Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They say men and women can never JUST be friends. You always wanted to prove them wrong with your relationship with Bucky. I mean sure you harbored a crush, but you locked that up deep in the pits of your heart because you knew he only wanted a friendship, which is good enough for you! But, one night you both lost yourselves in each other, and even though you locked up those feelings, you couldn't help but realize your little crush was more like undeniable love. You had hoped that Bucky felt the same way, with the way he slowly made love to you that night. He made you feel things you have never felt before and spoke words that made you believe he felt the same. However when you woke up the next morning you were alone and your heart broke. You found out he went on an emergency mission with Steve, but he couldn't have woken you? Left you a note, shoot you a text, something? 

You took that as his answer. He didn't feel that way about you, and it broke your heart into pieces. You knew you should have never have gone there with him, and the fact that you had no communication with him for a week didn't help the voice in your head that he didn't care. So, you did what you do best, and avoided him when he came back. He did try, you gave him that, but you didn't want to hear the "let's stay friends" speech. You heard it in your head plenty of times during the week he was gone. After a few weeks, Bucky finally stopped trying to talk to you and accepted the space you were requesting. It sucked because you missed him, but you knew that you both needed space. Maybe after a few weeks your feelings will subside and you and he can be friends again.

A few weeks after THAT night you came down to the kitchen to grab some food before you started your day. When you walked in you saw an unfamiliar woman standing at the stove in just a t-shirt. You stopped in your tracks because: A) you did not know this woman, and B) that shirt looked very familiar. You cleared your throat, which caused her to turn.

“Uh, hi. Who are you?” You ask cautiously.

She gave a small nervous smile, “I’m Ashley. Bucky’s girlfriend," she said.

Your breath was caught in your throat. Surely she was just one of his flings he has been known to have, because your Bucky didn’t do girlfriends. Just as you were about to question her, the man of the hour walked in behind you wearing black sweats that hung low on his hips and no shirt.

“Hey doll, I’m back,” he said toward Ashley, completely ignoring your presence.

He walked up and kissed her, which made you feel like your heart broke into a million pieces. Also you realized he called her “doll”, which was your reserved nickname. You felt the tears pooling in your eyes and quickly left the room. Bucky saw you leave and felt slightly guilty, but you have ignored him since he returned from that mission and he was hurt. If you didn’t want to be with him, or even be friends with him, then he would find someone else that did. Yes, he knows no one will ever compare to you in his heart, and he wishes you knew how much he wanted to be with you, especially after you slept together. But you completely distanced yourself from him and never let him express what he was feeling. You obviously regretted sleeping with him because it was just a one time thing for you, but so much more to him.

You ran back to your room and threw yourself on the bed trying to quiet the sobs that popped up. You should have told him the truth that night and not waited until morning. Should have told him you were in love with him while he made love to you. But you were so scared he didn’t feel the same, and you would be right where you are now. You couldn’t help but continue to sob as you think about how you lost not only the love of your life, but also your best friend. Maybe you shouldn’t have slept with him. Maybe you did take a step too far.

—

When you came back down again, after washing your face, you see Bucky and his girlfriend sitting in the common room. Bucky looked up and saw your bloodshot eyes, which only proved to him that you were crying when you left. He felt a tightening in his chest thinking he caused you to cry, but it confused him as to why you would care. You didn't want him as a friend or anything else. He only was following your lead. He needed answers, now.

You did your best to ignore the “happy” couple as you walked into the kitchen to make yourself some food. You didn’t hear Bucky get up from the couch and enter the kitchen. “You okay?” he asked quietly, trying not to scare you.

You tensed at the sound of his voice. You refuse to turn and look at him but just give a short “yup” in reply. You continue making your food, acting like he wasn’t there, wishing he would leave you alone. But Bucky comes and stands next to you.

“I can tell you were crying, doll. Please don’t lie to me,” he says reaching out to touch your shoulder.

You glare up at him stepping away before he could touch you, which makes him drop his arm in defeat. “First of all, never call me that name again, since the name and I mean jack shit to you! And second, it’s none of your damn business why I am crying Barnes. So back the fuck off!” you yell before turning with your food and leaving the kitchen.

Bucky stood staring at the spot you were just standing in shock. You've never spoken him like that, and yeah he ignored you earlier and knew you would feel some sort of way about him calling Ashley "doll", but you were totally overreacting. He has had enough of your shit and was going to get answers from you whether you liked it or not! He followed you to your room, ignoring the calls from Ashley. He went to open your door, it was locked. He banged on the door.

“Open the goddamn door Y/N!” he yelled. You stayed silent which only fueled his anger.

“Don’t make me break it down. We need to talk, now!” He called to you again.

You open the door slightly, looking angry. “What do you want?” You say angrily.

Bucky furrows his eyebrows and pushes through the door, closing it behind him. “What the hell is up with you? You have completely distanced yourself from me, and now you are acting like I did something wrong?” he says annoyed.

You can’t help but roll your eyes. “It’s none of your business what is up with me. Maybe I just realized what a total asshole you are, and I didn’t want to be around you anymore!” You say, regretting it immediately.

Bucky took a step back and glared at you with hurt in his eyes. “Ya know what? Fine! You regret what happened between us and don’t want to be around me? That’s just fine! Fuck you Y/N! If you regretted it, you should have said something! But don’t go around acting like you are the fucking victim when you did this! I told you we shouldn’t do it, but you wanted to. Now you can’t even stand me. Obviously I am the one that didn’t mean shit! Consider our friendship and whatever else I thought we were, over!” He said before turning on his heels and leaving you stunned as he slammed your room door.

You stare at the door, anger and hurt surging through you. Why is he acting like the victim? But if he wants to officially end your friendship, then fine. Fuck him too!

Chapter Text

You avoided Bucky like the plague for the next week. Anytime he entered the room, you made sure you got out of it as soon as you could. You didn’t want people to see how hurt you were when he ignored you, so avoiding him seemed easier. What you didn't know was that you were breaking Bucky's heart more and more. He knows he ended his friendship with you, but he was hoping it would make you want to talk to fix things, but it was the opposite.

Bucky didn’t know what to do. You were so much more to him than you realized, and yet now you were nothing. He knew sleeping with you would ruin your friendship, especially since he was crushing on you before that. When you distanced yourself from him, he couldn’t help but feel angry and hurt. He thought getting a girlfriend would help with his pain and move on from you, since you didn't want him. But that also seemed to backfire on him. Now he lost the person he loves and a best friend all in one. He misses you like crazy, but he is still hurt and doesn't want to make the first move.

He isn’t sleeping anymore, though, and his nightmares have returned full force. You were the only one to help make them go away. He would always walk to your room in the middle of the night and climb into your bed to snuggle close to you. You always left the door unlocked for him, knowing he needed you. The night after he ended the friendship he had a really bad nightmare. He needed to see you, feel you, smell you, so he ran to your room. He was surprised and hurt to find that the door was locked to him. You locked him out. He just slid down against the door to the floor and just cried.

He then tried to spend more time with Ashley, hoping she could fill the void left by you. She was always over at the compound, and the team seemed to like her, except you. Anytime you saw her you would put a scowl on your face, and completely ignore her presence. Bucky didn't understand why you disliked her so much, maybe it's because you disliked him so much. He told Ashley not to worry, but today, she decided she was going to talk to you.

You were in the kitchen making breakfast when you suddenly heard her voice behind you. “Hi, Y/N. Can I speak to you for a moment?” she asked nervously. You sighed to yourself, wondering what she could want. You didn't want to come off as completely rude so you turned around and have her a small nod before turning back to your food.

Ashley takes a deep breath, “I-I’m sorry if my being here bothers you. I see your face every time I’m around. I wish we could be friends, but then again, I wish you and Bucky would make up. He misses you.”

You scoff at that, but say nothing. You continue to make your eggs, wondering what she truly wants. She continues, “He talks about you all the time. I know you were very close close. Honestly I thought he might be in love with you.”

You tense at this and shake your head, knowing that's not true. Tears come to your eyes at the thought that he would never love you the way you love him. You hear her sigh, “I just wanted you to know that Bucky means a lot to me, and if you are fighting with him because of me, you should know that I won’t hurt him.” she says softly.

You quickly force the tears away and turn around to look at her with an emotionless expression on your face. “It’s good to know that he is taken care of, but as far as he and I go, the friendship is over. He said so himself, and as far as you and I go… no, I won’t be friends with you, but I will acknowledge your presence here, since you are always here," you said with a small smile before turning back around trying to keep the tears in.

Ashley nods silently and leaves the kitchen. As you put everything on a plate, you can’t stop the single tear you had been holding from falling down your cheek. You get why he would never want you and prefer her. She is sweet, caring, and beautiful; the complete opposite of you. As you turn around to leave the room, Bucky is standing there, which causes you to gasp.

“Jesus, make a fucking sound!” you yell. Bucky just continues to stare at you, taking you in. His eyes roam your face until they finally meet your eyes. His soft facial expression turns slightly harder. “You don’t have to take your anger out on Ashley,” he says. You can’t help but roll your eyes.

