Chapter Text
Training Camp—
Depending on someone. Sakusa Kiyoomi prided himself for his independence, achievements and skills. What happens when your greatest desire is your biggest fear?
It started with eyes catching for a second. Just one second. And that was all it took to flip Sakusa Kiyoomi’s life around. He was just a confused teenage boy who was merely curious. Not knowing the damage it would make, he let himself get hurt, but of course he didn’t know that then.
He had just arrived at the Ajinomoto National Training Center, stepping into the gym— mask firm on his face. The squeaking of shoes slamming against the shiny floor was not helping his migrain, nevertheless he ignored the light thumping on his temple and proceeded to set his bag on the floor. While he was looking around the gym his eyes came to meet a patch of mustard yellow.
Miya Atsumu, he thought. Allegedly the best high school setter in Hyogo. Their eyes met for a split second before Kiyoomi quickly looked away, realizing that he had been staring.
Soon after, they settled into teams and started their first training sessions. Thankfully, Miya wasn’t on his team which meant he didn’t have to panic about interacting with him for now. Although the strip of relief he had felt died down once he —yet again— made eye contact with Miya across the net. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he got into position and waited for the sound of a whistle.
Why had he been so intimidated by him? Had it been that striking blond hair or his perfect form?
—
Turns out the rumors were true, Miya was an exceptionally talented setter. He precisely hit every ball and was aware of his teammates surrounding him. Honestly, what did he expect? Getting accepted to this camp was no joke. He shook his head, pushed all the thoughts of Miya away and stalked his way to the showers. As he entered the locker rooms to get a clean towel, he stopped dead in his tracks at the echo of an orotund voice. Miya Atsumu. As quickly as he could, he turned around —walking towards the exit— when he heard the sound of his name, rolling out of Miya’s tongue in that same strong and confident pitch. He turned his face to reveal a shirtless Atsumu, towel hanging low on his hips. Kiyoomi couldn’t help the way his eyes skimmed over the muscular figure, he was in fact a bit jealous. Seventeen and a body looking like that.
“Hey, I noticed yer spikes. Damn, I gotta say I was surprised. You must be Sakusa Kiyoomi?” Atsumu said, looking at him attentively.
The sudden huskiness of Atsumu’s voice startled Kiyoomi, the words dying in his mouth.
Then Kiyoomi finally said, “Yes that would be me, I'm assuming you’re Miya”, his tone falling rather flat.
“Oh common now! You can just call me Atsumu” he said, waving a hand in front of him.
“I'd rather not, thanks”
Kiyoomi was not having this conversation right now, he was sweaty and needed a shower as soon as possible.
Atsumu laughed and put a hand on his chest, acting hurt, “Ah don’t be mean Omi-kun, that really hurt.”
“Do not call me that,” he glared, “Why are you even talking to me?”
“You’re interesting, I like it…” He trailed off, eyes catching his.
Kiyoomi rolled his eyes attempting to hide the blush flowing onto his cheeks, thankfully his mask had already done the job.
“Whatever, Miya” he scoffed and started walking away.
“It's Atsumu!” The boy called after him, and Kiyoomi didn't look back.
That was the first time he talked to the boy, expecting nothing more than that annoying stuck up personality, he couldn’t have been more wrong.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
He was now standing in line in the cafeteria, waiting for his turn. Fortunately, he hadn’t seen Miya since the awkward encounter in the lockers, which for some odd reason he couldn’t stop thinking about how he had insisted on being called “Atsumu”. Lost in thought, he didn’t realize when the tall woman serving food was calling him to pick out his dish. Embarrassed, he decided on a simple meal —tuna onigiri and a bowl of miso soup.
One he had a tray in hand, he scanned the room, looking for an empty table. When he finally found one, he sat down and quietly ate his food. As he was taking a bite of his onigiri, Kiyoomi felt the presence of a heavy weight settle next to him and the clatter of a tray.
Could it be..? Oh God please don't tell me it's… he thought.
