Work Text:
Vi was crying.
Going twenty miles over the limit, in the dark, she couldn’t think. Claggor’s calming voice over the phone hadn’t helped. No matter what he’d said, her mind continued to spiral until the worst possibility was the grim truth and nothing was stopping her.
She was hours away. Visiting family for the week. Caitlyn had encouraged it. Said it would be healthy to take some family time since they’d just moved a month before. Said, “I’ll be right here when you get back.”
Vi wasn’t so sure.
The drive was nerve wracking. She tried to blast music to help her focus, but that only distracted her further. She continued in silence, tears now dry and brain numb, wrecked and in ruin by all the possibilities she’d shot at it, wrung it through like a filthy rag, tainted with the worst.
When she pulled into the hospital, the necessary surgeries had already happened. Her leg wouldn’t stop bouncing in the elevator, stickered name tag already peeling from her hoodie at all the movement she couldn’t stop.
‘ 516, 516, 516…’ Vi held herself back from jogging, not wanting to startle the early morning staff as she walked as fast as she could to Caitlyn’s deathbed, final resting place, the place where she lost everything.
A monitor let out a high beep, as though signaling her entrance. Vi hesitated, seeing Caitlyn with a neck brace and an oxygen mask over her face. Her heart squeezed so tight she thought she was going into cardiac arrest. But she was breathing. She had to be okay.
Moving to her side, Vi pushed Caitlyn’s hair to the side.
“Oh, hello,” a small voice piped up from behind her, quiet. Vi turned to see a woman in scrubs. “I’m Sky, I’ll be her nurse this morning. Who might you be?”
“Uh…” Vi’s voice was lost, torn, ragged. She tried to clear her throat and speak up, but it only made her sound worse. “I’m Vi, her emergency contact.” It felt more important to say that than girlfriend, knowing hospitals only let family and assigned people in to see patients.
“I see.” Sky moved on quickly, checking a clipboard hung next to a large whiteboard that held Caitlyn’s name, medical doses, and other things Vi couldn’t focus long enough to read. “Sorry, would you mind waiting in the chair while I run her vitals?”
Vi nodded wordlessly, collapsing into the chair next to the bed. She watched, numb but so full of nervous energy that she might combust. Sky noted down numbers from the monitor onto the clipboard, checked the IV drip and another bag hung next to it.
“Is there anything I can get you?” Sky turned to her.
Vi startled, not expecting to be spoken to. “Um. Some water, please.” Sky nodded and returned short moments later with a plastic cup. Vi cleared her throat and downed it in seconds. “Thank you… do you… do you know what happened to her?” Vi’s heart hammered.
“We were told by paramedics that she’d been hit on a crosswalk.” Sky said softly, compassionate and empathetic. “She was flown here shortly after and taken care of. She’s stable.”
Vi breathed a sigh, not quite relief. “Do you know if she’ll make a full recovery?”
“Hard to say right now.” Sky looked back at the clipboard, “Looks like we’re still waiting back on some test results, and we need to get a CT scan when she’s well enough. For now, we’re monitoring her healing.”
Vi nodded.
That sounded right.
She didn’t want to get her hopes up, but Caitlyn wasn’t dying. Her mind couldn’t quite keep up with the emotional whiplash of the past few hours.
Sky bid her goodbye and left Vi alone. The monitor beeped every fifteen minutes. She checked her phone, numerous texts giving her positive wishes, asking if she was okay, hadn’t died on the way there (from Mylo). A text from Caitlyn’s parents pulled her to actually respond.
Caitlyn’s parents were the first to hear the news. Shortly after her first text, they’d called her. They asked questions she didn’t have the answers to, but she made a mental note to ask the nurses about them later.
Next were Mylo and Claggor, if only for her to tell them that she made it safe. It was a miracle she hadn’t been pulled over, Claggor said. Vi had cut down on drive time by nearly forty-five minutes.
Powder was next. Vi knew she would still be asleep for a couple more hours, but wanted to let her know that no, she wouldn’t be seeing her for lunch that week. She’d be back in town another time. She hoped she would understand.
Messages taken care of, she called her boss, letting them know that she wouldn’t be in for a few days due to family emergency. What happened? That’s personal information and only a need to know basis.