“Look, all I did was tell her the truth,” you say, which makes him chuckle.

“The truth, thats funny coming from you,” he says, taking a step further into the kitchen.

You take a step back, which makes him halt his movement. “I could say the same thing about you.” you say.

Bucky can’t help but shake his head at that, but then nods, “You’re right. I should have been honest, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore right? I mean we can’t even be in the same room together without you running away. I never took you for a coward,” he says.

You finally allow tears to flood your eyes. He has never spoken to you like this, and you can’t understand why he is, when he was the one that hurt you. You go to head out of the kitchen, but is stopped by Bucky’s metal arm grasping your bicep. You look at him and see the sadness and maybe regret in his eyes. You say nothing, but shrug away from him and leave the room. 

Bucky stands in the kitchen kicking himself. Why did he say that? He thought it would make him feel better, but seeing your reaction did the exact opposite. He's such an asshole. Just then Steve walks into the room, and sees Bucky’s face. “Another Y/N encounter?” he asks. Bucky just nods sitting on the stool by the counter. “I don’t know Steve, I just don’t get it,” he says.

Steve looks at his friend with sympathy. “You want to know what I think?”

“Not really.” Bucky responds quickly.

Steve smirks, “Well too bad, because you need to hear it. You love her and she loves you. You both should have talked about your feelings after that night but you didn't. You went on that mission with me, and maybe she thought you didn't feel the same. She distanced herself and you took exception. Now she is threatened because you have someone else, which I can understand.” Steve says matter-of-factly.

Bucky looks at Steve shaking his head. “One, Y/N doesn’t love me. She always told me that she never wanted to be more than friends. And two, I thought you liked Ashley.” 

Steve palms his head, “You really are an idiot. Y/N said that to protect herself in case you didn't return her feelings! But answer me this, why else would she react this way to you having a girlfriend? And, I do like Ashley, she is really nice and treats you right, but… I don’t know.”

Bucky furrows his brows. “What Steve? What’s wrong with Ashley?” he asks getting annoyed.

Steve put his hands up in surrender. “Nothing. She's really sweet, and I really do like her. I just think you look better with Y/N, but then again I am biased.” Steve said as he started to prepare his morning smoothie.

–

You look at your walls of your room and realize that all you have is pictures of you and Bucky everywhere. How are you ever going to get over that stupid man if you have his face all over your walls? You slowly take each frame off the wall, silently crying as you do so, and shove them into the back of your closet for now.

You text Nat and ask her to go out with you to the bar tonight. You were going to find yourself a distraction, one way or another.

Chapter Text

You, Nat and Wanda walk into the club, ready to forget all about the drama you have been living with. You made sure to wear your shortest dress because you didn’t care about anything but getting laid. The three of you walk up to the bar and in a few short minutes your on you second drink of the evening. As you finish downing it Nat rips the glass away.

“Easy there killer! I don’t need you dying of alcohol poisoning! The paperwork would be terrible!” she said with a smirk.

You giggle, “I’m fine Nat. Just need some liquid courage before I go find me a piece of ass!” you say.

After yet another drink, the three of you head off to the dance floor. Nat and Wanda know you are drunk and try to keep a close eye on you. You, meanwhile, are having the time of your life. It was nice not to deal with the stress of Bucky. In fact you didn’t even think about him. Before long you were grinding up against a tall guy who had brown hair and light brown eyes. He had a very handsome face and seemed nice enough. You spent the next hour dancing and flirting with him. Finally he whispered in your ear, “You wanna get out of here?” You nodded quickly telling him to give you a moment.

You walk back over to Nat and Wanda and tell them you were leaving with the guy, not remembering his name. They gave you concerned looks but you promised you would text them the whole time and would be home tomorrow morning. You left hand in hand with and got a cab to head to his place. He couldn’t wait and started kissing and sucking on your neck right there in the cab. You knew you would have marks when you returned to the tower, and you didn’t care.

—

Bucky is sitting in the common room cuddled with Ashley watching a movie. He occasionally kissed the top of her head, feeling content. He liked Ashley, and was happy to be with her. She was sweet, easygoing, and beautiful, the type of girl a guy would kill for. His thoughts then fell to you. You were headstrong, stubborn, feisty, and also so unbelievably beautiful. You both got along so well right away. You always made him laugh, you never judged him, and you made him feel important. That’s why he fell for you so hard.

After the night he made love to you, he thought you would feel the same as he did. He woke up next to you early the next morning and just admired you. He wanted to tell you how he felt but he wasn’t sure how. So he got up and went to gym which is where he usually did his thinking. Steve came in talking about an emergency mission, and so Bucky left the compound without saying goodbye, as you were still sleeping. He figured he would think of a grand gesture when he came home.

One week later he came back, prepared to talk it out with you, and finally tell you how he felt, but you wouldn't give him the time of day. He tried multiple times but you avoided him, wouldn't answer his texts, calls, or when he would try and speak to you, you would come up with an excuse to leave. You completely distanced yourself from him. His heart broke thinking you regretted what happened, so he decided the only way to move on was to find someone else.

Enter Ashley. He hates to admit he didn’t want anything serious, but he has grown to have true feelings for Ashley, and really wants to see where it goes. He nuzzled her hair with his nose as he thinks about how happy she has made him over the last few weeks, and how happy he is that he met her. He heard the ding of the elevator and saw Nat and Wanda walk into the foyer. He furrowed his brows and got up off the couch, walking over to the pair.

“Where's Y/N? Didn’t she go out with you?” He asked.

Both ladies looked at him, rolling their eyes. “Why do you care Barnes? You have a girlfriend and ended your friendship with her.” Nat snapped.

Bucky glared at her. “Don’t butt your nose into a situation you know nothing about, Romanoff. Now where is she?” He sneers.

Wanda sighed, “Relax, she met a guy at the club and went home with him.”

Bucky’s heart dropped to his stomach. He felt a jealous surge flow through him, which he knows he has no right to feel. Nat was right, he had a girlfriend, whom he had started to fall for, but he was still so madly in love with you. The thought of seeing you with someone else makes him crazy. He starts running his hands in his hair in distress as he thinks about what you were doing with someone else. The girls saw his facial expression and their hard faces softened, slightly. Nat nodded to Wanda, who went to the common room to distract Ashley. Nat pulled Bucky into the opposite hallway.

“Okay Buck, I need to know something. Do you have feelings for Y/N?” She asked in a low voice.

Bucky looked to see if anyone else around and nodded to Nat, sadly. Nat sighed, “Why didn’t you tell her? She distanced herself because she thought you didn’t like her.” She said annoyed.

Bucky went through the story about the mission and his plan to talk to you when he came back. Nat looked at the floor and shook her head. “Y/N you idiot!” She said.

She gave Bucky a sad smile, “Look, I shouldn't be telling you this, but I am tired of the 2 of you being stupid. Y/N is in love with you. She has been even before you slept with her.”

Bucky’s heart started racing. You loved him too! How can he be sure Nat was telling the truth. Why didn't you say anything?

“My question to you, is what about Ashley?” Nat whispered, breaking Bucky from his thoughts.

Bucky stood there like a statue in shock as all the thoughts went through his brain. Is Nat telling the truth? Do you actually love him? Was Steve telling the truth? Why didn't you say something instead of distancing from him? If it is true should he stay with Ashley, the girl who is currently making him so happy, or you, the one who broke his heart? He nodded to Nat and walked back into the common room to sit with Ashley. He stopped paying attention to the movie and kept thinking about what he was going to do.

Should he confront you with what Nat said or should he let it go? Should he try with Ashley, or fight for you?

Chapter Text

You walked out of the elevator feeling lower than you had before you went out. Turns out that guy was only using you because he knew you were an Avenger. You were using him too, but what hit you the hardest was when he said Nat was hotter. It made you feel inadequate in more ways than one. Maybe you just were unloveable, which is why Bucky didn't want you and went to Ashley, and why this guy didn't want you.

You look into the common room and see Bucky snuggling with Ashley, which just makes your heart shatter even more. He gets to be happy with her, while you are miserable and lone, how is that even fair? Tears start to pool in your eyes, as you turn toward the hallway where your room is. Bucky saw you walk in and noticed the broken look on your face. Ashley was sound asleep against him, so he wasn’t able to stand up and check on you, but he couldn’t help the sinking feeling when he saw your face as you ran down the hall.

When he heard your door close, he decided to turn off the TV and bring Ashley to bed. He picked he up and carried her into his room and placed her under the covers kissing her forehead. When she didn’t stir Bucky went into his bathroom to shower. The whole time he thought about everything that happened between you both over the last few months. In his mind, that night  was the happiest night of his life, but you hurt him so much with your distance. He hates that he lost you, and that you hate him now for loving you. He wishes you would have just told him that you didn't feel the same, but now apparently you do feel the same. 

He shakes his head in disappointment as he stands under the water. Nat told him you were in love with him too. He feels so conflicted over her statement because how does he know that it is true? Not that he thinks Nat would lie, but what if she is wrong? What if she is misreading you and just thinks you are in love with him. He would like to think if you were in love with him you wouldn't have pushed him away after that night. Then his thoughts turned to your face when you came home tonight. You looked utterly crushed, which destroyed him. He just wanted to hold you close and protect you from whatever hurt you. He had to find out if you were okay. Even though he is with Ashley, he is still madly in love you.

