Chapter Text
Day turns to stars, as the stars turn to night. It’s been nearly 3 weeks since Commander Erwin Smith was killed in the fight for Shiganshina District. Although most have come to accept it by now, there are those whose wounds had not yet been bandaged.
Stars crept into the sky as the orange hue of paradis’ setting sun slowly faded into a black night. Watching the sky from a rather old, yet solid wooden bench outside of headquarters, your e/c orbs were tinted by the dying sun. You took in fresh air while the peaceful sound of silence captivated your thoughts. ‘When was the last time things were this calm?’ You wondered.
You were clothed in civilian attire, adorning a casual white dress with a black jacket draped over your shoulders. Although the items didn’t necessarily match, the cotton jacket was the only outer attire you had brought from last time you were home- you didn’t really predict a fall breeze to come this early in the season.
Clicking your heeled boots against the stone pathway, your mind enjoyed being thoughtless for the first time in what felt like years. That is until you sensed somebody gazing upon you. You slowly lowered your head from the sky, tilting it left to see whom the peeping tom was.
Levi looked up from the ground, you quickly reading his body language. His hands kept safe in his pockets, while he shuffled his feet around like a guilty child about to be scolded. He was nervous- that’s something you’d never seen from him before. You tried to ease those nerves with a gentle smile, “How do you do, Captain?”
He faltered, “Wondering what you are doing, soldier.”
You had been an elite soldier for a while now, having many encounters with Levi in the past. He had begun to see you as a “friend” like Hanji and the others, although the definition of said word doesn’t match up to his attitude towards you. However, you understood Levi is a little different when it comes to personal relationships and showing affection, so it’s alright.
Seeing him look so distraught caught you off guard, but it wasn’t completely surprising. He hadn’t left his room in weeks, so you could only presume how hard he was taking the loss of Erwin.
“I’m enjoying the night air- it’s quite nice. You should come enjoy it with me.” You placed a hand against the aged wood, signaling for him to come sit. He looked tense. With not seeing him in weeks, you were hoping to ease whatever disturbed his mind by sitting and chatting with him.
Levi cautiously walked forward, the night sky blending into his raven-colored hair. He looked at the creaking seat, showing no sign of emotion within his hardened expression. “I…,” He paused, hesitating to show his need for comfort, “I’m actually going to head back. I should sleep soon.” You caught the change of his brow from a stoic expression to a woeful one as he turned on his heel and began walking back.
When you first joined the scouts, wind carried rumors about the cold captain’s past to your dorms. Each girl within the room had a different story, so from what you could gather, this wasn’t Levi’s first rodeo with losing someone whom he loved. Humanity’s strongest was brought to his lowest, and you weren’t about to sit back and watch his heart collapse once more.
You grabbed the cuff of his sleeve, tugging it with a plead, “Levi, wait!”
He paused in his tracks, feeling his eyes begin to burn. All these weeks he stayed in his room, sitting in solitude with his desolate thoughts. Levi wouldn’t have even eaten if it wasn’t for you leaving meals by his door. The only way he knew it was you was because of your voice.
When leaving meals, you’d tap on his door a few times before saying in a soft, yet audible tone, “Enjoy your meal, Captain. Goodnight.” You began bringing food to him when taking notice of his absence for two days in a row after coming back from the last expedition. Having understood being a silent griever as you were one yourself, you thought nothing of your small act of kindness. It was just a way to show your respects to him. Levi, on the other hand, appreciated it more than you knew.
“Captain,” you started with a crack to your voice, “please talk to me.”
It was barely audible, but Levi caught the pain within your chest. He clenched his jaw, annoyed with himself at not understanding your kindness to him when all this time he’s been avoiding you and everyone else. Why would you want to tend to his mental agony? Why would he even allow himself to show such weakness in front of you? These are questions that ran through his head.
You tugged at his cuff once again, your eyebrows furrowed this time, “I’m worried about you.”
Those four words is all it took for him to give in. He couldn’t keep standing alone like this, it was eating him alive.
Levi mumbled, “I’m bad at talking about these things.”