To Kiyoomi’s surprise, his instincts were right. There sat Miya —smirk on his face— looking right at him.
“Hello again, saw ya sitting here alone and thought I might accompany ya” Atsumu said in a thick accent.
“I am not lonely.”
Atsumu studied his face before smiling prominently, “Well I don’t see anyone here.”
“Yeah and I'd like for it to remain like that” he threw back, looking the other way.
“Hm..no. I already said I was gonna accompany ya”
“Lucky me” he said flatly, giving up on any attempt to drive the blond away.
Kiyoomi resumed to eating his food, trying to mask the anxiety building in the pit of his stomach. He noticed Atsumu inching closer to him, at first he thought he was just imagining it but it wasn’t until Atsumu’s thigh was practically touching his, he knew that it must've been on purpose. They sat in an uncomfortable silence, the sounds of chewing the only thing audible.
Atsumu swallowed, took a second, then looked up at Kiyoomi and broke the silence.
“I know you’ll probably say no but I'm still gonna ask anyway,” he paused for a moment and then met Kiyoomi’s gaze. “Wanna walk outside for a bit?”
Kiyoomi stiffened. “And why are you asking me this?”
“I don’t know, ya seem cool and I like talking to ya.” he shrugged.
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know that either! Okay enough questions, ya going or not?”
Kiyoomi didn’t know what washed over him but he found himself saying yes before his mind could even process his own thoughts.
They got up —threw their scraps in the trash— and scurried towards the exit door. The sound of crickets became audible as they stepped into the eerie moonlight. It was rather chilly and Kiyoomi shivered as a gust of wind hit their faces. He sank his hands in the pockets of the jacket he was wearing and started walking alongside Atsumu. They walked in silence for a few minutes, both afraid to say anything. They’ve just properly met each other earlier that day, so why is it that they’re now walking together —alone— at night? If he were being honest, Kiyoomi felt weirdly intrigued by Atsumu. Throughout his life, Kiyoomi was fairly lonely, his parents were busy working and his siblings were too caught up in their own doings to pay any attention to him. The only person he could rely on was his cousin, Komori. And now here he was with a witty bleached blond haired boy who had made a strong effort in befriending Kiyoomi. Perhaps he was feeling pitiful? The boy was so unlike Kiyoomi—confident, loud, cocky—he found it rather odd how someone like Atsumu would want to spend their time with someone like him.
“So Omi-kun, wanna be friends?” Atsumu said, breaking the awkward silence.
And that damn nickname.
“What do you mean?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed.
“I said I would like to be yer friend. Ya know? Like a mutual bond.”
“I know what a friend is dumbass, but why me?”. The very same question that Kiyoomi found himself asking since his first interaction with Atsumu. Why did he stop me at the lockers? Why did he eat with me? Why did he ask to go on a walk with me? And now why is he asking him to be friends?
“Do I really have to explain myself? I don’t know, yer really challenging. This might sound weird, but I've never met someone like you before, someone so .. closed off..? I mean. It feels like I have to break that blank expression of yours. Make you laugh, smile..uhm” Atsumu said, brows furrowing as he tried to place his thoughts together before turning his face the other way in what seemed like embarrassment.
Kiyoomi paused, took a deep breath and swallowed.
“..Okay? We could do..that. Yeah..friends..” his words faded as he tried to swallow —again— all of a sudden his throat was feeling very dry.
“Really? Wow okay,” Atsumu let out a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.
Another gust of wind hit them and they shivered in sync.
“Ya know Omi-kun, we should really go back inside”
“Yeah it's getting cold”
Once Kiyoomi was in his dorm and tucked in his bed, he laid there—staring at the ceiling—repeating the conversation he and Atsumu had outside.
I've never met someone like you before..
Make you laugh, smile..
The feeling was bizarre, someone attempting to be friends with him? He still couldn’t believe it, perhaps he had just imagined it all. Kiyoomi still couldn’t figure out why he had accepted, he suspects it has something to do with the way Atsumu approaches him so effortlessly. That night, Kiyoomi drifted off to sleep with his mind full of Atsumu.
