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A rather loud cheer can be heard in one of many busy roads in Hongdae. Specifically near Hongik University, while people are busy to walk down the street, some other people gather in front of a 190 cm tall refrigerator box just beside the road. A bunch of electronics are set on the left and right, putting the box in the middle as if to be highlighted.

“Encore! Encore! Encore!” the crowd cheer again, full of hopeful enthusiasm in their voices.

“It will be my last song so I’ll thank you once again for coming and enjoying my gig today. Enjoy,” someone says, his voice is echoed through a speaker.

Soon enough, the sound of slow piano can be heard, masked by a once again loud cheer of the crowd for a few seconds. A deep voice sings the first verse from the song that people can vaguely remember. A sweet heartbreak song from Jung Joonil titled Hug Me.

I can’t overcome the sadness in my heart

Another one of my sleepless nights, I endure it once more

I really don’t mind the sadness

It absentmindedly wakes me up again in the morning

The injury seems worse than I thought It’d be

The pain seems to dig in deeper than I thought it would

In the countless nights I spent resenting you,

It feels like I’m in hell

On the other side of the crowd, someone is busy dragging another person in the hand. Urging himself and his friend stubbornly to be able to be somewhat closer to the performer. Feeling guilty but quite not so, while he’s excusing them both to please let them get into the inner row.

When people start to get annoyed and refuse to let him and his friend in, he forces himself to be satisfied with the ground he’s stepping on right now. Focusing his eyes to catch the glimpse of the refrigerator box in the middle of attention, and amplifying his ears’ ability to hear the voice of the performer.

Jongdae is his name. He’s already a fan of the anonymous street musician who’s hiding inside the refrigerator box for five months now. Since he discovered the deep voice at the same place as now, Jongdae has never ever missed the street musician’s performance since. He just can’t get enough of it.

I’m not being myself, I don’t have the confidence,
I can’t endure it any longer, the days without you,
What now, what do i do now,
I really don’t know, I’m nothing without you.

Please just hug me, hug me even for a while,
Without any words, please just run towards me,
With my lonely and uneasy heart,
I’m still here waiting for you.

Jongdae is too immersed into the song. He doesn’t even realize he’s clasping his hands together as if he’s praying. At that time, Jongdae’s whole world feels like stop moving.

Jongdae’s eyes are pierced aggressively towards the refrigerator box with two tiny holes on it. His lips are lifted into an admiration smile, generously showing how the end of his lips turned upwards like a kitten. Seeing him, no one probably would dare to question Jongdae’s fan status. Jongdae himself is aware how creepy and disgusting he looks like when he’s fanboying over a person he has never seen before.

I love you, i love you,
I shout it out after staying in this long silence,
It may seem weak and childish, but it’s my true feelings.

The piano’s sound starts to get soften. A sweet melody of high keys are played and suddenly it disappears into the silence. After a few seconds, the crowd cheer and clap in satisfaction and amazement. It wraps the performance nicely in an equally nice feeling.

“Thank you for your companion today, please go back safely,” a deep voice greets his last goodbye.

It needs precisely three seconds for Jongdae to finally understand the situation. It also needs three seconds for everyone to start leaving the gig spot. Walking to different directions as they either talk to their friend or hum a random part of the last song.

Jongdae is left dumbfounded in his spot. He looks to his right and left, still can’t believe that the performance is already over. Disappointment starts to bubble in his head, because Jongdae didn’t just hear the last song from the musician he likes but also only the last half of the song. It just can’t be true that it’s already over.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae starts to whine a low and hurtful voice to his friend on his right. “Ahhh Kyungsooo…” Jongdae whines even more, stomping his feet from right to left in desperation.

“I know you would act this way. Come on, let’s treat you a really tasty cake and an iced americano,” Jongdae’s friend whose name is Kyungsoo replies as calm as possible.

Jongdae lets out a whiny sob sound, evidently still resent the fact that he missed his chance to hear his favorite street musician. Jongdae wants to whine further that just if Kyungsoo didn’t shower first after he came home late from overworking himself from a big upcoming project in his company, and just if Kyungsoo didn’t cook a toast first after that and spending another fifteen minutes eating after neglecting his nutrition needs for the last four days, Jongdae would not miss today’s performance.

But Jongdae knows better than to say it out loud. As it’s stated, Kyungsoo is tired from work and it’s totally not Kyungsoo’s fault that Jongdae doesn’t know how to drive. More on that matter, Jongdae also knows that he should stop depending his dear life on Kyungsoo to drive him to anywhere. So Jongdae just lets out a defeated sigh.

“Let’s just go home and get both of us a rest,” Jongdae says, already turning around to the way where Kyungsoo parked his car five minutes ago.