Vi spoke quietly, but even so, she heard the sheets shift as Caitlyn moved her hand. She was on her feet in an instant, hanging up on her boss. “I’m here, Cait,” she said softly. Vi was scared to touch her, not knowing what hurt and what didn’t. Caitlyn’s eyes opened, foggy and unfocused. She seemed to recognize Vi, but only showed it when her hand slowly came up, searching.
She was so gentle, wrapping her fingers around Cait’s. She gave the briefest smile, the weakest squeeze, before her eyes closed and her hand went limp. Vi’s heart raced in a panic but she was still breathing. The monitor kept her heart rate on visual view. Vi held onto that fact like a lifeline.
It was a few hours later, Vi’s phone was dead and she busied herself with some of the magazines on the small shelf by the chair. A woman walked in, white lab coat labeling her as a doctor instead of a nurse. She smiled and nodded to Vi.
“We have some news. I was told you’re the person to come to,” she said. Vi nodded. “We got some test results back from the bloodwork. Everything is healing normally. She has a few fractures in her pelvis, along with torn ACL and meniscus. There was a hairline fracture along her collarbone along with severe whiplash, but those are the worst of her injuries.” She prattled off more words, medications, that didn’t mean a thing to Vi, but she helpfully gave brief descriptions of all the things she knew most wouldn’t understand. “She’s got some head trauma as well, which we’ve yet to explore fully until she can stay awake. She knows who she is and what year it is, so we don’t expect it to be too bad.”
Vi nodded along, exhaustion beginning to take its toll on her as she hung onto every word, trying to commit them to memory.
“I’m going to try to wake her up now, see how she’s doing.”
Vi nodded. She was going to get a headache.
“Miss Kiramman?” The doctor grabbed the hand that wasn’t stuck with an IV, giving it a squeeze. Caitlyn’s eyes opened slowly, blinking. “Do you think you can try to stay awake for me? Squeeze my hand if you say ‘yes.’ Good.”
She went about various tasks, trying to get Caitlyn to wiggle her toes, touching her limbs to see if she could feel them, all in a communication of squeezes.
Vi was relieved. Despite Caitlyn being unable to talk, she could still understand and give responses to questions. Vi would take all of the small victories.
“You can go back to bed now, sorry for disturbing you.” The doctor turned to Vi then. “We have a cafeteria downstairs, but feel free to order room service as well with the phone,” she gestured to the phone laying next to Cait’s pillow, alongside the remote for the bed, and then left.
There was no way Vi was leaving the room, so she opted to pull the lever on the chair, leaned back, and fell into a fitful sleep.
~
“Vi?”
Caitlyn’s croaked voice startled her from her thoughts. It was late evening now, the sunset pouring color into the room. She stood, moving to Caitlyn’s side immediately. She grabbed her hand and rubbed her thumb along the back in soothing circles.
“I’m here, Cait. I’m here.” Vi’s voice sounded like rust being scrapped from the tailgate of a truck, but Caitlyn still smiled behind the mask.
It seemed she’d spent all of her energy just waking up and speaking, because she fell back asleep only moments after.
‘ I have to be strong,’ Vi thought. ‘ I have to be strong for her. Because if I’m not, I’ll never be strong enough for myself.’
~
Vi collapsed onto the hotel bed. The hospital had visiting hours, and the nurse insisted that she was only going to get a poor night’s sleep if she tried to stay. Not like she could argue, she only had the chair to work with, and nurses coming in throughout the night would definitely wake her up considering she was having enough trouble falling asleep as it was.
She wanted to stay. Her heart couldn’t handle being away from Caitlyn right now, but it was for the good of both of them, she kept telling herself. She wasn’t going to be any good to anyone if she was too exhausted to hear anything the nurses had to say, let alone understand it. She was everyone in Caitlyn’s life’s line of communication.
It didn’t take long to fall asleep, but it was shaky at best. She kept waking up to dread, paralyzing fear gripping her heart in a cold sweat.
The shower made her feel better, scalding water helping clear her head. She booked the same room for a few more nights, grabbing a complimentary toothbrush and toothpaste from the front desk. She may not feel presentable but it might mean something if she could at least look the part.
That effort had to speak for something, didn’t it?
The visiting hours hadn’t begun yet, so Vi busied herself. She went out and got a few changes of clothes, a phone charger, a handful of snacks, though she doubted she would be able to eat anything. She still had a few minutes left, even after going back to the hotel to change and drop off her items. She was waiting impatiently in her car, a new water bottle gripped in one hand, the phone charger wrapped around the other.
