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When Sam was five, they had a babysitter who was getting married. John was on some case and worked something out with the neighbor. It was a short time after the shtriga. Sam doesn't remember that, but he does remember how raw everybody was.
The neighbor would pick Sam up after kindergarten with her kid, a three year old who made Sam play Little Pony with her as Dean quietly freaked out. Sam's pretty sure the neighbor was a hunter, maybe an old hookup of John's. too. She had the air like she'd been some rough places – people don't become hunters for kicks – and still she was there raising a kid all alone, and home every day to have lunch together.
She was getting married, to a nice guy who had a briefcase and hands with no calluses from target shooting. Sam's pretty sure he didn't know about her. Pretty sure she was going to start a new life, a normal one. She was going to move in with him only after the wedding, and they were going to get a puppy, she and Sam discussed the puppy a lot.
One time her kid tried her mother's veil, and ran around happily insisting that she was going to get married and have a lot of kittens. "Mommy had me cause she thought I was cutest, but I will have kittens cause kittens are cutests of anything not ponies that could magic", she told Dean.
Her mom smiled. "Who are you gonna marry, Lace? You wanna marry Mister Bear this time?"
The girl looked around the room, considering. "I'm gonna marry Sam", she announced. "Cause he likes cake and he can have a slice at the wedding if he was good that day".
Sam considered this. He liked cake, and he liked the kid fine, but this was not right. He looked at her, forehead wrinkled. "I can't marry you because I'm gonna marry Dean" he explained seriously.
The girl made a face. "Dean's a boy".
Sam felt pretty protective. "So is Mister Bear!" he reasoned.
The girl considered this, then brightened. "OK! You can marry Dean and I will marry Mommy and Mister Bear and there will be sparkles and shinnies in my hair".
She got them all to play that out.
~
At sixteen, Sam doesn't play with unicorns.
He fills college applications, lies to his family about it and tries to find a way for him and Dean to get out of hunting. He looks at apartment rates around campuses, cheap furniture, part time jobs.
He knows, rationally, that he and Dean are never getting married. Tells himself that marriage has nothing to do with safety. That loving Dean means never being normal, never being really safe.
But when he jerks off, it's to the thought of rings and cake and Dean's glowing face.
Maybe they could get a dog.