—
He woke up the next day with a bright sun streaming through the blinds of the windows right onto his face. He really hated the sun, it was far too bright for his eyes to handle. Today they were switching teams which meant that Atsumu had a great chance of being in the same team as him. Which turned out to be the case.
“Hey Omi-kun! We’re in the same team now,” Atsumu grinned at him.
“Please don’t call me that”
“Ya know ya like it, Omi-Omi”
He didn't get the chance to respond because the coach had already blown the whistle insinuating that the game had already begun.
He really couldn’t explain what he had felt when Atsumu tossed the ball to him with a quick ‘Omi-kun’ and Kiyoomi spiked the ball with a force that only he could obtain due to his overly flexible wrists.
Turns out that had been the winning point and he found himself getting hugged by none other than Miya Atsumu. He blinked in surprise, stiffened at the sudden contact but Atsumu didn’t seem to notice as he was already pulling away, smiling brightly at him.
“That was nasty Omi-kun!”
Kiyoomi cringed. “Don’t refer to it like that”
“Common on! That was so cool! The way your wrist bent like smiishh” He said, bending his wrist attempting to replicate Kiyoomi’s.
He was taken back by the way Atsumu’s eyes were all big, sparkly and excited and that the same reaction had been caused by him.
He swallowed, took a deep breath — he found himself following the same routine every time Atsumu did something like that— and simply smiled. Not a very big one, just small enough for the sides of his mouth to wrinkle.
Atsumu’s eyes widened yet again. “I made you smile!,” he laughed in victory. “Ha Omi-Omi I promise I'll make you smile wider than that! Just you wait.”
Kiyoomi pursed his lips in a tight line to stop himself from smiling again, he was letting Atsumu get close —too close— and he didn’t want to allow it, yet he never stopped Atsumu for it was too forgein, too tempting. He wanted to discover more of it.
——————————————————————
On the third day of the training camp, things were getting...messy. It started with Atsumu commenting about the two moles that sat on top of Kiyoomi’s right eyebrow, ‘ahh your moles are so fascinating, one right on top of the other’ he would say. Or when he caught Atsumu staring at him in the lockers after a shower.
He didn’t think much of it, perhaps they were just silly little tricks of his imagination.
They were now seated at a table in the far left of the cafeteria, eating their food— another routine he had fallen into. The past three days consisted of: practice, showers, eating together, and finally a nightly stroll.
“So Omi-kun, had much luck with any girls?,” Atsumu asked after swallowing the last bite of his meal.
Girls...huh. Kiyoomi hadn't given it much thought really, he supposes there really wasn’t much to think about. His main priority had been volleyball and keeping up his grades to get into college, in hopes of making his absent parents proud. Dating was really never an option in his head, he found it rather useless and unnecessary.
“Not really, I don't think about that stuff.”
“Haven't had your first kiss yet?”
He was seventeen, he still had time, not that he cared.
“No, I have not, have you?” he challenged.
Atsumu’s face sank into a frown.
“No, not yet” he sighed, shoulders dropping.
“Guess that makes two of us,” Kiyoomi said, taking a bite from his onigiri.
“Yeah,” Atsumu whispered.
Kiyoomi was the last to finish, he noticed that Atsumu had the tendency to eat faster, and was far less quetier than him, always humming when he ate. While on the other hand he ate cleaner with small precise bites.
They walked outside, the pale crescent moon shone like a silvery claw in the night sky.
Usually, they would walk in circles until one decided it was time to go back, they would talk a little or sometimes not at all. Although neither seemed to mind the lack of discussion, in fact it was oddly comforting. With each step they took, many words were spoken and both of them understood what the other was saying, but out of fear, ignoring it was best.
“The stars are very visible tonight, looks pretty” Atsumu whispered, so low it was barely audible.
Kiyoomi turned to look at him only to find Atsumu already staring at him. They stared at each other for a moment —neither of them could look away, as if an invisible hand had been holding their heads in place.