“And having you sad like this?” Kyungsoo objects. Jongdae was about to say anything to convince Kyungsoo when Kyungsoo starts to open his mouth again. “Or you probably could just go and greet the singer. Look, he’s getting out of the box” Kyungsoo coaxes.

As Jongdae looks at Kyungsoo, he sees Kyungsoo’s finger is pointing at the direction of the refrigerator box. There, indeed, is a man coming out of it. Round and wide eyes are glancing to the right and left to inspect his surrounding. It’s cute how the man looks like a hamster that tries to get out of their mini house-looking hiding.

Except that the man doesn’t look like a hamster at all. The cuteness ends right when the man stands up and folds the refrigerator box flat, making Jongdae’s mouth open widely in a loud gasp instead. The man is big, too big, that Jongdae isn’t sure if the man is real. The man looks like he’s more than 6 feet tall, so Jongdae figured that the refrigerator box being 190 cm tall was for a reason after all.

The anonymous street musician, a man who Jongdae looks at with a completely different but more definite portrayal now, is wearing an all-black clothes from head to toe. A black cap, black mask, black hoodie, black jeans, and black sneakers. Even with all that, Jongdae can easily notice how the man’s shoulder is so broad and how his legs are long and slim. Among all big features the street musician has, there’s another Jongdae likes besides his round eyes: the man’s pointy elf-like ears. It’s cute how his ears are bent because the side of his black cap suppresses them down.

Jongdae’s world stays perfectly still. Its view is narrowed towards the street musician and his electronics that Jongdae doesn’t know how to operate. Neither romantic autumn breeze hitting Jongdae’s face nor colorful bubbles pops out, but imaginary shining sparkly lights are surely hitting the street musician’s body. Shimmering and splendid in a bright white hue as if an angel was showing itself in front of Jongdae.

Jongdae suddenly has the strangest urge to run to the street musician and squeeze him tight.

The street musician is packing his equipments into the bags. Quietly sitting down and rolling the cable afterwards. Jongdae found the dedication and professionalism aura the musician currently emits is so cool and attractive. It waters Jongdae’s dream to become a cool singer that sings with all his heart, just like the musician he looks at right now.

As Jongdae sets new determination in his heart, the street musician’s eyes meet his. Both Jongdae and the musician’s body tense up. Jongdae inhales a breath sharply and doesn’t let go while the musician puts the rolled cable down in a broken motion.

“.…Go,” Jongdae whispers while his eyes are still set on the musician.

“Huh?” Kyungsoo asks, taken aback. “You won’t greet him? Though you’re finally able to see him after this while?” Kyungsoo asks again after figuring out what Jongdae wanted to say.

“I can?” Jongdae asks instead.

Jongdae was about to turn his head to Kyungsoo when he sees the way the street musician’s eyes turn fiery. Without doubt, the musician seems upset. Jongdae’s heart beats faster as if he’s caught doing something inappropriate, something wrong, something Jongdae supposed to not do.

It was an answer. At least to Jongdae, it seems like it is. That he can’t.

— ♪ —

Today’s autumn evening is cold with strong wind blowing since the sun started to set. Jongdae should have known to bring a thicker jacket with him rather than the long jacket he’s wearing right now. He’s noticeably shivering from cold.

Jongdae heaves a long breath, making his nose redder as well as his ears. He cups both his cheeks with his hand to prevent the violent wind to brush them though the act obviously failed to stop him from more shivering. The inconvenience starts to make Jongdae impatient as it should just be the time for Kyungsoo to pick him up.

“Teacher, you still haven’t go home yet?” a male child suddenly comes up beside Jongdae, talking in such a happy tone.

After calming himself from shock, Jongdae can’t help the urge to smile back. Adoring the pure and innocent face after him, “I will. Why? You need me to help you with something?” Jongdae asks back.

“If you’re not gonna go home yet, will you play with me? We’re gonna play catch the ball” the boy says, pointing to two other boys in the yard.

Jongdae was considering it. It will probably be a good idea to make himself sweat so he can bear the cold better. But then, Kyungsoo’s car makes an appearance and it will just be the best idea to curl up inside the car and go home instead.

“I’m sorry, my friend has arrived. We will play together next time, okay?” Jongdae says, stroking the boy’s bob hair as gently as possible.

“It’s such a bad timing for your friend to come. Then, have a safely trip back, Teacher Kim. We will see you again on Monday?” the boy decides to say.

“I will see you on Monday, Kibum, is that right?” Jongdae assures the boy with a smile.

The boy smiles in an instant, “Yes. You remember my name,” he says cheerfully.

“Of course I remember your name.” Jongdae smiles even wider seeing how the kid’s, Kibum’s, face brightens up. It makes Jongdae coo at the his pureness and innocence.

At that time, Kyungsoo walked out of his car. Approaching Jongdae and his student who still have a conversation going between them. It was a subtle sign for Jongdae to wrap whatever talk Jongdae has with his student so they could leave the orphanage.