He quickly turned off the shower and threw on his boxers and sweats walking out of the bathroom. He stopped short when he saw Ashley sound asleep in his bed. What about Ashley? He really does care about her, and before Nat told him your feelings, he had made the decision to see his relationship with her through. Was he going to just abandon her now because you might actually have feelings for him after all? Was that fair to her? He hated feeling indecisive, and knows that he will need to talk to you to see where your feelings truly lie before making a decision.

Bucky decided to wait until morning to check on you and walked slowly back toward his bed and slips under the covers next to Ashley. She curls up closer to him causing him to wrap and arm around her shoulders. He stares up at the ceiling hoping you will be ok. He tries to listen through the wall that you share, but all he hears is the shower running.

–

You walk out of your shower, eyes feeling puffy from the sobbing you did. You don’t know how you let your life fall apart so badly. You lost Bucky. Yes, you were in love with him and he was only as a friend, but you had a part of him. You just had to take that step, and see if there was something else there. You had to know if he felt the same and the way you did it was sleeping with him. It was the best night of your entire life, and you woke up so happy. When he wasn't in bed with you your stomach dropped. You searched for awhile until Nat told you that he went on a mission with Steve. You didn't think anything of it until Sam told you he had been texting with Bucky, but Bucky never texted you. You took that as his answer. He didn't feel the same way and you made a fool out of yourself.

You didn’t know how you would be able to go back to being friends, when you put all your emotions on the line that night. You wanted him, but so much more than just a friend. You figured he would only ever see you as a friend, so you distanced yourself. You saw his confusion when he returned from the mission, but you held firm to protect your heart. You couldn't just be friends anymore. You ruined that. In your heart you hoped it would make him see how much more you were to him, but instead he got a girlfriend. Your planned backfired because look at you now. You're alone.

You can’t help the sobs coming again as you thought about everything. You lay on your bed allowing the sobs take over you. It felt so cathartic to allow all these emotions spill from you. All the ones you have held in for so long. It was definitely something you have needed for awhile and you never allowed yourself. It made you realize how much you love Bucky, and how you might have lost him in more ways than one, forever. Just the thought causes your heart to completely crumble even more. It felt like you didn’t even have a heart left, because you didn't. You didn't realize your sobs got harder and louder.

You thought you heard a knock on your door, but you were so lost in your emotional bubble, you ignored it, thinking you imagined it. You were laying on your stomach with your face in your pillow just letting everything out, and not being overly loud that anyone will know. You don’t hear the door open or the hurried footsteps to your side. All you knew is suddenly arms were pulling you off the bed, and wrapping around you. You continued to sob into the persons neck, losing complete control and unable to stop it.

As you are gasping for breath you realize that the arms that are holding you are 2 different temperatures; one warm and one cold. You suddenly smell his scent, which only makes you sob harder, if that was possible. He is rocking you softly whispering “It’s okay, you’re okay” over and over. You feel his soft lips on your temple as you just continue to release your emotions into his neck.

Bucky just holds you. His heart is breaking with each sob. He tries to calm you, but you seem inconsolable, so he will hold you until you finally relax. He won’t abandon you. He can’t. He loves you too much. It scares him how quickly he was willing to run over when he heard your sobs. He knows he needs to buck up and decide, but he needs to talk to you first. Not now, but hopefully soon. Right now he just needs to hold you. He needs to be whatever you need. Most of all, he needs to make you feel his love as he is holding you. He will hold you all night if he needs to, he is there. For you.

Chapter Text

You woke up the next morning feeling very disoriented. You were feeling very warm, and you swore you felt warm puffs of breath on your neck. It's only then that you realize you were currently wrapped in someones arms. You try to remember if you had a nightmare about crying and slept at the guys place, or did you really come home and Bucky held you while you cried. You finally opened your eyes and saw you were indeed being held tightly by Bucky, who was still asleep. You stared at him in shock, and a part of you wanted to run and hide, but at the same time you felt like you were finally at peace. You finally felt like you were where you belonged. Too bad he didn't feel the same way.

You took the time to admire his soft features in the morning sunlight. He just looked so handsome. Though you always thought he was handsome, and adding his personality, charm, and sense of humor was enough to make you fall for him, head over heels. You knew you he didn't feel the same based on the past, but given that he abandoned his girlfriend to hold you while you cried, had you thinking maybe he felt something. Suddenly you tense as you thought back to the person he was snuggling with when you came home. His girlfriend! You didn’t even know where she was. Was she still here in the tower, or did she go home? Was he having sex with her before he came to you? Were they cuddling in his bed? All of these questions floating in your head made you feel nauseous. You had to separate yourself from him, needed space to breath.

As you started to gently pull away, Bucky’s hold tightened. You heard his breathing change, and knew he was starting to awaken. Your heart rate immediately spiked as you froze. He nuzzled his nose into your neck and then looked up into your eyes. He didn’t react immediately, but then you saw his eyes widen slightly before he quickly pulled himself away from you and off the bed. The loss of his heat was felt in more ways than one. Even though you had wanted some separation, seeing him react like that, honestly, hurt. You told yourself to keep the tears back because didn’t want him to see you cry anymore. You just gave Bucky a sad smile and turned away, which brought him back to reality.

His face softened as he got his mind straight and softly sat back down on the bed looking intently at you as you avoided eye contact. He touched your shoulder, which caused you to look at him, “Are you okay?” he asked softly.

Your voice was caught in your throat. You wanted to tell him everything. Completely spill your guts, but in the back of your mind you knew that he had someone else who cared about him. Someone he cared about too. How could you tell him everything? You knew you would get hurt! That's why you distanced yourself from him in the first place. It was your only choice to save your heart. You need to hold on to that and continue to keep him at arms length, no matter how much it hurts. You know in the long run, it will be better, and you will eventually get over him. 

Bucky starts to caress your face with his flesh hand, and it takes all your willpower to not lean into it. You close your eyes and bask in the feel of his skin on yours. When you open them again, you just give a tentative nod. You clear your throat, “Uh, so where is Ashley?” you ask.

Bucky immediately drops his hand from your face in dejection. You think you see disappointment in his face, but you are not sure. “She uh… she is in my room. I ran over when I heard you crying.” he says, looking at you sadly.

You nod and harden your face to look emotionless. You knew it. “Well, thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder last night. After everything that has happened between us, I am surprised but grateful. But please don’t worry, I will leave you both alone from now on. You don't have to think about me anymore.” you say as you get up from your bed.

Bucky looks confused and maybe a little hurt? You start heading to your bathroom but stop and look at him. “I know I was a bitch to Ashley before, but she really is sweet. I am happy you found someone good for you. I wish you both the best.” you say trying to keep your voice even.

Your heart continues to break with every word you say. Bucky just looks at you not knowing what to think. “I-I wanted to talk to you Y/N, about… well everything. I-” you cut him off.

“Bucky, I can tell you care a lot for her. And I know she does too. Whatever you do don’t let her go.” you say in a whisper, losing your control as tears flood your eyes and down your cheeks again. You hate crying and that's all you've done these past several weeks.  

Bucky stands up and walks over to you and palms your face with both hands. “I know how you feel about me, Y/N. Stop pushing me away and let me make my own decision.” he says, tears pooling in his eyes now.

Your breath hitches and you swallow the lump in your throat as you look into his beautiful blue eyes. Your heart is pounding, and you are sure you can feel it. "How do you know how I feel?" you ask in a whisper.

Bucky swallows, "Nat told me last night. What I am confused about is why you didn't tell me. I thought my feelings were unrequited, but apparently you have felt the same way about me, as I do about you," he says with a small hopeful smile.

Your head is spinning. He likes you too? But he never said anything! Why didn't he tell you?! All this time you took him leaving and everything as his rejection, which means he took you distancing him as your rejection. So all of this was one big miscommunication, and it's all your fault. If you had not gone mental when he left, and just understood that he had an emergency mission, you could be happy with him right now. But no! You, like you always do, overreacted and pushed him away. You pushed him into Ashley's arms. And what about him and Ashley?

"What about Ashley? You have a girl now, so it doesn't matter now," you say as you pull away slightly, causing his hands to fall from your face to your shoulders.

"Don't you think that is my decision to make?" he asks irritated.

“And what is your decision?” you ask.

Bucky now closes his eyes and leans his forehead against yours. “I guess it depends on you,” he whispers.

You pull away from him and look into his eyes. “Bucky…I-” “I love you Y/N. Damnit I have loved you since we became friends. I've always wanted more with you. I didn’t think you ever did until we slept together. I had a feeling that you felt the same, and I wanted to tell you how I felt that next morning but I dragged into that stupid mission. Then you distanced yourself from me when I came back,” Bucky’s voice was getting louder as he spoke. He was letting all his pent up emotions out and you allowed it, since it was all your fault. All of this was your fault.

