he acts far different than what he is. 

The Golden Drop doors suddenly flew open and speak of the devil—Ginny Weasley herself marched in. She announced her arrival quite loudly and Potter immediately perked up. Straightened his posture and cracked back his shoulders. Both he and Granger looked guilty as hell, hiding their secrets behind darting eyes. I watched Potter don a smile and Granger followed. The group’s interactions were fascinating to me and wished I had a bigger group of friends with complex dynamics. Give me something less violent than the family secrets Pansy and I exchanged. 

As I watched Ginny give Harry a peck on the cheek and sit at the table with them, I inhaled deeply and let the knot of breath struggle against my chest. Seeing how Potter followed along with her. Seeing how their romantic gestures carelessly came out. Seeing all of it brought a pang to my heart. 

Maybe I wanted the same thing. Maybe I wanted Potter. I didn’t know. I let it out as I clenched my hands under the table. Why was I feeling this? Why was I jealous? Why did any part of me think I had a chance with Potter? 

"To be fair, Harry, I could do far better than your girlfriend."

My own words played themselves like a broken record in my mind as I watched Ginny lace her hand into Potter’s fingers. I slammed my fist on top of the table and stood up, crying out in a disgruntled sigh. Everyone sitting in that cafe turned to stare at me, including Potter and his group. Pansy even jumped back in surprise. 

All eyes were on me and I thought I would boil over. Pansy scurried to her feet and grabbed my hand to pull me out of the booth. I was feeling a rush of fury course through me and I didn’t understand why. My vision blurred as Pansy kicked open the doors and pushed me outside. 

The cool night air smacked me in the face and I stood there unsure of what to feel. 

“Draco!” 

I glanced up at Pansy standing there with her hands on her hips, “Yes?” 

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” 

She sighed, “If you’d stop being difficult and tell me what the fuck is going on, I could help you. Is it Potter?” 

“Maybe it’s Potter! Maybe not!” I ran up to the garbage can in front of the shop and kicked it. Let out another bothered cry and kicked it again. 

“Okay, first of all, calm the fuck down.”

I turned and glared at her, “You can’t tell me what to do.” 

She stared at me, her expression darkening. Then approached me and grabbed me roughly by the arm. Her nails dug into my skin and she began to drag me as she walked. I was sure my arm would come out of its socket and tried to protest. Except there was no escaping Pansy’s grip. I tried to channel my exploding emotions into pushing myself out. Tried to dig my heels into the ground, but she continued to walk on as if I weighed nothing. 

When nothing worked, I relaxed and stopped trying to get out of it. She noticed this and stopped in her tracks. We were halfway to our dorms, standing in the center of the huge field surrounded by all the school buildings. It was dead out here except for a few smokers perched in front of the auditorium. 

“Draco,” she dropped my arm and I rubbed the spot she grabbed. 

“What.”

“Did Potter do something to you that I don’t know about?” she asked. 

“No.” 

I felt lost. The feeling of being dragged underwater was drowning away any sense of calm I had left in me. The wish to scream my lungs out was there and I knew, I knew, this wasn’t just the stupid crush on Potter. There was something else tugging inside of me pulling me apart from both ends. This wasn’t just jealousy either. Whatever the hell it was, I didn’t understand and felt the panic brew and boil out of my fingertips. I could feel every nerve in my body shrieking and the blood ringing deep within my ears, but at the same time felt nothing. A numbing feeling that encapsulated every last drop of sanity I had left. A panic attack this bad wasn’t normal for me. Maybe I was drugged in my sleep. Maybe Father really got to me while I was in bed and pricked me with something and maybe Artem slipped something to me in that basement and I didn’t notice and maybe this wasn’t real and I was dreaming and maybe—

“DRACO.” 

I glanced up at Pansy, feeling my hands shaking and realized I was sobbing. The sound of Pansy’s voice brought me out of it and I collapsed to the ground in a gasping sob. She knelt down next to me as I curled up into a ball on the grass. 

“Can I touch you?” she whispered and I nodded. 

Felt her warm arms pull me up and into a tight hug. Listening to Pansy’s heart pounding inside her chest got me crying harder and I buried my face into her jacket. 

“Okay, do you wanna punch this one out or talk about it?” she asked quietly. As she spoke she gently tapped my back and I realized I should answer. 

The words weren’t leaving my lips and I tightened my hold on her shirt. 

I felt her chest heave with a sigh, “That’s okay too. But tomorrow let me know if Potter is responsible for this or anyone else. I’m not holding back and tearing straight into them with everything I got. No one gets to hurt you.”

I nodded. 

We sat there for quite some time till the tears were reduced to sniffling. I loosened my grip on Pansy, but she didn’t. At some point, I tapped her arm and she let go. Held me by the shoulders and glanced at my face. 

“You wanna go?” she whispered. 

“Yeah.” 

The trek across the field felt longer than usual, my knees were nearly buckling under me but I trudged on. The remnants of the hurricane of emotions from a few minutes ago still lingered. Picking at my mind and the fresh wounds, ready to start it up again. 

The dorm building was just ahead and I spotted two figures leaning against one of the columns. They were stuck to one another in a passionate kiss, so I tried to look away. Pansy seemed just as grossed out and pushed us along faster. When we passed them, the couple broke apart and one of them hid their face. I managed to catch the face of the taller individual and my eyes widened. 

The second we stepped into the building and the door slammed behind us, Pansy gasped and let go of me. 

“Not to start drama when you feel like this, but did you see who that was?” she hissed. 

“I did,” I said, “the taller one.”

Pansy clapped her hands together, “I caught the shorter one’s face.”

“Okay, then one, two, three…” I felt the previous nasty feelings melting away slowly. 

“Cedric!”

“Blaise!”

We stared at each other and I watched a huge grin spread across Pansy's face. 

“Blaise is gay?” I cried out, sharing the same shocked smile with Pansy. I happened to notice Cedric’s iconic jawline and cheekbones holding the other person’s head down from view. But Blaise ? 

Blaise was close friends with Daphne and Theodore. The three used to be closer friends with Pansy and me till we all drifted apart. Pansy coming out to me was a huge factor in that. The constant bullying of other gay students was enough to drive us apart. Their harsh homophobic remarks became more difficult to laugh at and faking that laughter was even harder. 

When we did drift apart the bullying towards me began. This was during the 2nd year and Theodore didn’t waste a single second to begin picking on me. Constant physical altercations that led to injuries that only grew worse and worse. It seemed this was when I saw his true colours and our ‘friendship’ was all a farce. Daphne and Blaise followed close behind, messing with my lacrosse equipment and dorm room. Laughing along with Theodore as if we hadn’t been friends for years. 

Something like that gave me awful trust issues. It took ages to realize and understand that Pansy was my only ride or die till the end. Nothing could break us apart and though she proved herself with violence, she also did by not spilling any of my secrets. 

We hurried up the stairs going back and forth about Blaise and what this would do to Cedric. He preached to the straight-guy image like it was the alter to his identity. Girls were always swarmed around him, sometimes multiple of them kissing him after wins. But this also made me wonder if he was just bi. It was possible and I brought this up with Pansy, who squinted in thought. 

Our dorm rooms were on the second floor, rooms next to one another. We still didn’t know who our respective roommates were and prayed and hoped we got some of the nicer Slytherin. I was told my roommates would be coming in tonight or tomorrow early morning. 

We parted ways and I entered my room with a huge sigh. The image of Cedric running his hands under Blaise’s shirt and across his back was burned into my mind. The way they fell into that kiss so flawlessly, taking in each other’s breath and pushing on for more. I slapped my cheeks and made my way to the bathroom. 

Once I was in bed, I quickly set alarms for classes the next morning and groaned aloud. Pressed the base of my palms into my eyes and kicked the blanket away. It was the way I didn’t prepare for tonight to be this eventful. Lingering pieces of that panic attack still rolled through my body and my heartbeat still wouldn’t lay quiet. The Cedric-Blaise thing distracted me enough but didn’t make the feelings go away. I inhaled deeply, following my breathing as it moved through me. Concentrated on my body and exhaled slow. 

The door suddenly clicked and I gasped and reached for my blanket. Threw it over my shoulders and faced the wall. I heard voices enter the dark room and they didn’t seem to turn the lights on. But I could see the lights from the hallway dance across the wall.  

"Fuck, Theo I think someone caught us.”

It was Blaise. Shit, with Theodore too. 

"Did you see who it was? If it was someone as dense as Goyle you really don't have a problem,” came Theodore’s husky drawl that made me wanna throw a pillow back at them. 

They were discussing the kiss. 

"Worse than that,” Blaise sighed loud and I listened to them walk across the room. A loud click told me they flicked on the small lamp that sat in the corner. The door shut behind them. 

"Worse?"

A loud thud, "Pansy and Draco."

Theodore laughed nervously, "Well, fuck me. Knowing Pansy she'd hang this above you and use it against us when needed. I wish for once we had a higher ground. The stupid rumour I tried spreading about her and Draco only got positive feedback."

I knew he was involved in some way or another by the way he bragged about it, but it was hilarious the gossip never took off. 

"And we're both on the Hit List this year. You more than me. She can't get to me because of my family,” Blaise said. 

I heard a phzzzz of a drink can opening, then, "You do realize the Parkinsons are far richer than you and they have close ties with the Malfoys."

"And? You think that scares me?” Blaise chuckled. 

"I've heard both families are part of some mafia ring and they chop up the bodies and hide them in their basements or some shit,” Theodore said. 

This was true. In the garden too. It felt strange hearing it come out of someone else’s mouth. This wasn’t exactly public information and Father’s business deals were kept behind closed doors. Father was the kingpin of the whole organization, leading families like the Parkinsons through all of it. The Notts might have been involved for a brief time, but if a family didn’t have money, Father didn’t bother. 

What was sold and smuggled I still didn’t know and wouldn’t know till I turned 28. By then I would become Father’s right-hand man, replacing Artem and slowly taking over the empire. 

Blaise snorted, "Theo, c'mon, that sounds like the plot of some cheesy horror movie. I don't believe it. They're probably just stupidly rich and that's it."

"Either way I don't think Pansy cares and will come after us both. If only I could get the chance to throw the first punch and beat that bitch to the ground,” Theodore burped loud and I grimaced. 

"I wanna see you try." 

Theodore sighed, "Draco too. Maybe if I can get Draco beat down good enough and blame it on someone else, then go after Pansy…" 

"You're talking nonsense, Theo,” Blaise said, “she’s gonna kill those four hockey players soon and wear one of their jackets as a trophy. Did it last year to some asshole. She's fucking insane. Going after her is suicide. Don’t let the way she treats Draco fool you." 

"I'm already on the Hit List, there's no escaping it."

Blaise pressed on, "Get on her good side then. I'm just avoiding her as best as I can and hope she removes me." 

Someone’s phone then rang and Theodore answered loudly. Told the other end they’d be there soon and hung up. I listened to them talk about some party happening on the east side of campus and both soon left the room. 

I wondered which one of them I’d have the pleasure of rooming with.

Chapter Text

The fear that woke with me that morning was Harry Potter’s fate. His very bloody fate. I knew Pansy would go through with it from how quietly she ate breakfast next to me. How she spent our joint lecture sharpening her knife onto the side of the seat. My hands were getting more clammy with each passing hour. 

I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did towards Potter. These feelings were far too complicated to dissect right this minute, but I knew I didn’t want him hurt. What would he think if he saw me as the bystander, while Pansy whaled on him? 

We reached the moment where she was rushing towards the sports field with her switchblade in hand. Already wearing her prized bloody varsity jacket, knuckles taped up, hair tied back into a small ponytail. Even with how athletic I was, I couldn’t keep up with her long strides. 

"Pansy, please stop!" I cried out.

"No."

"Please, I don't want him to get hurt"

She whipped around almost pushing me back, "Why? Do you like him? Do you have some kind of crush on him? If you do, you could tell me now and I'll stop."

Her voice was almost taunting and I felt strange hearing those words come from her. 

"I don't know," I said. 

"Then Draco, I mean this in the nicest way possible, fuck off.”

"Pans!" 

She walked on. Heavy stomps left deep tracks and the grass was uprooted. Her strides were filled with a vicious motivation and if I didn’t stop her soon Potter would end up dead for real. I loved Pansy more than anyone, but sometimes she didn’t know when to stop. It was times like that when she genuinely scared me. 

"Pans! " 

When she got into ‘hunting mode’, there was no stopping her. No matter what the occasion was. Though hearing that she was willing to end it if I had a crush on her victim was new. In some fucked up way she was putting my feelings first. Maybe I should’ve lied. Maybe I should’ve said it for Potter’s sake. 

We were about to pass the Ravenclaw’s practice and I noticed a few of my Slytherin teammates sitting on the bleachers. An idea popped into my head and I watched Pansy push through a Ravenclaw huddle. Everyone was running out of the way, knowing exactly what was about to go down. Everyone’s eyes were on her. 

There was something I could do and it would be acting without thinking too. Purely on manipulating emotions and causing a big enough reaction to stop the fight. It was either now or never. I had either two options to pick from, one that would mostly affect me and the other was risky. 

We were approaching the Gryffindor side of the field, Potter was running after a ball. He was practically glowing, hair waving in the wind, and a big smile for his little fanclub squealing on the sidelines. My eyes scanned the field for his girlfriend and I noticed Ginny yawning at the other goalpost. 

Pansy was nearly there and a few Gryffindors saw her marching over. The chatter began and their practice game quickly came to a halt. Potter then noticed something was up and he scanned the field for the problem. 

When he was perfectly in Pansy’s line of sight, she let out a roar and lunged herself in his direction. Potter stumbled back, fear-stricken and tried to move out of the way. I watched her make contact with him and Potter’s strong arms attempt to resist her. They were both shouting something at each other, but I couldn’t make any sense of it from the crowd forming around. Fists were flying, the shine of Pansy’s blade swishing through the air, and I feared for both of them.

They were rolling through the grass, Potter seemed to have a good hold on Pansy. However, she was just as good at slithering out of anyone's grip and I got a glimpse of her blade rushing straight across his arm. Potter led on with his fist and barely got the chance to graze her ear. She was already around him, going straight for his legs. 

I pushed past people, calling out Pansy’s name. On the other side of the crowd, I heard Ginny’s cries for Potter. We both made it to the outermost circle where the two fought and Ginny glanced up at me. Our eyes locked and she gave me a nod, for what I couldn’t understand. 

The thoughts that raced through my head were all a mess of panicked exclamations. I shoved my face through the crowd, reaching where Pansy and Potter were tearing each other apart on the grass. Or more of Pansy having her way with Potter, who seemed to only be defending himself. I reached down and grabbed Pansy by the back of her shirt, pulling at her and shouting her name loud. Ginny was making her way to the other side, but I saw the uneasiness on her face. She didn’t seem to want to approach any closer. 

My own hands began to sweat as I knew this was the best time to use one of the two lines from before. I stood back, wiping my hands on my pants. 

I took a deep breath and shouted, “PANSY PARKINSON, I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU.” 

A stunned silence fell over the crowd. 

Pansy froze from where she was on top of Harry. When she glanced up at me I immediately regretted those words leaving my mouth. Absolutely enraged, she got up from where she was and glared at me. It was the angriest I’d ever seen her. She quickly turned to Harry, who still lay on the ground and threw her blade down at him. He screamed as it landed straight into the ground next to his head. 

“This isn’t over,” she snapped in his direction and then turned to me. 

