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For a great portion of her life, Celeste Shepard didn't feel like she had a home; it was brutally taken from her the moment batarian slavers raided Mindoir and ruthlessly murdered her parents, sister and friends. She needed another ten years or so to find herself a new home: Normandy. Always filled with people; with friends, allies - her new family. She's lost quite a few of them while also gaining new ones but there has always been a core - her closest friends, the ones that have been here from the very beginning of her journey of stopping the Reapers: Garrus, Liara, Joker, Wrex, Tali.... And Kaidan who, in many ways, is so much more. After their meeting on Horizon over a year ago, Shepard was terrified - she's never admitted that to anyone but that night, she cried herself to sleep. She's survived so much already but at the moment, she felt like it was her breaking point: knowing that she was so damn close to the kind of happiness that the relationship with Kaidan could give her... And she was stripped of this chance the very moment she decided – however reluctantly – to cooperate with Cerberus. That night after Horizon, Shepard cried in pain just as much as she cried out of helplessness. She knew that at the moment, there was nothing that could convince Kaidan to come back – after all they’ve both seen what atrocities Cerberus is capable of committing. Some part of her understood his distrust, the other, however, was heartbroken that he couldn’t just…Understand. The only good thing about her suicide mission in the fight against the Collectors was that Shepard didn’t have time or energy to dwell on what could have been between them. She thought about him often, cherishing memories of the time they spent together, but the was trying to move on. To keep living, to keep fighting. Even if the Normandy felt so goddamn empty without him on board.
So much time has passed since then, so much has changed... What was really a year or so, felt like a decade at least. And what a while ago seemed unimaginable, really has happened: Kaidan's back, the last piece Shepard needed to feel at home again. He's changed, that's for certain, but during some much needed air-clearing conversations they had during her visits at Huerta Hospital, Shepard realized that his feelings for her have remained unchanged. And so did hers: even when she was sure he’d never come back to her, it never occurred to her to seek anybody else. All this time, there was still a part of her that was stubbornly clinging to Kaidan Alenko.
Shepard's wandering aimlessly around her cabin, waiting for her guest; Kaidan hasn't been here yet - ever since he came back a few days ago, he's been sleeping in the crew's quarters and that’s something she intends to change tonight. While Shepard passes by this ridiculous fish tank installed here by Cerberus, she takes a glimpse at her reflection: her honey blond hair, usually worn as a tight bun on the top of her head, is now falling gracefully on her shoulders, while her army uniform has been replaced by sweatpants and a tank top. Shepard’s face shows signs of weariness and severe lack of sleep, but there’s also something else, something she hasn’t seen in a while: flickers of joy in her round, lilac eyes. Usually reserved, she allows herself to smile shyly – she needs this, some time spent just with him, especially given how much time they’ve wasted already... And how little they probably have left. Some part of her feels guilty for letting herself forget about the ongoing war, even if for a night; she does her best to push this thought away, trying to convince herself that they both deserve it.
"Shepard, major Alenko is heading to your quarters", EDI's robotic voice fills the room "He seems rather... Excited."
"Good." Shepard can feel the corners of her mouth twitching slightly. "EDI, once major's here, please make sure no one interrupts us. When I'm unavailable, Garrus is in charge of the crew and the ship." Shepard spoke with Garrus in the morning, right after Kaidan accepted her invitation for tonight. The turian has known both of them long enough to know how much of a big deal this date is and, supportive as always, reminded commander not to break the bed since as he put it, Cerberus is no longer funding their little expedition. The only response she could have thought of at the moment was smacking him on the arm.
"Of course, Shepard", EDI replies, polite as usual.
"Thank you.” The moment Shepard says these words, she hears quiet whuuush – the door to her cabin opens, and here he stands: Kaidan Alenko in person, holding a bottle and two glasses in his hands and beaming in delight at the sight of her.
"Hello."
"Punctual as always", she replies with appreciation and motions him in.
"Well, I didn't want to be..." Kaidan stops mid-sentence the moment he enters the room and takes a look around. "Wow. Big place", he says in awe, glaring at the luxury insides of Shepard's cabin as he follows her inside.