“You hurt me so bad, Y/N. I figured I got it wrong and you obviously didn’t feel the same, so I moved on, or at least I tried to. I met Ashley, who is so sweet and caring. She accepts me for everything, even if I think I don’t deserve it. I've tried. I tried to move on from you, but you make it so fucking hard,” his voice cracks at this last part, which cracks your heart even more.

You really hurt him. You don't deserve him now. Not after everything you have done. Bucky turns and sits on the edge of your bed, his head in his hands. “I've always wanted you, but I have a feeling that you are going to keep pushing me away. Why can’t you just be honest with me and tell me how you feel? Tell me you love me too! Tell me I am the one! Tell me to choose you, Y/N! Tell me, please!” he begs.

You stare at him, in shock. This is your chance to finally get the man you have wanted for years, and yet your heart is broken. You hurt him, the man you love. You pushed him away into the arms of another. You can’t forgive yourself for that, and deserve the heartbreak you feel. You know he cares for Ashley, and poor Ashley doesn’t deserve this. He deserves better than you. He deserves Ashley. He deserves the happiness she obviously brings him. He wants you to tell him to choose you, but deep in your heart, even though you want him, you know you can't be selfish anymore.

You kneel down in front of him and pull his hands away from his face. You wipe away the tears that are falling down his cheeks and you give him a light kiss on his nose. “Bucky, I… I do love you. More than anything. Which is why I am telling you to choose… Ashley.”

You hold your hand up to silence him as he was about to interrupt. “I hurt you. I did what I always do and overreacted to you leaving the next day. I pushed you away and hurt you, when the woman you love should never do that. Ashley is great, and kind, and everything that you need. You deserve so much more than me. You deserve the gentle and kind girl, not the fiery argumentative one,” you give him a small smile that he doesn’t return.

“It’s because I love you, that I have to let you go. I have to let you move on, like you wanted to,” you say looking down at the floor, tears now falling.

Bucky lifts your chin with his finger and kisses you deeply. You allow yourself to enjoy it, one last time. When you finally break away, you look at him and nod. You get up off the floor and give him room to stand. He hugs you and kisses the top of your head, before heading toward the door. He looks back at you one more time, before leaving your room and closing your door. You choke on a sob and run into your bathroom to hide.

You did it. You let him go and be happy. You sacrificed yourself for his happiness. That’s what someone who loves wholeheartedly does right? But if it was so right, why does it feel so wrong? Why does it feel like you will never breath normal again, and your chest will collapse because your heart is gone?

What did you do?

–

Bucky dries the tears on his face before taking a deep breath and walking into his room quietly. Ashley is just waking up and gives him a warm smile, which melts his heart. She sees his eyes are red and puffy and frowns. “Babe, you okay?” she asks concerned.

Bucky walks to the bed and sits down, leaning against the headboard. Ashley automatically slides over and cuddles into him. They look at each other for a moment before sharing a soft kiss. Bucky sighs and looks at the wall he shares with you. Should he allow you to push him away or fight for you? He looks back at Ashley, “It’s been a long night.” he says.

Ashley says nothing and just snuggles closer to let him know she is there for him in every way. She really is perfect in his eyes. It makes him smile as he kisses her head. He keeps looking at the wall and thinking about what he wants. 

“Hey, let take a walk today.” he says. Ashley looks at him adoringly, “Okay!” she says.

Chapter Text

Central Park was where Bucky brought Ashley on their first date. At the time, he didn’t think anything would come of the relationship, but now they have been dating for almost 2 months, and he has honest feelings for her. But, he is still so madly in love with you. His head is jumbled because of the talk you had this morning. You finally told him how you felt, and he did the same. Everything was finally out between the two, and Bucky should be feeling better, but he is now more confused than ever. Confused because right away you pushed him away. Right away you told him to go to Ashley. You say you love him, but you obviously don't want him.

With their hands intertwined they walk along the path in comfortable silence. Ashley occasionally looking up at Bucky, who was staring off into the oblivion. Finally she pulled him to the bench where they sat and talked for hours on their first date. Bucky didn’t seem to realize where he was at first. 

“You tired already?” he asked with a chuckle.

Ashley gave him a loving smile and brought his lips to hers. He felt all her love and affection in that kiss. It drowned him completely and made him realize that no matter what his choice was, someone was going to get hurt. He pulled away and looked into Ashleys beautiful light brown eyes. 

“Do remember when we met?” he asked softly, caressing her face.

She smiled and nodded. “I saw you the moment you entered the bar. You looked so sad and defeated, and all I wanted to do was take that look off your face,” she said matter-of-factly. It made Bucky smile.

Ashley seemed to read Bucky very well for only being with him a short time, because her next question floored him. “Were you sad that night because of Y/N?”

His mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to say. Ashley gave him a kind nervous smile. “You're in love with her, right?” she asked.

Bucky’s heart started pounding in his chest. “Y-yes, but I care for you too. A lot.” he said, taking her hands scared she would run away.

She looks him in the eyes and he is surprised not to see any jealousy or anger in her. “I’ve known ever since you first brought me to the tower. Hell, I knew she loved you too,” she said with a breathy laugh. "When you told me that you weren't even friends anymore I figured we would be ok."

“I-I don’t…” Bucky starts stuttering, but Ashley puts her hand to his mouth to silence him.

“It’s okay, Bucky. You are not a bad man for loving someone else. She was in your life first. My question to you is, do you still want to be with me? Because I've fallen for you Bucky, and to be honest I want to see where we can go,” she says.

Bucky was taken aback by how calm Ashley seemed to be with this conversation. He swallows the lump in his throat, “Ashley, I want to tell you the truth about everything. Y/N and I were one best friends who harbored feelings for each other, but never said anything. We slept together a few weeks before we met and I was planning on telling her how I feel the next morning, but I wound up having to leave on a mission, and wasn't able to tell her. When I returned, Y/N had decided to distance herself from me because she thought my lack of response meant I didn't like her, but I didn't know that. I thought she was showing me that she didn't like me. I was so hurt that I decided to try and move on, and was lucky enough to meet you.”

Bucky turned and faced Ashley, “The night I met you, I never thought I would grow to care for someone else. We have only been together for a short time, but you have shown me what an amazing, kind, and caring woman you are. I know that I could fall madly in love with you,” he said.

Ashley’s smile widened for a moment, before faltering. “But I am not her.” she whispered as she looked down at their joined hands.

Bucky sighed, “I didn’t know how Y/N felt until last night, and she wasn't even the one to tell me! Nat was the one who told me she was in love with me, and I didn't even know if I should believe her! When Y/N came home last night she had a breakdown in her room. That’s where I was. I just held her for hours as she sobbed. We both eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms.”

Bucky shook his head and stood up, pacing in front of the bench. “This morning she and I finally got the chance to tell each other how we feel. I told her I loved her, and even though she said she loved me to, she started to push me away again. She had the nerve to tell me that she love me, but that I should stay with you! She gave me up! She didn’t even give me a chance to talk to you or make up my own mind!” Bucky said in anger.

Ashley reached out for him and pulled him back to the bench. “Buck, she did that because she loves you. She can see that we are happy together, and she wants you to be happy. She is sacrificing her own happiness for yours,” she said, running her hand through his hair to calm him. 

Bucky looked at Ashley, “I know. I know why she did it, but it still hurts and I'm just so...” Bucky stops and looks at the ground.

Ashley continued to run her hand through his hair. “You're so in love with her that this made you realize that she is the one.” she finished his sentence.

Bucky looks at her and pulls her close, “It made me realize that she may always push me away for one reason or another. You never have and you show me so much love and kindness. I’m falling for you, Ashley. I'm terrified to hurt you, but I want to try. This morning I told Y/N I would choose her if she told me to, but now… I know that I want to stay with you. If you still want me.”

–

It had been a few days since that morning you spoke with Bucky and you haven’t really seen him or Ashley around. You were informed by FRIDAY to head to the conference room for a meeting.

You entered the room to see the whole team there, including Bucky. He was talking with Steve and looked very happy. You can’t help but feel that he took your advice, though you hope you are wrong. You hope Bucky will fight for you, but you wouldn't completely blame him if he doesn't.

Steve stands in front of the room. “This will be quick. Bucky is moving out of the tower to live with his girlfriend. This will change some training schedules, but I think we will all be able to stop in and help out,” Steve said.

You didn't even realize the tears started running down your cheeks as you listened to Steve continue. You look and see Bucky looking at you with a worried expression. You look and see Nat and Wanda also look concerned but return to the blue eyes of the man you love. The man you gave up. The man that just shattered your heart because he listened to you. Once again, it's your fault. When you can't stand it anymore you get up and quickly leaving the room. No one tries to stop you, but Bucky also gets up and leaves behind you.

You run toward your room, tears falling down your face. As you get closer you see Bucky’s door open and someone walking out with a box. Ashley. She sees you and your distraught face and frowns.

“Y/N, are you okay?” She asks concerned.

Curse her for being so nice, when all you want to do is hate her. You just stare at her, tears continuing to fall. You pull yourself together to say one thing. “You better take care of him, because he has been through a lot and he deserves the world and more. Please, just take care of him, since I couldn't,” You plead before brushing past her to your room.