“Hello,” Kyungsoo greets the boy who just nods at Kyungsoo politely. “Are you one of who this uncle teaches here?” Kyungsoo just receives another frightened nod from the boy.

Jongdae giggles at the awkwardness between Kyungsoo and the boy. It reminds Jongdae of his first time meeting with Kyungsoo around five years ago. In spring, when they were introduced by Baekhyun during college lunch break. Back then, it was Jongdae who persisted on talking to the other, so it’s quite amusing to see Kyungsoo haven’t give up on talking to the boy yet. Kyungsoo sure has changed a lot now.

“I’m this uncle’s friend. Let me know if he’s too hard on you, I will definitely scold him for that,” Kyungsoo says again to the boy.

“Okay,” Kibum finally says. His eyes are religiously looking for Jongdae again, seems to be more interested in talking to Jongdae than Kyungsoo. Even though Jongdae only watched him and Kyungsoo interacting so far.

Kyungsoo suppresses a sigh, a clear sign of defeat that even Kibum notices.

Jongdae just chuckles the situation away. “I want to self-claim that I never goes hard on anybody, though” Jongdae says. “Alright, Kibum, I need to go. We’ll see on Monday and let’s see if we can play together then. Remember to not be out for too long, I’m afraid it will just get colder later” Jongdae turns to Kibum, talking eyes to eyes with a smile pesters on his face.

“Of course, see you on Monday, Teacher Kim” the boy says cheerfully but out of politeness as he waves his hand towards Jongdae and hopefully to Kyungsoo as well.

“Look at him, happily going away from me,” Kyungsoo comments but a small smile on his face says that he’s fond of the boy rather than annoyed. “It’s always so hard to approach people with tiny hands and feet” Kyungsoo continues. He walks to his car, which Jongdae instantly follows, and unlocks the door with the key in his hand.

“Isn’t it just because you’re a stranger to them? Once they like you, you guys will be inseparable,” Jongdae says, amused.

“Will they like me, though?” Kyungsoo scoffs.

Jongdae stops walking for a moment, gracing Kyungsoo a raised eyebrow which Kyungsoo misses to see. “Who can’t love you?” Jongdae then voices out his thought out loud.

“Apparently, people with tiny hands and feet?” Kyungsoo chuckles.

Jongdae lets out a snicker of both disbelief and amused that Kyungsoo even thinks himself in such way. Because it’s really impossible to not like Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is always calm and self-composed, attentive and caring with others. On top of that, Kyungsoo is such a loyal person, he will never abandon you no matter what. As far as Jongdae knows, those traits have never changed even for a bit until now.

But otherwise, Jongdae doesn’t say anything else. He gets inside Kyungsoo’s car quietly and sets his seat belt across from his shoulder to his waist until a clicking sound is recognizable. Settling himself comfortably with the warmth Kyungsoo’s heater offers.

“By the way, Dae, I want you to learn how to drive,” Kyungsoo says. Seeing a reaction is already on Jongdae’s shocked face with his mouth wide open, Kyungsoo hurriedly continues his speech. “I can’t drive you all of the time, Jongdae. It’s tiring and you oftentimes have to wait for hours until I come. You’re 25, isn’t it time for you to at least get your driver license?” Kyungsoo urges.

Jongdae lets out another gasps but then words died on his tongue. He reserves himself to form a pout out of his turned-up lips. “Right. You know me too well, bringing up my age will never fail to courage me to do something,” Jongdae says in the end.

“I’m glad that works,” Kyungsoo smiles. “I don’t want to push you, though. It’s up to you when, but you need to be able to drive,” Kyungsoo says.

“When do you expect me to go to a driving school?” Jongdae asks nervously. Something from Kyungsoo’s words tell Jongdae that Kyungsoo has the exact date for that question. Kyungsoo seems like expecting him to do that when the time comes so Jongdae needs to know when exactly his deadline is.

“The fastest one? Tomorrow. It’s weekend and I won’t use my car for the whole two days so if you want to borrow it, you can. Or if you want to find a driving school, you can also do that tomorrow since you don’t have work neither anything to do at home,” Kyungsoo says nonchalantly.

“Wow, didn’t you plan this all along?” Jongdae says in amazement but not excited with the idea at all. Tomorrow is too soon for his mental to be ready to learn something new. Abandoning his perfectly structured weekend routine for a wild driving adventure with his friend’s car sounds terrifying.

“A little bit? You know, it’s up to you. Anyway if you really will borrow my car tomorrow, please change the oil for me,” Kyungsoo chuckles.

“Wow, you really planned this all along,” Jongdae remarks once again, shocked.