She headed in early, the same man at the desk she’d seen the morning before. He greeted her and handed her the ‘visitor’ sticker that was sure to fall off within the hour.
The day went much the same as before, with hardly anything from Caitlyn outside of some slow, weak hand movements. Vi felt like her insides were turning to mush.
Vi couldn’t eat. She’d tried, but the bag of chips was tossed into the trash in a fit of quiet anger. At herself, for leaving. At the person who’d hit Caitlyn. At the world, for allowing this to happen to one of the kindest people Vi had ever met.
She found herself pacing the room. Caitlyn’s parents were going to arrive tomorrow, with all of the questions they had that Vi couldn’t keep track of. All of her energy was spent dedicated to being there, in the room. It didn’t matter that she spent most of her hours sitting silently in the chair, watching Caitlyn’s hand for any sign of movement. It confused Vi, to a degree. She’d known grief, when Vander passed. She hadn’t been able to speak to anyone for days following the burial.
This was different, somehow. Caitlyn wasn’t dead, she was alive . Why did Vi still feel like she was grieving? She should feel happy, relieved. But the sight of her in the hospital gown, absurd traction socks on her feet, brace around her neck, mask over her face… Vi took a shuddering breath.
Caitlyn was so strong. For all the times Vi would wake up with nightmares, through the loss of Vander, through the move, when Vi broke down in debilitating fear at moving away from her family. Caitlyn had been her rock. An all encompassing presence that made Vi’s worries melt away with her words. Her comfort, in those hard times. Now she felt… empty. No, that wasn’t right.
She felt gone. From the world they lived in. Caitlyn wasn’t here, she was somewhere else, in the depths of her mind. Vi’s thoughts circled around the phrase head trauma so many times she made herself sick and dizzy.
Maybe she should try to eat again.
~
She managed to hold down soup from the cafeteria. It helped clear her mind some, taking her out of the spiral she’d found herself in. ‘ Strange,’ she thought. ‘ One bowl of soup and the world seems a bit brighter.’ The shadows in the room didn’t jump out at her as often. The sun warmed her skin by the window, and she basked in it, trying to get some semblance of… normalcy wasn’t the right word. She was trying to feel okay .
Nurses came and went, and towards the end of the night, Caitlyn woke up again. More coherent, it seemed. Her head shifted on the pillow and there was a small intake of breath, triggering Vi to look up. Caitlyn’s eyes were clearer, still hazy, but she was taking in her surroundings now.
“Vi?”
“Hey…” Vi held down her tears, throat catching around the claw that had grasped it shut a day ago. “Hey cupcake.”
“Where…?” Her voice croaked.
“You’re in the hospital, you were… you were hit by a car.” Vi’s hand wrapped gently around hers.
“I was… oh.” Caitlyn’s eyebrows drew down, confusion coloring her expression.
“How do you feel?”
“I… tuh… tired…” Her eyes began to droop again, energy spent.
“Sleep, Caitlyn. I’m right here. I’m with you.”
~
Caitlyn’s parents came and went, spending the day with her while Vi recuperated in her hotel room. Knowing someone was there with Caitlyn helped her sleep easier.
Over the course of the next few days, Caitlyn was staying awake longer and longer, no longer needed the oxygen mask, and even managed to eat on her own. The neck brace had been removed, but her leg was now wrapped in a thick plastic brace of its own. Getting it into the brace had been hell and a half. Vi gently, slowly, carefully, lifted her leg so the nurse could slide it underneath, but no matter how gentle she tried to be, Caitlyn still gasped in pain, tears streaming down her cheeks. She cried, and Vi’s heart broke. She continued to cry, after the brace was in place, after the pain medication had been administered.
It wasn’t enough. Caitlyn pleaded, asking for more, and all Vi could do was watch helplessly as they shook their heads, saying they’d given her all they could.
Vi had to remind herself to stay strong, to not buckle under the pressure on her heart. When Caitlyn moved the bed into an upright position, she braced her hands on either side of herself and tried to shift her body to become more comfortable.