You don’t even make it to your bed before a knock comes to your door. You assume it’s Ashley coming to say something, and open the door. To your surprise it’s not Ashley, but Bucky.

“We need to talk.”

Chapter Text

“We need to talk.”

Your heart jumps into your throat as you stare up at the man who has completely decimated your heart. Well you decimated your heart, but he didn't help. Tears are streaming down your face as you just stare at him, not knowing what to do. You don’t move, neither of you. You both just look at each other and get enveloped in the collective sadness between the two of you.

Bucky finally breaks the silence, “Please,” he whispers.

The sound of his broken voice breaks the trance as you step to the side and allow him in silently. Before he enters, he looks at Ashley, who is still standing in the hallway. She gives him a small smile before he enters your room. He silently nods before closing the door behind him. Silently he walks over to where you are and pulls you into a bone crushing hug, wanting to help your pain, but it only makes it worse.

You struggle out of his hold, “Don’t!” you scream.

His eyes widen at you, surprised by your reaction to his touch. “Don’t try to pacify me! You are leaving… with her… it’s done. Just… please leave me alone,” you say as you walk to your bed and sit on the edge. 

Bucky comes over and sits next to you. He continues to stare at you, and you fight your will to look back. “You told me to choose her,” he whispered to you.

You finally do look at him, and both your expressions looks utterly broken. “I know,” you say softly back turning away again. 

“I know I did. But I didn't expect you to move in with her. I didn't expect you to want to be away from me. And honestly the reality of us not happening is harder to grasp than I realized. I guess I always hoped you wouldn’t listen to me, and fight for me,” you say with a shrug.

Bucky didn't know what to say. He was a little annoyed that you wanted him to fight for you, but you weren't willing to fight for him, but he pushes that aside.

“What happens now?” Bucky asks.

“I don’t know. I mean I won’t see you often and-”

“I’ll be here every day. You’ll still see me, I promise. I don’t want to lose you completely Y/N. I can’t lose you completely,” he says earnestly, cutting you off.

You give him a small smile and tell yourself internally to be brave. You have to deal with the weight of your decision of letting Bucky be happy with Ashley. Which means you need to cut him off to move on. Telling him this, however is terrifying. “Bucky, I am going to need some time away from you. At least until I can be okay with this. So, when you’re here, whether for training, or hanging out, I-I won’t be around. Honestly I think we should only socialize on missions, and even then minimally. I just…" you sigh, "I need time to get over everything,” you say looking into his eyes.

Bucky feels like he can’t breath. You told him to choose Ashley, you told him to! This isn't fair! “But, I can't lose you! I can't! I… please, Y/N, don’t do this.” he begs, tears pooling in his eyes.

You start crying again, “I have to! I don’t want to lose you either, but I think I have to, at least for now. I know I'm being selfish, but it hurts too much to see you, knowing what I had and gave up. I know you feel like I am punishing you, but I'm not. I really think this is the best course for me. Please understand,” you say as your voice cracks.

Bucky feels his heart completely shatter. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You told him what to do and he did it. He hated you for doing that, but he understood and loved you for it at the same time. He thought you guys could at least go back to being friends, but now you want complete separation. How did it come to this? How did he let it get this far? Did he make the wrong choice? Should he have fought harder to make you realize you both should be together? 

Bucky gets up silently and heads toward the door, completely heartbroken. He stops before grabbing the handle, feeling like he is losing control and everything is spiraling. He quickly turns around and walks back toward you with a purpose. You stand up as he gets closer, knowing his intent. He grabs you by the back of the neck and pulls you in as he smashes his lips against yours. You allow him to take control as he pushes his tongue into your mouth. You wrap your arms around his neck as he pulls you flush against him. You feel all the emotion he is holding in that kiss and you make sure you give just as much. When breath becomes essential you both pull back, but remain in each others arms. 

Panting he kisses your forehead and steps back to look into your eyes. “I'm pretty sure you're the love of my life, but you…. you pushed me away multiple times. Maybe I should have fought more but you told me to choose her. I know you might regret it, and I wish I could…” he stops, choking back a sob.

You caress his hair and hold him close. “Bucky, I will always regret pushing you away. I hate that I wasn't strong enough to accept your love, but you have someone who wants you, and I'm happy you found her. And not that I wish bad things on you and Ashley, but I will hope that we will get our chance someday.”

He nods, “Just not today” he says as he kisses you once more before releasing you completely.

Without another word, he walks to the door and leaves. He fights himself and makes sure not to turn around again. As the door closes you allow the sobs to release again, collapsing to the floor. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

–

Bucky brings in the last box into Ashley’s apartment. Thankfully most of his stuff goes in the bedroom, so there isn’t much to unpack. Ashley grabs his hand and brings him to the sofa in the living room. He puts his arm around her shoulders and pulls her close, kissing the top of her head.

“How do you feel?” she asks.

He looks around the apartment for a moment, “Honestly, I think we'll be okay. I just need to get used to it. Not being at the tower and seeing... everyone,” he says.

She looks up at him with a small smile. “It will take some time, but I am willing to put in the work to make you happy, content, and comfortable here." She stops thinking if she should say something. "Y/N didn’t seem to take it well.” she says quietly.

Bucky pinches his nose thinking about your conversation. “No, she didn’t. Unfortunately it will not be easy with her. But she told me she wanted complete space from her for awhile,” he says staring at the wall.

“Yea, I get that. I felt terrible when I saw her face. Knowing I stole you away from her.” she said. 

“She gave me up, sweetheart. You are not to blame for this situation.” he said.

Ashley frowns, “But I know I would feel the same way. And I know separating completely will be hard on both of you. Just know I am here if you want to talk, okay?” she says. He kisses her lips softly and whispers “thank you” against them.

–

Time Jump - 2 months later - 

Bucky walks into the tower for the mission briefing. It’s one of the only times he gets to see you. He doesn’t know how you are holding up, but he knows one thing, he is miserable. He hoped the distance would be hard at first but get easier with time, but that wasn’t the case. Every time he would come to the tower, you would make yourself disappear. He hated that. He wanted to see you, smell your perfume, hear your voice. God he missed you, which makes him realize how much he really does love you.

He tried to talk to Nat about it, but she wouldn’t say anything to him. Steve said he would try and get information, but has not gotten anything. You have completely closed him out and he feels helpless. He hates how things are, and he feels terrible about what he is doing to Ashley. He should have just broken up with her that day in the park like he planned. But no, she said all the right things and he melted, wanting to keep the relationship alive. Now he regrets stringing the poor girl along. Because he knows he will never love Ashley anywhere near how much he loves you.

As he walks into the conference room he sees you, Nat, and Wanda whispering to each other. You don’t even look his way, but he sees light in your eyes for the first time in months. It makes his heart beat faster, thinking of how beautiful you are. He sits on the opposite side of the table, trying to ignore the conversation, but his advanced hearing makes him catch a few things.

“So you are going out with him again?” Nat asked you.

You smirk and nod. “He's really sweet and so handsome. I had such a great time with him. I can’t wait for you all to meet him,” you say excitedly.

Bucky’s heart drops to the floor. You were moving on, just like you wanted. He can’t blame you, he is trying to, but god does he want to stop it. He should have fought for you like you wanted. This is all his fault because he just did what you wanted. And now you found someone else and he is stuck with Ashley. Though she is an amazing girl, he doesn't want her. He wants you. Only you.

Steve and Tony walk in and discuss the mission that requires the whole team. Going to a HYDRA base and grabbing not only key information, but the head guy in charge to get information on a new weapon and where it is kept. You all were leaving in two hours. Tony added that if this went well, he would throw another party, which you all gave a small cheer for.

16 hours later, you all return with the leader in hand to the tower. You were the only one that got injured, but it wasn’t serious. Bucky blamed himself, since he got distracted by your presence near him and then you got shot. It was a through and through, so no major damage was done, but Bucky still felt terrible.

He sat in the common room talking to Sam and Steve when you walked back in after getting checked out. “Hey Y/N, everything cool?” Sam asked.

You gave him a smile, “Yea, I’m good Sammy,” you said as you went into the kitchen. Bucky quickly got up and followed you. 

“I’m sorry you got shot. It was my fault.” he said softly, making you turn around.

He had trouble reading the emotion on your face, but you then gave him a small smile. “It’s fine, James. Could have happened to anyone of us, right?” you said before leaving the room quickly.

Bucky stood there staring at the spot you were just standing. James? You never call him James, unless he pissed you off. Were you really leaving him behind completely? He hated this! If he could only go back in time and change the outcome, you wouldn’t have gone out on a date with a guy you seem to like, and he wouldn’t be living outside the tower with a great girl, that he can't give his heart to.

He felt like he was stuck inside a nightmare, and there was no way of getting out.

–

You enter your room quickly and let out the breath you had been holding in. It was the first time in two months you heard his velvet voice toward you and looked directly into those crystal blue eyes. It made your stomach twist and your heart clench. God you missed him. These last 2 months were the hardest of your life. You missed him more than anything. There was so many times you wanted to call him and beg him to come back to you. But you held firm and kept your distance, as hard as it was.

