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Sting just stopped in his tracks. He was still, not moving, with his eyes slightly opened in clear surprise in what he just heard, trying to believe that was some trick of his mind but it wasn't, Stewart just called him 'Gordon' in a way that Sting didn't like it at all.
When he was able to move again, he just turned and faced Stewart with a big frown above his eyes and a wild, defiant look ready to confront him like he never done before 'cause, saying his name like that meant war to Sting.
But what Sting didn't know was that he won't be able to confront Stewart, because his world was falling apart after hearing that name in such way as Stewart said it. He didn't know how much that name hurt, but he was going to find out.
"Listen to me, Copeland, I-" He started angry, as he never was before, raising his voice and cold eyes but then something happened, something that he could not explain but he started to shake uncontrollably as his words stuck on his tongue, leaving a long pause and not being able to talk.
Meanwhile Stewart rolled his eyes already bored of this silly argument and Sting's dense and dramatic ways. He turned around and made his way to the piano's corner and sat in the stool admiring the instrument as if it were the most incredible thing ever, but the truth was that he was just trying to ignore Sting and his unfinished verbal attack. Stewart heard that Sting stuck on his words but he didn't care since the bassist was dramatic enough to make a pause like that to make him feel bad on purpose.
But what Stewart didn't realise was that Sting started to have problems to breathe.
Sting's eyes where on somewhere else but in the room. His heart was pounding rapidly. He didn't know why but, all of a sudden, he started to get scared but he knew why as soon as his eyes focused on the person he was confronting. His vision was blurry, he thought he was going to faint but it was something worse than that. His breathing was short and the air wasn't enough, feeling how his breathing was unsuccessful and it was all because of the still blurry shape that was in front of him.
He didn't know why or what was happening but Stewart wasn't there anymore, instead, the shape of his father took form and it was standing there, just waiting, contemptuously looking at him, judging him. What he was thinking? He could not confront his father like that. He will murder him. He will go to sail and leave him if he does. He must not raise his voice. He must not looking at him that way. He should be ashamed of addressing at his father like that. He must not be sensitive. He should not be afraid of his own father. He would say fear is pathetic.
No. No, he can't keep intimidating him like that. He can't keep doing this to him.
But he will tell him he is a failure, the worst son that he could ask for and Sting can't bare that one more time, he ran away from that long ago, he didn't need to hear that again, no, no he doesn't want to and he is not going to.
But he needed to stand up for himself. He needed to defend himself from his father and tell him he can't keep saying those things to him because he's a grown man and it doesn't affect him anymore... does it?
"You can't-... I-... You-... Don't-... Dad-..." He babbled out of the blue.
Stewart opened his eyes wide and turned to Sting who was with his eyes fixed on him but at the same time they were far away from the room. Suddenly all his anger was gone and worry took its place. A knot in the stomach appeared by hearing him trying to catch his own breathing. Goosebumps all over his skin when he heard the word 'Dad' coming from Sting's mouth that was, apparently, addressed to him.
Everything happened so fast, Sting turned around giving Stewart his back, trying to recover himself but he couldn't. He needed to act fast or Sting was going to past out in any moment. Stewart, not quite knowing what to do, quickly approached to Sting and hugged him from behind, bringing the bassist's back close with his chest. They were so melted together, that Stewart could feel Sting's heart going like crazy inside his chest. The drummer slipped his hands to hold Sting's tense wrists and bring them to his chest slowly. He could feel Sting's shaking body, not shivering but actually shaking with fear and he swear he saw tears in his eyes. Oh boy, what he has done? He didn't mean to cause all this. He didn't mean to cause any pain to Sting but for some reason it always end up happening.
"Sting, mate, you need to breathe okay? Just breathe. Breathe with me" Said Stewart softly in his ear while both of them took a deep breath, or so Sting was trying, letting it go slowly. Sting's exhalation was all shattered and that made Stewart's heart do a flip, fuck, why he can't think before speak? The fact that he called him 'Gordon' on purpose was the worst thing he has ever done and that thought was not going to leave his mind now. He was trying to be as hurtful as Sting was being. He was trying to compete with him, see who hurts who and it seems that Stewart always wins but it didn't feel like a victory at all, it never does. When they are competing, he doesn't realise all the hurtful things they are saying to each other but Stewart seemed to have the curse to win most of the times. Although he is satisfied with that for a couple of seconds, he always regrets winning. "Three more times, breathe for me alright?" Asked Stewart rubbing his cheek against the back of Sting's head.