“It does look beautiful,” Kiyoomi whispered back, staring at the stars that reflected in Atsumu’s brown eyes. They stood there, eloped in their own little bubble, the outside world become blurry as Kiyoomi’s eyes focused on the little shine of Atsumu’s very own.
Once Atsumu looked away, Kiyoomi felt a little tug in his heart, he didn’t know why he felt sad but he figured it had to do with something unrelated and definitely not because of Atsumu. He knew that was a lie, and yet he never acknowledged it because —again— he was too afraid.
Fear is an emotion that controls us, making up excuses for that very thing that scares us.
—
The fourth day came by and they were already half way through the week and training was bound to come to an end. It was amazing how much Kiyoomi had improved these past four days, not just him, everyone too.
After practice, he overheard Atsumu taunting Kageyama about being a “goody two shoes'', the look on the poor boy’s face made Kiyoomi giggle a bit, he soon came to regret it when Atsumu snapped his head towards him, in shock. He managed to roll his eyes and walked away, with Atsumu trailing right behind him.
“I made you laugh! Ha!”
“I didn’t laugh, stop exaggerating also I wasn't laughing because of you,” Kiyoomi sighed.
“Yes you were! I saw you staring! What was so funny anyway?”
“Kageyama, the look on his face,” Kiyoomi started giggling again, and Atsumu looked like the happiest boy alive. “Can’t you believe he beat Ushiwaka-kun”
Him and Ushijima had been good acquaintances ever since middle school and he found Ushijima to be a very strong player so it just surprised him how someone from a lower school had beaten him.
“Hm yeah winning to Shiratorizawa is no joke” Atsumu said, distantly.
“Anyways, what are you going to eat today?” Kiyoomi asked, changing the subject.
“Hmm I'm not sure, I heard from Hoshiumi that they have really good sashimi…” Atsumu trailed off, as they walked towards the food line.
After they picked out their food, they sat down at their usual table and began eating. It was nothing special really, but Kiyoomi had learned to love it, how they just ate there in unison. It was comforting, how relaxed he felt and just how included Atsumu made him feel, most times no one really bothered approaching Kiyoomi, maybe he was just too intimidating.
They heard a clatter of a tray and quickly snapped their heads towards the sound. Luckily it was only Komori, Kiyoomi’s cousin, who he has been ignoring because he’s been teasing him about Atsumu. Which is why Komori was probably here for.
“Thought I’d find you two here,” Komori remarked. “So care to explain why you've been together so much?”
“Miya here forced me to be his friend,” Kiyoomi said, bluntly.
“I didn’t not!”
“Omi-kun wanna be friends?” he mimicked Atsumu.
“Oh? Omi-kun is it now?” Komori arched a brow.
“Yeah whatever, I didn’t force you though,” Atsumu pouted.
Kiyoomi stared at Atsumu —who had his arms crossed, with a pout on his face. Recently, looking at Atsumu made his cheeks feel warm and his chest feel strangled. He admired the way Atsumu’s eyebrows would furrow— deep in concentration— or how his tongue would poke out, the way his eyes would shine after a perfect set. Atsumu was always so expressive, always making faces. They were so unlike each other and yet they had so many underlying similarities, Kiyoomi just wished he was more like Atsumu, maybe then his parents would validate him.
He was cut off from his thoughts by the sound of Komori aggressively clearing his throat.
“Okay, I'll leave you guys alone now. Bye.”
Kiyoomi ignored him and continued eating his food while Atsumu waved.
—
It was now the fifth day of training, Kiyoomi was going insane and Atsumu had been crossing boundaries. Well not crossing boundaries per se, but he was getting eminently touchy. It started with him slapping Kiyoomi in the back and then his fingers would linger on his shoulder or Atsumu would lightly rub circles around the fabric, once, twice, thrice. It happened again in the lockers— right after a shower, when droplets of water were dropping from Kiyoomi’s hair, landing on his neck, traveling down to his back and onto his legs.