“Just so you know, the fish tank wasn’t my idea.” She sits down on the leather sofa and gestures towards the bottle that Kaidan puts on the coffee table. "You shouldn't have.” Kaidan shrugs nonchalantly.
“Remember how I told you that my family makes their own wine? I’ve had a few bottles left, for a special occasion.”
“Special, huh?” Shepard fixes her eyes on Kaidan’s skilled hands as he opens the bottle and pours ruby-coloured liquid into the glasses.
"Well, you're here… " He hands Shepard her glass. "That's special enough for me." She can feel her cheeks turning red, almost as red as the alcohol they’re about to drink – a reaction to Kaidan’s voice sounding even more absurdly low and husky than usual.
"Likewise", she manages to reply and adds: "Although I believe we have one more good reason to celebrate." When Kaidan gives her a puzzled look, she raises her glass. "To major Kaidan Alenko, second human Spectre. Making humanity proud, major." He chuckles softly.
"It doesn't have the same ring to it as the first human Spectre, but hey, I’ll take it…" He clinks his glass with hers. "At least I’m in good company. Cheers." They both take a sip; while drinking what she must admit is an excellent semi-dry wine, Shepard suddenly remembers something special she’s had prepared for tonight.
“I almost forgot!” She puts down her glass, noticing that Kaidan furrows his brow, confused. “I wanted to show you something, just gimme a sec.” Shepard gets up and approaches the sound system console next to her bed. Few clicks and she finds a playlist she was looking for: in one moment, silence in the cabin is interrupted by music from a different era.
Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like on
A-Jupiter and Mars
As Shepard comes back to sit next to Kaidan she finds him lounging on the sofa, relaxed but pensive.
"I haven’t heard this kind of music in a long time”, he admits as she takes a seat next to him. “It’s a nice change though.”
“Yeah, we used to listen to jazz all the time at home…” She stops for a second, not to dwell too much on the past. “I’ve recently found this one store on the Citadel, you could call it an antique shop – they have some really old stuff from Earth, some furniture, silverware… And even digitized records.” Trying to sound as innocent as possible, she admits: “I might have bought half of their stock.” Kaidan chuckles softly and shakes his head in amusement.
“Should have known you’re a Frank Sinatra fan.”
“Just say I’m old-fashioned, I won’t mind”, she replies jokingly, as if she was trying to hide a grudge. “Laugh it up all you want.”
But instead of laughing, Kaidan unexpectedly puts his hand on Shepard’s cheek; she can feel her heart pounding as he’s tenderly running his thumb over her lips. “I’m not laughing at you”, he replies quietly. The way he’s looking at her with his amber eyes so affectionately makes her feel familiar warmth spreading all over her body; it’s been way too long since she felt it. “I was trying to say that it suits such an old soul.” Shepard leans towards him slightly, waiting for a kiss… And to her surprise (and disappointment), Kaidan takes his hand back and moves away, leaving her hanging.
"Ugh, stop teasing me", she groans like an impatient child, but Kaidan just grins at her and gets up from the sofa. Shepard realizes that a different, much slower song is playing the moment he offers her his hand. One look into his amber eyes and she knows he's dead serious.
"Kaidan...", she sighs. "This is not why I… You know damn well I can't dance."
"Neither can I. But it would be a shame to waste such a nice song, wouldn't it?" It really is nice, Shepard admits to herself – she doesn’t know the song’s title but she’d recognize Chet Baker’s voice anywhere. She glances at Kaidan’s face, at his hand and then at his face again, not sure what to do. Eventually, she convinces herself to give it a go – the urge to feel him close to her wins. After all nobody's watching them, not even EDI.
"I just have to say it in advance…" Shepard stands up in front of him. "I'm sorry."