She walked right over to me and pushed me as hard as she could. 

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?” she shouted, her voice poisoned with fury. 

I backed into the crowd, who was now parting and moving aside as fast as possible. 

“You heard me! I’m in love with you!” I snarled back, surprised at the venom in my voice. 

The murmurs and whispers began all around us. Pansy was livid, looking ready to kill me. But it also looked like she had no idea how to respond either. Hands still clasped at her sides, she approached closer and shoved me back.

Feeling my own feet give out from under me, I fell onto the ground. Pansy stood over me and I suddenly felt very small. She wouldn’t hurt me, right? There was no way she would lay a finger on me. 

Right?

“Draco, I swear, I’m going to—”

A sharp whistle screeched through the air and the crowd began to disperse. I scrambled to my feet, looking in the direction of the sound. The head coach of the sports and recreational department was marching over, with the Ravenclaw Captain close behind. 

“Parkinson! Malfoy! Potter! Headmaster’s office NOW,” came the bellow of the coach. 

“So, what you’re saying is that this was a lover’s quarrel?” 

After a long discussion, Potter refused to mention why Pansy came after him. He seemed to be covering for her, simply stating that they got into a physical fight. Yet he couldn’t even make eye contact with her, flinching whenever she moved in any way. Once he mentioned my loud confession to Pansy, he was dismissed to the infirmary. Hearing the words come from Potter suddenly filled me with regret and a little shame.

Though my options were quite limited. It was either drag Pansy down with me or come out as gay and bring attention to myself. Thinking back to it, coming out might’ve been the better outcome. Something about just doing it didn’t seem as frightening as it used to be. The only problem would be how others would perceive the friendship I had with Pansy. It would expel all the dating rumours, but also leave her in a sticky situation. 

“No,” Pansy shook her head, glancing up at the Headmaster. 

“No,” I repeated and I could feel her eyes on me. 

A loud sigh from the Headmaster, who let us out in the next few minutes with a brief lecture and a warning. It was a small punishment and would’ve been greater had Potter spoken up. I still felt how his eyes watched me as I spoke. How they lingered still when I turned to him. The depth of those eyes and how I’d have to pinch myself awake if I stared for too long. He was absolutely beautiful and I wished I could do something about it. 

I hated how with every passing day these feelings were becoming more and more transparent. I was able to see that perhaps it was a crush, maybe more. And maybe that was jealousy when I watched him and Ginny. What other emotion would make me act out the way I did? 

Pansy didn’t get us very far down the hall, stopping within a minute of walking. 

“Why did you say that?” she asked loudly. 

“Pansy, I had to—”

“You know not to intervene in my fights! You know what you cost me today?” she walked up to me, towering over me. 

“Pans.” 

She didn’t look amused, “Don’t Pans me! We talked about this. If we start fake dating rumours everything will fuck itself up. I’m not destroying my reputation because you have fake feelings for me.”

“You don’t understand.”

I didn’t know how ready I was to wear my heart out on my sleeve. However, I knew how obvious it was becoming and Pansy always saw right through me. Except this time I hardly knew what I was doing myself. The so-called crush was tearing me apart, pulling me from two sides. I just couldn’t find my middle ground yet. 

“What don’t I understand.” 

I reached forward to push her away from me a little, “I don’t want to see Potter hurt because… because I might have feelings for him.” 

The words were simply tumbling out of me now. 

Nothing changed on Pansy’s face. 

“Well, I waited a long time to hear that,” she snorted, “I think I reached that revelation before you. It was written all over your face for a while now.” 

“Okay, so then leave Potter alone,” I huffed.

“Pretty please? ” Pansy leaned down and a small smile tugged at her lips. 

I rolled my eyes and waved her off. She chuckled and threw an arm around me. I flinched a little when her arm made contact thinking back to what I witnessed on the field. It was almost as if I’d forgotten what she became when fighting others. Thankful I didn’t see what happened on the ice to those hockey players. That jacket was splattered with so much blood it was almost nauseating. After a good wash, it was still stained with a good amount. 

We were off to our afternoon classes to which I realized we ended up skipping out on our 14th century lit lecture. It was probably for the better since we wouldn’t have to encounter Potter yet again today. 

Out of the building, we split off where Pansy was heading down to the west end of campus for one of her Toxicology lectures. Mine was the other direction and I frankly didn’t remember the name of it. Something Something Financial Markets. It was one of the dullest lectures I’d ever sat in, something I didn’t have the choice to take. All my classes were pre-approved by Father aside from the lit elective Pansy and I took. 

It was still unclear why I needed to take all these boring business courses when the majority of Father’s work was deceiving others and knowing his way around the human body. Wouldn’t it have been better for me to go into the sciences? At this rate, Pansy would be a better choice to become the next heir. 

I knew skipping too many lectures led to my parents getting a phone call, but I really didn’t want to enter the classroom. It was filling in fast from what I noticed, the professor was already laying out his books, and I could almost hear his monotonous voice. How it was two hours of market trends and whatever else happened in the ‘world of finance’. For the first half of his classes, I always attempted to listen in before dozing off into a light slumber.

I couldn’t care less. 

Before anyone could notice me I began to hurry out of the building. Keeping my head low after my loud confession I figured the Slytherin Commons would be the worst idea at the moment. It wouldn’t take too long before the confession would reach everyone’s ears. 

Except why was I afraid of others? Why should I be the one hiding away? If thought about, I was near the top of the school’s food chain. Maybe taking advantage of Pansy wasn’t the worst since it gave me immunity. And my family name only helped more. 

Holding my head up high, I marched towards the Commons building anyway. What did I really have to lose?

I didn’t find anyone too familiar in the room and sat down on one of the back couches. Pulled out a few readings from my bag and leaned back into them. My eyes only blurred onto the words and I began to read sentences over and over. The more I pushed on, the more I began to feel sleepy. 

The couch gave way and I looked up to see Theo sitting down next to me. I tightened the grip on my book and tried to make it seem that I wasn’t frazzled by his appearance. 

“So, I heard about your declaration of love,” Theo said. 

“Okay, and?” I looked up at him. 

He crossed one leg over the other, “Are you really sure about what you said? You sure that wasn’t just some ploy to stop the fight?”

“What are you doing?” I sighed, “not get enough gossip?”

“No, I… I may have lost two grand over this.”

Did I hear that right? Was I bet on? 

I felt my throat grow dry, “Excuse me?”

Theo explained to me how there was a betting pool going on for ages now, starting in the 2nd year. It was about Pansy and me. Were we straight? Would we ever start dating? Were we maybe gay? All of it was brought up and money got involved. Theo bet against me being straight. In his eyes, I was gay and would come out this year. I tried hard to keep a poker face at this. 

Hearing Theo talk about how half the school was ripping apart Pansy and me and placing us into labelled boxes—made me feel a little sick. Didn’t matter the sexuality there was a betting circle for it. Separate ones for if Pansy and I would end up dating. Who would confess first if we were? The deeper it went, the worst I felt. 

We were placed under a microscope for the whole school to inspect and judge. I wondered what the price was for my coming out. Something about doing it didn’t sound as bad, though maybe a little scary. 

But would people care more about the money than me? What would happen to the people who bet against it? 

I watched Theo speak, zoning out on his words. Pansy and I were like pigs at the state fair. Just as our families treated us as walking prizes, the students here did too. When would someone see us for just us and not anything financial? When would the numbers disappear off the top of my head? 

It made me realize that coming out would only anger everyone for the wrong reasons. Whether breaking Father’s life plan or this. 

“I need to go,” I stood up and quickly shoved my books away into my bag. 

Theo stopped mid-sentence and I realized I interrupted him. He didn’t get mad or lash out like he usually did. Instead, sighed loud and muttered a whatever under his breath. 

I hurried out of that room and as soon as I reached the busy hallway my heart dropped. How many people in this hall bet money on me? What would it take to rattle or break their betting system? Have they thought of everything? 

Pushing through the crowd I heard echoes of my voice screaming the confession. It happened over and over as I moved on, realizing that the fight was probably filmed. 

Telling myself not to mind it, I carried myself to the edge of campus. Leaving the grounds felt almost a little relieving. I didn’t know much about this area except for the shops Father visited and the small coffee shop. I decided to go there. 

Stepping into the shop this time around felt different. It was peaceful, a little dead in customers and the gentle scent of coffee brought in a sense of calm. The further I walked in, I noticed the smell of fresh bread and inhaled deeply. I was never the biggest coffee fan, always confused by all the different names and flavours, but appreciated the coziness of places like this. 

A girl with brown curls tied back with a large pink bow sat at the counter. She was saying something to a tall scruffy-looking guy standing at the bar. I recognized the guy as Seamus Finnigan from the Gryffindor lacrosse team. They were whispering as the girl pointed to something on her phone. 

I approached the counter and the girl perked up.

“Hi! What can I get you?” she gave me a huge smile. 

“Surprise me?” I gave a nervous chuckle and the girl didn’t seem to look amused. Her smile immediately dropped.

“You know, when someone says that I always give a black iced coffee because it’s the easiest to make,” she crossed her arms. 

A groan from Seamus, “Lavender! C’mon! Offer something nice.” 

“Fiiiiiiine,” she rolled her eyes and I watched her punch something in, “a drunken rose latte with extra rose sprinkles because it’s what I drink.”

When I pulled my wallet out to pay she held a hand up.

“You’re Draco right?” she asked. 

I nodded.

“I’ll give you the latte for free if you give me the scoop on this,” she showed me her phone and pressed play on a video. 

There was Pansy tearing into Potter and then my horrible attempt at stopping the fight. When I heard my cringy confession ring through, Lavender paused it. She glanced over at me with a growing smile. 

“Please? Tell me more about you and Pansy?”

I was about to answer her but remembered the betting pool and suddenly the whole situation changed for me. It felt dirty and like everyone was only asking me things for the sake of money. 

“Sorry, I’d rather pay for the latte,” I pulled out my credit card and Lavender looked disappointed. 

She rang me up and I could feel her eyes on me as I approached the end of the bar. Seamus was finishing off my drink, which made my skin crawl just by seeing it. Topped off with whipped cream, some kind of pink sauce and then holy shit a frightening amount of sprinkles. I took the drink and its lid, giving a polite thank you to both of them. 

Not even wanting to sit in the café anymore, I left. I didn’t want to risk anyone in there asking more about the whole situation. Though I knew I dug my grave with that confession and it wouldn’t do me any good unless Pansy reciprocated my feelings. Deciding to walk back in the direction of the campus, I took a long sip of the latte. 

It was without question the worst thing I’d ever drunk in my life. The rose flavour was overpowering the milk and espresso, even making me question if there was any espresso in there to begin with. I hurried down the road, locating a garbage can and taking a final sip before tossing the whole thing out.

Chapter Text

It was time to come out. 

The urgency hit one night when I finally ran into my roommate. We’d been missing each other just barely, I’d be asleep when he came in or vice versa. Since I spent the majority of my time around Pansy, I only used my dorm to sleep. 

Seeing that Theo was my roommate gave me a rush of adrenaline I didn’t know I needed. It was the quick turn to courage and bravery as I watched him enter the room and stare at me. We did a very awkward exchange and he glared at me before running out. Something about him seemed off too. He wasn’t his usual snarky self, instead getting a bit red in the face every time he saw me. 

I don’t know what insane side of me decided at that moment to plan my coming out, but I felt like I should. Everyone, especially Theo, expected me to follow some kind of agenda. That if I didn’t follow their rules, I was to be afraid. Who gave these assholes the right? If I was going to come out it would be to show everyone that I wasn’t scared. Whatever happened, happened. 

Of course, saying this to Pansy only got her dying of laughter. She realized I was being serious and said she’d pummel anyone who tried me. 

Then we realized the elephant in the room.

“Wait, what are you gonna do about your confession to me?” she asked. 

We were lying in the center of the lacrosse field after practice. I long changed into my normal clothes and walked out to see Pansy lying there blowing smoke rings. The sun was setting around us, filling the sky in a lovely warm set of colour. We rolled up our sweaters to use as pillows and lay back.

“I forgot already…” I trailed off.

“It’s been a week. What happened to our romance, Draco?” she teased and made some kissy noises in my direction.

I shoved her playfully, “It’s dead. I broke up with you the second I said it.” 

“Oh, how you grabbed my shirt. Pulling me out of a fight. Sooooo romantic,” she giggled and then coughed as she choked on her smoke. 

“We’d make a badass couple,” I said. 

She nodded, “No doubt.” 

“Too gay for that, unfortunately.” 

“Too gay for that.” 

We both broke out laughing, till the click of the sprinklers stopped everything. I shrieked as the sudden spray of water came from all directions and jumped to my feet. Pansy was stumbling up too, grabbing our sweaters and running after me. 

As we hurried out, deciding what to grab for dinner, I told her all the ideas I had for coming out. One was telling the Slytherin in a group and letting the news spread from there. With that, I suggested telling the team. Pansy mentioned telling one person and letting the fire start from there. 

I brought up Theo’s name and she made a face at me. I pushed on saying how Theo loved his gossip and rumour-spreading more than anything around. Telling him would have the news around the school within an hour. 

Except doing so came with harsh consequences. This was Theodore fucking Nott we were talking about. If he had any kind of ammunition against us, he wouldn’t hesitate to use it. Plus this would mean he didn’t lose his bet. This would mean several people would probably profit off this. 

Before the plan was set into motion, Pansy warned me not to out her at any point. No matter how hairy it got. I reassured her, but she mentioned the confession and how I said that out of fear.

We were approaching the Slytherin Commons at its peak time, which was Saturday afternoon. Everyone was either hungover from Friday night or starting their studying. My hands were shaking and I kept wondering if it was too late to back out. 

Of course, there was no time limit, but I psyched myself out enough to just do it. I was channelling that energy I had the night at the club, performing with everything I could muster. How eventually the fears slipped away and I just did it. Maybe I’d feel just as good after coming out. Maybe the majority of people would be nice. That shred of hopefulness helped just a bit. 

Pansy linked her arm with mine, almost pulling me along. We walked up the steps of the Commons building and I thought I would choke from fear. It was hitting me and coming down harder than it did in the past hour. I clenched my jaw and did everything I could to just breathe. 

The Common room was filled with enough students to form some kind of audience. Out of familiar faces, there were a few classmates, but the key standouts were Blaise and Theo sitting in the corner. Blaise sat with his legs draped over Theo’s legs, reading something while Theo scrolled on his phone. 

“Do you think anyone would record it?” I whispered to Pansy. 

“I fucking hope not. Then your parents have a higher chance of finding out,” she answered. 

We stood by the entrance and Pansy gave me a reassuring arm squeeze before letting go and stepping back. I cleared my throat and when that didn’t work, Pansy did the same. Immediately heads turned up towards us. 

Cradling one hand in the other, I spoke up, “I have an announcement to make.”

My eyes went straight to Theo and Blaise. Blaise was looking a little concerned and Theo looked… not too good. His expression was negative, dropping the second I opened my mouth. I imagined this was because I cost him two grand. 

“Are you two dating now?” someone called out. 

“No,” I crossed my arms as my hands began to shake, “I’m actually making an announcement that doesn’t have to do with Pansy.” 

“So why is she here with you?” Theo hollered, “you scared to be alone? Scared someone will jump you?”

A few people around the room laughed.

“Yeah, I am. And what about it,” I raised my chin higher and watched Theo roll his eyes at me. 

