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selina always considered depression and sadness synonymous. she never understood why people would let their lives crumble over something as trivial as being sad all the time.
she had spent the greater majority of her life sad. she kept living.
it wasn’t until her life was nearly taken from her in the span of a few seconds that she recognized being depressed has nothing to do with being sad.
half the time, she didn’t feel much of anything at all. if she did, it settled under a steadfast tightness in her chest, swirling around until it became melancholic.
the hopelessness felt everlasting. the misery, and emptiness, and never ending fatigue threatened to crush her bones and pull her apart from the inside out. but, even this felt diluted. a ghost of what she should feel sliding over body like water.
after the seed she expected to begin feeling again. she expected the perpetual suffering to wane with the numbness in her limbs.
it didn’t.
she still felt alone no matter where she was or who was around. things she never cared about left her shaking and biting back tears. she’d lay in bed all day, a hand on the cold, empty spot designated for bruce.
alfred offered her breakfast and lunch every day. she declined just as often, opting to curl in on herself and try desperately to feel any warmth at all. she was so cold all the time.
she ate dinner every night, if only for it being the single meal bruce often made it home for. even then, she pushed her food around more than she ate it. everything went down thick and made her nauseous.
her hunger during the day never felt comparable to the effort of going to the kitchen. she rarely had enough energy to go to the bathroom, much less prepare a meal.
underneath it all, she was disappointed. she felt guilty. she was hurting the people she cared about, she knew. she saw alfred’s face when she woke up after her attempt in the hospital. she saw barbara’s.
even worse, she saw bruce’s.
bruce, who would spend every moment of the rest of his life breathing life into her. he would wrap around her until their bones intertwined and fused and they were connected irrevocably if it meant he could make her happy.
the boy who was so openly, wholeheartedly, selflessly in love with her she couldn’t bear to think of it.
what she wouldn’t give to love that freely.
today, she would give anything to feel at all. she was cold, and numb, and exhausted.
it’s not that she felt any worse than usual, in fact she felt relatively the same. it was the fact that she had felt the same amount of nothing for weeks. that fact that she could sense a hint of what she wanted to be feeling, but could never force it to the surface.
a small pull in her stomach when bruce kissed her palm or forehead. swell in her chest when he stroked her cheek. a flare of an almost-emotion when barbara came by and hugged her close, murmuring about how she missed her. a flush of color to her sunken, pale face when alfred brought food to her bedside rather than forcing her into the kitchen and squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.
she wished for hours that she could experience any sentiment in full.
unfortunately, her wishes came true in the form of pure, unbridled devastation.
bruce had just entered their room, home late from a long day, and changed into his pajamas.
“hey,” he whispered as he approached the bed, “how are you?”
selina, who had been laying on her side, curled into herself on the verge of dissociating completely, looked up at him slowly and felt herself trembling.
“hey,” he repeated, concern coating his voice, “what’s wrong?”
she couldn’t form words, suddenly overcome with pain. aguish coursed through her veins, leaving a cool burn like ice under her skin. it took everything to keep herself from sobbing outwardly, but she couldn’t hold back the few, small tears streaming down her face.
bruce kneeled next to her, leaning into her space but not touching her. “can you talk?”
she shook her head quickly, acutely aware of her breath getting heavier and shallower.
“ok, that’s ok. show me what you need instead?”
bruce was good at this. he was good at comforting her when she was in constant misery. he knew just how to give her what she needed, how to distract her from her constant dazed state.
he only ever tried to help, even if she didn’t deserve it.
she felt almost sick at the thought, and shoved it down in favor of nodding and reaching to pat a spot beside her.
the corner of his mouth twitched upwards as he sat next to her, brushing a stray curl from her face. selina sighed and inched her way over until she rested her head in his lap.
she closed her eyes and felt another tear run down her cheek. he wiped it away with his thumb and began running a hand through her hair slowly, careful not to catch any knots or tangles.
he’d picked up the habit of brushing her hair after she showered. he’d really been the only reason she’d kept up any sense of personal hygiene.
every night he was home early enough he’d set up the shower for her and convince her to at least rinse off, that it would make her feel better. she sat on the floor of the shower and washed her hair, face, and body for fifteen minutes before changing into a new pair of pajamas and returning to their room.
she sat between his legs as he ran a brush through her curls repeatedly until he wasn’t getting caught anymore. he was all soft edges, kind and careful in a way she’d never experienced. something about these moments were so warm, so personal.
she never felt better in the shower, but she’d spend half a lifetime pressed to cool tile under boiling hot water if it meant she could enjoy five minutes with her spine to his chest and his hands in her hair.
selina’s focus was pulled back to the present as she heard bruce say something.
“sorry,” she muttered, voice rough from disuse, “what’d you say?”
his face lit up at the sound of her voice, even in its current state. “just wondering what you’re thinking about.”
she forced a small smile. “good stuff. i promise.”
“good,” he hummed, pulling her hand up to press his lips to her knuckles. “do you feel any better today?”
her face faltered, tears welling again, but she tried to hold it back, “kind of the same.”
bruce let out a sad, involuntary exhale, and it was enough to break her. she couldn’t handle the confirmation that she was hurting him.
she’d never meant to hurt anyone else. she didn’t care what happened to her, not anymore, but she was too interconnected with other people now. her inability to get better was much more debilitating when others relied on her recovery.
before she knew what happened, the dam broke.
“i’m sorry,” she cried, turning away from him and covering her face with her hands, “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to. i don’t…”
he shook his head, “no, cat, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“i do! i do, because i can’t get better,” she paused, stuttering through deep breaths and trying desperately to keep herself coherent, “i don’t mean to be like this.”
he almost audibly cried at that. “come here,” he pleaded, gripping her free hand, “please, sel, let me hold you.”
he was so sure of her boundaries, so cautious of them. he never pushed, he never even asked to. but months of watching her suffer from a distance had been wearing on him, and he wanted her in his arms. he wanted to keep her close to him.
selina sat up, tucking her head into his neck. “i know i’m hurting you. i know, b, and i’m… i don’t want to.”
she whimpered as he rubbed her back slowly, before continuing. “i don’t wanna die. i don’t. i just don’t think i’m ever gonna be happy while i’m alive.”
bruce tightened his grip on her, despite his fear that the touch may overwhelm her. the confession that she still thought about killing herself all these months later sparked a panic in his chest.
“i can’t make everyone else miserable too, bruce. it’s not fair.”
“stop it,” he begged quietly, kissing the top of her head, “we just want you to get better. we want to help. we love you. we- i love you. i love you, please, baby, you’re gonna be ok.”
she shook her head. “i don’t know how to.”
“i know. i know,” he paused, curling as close to her as possible, “you will one day, i promise. i promise, sel. and i’m gonna be here the whole time.”
she nodded, loud sobs slowly fading into heavy cries as exhaustion set in. “i’m so sorry.”
“don’t be. you’re ok. you’re gonna be just fine.”
a while later, when the waves of despair settled into smooth, stagnant pools of numbness again she whispered shakily “i didn’t mean to scare you.”
“it’s ok,” he assured her, still stroking her back, “we’ll get you better. you’ll be ok.”
and, though she didn’t believe it herself, she murmured a small ‘ok’ into his chest and let herself fall asleep.