Kyungsoo once again just laughs at Jongdae’s remark. He enjoys teasing Jongdae. As much as he’s serious about his suggestion, Kyungsoo won’t push Jongdae if Jongdae feels uncomfortable. He also knows that tomorrow is too soon for Jongdae, his introvert side can understand it very well. But knowing Jongdae, there is a chance up to 40% that Jongdae will really do it tomorrow nonetheless and Kyungsoo lives up for that amusement.

— ♪ —

Saturday morning is extremely cold for Jongdae who is very anxious of his first driving experience after such a long time. The morning coffee he dug in out of routine a few hours prior feels like a mistake, his heart beats extremely fast partly thanks to the caffeine. But Jongdae couldn’t help it since he would just as anxious if he hadn’t indulge his daily morning coffee needs anyway.

Jongdae doesn’t feel good as soon as he sits behind the car wheel. He’s observing Kyungsoo who gets into the car as well to assist Jongdae in driving. Kyungsoo refuses to look at Jongdae at all while fastening his seat belt despite knowing that Jongdae looks at him all the time.

“Alright, we’ll just go around the residential area, what could go wrong?” Jongdae says in surrender, mostly to comfort himself. Just as Kyungsoo told him yesterday, Jongdae should be able to drive sooner or later anyway. This nervousness is inevitable whether Jongdae likes it or not.

“After you’re certain of your driving, we will go into the highway once to change the oil” Kyungsoo reminds, not giving Jongdae any chance to forget the plan at all.

“After I’m certain of my driving, sure” Jongdae repeats Kyungsoo’s words just to emphasize it.

“You will, Dae. Be confident of yourself,” Kyungsoo says. “Now, are you ready to go?” Kyungsoo continues in a subtle way to command his student to get started.

Jongdae looks at Kyungsoo by his side for a moment. Observing how Kyungsoo remains calm even though he’s about to be driven by a complete beginner. It’s always so amusing and extremely calming to see how much faith Kyungsoo puts in Jongdae, like nothing could get wrong if Jongdae’s gonna do it. It intrigues Jongdae to try harder to meet that expectation.

It’s not like Jongdae doesn’t know how to drive at all. He knows what he should do to start the engine, he also knows where the gas pedal and the break. But Jongdae always gets conscious whenever he drives and it’s just worsen because it’s been a long while since the last time he drives a car.

Jongdae feels extremely grateful that Kyungsoo is there to accompany him that day. Kyungsoo doesn’t just bring comfort to Jongdae but also assist Jongdae whenever Jongdae is about to panic on the road. Kyungsoo’s still calm, giving Jongdae advice and instructions whenever he feels like Jongdae need them.

Jongdae finally gets to drive calmly when he drives around the residential for the tenth time. That’s when Kyungsoo feels Jongdae is ready to go into the highway and Jongdae’s eyes tremble with fright upon hearing Kyungsoo says it. He gives Kyungsoo a side look once and mutters an ‘okay’ to it, though.

The highway is extremely terrifying for Jongdae, if he’s allowed to admit it. Jongdae’s careful driving style doesn’t really match with the busy road and the busy people trying to get to their destinations as fast as possible. At least, Kyungsoo had offered to drive them back home so Jongdae should just endure it for a while and everything will be over soon.

At some point while driving, a pair of fiery eyes that belongs to Jongdae’s favorite street musician kicks into Jongdae’s subconscious. Catching Jongdae off guard with the sudden thought. It’s not entirely a sudden thought as Jongdae had been dwelling over the fact since it happened two days ago. He knows he can’t do anything about it but he still hopes he had done it differently.

It was so hurtful for Jongdae, as a big fan, to receive such a cold manner. Jongdae is aware that it’s mainly his fault to look at the street musician when the street musician himself had never seen out of the box by anyone before. Jongdae should have run away at that time, not ogling how big the street musician’s body was.

It had happened anyway, Jongdae would remind himself again. If there’s something he can do, it’s probably to apologize to Loey—the pseud the street musician uses—for his unintentional rudeness. The fear of receiving even more hatred from Loey than Jongdae already has makes Jongdae push the idea of facing Loey again though he feels extremely sorry for making the other mad.

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo calls softly but firmly, snapping Jongdae out of his thought.

The quiet ‘oh’ Jongdae lets out making him realize that he almost gets both of them crash another car in front of them. There’s traffic ahead, with the traffic light shines a bright red color at the side. He immediately kicks the break, that impulse had made Kyungsoo hurriedly told Jongdae to kick the break gently.

Jongdae drives slowly and there’s enough time to stop the car, that’s probably why Kyungsoo decided to warn Jongdae softly. It’s already the third time Kyungsoo had to snap Jongdae out of his mind despite Jongdae’s constant effort to stay focused on the road. It’s literally because of this unending thought Jongdae tends to have that Jongdae doesn’t want to drive any vehicle ever. It’s too dangerous to have Jongdae behind the wheel.

“Sorry,” Jongdae mutters that Kyungsoo just replies back with an understanding smile.