“Just fucking tell us already!” another voice came from the crowd. 

My eyes locked in with Theo again. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to see his pure reaction to this. 

“Actually, I’m gay.”

Silence for the first few seconds, before the room exploded in chatter. It was becoming deafening as I heard a few positive cheers ring through. But nothing could peel me away from Theo’s face. His expression only darkened with my words, looking a little colder. Even Blaise cried out excitedly and was running towards me, but Theo just sat there glaring. As if something villainous was brewing in his head.   

The trance was broken when a few students circled me, a few hugged me and ruffled my hair. I was almost overwhelmed by all the kind words flying about. I wasn’t expecting this at all, instead thinking people would be throwing things at me about now. A fight to even break out and Pansy jumping to my rescue. 

Pansy stood by a few feet away, still eyeing the group closely. Not everyone was as supportive and I noticed a few people pulling out their phones with unamused faces. A few just left the room without a word and I didn’t blame them. I wasn’t meant to please everyone. 

Though the feeling deep inside was all worth it. It was fluttering and warm, a feeling of relief escaping me. The anxiety left my fingertips as I allowed people to congratulate me. Something about it felt too good to be true, but I didn't care. Right now, this moment mattered the most important. The smile on my face hurt a little as I couldn't stop and wasn’t used to this feeling.

Leaving the Commons was another ordeal because several people in the hall were already staring as we left. Pansy stood close by, watching for anyone who looked at me wrong. I felt so happy, I wondered if this was a dream. This sort of happiness didn't feel real at all. 

For something I feared for the longest time, from that tearful coming out on the roof with Pansy, it felt so easy now. And I could keep it at ease if I never spoke of it again unless Father found out. I couldn't imagine what I'd go through if he knew. Everything he built up for me would be destroyed with just a few words. It was something so simple that became so powerful. 

While I was in my blissful state of mind, Pansy took charge. 

She escorted me to my Industrial Relations lecture, reassuring me it was alright if she was a bit late for her chemistry class. The halls were filled with so much noise, I didn’t exactly know what to feel. Something between exhilaration and fear. Eyes were on us and I lost count of how many times I heard ‘came out’ and ‘gay’ as we walked. 

“If anyone starts anything in there, call me,” she grabbed my shoulders and faced me around. 

“Pans, you’ll be two buildings down,” I frowned, “I’ll be fine.” 

She sighed, “You know I’ll jump out a window for you. Let me know.” 

“Okay, please don’t do that. I’ll be alright,” I said. 

The look in her eyes was actual worry for me, “If you have to throw a punch at someone, don’t curl your thumb in. Thumb out, opposite shoulder out, and hit straight.”

I laughed, “Okay, mom, thanks.” 

She grabbed my face and kissed my forehead, before letting go and sprinting off into the crowd. I watched her tall figure disappear and turned into my lecture hall. The room was smaller than most, so the seats were almost like bleachers. Slanted upward on a steep angle. I took my spot near the front, watching students enter. Nearly everyone was on their phones and I wondered how many people knew. 

I imagined the supportive people were all in the Commons. Everyone else from here on out probably won’t be the same. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a group of Ravenclaw jocks enter, most of them were twice my size. I kept my head down, gripping my phone tight. The fact that Pansy was the only one I ever texted was depressing as ever, but I couldn’t even do that or she’d come running over. 

The group sat a few seats behind me and I could hear every single word. 

“Did y’all hear how Malfoy lied about dating Parkinson to cover his gay ass?” he was clearly saying it loud enough for me to hear. 

Don’t react. Don’t look like it bothers you.

“Always fucking knew he was gay. Can’t even play lacrosse properly. Prances around like a queer. Bet he did some favours for Marcus to get Captain too.” 

They all broke out in nasty laughter and I tried to focus on others entering the room. 

Don’t react. Don’t react. Don’t react.

My hands tightened around my phone, the back of my neck growing warmer. 

“Do you reckon Parkinson is gay too? Maybe she’s a guy even. No one that brutish can be a girl.”

Oh god, oh no. 

“Don’t even know why she hangs out with him. Why anyone likes Malfoy is beyond me. Just a weasel-faced faggot who plays like a girl.”

I stood up, not taking any more of it. Turned to them and said, “Why don’t you come down here and say it to my fucking face.” 

“Oh, didn’t even notice you down there,” one of the guys sneered. 

He got up and the whole group of four followed him back down the steps. I got out of my seat, crossing my arms. This could either end one of two ways. Very bloody or not. I had to choose my words wisely, but there was no way I was cowering away.

Standing right in front of me, the bigger guy glared me down with a look of disgust, “Gay men aren’t real men. You’re just a poor excuse for—” 

“Still a real man whether you like it or not,” I interrupted. 

“Real men don’t go falling for other guys. That just makes you a girl. Bet you don’t even have a dick. You got proof or what,” he snorted and the group behind him chuckled. 

“You want to see my dick?” I held back a laugh, “that’s kinda gay, bro.”

A fist flew towards my face and I ducked just in time. I could hear his hand make contact with something hard and he stumbled over. I managed to squeeze under his arm just before he could catch me. One of the guys managed to grab me and I twisted out of his grip. The bigger guy spun around and I prepared my fist. 

Just like Pansy told me, I threw a punch at him. It landed square into his chest and didn’t do anything. A sharp pain rippled through my hand and down my wrist. I didn’t understand what I did wrong. He glanced down at my hand and an ugly grin spread on his face. Punched me again and it landed straight on my left cheek. I tripped over, falling back. One of the guys caught me. 

The pain was blinding, sending shockwaves through my entire head. For a moment my vision blurred and the vision in my left eye turned dark red. 

The other guys held my arms back, so I began to kick my legs out as hard as I could. The strength wasn’t there anymore, instead, I felt weaker with every kick. The group’s laughs were fading away as a ringing started in my ears. Voices muffled all around as another punch was thrown straight into my stomach. 

Suddenly the cold floor was underneath me. Stabbing pain flashed through my body as I felt strong kicks to my sides. A hot flash of pain came over my head and I curled up deeper into a ball. It was becoming harder and harder to stay awake as I clung to myself. 

Everything faded to black as the pain grew till I couldn’t take it anymore. 

I felt something warm on my cheek next. The pain was gone, all that was left behind was an aching feeling all over. My head felt numb, eyes still refused to open up. I realized those were fingertips on my face, they moved up to my hair, gently brushing it back. The hand certainly didn’t feel like Pansy’s own. Hers were coarse, a little rough around the edges. These were soft and well taken care of. 

When the hand moved away, I felt myself fall back to sleep once more. 

Woke the second time to an orange glow filling the room. The sun outside was setting and I was in a bed. I glanced around noticing the medicine cabinet across from me and a small table. Sitting next to that table was… Theo? 

He was leaned back in the chair, arms crossed and dozing away. 

I began to sit up in my bed, feeling a sudden pain shooting up and down my limbs. My face felt numb and when I reached up to touch it, it was bandaged up and warm. Thankfully, I was able to see out of both eyes. 

Theo, though. Not who I expected to be sitting with me. From the way he was glaring at me during my coming out, I didn’t expect him to approach me for the next few months. 

I wondered where Pansy was and how she would react to Theo here. I knew she had debate club tonight and I would’ve been at one of my economics lectures, so maybe she really didn’t know. 

“Theo?” I hissed and reached out to poke him. 

He groaned and his eyes fluttered open. His expression was something new. No scowling, no frowning, no looking ready to snap something rude. It was just… normal. Almost a little relieved with softened eyes. 

“Shit, Draco,” he sat up straight, “are you okay? How are you feeling?” 

When he reached for my hand, I flinched and moved it away. Shifted my whole body away from him, staring at him like he was an alien. 

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m asking if you’re ok,” he furrowed his brows. 

I was confused, “No, this isn’t you. What, what is this? This isn’t you. You’re like a version of Theo stripped of all his— I honestly can’t describe it.”

He scooted his chair forward, closer to my bed. The movement only made me more nervous. Not only was I injured, but I didn’t know where I was. Escaping didn’t seem like an option and Pansy was nowhere in sight. It was undeniable that Theo wasn’t okay with my coming out earlier. He was never really okay with Pansy and me since we left the group. 

Especially with all his gruesome bullying last year. He broke my arm from a physical fight and when someone tried to intervene he nearly broke my rib too. Not to mention his taunting and toxic gossiping and spreading of rumours about Pansy and me. Just remembering how he acted towards us in the Commons during that first week. 

That was the Theodore Nott I knew. Whoever this was, wasn’t him. This was a ploy to get me to do something. It had to be. For someone who lost two grand betting on me, he definitely planned something else. Being nice was probably a plan to get me to open up and spill something scandalous. 

“Draco,” he leaned forward, “this is the real me. The version of me out there is just what I do so people don’t pick on me.”

“No,” I gripped my blanket tight, “I’m not falling for this. Not falling for your whole nice act. You’re a big fucking bully. Who aside from Pansy would even bully you? You’re a fucking leech, Theo. So get the fuck out.” 

He sighed and watched me back myself into the wall next to the bed. 

“I’m here to apologize for all that,” he stood up, holding his arms up in defeat. 

I watched him push the chair away and kneel next to the bed. No, this wasn’t him. The real him was the one I overheard in his conversation with Blaise. How he was afraid of getting hunted for the Hit List. How he was ready to destroy Pansy. 

This had to be that. Being nice to me, apologizing to me, just for Pansy to erase him from her list of names. I remembered him mentioning how he would beat me down as well and blame it on someone else. Aggressive and brash Theo was the real Theo. This right here was some of the fakest shit I’d ever seen. It was causing my blood to boil. If it came down to it, I was more than ready to punch him. 

He pressed his hands together and bent down, actually apologizing to me. When he came back up, he looked at me to say something. 

“Apology not accepted,” I said. 

“Okay, what will it take for us to become friends.” 

I clenched the blanket tighter, “Find a way to undo all the stuff you put me through? Go back in time and give me back my reputation in lacrosse. I was ruined last year because of you. Becoming Captain has made me a laughing stock. Most of them still don’t respect me and then you’re there laughing your ass off along with them.” 

I watched him sit on the edge of the bed. He took a deep breath and placed his hand near mine. Curious, I didn’t move it away. 

“I can’t fix any of that, but from this moment on I could try my best. Also, I have something to tell you that only Blaise knows,” his hand moved closer to mine, our fingertips touching. 

The small touch made me want to run. I was trapped now for sure. 

I stared into his eyes, “What is it?”

“I’m gay too.” 

Did I hear that right? 

“No, you’re not,” I said, trying to keep my cool. 

On the inside, I was fuming. The fact that I was able to keep it together was a goddamn miracle. 

He didn’t look amused, “I am. Are you denying I live my truth?” 

“With all the messed up homophobic shit you said to multiple people, hurting people for you know, ‘living their truths’. How deep in denial do you have to be to treat anyone like that? And don’t even try blaming this on your home life or abusive parents. I’ve gone through hell and back and still know not to treat others like that,” my voice was shaking with anger. 

Theo didn’t say anything. He watched me closely, his expression growing a little concerned. I could tell he was thinking hard about something. Whether it was changing up whatever master plan he had or thinking of what to say next, I didn’t know. 

He should know by now that I wasn’t as dense. I’d have to be real stupid to not see through his bs. 

“Draco.” 

“Theo, you better swear on your family name that you aren’t lying.”

His eyes never once flitted away. Stayed right on me and I wondered if this was some kind of tactic to frazzle my nerves. Something about his brown eyes felt unsettling. I couldn’t place my finger on it, but it was in the feeling. Fox eyes, with a little mischievous twinkle to them, that never changed whether he was lying or not. I was about to walk straight into his trap if I didn’t think this through. 

“I swear on the Nott name, on my father’s business, on my school reputation, whatever you want. Name it. I’m not lying, Draco,” he whispered. His voice was velvety, reaching deeper into my ear. 

“How would I even know you mean it? Wait till your father’s business crumbles?” 

Looking a little agitated, he sighed, “I swear. I’m gay. Do you want proof?”

I gulped, my eyes shifting down to his lips and regretting that. Oh, god, what was I doing? 

“What kind of proof?” 

His eyes moved down to my lips too and back to my eyes. This was another one of his tricks. I wasn’t thinking about… I really wasn’t. No way. 

“DRACO!”

Pansy’s voice rang loud and clear somewhere in the building and I watched Theo quickly get up. 

“Oh, suddenly fleeing the scene?” I raised a brow. 

“Draco, I don’t have a death wish. She will murder me,” he gave me a weak smile and I watched him rush to the window and pull it open. 

Began to crawl out and I stretched my neck to see what floor we were on. It looked like the second floor, but there was an emergency ladder on the side of the building. When Pansy called out again, I answered and watched Theo disappear outside. 

Loud footsteps grew closer and I watched Pansy nearly throw herself into my doorway. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” she rushed to my bedside, grabbing my face and eyeing my bandages, “Draco, I’m so—”

I reached up and gently took her wrists, lowering her hands, “It’s okay. Please don’t blame yourself for this. I tried my best and actually punched a guy, so be proud over that.” 

I gave her a big smile as her eyes welled up with tears. Did I look that horrible? She quickly wiped her eyes and fell back into the bedside chair. With a small laugh she looked at me and I could tell she was trying to mask her tears. However, when she glanced at my face again I could see the pain in her expression. 

“Okay, then go on,” she crossed one leg over the other, “tell me everything.”

Chapter Text

I sometimes forgot how I was supposed to be at Father's beck and call at any point. Getting wrapped up in school, the drama, and the new sense of freedom made me think less and less of home life.  Though I wasn’t sure what was better: getting beat up at school or home. At this point, wherever I went I could be attacked. It scared me more and at times I wondered if I should never have come out. 

For some reason, I couldn’t tell Pansy who the Ravenclaw guys were. I pretended I didn’t know and just described them as huge jocks. I didn’t want her running off to beat up yet another bully of mine. Something about it made me feel weaker. 

Yet someone else from that lecture hall told her and she went in bare-handed and furious. I refused to witness the scene, but she came back to me with bloody knuckles and a sweaty grinning face. Held up one of their jerseys, which she tore up and clipped a piece of it onto her skirt. 

A few days after that incident, I got a call from Father. The second the phone rang, my heart rate shot up and I answered in a meek voice. I felt my hands grow clammy as I was told Pansy and I were to attend dinner at the Manor tomorrow. 

Dinner didn’t just mean a pleasant chat about school. Nor would it be a quiet meal with our families. There would be a victim at that table, who wouldn’t make it out of that house alive. If we were lucky, hopefully, it was just one victim and not three like the last time. The drawing room after that much blood and decay became a repulsive smelling place that took a week to wash out. 

My biggest fear was the visible bruises and cuts on my face. It took Pansy a whole hour with the one colour of foundation she owned to patch things up somehow. The mark above my left brow was far too deep, from when I was kicked on the floor, and we decided to keep it. An excuse for that would be easier. 

A car was to come pick us up as we waited at the school gates. Outfits and all would be prepped for us to wear inside the car too. However, they expected us to do that. As we stood waiting, Pansy cursed at forgetting something and told me to stay put. I crossed my arms as I waited, to appear as confident and tall as possible. I hoped in these few minutes, no one would dare jump me. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Potter walking toward the gates into campus. Seeing him caused a negative something to stir within me. That crush from before turned into pure annoyance and a fit of unhealthy jealousy I didn’t want to keep around. 

