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The little kid with the flashing smile and the big, brown, puppy eyes from the first grade is sitting next to the shelf of the cereal boxes. He has his arms crossed over his chest and he is grumbling silently. It is a cute sight, by the way. He probably wants the boxes that are on the top but he is so small, he can’t reach them.
His mother is nowhere to be seen.
Toni stands nervously a few meters away from him before he decides to help him.
‘‘You wanna the ones on the top?’’ he offers and the kid nods vigorously.
Toni has to tiptoe to reach the highest shelf because he may be taller than the little boy but he isn’t that tall. He grabs the box with a white rabbit on the front and gives it to the kid, who has now his arms wide open and makes grabby hands at Toni.
‘‘Thank you,’’ the boy says, hugging the box tightly to his chest, and grins his oh-so-famous smile that surely make his teachers forgive him for any trouble he could cause. The little one extends his hand and declares, ‘‘I'm James.’’
So, James it is. Toni often watched him play with his classmates at breaks in school but could never catch his name. They weren’t in the same class, because Toni is older.
He shakes his tiny hand and replies, ‘‘You’re welcome, James. I’m Toni.’’
On the background, a high-pitched voice calls for James and Toni is sure that the voice belongs to his mother. He proves himself right when a woman with long, dark hair and slightly tanned skin turns the corner, runs to her son and looks for any sign of harm on him. She glances quickly at Toni, smiles sweetly at him and mouths something that looks like ‘thanks’.
James’ hand is clutched to his mom's while they leave the cereal section. The kid turns around and waves at Toni with his free hand.
Toni waves back.
*
Toni is thirteen. He isn’t a child anymore to get dressed up and go knocking on people’s door to ask for sweets. He is a teenager now, and he decides not to leave his house on Halloween night.
His aunt is taking care of Felix and his parents have gone out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary. Toni thinks that they were creepy enough back then to marry on Halloween.
He is alone and chooses to watch Star Trek, sprawled on his couch accompanied by a big bowl of popcorn, which he situates on the floor near him.
Toni feels his eyes fluttering shut and then, he is immediately sitting straight as soon as he hears a knock on his door. He breathes deeply and watches the clock. It is 7:30 pm, his parents can’t be home, they said they would return at 10 pm. And Felix was staying in his aunt’s house.
He slowly stands up and walks to the door. He looks in the peep-hole but can’t see more than a figure standing on the other side with a plastic pumpkin on their hands.
‘‘Trick or treat?’’ the boy –because it’s a male voice– asks and Toni tells himself to calm down because he wasn’t expecting kids at his door and he clearly didn’t want his house being a target for paintball or something.
The boy knocks again, ‘‘Is anybody home?’’
This time, Toni opens the door and is already apologizing for not having any sweets when he realizes that the boy in front of him is no less a person than James, the kid from school and the one that he met once in the supermarket years ago.
‘‘Toni?’’ James leans over his personal space and Toni feels a little bit awkward. He is not used to have people prying into him.
‘‘Yeah, it's me,’’ he says, trying to suppress a smile but has not such success. ‘‘What are you dressed up to?’’
James grins at him and turns on his heels, ‘‘I'm Captain America!’’
‘‘And where is your shield?’’
‘‘Forgot it at home.’’ the younger frowns for about four seconds before showing off his white teeth in a beam. ‘‘You alone?’’
Toni just nods, with what must be the most confused look ever. It makes James smile even wider –and god damn it! Is it possible? –, ‘‘Wanna come with me?’’
The blond considers his options in his mind: a) he stays at home and watches movies until he falls asleep or b) he goes out without a costume in the company of a kid asking for sweets on every door. He thinks it looks easier than it actually is, but before he knows what he’s doing, he is taking the hoodie he had left on the armchair this morning and closes the door behind him.
Toni’s parents come home at 11:30 pm and find their son sleeping on the couch and the head of a boy on his lap, asleep as well.
*
From: Gareth
> r u going to cris' party????
Toni reads the message for the sixth time and wonders why in earth he befriended with Gareth. The guy goes to every party that’s thrown in Madrid and drags Toni with him, ignoring the latter’s poor excuses. And of course, he is not missing Cristiano’s.
