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What do I remember? I remember the pain. The pain of loneliness. How other kids used to run and play, laugh. What did I do? I watched from a far. Hoped that someone of them would come to me and ask me to join them. But it never happened. I just watched and waited.
There was a time that I dared to talk to the boys in my elementary school. I said I was just as strong as they were. They wanted me to prove it and I did. I lied on the ground and let them jump on me. I didn’t cry even though it hurt. Not only psychically, but also mentally. It was humiliating. After a while they stopped and I stood up. My new jacket ruined, holding my tears back. They didn’t respect me after that, they laughed at me even more.
I’ve always known I’m different. That’s not news to me. For example I’ve always loved needles. When there was a shot I was excited. But the other kids lied and said I cried. I didn’t try to deny that, I knew the reality would make them hate me even more.
In my past there’s been short friendships, but they all ended quickly.
I remember when I was attending one of my ‘friends’ birthday party and we watched a Disney movie. All my friends talked how they wanted to date the princess, she was so pretty and you could protect her from the monsters. I didn’t understand it and said “Why do you want to date the princess when the prince is more handsome? He could protect me from all the monsters and evil in the world.” They all stared at me in disgust and stood up, not wanting to sit next to me anymore, I was too weird. That was end of that friendship and I learned not to bring up my attraction to other boys.
At that time I was young, only a child, I didn’t understand why it was wrong to like the same sex. I didn’t even realize others didn’t feel the same way until that day. But after that party, I never brought it up when I tried to make friends.
Elementary school was hell for me and I couldn’t wait to go to middle school, I was sure it would be different. But it wasn’t. I was alone. Maybe I’m stupid, but I didn’t lose my hope. High school people would understand me. There everyone would be older and there had to be at least one that had to accept me as I am.
For years I waited that day that middle school would end. Loneliness was my only company. Other kids didn’t notice me unless they were picking on me. I endured it. I had to. Every cloud has a silver lining, I just had to wait for mine to appear.
Finally the day came and I walked through high school doors to a new era. I was full on confidence. I had new school bag and supplies, carefully picked clothes and I even dyed my hair for the first time the earlier day. No more dull black, but delicious honey blond with highlights. I was for the first time truly me. Nothing could take this moment away from me.
I stared at the map of the school and tried to find my home class room. The bell rang and I felt panic rushing through my veins. I really couldn’t understand the damn map. Desperately I tried looking at it in every angle while running in the empty corridors. Somehow everybody else knew where they were supposed to be except me.
After running for a good fifteen minutes I finally found my home room. Without thinking I opened the door and rushed inside. And then I froze. More than 20 teens staring at me and teacher with piercing eyes judging me.
“I… I’m sorry I’m late, I couldn’t find my way here.” I stuttered and bowed as quickly as my shocked body let me.
“Takashima Kouyou I assume. Go and sit, fast.” teacher’s words were filled with ice and it made me shake slightly, but I did as I was told.
I soon noticed that in my class had many familiar faces from my past. I hadn’t expected that. And I wasn’t happy seeing them. I was supposed to start something new today and it didn’t include those bastards. But I could handle this. I wouldn’t let them get them get me down. Not this time.
“Psst. Hey queer, why were you late? Too busy taking your boyfriends cock up your ass?” I pretended that I didn’t hear that, but I couldn’t stop the crimson color rising up my cheeks.
“He’s blushing! It must be true!” Another teen whispered rather loudly. I tried covering my face behind my hair, but it didn’t word as well as it used to because the new cut.
“Quiet and pay attention.” I was thankful for the teacher making them shut up. This wasn’t starting as I thought it would.
Through the class I could feel the stares in my back and hear the whispers. They were judging me again, telling lies. My faith in this new era was starting to fade.
As the bell rand I quickly gathered my belongings and left the room as fast as I could. I wanted to be alone. Then no-one could hurt me anymore. I ran to the roof, I knew where it was because my earlier wondering around the school. I ran the stairs up and opened the door to sunny outdoors. I collapsed on the ground feeling tears gathering in my eyes. This was too much. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. I was certain that even now, my old mistakes were spread around the school so before the second period everybody would know what kind of person those bullies thought I was.
“Want a cig?”
My head snapped up as I stared startled a boy a bit older than me offering me a cigarette. The boy was almost as tall as I was, he had shoulder length black hair and a piercing on his lip. I don’t smoke, but he was offering.
“Okay.” I took one and he light it up for me. I sucked the cancer stick dreading that I would stark coughing like a loser I was. But it never happened. I blew the smoke out and loved the feeling of success. It didn’t taste that bad either, menthol taste lingering on my tongue.
“So, what’s bringing you down so early?” the unknown boy asked sitting beside me.
“I met some familiar assholes and I’m sure they’re going to ruin my life here.” I sucked another breath from the cigarette with more self-confidence. “Just like they have done for whole my short life.”
“I know those kind of people quite well, don’t mind them. They just have so boring and miserable lives themselves that they don’t have anything else left than trying to ruin other’s lives as well.”
I stared at my hands letting the cigarette burn by itself. “I just wanted something good for once to happen to me…”
“Maybe it already happened?” The boy smiled at me. I was a bit taken back by the comment, trying to understand what the other might mean.
“What are you saying?”
“Maybe we were meant to meet here and become friends? Us against the fucked up world and those bastards that try to make it even worse?” With that the boy hugged me briefly. “What do you say Uruha?”
“But my name isn’t Uruha.” That was all that my dumfounded mind could come up with.
“Well it should be. You really are beautiful, inside and out I’m sure of that. And I’m good reading people.” I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks again and I ducked my head down in reflect.
“I am Aoi by the way.” Aoi said and lifted gently my head back up, staring straight to my eyes. I felt lost in those dark eyes for a moment.
“So what do you say?”
“Okay.” And for the first time in my life I wasn’t alone.