He was wearing a tank top and tiny gym shorts and I bit the inside of my mouth to keep it together. Yes, I hated him. Yes, looking at him made me want to punch a wall. But I couldn’t help it. How did he manage to get a body like that? Was it really all lacrosse and the gym? Why did he have to wear that today too? My eyes wandered towards his abs peeping under the tank top as he walked. 

When he noticed me, he gave me a small wave. I felt the scowl grow on my face and rolled my eyes in his direction. Embarrassed, he ducked his head and hurried on. Whatever. I didn’t have time to fantasize about Potter and his stupid perfect muscles. 

I tapped my foot impatiently, hoping Pansy would show up before the car. 

“Yo, Draco!” 

The hair on my neck stood up. Oh, please not now.

I turned my head to see Theo waving at me with a huge smile. He wore his lacrosse jersey, hair pushed back with a sports band. That smile was suspicious as hell. I couldn’t tell if he was being genuine or just good at faking it. 

“Theo, leave. I don’t have time to talk to you,” I called out. 

He came up to me, “You’re just standing around. Who you waiting for?”

“Who do you think, Theo? I suggest you leave now before you regret it,” I said. 

Normally, Theo would say something in defense of that. Maybe even shit-talking Pansy and how he wasn’t afraid of her. Hell, he wouldn’t be approaching me to just talk. It would be him passing by and making some nasty one-liner and cackling as he walked away. 

I knew this asshole long enough to know this wasn’t him. No way.

“When I see her, I’ll run,” he nodded, “awww you’re concerned for me?”

I glared at him.

“Ok, ok!” he nudged me playfully, “quit the long-face. I’m just—”

“Theo, just get to the point.”

He squinted at me, “How do you know I’m not just passing by to chitchat?”

“Because. Because I know you never just pass by and you’re usually only nice to others if you want something. You don’t care about me nor are you gay. I still want proof,” I sighed. 

“I mean, I am here for a reason,” his face got a little serious, “I’m here to ask you out.”

I stared at him. Did I hear that right? He wasn’t serious, right? 

“Like on a date?”

“Yes.”

Looking at his face, there was no malice and no shit-eating grin. There seemed to be no alternative motives to this, yet. But there was no way I was going out with my bully. No matter how nice or actually gay he was. 

“Sorry, but no,” I shook my head.

Theo’s expression was interesting. I could see pieces of his old self pushing on through, and yet he fought to keep his composure. ‘Normal’ Theo would throw a nasty tantrum in the face of rejection or at losing anything. I’ve seen him after a lacrosse loss, it wasn’t pretty.

“That’s cool!” he threw his hands up. 

I narrowed my eyes at him, “Theo, are you on drugs? I’m being serious.”

He shook his head. 

“I’m not stupid, okay? You haven’t been this nice to me since the first year,” I walked closer to him, “I know this is another one of your schemes with Blaise and Daphne.” 

“They have no idea,” he crossed his arms. 

I found that very hard to believe. Blaise and Theo were practically glued at the hip, telling each other anything happening in a kilometer radius. They took turns sniffing out the hottest gossip and then Theo would spread it like wildfire. This was most likely him trying to get some kind of information out of me. 

“Whatever, Theo. Pansy’s on her way, so please leave.” 

Pansy was now walking toward us and when she shouted something in our direction, Theo sprinted for the bushes surrounding the school gates. 

She asked me what Theo wanted and I lied saying he was asking about lacrosse. What would her reaction be knowing Theo asked me out? She’d advise against it but probably question Theo later. 

The car soon arrived and we both climbed in to be greeted by Pansy’s maid. She looked us up and down with a judgemental glare. Pansy’s face turned red. She was very clearly not wearing the clothes her mother instructed her to wear, instead sporting her usual short plaid skirt and ripped tights. The varsity jacket was the blood-stained one and the maid made a face at that.

My own clothes weren’t the greatest either. I didn’t think twice about my outfit that morning, instead sporting mint shorts and a black sleeveless turtleneck tucked into the shorts. I borrowed Pansy’s shoes constantly since all I brought were the gross loafers Father bought. So, here I was wearing her ankle combat boots. 

Both my parents would probably have a stroke seeing me like this. It was the first time wearing shorts like these ever—a bold move pushed on by Pansy. Theo would’ve for sure said something on them if he wasn’t acting like he had a stick up his ass. 

“Ok, loves, please put your outfits on and I’ll keep your old clothes for safekeeping,” the maid handed us what looked like dry cleaner bags. 

“Wait, you expect both of us to change here in front of each other?” Pansy piped up and unzipped her bag with wide eyes. 

“Not the most ideal arrangement, Missus, but yes,” the maid nodded. 

I unrolled my window and spotted a gas station coming up. It was a horrendous idea and I imagined the diseases there, but the station bathroom would be alright for a few minutes. 

“Hey, driver, pull into the gas station!” I called towards the front and the maid huffed. 

“Sir Malfoy! Do you want to change in peasant filth? I could tell your Father about this!” 

I glanced back at her, “And I could tell him you wanted us to change in a moving car without barriers.”

We both climbed out of the car and hurried into the bathrooms. The stench was the worst thing I’d ever smelt and I was nearly gagging the entire time. I stepped out wearing a whole dark red three-piece suit with a black tie. There was a little pouch in the bag with a photo of me with my hair pushed back from a previous dinner and a small jar of hair gel. The specific look was a little strange since I usually wore black suits to stand out less. 

This suit was outlined with gold thread and my shoes had a gold trim to them too. The last piece was a pair of taut black leather gloves. They stopped just after my wrists, so I tucked them into my sleeves. It was even stranger. As if I would be…

A frightening thought came to mind. Black leather gloves, a suit the colour of darker blood, and hair pushed out of the way. Would I be handling bodies tonight? I wouldn’t have to murder anyone, right? Would Father trust me with something like that? 

I stepped out of the bathroom and Pansy did the same. She wore a long-sleeved dress that even grew up her neck to her jawline. And it was the same deep crimson colour as my suit. She wore the same black gloves on her hands too. There was absolutely no skin showing for either of us below the chin. 

“Awww, look at us! Twins!” she hooked her arm with mine and dragged me into the gas station convenience store. I didn’t even protest, still processing my sudden realization. 

She tried to coax me into picking something out, but I was already feeling sick to my stomach. This had to be the only explanation for these outfits. The gloves were definitely for some kind of illegal activity, something to keep our fingertips out of. 

Watching Pansy under the fluorescent station lights in full dinner attire got me more paranoid. How was she involved in any of this? Did her parents find out about her school fights and violent nature? Were they going to use that against her? My head spun and I leaned against a chip shelf. As I watched Pansy snatch up a pack of red Twizzlers, she dragged me to the register. 

I looked around the store, anything to distract me from my upcoming nausea. My eyes surveyed the magazine stand as a distraction and I spotted… Potter? 

He was posing on a college sports magazine, shirtless with his lacrosse pants on. Right below said the words KING OF COLLEGE LACROSSE and I rolled my eyes hard. 

But I was distracted enough. 

Calvin's were peeping over the top of his pants and my face turned beet red. Stupid, perfect Potter. I grabbed the issue and stared at it, feeling my heart pump faster and faster. My hand brushed over his oiled-up abs and I hugged the magazine to my chest in embarrassment. No, no, no, was I feeling something I wasn’t supposed to? 

Pansy snatched the magazine from my hands. I was expecting her to make a joke, but she just grinned with a nice and threw the issue along with her Twizzlers at the cashier. I rolled the magazine up and tucked it under my armpit as we hurried back to the car. 

The ride to the Manor was a long one and we both seemed too nervous to talk. Plus there was not much we could say in front of the maid, who was staring right at us the entire time. Pansy did her makeup and hair, while I flipped through the magazine looking for Potter’s pages. 

There they were in the center. The text I could always read later, but what left me nearly breathless was his photoshoot. I knew Gryffindor won plenty of games, national ones too, but I didn’t know our school did things like this. Potter was shirtless in all of them, all but one where he was playfully tugging at his lacrosse jersey with a huge grin. In others he posed on the floor, leaning against the wall and in another draped across a lacrosse net with a smouldering look across his face. 

When I continued to the next page, there was Potter in a white t-shirt completely soaked. Someone out of shot was hosing him down in the next one and he was laughing and trying to take his shirt off. I was sure no one paid attention to the article with pictures like these. 

My heart was beating away and I covered my face with one hand, feeling the heat radiating from it. My mind wandered to that time I was underneath him. Though the moment was stressful and I was freaking out, I remembered how his face looked. If that happened again, I think I would explode, losing all sense of control over my divided emotions. It was weird to me how a part of me wanted to rush into my negative feelings and scare him off. But another side of me grew aroused from the mere sight of him. 

What the hell was wrong with me?

I flipped to the first page of the photoshoot where he was in his jersey and tore it out of the magazine. The other side was one of his shirtless pics. I folded the page up and tucked it into the inner pocket of my suit jacket. 

Pansy eyed me from where she was applying red lipstick, “You good?” 

“Yeah.” 

Out of the tinted windows I watched as the landscape became all trees. We’d reached the Forbidden Forest, home sweet home. The sun was peeking from between the trees, shifting lower and lower as it set. I rolled down the car window just an inch to allow the brisk forest air to come inside. A nice breeze before we spent the night in stuffiness. 

As soon as the car stopped for the Manor gates, I rolled it back up and noticed how my heart rate increased. Like an automated response to coming home. Though this wasn’t home. Home was back at school. With Pansy. With the lacrosse team. 

But not here. This dreary and house of hollowed out emotion. There was no warmth here, no cheery family affections, no pleasant greetings. Students who came home to open arms and bright smiles, I couldn’t understand them. Those happy families I would see on campus, hugging and kissing their kids almost made me sick. It felt unnatural and wrong. Parents who truly loved their kids without a catch was the strangest concept to me. Pansy and I were completely alien to the idea.

Tonight’s dinner would be spent in an ordered silence and corrected posture. Eating while all eyes were on us. Maybe a few questions about school and my campus status. I hoped the news of my coming out didn’t reach Father yet. 

Sitting down at the long dining room table was too much to handle. Panic sprouted and flourished within my chest, spreading to my limbs and my knee began to bounce up and down. Hands took on a slight tremble, but the black gloves helped to mask it. I kept a straight face, biting down on my tongue to keep my breathing steady. The table cloth was a harsh red colour, much different than the usual white. A bouquet of white and red roses sat at the centerpiece, probably from Mother’s rose garden. 

Ever so often I’d hear something dripping and would glance around the room for the source. The only difference in the room was the table cloth seemed to grow darker, but I assumed the dimming lights had something to do with it. It was a strange illusion. 

Pansy sat directly across from me, chin up high and staring at something behind me. She was completely frozen, hands folded on her lap and keeping a strict posture. It felt bizarre seeing her hair put away into a neat bun, her forehead suddenly visible and the most natural makeup on her face. 

The doors soon opened and we both straightened up even more. I felt an ache in my lower back and neck as I strained it higher. I didn’t even have to turn my head to know who entered the room. Mother was strutting her way to the front followed by Ms. Parkinson. The two split and Mother came to sit next to me and Ms. Parkinson next to Pansy. I watched a firm hand grip Pansy’s shoulder as her mother leaned in to whisper something. The colour was draining from Pansy’s face as she slowly nodded. 

Mother didn’t tell me anything, didn’t even acknowledge my presence. The doors opened again and two people I didn’t recognize waltzed in. Were both of them the sacrifices for the evening or was Father only choosing one? The slender woman was draped in furs and far too much bright makeup. She almost looked like a theater puppet. 

The man was stout and breathing heavily as he waddled over to sit next to the woman. He pulled out a handkerchief to wipe the sweat pooling on his forehead and I grimaced as he wiped it clean against the tablecloth. Before the click of the closing door, another man walked in. I almost lost my composure when I saw him. It was a spitting image of Theo. Was this his father? 

Pansy’s eyes moved to glance at him as well and she genuinely looked terrified. 

The servants rolled out, silent as ever, bringing out plates of the appetizers. I flinched as one appeared next to me, placing a few dishes around me. Polite chatter began between the adults, but I could barely hear any of it. Until Father came in, I wouldn’t be able to relax. Because at least he’d be in my view. 

Though as the dinner progressed, going through the first course and the second, he didn’t show. All I could focus on was the strange dripping from earlier on. It was getting louder and louder and I was surprised no one was questioning it. 

Before we started on the third course, the doors flew open and we all turned to look. Father stood there out of breath, the front of his white suit jacket stained heavily in blood. He quickly took it off and dropped it into a servant’s hands. Marched right towards his seat at the front, passing mine and tapping on the back. 

When he sat down the guests began to ask whatever happened, while Mother smiled a little and continued eating. 

“Was hunting pheasants,” he gave a smile to them, “something for tomorrow’s lunch.” 

Even I knew pheasants were best caught in November or December and in the early morning. Not when the woods were plunged into darkness. It was good to remember all those hunting tips. 

“What have you been discussing?” Father picked up his wine glass to calm his breathing. 

“Well, now that you’re here,” Mr. Parksinson said, “I wanted to ask about the kids.” 

“And how are the kids?” Father's eyes travelled over to me. That cold dead stare was always just as terrifying as the previous one. 

“Doing good,” I piped up, “classes are good, grades are good, lacrosse is good.” 

“Excellent,” Father looked away. 

“Oh, c’mon Lucius wouldn’t you want to know if they you know,” Ms. Parkinson giggled a little. It was obvious she was already a little drunk. 

Father inhaled deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’m assuming they aren’t doing anything stupid like that. Especially knowing the harsh consequences if they are.” 

“It wouldn’t be so bad,” Mr. Parkinson spoke up, “the bond of both our families would be a terrific business deal, and I think the children would turn out magnificent.” 

Pansy nearly choked on her water and muttered a quick apology. I tried hard to keep it together and promised we’d laugh about it later. 

I could sense the tension crackling in the room. The guests looked to be enjoying the sudden drama, sipping their wine as the discussion flowed. 

“Our kids aren’t dating. If they were, we’d know about it. In addition, I think Pansy is trying to catch the attention of someone else,” Father said and everyone, including Pansy, looked a little confused. 

“Did you hear something scandalous?” Ms. Parkinson whispered loud. 

“More like it took a little rummaging in the car they arrived in,” Father snapped his fingers and I watched in horror as my college sports magazine appeared in a servant’s hands. It was handed to Father, who held it up. 

Everything was coming down at this very moment. My nausea from earlier, the usual panic—including the gay panic, and the intense sweating. 

Everyone gasped and the Parkinsons grabbed the magazine from Father. Pansy was sitting there with an awkward smile on her face, her eyes sending me an I’ll fucking murder you later look and I tried my best to give her my apologetic eyes. 

Potter’s name circled the table and her parents were gushing over Pansy having a crush on such a handsome face. I could almost imagine how tightly she was clenching her fists under the table. 

Father cleared his throat, “I even invited Dr. Nott tonight to tell us a little more about the things going on on campus. His son, Theodore, seems to tell him a lot.” 

Hey, Dr. Nott did you know your son was gay and asked me out? Do you even know half the shit your son does at school?

“He briefly mentioned Potter and Pansy having a small quarrel and that Draco interjected,” Dr. Nott said. 

“Draco?” Father watched me.

“Well,” I shifted in my seat, “I came into the situation a little late and they were discussing something heated.” 

I noticed during this entire time Mother was rather quiet. She finally cleared her throat. 