You finally went on a date with some guy Wanda set you up with, named Jeremy. He was sweet and handsome, but he wasn’t your Bucky. No one was your Bucky. But your Bucky wasn’t yours. He was Ashley’s. And there was nothing you could about it, but god did you still love him. You will always love him.

Just then you felt your phone vibrate with a text from Tony setting the party in motion for Friday night. You figured Bucky and Ashley would go, so you would make sure Jeremy is there also. You needed someone to distract you from the happy couple. 

You would get through it. You didn’t have a choice.

Chapter Text

You were putting the finishing touches on your makeup when you heard a soft knock on the door. You quickly walk over and open it to reveal Jeremy. You give him a warm smile as he takes you in. Jeremy is a somewhat tall guy, maybe 5'11 6'0, with medium build, not too many muscles, but he is fit. He has short brown hair and the most amazing bright green eyes. He has a beautiful smile, and is just so sweet. Your stomach erupts in butterflies at the sight of him. You can’t help but admire him in his dark grey suit with Navy shirt and tie. It compliments your navy gown. You loved this dress the moment you saw it, and you couldn’t help but know a certain soldier would love it too. You figured you would try your best to drive him crazy, though he has moved on and you are trying also, he is always in the back of your mind.

“You ready to go beautiful?” Jeremy asks, holding out his arm, breaking you of your thoughts.

You nod and accept his arm as he leads you to the elevator. “Thank you for inviting me. I’m glad we get to spend some more time together, because I really enjoyed the other night.” he said as you got into the elevator, heading down to the main floor.

You smile widely at him, “I did too Jeremy. I’m really glad you came tonight,” you said honestly.

When you walked into the ballroom, you saw it was already packed with people you didn’t know. You lead Jeremy over to the bar, where you saw Nat and Wanda standing. Once you got there, Jeremy got you both drinks and you settled in, talking to your friends. After awhile you couldn’t help the feeling you were being watched. You tried to ignore it, but you finally had to look. 

Once you looked over to the other side of the room, you locked eyes with bright blue ones. You breath got caught in your throat as you admire Bucky in a black suit with black shirt and tie. He looked absolutely delicious. You break eye contact to see his arm around Ashley, who is smiling at Steve as she converses with him.  Ashley is in a beautiful light blue dress that compliments her well. You feel jealousy as you see his arm around her, but swallow it down. You look back at Bucky, who continues to watch you, instead of paying attention to who is in front of him. Your heart pounds, and you have to fight yourself to not walk over there and kiss the hell out of him. Why does he still affect you so much?

You return back to the conversation you were in, fighting against yourself to look over at him again, even though you know he is still looking at you. After some drinks and talking, you and Jeremy hit the dance floor. He had no problem dancing like a fool with you, which you loved. He made you laugh hard, which was something you hadn’t done in awhile. It made your heart flutter. You really were enjoying his company.

Suddenly a slow song starts, and Jeremy pulls you into his arms and holds you close. You feel good in his arms, and wouldn't mind spending more time in them. You look around you and notice Bucky and Ashley are dancing close to you. You try to stay focused on the man in front of you, but you glimpse over and see Bucky is watching you, with a deadly look in his eyes. It makes your heart start to pound again, as you think of the one night you shared with him.

“I’m really enjoying myself, Y/N.” Jeremy says in your ear softly, breaking you from your thoughts.

You look up at him smiling and stare into his eyes for a moment. You suddenly feel a pull toward him and before you know it, you feel his soft lips on yours. It felt weird, but at the same time, it felt good. You deepened the kiss and allowed him to explore your mouth, before finally pulling away. You smile at Jeremy and lay your head on his shoulder as you continue to dance, completely forgetting about anyone else in the room. You felt truly peaceful for the first time in months.

Meanwhile Bucky feels like he was just punched in the gut and all the breath has left his body. You really were moving on from him, and it’s his fault. He should've fought for you, but his stupid ass accepted what you said and left. He does care about Ashley, but she isn’t you, and he should have known better. You’re it for him; he doesn’t want anyone else. But you are here with someone else, who makes you laugh and smile, and kisses you like how Bucky wants to. He just wants to die seeing you happy without him.

Once the song was over, you lead Jeremy over to the bar for another drink at the same time Bucky brings Ashley over. All your friends are there so it is only semi-awkward. “I like your dress Ashley, it’s beautiful.” you say with a kind smile.

Ashley returns saying with a kind smile, “Thank you. I love yours too. You look amazing.” 

You give her a smile and pull Jeremy away from the crowd, wanting to be away from Bucky, whose eyes you still feel on you. You walk over to one of the tables and talk about how much fun you were having, and telling Jeremy about all the shenanigans that will most likely happen at a Tony Stark party. He tells you about what he and his friends do for fun, which he feels is nothing compared to this. You continue to get to know each other, and you continue to feel more comfortable with him.

Just then “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel comes on. You cant help but smile, looking down at your hands folded on your lap. You think back to when you and Bucky first became friends and you told him he had to listen to the song, because it will catch him up on what happened in the world from the 50′s to the 80's. After he listened to it the first time, he looked up the lyrics and what they meant. It turned into his favorite song, and in turn, your and Bucky's song. You danced to it every party, well except this one now. Whenever either of you was in a bad mood or sad, you would play it and dance and sing along together. It was actually when you realized you were in love with him. Turns out it was the same for him, unbeknownst to you.

Listening to it now at the party, it started to make you sad, because you missed him so damn much. You feel the tears starting to come, so you excuse yourself and tell Jeremy you will be back. You quickly leave the ballroom and head for the elevator. You needed air and a chance to clear your head. The only place you know that wouldn’t be occupied was the roof. You step into the elevator and press the correct button, waiting for the doors to close. Just as they are about to, a metal hand stops them. You look up to see Bucky, who walks into the elevator and allows the doors to close behind him. It’s the first time you both have been truly alone in over two months. The tension in the elevator is suffocating as you both stare at each other, saying nothing. Bucky takes a step closer, hoping it’s ok. When you fail to move, he continues until he is right in front of you. He tentatively brings his flesh hand up to cup your face. You can’t help but lean into it.

As he starts lowering his face to yours, FRIDAY informs you that you are at the roof, and the doors of the elevator open. It breaks you apart as you leave the elevator and head outside to the roof. You walk quickly to the railing and take a deep breath, as that elevator ride left you completely breathless. Bucky slowly and quietly walks from the elevator until he stops behind you, hoping you will say something. Tears are slowly rolling down your face as you kick yourself mentally for getting upset about him again.

“What do I have to do to get over you?” you say quietly, knowing he will hear it.

Bucky walks up to the railing and stands next to you; looking at you with a mix of nervousness and sadness. “I… I don’t want you to.” He says quietly, making you look up at him.

He swallows the lump in his throat, “I made a mistake. I should've fought for you. I shouldn’t have given up so easily. I’m a fucking idiot, and I know I might be too late, because you are here with that guy, but I…” he looks out into the city skyline taking a deep breath.

You sniff and look down at your feet taking in everything he is saying. He is right, he should have fought for you, but at the same time, you shouldn't have pushed him away. How do you know that he isn't just jealous tonight, but is still wants to be with Ashley once he is away from you.

“You chose Ashley.” you said looking at him sincerely.

He closes his eyes, shakes his head and then looks at you with tears starting to fall. You see the heartbreak in his eyes. “I know, but…” “You chose Ashley,” you interrupt him to say it again slightly louder, trying to get it through his head that he has a girl.

“Y/N, I chose wrong!" He almost shouts, which startles you slightly. He takes a breath and speaks softer, "I like Ashley, I do. She's a great girl, who has treated me better than I deserve, but… but she isn’t you. You are who I want. Who I've always wanted. I need you. You… you made the nightmares disappear. You made me happier than I ever was in this life or my previous life. You make me feel whole. You are the only one I could ever want."

Your heart starts pound again and there are so many butterflies in your stomach, as you takes in all that he just said. You feel a mix of pure happiness, excitement, and just absolute euphoria, but at the same time you are terrified. He continues to look deep into your eyes and you see behind all the heartbreak, there is unconditional love.

“What about Jeremy, and… and Ashley?” you whisper, not trusting your voice. 

Bucky takes a step closer and once again cups your face with both hands. “Well, I’ll talk with Ashley and tell her the truth. I feel bad for leading her on, and I will understand if she hates me, but I have to be honest. I should have been from the beginning. And as far as Jeremy goes… well I guess that’s up to you,” he says leaning in and resting his forehead on yours.

You take a deep breath and smell his cologne. It smells like home. All you want to do is jump into his arms, but your so scared. You really liked Jeremy, but you are so in love with Bucky. You pushed him away too many times, but he continues to come back, wanting to be with you. But how can you just hurt Jeremy like that? It's not fair to Jeremy or Bucky. You need to stop this circle of hurt that you have caused, but do you just give up on Jeremy, who you feel yourself falling for? Or is Jeremy going to be your Ashley. Someone you think you can fall for but will never amount to Bucky.

“No matter what you decide, I am going to end it with Ashley and move back home,” Bucky says, pulling you from your thoughts.