"As long as we don't step on each other's toes, I say we're good", Kaidan assures her jokingly and wraps his muscular arm around her waist. When he pulls her closer to him in a one swift move, it almost takes her breath away; suddenly she can't help but think that there are way too many layers of clothes between the two of them. Shepard dismisses this thought, placing one hand on Kaidan’s back and the other – on his chest. He’s holding her so close that there’s barely any space to breathe but it’s still not enough for her; she gently puts her head on his shoulder.
"See?” Kaidan puts his hand on hers. “It's not so bad."
And they’re swaying from side to side, quite clumsily and not entirely in the rhythm of the song, but it doesn’t matter at all. For a moment, Shepard forgets completely about the Reapers, the war… She can feel Kaidan’s heartbeat under her palm, strong and steady, as if his heart was trying to tell her: I’m here. I’m here. Right now it’s just two of them. And for a moment, it feels perfect.
They keep on dancing when the song changes and this one Shepard recognizes immediately, even though it feels like the last time she heard it was a lifetime ago.
Everybody loves somebody sometime
Everybody falls in love somehow…
Shepard closes her eyes, trying to focus on the here and now, but she can feel Kaidan slipping away from her embrace; she’s on Mindoir again.
Sixteen years old Celeste is lounging on a sofa in their living room, reading a magazine. On the floor there's Luna, playing with her toys and talking to herself so quietly that her older sister can’t understand a word. The door to the kitchen is partially open; Celeste can see both of her parents sitting by the table, sipping coffee and discussing the newest results of their studies, while Dean Martin's greatest hits are playing quietly in the background. As if she was trying to prove her point, Grace – slim, tall and blonde haired woman with a spark in her eyes – hands her husband a datapad but instead of taking a look, Frank – not quite as tall burly man with an olive skin a signature handlebar moustache – puts it down and gets up. Grace observes him confused, while he uses his omni tool to turn up the volume and this very moment, she understands – his favourite song just came up.
…everybody find somebody someplace
There's no telling where love may appear
Something in my heart is telling
My someplace is here
She shakes her head and smirks at him but when Frank offers her his hand, she takes it. And they dance, slightly too vigorously given their surroundings, Frank's hands wrapped around Grace's waist and hers – thrown around his neck. The height difference between them is apparent but they don’t mind. Not even for a moment they break eye contact, smiling at each other. Celeste can’t help but laugh under her breath seeing how Luna, almost unconsciously, starts rocking left and right to the rhythm of the song.
That was exactly one week before the batarians came to Mindoir.
Shepard can feel her body tense up, not sure whether she wants to cherish this memory or get rid of it once and for all. She’s holding onto Kaidan, almost unconsciously dipping her nails into his skin and fabric of his shirt, as if she was desperately trying not to drown. She thinks of Thane; is that how he felt when he was slipping into his memories? Did he ever feel as overwhelmed as she feels right now?
Kaidan quickly notices that something's wrong - concerned, he moves away slightly to take a look at Shepard's face but before he manages to say anything, she mutters:
"I need a drink."
Shepard storms off to the sofa, drinks what’s left inside her glass in one gulp and buries her face in hands. She can feel Kaidan’s eyes on her, as he’s watching her attentively. He sits next to Shepard, waiting patiently as it takes her a minute or two to collect herself and show her face.
“My parents loved this song”, she answers a question that wasn’t asked, leaning forward and staring off into the distance. “It reminds me of them but sometimes these memories do more damage than good and-“ Shepard can feel her voice is about to break so she stops to take a deep breath. She sits straight and manages to look Kaidan in the eye. “I’m sorry”, she says quietly. “It’s been so many years since Mindoir, I should have gotten over it a long time ago. But with everything that’s happening with the Reapers… It just makes me think about them more often.”
“I understand”, Kaidan assures her, his voice sounding much softer than a moment ago. “Losing your home like that, it couldn’t be easy.”
Home. Here it is, her personal sacred word.
“Yeah…”, she sighs heavily and takes a moment to think of each of her family members: her mom, a brilliant botanist hired to study Mindoir’s plant life. Her dad, a banker who gave up his career to pursue his dream of space travel and leave Earth with his beloved wife. And her baby sister, whom she failed to find after the dust settled.