It ended in more pain filled tears, and Vi whispering “Easy, easy, easy,” as she pushed the hair from her face. Sweat made it stiff, dark with grease. She was so pale. So pale. Vi gulped, shoving down the lump in her throat that seemed to make its home there. ‘ Strong. I have to stay strong.’
“It hurts…” Caitlyn whimpered, breaths coming short and fast, turning into a sob.
“I know… I know baby I know…” Vi looked away, gathering her breath. “Just keep still,” her voice wavered and she fought to keep it under control. “You’ll be okay.”
~
Little victories kept Vi going. When the physical therapist came by to examine Caitlyn’s mobility, she didn’t cry anymore. That didn’t stop Vi’s heart from squeezing in her chest when her face twisted in pain, taking deep controlled breaths.
It was a victory when they finally removed the catheter. Caitlyn couldn’t make it to the bathroom on her own, but Vi was with her. Every step of the way. Her initial instinct had been to try tossing an arm over her shoulder, but the nurses assured her that the walker would do just fine.
Getting in and out of bed was a chore bordering on torture, the way Caitlyn’s face would twist in pain when her leg was moved. Neither of them trusted the nurses when it came to helping her from the bed. All it took was one nurse, moving too quickly with far too little care causing Caitlyn to cry out, “Stop! Stop it hurts!” with tears pricking her eyes and a pained sob wracking her chest. Vi was filled with a fury she couldn’t act upon, and instead guided that energy towards care. After that incident, none of the nurses complained about Vi staying overnight. Something about not being able to help everyone at once. And it’s better that someone was there who knew how to help.
It was a small victory when Caitlyn asked for a bath. No, she wasn’t going into the shower any time soon, but the nurses brought a wash basin and towel. Vi gingerly wiped away the days of oil and grease, taking special care near her hip and shoulder. When she was done, she began massaging the muscles along Caitlyn’s arms, her neck, her leg that wasn’t restricted. Vi was happy to provide any comfort, and continued to do so until the day the doctor agreed that she could be released to home care.
“She’s doing well,” she said. “We’ve provided the list of medications as well as the schedule for them. She’s going to be in a lot of pain for a while. We suspect it will take at least a month before she’ll be able to walk again, and that’s with support of a cane or walker.”
Vi nodded. She seemed to be doing a lot of that over the past few days.
With a quick text off to Cassandra, Vi took Caitlyn’s hand. She was sleeping peacefully. As much as Vi hated how much she slept when she first arrived, she prayed that Caitlyn would sleep as long and comfortably as possible. Even though she put on a brave face, Vi could see the pain in her eyes when she was awake. Every moment was filled with something Vi couldn’t comprehend, but she wished she could take it all, bear it under her own skin, in her own bones. Doing that couldn’t be nearly as bad as listening to Caitlyn when she would wake up, whimpering in the night. Whispering her anguish into the quiet room when she thought Vi wasn’t listening.
They were trying to wean her off of the painkillers. Vi hated them for it.
~
When Caitlyn was home, she spent days in their bed. Vi bought extra pillows to prop up against her back, more ice packs than she ever thought one household would need, and anything and everything Caitlyn asked for. Chocolate? Done. Pad Thai for dinner? Name the restaurant. But there was nothing she could do to help the pain.
Vi felt guilty when she took time to go to the gym. She didn’t like being away from Caitlyn. Not now. ‘ Never again,’ Vi thought. But Caitlyn practically shoved her out of the house with her glare and a quick, “I’d like some peace and quiet to myself too.”
She wailed on the punching bag, venting her frustrations against doctors and medication and legal work she couldn’t wrap her mind around. No matter how many times she hit the bag, no matter how badly her arms shook with exertion, the feeling in her gut wouldn’t go away. She couldn’t work it out of her system, like a thing that had become a part of her. Vi took it with her everywhere, a malicious tumor that ate away at her insides.
It was a week later, chest heaving on the floor of the gym as she fought to catch her breath, when she realized what that thing was.
‘ I almost lost her.’
It was the first time she’d thought those words. Accepted them as they were. They were the fact of her life now. Not just a “close call” or “graze.” Caitlyn almost died. Could have.
She ran to the nearest trash bin, hurling what little of her lunch she’d forced down.
~
A month later, Caitlyn was struggling to remain standing upright, but she was managing.
For a few seconds.
She gingerly lowered herself back onto the bed.
Vi smiled.
Little victories.
