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And if somebody told anyone about living for the little things are better than doing the same for the bigger ones. Believe them. Living for the same ray of sun visiting you every morning. For the flowers that would wave its petals along the wind once you’d see it. Or, for the spring that only comes for months every year. The sun and its lone yet scorching light.
Or… live for the little things like glances, head-patting and brown eyes getting showcased by the sun.
“Ji?” As soon as he opened his eyes, a pair of doe eyes met his’ as if they were really watching him for minutes. Hyunsuk scrunches his nose, surprised with the ray of sun suddenly seizing his attention aside from the sun sitting right beside him, laughing at his reaction. He was about to slap the latter’s right hand, but was stopped with the wires all over his hand and body.
It was like he was the one who slapped himself back to his senses.
He was dreaming earlier. About him seeing the aurora borealis. With Jihoon. Or that part when he bought himself a kite to make it fly over the clouds as part of his bucket list before. With Jihoon. Even that one where he rode a cart in an amusement park for the first time. With Jihoon. For some reason, he can remember all the parts of his dreams if Jihoon was there to watch over him as he enjoys the things he didn’t get to experience. His dull childhood suddenly got swept away in between those times Jihoon nodded at him in his dreams, approving him that he can enjoy the little things offered by his dreams.
Bad thing, dreams cannot be offered back in real life.
At the end of the day, he can’t really take those chances he really wanted to set for himself not because it wasn’t worth anything, but because it costs him more than life.
Jihoon’s happiness.
He knew that if he ever escape Jihoon’s sight, and do something stupid just to enjoy – he’d end up hurting himself and Jihoon would hold himself accountable for that because he had always thought that Hyunsuk’s life cannot be risk. He cannot lose him. And Hyunsuk didn’t want to risk something that costs Jihoon's happiness.
His life.
“You should know when to be sweet, Jihoon.” Hyunsuk frowns while firmly closing his eyes continuously. He heard a chuckle from the latter which made him open his eyes, before raising a brow at him.
The first thing that caught his eyes were Jihoon’s bags suddenly became more evident, and he’s not wearing his glasses. His hand on the hospital bed, gripping onto something that made Hyunsuk curious. He tilted his head and squinted his eyes, but to his surprise, Jihoon hid his right hand. “What was it?”
“Nothing.”
Hyunsuk squints his eyes at his lover as he sits up from the bed, leaning towards the man. “Park Jihoon.”
To his surprise, Jihoon formed a thin line with his lips before saying,
“You’ll know later.”
He pats Hyunsuk ‘s head.
“I’m taking you somewhere, okay?”
Jihoon took the man’s left hand and kissed the back of his palm, staring at Hyunsuk’s eyes as it totally lost its shiny orbits, and left with dark bags as if his sleepless nights feeling the same pain is now paying off. He glances back to the lips that only draws the smile only an angel could pull off, becomes duller than before. He misses the latter’s cheeks once Hyunsuk pouts unconsciously. Jihoon looked at his loved features, and he realized that he witnessed how it lost its sparks.
But not his orbs.
“Really?” Hyunsuk smiles, letting all the sparkles that everyone thought were already gone, be shown once again. “Where?”
Oh , hear how Jihoon’s voice lost its supposed tone when he was about to say something. Hear him slowly breathing in and out, calming himself down as he tries to meet his lover’s eyes.
“Somewhere… you’d find peace, Suk.”
Hyunsuk’s eyes never have ever lost their sparkles: perhaps, the universe signed up to be up inside his orbs every time Jihoon would peek over. Every time he would drop to Hyunsuk’s sight, no angel could ever compare to him once Jihoon made him smile. He would never muster any courage to compare anyone to his man for having the happiest smile anyone could ever have.
And he’s seeing it again.
At least, for the last time.
Jihoon looked around them, and there he saw Hyunsuk’s family surrounding a figure drifting to the deepest form of slumber as they all cried in grief and sadness. The whole white painted room scattered all those kinds of sobs as a few of their friends cried as well, some were on the floor while some went outside to cry in silence.
“Time of death: 8:21 AM.”
His gaze shifted back to the blur figure holding his hand, smiling at him while he tried to get up from the bed. After successfully getting up, his face lightened up with the realization that he can finally stand up after months of being bed-ridden. Hyunsuk looked back at him with an ineffable smile as he tilted his head.
“With you, right?”
Jihoon just smiled.
And he didn’t answer.