"I see no problems with who Pansy courts. Draco or Harry. Or if Draco sees something in Pansy too. I think it's better than the worst case scenario,” she tapped her fingers along the table. 

"Which is?" Father asked. 

"Pansy and Draco being gay.”

The laughter around the table was awful to listen to. The worst case scenario. It made my stomach churn. 

"Well, we've actually been on top of such matters,” Ms. Parksinson said, “certain drugs and punishments have been used on Pansy several times and she knows the consequences if things get out of hand.” 

I remembered that night she escaped to my bedroom, completely shattered. Crying and unable to tell me what happened. Pansy didn’t tell me how many times this happened, but that wasn’t the first time she appeared in my room at night. 

“Thankful Draco won’t ever need something like that,” Mother chuckled, “he’s never shown any symptoms.” 

Oh, how I wanted to stand up and shout. Would standing up for myself land me basement time? Would they drug me for speaking up? 

“There was a rumour spread on campus that a Slytherin came out as gay too,” Dr. Nott said and a gasp passed around the room. 

I dug my hands into my pants. Letting my nails pierce down to my skin till it hurt. 

“Draco?” Father raised a brow at me. 

“No one I know,” I bit the inside of my cheek.

His stare never left me, squinting a little as his eyes bore harder into me. I wished he would look away since this was only making me lose breath. I thought my lungs would go dry from all the stress. 

Dr. Nott tapped his hand on the table, “I could ask Theodore more about it?” 

“Please do,” Father said, still watching me. 

It suddenly dawned on me that by rejecting Theo, he could turn on me hard and spill everything to his father. He could twist his whole confession and everything into something vile and enough to harm me. Maybe he knew I’d reject him, he knew I wouldn't buy it, and that was all part of the plan. 

Especially knowing he tells his father things that happen on campus. 

We continued with dinner, the conversation changing over and over. I just sat with my food, swallowing the words and opinions as I ate. The silence was what I was used to. 

Pansy’s mother kept leaning to whisper something to her, which caused Pansy to flinch harder each time. She couldn’t even make eye contact with me, her face was down in her food. For a second it looked like she was crying, tears falling into her food. 

When Father stood to announce the departure to the drawing room, where the sacrifices and bloodshed would commence, a shrill scream rang through the house. 

Everyone froze from where they were standing up. 

Hearing that scream caused goosebumps to prickle over my skin. It was the most chilling sound I’d ever heard. 

Another scream, this time a desperate one, came out. It was almost a cry for help. 

Father stood up and commanded the servants to lock the doors of the dining room. 

The Parkinson parents didn’t look bothered by any of this, while the new guests and Dr. Nott were looking concerned. Dr. Nott looked like he was ready to say something, clasping his hands together nervously. The two other guests sat back down, glancing over at Father for an answer. 

He snapped his fingers at a servant and whispered something hurriedly to them. Another set appeared around Dr. Nott and the guests. 

“Apologies, but we will have to send you all home due to a little situation,” Father said, “your cars are ready outside.” 

“Excuse me, Mr. Malf—” Dr. Nott protested against the servants gently nudging him towards the door. 

“We will discuss this over the phone later,” Father sighed and Dr. Nott nodded. 

I tried to catch Pansy’s eyes, but she avoided mine. Instead looked scared and kept glancing towards the door. 

As soon as they all left, Father rushed to the phone on the fireplace behind his chair. 

“Artem, the subject we buried earlier seems to be alive and roaming the halls.”

This never happened. The ones buried in the garden stayed dead. It wasn’t like Father to perform a lousy job. It was probably a rush job due to the dinner. Something about the thought made me feel some relief. Though not for the poor victim.

He handed the phone over to Mother, who took it up and whispered a few words into the receiver before hanging up. 

“Well, this works out quite nicely actually,” Mother said and whispered something to Father before he glanced over at me. 

What the fuck was about to happen?

“The original plan for tonight was for Draco and Pansy to deal with our two guests the usual way,” Father watched me squirm, “but since this has happened, we’d like you two to hunt her down. Kill her as cleanly as possible and report back to Artem. If you don’t, you both will face the consequences. Tonight was to be your rite of passage into adulthood.” 

I held onto the side of the table, feeling queasy and sick. If I wasn’t able to throw up earlier, it was sure as hell going to happen now. Pansy finally looked straight into my eyes and it looked like a plan was brewing in her mind. There was no way we were going through with this. 

Servants rushed into the room again and this time with the ancient Malfoy family rifles. The number of people slain with these was disturbing. Without another word, we were pushed out of the dining room. Just as soon we stepped into the dimly-lit hallway, another shriek echoed through the Manor. 

A shriek rattled with sobs, something about it reminded me of my own tears when I knelt before Father. How I’d been that caged, wounded animal running these halls before. With every exit sealed shut, you start to panic and with that came more screams. 

As if on command another one filled the house. 

“Okay, so we aren’t really doing this, right?” Pansy whispered to me. 

“No, of course not, we aren’t our parents.”

“We aren’t our parents,” she breathed in hard, “you’re very right.” 

I pulled her away from the dining room door and further into the mansion, “I say we find her, set her free and tell Artem we buried her.” 

“Oh, fuck I forgot about that asshat,” Pansy rolled her eyes. 

This time the woman started shouting for help, louder and louder each time. We followed her voice through the east wing of the mansion, listening for any sign of her. 

“She could be armed for self-defense so approach with caution,” I whispered to Pansy. 

She snorted, “Draco, you do realize who you’re talking to.”

The further we moved on through, the darker it became. I always hated how we kept the house completely in the dark during the night, not a single light anywhere. It wasn’t that we couldn’t afford the electricity bill, more like Father didn't want the mansion to be visible at night. But it was becoming harder to see and this woman could attack us blind. 

“I have a lighter, but there’s only enough fuel for one more light,” Pansy rummaged through her purse. 

I nudged her, “What else do you have in there?”

“Well, my lighter and one cigarette. And my Twizzlers.”

I would say I was surprised, but I really wasn’t. 

Chapter Text

It seemed that the woman was far deeper in the mansion than imagined. Her voice was fading into the confusing hallways and she was only digging her grave deeper. There was no way out from where she was heading. 

The windows were all sealed shut and any doors leading outside were fake ones. I learned this through my childhood spent trapped in this house. With nothing to do all you can do is explore. 

We moved stealthily down the halls, our shadows growing longer as the moonlight peeped into the house. I listened for any movement, holding the rifle tight in my hands. Didn’t plan on using it, but the most I’d do is hit her with the end of it. If it came down to that. 

“Draco, look!” Pansy grabbed my shoulder, pointing to the left. 

One of the mansion's empty ballrooms was to our left. It was flushed in pale moonlight with a slender woman’s figure sort of swaying along through. Her back was turned to us, so we took the chance to creep into the room. There was no escaping out of the room, at least none the woman would be able to figure out. 

I stepped forward, feeling my hands start to sweat. It had to be the tension growing around us and how I’d never hunted another person before. When my foot creaked on the floor, Pansy winced behind me and the woman turned in our direction. She held her hands out, visibly shaking. 

“Is someone there?” she asked, walking in our direction. 

“Yes,” I replied, “we’re here to save you.”

She came a little closer, hugging herself. I immediately noticed that she was completely naked and covered in dirt. Buried alive naked in a rose garden. I didn’t even have the thoughts to process what that must’ve felt like. 

“Wait, no no no,” she began to back away, “you look like a Malfoy. And you’re holding guns! No no no” 

Pansy tried to approach her, but the woman only screamed again. She clutched her hair and tried to back away. 

“We want to help you! Actually!” Pansy said a little louder and dropped her rifle to the ground. 

The woman watched us, her chest heaving as she struggled to breathe. Hands clawed at her own face as she screamed out again, clearly the panic inside of her was taking over.

I slung my rifle to my back, raising my hands, “Please trust us.”

The woman came forward again, almost whimpering like a wounded animal. Just as soon as she was in hands-reach, Pansy grabbed her by the wrist. In a swift motion, she grabbed my rifle and swung it forward, snapping my strap. 

“Hold her!” she shouted to me and the woman screamed again. 

I rushed forward and grabbed the woman’s wrists. Before she could kick me or anything of the sort, Pansy swung the rifle at the woman’s head. What looked like a hard blow, landed pretty softly in the center of her forehead with a sound impact. Pansy threw the rifle to the ground and rushed to catch the woman from behind. 

“You could’ve told me the plan!” I hissed, letting go of the woman’s wrists. 

Pansy hoisted her up into her arms, slinging her over her own shoulder. 

“If I told you, you’d be overthinking and questioning everything,” she smirked, “plus I know good weak spots for knocking others unconscious.” 

“Definitely not something normal to know,” I frowned, following Pansy out of the ballroom. 

“What part of our lives is normal?” 

I nodded, “Fair point. None of this is. ” 

“That includes growing up learning how to kill or thinking that being drugged is the norm,” she said, “I had to say it.”

“Other kids just live,” I whispered, my own words leaving a stain on my mind. 

“Whenever we get to just live, I’m never turning back. Don’t care about my family or the money. As long as you make it out too and we’re both safe, I’m good,” she adjusted the woman’s position. 

“Do you think we'll stay friends for that long?" I asked. The words brought in this selfish need to be able to keep Pansy next to me forever, but I knew I couldn't force anyone to stay. Just as our parents shouldn’t be able to.

“You’d have to do something real bad for me to leave,” Pansy laughed.

I wondered what would be the dealbreaker for her. Theo’s stupid face flashed in my mind and I wondered what her reaction would be if I had said yes. If I became Theo’s boyfriend. God, how the thought made me wanna run further away. 

We carried the woman through the house, with the fear of getting caught. What exactly were the consequences for not murdering a person? I could never wrap my mind around the concept, or what Father did for a living. All I wanted in this life was to finish school and live a peaceful life. 

It wasn't the best time to be rethinking my whole life, but hearing the woman’s soft breathing, her life in our hands, was a little frightening. Her fate was up to us and how we chose to deal with it. As we hurried down the halls, I led the way through the confusing passageways. With Pansy holding the woman tight we managed to briskly jog towards the basement opening. 

Plunging into complete blind darkness was unnerving as always. I moved slowly with one arm outstretched in front of me and the other behind so Pansy wouldn’t move too quick. No matter how many times I went down, I was never sure if I would reach the doorknob. The unpredictable nature of the basement was unsettling as always and my greatest fear was brushing against a corpse or something of that sort. 

I didn’t stop and observe the hallway leading up to Artem, though there was something different about it. A sweet vanilla scent hung in the air, almost intoxicating. It was pungent with a hint of smokiness to it, almost sickening and overbearing. Even Pansy commented on it as we rushed into Artem’s corner of the basement. 

“Well, well, well,” he elegantly held up a thin long pipe in one hand, “I wasn’t expecting you to come so soon. And with the subject very much alive.”

“Please help us,” I stepped forward and watched him cross one leg over the other. He wasn’t behind his bar tonight, instead sitting at one of the stools around it. He wore a red mask and his whole outfit seemed to match exactly what Pansy and I wore. The theme of blood red and black carried on through. 

“Why should I?” he raised a brow. 

I gestured towards the woman, "Because you don’t want an innocent person dead.”

His lip curled in disgust, “How do you even know if that woman is innocent? For all you know she was a serial killer. Maybe she was a bank robber.” 

“The criminals here are you and Father,” I stepped closer, clenching my fists at my sides. 

Artem rolled his eyes, “You and your booooring accusations. I could summon Lucius with one click of a button and end it all for you right now. Maybe he’ll even let me use my new carving knife on you.” 

“You could hurt me all you want, but you know Father won’t let me die,” I said.

“Oh, you want to play games, Draco? Because we can—”

“I swear to god,” Pansy groaned loud, “Draco get to the fucking point we don’t have all day.”

I watched her carefully lay the woman on the floor and I hurried over to drape my suit jacket over the body. 

“If you want me to help and let her go without telling Lucius, I have a price,” Artem watched us closely. 

“Yeah?” I asked, already knowing the answer. 

“You give me a secret worth this woman’s life. Knowing I’ll tell Lucius, I can stall it for a few months before letting him know.”

I knew it. Secrets worked as currency for this family since they had the power to destroy lives. And I knew lying about Pansy and me dating wouldn’t be strong enough. Especially since everyone was already speculating about it. 

There were two options here. Even a possible third one. I could either out myself or Theo. However, it probably wouldn’t be smart throwing Theo under the bus. Unless his whole plan was to do the same to me. 

My other choice was to share my nightclub drag moment before the start of school. But if comparing the two, the drag one would probably get me in greater danger and with far more assumptions from my parents. Did this mean I’d have to come out? 

I felt strangely calm about that option.

“Okay, I have something,” I cleared my throat. 

“Shoot,” Artem grinned. 

I glanced back at Pansy. She looked like she was in go-mode. Not quite sitting, not quite standing. In a position to pounce on Artem if needed, but also to make a run for it. She exchanged a quick glance with me, though something about her face made me wonder if this was a good idea. I was about to turn myself in. What if she got pulled into it too?

“I’m gay,” I said, my voice breaking halfway. 

“Draco!” Pansy cried out.

I turned to her, feeling my body freeze over in the moment. This was irreversible. It was done.

“Are you out of your mind? Do you realize what you’re doing?” she was on her feet, approaching me. 

“Better now than later on,” I reached for her hand to squeeze tight, “eventually I'll have to face the consequences for this so I'll get it over with in a few months. At least this woman will live.”

I watched Artem shake his head with a smile growing. He looked so pleased with himself like he’d just won the lottery. He took a long puff of his pipe, eyeing us closely.

"I can't wait to see how much you'll regret saving this woman's life over a secret this personal,” he sneered. 

“But she’s saved, right?” I asked.

He stared at me, his grin getting creepier the longer it sat on his lips. Something about him reminded me of cats who like to play with their food before taking a bite. Prolong the prey’s suffering as much as possible.

“Is she saved, you fucking asshole?” Pansy snapped. 

Artem hopped off his seat, “Oh, she is. But Draco just dug his own grave. I’ll be sure to make your funeral dazzling.”

“You’ll still keep it off for a few months too?” I asked.

“Yup! I’ll be sure to tell Lucius eventually,” he walked past us and to the woman, “except a few months could be two months or six. At some point expect all hell to break loose.”

Breathe in and breathe out.

Was this wrong? 

Breathe in and breathe out.

Was this woman worth the price of my own life? 

Breathe in and breathe out.

Was this really worth destroying the careful walls I put up for myself? Tiptoeing around my parents for years was an art form on its own and keeping this secret was my greatest masterpiece yet. Crafted with care and attention. Careful not to paint outside the frame. And yet since coming out to people at school, I walked closer and closer to the edge. 

This was practically suicide. I already knew Father would torture me till I bled, and possibly send me away to that place the Parkinson’s recommended. I’d have to fake being straight, get fake married to some client’s daughter. Force myself to have children with her and put my own children through the same traumatic childhood I endured. As long as Father lived, my children and their children were all trapped.

Father would probably snap me till my breaking point, but refuse to let me die. He would make sure I was squeezing back into the mold he created for me. 

But at least I’d be alive. Alive was good. Alive meant there was a chance to escape all this and live.

Pansy gripped my hand tight, tight enough that I felt her heartbeat through our palms. At least for now she was here. She wouldn’t go anywhere, right? When my parents find out, would hers suspect anything? How long till Pansy would realize she’s in danger of being outed too and leave?