To: Gareth
> sure but come pick me up my car’s still in the mechanic
From: Gareth
> ok ill be there at 8
Toni is waiting for her mother to serve breakfast. She puts down a plate with pancakes and a mug of coffee in front of him.
‘‘Who's coming at eight?’’ Felix asks, peeking out of Toni’s back, and puts his head on his brother’s shoulder.
Toni turns his head a bit, just to see Felix sticking his tongue out at him. ‘‘Gareth,’’ he replies and then looks at his mother with an innocent smile, ‘‘We’re going to Cristiano's party.’’
‘‘Okay, but don’t be back late, sweetheart.’’ she says and kisses Toni’s forehead, after leaving the kitchen.
Behind him, Felix is imitating his mother’s voice. ‘‘You heard Toni? Don’t be late, don’t get drunk, don’t do drugs and if you have sex, use protection. I’m still way too young to have a grandchild!’’
Toni stands up, leaves the plate and mug on the dishwasher and slaps Felix’s head when he heads out for his bedroom. He laughs delighted when he hears his brother shouting ‘Fuck you, Kroos, I hate you.’
Toni is playing FIFA when Gareth texts him.
From: Gareth
> im waiting outside open the damn door
To: Gareth
> u see the bell next 2 the door??? well ring it or knock
He texts back but is already on his feet and going to open the door. Gareth pats his friend’s back when he pasts right next to him. He makes himself comfortable on the couch but it doesn’t take Toni much time to grab a jacket and say, ‘‘Get your fat ass off my couch, Bale and come on.’’
Gareth groans audibly and pulls his car’s keys out his pockets. ‘‘We're picking Isco up, too.’’
Toni hums, agreeing. He takes a paper and pen and writes ‘I think I’ll be back past midnight. I’ll call you if I stay at Gareth’s. Love, Toni.’
They leave the house and head off to Isco’s place. They have to wait ten minutes until Isco is in the car.
‘‘What the fuck took you so long, man?’’ Gareth groans as he starts the engine. It isn’t a surprise that the youngest one out of them is always late, but it drives Gareth mad.
‘‘Stop being such an impatient fuck and let’s get out of here now.’’
The ride to Cris’ place is anything but quiet. Loud music is played inside the car and Toni notices how some guys on a corner turn their heads to look at them.
Cristiano’s house is situated in one of the private neighborhoods in the outsides of the city. It’s a huge place and the house itself is enormous; it’s elegant in every way. Gareth tells Toni that Cris’ bedroom has a balcony where you can admire the stunning view of Madrid. Toni is about to ask how he knows it but bites his tongue and keeps it to himself.
They are received by a cheerful Cristiano, who hands them glasses that contain a strange, blue liquid. Toni grabs the glass and takes a sip. He must have pulled a disgusted face or something, because Cris looks amused at him.
‘‘It's just wine. Angelito brought it when he came back from Argentina a week ago.’’ Cristiano explains and Toni takes one more sip, and this time he actually feels the sweet taste of the drink.
The host takes Toni and his friends to the backyard, where they find a lot of teenagers chatting and drinking and some of them are dancing. Cris tells them to drink as much as they want but not to throw up on his mother’s flowers.
Gareth follows Cristiano into the house and Isco drags Toni with him to a little crowd sitting near the pool. The blond’s eyes immediately find Marcelo, who is surely telling a funny anecdote or a joke. By his side, a boy looks up and his eyes fixated on Toni’s and smiles. He elbows Marcelo, tells him something and stands up. Toni notices him coming his way but can’t make out who he is.
‘‘Jamesito, here you are!’’ Isco shouts next to him. And just like that, he knows who it is, because Isco mentions only one James. It has to be him.
The boy hugs Isco and when he pulls back, he smiles at Toni and shakes his hand. Isco leaves them to go greet Marcelo.
‘‘I think I know you?’’ James says, tilting his head to the right, with a confused look.
Toni never forgot him. The first time they properly met was at the supermarket and Toni gave him a cereal box, and the second time they crossed paths was on a Halloween night, when James appeared on his house and asked him to join him. They always saw each other at school, but never talked.
