Chapter Text
Yeonjun didn't mean to hurt anyone.
He was saving them.
He drove them off the short cliff to save them.
They had problems to escape, and he was happy to say that he helped them escape.
He didn't understand what was going to happen. Or maybe he did, but... it wasn't a thought in his mind.
When Soobin finds Yeonjun about a week after the accident, mumbling nonsense and pacing in his living room, he knows he can't pretend any longer.
For a long time now, all of Yeonjun's friends pretended he was fine. He primarily had episodes where reality didn't seem to make sense to him, among other clear symptoms of something being wrong. But they all pretended he was fine. They loved him still, and they had heard many horror stories of how people were treated in mental hospitals. They didn't want to see him go somewhere for help and get hurt. Pure intentions, bad decisions.
Soobin was getting sick of pretending, and when he was the only one to come out of the crash unharmed, he started preparing himself to break the news to Yeonjun: he wasn't mentally okay anymore. Soobin hadn't expected today to be the day, though.
But seeing his best friend pacing, mumbling, shaking, limping… scratching at bloody, half-open wounds that Yeonjun adamantly refused to go to the hospital for...
It's time.
Someone is dead. There is no more time to waste.
"Yeonjun?"
Yeonjun snaps his head up, as if he hadn't noticed Soobin unlocking the front door with his spare key and entering the house at all. Upon seeing Soobin's face, Yeonjun's entire demeanor changes.
Two seconds ago, he appeared to be in agony. Mumbling to himself, breathing heavily, shaking, scratching. Soobin thought he might have even been crying. Clearly, he wasn't, as Soobin can now see that there isn't a trace of tears around his eyes.
Now, Yeonjun is smiling. He looks... happy? Excited?
Proud.
"Soobin! Soobin, I'm so glad to see you. You saw what I did, right? I saved you all. Where are the others? Did they come with you?" Yeonjun is so excited. He is so proud of himself… and Soobin feels another piece of his heart break off and fall away.
"Yeonjun, we need to talk. Sit down." Soobin gestures to Yeonjun's couch, and the boys sit together. Both of them are sitting up near the edge of the seats instead of leaning back against the soft cushions. Soobin does it first, so Yeonjun feels he should follow suit.
"Soobin, I saved everyone. Isn't that great?" Yeonjun's smile is so sweet. So pure. Something akin to candy, the sun, or a child's laugh. Soobin is astonished to see just how much Yeonjun genuinely believes he has done something good.
"That's the thing. This isn't easy to say, Yeonjun, but you didn't save anybody. Let me explain; just listen to-"
"Yes, I did," The older boy, yet only by a year, cuts Soobin off, "In the car. I saved them all. I saved you. I saved Beomgyu. I saved Hueningkai. I saved Taehyun-"
"Yeonjun, listen to me," Soobin begins to get firm in his tone, "I know you think you saved us, but you didn't. You hurt everyone. I know you didn't mean to, but you did."
"No... no, I didn't."
"Listen, Yeonjun. You don't know what you're talking about," Soobin pulls up his sleeve and extends his arm to show the purple and blue painful spots, "I got lucky; all I have are some huge bruises and soreness. But the others didn't get so lucky. Even you didn't, look at yourself. Your leg is injured, and your arms and abdomen are covered in gashes."
"No, you're wrong! Well, I mean…" Yeonjun looks at his wounds, only slightly disheartened, "Yeah, but… We're fine! These will heal fast. We got away from our problems. I saved everyone-"
"Yeonjun, shut up and listen!" Soobin's voice slowly rises as he speaks until he ends up yelling near the end, "How many times do I have to tell you to listen to me? Honestly, I don't even understand the logic of how driving us off a cliff and crashing was supposed to save anybody. You hurt Hueningkai, he's at home with his neighbor checking on him every two hours, and he can't do hardly anything for himself due to his injuries. You hurt Beomgyu, who is at the hospital with multiple broken bones and blunt force trauma to the head. Who knows what kind of lasting problems that will cause him? And Taehyun didn't even make it out of that stupid car alive! Do you hear me, Yeonjun? I'm trying to tell you that you're wrong. You only hurt everybody you tried to save. No one is okay. No one is any better than they were before. Everyone is far worse. You didn't save us. You hurt us."
Yeonjun's face looks as though it drains of blood at that moment.