“We can talk about it later. Just don’t forget that after we turn left, the car repair shop is near the first alleyway” Kyungsoo reminds Jongdae patiently.

Jongdae mutters an apologetic ‘I won’t’ and tries doubly harder to fixate his eyes on the road ahead. He manages to not lost in thought again this time, obediently following Kyungsoo’s direction to the car repair shop’s location. He doesn’t miss the place Kyungsoo described as a wide white garage with cars either being dismantled or lifted up with a long pillar under it.

Jongdae parks the car in the wide garage, lining up weirdly in front of the other cars that are being repaired there. Kyungsoo reassured that the mechanics there will move the car for their convenience anyway so it didn’t matter whether Jongdae parks the car nicely or not. Kyungsoo immediately gets off of the car after saying that, so Jongdae follows suit.

After getting out of the car, Jongdae lets himself to heave a long sigh of relief. He stretches his body to loosen up his tense muscles. Cracking his neck to the left and right until a soft crack sound can be heard. He finally gets to relax after that.

“You’ve worked hard today,” Kyungsoo praises Jongdae quietly with a proud smile.

“I almost got us into an accident for at least three times. Let me handle the oil changing thing for you as the compensation” Jongdae offers.

“I don’t really mind, Dae. It’s your first time after all. But I will gladly accept the offer, thanks” Kyungsoo smiles.

“It’s just as you should,” Jongdae says, returning Kyungsoo’s smile with a smile of his own.

Jongdae was about to find someone who he can ask for help when he hears someone’s voice already on his side, offering a service. “How can I help you with your car?” it was said with a neutral tone, but it succeeds to make Jongdae tense up.

Jongdae would recognize the voice everywhere. The deep but slightly raspy voice, that uniqueness that can only be owned by one person. Jongdae even had them help with his insomnia at some nights, he couldn’t guess it wrong, could he?

When Jongdae turns to the mechanic who has impossibly tall and huge body towering over him, Jongdae’s breath stuck in his throat. That momentarily pause has made tears welling in Jongdae’s eyes and a slump in his throat. He quickly averts his gaze to anything beside the man’s head just to pretend like he isn’t about to skyrocket.

“Um, I want to change the oil” Jongdae manages to say.

“Okay, just wait for a while, it won’t be long. Can I have the key?” the mechanic, who surprisingly is Loey, extends his hand to ask the car key from Jongdae, which Jongdae hands it to him in a slow motion.

Loey only takes the key from Jongdae’s hands. Ignoring everything else and gets to work with no words. From the movement, Jongdae can tell how quick and efficient Loey is. He walks and does anything so fast like any typical busy handy man.

Jongdae doesn’t realize he had been staring at Loey the whole time. Amazement on his face as he can’t believe he would meet the street musician again in such an unpredictable occasion. Though he’s once again ogling the way Loey moves, Jongdae keeps his mouth firmly shut. Weighing whether he should apologize now or later at the man’s busking event.

“It’s him, right?” Kyungsoo quietly says, nudging Jongdae on the side so Jongdae would pay him some attention.

Jongdae hums in question mark but then gives Kyungsoo another hum in confirmation as the words has finally processed in his head. Jongdae doesn’t say anything else but Kyungsoo seems to take it as an answer. Jongdae leaves Kyungsoo in silence afterward and thankfully, Kyungsoo doesn’t press further.

Jongdae lets out a suppressed sigh in the end, turning to Kyungsoo who’s readily torn his attention away from his phone. “Do you know he’s here? Is that the reason why you bring me here?” Jongdae asks.

Kyungsoo shakes his head, “No, I’ve been a customer here for years but I also only discovered he’s the employee here today,” Kyungsoo answers truthfully.

Jongdae quietly nods his head. “Do you think he recognizes me?” Jongdae asks again.

Kyungsoo contemplates the answer for a moment. “Probably,” he then says, shocking Jongdae. “He has been shooting you with cold look several times since he saw you here. I think you’ve seen at least one of those since your eyes never leave him,” Kyungsoo continues to say, providing a fact Jongdae isn’t ready to bear.

Jongdae’s lips instinctively form a pout without him intending it to. “I might as well apologize to him now, then” Jongdae mumbles.

“For meeting him the last time?” Kyungsoo asks in disbelief but tries hard to make his voice sound neutral. He doesn’t want to make Jongdae down. The past two days with Jongdae mostly staring at the wall isn’t a nice memory for him. However, when Jongdae gives him an affirmative nod, Kyungsoo only furrows harder in lost of words.

Saying it a meeting is a bit of exaggeration in Kyungsoo’s opinion. Jongdae and the street musician hadn’t talk to each other back then, haven’t yet to talk to each other even now. Kyungsoo doesn’t get why it should be a really big problem but he doesn’t dare to ask Jongdae that question. Jongdae probably doesn’t have the answer to it either.