“I miss them.” Kaidan just nods in understanding and taps his thigh lightly, saying quietly:
“Come here.” He doesn’t need to repeat himself; Shepard closes the distance between them and, instead of sitting politely on Kaidan’s lap, she straddles him - she wants to have a good view of his face. He wraps both arms around her waist, while she’s lovingly caressing his cheek; her olive skin contrasting against his, just slightly lighter.
“Listen, I know it isn’t much of a consolation but I promise you…” He takes a moment to tuck her hair behind her ear. “Once we're done with the Reapers, I'll take you to Earth to meet my family. I think my mum's going to like you.”
"Oh, is she?" The thought of something as mundane as meeting Mr. and Mrs. Alenko brings a smile back to her freckled face.
"Of course", he assures her. "Hell, after all of this is over, you'll be a living legend, great commander Shepard who gathered the biggest army this galaxy has ever seen. I mean, who wouldn't like you?"
"Hmm, synthetics?”, she suggests playfully.
"Luckily, my mom’s not one of them.” Kaidan takes a short pause and adds in a more serious tone: “But seriously, Shepard… When you’re done saving the galaxy again, we’ll find ourselves a home. Some place to come back to, just for us. On Earth, on the Citadel, whenever you like.”
Shepard finds it deeply touching how well he understands her needs. Because if they somehow make it, when she retires or simply resigns from active duty, this is exactly what she’s going to need: a place to belong. A home - real one, not a starship. She looks into Kaidan’s loving eyes and nods in agreement.
“You know…” Shepard runs her fingers over prominent grey hair at his temples. “Ever since Mindoir, I’ve wanted to find myself a home”, she admits. “And I thought I finally did, back on SR-1… But then, when you were gone, it didn’t feel quite the same. My point is: you make me feel at home. I want you to know that.”
"I love you too, Shepard", Kaidan says in a breathy voice. She couldn't ask for a better response to her somewhat sappy confession. With a half smile on his face, he corrects himself: "Celeste." Shepard's not a fan of her first name and Kaidan's aware of that - that's why he rarely uses it, another reason being the fear of sounding too unprofessional among the crew. But at this very moment, she doesn't mind. If there's one person in this galaxy she would allow to call her that, it's him.
Shepard leans towards him slowly and finally her lips meet his. It’s been so long that it almost feels like their first kiss; it's slow, tender, as if they both were anxious to do everything right. But the longer it lasts, the more greedy and intense it gets and the more confident they feel. Shepard moans into Kaidan's mouth as she feels one of his hands sliding down to her butt and the other migrating from her waist to her back. She runs her fingers through his thick hair, gently pulling him closer. Unconsciously and almost simultaneously, they both flare up with biotics, the corona of blue light dancing on their bodies. The familiar feeling of their biotic powers intertwining fills Shepard with comfort. It's like they're connected with this electrifying aura, bringing them even closer together, making their skin more sensitive to each other's touch.
“I missed you… So damn… Much”, she whispers between the kisses. Kaidan breaks the kiss and presses his forehead against hers. His eyes, normally brown, are glowing with blue light.
"I missed you too", he says, almost breathless. "I'm sorry I…"
"Don't be", Shepard interrupts him quietly but decisively while caressing the back of his neck. "Just stay with me tonight. Every night." Kaidan's lips curl into a smile.
“I’d love that. I don't want us to waste any more time."
He tries to kiss her but only manages to brush his lips against her - hearing a familiar tune, Shepard suddenly moves away and turns her head to the side. When she looks back at Kaidan, there's a mischievous smile on her face.
"What is it?", he asks in confusion.
“Come on!", Shepard says, gracefully sliding off Kaidan's lap. She pulls his hand, forcing him to get up from the sofa. "This song's one of my favourites." Kaidan shakes his head in disbelief.
“I thought you hate dancing?”
“I'd barely call that dancing, would you?" Her response only makes him laugh quietly.
"Fair enough", Kaidan admits, taking Shepard into his arms. She buries her head in his shoulder, inhaling his scent… The scent of home.
…say "Night-ie night" and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me