Watching Artem check the woman’s pulse, how he carefully picked her up and carried her to one of the couches, had me realize we made a deal with the devil. Maybe he wouldn’t even save her and we just sent her to her doom.

And myself too. 

Artem carefully pulled something out from under the couch, various bottles and parts of a first aid kit. I watched him tend to her wounds and carefully sow up the gash in her side. 

“I’ll let Lucius know of how viciously you killed her. Promise I’ll add in some gory details as well. A nice cherry on top,” Artem spoke, his voice incredibly calm, “and then in a few months your life will be over.”

“Is there anything we can do to prevent that from happening?” Pansy asked, pushing me behind her. 

Artem snorted, “Unless you plan to end this woman’s life right here right now, I’d say no. You know, it’d be a lot easier to do so if you just pushed your morals and empathy aside. Basically, throw away your humanity for a few seconds and don’t think about it.” 

Those words were horrifying to listen to. It showed what kind of people my parents and Artem were compared to me. Why I’d never be able to do what they did. They got rid of everything that made them human just to climb their way up in the world. The quickest way Father became one of the wealthiest men in the country was to eliminate all the others, literally. An invitation to a dinner, a couple of glasses of wine, and suddenly the state governor was bleeding out on the carpet and buried in the garden.

If the police and law enforcement weren’t paid off, if they only dug through Mother’s roses, they would find enough evidence to lock them all up for life. And then I could escape.

Escaping this, maybe running away with someone I truly loved, and living the quietest life possible was the dream. I could take Pansy away with me and we’d find ourselves outside of this nightmare.

We watched Artem bandage the woman up and prop her head up with a couch cushion. 

“You two need to look the part though. Sweatier, bloodier, and maybe a little more out of breath,” he got up and hurried behind the bar. He came up to us with two jars. Reached his gloved hand into the jar with some clear liquid and splashed us both in the face. 

“HEY—” Pansy barked, but Artem held a hand up.

“It’s just water, rub it into your hair. And the other jar is cherry syrup I use for drinks. Fake blood. Maybe rip up your clothes a little. I might even have some dirt for you too,” he splashed some water onto us. 

“The water and syrup are fine,” I said, wanting to keep the nice clothes after all this. 

Pansy didn’t hesitate to rip open the bottom of her dress and her sleeves and turned to me, gesturing at my suit. I made a face and carefully unbuttoned the front of my shirt and the rest of my jacket too. She rolled her eyes at me and I stuck my tongue out at her. 

As Artem helped us, I wondered why in the world he was helping us now. Was this everything that came with a secret like mine? 

He concentrated on our looks and promised he’d help the woman out. Whether or not this was true, I questioned our decisions tonight. Everything that happened after tonight would forever be stained with that woman’s blood, her life right in the center of it all. Though blaming her wouldn’t be morally sound, I decided to put the night’s events behind me. As best as I could, at least. 

The entire walk to the upstairs dining room, the conversation with our parents, the praise they gave us—I felt numb the whole way through. The thoughts in my head were ricocheting off of one another, bouncing around my mind in a blind panic. 

When we got back into the car to head back to campus, I felt a relaxed sensation return to my limbs. It was almost like I’d been moving on auto-pilot since that basement, my mindset on one setting and that was to just get through this. 

The second Pansy grabbed my hand in the car, I violently snapped out of my swirling thoughts and my ears filled with the sound of her voice and the car’s engine. 

“Draco!” she called. 

I turned to her, “Sorry, yeah?”

“God, you were staring into nothing for a while,” she frowned, “I promise we’ll be okay.” 

“I mean, you’ll be fine. My life will end in a few months,” I slumped back into my seat, feeling its cool leather prick my warm skin. 

She watched me and then hollered at the driver. 

“Hey, can we stop at a hotel or something for the night? I think we need a breather from all that,” Pansy said, “I have some money in my school bag too.” 

She located her bag under the seat and dug around for her wallet. The driver confirmed and turned the corner.

Something about spending the night where Father didn’t know where I was, felt exhilarating. It would be a minor pause on life, sleeping sound without worrying about who was watching me. Sharing a dorm with Theo was one stressful night after the other, since he came in when I was already asleep. And at home, there was no doubt every step I took was tracked. 

We pulled into a small motel off the road and the driver turned back to us, saying this was all that was in the area. Pansy’s eyes lit up and she grabbed her bag and bolted out of the car. I hesitantly climbed out, looking back at our driver.

“Are you going to report this to my parents?” I asked. 

He smiled at me, “As long as you two don’t try to escape and stay in one place, I won’t tell.”

Nodding, I grabbed my bag too and followed Pansy into the building. 

The rooms were cramped and far too dusty. A dubious stain sat right in the middle of my bed’s duvet and we rearranged and fluffed up the other bed in the room. While I was dividing up the bed space, Pansy shrieked from the bathroom. Came out screaming and grabbed onto me like she’d just seen a ghost. 

“Cockroach! Draco, kill it!” she hid behind me and I tried to hold back a laugh. 

I sighed, grabbing one of our shoes and headed into the tiny bathroom. Right on the wall next to the sink was a huge roach wiggling its whiskers. I felt Pansy’s nails dig into my shoulder and she cried out again. 

“It’s not even scary,” I chuckled and smacked the roach, driving the shoe deeper into the wall. Letting go, we watched it fall to the floor with a thud. 

She rushed out of the bathroom, “I’m putting my boots back on, sleeping fully covered.” 

“We need to leave this room,” I knelt down to pick up the dead bug. 

“Pool!” she gasped from the other room, “I’m getting every alcohol bottle in the mini-fridge and we can sleep there. Probably much cleaner too.” 

We let the driver know we were heading down to the pool and dumped our bags back in the clean car. Pansy held the front of her dress skirt as a pouch to hold all the tiny bottles she managed to grab. The pool was lit up in a bright aqua blue, the only light in the vicinity. There was no one around so we pulled the lawn chairs all together to create a makeshift bed for later. 

Kicked off our shoes and both sat at the edge of the pool. I rolled up my pants to dunk them in. The stark cold of the water gave me such a sudden reaction, but it almost felt nice. Like a sharp wake-up call, snapping me out of the misty trance my mind was in. I leaned back on my hands, sighing into the brisk air. 

Pansy popped open two bottles with a flick of her wrist and handed me one. The liquid was dark, almost a little scary-looking. She counted down and we sent both bottles down our throats. The warm, burning sensation the alcohol brought in was strangely comforting. A blanket to tuck away all the awful events of the night. 

I tilted my head back to glance up at the starry sky. Out here the number of stars visible was breathtaking. No looming trees, no tall buildings, nothing blocking out the night’s canvas. I wondered if people back at school were looking up at the same scene. Would Theo be the type to watch the stars? Would Potter? I pictured him sitting on the lacrosse field admiring the stars. Maybe one day I’d be there too. What was it like watching the stars with someone like that? 

“Pansy, I think I’m crushing too hard on Potter,” I sighed, feeling the booze sink its teeth into my body. It filled it with a rush of heat and I suddenly didn’t mind the snip in the air. 

She nudged me, “How bad is this crush getting?”

“Pretty damn bad,” I laughed, “he’s just so… gorgeous. Imagine having a Captain as a boyfriend. Imagine going on dates with someone as popular as him. I’d never be bullied ever again. Do you think I’d ever have a chance with someone like him?”

“I mean, if you think you can land someone like Potter, I’ll try— try to be nothing but supportive. And even put aside my resentment for him. If you ever get the miraculous chance, I’ll be nice,” Pansy teased, “eventually.”

I sighed, echoing her eventually out loud. It was a nice thought. Though I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to date Potter. How would I manage to sneak around and for how long? What would happen if Father found out? What would others think? If not Potter, it would be nice to have a boyfriend somehow. 

Except the more I brewed the thought in my head, the less possible it seemed. 

Theo asking me out came to mind and I wondered if it was true if he was really gay and wanted to take me out, how did he see it playing out. What would be the end game for that relationship? 

“Pansy, I have something to tell you,” I started and felt her tense up next to me. 

“Did someone else beat you up?” 

I shook my head, “No, it’s a little more personal.” 

She handed me another bottle and I thought about what her reaction would be to Theo. With all these ‘nice’ Theo moments, I was almost losing track of who he really was. It stayed planted at the back of my mind but made me wonder if he actually changed. People could change. Probably not as quick, but they did change. 

“You can tell me now or later,” she took a sip of the new bottle, “is this about the lady?”

“Okay, not that, but with that lady comes my stupid deadline. I might be dead this time around,” my voice grew hoarse with worry. 

She sighed, “If you’re gonna question whether or not we should’ve killed her, I wouldn’t be able to. No matter what the circumstances were. That’s someone’s life on the line. And crossing a line too. We aren’t murderers, Draco.”

“If you were in my shoes, with that situation with your parents, how would you feel?” I whispered.

Her expression darkened and I watched her eyes prance around till they landed on the bottle. Fingers played with the label and she slowly began to peel away at it. 

“I still wouldn’t go through with it,” she said, “Draco, it’s fucked up whichever way we go. We might be tortured and punished, but in the end, we’ll be okay. I know it. Whenever my father beats me, I think forward. That in a few hours, in a few days, things will be okay again.”

I felt a shiver race along my spine and shook it out. 

“Since you know you’ll be fucked in a few months, I say do something reckless and stupid,” she gave me a weak smile, “I’m sure it won’t be worse than your family finding out about you being gay.”

Looking back at this point, I wish Pansy never said those words. I wish I thought more about the decisions I made from here on out. This pool moment was the calm before the storm, where I nearly lost everything. 

Including her.  

Chapter Text

The nightmares began shortly after the whole dinner ordeal. Some were violent, ending in moments where I would hold a bleeding body in my arms and feel immense dread with it. The final shot of the nightmare would be my hands stained in blood, the whole horror ending with that. 

It didn’t help that I’d wake up either sweating or yelping awake. Miraculous that Theo never woke up during this or he was just good at pretending to be asleep. Sometimes I’d sit up in bed watching him for a few minutes, to make sure. 

I decided the best medicine for this was lacrosse. No amount of lattes drunk with Pansy could save this. 

This had to be all me on my own. I trained hard to bring myself up to that Captain level. Cedric and Potter were far above me, practically glistening from where they were. But if I worked harder, I could reach their star status.

I took the time to jog around the field before my Monday practice, though it was hard to keep up since my body wasn’t fit for all that cardio. For whatever reason, it was harder to build muscle and I had to work thrice as hard to attain a jock body. 

This Monday I decided to run up and down the field with my gear and stick in hand, huffing as I went. I may be the Captain, but I was certainly not the ace. Blaise and Theo fought over that title, usually fighting each other on the field on who would score the better goal. Their enthusiasm was far better than the lacklustre moods of the rest of the team. 

My knees finally gave out and I fell back into the grass, gasping for a breath. Ripped my helmet off and threw it down next to me. Took my gloves off and shook my hands out into the air too. The sun bore down on my face and I shut my eyes tight letting the heat fill out my body.

“Oi, Draco, you alive down there?” 

Squinting, I glanced up at the perfect and smiling face of Cedric. He held a hand out and I took it as he pulled me up. As he sat down next to me, I watched him reach into a duffel bag and pull out a bottle of water. Handed it to me with a smile. 

“I’m okay, just getting my running in,” I chugged back half the bottle.

“Before actual practice? You’re going to be exhausted,” he ran a hand through his hair. I peeped up at it, as it fell back into gentle soft waves. His hair looked extremely soft, I wish I could touch it. Platonically, of course. 

“I’ll be fine, Cedric,” I sighed, pouring the rest of the bottle onto my face and wiping it through my hair. 

Cedric sighed and turned to watch the Hufflepuff team slowly fill their side of the field. Laughter started up as they kicked the ball around. 

“Can I ask you something?” Cedric turned back to me. His expression was a little serious.

I narrowed my eyes at him, “It depends.” 

“Well, I heard you came out and that there have been rumours that Theo has been talking to you more,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “so, I’m just wondering if you’re doing alright. I want an honest answer, Captain to Captain.”

He clearly noticed the annoyed look across my face and sat up a little straighter. 

“Please, Draco. I apologize for that encounter at the start of the school year, I stepped out of line,” he scooted a little closer, “I just want to talk.” 

What part do I tell him? The events of the dinner? Making the deal with the family’s basement gremlin? Pansy and I debating actual fucking murder ? Theo asking me out and possibly being gay? Or the huge blaring crush I had on Potter, which also went hand in hand with me being extremely horny for that magazine shoot. 

“Oh, I’m fine,” I laughed nervously, “maybe a little stressed with school and coming out to others, but otherwise all good. Theo’s just my roommate, so there’s nothing there.” 

Cedric’s eyes were very telling, I noticed how they twinkled when I spoke. Also a fine line between blue and grey and much lighter under the sun. They were intense, but something was mesmerizing about them. As if he was looking deep into your soul, knowing the truth before you even spoke. 

In this case, he didn’t believe me.

“I call bullshit, Draco, c’mon. There has to be more,” he reached and nudged my arm. 

“Cedric, we aren’t close enough for this,” I said, “I still appreciate you caring. But I really don’t have time to pour my heart out to another person.”

“Give me your hand,” Cedric said softly. 

“What? Why?” I recoiled a little.

“Trust me,” he held out his. 

I gave him my hand, wincing as my sweaty palm made contact with his. He carefully placed his other hand over mine.

“Take a deep breath in, gooooooood, okay now release it,” he smiled and watched me follow, “I feel like you’re the type of person who never stops to just breathe. Whenever I see you, you look like you’re on the verge of a panic attack.” 

“Can you blame me with everything going on?” I sighed and Cedric got me to breathe in again. 

When he let my hand go, I watched him as he leaned back. Propped his body on his hands and glanced around the field. His expression soured a little as he watched something from behind me. 

“Oh, look your biggest fan is coming over,” he sighed and began to get up. 

I tried to get up too, feeling the ache in my legs, “Wait, you can stay longer.” 

“Theo and I don’t exactly get along,” he gave me a small smile, “plus gotta calm my own team down a little before they lose all their energy.” 

I snorted, watching the Hufflepuff team prance around like lambs and smack each other with their sticks. As Cedric got his things and walked off, Theo entered my vision. 

“Heeeeey, Draco, my man,” Theo plopped down on the grass in front of me.

“Theo, what do you want?” 

He groaned, “Why do you treat me like I’m a nuisance?”

“Because you’ve treated me like I was one for years,” I watched him squirm, “and I know you really well. Plus if you’re here to ask me out again, I have a crush on someone else at the moment.”

Saying that caused Theo to freeze up and he leaned in, “You aren’t actually straight and crushing on Pansy, right?” 

I leaned in too, “You aren’t saying that after how I just came out to everyone.” 

Nodding to himself, Theo leaned away. He glanced around the field to where the Slytherin team was doing their own warmups. While he watched them, I watched him. Carefully studying his face and wondering what his next move would be. 

“So, what would it take for you to go out with me then?” Theo turned back to me. 

I remembered his father at the table and wondered if this was the smartest thing to do. If I set the rules down and played my cards right, nothing could possibly go wrong. It seemed that Theo didn’t take my rejection as an answer, and I felt like he would only get more persistent. We wouldn’t do anything crazy either. I would make sure of that. 

“What do you see in me? Why me and not the next gay guy?” I asked. 

“I thought about this a lot,” he said, looking excited, “you’re different than the rest. Clearly, you don’t take shit from others and I think you have a strong heart if put to the right use. You’re handsome, smart, and a hot lacrosse Captain. I could go on.” 