~
Two months later, Caitlyn was managing to walk with a cane. She struggled with steps, having to place both feet on one before moving on to the next. One hand gripped a handrail while the other held tight to Vi’s forearm, braced for her weight.
That little thing in Vi’s stomach seemed to shrink away with every small victory.
One day, after a particularly exhaustive walk up and down their driveway, Caitlyn asked, “Did we… We just went for a walk, didn’t we?”
Vi’s brows drew down, concerned. “Yeah,” she replied. “LIke, five minutes ago.”
“I thought as much but I… I don’t remember it. I feel
tired
so I know we did something, but I don’t remember.”
The little thing was back.
~
“So there’s not much you can do right now?” Vi asked. A voice responded on the other end of the line. Her chest tightened, the monster that lived in her chest now writhed gleefully. “Got it,” her voice was tight. “Thank you.”
She hung up, refraining from tossing the phone into the wall like her body willed her to do, but she had to be strong. Had to be strong, had to be strong. A mantra that kept her going because Caitlyn was the one going through pain, not her. She shouldn’t be acting like this, destructive and hateful. Frustration built inside of her, the volcano that covered Pompeii would have shook under the weight of her gaze.
Telling Caitlyn things she didn’t remember wasn’t the problem. Vi would tell her the same story fifty times if she’d only ask. It was the fear of not knowing just how bad the head trauma had turned out to be. They were waiting on results from an MRI and Vi felt the monster within her goad her, taunt her. It settled in her stomach with the weight of the world, daring her to stand and bear it.
When she got to the point where she just couldn’t take it, when she wanted to scream and cry and lose her voice with the force of the weight on her soul, she ran.
She ran like the monster was a thing on her heels, not dwelling within her. She pushed herself until she could barely walk up the three steps onto their porch, until she had to sit in the shower because her legs couldn’t support her anymore.
She didn’t know how to deal with this… whatever this was. There wasn’t a name for it, not that Vi could place. Frustration, anger, fear, trepidation, call it whatever fits best because Vi stopped trying to name it weeks ago.
~
“Short term memory loss?”
“Yeah,” Vi husked. She hadn’t been able to sleep. “The doctor thought it was the pain meds they were giving you originally. Said it tends to make folks as forgetful as it does sleepy. It wasn’t until we got home and you were just on ibuprofen that we really noticed.”
Caitlyn looked down at her hands, eyebrows drawn in a familiar contemplative look. She tried to flex her left hand, but there was nerve damage in her shoulder that only allowed her to close it halfway. It was getting better with physical therapy, but she still struggled to raise her arm any higher than her shoulder.
Vi was ragged. She felt like a mad wolf’s chew toy, stuffing torn out and the remains torn to shreds.
Caitlyn nodded, “I see.”
They sat in silence. So much silence. Too much for Vi’s liking over the past two months. There was always an air now, thick and hard to break through but for what reason, Vi couldn’t tell. At this point, she was just trying to stay awake, stay alive, live two lives as she fetched and did everything Caitlyn asked of her without a single complaint. Not once did she ever think of turning down any of her requests, no matter how tired she was, no matter the task. Not that Caitlyn asked much of her anyway.
She didn’t have the ability to process anything. Vi spent each moment awake thinking of Caitlyn, what she might need, what she was feeling, trying to play light words to lighten the mood. But then Caitlyn would try to hold a book in one hand while turning the page with another and it would fall to the blankets, the page lost.
Caitlyn put a hand on Vi’s head, gently brushing through the wet hair from her most recent shower that had made her feel worse more than anything.
“Thank you, Vi. For everything.”
“You don’t need to thank me, cupcake. I’m always here for you.” Vi’s response was automatic but genuine, even if the tone was flat and insincere. She was just so tired…
“I do, I do need to thank you Vi. Because you’ve been looking after me, all this time without a word of protest…” She cupped Vi’s cheek, tilting her head to meet her eyes. It felt like the first time Vi had actually looked at her since she arrived at the hospital. Color had returned to her cheeks, but her face was thinner, arms skinnier. “But… who’s been looking after you?”
“I don’t -” Vi’s voice halted of it’s own accord. “I-I don’t-” She tried to look away. Caitlyn’s gaze forced an honesty out of her she didn’t want to speak. Couldn’t.
Vi finally let the tears spill.