It’s definitely the street musician’s own problem that both Jongdae and Kyungsoo don’t have anything to do about. And for that, it’s unfair for Jongdae to deserve such treatment from the man. Kyungsoo is pretty much annoyed by now.

It takes much or less 15 minutes for the mechanic to change the oil. Jongdae proceeds to pay at the cashier while carefully stealing a glance or two towards Loey. He’s really scared but Jongdae had been hated by the musician anyway, so it shouldn’t be any much different whether he talks to the musician now or not.

Jongdae asks Kyungsoo to wait for him while he tries to talk to Loey. Kyungsoo only taps Jongdae’s back in sympathy and wish him good luck, saying that he will wait in the car. Kyungsoo may not know it, but Jongdae feels a lot reassured with that single tap.

Jongdae walks to Loey who already goes back to do whatever as a mechanic. “Excuse me, is it okay to take some of your time? Can we talk?” Jongdae approaches Loey hesitantly but managed to sound certain and firm.

Loey looks at his surrounding, whether to check if Jongdae really talked to him or to ensure that he has time to talk. Loey’s cold eyes don’t flatter at all, looking at Jongdae in the eyes curtly. “Is there any more problem with your car?” Loey asks, determined to drive the conversation as professionally as he can as the mechanic.

“No, I want to apologize for the other day. I’m honestly sorry to offend you. Now that I saw your face too, I wonder what can I do to make up to you,” Jongdae says, eyebrows tutting in genuine apology.

Loey doesn’t say a single thing for a moment, prone to observe Jongdae’s face under his wide fiery eyes. “Did you stalk me here?” Loey asks finally.

“No, I was—” Jongdae’s words got cut off.

“Nonsense, that’s what any stalker would say. Leave me alone, will you? I really don’t want to see you around again,” Loey says in finality.

It’s hurtful but Jongdae doesn’t let it be seen on his face. It’s clear that Loey won’t take any words from him so it’s useless to try making negotiations with him. It seems like Loey also doesn’t want to make up with Jongdae no matter what Jongdae offers to do.

However, the conversation hasn’t end yet so Jongdae toughen up his face to persuade Loey anyway. “I’m willing to keep your identity a secret if it can make you feel better” Jongdae says. Loey seems to be ready to object but Jongdae pleads for him to let Jongdae finish everything he wanted to say to the latter first.

“Please. I assure you we won’t cross path again. It’s really just a pure coincidence that I had to change my friend’s car oil and you work in the car shop he used to go to” Jongdae says. Seeing Loey’s face remains unconvinced, Jongdae forces himself to say what he wants. “But… can’t you let me see your busking performance tomorrow? I promise to not stay too long at the site so the last accident won’t happen again. Please? I really like your voice” Jongdae pleads further.

“I can’t take empty promises, how will you guarantee it? What if we meet again?” Loey asks, still as cold as ever.

“I…” It makes Jongdae thinks further. In panic. “You have permission to ban me from watching your performance for one day,” Jongdae says, showing off his tiny index finger in front of Loey’s face, waiting hopefully for Loey’s approval.

“Just one day? How about from then on?” Loey alternates, clearly not interested in making any negotiation just as Jongdae predicted him would be.

“Do you really hate me that much?” Jongdae asks, desperate and hurt.

Loey nods without have to think it for one second. Still looking into Jongdae’s eyes coldly which start to make Jongdae tears up for real.

Not wanting to let himself be weak in front of Loey or anyone else in general, Jongdae nods. Keeping his head low to look at his feet instead. “Okay,” he answers while trying to calm himself down. “It’s if you would see me again, right? I still can watch your performance tomorrow if we don’t meet again by then” Jongdae says.

If Loey can be so nonchalant and disregardful, Jongdae supposes he’s able to do that too.

— ♪ —

Tomorrow evening, Jongdae comes to the road near Hongik University for Loey’s busking event. Facing the 190 cm tall refrigerator box that doesn’t give any sound, not even a white noise, while a large of crowd gathering in front of it. Loey is waiting for his audience and Jongdae, keeping his promise, is trying his best to stay out of Loey’s sight through the two tiny holes on the front box.

To Jongdae’s own surprise, he didn’t anticipate the gig as much as before. Probably because of the fact that the performer hates his presence, or probably because his opportunity to watch Loey’s performance won’t last long. Jongdae knows even if Jongdae and Loey don’t have any relation at all to accidentally meet again, it will still fully depend on Jongdae’s luck. Hadn’t they met in the car repair shop anyway despite neither Jongdae, nor Kyungsoo, nor Loey had expected it at all?

It might be easier than Jongdae thought to not watch Loey’s performance again, then, if he continues to lost excitement in Loey’s gig like this. Even though Jongdae really likes Loey’s voice and hopes to be able to sing just like him.