Something inside Toni hurts a little bit because he remembers James but the boy doesn’t seem to do it. He tries to ignore the feeling. He swears he tries. But, he won’t admit it, because, for God’s sake, he’s eighteen, he shouldn’t be acting like a heartbroken teenage girl.
Maybe it is okay, they aren’t friends and of course, nobody has the obligation to remember Toni. It’s okay, he tells himself. It’s okay.
‘‘I’m Toni.’’ he says but doesn’t add ‘Don't you remember me?’ for the sake of his sanity.
James’ face lights up as if he discovered something important and giggles. ‘‘Toni Kroos? I thought I would never met you again.’‘
Well, if Toni didn't know how to react when he thought he didn’t recognize him, he obviously can’t think of anything now.
(Here is a little detail: since the very first time Toni saw James at school, he kind of fell in love with him. The sweet, caring boy, that was always there for anyone who needed help.
Toni has always been hopeless when it comes to love and thought he could never have James the way he wanted.)
James puts his arm around Toni’s shoulders and leads them to the front garden, where he knows there won’t be a soul.
There is a large, white bench that Toni thinks it is made with the best wood in the world and it must have been insanely expensive. James, however, chooses to sit on the grass. The younger one pats the spot next to him, as an indication for Toni to sit.
James tells him stories and Toni listens carefully. Not the stories, but the voice. He wants to imprint his voice in his memory and never forget it. Toni is sure every word that comes from his mouth is made of crystal, so soft and beautiful.
They aren’t aware of time. It’s like they’re trapped inside a box and doesn’t know what’s happening outside it. They share experiences and secrets that no one else is allowed to know.
It must be from all the alcohol he downed as the night went on or the closeness he now feels towards the blond that makes James tell Toni one important thing.
‘‘You know, I never kissed anybody, let alone be in a relationship’’ he says casually, placing his hand on Toni's thigh.
Toni ignores the hand, closes his eyes and tries to focus on his breathe. He feels weak in presence of the boy.
‘‘You shouldn’t be worried about it. You’re only, what? Fourteen? You have a plenty of time to experience it.’’
Toni’s eyes follow the younger's tongue as he licks his lips.
‘‘I’m fifteen,’’ he corrects, ‘‘and I’m like, the only virgin out of all my friends’’ he whines, with a mischevously smile and something screams at the back of Toni’s mind but he can’t make out the words. ‘‘And I want to change that.’’
Toni is still processing what James had said when the latter puts his hands on the grass, lifts himself up a bit and plants a delicate, chaste kiss on his lips.
There is a shy smile on the Colombian’s –they learnt that they weren't born in Spain– face and Toni feels confident enough to grab James’ collar shirt and close the distance between them once again.
This time the kiss is deeper and a little more desperate, but doesn’t lose the delicateness.
*
Despite being born in Germany, it doesn’t feel like home. It feels like bitterness and loneliness.
Toni was so stupid to think that coming back to Germany would fix the trouble he caused. Both in his head and in his life.
He remembers how James always walked by the right side, the way he looked in the mornings and how happy he was when they went to their first Clásico together.
There is no logical reason that explains Toni’s folly, because that what it is, a folly. He doesn’t like to say that he lost the one real thing he’s ever known, but it’s true. James was –and still is– his first love and he let it slip through his fingertips like water.
Maybe he was afraid of how things could turn out, or he was perhaps waiting for the moment James decided to end the relationship between them and run to the arms of someone else and when it didn’t come, he did it himself. Though, needless to say, he didn’t run to anyone.
He ran away.
Toni is now sitting in a park bench in Munich. Beautiful city but it doesn’t have the spark that Madrid has.
He misses Madrid, but on top of all, he misses James.
‘‘Mind if I sit with you?’’
Toni perks up to look a young boy, with chubby cheeks and wide-opened brown eyes.
He ends up talking to the stranger –whose name is Mario– and tells him how he fucked everything up and now doesn’t have anything.
Mario gives him an apologetic smile and pats his shoulder. ‘‘You can live with me. I live alone, and my apartment is big enough for the two of us.’’
Toni agrees to it and deep in his conscience, he knows that he is agreeing to something more.
