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In trying times, she was always there. The first person I'd run to when the world feels like throwing me out to the endless sea of stars in the galaxy. My emergency contact when everything didn't seem in agreement with me, which was everyday. My safe haven in the middle of nowhere and emptiness. My light at the end of the tunnel.
Mina.
Mina was never anywhere. She was always in one place and stayed there forever. That place was by my side. She never left it. She never left me. It's not that she was clingy, she said that she just felt incomplete without me. I felt the same. For the longest time, I stayed with her. I never left her side, until I did.
5 years. 3 months. 16 days.
We were together for what I thought was the longest time. It wasn't. Or so I thought. Now, I feel like I should never think again. 5 years. Each year, a blessing— then turned into a curse. A breath of fresh air. An opportunity to start anew. To make new promises and start new petty fights. Until I was tired of making them with her. Everything became so tiring. The first three years were heaven, but the last two were suffocating. Now, I feel like my lungs are of no use, because they seriously didn't function right. From the light feeling of being blessed with someone like Mina, to a heavy one that drove me to happily go on with my days without even getting a glimpse of her.
Mina never changed. If consistency was a person, it would be her. I was changing everyday. I hurt her with it, but she never complained. They say "change for the better", but I willingly did for the worse. It was simple. I got tired of everything, I got tired of Mina. I let her feel that. If heartbreak was a person, it would be me.
It was inevitable. But things turned out differently. I was planning to end things between us, throw 5 years of supposed love away and hurt Mina for the nth time.
One rainy night, I picked her up from uni with a fake smile on my face. I figured I should at least put on an act, even if it was obvious. She ran out of the building with her hand above her head to protect her from the cold and heavy rain drops. When our eyes met, her face lit up and she brought the hidden sun in the dark clouds to shame. God, her smile was the loveliest, I'm surely going to miss that. I opened the car door for her quickly then went on the other side of the car to drive away to heartbreak lane. The ride was silent, but it wasn't awkward. Nothing was ever awkward with Mina, everything was always comfortable with her.
The silence was then broken by her soothing voice. "You haven't greeted me 'happy birthday' yet." Fuck. I forgot. Was I really going to break up with her on her birthday? "Oh. Yeah, happy birthday. I can buy you a cake from just a few blocks from here. Hold on." As if that would make everything better.
"You know, you could've at least sent me flowers before you break up with me. But I see that's too tiring for you as well." My eyes widened and my grip on the steering wheel tightened.
"What? How did you know?"
"You didn't need to tell me."
"But, how?"
"You were making it obvious."
Why did my chest feel so heavy? She then turned to me and looked into my eyes. Her eyes that used to hold the galaxy, now just holds tears that want to break hold and fall.
"That's why I'm doing you a favor by saving you time."
What was she trying to say?
"Let's break up, Jeong. We should."
Oh.
A tear came streaming down my face as I shifted the gear to turn my car to an empty space to park for a while.
"We should." I agreed. I'd been wanting this for the last two years.
"Thank you, Jeong. I hope I treated you well." Mina said as she opened the car door, closed it with all gentleness when she could've slammed it hard until my whole car shook, and walked to wherever, as long as I'll be out of her sight.
You treated me the best. No one could ever compare.
I was then free. I was never deprived of freedom. But, I could breathe. Until I couldn't. Why couldn't I? I was confused. I wanted this, I waited for this to happen. So, why couldn't I breathe? I was gasping for air that wasn't there. Until I looked at Mina’s picture in front of me, placed behind the steering wheel. She was smiling, she was the happiest. Suddenly, all the air I was gasping for was too much. The thought of being the reason Mina could never smile the brightest again made me suffocate. My lungs were fucking useless at that point.
Mina wasn't there.
All because, the whole time, I wasn't, too.
In my trying times, Mina was always there.
In hers, I stopped staying with her. It could’ve been better if I was hurting too.
Now, I'm trying. Times without her will never be worth bearing.