Suddenly, a string of guitar echoes through the speaker. Starting in an easy melodic sound to fill the silence. Then, Loey starts to sing.

Do you hear me

Covered in gray fog a gloomy day

I’m afraid I’m blind now

I’ve lost interest in everything

It’s one of many famous song from The Rose, titled She’s In The Rain.

Jongdae widens his eyes in shock. He had checked many songs from The Rose because Loey likes to cover them. The band have many good songs, but somehow their songs sound depressed to Jongdae’s ears. She’s In The Rain isn’t an exception.

It’s shocking to hear such a song from Loey since the very beginning of his performance. While it doesn’t have to be important to only always perform a bright pop song in the beginning, setting a good mood for a start is definitely important. And a song as depressed as She’s In The Rain might not be it.

It sends Jongdae various unpleasant feelings in the stomach, not gonna lie.

Do you hear me

As I walked down the street, I saw a different way

I turned around and found no one

The dreams I’ve been after I follow them

I’m dying inside

I wanna think that it’s a lie why why

Even if I shout there’s no answer

A flood of loneliness in the rain rain rain

She’s in the rain

When I look at how beautiful you are, time stops

It’s hard to even open my eyes now

No whoa~ she’s in the rain

Jongdae feels his heart throbs so painfully. Loey’s deep baritone voice makes the song even more sorrowful as if Loey’s bleeding inside the box. Jongdae wonders if his encounter with Loey the day before takes a part in Loey’s depressed mood today. If that’s really the case, Jongdae doesn’t think he could bear watching the performance any longer.

And it was barely even the start.

“Hey, are you okay? Why are you crying?” someone asks softly right into Jongdae’s right ear.

It succeeds to distract Jongdae from his untangled feelings about Loey. However, the question also makes Jongdae realize that he has tears down his cheeks. Feeling both awful and awkward, Jongdae wipes his eyes. A lie ready at the tip of his tongue, “This song has always made me tear up. It’s painful.” At least it’s not completely a lie.

“I guess you’re right” the stranger says agreeably. Not doubting Jongdae’s statement at all, he sets his eyes back to Loey again.

The stranger is a little bit taller than Jongdae. A handsome man with a dimple presents on his cheek. His black hair is gelled neatly to the back, making him look dazzlingly presentable.

“I’m Yixing by the way,” the stranger says. His smiling lips telling Jongdae that even though he has his eyes set on Loey, he pays attention to Jongdae as well. And that means he knows Jongdae’s been blatantly observing him from the side.

“Jongdae,” Jongdae tells the stranger his name. He clears his throat in even more awkwardness before setting his eyes back to Loey, too. Deep down, he thanks the stranger Yixing for making him stop feeling squishy over a song.

“It’s the first time I see someone crying over his performance. For how long have you been his audience?” Yixing suddenly asks.

Jongdae didn’t expect a conversation at all, so he’s quite taken aback. This Yixing guy seems like he’s interested to talk with him while enjoying Loey’s performance. It feels like a good distraction for Jongdae to not be too over-thinking over Loey’s song choices today so Jongdae picks the conversation. “Only around five months, how about you?” Jongdae asks back.

“Been seven years,” Yixing answers. The loud gasp Jongdae lets out making the guy chuckles. “Am I weird for being so?” Yixing asks in amusement.

Jongdae shakes his head, eyes looking at Yixing who now looks back at him. “He’s been doing this for that many years?” Jongdae asks in disbelief.

Loey doesn’t look like an old man, so Loey probably started in such a young age. Or, judging by Loey’s quirkiness towards him, Loey could really be an old man with a very baby face.

Doing busking for seven years can be considered an amazing work. As far as Jongdae knows, busking is not a tough job to maintain. Mostly because people come and go and never stay at the same place to enjoy busking. As it is, buskers also don’t usually settle in a place regularly so people will never know when or where to expect a busker.

Contradicting to it all, Loey has always been staying in the same spot almost everyday. If he won’t come the next day, Loey will always give notice beforehand and when people can come back to meet him at the same place again. The effort Loey puts into busking is undeniably a lot. It’s a result of years hard work to earn a great number of loyal audience.

But why does Loey stay doing busking rather than releasing his own music and become a professional singer? Does it have to do with him being inside a 190 cm tall refrigerator box that smeared with colorful calligraphy read as Loey and two holes in front? Should Jongdae be concerned about that?

“Yeah, he was so awful back then. Relying only on a dearly acoustic guitar and his low voice didn’t come as loud as now” Yixing tells Jongdae, meaning indeed he’s a very long fan to be able to give such information. He smiles proudly after that, aware of the greatness of his fan card.