Stewart knew that Sting was sort of a broken guy with a lot of emotional problems going on but he didn't know why sometimes he liked to touch those deep wounds on purpose.
He always knew Sting had trouble with his father, he won't explicitly admit it but he was transparent about it. Also, Stewart sensed it by himself the day he visited Sting's house for the first time. He knew that something was wrong in their relationship, but he couldn't tell or even ask, because Sting was obviously silent about it and Stewart understood what his silent meant. It meant 'I don't want to talk about it'.
He would talk about it, though. When he, one night, woke up screaming 'Don't leave' or when he used to drink a little bit more than usual.
Stewart understood and still understands that Sting don't want to talk about it because either is painful or embarrassing for him. But he also understands that not talking about it openly was killing him inside, slowly.
But he never expected this. If he only knew that calling him by his name would cause him to have a panic attack, he would never have done it. He now sees what his father still does to him and a short rage came over him but it quickly turned into guilt and sorrow for intentionally wanting to hurt him by calling him by his name.
"I'm sorry..." Stewart sighed heavily as he slowly hugged Sting's shoulder trying to bring him even more closer.
Sting sighed as well, "Is not your fault, Stew" He doesn't blame Stewart for what just happened to him, it will be silly if he does because the only thing that Stewart did was calling him by his name.
"I know..." Stewart replied with sadness in his voice, not very common in him. "That's why I am sorry..." When Sting heard those words, something broke inside him, but in a good way, like a hard shell. The bassist just let himself fall into Stewart's embrace, and as soon as he felt the drummer's body heat wrapping him up, Sting started to soflty sob because that was the moment in which he understood that he could be vulnerable with Stewart, because he will understand him, he won't judge him. With Stewart he can be the sensitive boy that his father didn't want him to be, actually letting him show his emotions and that hits him deeply.
Although he was feeling a little bit pathetic, he just continued sobbing almost uncontrollably like if all his pain was being pushed out just now. He was used to feel silly when his emotions take him but it was not the case this time.
Stewart just let him be and he didn't think twice before hug him tightly with the innocent intention of see if he could fix him by doing so.
Some minutes passed until Sting softly broke the hug.
"So..." Sting sniffed his now red nose and smiled "Where we left?" He joked referring to the previous argument.
We left in me keep holding you thought Stewart. "Some drums arrangements..." he replied forcing himself to smile.
"Ah yes, I see.." Sting said "I reached the conclusion that I like your arrangement very much. Maybe if you could add more hit hat to it with the bass drum off beat-" The bassist started to talk fast but he was soon interrupted by Stewart.
"Sting, Sting stop for a second" asked the drummer paying the minimum attention to what Sting was saying. Sting stopped and looked back at Stewart. "How often this happens to you?"
Sting shrugged, as if he were trying to hiding himself. "Not so often..." he replied quietly.
"Are you sure it wasn't my fault?" Stewart asked knowing that it had to do with him.
"No. No, I mean... well" Sting sighed "It is not your fault, it was just the tone and my name..." Sting looked away.
"... he managed to spoil your name..." whispered Stewart with concern. He wasn't supposed to said that outloud. "What if I say it-"
"-Don't-"
"-Softy-"
"-Stewart-.."
"I want to help you, Gordon" He said it. And he said in such a caring way, very different from early. It felt like a caressing to Sting. "Sting, you called me 'Dad'.." Stewart said quietly and worried. Clearly unsure about bringing the topic up again.
Sting's face fell and his eyes dropped to the floor. "It was an accident, I- I didn't mean it" Stewart got to see that vulnerable side of his. That meant he was opening up to him, not very common in Sting. He had that damn habit to keeping all for himself and it always ended badly.
"But why you did that? It can't be an accident. It was because I remind you of him?" Asked Stewart afraid of the answer.