You look up at him and don’t honestly know what to say. Everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion. You're so beyond happy that he is moving home, yet you feel bad for Ashley, and you're now confused on what to do about Jeremy. You can't seem to get a handle on all your different emotions.

Bucky, once again steps closer and leans in. You allow yourself this one thing before you take time to decide. Just as your lips are about to touch his, you hear the chime of the elevator and quickly push yourself away. Ashley and Jeremy both walk out of the elevator and see both of you. Jeremy lifts his one eyebrow in question, “Is everything okay?” he asks you. You give him a small smile and nod. 

Ashley stands there and looks at Bucky, but says nothing. Jeremy walks over and drapes his arm over your shoulders and pulls you with him back toward the elevator. You quickly look back over your shoulder and see Bucky watching you leave, glaring at Jeremy. You walk into the elevator and give Bucky a small nod as the doors close. 

Bucky stands there looking at the elevator, feeling jealousy run through his veins. He doesn’t notice that Ashley has walked up and is now standing next to him. Ashley however continues to look at Bucky and it makes her realize that she will never win his heart. His heart belonged to someone, but it wasn’t her, and will never be her. 

“Bucky… I think we need to talk,” she says sadly.

Bucky looks at her, regret flooding his eyes. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

Chapter Text

“Ashley, I am sorry. I haven’t been fair to you, and I should have stopped this so long ago.” Bucky said softly.

Ashley was sitting on a chair on the roof, looking down at her hands. She shook her head. “Bucky, I knew you loved her. I hoped it would work out for us, but I shouldn’t have kept this up. I knew.” She said looking at him.

Bucky felt so much guilt for how everything had gone down. He knows everything was his fault. “I wasn’t honest with you. You asked me if I could love you, and I said yes. I.. the fault is mine.” he insisted.

She smiled warmly at him and stood up. Walking over, she took his hands, “Just promise me you won't screw this up, again. She loves you, and I know she has Jeremy now, but that was just to get over you. You know what that's like. Talk to her. Tell her the truth, and both of you need to stop being stupid.”

Bucky laughed and hugged her. “You deserve the world on a silver platter,” he whispered in her hair. He lead her to the elevator and brought her down to the main floor. She had called an Uber, which was waiting for her. “Take your time with getting your stuff, make this right first.” She said giving him a kiss on the cheek. She got into the car and left without looking back.

Bucky watched the car leave the Tower, before he turned back toward the doors to head back into the party. When he walked in, he immediately found you slow dancing with Jeremy. His stomach was in knots, hoping you hadn’t completely given up on him. Your eyes met his and you saw the guilt and sadness in them.

Jeremy held you tightly as you danced, almost like he knew he was about to lose you. “You okay?” he asked. You didn’t know how to respond, because you weren’t sure if you were okay. Bucky wanted back in your life, which is what you wanted more than anything, but at the same time, Jeremy has been amazing and made you feel so good.

“I’m honestly just very confused,” you said looking into his eyes.

He nodded and lead you off the dance floor, toward the bar. He grabbed you drinks and you both sat at a table off to the side. “Yeah, I figured, but can I just say one thing?” You nodded in encouragement. “I really like you, and I know you like me. I also know you have feelings for that guy, deep ones. I don’t want to lose the chance to continue what we have, but if he really is the one, then you need to tell me.”

Your heart was caught in your throat and you felt the tears starting to pool. “I really like you too Jeremy. I had every intention of continuing this, but I just don’t know if I can. I really just need some time to think of everything, if that is alright?” you say quietly. You were worried Jeremy was just going to reject you, but he put his hand on yours. “Take all the time you need. I will be here when you are ready. If it’s not me, than I will accept that, but I secretly hope it is me.”

You laugh and nod, tears spilling from your eyes. Jeremy leaned in and kissed your cheek, lingering for a moment before downing his drink and heading out. You abandoned your drink, just wanting some time alone to your thoughts. As you make your way through the party, you can’t help but feel Bucky’s eyes on you. 

You are thankful when he does not come onto the elevator with you, as you really need time alone. You make it back into your room and quickly jump into the shower where you allow yourself to once again sob. You hated feeling so torn. Your thoughts were everywhere and you hated that no matter who you choose, someone you care about will get hurt. You didn’t want to think about anything else at that moment, but you knew that a decision would have to be made and soon.

After you change into sweats and a tank top, you plop onto your bed and stare at the ceiling. You were magically hoping that the answer would appear in front of you, but nothing. Suddenly you heard a soft knock, and you prayed it wasn’t Bucky. When you opened the door, the man of the hour was standing there looking worried. 

“Look, I know you might not want to talk to me right now, but I just want to say one more thing before I leave you to think about everything,” he said pleading. You allow him into your room, and you would be lying if you said you didn’t want to just be in his arms. 

“Okay, I owe you an apology for everything. I shouldn’t have listened to you when you told me to go for Ashley. Hell, I should have forced you to let me in when you distanced yourself from me in the first place. I gave up too easily, which was wrong. The man who loves you should fight to the death, and I want you to know I am fighting now. I know you like that Jeremy guy, and I see the way he treats you. I would be lying if I said he wouldn't be a great fit for you, but I know deep in my soul, you and I are endgame.”

“You are the missing piece I have been looking for. I went through all my torture and 70 years of hell to bring me here and now, and it was all worth it," he says.

You look at him in surprise. "It was," He says again cupping your face, "because you are here, and you are my soulmate. We are meant to be, and I know you feel it too but are scared. I hurt you, and I want to hurt myself for doing that, but I promise I will make it up to you for the rest of our lives. So, that’s all I wanted to say. I love you, Y/N. You’re the love of my life, and no one will ever take me from you again.”

You didn’t even realize you were crying until you lunged at him and felt his embrace. He just made this whole thing so much harder. Bucky kissed your head and let you cry it out. Once you calmed down you pulled back and looked into his eyes. You leaned in and kissed him.

"I love you. More than you know, hell more than I even truly understand. We have been so messed up with this whole thing, and I know it was because I pushed you away. This was all my fault. I pushed you into Ashley's arms. And while you have just said everything I've wanted to hear from you, I..." you pull back and look down. 

"I think we both need to take time. We both need to be single and re-evaluate our feelings and wants. I have all the faith in the world that we will end up together. But we both need to take time to rebuild ourselves after these horrible months. I need to know if you are ok with going back to just being friends. I don't know how long it will take, or if it will happen at all, but I just think we both need to make sure that this is really going to work."

Bucky felt his heart break, but felt some semblance of hope. He wanted to try and convince you that he was ready now, but he knew that you wouldn't want to jump right into this. "I can't lie, that wasn't the answer I was hoping for, but I meant what I said on the roof. I will accept whatever you will give me. I just want to know, does this mean you and Jeremy have broken up?" he asks.

"I told Jeremy I needed time, which is the truth. I know I have to discuss this with him, so that he doesn't get his hopes up for anything anytime soon, or ever," you say.

Bucky nods hating that he might still not get you, "So we are back to being friends? Finding our way back to each other?" he asks.

You nod with a small smile, "Yes. I have to think about how to break the news to Jeremy, but I want to do this right with you. And I think this is the best way to do it."

–

A week has past since the night of the party. Bucky has officially moved back into the compound, which makes you extremely happy. You had asked him to give you a few days of space so you can confront Jeremy, which he accepted. It has taken a full week, today is the day that you will break the news to Jeremy not to wait for you. You feel bad, because you feel like you lead him on, but you want to be honest. Honesty is more important to you now than ever before after this shit show.

You walk into the coffee shop and see Jeremy sitting at a table in the back with your order. You walk up and sit giving him a small smile, "Thank you for meeting me and ordering my coffee," you say.

"Of course. I was nervous and got here early, so I figured I would order," he said.

You take a deep breath and look into his eyes, "Jeremy, I'm sure you have figured out why I wanted you to meet with me," you said. He nods, "Yea, I figured it was to let me down easy, and you don't have to. We only went on a few dates, and I know you are in love with that Bucky guy. I honestly hoped that we could work something out, but I understand, really. You don't have to explain," he says.

You nod and wipe some tears, "I hope I wasn't leading you on. You are a great guy, and if I wasn't in love with my best friend, I would gladly love to try this with you. And even still Bucky and I are going to take things extremely slow. Go back to being friends and see if we can make it work, but I have to try," you say.

Jeremy nods, "Yeah, you do. I have a feeling you both will work out just fine. I wish you luck, Y/N. You deserve happiness, even though I know you don't think you do," he says before giving you a kiss on the cheek and leaving.

You sat there for awhile longer thinking about everything that has gone down over the last several months. The emotional roller coaster that has been your life, but now will hopefully be smooth sailing from here. You finally get up and head back to compound where you found Sam, Steve, and Bucky sitting in the common room watching TV. You give them all a smile and go to sit next to Bucky.

He looks at you and gives you a small smile to see if you're ok, knowing where you were. You nod and smile back, which causes his to widen. He grabs your hand and kisses it before putting it back down and looking back at the TV. You look at him for a few more moments before also turning away to look at the TV. This was your new start with Bucky. You were going to allow you both the heal from this disaster of a year, and learn who you are and each other as well. 

