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How could anyone love me?
Ochako’s eyes lifted to gaze across her room to her vanity, meeting her own gaze in the mirror. Just looking at her room through that thin sheet of metal made her gut wrench with guilt. Clothes were scattered everywhere. Her bed was messy. Old takeout containers from weeks of delivery scattered across her room. Dirty dishes. An old glass that was beginning to form mold across the top of whatever liquid used to be inside.
And then Ochako made eye contact with herself.
Her hair was greasy and knotted. She had changed clothes in three days. Hadn’t taken a shower longer than that. She could see the bags under her eyes from many restless nights.
She was a mess.
Her lower lip trembled and she laid back down and curled onto her side, holding a pillow tightly against her chest. As if it could do anything to ease the pain. To ease the suffocating feeling in her lungs. Her vision began to blur with tears and she blinked to clear her sight before she felt her face curl up. She shut her eyes again as she let out a whimper into her pillow.
And then she began to sob.
It wracked her body, stole the breath from her lungs, and left her unable to do anything besides pity herself. Her thoughts were racing, so loud.
Worthless.
You’re pathetic.
You should go ahead and kill yourself already.
Nobody will care.
Nobody will miss you.
You would be doing everyone a favor.
Ochako did her best to steady her breathing but she couldn’t. It was too hard. Every breath felt like razor blades against her raw throat.
Why am I still here?
I should be dead.
Her thoughts were interrupted briefly, if for a moment, as she felt her phone vibrating next to her on the bed. With bleary eyes, Ochako reached out, shaking, to grip the device and turned the screen towards her face. She squinted, blinded briefly by the bright light, before she blinked away the lingering tears from her eyes.
Her phone was still vibrating, Mina’s name was at the center of the screen. Ochako swiped down on her phone. She couldn’t talk to her. She wouldn’t understand. She couldn’t bother Mina with how she was feeling. It wasn’t fair to expect Mina to take care of her. It wasn’t fair to expect Mina to listen to all of Ochako’s problems. She felt selfish.
I’m a bad friend.
Ochako sniffled again before burying her face in her pillow once more to stifle the fresh wave of cries that came from her.
X-X-X
She stayed like that for a long time. Or maybe it just felt like a long time. Her eyes hurt. They were so dry. She needed more tissues. There were some in the bathroom. She could get them. Yeah, that would be manageable.
Feeling as tho weights were shackled to her limbs, Ochako got up. She gripped her phone, bringing it with her as she opened her door to step into the dead quiet of her apartment. She turned left to head down her hallway to the door at the end. Her bathroom. Tissues then she could go back. That’s all.
As Ochako flipped on the light to the bathroom she turned to look at her sink. She couldn’t avoid her mirror. Up close she looked even worse. Eyes now puffy from crying. Her whole face, really. Her wet cheeks. The snot glistened beneath her nose. Ochako’s limp trembled once more but she closed her eyes and took in a long, shaky breath. She would be okay. Tissues. She just needed tissues and she could leave.
You look awful.
You can’t even take care of yourself.
Why don’t I just die already?
Ochako gripped the edges of her sink as the panic began to settle into her system. She couldn’t breathe. She was suffocating. Her fingers were white from gripping the porcelain. And her face was becoming red. She locked eyes with herself and upon seeing herself again the breath finally made it back into her lungs.
And then she was crying again. There were no tears. Only painful cries that hurt her body. Taking everything out of her.
Ochako lifted her hand and opened her medicine cabinet. She observed the bottles in there. Nothing but pain killers and cold medicines. Nothing strong enough. But maybe.
Maybe if she took all that was left she’d finally be free.
Everything felt clear. Like there was a purpose. A meaning. She accepted that this was the end. Everything felt right.
She began to struggle with the lid on the first bottle she grabbed. She couldn’t get it open. Maybe just needed to squeeze harder on it.
Please.
Just open.
I want to be free.
Ochako was broken out of her stupor as she heard her phone vibrate once more against the sink. She reached out, swiping up to see that she had a voicemail. A voicemail from Mina. She could listen to it. Needed to.
I love you, Mina.
I’ll miss you.
Ochako clicked on the notification. She wanted to hear Mina’s voice. This is the least she could do. So she wouldn’t forget her when she passed out. When she drifted away.
“Hey, Chako-chip.”
Mina’s voice sounded watery and Ochako paused.
“I’m just calling because I’m worried about you. I’m scared, Ochako. You- you haven’t been taking any of my calls and I-”
She heard Mina’s voice crack, heard the muffled crying from the other end. Mina sniffled once. Twice.
“I just need to know you’re okay. I love you, hun. I love being your friend. Having you in my life. And I’m so scared. I don’t know what I would do, what any of us would do, if you weren’t-”
She didn’t finish her thought.
Ochako knew what she wanted to say.
“Just. . . Just please call me back. I don’t even need you to call! Just text me. Let me know you’re still kicking.”
There was another pause. A few more sniffles and the sound of something rustling against the mic.
“You’ve always been my best friend, Chako-chip. Do you remember when we had a sleepover in my room at UA? You brought over so much mochi. You wanted to share with everyone. And then you ended up eating like, pretty much all of it by yourself.”
Mina laughed, and Ochako could hear the tears.
“You were so sick that night. You felt so bad, apologizing for ruining girl’s night. And after all that talk about how excited you were to finally have your first sleepover. But do you remember what I told you, Chako?”
You’ll cherish this memory someday.
“You’ll cherish this memory someday.”
“You’ve always been so kind. So considerate of others. But even the people that are there for everyone need someone to be there for them from time to time.
It was now that Ochako could hear Mina start crying, do her best to speak through the tears.
“So, please, just let me know you’re okay, okay? I love you and I can’t imagine living a life without you in it. You’ve always been there for me and I want to be there for you. Just. . . Please, Chako-chip.”
And the message ended.
Ochako felt numb. Her whole body felt cold and she was trembling. She stared at her phone and she realized she had been crying again. She hadn’t even noticed. She had been so focused on Mina’s voice. And when Ochako looked at the bottle in her hands, now open, she began to cry.
She screamed, letting out all her pain. Everything she had. All her frustration and suffering. And when she started to feel woozy she let herself sit on the cold tiles of her bathroom floor. The feeling grounded her somehow. Kept her there. Present.
She stayed like that for a while. Numb and empty. Letting her mind and body process everything. And once she felt she was ready, she pressed against her screen and lifted the phone to her ear.
It rang. Once. Twice. Then she heard it click.
“Hey, Chako-chip”
“Hey, Mina. I’m not doing okay. Can you come over?”
“Of course, babes. I’ll bring some mochi and ice cream and some rom-coms, okay?”
“Yeah. . .”
“Ochako?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for reaching out.”