Some touches would last for only a split second but the electricity of Atsumu’s rough skin on his lasted an eternity, the way every touch would shoot through his back and into his veins to the point he felt almost drugged at his proximity.
When it was time for dinner —Atsumu sat closer this time. His thighs burned hot against his and as much as Kiyoomi tried to distance himself, he couldn’t move. His breath would hitch whenever Atsumu shifted his weight and the smooth skin would graze his. With a loud clear of his throat— he would unnoticeably scoot further away and pretend like nothing had happened.
Kiyoomi had a hard time trying to pinpoint his feelings, why did he react like that everytime Atsumu touched him? Surely, a normal person wouldn't even think twice about it. And what made him even more confused was that it was Atsumu who made him feel all tingling and warm. Miya Atsumu, a boy he envied because he was everything Kiyoomi wanted to be. But now he was suddenly remembering Atsumu’s true self —cocky, loud, boisterous— and all of a sudden, his food didn’t look too appetizing.
Gradually, he got up from his seat and threw the rest of his food in the trash can. And to his bad, absolutely horrible luck, Atsumu followed right behind him.
“Why did you leave so suddenly?”
“I just felt like it,” Kiyoomi answered sourly.
“Hey what's gotten into you today? You’ve been distant and weird. Did I do something?” Atsumu asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine, Miya.”
“Well you sure don’t sound fine. And it’s Atsumu.”
He didn’t bother correcting himself. “Whatever, let’s just go outside.”
Tonight the stars were brighter, they shined across the dark sky and lit their pathway. In some way Atsumu reminded him of that brightness, but his spark was brighter almost like the sun. He was a big ball of fire, sometimes so bright that Kiyoomi had to cover his eyes and look away. He knew that if he stepped a foot closer— he would burn and burn until there was no piece of him left remaining.
They walked for what seemed like forever until Atsumu halted and the squeaky noise that the sole of his shoes made with the damp grass stopped.
“Hey Omi? Wanna look at the stars tonight?” Atsumu requested, his voice soft and gentle as if he was afraid of what Kiyoomi would think.
And before he could answer, Atsumu had already seized him by the wrist and pulled him towards the ground next to a tree, its leaves starting to grow as the spring approached. They laid in the cold grass, staring at the starry sky.
“The stars are lovely tonight, aren’t they Omi?” Atsumu said in a low voice.
Kiyoomi slightly turned his head to look at Atsumu, but Atsumu had already been gazing at him, just as always. Atsumu —as the dazzling stars projected onto his face, making his features more prominent—truly looked remarkably beautiful. The yellow moonlight glistened on his perfect skin, creating a glow that Kiyoomi so desperately felt like reaching over and touching, letting it ignite him.
He breathed in the misty cool air and dreamily said, “They really are”.
The sour mood he had before had completely disappeared, it was quite pathetic how it took just one look from Atsumu.
The stars in Atsumu’s eyes sparkled and Kiyoomi wished his stomach didn’t clenched at the sight of it. They stared and stared, and all he could do was stupidly swallow and keep looking. And before he knew it, Atsumu carefully placed his hands on the sides of Kiyoomi’s face and leaned in.
The kiss was soft, hesitant, so gentle as if Atsumu was too afraid of hurting him. He could feel the tickle of his own breath, the hand on his cheek moved down and settled at the nape of his neck—rubbing up and down at the pale skin. Atsumu shifted closer, Kiyoomi's body went weak and he didn’t know what to do with his hands so he cupped Atsumu’s face in an attempt to make his position less awkward. Kiyoomi felt hot, his chest alight and his whole body burning. After a few seconds, he felt the tip of a tongue shyly graze his bottom lip, and he made a sort of raspy sound— he felt Atsumu's body tense against his. They pulled away, their foreheads touching, both panting so hard trying to catch their breaths.
Atsumu rubbed his hand up and down Kiyoomi’s back in a soothing, comforting motion. Then he laughed a little.