And I could gag. 

That sounded like it came out of a cheap romance novel or the lines he used on just about anyone. Replace ‘hot lacrosse Captain’ with any other title and he was golden. There was nothing too specific about what he said, aside from the obvious. It was cheesy in the worst way and I was regretting this already. 

“Draco,” he reached for my hand and grabbed it, “I want to fix things up with you. I want to—”

“I want you to try harder.” 

He blinked in confusion, “What?”

“You heard me,” I said, “if you want all this I need you to step it up. I don’t believe this whole thing you’re doing. It just feels like an act and as if any second now you’ll scream ‘PRANKED YOU’. If you really are telling the truth, I will go out with you on three conditions.”

The look on Theo’s face was priceless. He was taken aback, yet intrigued in some way. The mischievous look in his eyes I recognized and something about it reminded me of the good old days. Something about this made me miss the friendship we used to have. Back when the Slytherin travelled in one large pack and got along just fine. Funny enough it was Theo’s fault for splitting everyone up, destroying the delicate friendships he held with others. 

“Yes, anything,” he said. 

I felt like I had the higher ground here. Maybe this was the chance for something reckless as Pansy said. 

“One, you step it up. I’m not kidding. Two, I pick where we eat and you arrive on time. Three, it’s just one date. Unless you manage to sweep me off my feet, I don’t plan on going out with you again,” I watched his smile grow. 

“Yes! Anything!” he sprung to his feet, “let me know the details!” 

Theo ran off excitedly screaming to Blaise, who looked a little scared as Theo slammed into him. I watched him jump up and down, the reaction making me wonder if I’d been wrong this whole time. It was innocent, it was just a small date. 

Yet when I turned my head, I noticed Cedric watching me with crossed arms. He shook his head, almost in disappointment, before turning back to his team. 

“Draco! Draco! ” 

I blinked quickly and turned to Pansy. She glared at me. 

“Did you hear a word I said?” she huffed. 

We were on our way to class, or her Quantitative Toxicology lecture, which I decided to sit in after practice. I missed everything she was telling me, zoning out from both exhaustion and worry over the date. 

“I’m sorry, I maybe caught a few words,” I winced and watched her roll her eyes. 

She sped up, trying to lose me in the crowd. 

“Pans, please, I’m sorry. I’ll listen this time,” I reached out to hold onto her jacket sleeve but tripped when I noticed she wasn’t even wearing it. 

I turned red, realizing I hadn’t been paying attention. But also how weird it was to see Pansy’s arms out. For as long as I knew her, she kept her arms covered. I eyed the healing self-harm scars running up and down her arms, wondering what changed. She seemed to notice how I reached for her arm and looked away without another word. 

I wasn’t the only one, people didn’t seem to make way for us. The jackets she wore usually made her look bigger too, all for her intimidating image. Pansy even bumped into a few people, not making a single remark or comment towards anyone. I hurried after her, shoving my way through. When we reached a quieter section of the building, Pansy hurried towards the bathroom and I only followed her. 

Prayed no one would be in there, I rushed in already apologizing. The bathroom was empty and I followed her towards the open window. Watched her pull out a cigarette and hurriedly light it. 

“Pansy.” 

She didn’t look at me, took a drag of her cigarette and held it for a few seconds before blowing out a rough cloud of smoke. 

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately after the dinner. Just zoning out on me,” she said, still not looking up, “you expect me to listen to your problems and don’t listen even for a few seconds to mine. Did something happen? Because I’m happy to deal with that now.” 

“I’m fine,” I hugged myself, “tell me your thing. Please.” 

I watched her take another puff, before she said, “I’m going out on a date with someone this week.”

“Shit, you too?”

She whipped around to look at me, “YOU TOO?”

I froze, regretting speaking up so fast. Her eyes widened and she pointed at me, her cigarette slipping out of her mouth. 

“Who?” she walked closer to me, and I backed up more. 

I couldn’t tell her, she’d kill him. 

“A mystery guy I can’t tell you about yet.”

Hands rushed to her cigarette as she took a longer drag. Her eyes narrowed onto me with obvious suspicion.

I gave her a weak smile, “How about you?”

“I told you in the hallway.”

We stared at each other, till the bathroom door opened and a few girls came in. I turned red and quickly exited before the door could close. The footsteps of Pansy followed. Back in the hall, she threw her cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. 

“Tell me again, c’mon,” I nudged her and she glared down at me. 

She sighed, “A Ravenclaw girl. She’s on the volleyball team. Cho Chang? Don’t know if you’ve heard of her.” 

“She was on the Ravenclaw lacrosse team last year. How did you manage to woo her?” I asked. 

“Woo her? Draco who talks like that,” Pansy snorted, “and I told you earlier.”

When she began to walk toward her class, I hurried after and grabbed her arm. Hooked my arm through hers and she walked on faster. I tried my best to match her steps, her long strides were nothing compared to my quick ones. 

“Pans, I’m sorry, please tell me,” I called out. 

“Not the first time. You probably weren’t listening to what I said earlier today too,” she wrung my arm from hers and hurried to class, “what happens in my life doesn’t matter. It’s always you, you, you. I’m tired, Draco. Am I just your personal shield and nothing else?” 

I watched her rub her arms, looking a little embarrassed. Something about her today looked more open and out of her comfort zone. The usual black bob was up in a tiny ponytail and her black lipstick was replaced with a darker red.

I was an idiot. Didn’t even bother to ask why she was doing all this. It was probably for Cho. 

“I’m sure Cho will listen to what I have to say,” Pansy frowned, “she approached me and said she wanted to get to know me.” 

“Hey, I listen to you all the time,” I said. Liar, liar, liar. 

“You listen, but you’re just zoning out the whole time till it’s time for your problems.” 

I felt real shitty because lately, I was guilty of that. It wasn’t fair to Pansy and I was definitely being a horrible friend. But Pansy didn’t take apologies unless they were genuine and she wasn’t taking mine now. 

“I’ll see you after class,” she sighed loud and turned on her heel. 

I only followed her, keeping a distance still. She marched into her lecture hall and to my surprise took one of the seats in the second row. I squinted harder and noticed Cho sitting there too. Her face lit up when she saw Pansy and quickly pulled her down into the seat. 

She probably wanted me to meet Cho after talking about her and explaining how it happened. I felt even worse. 

Despite everything, I pushed my way through the growing crowd of students. Snuck into the second row and plopped down next to Pansy. She pretended not to see me, pulling out her textbook and notes. 

“I’m here to support you and if you want to tell me about Cho later, I’ll listen,” I leaned in to whisper into her ear. 

“Later, Draco,” she still didn’t look over and crossed one leg over the other. 

The professor walked into the hall, glancing at the large herd.

“Okay, so!” he laid his books out, “last week we started the discussion of Mixed Effect Models and completed our talk on AVONA. Today, we’ll deal with heterogeneity and nested data within those models. Next week we’ll prep for the upcoming quiz and the discussion on environmental epidemiology! Any questions?” 

A few hands shot up and I sunk deeper into my seat. My mind was already wandering away from what people were asking the professor but listened to what people were whispering about behind us. 

“God, how can she show her arms with scars like that?” 

“Ew, did you notice the nasty red colour she wore on her lips today?”

“Are you seeing this shit? Can’t she cover up?” 

I felt my hands curls into fists, knowing how Pansy would stand up for me in a heartbeat if this was about me. I turned around quickly, glaring at the group of giggling girls. They froze up, still lingering chuckles in the air. 

“Can you shut the fuck up?” I hissed at them and watched the girl in the middle squint at me, while her friends went on.

“You can’t tell me what to do, dirty faggot,” she sneered. 

In a flash, Pansy was on her feet and threw her textbook at the girl. It smacked her right in the face and the girl shrieked. 

“You say that again, and I’m reporting you!” Pansy snarled. 

The whole room went silent and I watched Cho gently grab Pansy’s hand on the other side. 

“Parkinson and… Malfoy?” the professor crossed his arms, “what—”

I cleared my throat, “Sir, excuse me, but those girls were making fun of Pansy and then one of them called me… uh….”

“They called Draco a slur and I don’t tolerate that shit,” Pansy said, trying to keep her voice calm. 

“She threw a fucking book at me!” the girl cried and her friends swarmed to her side to comfort her. 

The professor sighed, “Either you stay till the first break to discuss this or you may leave the lecture and sort this out on your own. I have a class to teach. Miss Abbott, go down to the infirmary if you need medical assistance.”

When the girl tried to say more, the professor held a hand up and pointed to the door. Pansy reached over her chair to collect back her textbook and slumped back in her seat. Cho rubbed her shoulder and then whispered something in her ear. I felt my own face turning red, happy I said something but embarrassed that Pansy stepped in again. 

As the class resumed, I leaned toward Pansy’s ear.

“I’m sorry you had to do that,” I said.

She reached for my hand and held it tight while she began to take notes with the other. Didn’t say anything to me, but I hoped her reassuring squeeze was enough. 

The rest of the lecture was sizzling with tension as I felt the group behind glaring at us the whole way through the first half. The second the break hit, they left the room and hit me on the back of my head with their bags as they walked out. Pansy flipped them off and they only did the same. 

Once the lecture was over, we had an hour till Pansy’s other class and my boring Industrial Relations one began. I heard her and Cho whispering about skipping and decided it would be best to leave them to it. Being the third wheel felt weirder as I watched Cho squeeze and hold onto Pansy’s bicep. 

I told them I’ll be heading off and quickly marched off in the direction of my dorms. My phone buzzed along the way and since I only ever texted one person, I already knew who. 

i’m not mad at u, just u know

My fingers hovered over the keys, not wanting to disrupt her time with Cho. After a few replies I wanted to send, I just sighed and shoved my phone away. I could always reply later. 

I hated how I felt in the moment though. Something about seeing the way Cho touched Pansy, the way she looked at her and the way they interacted made me almost jealous. Maybe because I was worried that Pansy would spend less time with me, which would be normal if they started dating. But this was exactly what was wrong with me. 

What happens in my life doesn’t matter. It’s always you, you, you.

Pansy’s words echoed deep in my mind, reminding me how she was right in some way. Even now, even when she seemed happy with another girl, I felt possessive. What the hell was wrong with me? My friend finally had the chance to pursue something with another girl, a chance for a normal relationship away from all the toxicity. A slice of the normal we always dreamed about, and I was thinking about myself. 

I rushed into the dorm building, hurrying up the stairs. I needed a distraction. Something to get my mind off this and maybe rework the way I was feeling. 

When I flung my dorm door open I never expected Theo to be sitting on his bed. He looked just as surprised to be seeing me too. I stared at him, realizing how out of breath I was and how quickly I got here. 

My eyes locked with his and at that moment things felt like they were flying all over. I walked over to him, standing over him as he sat on the edge of that bed. 

Something stupid and reckless, right?

In one swoop, I leaned in and grabbed Theo’s face to pull him into a kiss. He didn’t even hesitate, didn’t resist me at all. Instead stood up, grabbing all of me and pulling me deeper in. 

Fuck, how good of a kiss it was. 

I’d never kissed a boy before and something about it felt addicting, soft, and a little rugged around the edges. Theo was gentle but also a little aggressive with it. I kissed back onto him, feeling the heat starting between us. 

Right here, right now, I didn’t even care if I was landing straight into Theo’s plan. 

When we pulled back, breathing hard, his eyes bolted between my eyes and lips and back again. 

“What are you doing?” he whispered, “I thought you didn’t care.”

“Just shut up and fucking kiss me, Nott,” I whispered and felt him fall back onto the edge of the bed, bringing me down into his lap. 

Tugging at the collar of my shirt, he pulled me in again. A kiss so full of everything he was probably holding back on, a kiss that nearly got me light-headed. I was descending into dangerous territory, but all I wanted was to kiss him more. To feel his lips against mine, the taste of mint on his tongue and how incredibly passionate someone so malicious was.

This wasn't the time to think things through.

Chapter Text

It was strange the usual nightmares barely came that night. A flurry of unsettling shots of the woman from the manor, and a whole lot of Theo. At some point, I couldn’t tell what was a dream or not. His hands were on me, rushing through my skin and piercing right into my heart. I felt myself pulling into it, feeling a newfound hunger for his body too. 

Except when I woke up the next morning I felt bizarre. I suddenly felt unsure of how much of my dreams were real. I could almost feel his bare skin beneath my fingertips and the way his lips kissed enveloped all of me. It was such a faint lingering feeling. 

My eyes shot open to the familiar dorm ceiling and I bolted up in stark realization.

I glanced over to my right to see Theo fast asleep. Eyes wide, I peeked under the blanket to see that I was still wearing the pants from yesterday. My shirt was gone, but I wore a tattered Slytherin lacrosse t-shirt. I quickly pulled it off and turned it around. ‘Nott’ was written on the back and I clutched it tight in my hands.

As quietly as I could, I slipped out of the bed and hurried into the washroom. To my horror, I witnessed a few bite marks along my collarbone and neck. Finger reached up to run along them, not knowing how to feel about it. I didn’t hate it, but I was more concerned about how I didn’t remember most of last night. There was a strange ache in my back too as if I’d been straining it too much. 

I turned the water on to splash some on my face and heard the rustle of Theo. As I pressed some cold water to my face, a pair of warm arms wrapped around my waist. I felt a cheek against my back and a small humming noise. 

“Morning, handsome,” Theo purred from behind me and I felt the biggest feeling of discomfort wash over me. I reached for a towel and wiped my hands. 

I gently took his hands off my body and turned around to glance at him. 

“Hey,” I smiled nervously and he leaned in to press a little kiss to my cheek.

He pulled away and narrowed his eyes at my expression. 

“What’s wrong?” 

I squeezed his hand, “Uh, how far did we go last night?” 

“Well, we made out for quite some time and you got a little rough, so I followed,” Theo took off his shirt to reveal hickies all over his chest and turned around to show some red marks on his back.

“Oh, god,” I covered my eyes, “I don’t even remember anything. I think I got too excited and—”

“Draco!” Theo lowered my hands, “it was hot as hell. I just didn’t imagine we’d move so quick.”

I eyed the marks on Theo and felt my heart race. Why didn’t I remember any of it? We didn’t drink nor did I take anything beforehand. Was I really filled with so much adrenaline that I managed to pass through it?

“Can we start from square one and do the date still?” I asked, trying not to think about the peppered bites all over his neck. 

“Oh, yeah! You know I’m down,” Theo said. 

I felt new and scared to this, this whole thing. My heart drummed a little quicker as he hugged me at my waist. Hands trembling, I hugged him back and leaned in to kiss his forehead. My lips trembled as I did so. It was absolutely terrifying. The touch of another guy was…

I couldn’t describe it. Fear, excitement, happiness. It was all bubbling over inside me and I wondered where I could take it. Especially if this was a temporary thing. We weren’t boyfriends. We weren’t anything. 

Yet. 

Plus I didn’t think Theo wanted to parade around the school with me on his arm. 

Though the more I imagined ‘Theo at school’, the more I remembered Theo at school. The connection was clicking finally. The fact that I made out and slept in the same bed as my ‘archenemy’ was hilarious. Pansy would actually kill me, so maybe it was best she didn’t know. 

His phone rang from the other room and he quickly kissed me before rushing out. I listened to him answer it in a low voice. I began my skincare routine and as I applied my moisturizer, I heard him start to speak quieter and quieter. It was awfully suspicious and my first thought was if the call was about me. Maybe there was some huge scheme and I wasn’t losing my mind here. 