"Taehyun didn't... make it...?"
Soobin sighs. He didn't mean to get so heated. He knows Yeonjun didn't do any of this on purpose. He knows that Yeonjun doesn't understand what he truly did. Soobin takes in a deep breath and runs his hands over his face as he lets it out.
"Yeah, Jun," Soobin's voice is significantly lower and softer, "He was gone before we could pull him out. He was losing a lot of blood really fast, and we think something happened internally that made him start suffocating. Eventually, he went totally limp, and then I couldn't feel his pulse anymore when we got him on the ground."
"He suffocated..." Yeonjun's lower lip begins to quiver, "No, no, no… he's gone? And it wasn't at least instant? He- I made him... suffer." Yeonjun's eyes quickly fill with tears. Large drops begin to fall down his face as the real consequence of his well-meaning actions set in. Soobin is unsure what to do, but he lightly places his hand on Yeonjun's knee.
"Yeonjun, we don't blame you. And I know Taehyun wouldn't either. We just want you to get help."
"Get help? What?" Yeonjun uses the back of his hand to wipe away his tears as best as he can, as he tries to regain composure at the same time, "What do you mean by that?"
"For the past two years, you haven't been... all there. We ignored it. We pretended it was okay. We thought we were protecting you by keeping you from-" Soobin starts to choke up. Saying it out loud, right to Yeonjun's face, makes him realize the consequences of his actions as well. "We thought keeping you from going to a mental hospital would be best for you. I am so sorry, Yeonjun. I am so sorry that we neglected it long enough that it came to this point. None of us ever thought- And I know you never meant to-..."
"I need help?"
"You need help," Soobin hears Yeonjun muttering something under his breath, but he can only make out the word 'hurt,' "I'm going to take you tomorrow morning to be evaluated, okay? And they're going to make sure you get the help you need."
"So no one gets hurt again." Yeonjun practically whispers as his eyes leak slow tears.
"Exactly. So no one gets hurt again, not others and not yourself."
Yeonjun sits silent, his face clear that he is processing a lot and trying to make sense of it. As he continues thinking, his tears begin to stream down his face again. His chest moves slow, with large movements, as Yeonjun takes deep breaths to avoid hyperventilating.
Soobin is thankful that Yeonjun seems to understand. This isn't one of those times when reality doesn't make sense to him. Yeonjun heard him, understood what he said, and is now processing it all for himself.
"I killed Taehyun." Yeonjun's voice is so small, like a child admitting to breaking a lamp.
"You didn't mean to-"
"I killed my friend... Soobin, I meant to save him, but instead, I killed him. I'm a horrible person."
"You meant to save him, exactly. Yeonjun, you aren't a bad person; you're just sick. Your heart was in the purest place. You wanted to help him. This isn't your fault. You're sick."
"Has he been buried?" Yeonjun asks with no hesitation. A very sudden question to inject in the middle of his guilt-ridden crying. Soobin wasn't expecting that question. Not yet, at least. He expected Yeonjun to ask that in a couple of hours, maybe.
"Yeah. Near the cliff. We knew that if we called an ambulance and police that you would be arrested, so we buried him ourselves after the crash," Soobin continues, feeling a need to explain the lack of a proper burial, one that Taehyun deserved, "Beomgyu and Hueningkai could barely stand, and you were knocked out cold for a while, but us three were able to do it. I don't know how, maybe just... willpower."
Yeonjun nods. He is clearly still in a lot of pain, but he's trying to mask it.
"Can we go to him?"
Soobin is in shock. He definitely wasn't expecting that.
"Um… Yeonjun, are you sure you want to-"
"I need to tell him that I'm sorry."
"He knows. He knows you, Jun. He knows you didn't mean to-"
"Soobin, I need to tell him." Yeonjun's face is serious. His jaw clenches. There isn't even a trace of doubt or wavering thought in his eyes.
Soobin has to think for a moment. Maybe Yeonjun is ready to see Taehyun already, but Soobin isn't sure if he's ready to see Taehyun again himself. The last time he was at that makeshift gravesite, he was shoveling dirt onto his dead friend's pale body using his bare hands.
However, he swallows his worries. He swallows his feelings. He swallows his dread.
"Go change. It's too cold for short sleeves. I'll wait in the car, and we'll go to Taehyun."