“That was something, huh?” He said, pulling Kiyoomi into a hug.
Kiyoomi felt himself smile so wide his cheeks hurt, and he hugged Atsumu tightly—melting into the hug.
They pulled away and admired each other, like it was the easiest thing in the world. Atsumu, whose eyes were hazed and cheeks illuminated by a tiny blush. Atsumu, who to dear god, looked beautiful. Being with Atsumu felt peaceful and he felt alive as if someone had flipped a switch in Kiyoomi’s brain to make him forget all his concerns and responsibilities. He had known the boy for merely days and yet he already felt like Atsumu had claimed property in his heart, uninvited.
Atsumu leaned in for another kiss but Kiyoomi turned his head away from him.
The sudden realization hit, I kissed Atsumu…his heart beat went into a fit, his palms began turning hot and sweaty and every bit of tranquil he felt seconds ago vanished, replaced with panic. An extremely painful expression began forming onto his features.
“Hey, Omi? Are ya alright? Was it bad?”
Atsumu tries to reach his hand out to comfort him but Kiyoomi slaps it away and gets up.
I kissed Atsumu. I kissed Atsumu. I kissed Atsumu. I kissed Atsumu. Oh god, what have I done?
“Omi? Tell me what's wrong, '' Atsumu said, expression now meeting Kiyoomi’s.
“It’s nothing, I have to go,” He said quickly.
And without another word, he leaves Atsumu alone in the darkness—standing pathetically as he tries to reason what he did or said to make him so upset.
He almost let himself get burned by the flames of Atsumu, and he acquiesced to it so easily like a fool.
—
The next day, he doesn’t spare a glance at Atsumu, let alone a word. He could feel the intense stare of Atsumu’s confused honey eyes burn holes into his back. Ignoring him, he proceeded to rotate positions and resumed their game, but as he tried to receive a ball, he accidently let it hit the ground.
“I apologize,” He murmured, hands feeling light, “my thoughts were elsewhere.”
He doesn’t miss the surprised stares from the team. It was extremely rare for him to make a mistake, he always maintained focus and always hit the ball as fast and hard as his wrists could, every ball tossed his way was never gone unappreciated.
After he had made it out of practice—sweaty and tired— and as he was walking to the lockers he bumped right into Atsumu.
“Hey..what happened yesterday?” he asked, looming over Kiyoomi’s body as if he were trying to trap him so this time he couldn't run away.
“Nothing, Miya. What do you want? I’m in a hurry” Kiyoomi sighed, his mask moving with it.
“Why aren’t ya talking to me? I thought we were friends,” Atsumu’s voice cracked.
He wanted to tell him that he’d never had a real friend before, never, not a real one. Until Atsumu. He wanted to tell him how he made him feel tingly, nervous, happy and afraid all at once. How even in this short amount of time, he would never be able to forget Atsumu, he wont forget his bright eyes and how they looked at the stars with delight, or his thick Kansai accent, his absurd yellow hair and most importantly of all, the way Atsumu held him last night, like he truly meant it.
He wanted to, he really did but his tongue wasn’t able to.
“We were never friends, we only knew each other for a week, can't you realize it?” He said rather impatiently.
“But I thought we-”
“You thought wrong, goodbye Miya.”
—
It was the last day of training camp, Kiyoomi and Atsumu simply ignored each other and no one even batted an eye.
As he was leaving the building with Komori beside him, he caught a glimpse of Atsumu and— without warning— they made eye contact. Kiyoomi knew that look, the light shake of his eyes, distant and gloomy, his heart jumped in his chest.
He shook his head and suppressed all thoughts of Miya away,or at least he tried to. The single thought of that night under the stars still lingered in Kiyoomi’s mind, Atsumu’s red cheeks and hazed eyes. Atsumu and his stupidly ugly beautiful face. That was the first time he had run away, running from the chaser who had made him feel things he had never felt.
Beauty is terror. Whatever we find beautiful, we quiver before it. And to Kiyoomi, beauty was Atsumu.