You finally, for the first time in awhile, feel content.

Chapter Text

It took several weeks before you felt that you were ready to hang out with Bucky again. He understood your hesitation, the last several months were emotionally exhausting for both of you. When you were in a group setting, you still sat next to him. You would talk to him when seeing each other around the compound, but you didn't go out of your way to be with him. But after a few weeks you were missing him like crazy, even if you see him every day. You went to his room and knocked on the door, suddenly feeling nervous. After a few minutes of no answer you took out your phone and called him. Again no answer. You decided to text him.

Hey. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out? I miss you.

Yes! I would love to hang out! I miss you too! I should be back in about an hour. I'm at Ashley's.

You looked at your phone and you couldn't help the jealousy that sprouted. Why was he at Ashley's? Did he change his mind about ending things with her? The thoughts in your head kept swimming that before you knew it, Bucky texted saying it was on his way. You went to your room and locked the door. Will it ever be easy with the two of you, or is there just too much water under the bridge? Is this because you made him wait? Was he just not able to wait long enough for you? Were you not worth it? These were all the thoughts that went through your head as you laid in bed and softly cried.

Bucky came out of the elevator with the last of his belongings from Ashley's. He was happy that it was now over and everything was back to what it was supposed to be. He will always be friendly with Ashley, though he knows she needs time, but he will never feel for her like he does for you. He was so excited that you texted him to hang out. He has been trying to be as patient as possible, and it finally paid off. Today starts day 1 of your new relationship. He is going to continue to respect you wanting to go slow, because just being near you right now is enough, but he will not rest until you are his. He loves you, you love him. He doesn't need anything else. 

He quickly went to his room to drop off the last box and looked at his phone to see if you responded to his last text. You didn't. He furrowed his brows but thought maybe you fell asleep waiting for him. The thought of you sleeping soundly, looking so beautiful made his heart skip a beat. He walked next door and softly knocked on your door to wake you and not startle you. He waited for a few minutes and grew concerned when you didn't answer. He knocked again and called out to you, "Y/N? You in there?"

You sat on your bed and contemplated if you should answer or ignore him. You thought back on all the bullshit you went through the last few weeks and realized that it all started because you didn't give him a chance to explain. You needed to swallow your pride and let him tell you that he was back with Ashley. Then and only then could you tell him how you feel. Friendship will be off the table if what you think is happening is indeed happening. You hear him knock one more time and finally stand.

Bucky felt his heart pounding as he heard the door unlock. When the door opened he saw you standing there, eyes red and puffy from crying. Feeling concerned he took a step toward you to pull you into him, but you stepped back. He felt his heart drop. Were you having second thoughts already? No. He wasn't letting this happened again. He wasn't losing you again! Not when he hasn't even gotten a chance to have you. He looks at you, blue eyes to Y/E/C. He sees the sadness in your eyes, you see the concern.

"Y/N? What happened?" he asked softly. 

You shook your head, "I'm so stupid," you said as you turned and walked back to your bed.

Bucky cautiously followed you in and closed the door. You walked to the bed and sat looking at your feet. Bucky continued to walk toward you and finally knelt down in front of you. He slowly put his hand on your knee and rubbed small circles with his thumb. You looked at his hand and then back into his eyes.

"Tell me what happened. Why are you upset?" he asked in a pleading manner. 

You took a deep breath, "I thought this was our time. I thought we were finally on the same page, and then I find out you are still hanging out with Ashley. I... I feel so stupid that I thought you would wait for me. That you would give me time," you say before covering your face and sobbing.

You felt Bucky's hand leave your knee and you thought he was just going to leave your room, but you then felt his weight beside you on the bed. Before you knew it he easily picked you up and placed you on his lap, wrapping his arms around you. You felt vibrations from him, and thought he might have been crying as well, but as you calmed down, you realized he wasn't crying he was laughing. You look up and see him smiling back down at you, and your sadness turned into anger.

"What the fuck Bucky. I'm sitting here crying because of you and you're laughing!?" you yelled as you got off his lap.

Bucky tried to contain his laughter, but couldn't and started laughing even harder. You stood there in shock as you watched the man before you completely lose himself in laughter. After a few moments, he finally calmed down and looked at you with utter adoration. The look confused the hell out of you. What was he playing at?

"Oh, Y/n. You are by far the most adorable, feisty, self sacrificing idiot I've ever met," he said with a little chuckle. 

Your eyebrows shot up, "Excuse me?" you ask menacingly, daring him to say it again.

Bucky stood before you. "You're an idiot, but you're my idiot. I love you. Do you hear me? I. Love. You." he says.

You look at him dumbfounded. He laughs again and wraps his one arm around you, while pulling your face up to his and crashing his lips on yours. After a few moments you respond to the kiss in earnest. You've missed his lips. You've missed his hands on you. You've missed him. Bucky deepens the kiss before picking you up from behind your thighs and sitting back on the bed with you straddling his lap. 

When breath was too much you pull away and look at Bucky with his bruised kissed lips. Bucky caresses your face, "I was picking up the last of my stuff from Ashley's house. I've been meaning to grab it for awhile, but with all the meetings and stuff I haven't had time, until today. If you think for one moment, I am ever letting you go again, you are seriously mistaken. I would wait forever for you. I love you. Forever," he says before kissing you again.

Your heart completely exploded. He wasn't with Ashley! He is waiting for you! You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him as close as you can. When you finally pulled away you allow Bucky to move down your cheek, placing open mouthed kisses down your neck to your collarbone. You couldn't help but grind down in his lap, which caused him to moan. He moved his hands to your waist and stopped your movement before pulling away from your neck.

"As much as I want you, and I'm sure you can feel how much I want you," he said causing you to giggle as you indeed felt the bulge in his pants, "we should go slow. Go with the plan we said. Let's go slow and build up to this. I can wait. I'm not going anywhere," he said pecking you softly on the lips.

You nodded, "I'm not going anywhere either. I'm yours Bucky. I love you. I'm sorry I was so stupid. I was scared I lost you again," you said.

"Never. You will never lose me, baby. I'm yours," he said.

You stand up from his lap and grab his hand, "I was planning on dinner and movie night?" you said.

He smiled, "Sounds perfect, doll. Let's go," he said leading out out of your room hand in hand.

One Year Later

You have been dating Bucky for one year, and you have to say, it’s been amazing. You both learned that communication is key, and that has definitely helped your relationship. Going slow and rebuilding your relationship was exactly what you needed and you don't regret anything. You've officially move in together and even got a cat, Alpine. You love your little family. You spend pretty much every day together, hating to be apart, except for missions. 

You notice, however, over the last few weeks, Bucky has been slightly distant. He has been leaving the room when on the phone, texting someone all the time, and going out alone for hours on end. You get nervous that he found someone else. Maybe him and Ashley got back together. Why are you still hung up on Ashley? You know he isn't with her. Ashley and Jeremy actually got together and have been in a loving relationship. So was it someone else? You try to tell Nat and Wanda about your feelings, but they tell you that you are probably over reacting. You try to think past it, but you know something is up.

One day Nat suggests you going for a walk to calm down after you had a breakdown in her room about your theory. You walked to Central Park and stroll around for hours. Then you walk along the West Side Highway and walk up the Hudson River. You hated that even after a year together, you still have zero confidence. It's something you have been working on, but obviously you still need to get yourself together. You receive text from your boyfriend, hours later, asking where you are. You ignore him and keep walking. 

When it was finally too dark to continue, you make your way back toward the tower, texting Bucky to tell him you were coming back. You feel utterly defeated, the walk doing nothing to curb your anxiety and sadness. When you get up to the residential floors, you notice that all is quiet, which is weird for a Friday night. You head to your shared bedroom, your head hanging low. When you open the door your breath gets caught in your throat.

The room is surrounded by many lit candles and roses scattered around. Bucky is standing in the middle of the room in nice jeans and his red henley. Your favorite outfit of his. Tears immediately flood to your eyes as you stumble into the room to Bucky’s extended hand. He pulls you toward him and holds your left hand as he wipes the tears from your eyes with his flesh hand.

“Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N, you are the light and love of my life. I love you more than anything is this world. You have been my best friend for three years, and my best girl for one. I have loved every moment spent with you, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us. To quote one of your favorite Disney movies, I love you… to infinity and beyond, because my love for you is never ending.”

You are sobbing as Bucky drops to one knee, taking the black velvet box out of his pocket and opening it up to the most beautiful diamond ring you have ever seen. “My love, my heart, my soul is yours forever. Y/N, my love, will you please marry me?” he asks as tears start pooling in his eyes.

You choke on the sob, nodding since the words won’t come out. Bucky stands and pulls you into a passionate kiss. When you pull back you just keep chanting in a whisper, “yes, yes, yes I will marry you.” You hug him tightly, never wanting to let go. You can’t believe you thought the worst again. You and Bucky had a love of a lifetime, and neither of you will ever let it go.

I guess they were right. Some men and women can’t just be friends. You were glad you were wrong in this instance.