It was enough for Hyunsuk to half his step, he looked straight at Jihoon’s eyes after examining the all-white attire of the man before nodding as he could finally understand it.
“It must be hard,” he shifted his gaze onto Jihoon’s left hand where a board was on his grip, a list of something. “To be assigned as one of His trusted angels, hmm?”
That was Jihoon’s cue to suppress back his tears as he purses his lips, not knowing what to say, he couldn’t open his mouth. This was the first time Hyunsuk actually saw him, despite being his own guardian angel. Don’t get him wrong, he pleased the higher ups to make him assigned to guarding Hyunsuk ever since he got the chance to be an angel himself.
Perhaps, he just wants to have it. The permission to not get his memories erased. That’s why he did his best to be one of His trusted angels and send people to their last resort whilst being Hyunsuk guardian angel.
Imagine how much pain it will cause him once he send Hyunsuk to the afterlife knowing that the latter would get his memories erased, and Jihoon’s gonna end up the only one with the memories the both of them have safely gained before.
He had been eyeing and guarding Hyunsuk for the past 5 years after the accident. Sadly how he had always taken Hyunsuk to any of his appointments without being late to his meetings, or fetch him back to their home ironically reflects this moment where he needed to be the one that would send his lover to the afterlife where no memories can be taken.
He felt a tap on his head, and it made him look right back to his man. Hyunsuk was still smiling.
“You’re doing good, you know?” He tilted his head amidst all the crying inside the room, Hyunsuk calmed down. “For 5 years, I’d always see you in my dreams. That’s when I realize that you’re still guiding me. And you still want to teach me more things about life through those dreams you have appeared.”
Hyunsuk held Jihoon’s face and formed a small smile.
“Out of all the chances you’ve take to give me some heads up about the life I’m about to take for the past 5 years, I would always remember the words you have said 8 years ago,” he stares at the ceiling as if he’s trying to flash the images of Jihoon wearing their graduation attire whilst taking pictures, he said something about the spring. “That every living moment I have in my life, I should learn how to appreciate the little things.”
“And believe me, every little thing started to remind me of you. For a year before catching the disease, I have lived. Perhaps you already know that. I have lived for the little things, like not just for the sunsets of every first day of the month but for every 5 am and 6 pm of my daily life. I thought, that’s what you meant when you said, I should live for the little things.”
Hyunsuk chuckles before looking at Jihoon, a genuine smile on his lips.
“I realized that you meant that, in every little thing I acknowledge, I’d get to realize what life is all about; realizing things that surround you and how they’ve done something to shape you into something not appealing in someone else’s eyes, but to yours. Because by then, you already know how much you’re worth and why opinions shouldn’t ever be glorified by you. It teaches you that you can focus on little things, and won’t think of anything bigger than the things that surround you and adore you. Perhaps,”
The smaller guy pointed at the bright portal across the room, before looking back at Jihoon’s crying eyes that slowly made him break down. But he stayed still then,
pats Jihoon’s head.
“You will always be those little things that surrounded me for years, and shaped me into something tougher than who I was 6 years ago. So, thank you.”
He looked at the list of people he’d be sending back to heaven, and saw Hyunsuk’s name.
Hyunsuk locked his eyes onto him before asking him something.
“If things didn’t go according to your plan as an angel, find me. Make me remember all the things I am supposed to remember all my heart even after life, and maybe by then… We can go where our peace blooms.”
The taller figure watched the smaller one slowly stepping his foot onto the portal, and a turn is what all it takes for Jihoon to cry even more.
“I love you. I have learned a lot from you, Ji. Take the little things with you, okay? And thank you for sending me somewhere for the last time, I would miss your company, you know?”
Then the portal disappears. Hyunsuk was gone. And Jihoon was alone. He succeeded on sending his lover not just in his workplace like before, but somewhere that would forever me out of his reach, and he would never get a chance to fetch him back.
He’s not in the hospital anymore, but on the same roof where he wished to be dead many years ago.
He looked at the sun, and smiled at it as he whispers,
“You’re lucky. You’re part of his little things.” Jihoon opened his right hand, and saw the ring he kept for 5 years as he didn’t get to give it to Hyunsuk because mayhap,
It is Jihoon’s one and only little thing that would instantly remind him of Hyunsuk and his smiles.
After all, he can be dead and he would still live for the little things: Hyunsuk.
He knew that Hyunsuk would do the same. So, maybe. If things are better the next time they meet, then life will be worth living: life will start somewhere only him and Hyunsuk know.