“You don’t have to be.” You replied, making him turn towards you with his lips parted in disbelief for your words. Although you two considered each other friends, there was always a deeper connection between you and him. At least you felt there was one, but you couldn’t speak for Levi.
Seeing his poor posture, you examined his body up close and noticed the loss of muscle definition. By all means, he still looked attractive and well-built, but it was obvious that he had not been sticking to his usual exercise regimen. You sighed at the sight of his physical alongside mental agony; it was painful for you to watch.
You could smell his pain too. “Levi, when was the last time you… took care of yourself?”
He groaned with a low tone, “That bad, huh?”
“No- well, yea…” You cringed, “I didn’t mean to sound like an asshole.”
“You’re right though, I bet I smell like a kid from the underground again.” He sighed, a small tint of red rose upon his cheeks from embarrassment.
“Let me help you.” You stepped forward, crossing your arm into his and walking at his side. Levi was in no physical condition to break from your unexpectedly strong-arm lock, and he didn’t have the motivation too anyways.
Walking through the dimly lit barracks of the headquarters, Levi kept his vision on the floor as you walked him back to his room. Soldiers passed both of you in the corridors, giving out looks that you could read all too well. You knew that come tomorrow morning, you’d hear all about some new rumor involving you and Humanity’s strongest. But it didn’t bother you- right now you just wanted to help Levi.
His office door stood locked, making you motion with your hand for his key. He raised an arm, grabbing at it from above the door frame and unlocking the entryway, “Everyone thinks I’m too short to reach doorframes, so they don’t bother with checking for keys up there.” You couldn’t help but let out a small giggle, having heard others say that about him. And with being a few inches shorter than him, you wouldn’t think to check their either.
Levi walked forward, you followed behind. Upon walking in the room, it felt like a dagger went through your chest. You placed a hand over your mouth, seeing all the books you had known Erwin to be the owner of scattered about the floor of Levi’s office. Papers with Erwin’s eloquent handwriting on them, and drawings of Hanji, Mike, and Erwin were sloppily hidden under the books.
It broke your heart in 10 different ways, thinking about how this is what Levi has been sitting with. It was never solitude that he was in- it was memories; the most painful thing to be surrounded by.
You bent down, gently picking up one of the drawings. Levi watched, “I try to draw them when they aren’t looking.”
You looked to him with wide, curious eyes, “Why? Doesn’t it hurt?”
“After Farlan-,” Levi caught himself, “After some comrades died a few years ago, I began to forget their voices. Eventually, details of their faces. I learned how to draw people so I could never forget what they look like. Even when I’m old, if I make it that long.”
Upon examining the drawing you held, you realized it was his squad mates. It looked like a rough sketch of them cleaning the stables. Your lips curved upwards, feeling touched from learning this hidden skill of his, “I didn’t realize you thought of us this much.”
Levi looked away, staying silent. You’re smile disappeared with his silence, placing the paper back where it was before standing back up. You looked around the room, seeing a cracked open door that led into his bedroom. When you stepped forward to grab the handle, Levi quickly placed his hand on top of yours, “It’s not clean.”
You rose a brow, “And you think this office is?”
Lowering his head, Levi let his bangs cover his steel eyes. Removing his hand from yours, he relaxed his shoulders and kept his head down. You opened the door, revealing his bedroom. Uniforms and belts were scattered across the ground with more of Erwin’s books, along with old bed sheets. You were quick to notice his bed was stripped, only a torn sheet laying across it. On his nightstand, a shattered mirror stood, with dried blood under the shards. ‘Maybe he did this in a fit of rage?’
You turned around, gently grabbing his right arm to lift his hand into yours. Bruised skin and open wounds that were beet red dressed his knuckles. Levi kept his head down, figuring that you were trying to piece things together in your head so that he wouldn’t have to talk.
‘How considerate.’ He thought to himself.
Looking around the room, you saw an opened door to what you presumed to be his bathroom; It wasn’t dirty compared to the rest of his quarters. Taking another look back at his room, you decided how you were going to help him.
“Come on, I’ll start you a warm bath.”
Levi watched you disappear into the bathroom, the sound of rushing water following seconds after. He didn’t have the heart to look you in the eye, feeling too embarrassed by how weak he was. ‘Captain of the special operations squad, how can I be that? I’m so weak.’