I turned back to the sink, checking through the mirror at Theo. He was pacing across the room, looking real nervous about something. At some point, his eyes met mine and he gave me a quick smile before it dropped down again. 

I rushed out of the bathroom to change my shirt and spritz some cologne. Carefully folded Theo’s shirt and placed it on his bed, before hissing to Theo that I was leaving. He whispered something into his phone and hung up.

“What was that about?” I asked.

“Someone’s after you.”

“I’m sorry?”

Theo stood up and approached me, adjusting my collar, “I was told someone is out to get you. I was whispering so you didn’t freak out.”

“Yet, you’re telling me now,” I frowned. 

“Trust me,” he moved his hands down my arms, “I wouldn’t hurt you and I’ll prevent anyone from doing so.”

“I think you’re forgetting a very obvious person who also does that,” I said. Remembering the shit from yesterday, it felt wrong saying these words now. 

He cleared his throat, “Isn’t Pansy with Cho now?” 

“How do you know that?” 

“So I was correct then,” Theo smiled, “I told Cho to approach Pansy. Apparently, Cho is a bigger fan than I thought. I’m sure they’ll get along just fine.” 

Theo set Cho up with Pansy and himself with me. Wasn’t it obvious he was just trying to separate  Pansy and me from one another? Did he think that Pansy and I wouldn’t still be close friends? This meant there was definitely something going on behind the scenes. However far back it went I had no idea. 

Before I exited the room, I sent Pansy a quick text and opened my door. Just as I walked into the hall, she did too from her dorm. 

“Morning,” she nodded, “Wanna grab some—”

Her eyes were on my neck, but I realized I never fully buttoned up my shirt and my hands hurried to my buttons. She pointed and then her eyes strayed behind me. I spun around to see Theo with a huge grin waving at Pansy. 

“No, no, Pansy, it’s not what it looks like,” I rushed to her and when I reached my hand up, she slapped it away. 

“You slept with THEO?” her voice peaked and cracked a little at Theo’s name. 

I felt Theo appear next to me and rest a hand on my shoulder. When he squeezed it, Pansy’s face showed a silent rage as I’d never seen it. She was always plenty expressive, every part of her body showing how angry she was. But here I knew just by her eyes. The slight downward frown of her lips and how viciously her eyes attacked Theo and me. To some degree, it looked like she was going to cry. 

I shoved Theo’s hand off and stepped forward, “Pansy, I was upset. And you said to make bold moves. You told me to do something reckless and stupid!” 

“Yeah, but not to do Theodore fucking Nott! I thought that was common sense! Draco, he treated us like shit for so long now and this is what you go ahead and do? I thought if you respected me, you’d maybe not go around sleeping with the people we hate,” she snapped. 

I took another step forward, “This isn’t my fault!” 

“Not your fault?! Are you going to blame me? Are you going to blame Theo? You could’ve said no if he started it!” 

“Draco did kiss me first,” came Theo’s smug voice, “and he acted oh so sweet this morning too.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Theo!” I hissed. 

“Oh,” Pansy crossed her arms, “oh, I see how it is.” 

“Pans,” I started. 

“Why the fuck do you always think it’s ok to call me that when I’m mad at you,” Pansy raised her voice, “you think if you can weasel your way out of things everything will be okay? You think I’ll let this slide? Draco, you crossed a fucking line. I don’t care who you sleep with, but Christ. Theo? Really, Draco?”

I felt the tears coming. I clenched my fists and held them tight at my sides. Began to blink fast to prevent anything from coming out. 

Pansy was looking down at me the same way she looked down at her victims. One word to describe it would be, cold. Not a drop of sympathy, no remorse for my actions. I held her gaze, not daring to look away. My skin burned, suddenly all the hickies felt like they were fresh again. Guilt weighed down on each one, making me want to hide away. 

“It’s him or me,” she said as calmly as possible. 

“What?” 

She watched me, the growing silence making the situation worse. I shouldn’t have to think. I really didn’t. 

“The fact that you have to think about this, says enough,” she turned on her heel and hurried away. 

“Pansy!” 

“Fuck OFF, Draco,” she shouted, “I’ll deal with you later.” 

As she disappeared out of sight, Theo slung an arm over my shoulder and leaned in to breathe in my cologne. My tears began when his lips grazed the back of my neck. 

“You wanna continue where we left off?” he whispered in my ear. 

I turned around and shoved him back, “Don’t you fucking touch me now.” 

He frowned, reaching for my hand, “Draco, you see how she acts right? She doesn’t care about you. You need to stop listening to her and be your own person. I’m flattered you didn’t choose her at first.” 

I couldn’t make eye contact with him, feeling something awful brewing in my gut. I should’ve told Pansy about Theo when we were at the hotel. Or even yesterday. The tears felt hot and burned my eyes. I felt confused, angry, and annoyed. All at once, the emotions picked at my skin, at my mind, filling me up with more anxiety. I may have fucked up my friendship with Pansy and got stuck with Theo in the end. Yeah, he was the first guy to ever approach me like this, but Pansy was right. 

Right? 

On a windy October day, the last practice match between Gryffindor and Slytherin was about to happen. The National Lacrosse Finals were coming up and I doubted our abilities. It’d been exactly five days since the altercation between Pansy and me, and I refused to talk to anyone. 

Ghosted Theo for the time being and slept on the dorm couch in the common area. I didn’t want to discuss anything with him and was prepared to face the nasty consequences if they came my way. 

The overcast sky represented exactly what I felt deep inside. You could tell a storm was coming and I felt the same storm starting inside me. Pissed, sleep-deprived and so on edge, that if anyone set me off I’d tear their head off. 

For whatever reason Pansy decided to show up to the match, excessively smoking from the top of the stands. All her smoke was scaring away just about anyone in a six-foot radius and when I shot her a glare, she flipped me off. I only did the same and watched her dramatically roll her eyes. I didn’t know when we’d make up and didn’t want to bother with it now. 

Our team ran on a weird high after winning one practice game at the start of the season, and after jinxing it, we lost every game after that. With each loss, we gained more and more fouls, resulting in at least one major foul per game. The Gryffindors only took advantage of this and found every way to tick us off and in turn have the ref watching us more closely. 

They’d purposefully pull foul moves when the ref wasn’t looking and then fully blame us. Because Potter was the school’s golden child, he could do no wrong. Meaning Gryffindor had a free pass and most of their fouls became our fault. 

I wasn’t in the mood for any of this and what used to be my comfort sport became the worst part of my week. Throwing my all into lacrosse was a huge mistake because it meant throwing all my emotions into it too. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I could tell my teammates weren’t too happy with my coaching as it got worse. I could hear how they talked behind my back. 

All I could think about that morning was my conflicting feeling with Theo and the heartbreaking glare Pansy gave me every single morning. No matter where I was, she was somehow there too. It was the problem with picking out our classes to make it so we always ran into one another. 

It didn’t help that she texted me this just yesterday:

When you stop trying to snog Nott, come talk to me 

What really didn’t help was that Theo was on the team. He kept glancing over at me and wincing whenever I barked something at everyone. As I entered the field, I shot a nasty glare at the Gryffindors and overheard my goalie and defensemen snickering over something. When I heard my name and a few god-awful phrases get thrown about, I made it my business to walk past them. 

It only took a few more words from their end before I lunged at them. In my blind rage, I managed to slither under their fists and one of them slipped a fierce punch to my nose. The crowd was noticing and I heard the chatter in the stands grow louder. My eyes slipped to Pansy who was staring at me. When our eyes met, she turned away and blew another lazy cloud out. I shouted out and threw another punch before the ref blew the whistle. 

I walked off, wiping my bloody nose on the white sleeve of my uniform. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley watching me. She said something to Potter, who grimaced and she laughed. 

God, I had no time to think about them today. My emotions were already at their peak, and I was ready to burst and possibly strangle someone with my own two hands. I watched Ginny hurry off to her own position and when Theo shouted something at her, she blew a kiss in his direction. Theo noticed me watching and gave a small wave. I shook my head and he sulked away to his position like a wounded puppy. 

The game that day was brutal. While the scores were usually one or two points off, today the gap between the teams grew wider and wider. I kept getting our team fouls as the gap grew. Three happened for misbehaviour and the final was when I tried to shove a Gryffindor midfielder away. It helped, but I’d hit him so hard in the legs that he stayed benched. 

Of course, the Gryffindor team carried on just as many, if not more fouls. They’d play them off and even got away with a few. I believed at some point that the ref was paid to look past a few things. The whole game was difficult.

It was the last few seconds of the final quarter, and a few of the players were just squatting on the field, knowing the final outcome. The score was 12-4, and my team looked tired and unmotivated. I was wrung out of all my hope and my faith vanished with the final two-pointer. Our Slytherin goalie just stood still for the last 30 seconds, as Ginny Weasley scored the final goal. 

When the ref blew the whistle, the Gryffindors all cried out triumphantly, jumping on each other shoulders and wailing about their victory. I watched my team gang up on the goalie, arguing angrily over one another. 

I didn’t join them, instead broke my stick over my knee and smashed it to the ground. I could feel the last string of togetherness snap inside of me and everything, absolutely everything came crashing and tumbling inside of me. Since there was an audience, I clenched my fists tights and stared at the ground below. Tears sprung into my eyes and I gritted my teeth together to keep them from falling. 

When the team handshake came, I stood at the end of our line, holding my jaw tight. The Slytherin team didn’t speak up and shook hands quite carelessly. That was until I watched Blaise shove one of the Gryffindor attackmen and let out a battle cry. The teams followed, falling into one another in screams and punches. The grass began to stain in blood and sweat as a whole hurdle of sweaty guys rolled about. 

The crowd from the bleachers was leaving and I watched Pansy stand to her feet. Then noticed Potter come stand next to me and my whole body tensed up. 

We stood side by side in silence, away from the fight. We were at least a few feet away, but I could hear Potter’s heavy breathing. I crossed my arms, feeling the stupid raging crush for Potter tear its way into my mind. Tapping my foot furiously against the grass, I tried to shove it away. 

“Hey Malfoy, is your fucking fairy ass just gonna stand there?” one of my teammates shouted from the pile. 

“Shut the fuck up!” I shouted back.

“Fucking pansy...” I heard Potter mutter next to me.

I turned to him, “You wanna say that again, Potter?”  

“You’re weak shit. Can’t do shit during practice, so the least you can do is punch someone,” Potter said, his voice slick with disapproval. He was looking down at me and I would’ve loved to punch him. Out of love, out of hatred—I didn’t know. But a comment like that caused my breathing to rush and the tears were pricking at my eyes again. 

I wondered what Potter thought of me. What exactly went through his thick skull when he looked at me?

“No, you want to say what you said first, again?” I stepped a little closer to him. 

My hands moved up and I grabbed Potter roughly by the collar. Potter’s expression was stone cold, glaring down at me. With a fistful of the lacrosse robes, I felt my hands shake a little. The expression on Potter’s face was similar to Pansy’s own when she saw Theo and me. The same disapproving look with a slither of unadulterated hatred. An expression that dragged all the loneliness out of my body. 

What did everyone actually think of me? Pansy, Potter, my team? Feeling the thoughts rattle my mind, I held on tighter still and twisted the fabric till my knuckles turned white.

“I’ve heard shit about you,” Potter  hissed, “you slept with half your team just so they’d vote you captain.”

My lip curled, showing teeth, “Shut your mouth or I’ll kill you.”

“You couldn’t,” Potter sneered, “I fucking dare you.”

Our eyes locked in, breathing hard on each other with our faces inches apart. Wouldn’t everyone love it if the captains got into a fight? Oh, the drama and rumours that would spring. I’d be immediately painted as the ‘bad guy’, since no one could hurt star player Harry Potter. Maybe at this point, I didn’t care. Maybe there was nothing more that could possibly ruin my reputation. I was fucked in a few months anyway. Good as dead. 

Nothing fucking mattered anymore. 

But just as I raised a hand to Potter, the ref ran over and grabbed it. Carefully lowered my fist to which Potter tutted in disappointment. We were pulled apart by force and shoved in the direction of the locker rooms. I was pushed along with a lot more force. 

We all shared a locker room, so the ref stood outside of the boys’ one in case of anything. 

In the corner, I was slowly undressing, hanging up my lacrosse robes and trying to keep my head hung low. All around the loud chatter began and I managed to catch only bits of it. 

“...such a fag,” someone chuckled. 

“Who?”

“Captain Maaaaalfoy.”

Laughter followed and I recognized one in particular.

The word repeated itself again. And again. And again. Following something just as painful. None of the Slytherin teammates stood up for me and it felt like they were all ganging up on me. Potter’s laughter stood out the most, filling my ears till I wanted to scream.

I spun around to find him laughing along with two of his teammates. Heard another awful word fly out, one much more foul, but I wasn’t even listening at that point. The room was spinning, my vision blurring from a few tears.

My feet carried me in Potter’s direction and I lunged myself at him. With all the might in my body, I shoved him back into the lockers. A loud bang as the locker behind Potter gave into a dent. I didn’t care if I knocked the wind out of him. I didn’t care about my deeper feelings for him. I didn’t even care if I hurt his prized model face. 

With animosity raging out of me, I clenched Potter’s shirt, almost ready to rip it to shreds. My other arm shoved against Potter’s stomach, a technique I picked up from Pansy and her victims. 

“What the fuck are you laughing at?!” I shouted into his face

“You tell me,” Potter chuckled.

Tears were bubbling at the corners of my eyes, “Why are you like this? WHY? Why the fuck do you find shit like that funny?”

Potter froze as my voice cracked. Something changed in his eyes the second he noticed my tears. As if he broke out of the mean jock facade he held onto. 

“NEVER. Never say those fucking words again!” I shouted at him. 

I raised my fist again and this time slammed it into the locker right next to Potter’s head. Potter didn’t even flinch, his expression was surprisingly calm. The room went quiet as everyone watched.

Noise filled the room again as everyone was gathering around shouting Fight! Fight! Fight!

I continued to yell at Potter, not even hearing myself. Though Potter had enough and began to shout back. We were stuck in a screaming match, throwing insults at one another. The force I held Potter with was becoming stronger and stronger until I knew I was causing him actual pain. He attempted to push me away.

“Hey, fairy, I bet you can't punch him out!” someone hollered, “gotta keep that manicure of yours tidy!”

Fury pulsed through me, and I raised my fist higher. I was plenty ready to knock Potter out cold using every move I learned from watching Pansy. All just to stop the name-calling. All the stupid assumptions. I was channelling all the pain I felt from the bullying into Potter. Something about the way he spoke up hurt far more than any other comment. 

However before my fist could land, a shrill whistle filled the room. I felt strong arms dragging me back and away from Potter. Kicking and protesting, I wished I could've punched him. Just one punch and my reputation might’ve changed. Maybe I would’ve resolved some of the internal turmoil too.

The screams I let out as someone pulled me away were filled with pain. I didn’t care who saw my tears and let them roll down my cheeks. I shouted out Potter’s name, letting his name come out in a wave of spitting anger. Watched Potter sit down against the lockers, head hung low.

The noise of the room grew louder and louder and through the crowd, I watched Theo part through. His eyes were filled with worry as he searched the room for me. I watched a sharp cry of fear ring through the crowd and the last thing I saw was Pansy shoving her way in and charging toward Theo.