Sting opened his eyes wide and shook his head violently. "...no.. No, no. No, when I was panicking I saw him instead of you." Sting guessed it probably was some trick of his mind due to the panick attack, but he won't say that.
"So you saw him instead of me..." Whispered Stewart in a realization. "Are you sure that is not because I called you 'My son' sometimes?" The one who was panicking now was Stewart. The drummer was not relieved with the answer that Sting gave him and he did not care about how stupid his question may sound because there was something about his gaze, his speaking and his tone that Stewart noticed. He. wanted. to. be. fucking. sure.
"Is none of that" Sting replied quickly and quietly, hoping that Stewart could relax and stop talking for a second. "That would be so ridiculous if it was, so stop it, Stewart." Sting was not looking Stewart in the eye. That didn't mean Sting was lying but I did mean that Sting was caught off guard.
"There is nothing silly in that! I do remind you of him, don't I? When I say something bad about you? Or when we fight and I threaten you with leaving the band?" Stewart started to talk, blinded by the worry and impotence that he didn't realize what he was saying. "Why would you refer to me as your father if you didn't see something similar then?" He asked. Not stopping to think of what he was saying, or even think about the tone he said all that. He was completely scared of Sting's view of him. He didn't want to look threatening to Sting. Goddamn it, he was tired of hurting him.
"I DON'T KNOW, STEWART PLEASE STOP ASKING!" Pleaded Sting with so much desperation in his voice. His eyelids were shut with such an emotion that his eyebrows were too close together, revealing pain in his expression.
They stood there, not talking, not looking at each other, mostly because Sting was still with his eyelids shut trying to relax and preventing himself from crying again.
Stewart never heard him or saw him like this before. He looked so fragile that the drummer was scared to hurt him even more. He started to think and overthink about everything, specially about what he just said. He really does have the curse to being noisy, huh? He doesn't know when to shut up. When to stop talking. Think before speaking. When to go away before hurting people. When to-
His self-destructive thoughts were interrupted by a warm body trying to slowly nuzzle into him, almost looking for shelter, or he daresay, comfort.
By the time that Sting opened his eyes again, he found himself wrapped up by Stewart's arms and he felt safe.
Stewart didn't need to ask for more, he was sure Sting will open up after this, in his own time. The hug seemed just fine for now. He felt all the pain that Sting had in his chest when he pleaded Stewart to shut up. It was the voice of someone crying for some help. Sting carried all that on his heart for too long and Stewart was willing to helping him with the pain.
The drummer stroke Sting's hair for a bit. This could have been a sweet scenario if it wasn't for the bitter discussion and topic. Well, now that he comes to think of it, the scenario was bittersweet, just like their relationship.
Stewart was just scared of losing Sting and he bassist understood that. He never thought Stewart was like his father, he wasn't that fucked up, but he lost control of his mind and it played a nasty trick on him making him feel scared of Stewart for minutes but thankfully he saw who was who.
His father was the shadow of his past, the memories that makes him travel back to where those moments come from.
Stewart was his dreams of playing music that makes him travel to the future, see the future, be excited about the future.
But most importantly, his soulmate.
Sting hugged him tighter, feeling that if he let go, he would lose his dreams and his chance to be stronger than the demons of his father's words.
When Stewart saw the door being kicked by a short leg he could tell it was Andy and he didn't look happy. He felt Sting going uneasy behind his arms so he broke the hug slowly as the bassist turned to the guitarist with his usual eyebrow raised and his smirk and that was the moment that Stewart learned Sting could change his expression and mask his pain in a span on les than two second. A note to keep in mind.
"Don't fucking tell me I just missed the fight" An angry voice made them break the hug one more time to turn around and find their dear Andy with his arms crossed. "I just went to the damm toilet and I missed everything!" He complained with exasperation.
The bassist and the drummer just exchanged a look and smiled in amusement.
"Alright, alright, don't tell me. Sting won again, right?" He asked massaging his forehead in a very dramatic way.
"No. This time Stewart won" Answered Sting turning to Stewart.
"I don't want to even know what he won, you can keep that for yourselves." Andy raised his eyebrows and his arms at the same time.
Oh, surely they would keep this for themselves.
They shared another look before convincing Andy that it was a very intense fight and promise him that they would not start a fight if he was not there.
END