You acknowledged his feelings of self doubt, peaking your head out the door and humming, “It’ll feel reeaaallyyy gooooddd!”
He slowly lifted his head, wanting to make a smart-ass comment about your mother-like nurturing, but refused out of his appreciation for the very fact you were doing exactly that. Whether he wants to fully admit it to himself or not, right now he needs someone to baby him. He needs someone to make him feel cared for. He needs someone to force him up straight. He needs you.
When he lifted up his shirt, you stared in awe of his contracting core muscles. Even with his inactivity and shrunken muscles, he still managed to catch your gazing eyes. He walked forward, the shirt coming over his head and falling to the ground. You quickly turned around and ran back to the water, turning the knob backwards and checking the water to make sure it’s a good temperature.
Levi walked in, his battered hands resting on the belt of his pants. He managed to mumble out a small thank you, making eye contact with you for a split second. Although it was barely audible, it was enough to make you smile.
Before stepping out completely, you turned your head to catch a glimpse of his back. You noticed there were multiple battle scars, some looking fresh. It would have been a sight for sore eyes had it just been his back muscles you noticed, but the scars made it hard to look.
As soon as you closed the door, it was time to get down to business. Rolling the sleeves of your jacket up, you thought out a plan.
You started with the books, picking them up in bunches and stacking them into a neat pile by his bookshelves. Noticing multiple empty gaps in the shelves, you took a mental note to sort through them some time for him. Levi was a tidy person majority of the time, but he isn’t the most academically intelligent person, so you also took note to teach him how to properly sort his books some time.
Once you finished stacking them, you began to pick up his drawings. Although you wanted to move on to his bedding situation, making sure you didn’t accidentally step on one of the drawings and rip one was a higher priority to you. After quickly gathering the portraits, you neatly stacked them onto his desk, which brought you to your next task.
His desk wasn’t that messy, just having things out of place and what not. It was pretty quick for you to tidy things, but you were sidetracked after picking up a picture frame that had a flower drawn in it signed by Hanji. You took a few moments to admire the fact that he framed the drawing, showing you yet another side of Levi’s personality: he treasures the small things.
Shaking your head, you put yourself back on track. You made your way into his bedroom and carefully picked up the glass shards, placing them onto his nightstand after not seeing a bin anywhere to throw them away. Scattered clothes called for your attention; you fold the clean ones and place them into drawers you believed were correct. The dirty ones, you had placed in a pile to wash for later.
His bedding had to be improvised. The fitted sheet was still intact and clean, however the flat one draped across the bare mattress had been torn. You guessed Levi made the tear with a shard of his broken mirror. ‘How long has it been like this?’ You wondered. If it was in a fit of rage, it must have been when he first returned. Levi’s grieving process works with anger first, then the depression.
After throwing the flat sheet to the side, you quickly re-tucked the fitted one. When you looked for his comforter, you noticed it was neatly folded on the floor by his dresser. You rose a brow, bending down to pick it up. Under the comforter lied a small, tin box. Normally, you wouldn’t be so rude as to invade one’s personal space by opening their items, but curiosity overtook and won this time.
You slowly lifted the lid, peaking inside and noticing two torn scout badges. ‘They must’ve been for people he was close to…,’ you thought to yourself before closing the lid and resuming your task.
Just as you finished placing the comforter over the bed, the door to Levi’s bathroom made a creaking sound. “It… looks nice.”
“Huh?” You turned around, nearly choking on your own spit. Levi stood in front of you, a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was still wet, being slicked back while beads of water dripped from the pale skin of his chest. He looked around the room, examining your hard work, “You didn’t need to do this.”
You stuttered at his body, “Ha-I- Um.. It’s, uh, nothing really.”
Awkward silence followed for a few short seconds, although it felt like an eternity to you. “I, um, I’ll step out so you can- uhm, get dressed.” You quickly walked into his office, shutting the door behind you. A red tint covered your cheeks before slapping yourself, lowly groaning against your own hand, “Get a grip, y/n.”
