Work Text:
life has slowly been fading into a monogamy of greys and blacks. waking up is a chore. food tastes more bland than saltine crackers. no hobby or interest that once made your face light up with excitement feel that way anymore. they invoke no emotions from you. it was clear that you had been struggling for quite some time now, but was it so bad that you had become blind to your loved one's needs and emotions?
long before things reached the degree they did, you had met someone in your college creative writing class. the teacher had assigned partners for the entire semester, meaning there would be little room for not liking who you were grouped with. nonetheless, you were optimistic of this. it would give you the opportunity to meet new people and maybe make more friends.
you were partnered with a taeyang yoo. considering he was a transfer from korea, you had never seen him before. he was quiet and reserved when you first spoke, asking you nothing but things pertinent to the course and what boundaries you needed to make for him. it was rare for a man to be so considerate of someone's feelings where you lived.. which made him stick out to you even more. upon speaking to him more about things outside of the course, you discovered he had a passion for singing and dancing. if he hadn't transferred to the states, he would've pursued a career in kpop. he made it hard to not be interested in his life, but you made it hard for him to not be interested in yours as well.
you both became very close over the next three months, going out to lunch at various places so he could get the "full american experience" while he was here. taeyang would go into everything with an open mind, even when you showed him walmart for the first time.
"why are the people so badly dressed?" he asked, walking beside you with his hands cautiously shoved into his pockets.
"well... walmart is like the trash can of grocery stores, so no one wears nice clothes here unless they have someplace to be," you carefully explained. you'd just hoped he wouldn't hate walmart, since you come here pretty frequently and kind of hoped he would accompany you.
he would show you his favorite places in korea as well, just not in the same sense. the way he would get so excited over sharing these places with you captivated you in a way nothing else could; even if it was through poorly photographed reviews on yelp and google. occasionally, he would have his brother mail out snacks for you to try together. everything he showed you quickly became your favorite thing as well. something he would make and bring to you quite frequently was kimbap.
the more you hung out with taeyang, the harder it became to not catch feelings for him. from the beginning, you thought he was the most attractive man you had ever seen. that was saying something because you had high standards when it came to men. eventually, it was an issue. you were still working with him on the novel for your class, there could be no distractions between the two of you. but you cracked. you found yourself thinking of him every time you had a moment to yourself. when your eyes closed all you could see was his precious smile. every little thing you did somehow traced back to him. never in your life has someone intoxicated your brain as badly as taeyang had, and what made it worse was you were extremely unsure if he reciprocated.
the night air was biting at your cheeks as you ran across the apartment complex to the side taeyang was living in. your hair was flowing crazily through the air as your feet clamored to the floor before you were met with the door to his apartment. door number 9. it was early in the morning, so you very lightly knocked on the door. it didn't take long for him to answer either, but it looked like he was woken up. muttering a quick apology, you grabbed his arms and pulled him into you, holding onto him like he would turn into dust any second.
he began to question why you were here so late and what was wrong, but before he could finish the latter half of his sentence you were already speaking, "i'm completely infatuated with you, taeyang. there isn't a waking moment i don't spend thinking of you and the little things you do that make my heart flutter and my cheeks hurt."
clearly, he was taken aback, but it was even more clear that he reciprocated with how the corners of his lips slowly turned into a wide grin. the next few minutes were spent in his backyard, watching planes and helicopters fly around.
life had a whole new color for you. going to sleep felt like saying goodbye for an eternity. food had honestly never been so delightful to taste and make. you were investing more in hobbies because they were all things that you could involve taeyang in. you had never been so happy in your entire life. you woke up in the morning almost everyday with the most treasured person and you got tomake that person breakfast and laugh at him when he would get crumbs and sauce all over his clothes and face when he ate. everything felt like pure bliss. it honestly felt like a dream, something that you would write in a story.
your relationship helped your novel, even. you two were secretly writing the book about yourselves, the format being each chapter was from the perspective of one of the two characters; the characters were really them with different names. it was like writing a highly descriptive diary but your partner was included and nothing was a secret. what only sucked was some of the things you wrote weren't things to be discovered second hand. it had caused a minor rift to start between the two of you. you stopped reading taeyang's entries along with yours. very often you pondered if this was something that could last with how things were going between you. you were everything taeyang ever wanted in life and he didn't want to let you slip through his fingers so easily. he was willing to fight for you, but you were losing hope.
it hurt knowing that you hurt your best friend the way you did. despite it being such a minor thing you did, it was really affecting the way you perceived your boyfriend. you now saw every flaw in him. from how he would sit on his phone all the time to how he acted like a child when things didn't go his way. you still loved him, but you were being hard on both him and yourself. to only make things worse, you had lost your childhood friend to her own hand, and things were getting harder and harder for you. like the universe had all odds stacked against you.
instead of seeking help and communicating with taeyang, you picked up unhealthy habits and locked yourself in the guest room of your apartment, only leaving for essentials. taeyang was there for you through the entire thing. driving to the store, picking up your medicine, making sure you ate and brushed your teeth everyday. you never realized how much he'd helped you through things until this time. you were blind to how taeyang felt though.
taeyang was always one to feel very strongly. sadness was more pain and happiness was like an angel kissing him. he was strong though. despite feeling the same way you did, he powered through for you. he'd hoped that seeing him so bright and cheery would eventually rub off on you but to no avail, it didn't. it hurt seeing the love of his life so upset and ruining her mental and physical state over it. it got so bad that he began to blame himself for why you were feeling the way that you were. he couldn't take it anymore. without the proper reassurance he needed from you, he was convinced that if he had left your life then things would be better for you in the long run. so while you were deep asleep, he gathered his things from the apartment and put them all into his car. a few days before, he had bought a one-way ticket back to korea. maybe things would be better for him there.. he could be the kpop idol he wanted to be. before leaving, he went into your room and placed a gentle kiss on your head, brushing your hair out of your face and pulling your covers closer to your face to keep you warm. and just like that, he was gone.
waking up, the apartment felt immediately empty. going out into the main room, you noticed that it was more clean but things were also missing. you began to ponder if you were robbed, and panic consumed you. frantically, you ran into the room you previously shared with taeyang, your eyes confused as they scanned the now empty room. his paintings were gone, all his studio equipment, his clothes. once you saw the piece of paper on the bed, your heart sank. you knew what happened. he finally left.
"y/n,
i'm terribly sorry that i wasn't able to provide for you in the way that you needed. i wish that i could've done more to improve your condition but i just didn't know what you needed. please do not be alarmed of my things being gone. this is honestly for the best, and i'm sorry i couldn't say this to your face. i just knew that you would fight for me to stay and i can't handle seeing you cry.. you know i would've stayed. i feel that if i were to leave your life, then things would be easier for you. i've taken notice of how things have just been hard for you since we started dating. i just hope that things improve for you. this isn't an excuse for me to leave you, either. i still love you very much. maybe we'll meet in another life, but for now this is farewell. thank you for being the best person to grace my life, and teaching me so many things in such a short amount of time. you are such a strong willed person, and i truly believe that you can conquer the beast that you are battling right now.
do not ask anyone where i've gone, as i've not told anyone where i'm going or what i intend on doing. i've changed my number as well, so there's no point in calling or texting. i'm so sorry, again y/n. this isn't because of anything you did, just that i feel i am weighing you down. please take care of yourself, darling? i miss you already.
-taeyang"