Two weeks later. Two weeks and Toni finds himself waking up naked under the blankets and with a still asleep Mario by his side.
He knew it and however, he didn’t do anything to stop it.
The only thought that crosses his mind when Mario wakes up and kisses his cheek lazily is that he betrayed James.
*
To his surprise, Mario doesn’t cry or scream or throw something sharp at him. On the contrary, he looks glad.
‘‘I don’t blame you. I left Marco when I realized that he was a pure creature and he shouldn’t be going out with someone like me. I cheated on every relationship I had because I couldn’t control myself and I didn’t want to do the same to him. But I truly love Marco and I’m ready to get him back at all costs.’’
Toni wishes he could say the same. He isn’t ready to go back to Madrid after four years. He isn’t mentally prepared to return home. To return to James.
They are standing outside Mario’s old apartment. They are about to leave Munich and go back to where they shouldn’t have left.
‘‘Good luck,’’ they say at the same time.
That’s what Toni needs, luck. Because he is one hundred per cent James won’t be waiting for him at the airport.
To: Felix
> landing at 6 pm. come pick me up??
From: Felix
> sure big bro
When he arrives, it’s quarter past six and Felix is waving his arms over his head once he notices Toni descending the airplane’s stairs.
They hug and express how much they missed each other.
Felix helps him carry the luggage and puts it in the back of the car and asks his brother where he wants to go. Toni doesn’t hesitate, ‘‘Home.’’
They drive for two hours until they reach Toni’s old –until now, Felix’s- apartment. They don’t mention James in the way.
Toni is so distracted telling Felix his experience in Munich that he doesn’t notice someone standing on his doorstep. But his brother does so when he parks the car in front of the house, he stays inside and watches Toni freeze at the sight of James, who has his arms glued to his body.
Toni walks slowly towards James and when they’re finally in front of each other, the younger whispers, ‘‘You’re back,’’ and hugs the blond tightly.
They stay like this for what feels like a lifetime. They don’t want to pull apart because they’re both afraid of losing themselves again.
Toni’s phone buzzes and he unlocks the screen to see a new message from his brother.
From: Felix
> once u finish having reconciliation sex call me up so ill bring u ur suitcases ;)
*
Toni is sat cross-legged on the floor with Laila’s head on his lap. James is half asleep on the couch. They had settled on a movie on Netflix but they’re not even paying attention to it anymore.
Moments like this make Toni think and remember and he likes it.
Toni remembers everything. The kid with the cereal box, the nine-year-old Captain America on his door, the reckless teenager in the party, the heartbroken boy crying on the other line of the telephone.
He also remembers the quick glances, the shy smiles, the made-up-in-the-moment excuses, the moans that fill the dark silence, the cries and sounds of objects clattering, the unnecessarily long sighs and intermittent sobs, the delicate and soft kisses that usually end up in wild, dirty ones. He remembers it all.
He recalls Mario and wonders how he is doing with Marco. He thinks of Gareth and Cristiano and how they kept their relationship as a secret for a long time; Toni was the first one to know because he was Gareth’s best friend. He even remembers Felix, fixing his hair and radiating nervousness about his first date with Lena.
It’s when people ask him about his love life and he smiles thinking of James. It’s when he looks through the pages of the photo album James gave him as a present for his 27th birthday. It’s when he wakes up to the sight of his beloved one, with a pure expression on his face, peaceful and carefree. It’s also when they fight over nothing and don’t talk for hours until one of them gives up and says, ‘Please, let’s not fight anymore. I love you.’
Toni runs his fingers thought James’ hair and murmurs, ‘‘I love you more than anything, darling.’’
James rolls on the couch, until he’s face downwards and one of his arms is faintly touching the carpet. ‘‘I love you, too,’’ he mumbles on his sleep.
*
Toni knew it since the beginning and now, he can confirm it every night when he waits for James to come to bed. He places the book on the nightstand and peeks at the polaroid he keeps on a frame.
Isco took it when the three of them were in the park. It was a cold day and everything was covered by a thin layer of snow. He and James both were wearing scarfs and beanies. James was hugging him from behind and pressing a kiss on his cheeks; he was smiling with his eyes closed.
Its caption reads: Here’s to us forever.