Moonlight seeped through his office window, creating a spotlight onto his desk. It felt as if your name was being called to it. You took small steps, sliding your hand around the frame of the desk before standing next to his chair. In front of you lied the drawings you previously stacked.
Picking the top paper up, a shy smile formed at your lips. The drawing was of a very ecstatic Hanji, talking to her longtime companion, Moblit. He passed on in the mission as well, so it was nice to see them together in the drawing.
Lifting the next page, your back stiffened and your eyes widened. ‘How did I not see these?’There were multiple sketches of you on the page, each being a different position of you. In most of the sketches, you were sitting and reading a book. Some of them looked older, while others appeared to have fresh pencil marks.
Your fingers lifted another paper, grazing through them and picking ones out that had you on them. There was quite a lot, many of them being in the same setting. You sitting, reading a book, looking upwards, or napping on a chair. You were quick to notice the chair in most of the drawings was the same one you would sit at in the library down the street of the base. ‘Was he watching me?’
“Sorry.”
Your head snapped up, seeing Levi standing at the door frame. He was wearing the usual sleep attire of a man: a white shirt and grey sweats.
“Why are you sorry?” You questioned him, tilting your head as you placed the papers down.
His face showed no emotion, per usual. “It’s just, it must be weird- seeing yourself.”
“Not really. I think it’s sweet. I never realized you went to the same library as me, is all.”
Levi walked towards you, “One of the first things Erwin taught me was to read. I go there all the time.” He walked behind the desk, “You usually have your head buried in a book or are taking a nap.”
You scratched the back of your head with a shade of pink painted against your cheeks, “Yea… that sounds about it.”
When you looked up, your eyes locked with his. The moonlight that lit up his desk, now lighting up his eyes. Although he had a look of thoughtlessness, you could see he was trying to think of what to say. His moonlit eyes told you how tired he was, but also how calm he is now that you are here.
The same could be said for him. Your eyes sparkled from the light, making him feel a loss for words. How does he ask you to stay by his side a little while longer? How does he ask his “friend” to hold him like a lover? Just, how? Does he even see you as a friend? It felt so much deeper than that.
“Well,” you spoke, “It’s getting la- “
“Stay.” He cut you off.
You felt his ice-cold hand lay on top of yours, “Like I said, I’m not good at talking.”
Reading his body language, your eyes examined him up and down before telling yourself, ‘Fuck it.’
You snaked your arms around his back, pulling him into an embrace. At first, he didn’t accept it. But once your head burrowed into his chest, he couldn’t help but give in. He reached his arms around your waist and pulled you tighter to him, sighing into your hair.
“Levi, you don’t have to hurt alone.”
Levi’s jaw tightened, you feeling his breathing spike at your words. His hair brushed against your ear as his head lowered into yours, tightening his hold on your back, “I…”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
He wanted to say so much, but he had no clue how to say it. Right now, he just wanted to enjoy this feeling of tenderness. How he yearned for someone to let him be vulnerable. He craved being nurtured and fawned over by someone, more specifically, you. It was then that he realized just how touch starved he truly was.
You didn’t treat him differently because he was “Humanity’s Strongest”. Just because he’s strong doesn’t mean he can’t feel pain. Many presume he doesn’t feel things because of the dead look on his face, but many do not look beyond the color of his eyes and see what lies within them. He’s a man, no doubt about it; But he is a man that hurts.
Levi released from the embrace, wasting no time to take you to his bed. He gently held your hand in his, guiding you into his room. Your hand fell from his, using both arms to shed your jacket before getting into the bed. He sat into the sheet, quickly pulling you into his chest before your legs fully relaxed into the bed.
Running a hand through your hair, he held onto your head while his other hand tightly gripped onto your back. He nuzzled against your forehead, closing his eyes. You felt his breathing slow against your warm skin, letting you know he was at peace like this.
You were at peace, too. Relaxed in his hold, your free hand gently messaged his scalp. His dried hair felt like silk against your battle-callused palms. The sound of silence didn’t seem as loud as usual. The low sound of his breathing and light beats of his heart kept your ears at ease.
Both of your skin rubbed against each other, Levi letting out a slight sigh in happiness at your message. This was a newly discovered comfort zone for him, one he hoped to experience with you again tomorrow.