“It must be great to be able to stay by his side for a really long time like you do. I almost can’t, I really envy you” Jongdae giggles. He pierces his eyes into the refrigerator box in front. Specifically at the two tiny holes, pretending like he’s dead staring into Loey’s soul. “He really has a nice voice. I want to keep watching him sing,” Jongdae adds a little bit later.

Jongdae’s eyes looks distant and dreamy despite not tearing them apart from the box at all. Yixing looks at them curiously. Questions are passing back and forth in the back of his mind. Wondering why Jongdae would say that and why he looks so sad.

Until a guess lights up a bulb on top of his head. “Are you the one Chanyeol met recently?” Yixing asks. If Yixing leaves it at that, Jongdae would request him to elaborate. Because who the fuck a Chanyeol is? But Yixing’s already up to explain in a heartbeat later. “I mean, face to face. You know, out of that box,” Yixing points to the box with a ‘Loey’ written in pretty and colorful calligraphy on it.

What Yixing had meant sends horror to Jongdae’s body. Spine tenses up the straightest Jongdae ever feels them stretched. His eyes widen in shock with a frown digging into his skin painfully. He looks at Yixing silently for almost more than three seconds before it shakes in panic.

To Yixing, it was an already clear answer though Jongdae doesn’t answer anything. It’s almost pitiful how Jongdae looks, though. Yixing didn’t mean to scare him and Yixing had definitely not expect Jongdae to be that terrified of his question.

What Chanyeol had exactly done to the poor guy?

“No,” Jongdae finally croaks a word out of his mouth. He’s too nervous that the short word has to be broken into three syllable. It even sounds hilarious to Jongdae’s own ears, what does he expect Yixing to take from that?

“I mean,” Jongdae is trying to explain better. But his body feels too stiff and his brain stops working at all. Jongdae feels himself numbing and everything around him fading out.

At the end, Jongdae can only sighs. He experienced too many attack in just a week and his sanity is going to be in the line soon if this continues. Jongdae needs a full month off of everything to make up for all this stress.

“What should I do to make you believe that you’re wrong despite your belief? Please, something legal and not humiliating. I don’t know how or from where you get that idea, but Loey won’t be impressed to know about what you think you know,” Jongdae says, circling around the bush to keep things vague. For Loey’s sake. Because just as he said, Loey wouldn’t be impressed. At all.

Jongdae hopes Yixing wouldn’t be such a hard person to make a negotiation as Loey was. Please. All his life is depended on Yixing’s next decisions, as funny as it sounds. Both his sanity and his future fanboying life.

Jongdae’s expression soon falls into more obvious distress. Frown forming deep on his face, making his straight eyebrows look even firmly straighter than his sexuality. Stabbing Jongdae’s skin sharply and making it wrinkle in displeasure.

“Nothing to be scared about, I promise. I’m Chanyeol’s friend since middle school and I want to apologize to you on his behalf about what he did to you the other day. He must had said hurtful things to you and I want you to know that he didn’t really mean it,” Yixing quickly explains himself. “So, can both of us talk after his performance?” Yixing adds again to conclude his talk.

Huh? What?

Jongdae doesn’t know what is happening anymore. Before he can think about anything, an annoying and deafening sound from Chanyeol’s microphone is threatening Jongdae’s eardrums to crack. Soon enough, a loud thud follows, making people around to gasp in shock and panic. The obnoxious sound from the mic is gone.

Jongdae freezes on his spot once again. Feet feels like pierced into the road beneath it. In front of him, a 190 cm tall refrigerator box had fallen backwards with the person inside it unmoving. Jongdae’s eyes tremble with even more horror and his mouth wide agape.

“Jongdae! Jongdae help me! We need to bring him out of here!”

Yixing’s voice almost lost in the sphere. Judging by how echoed it sounds in Jongdae’s mind, Jongdae would just have missed it. It’s a fortunate that Yixing tugs at his arm to make him snap out of his mind.

— ♪ —

Among all the things that Chanyeol is sure of, Chanyeol is most certain that he will forever be lacking. What he does will never make anyone satisfied at him to the point that he doesn’t bother to give a fuck anymore. Making someone else happy is a hassle and mostly, it’s not making anyone happy at all, Chanyeol included. So he just stops.

Even for Yixing, or that particularly one new stranger who forces himself to barge into Chanyeol’s life. While Chanyeol knows he sometimes upsets Yixing with his depressed self and tries to live with it anyway, those new pair of eyes that set on him were too mesmerizing to ignore. His face, looked like a concern—or even worse, pity—but Chanyeol knows better that he only faked it.

Just like how Chanyeol’s parents were.

Chanyeol understands, not every dream is approved by the adults. It’s a very complicated concept adults have about having the best life and Chanyeol’s parents are one of those who believe it.

Chanyeol had been living his younger age to complying all his parent’s requests but it’s still not enough. Probably they will stop if Chanyeol had a job as an accountant in a big company, or probably they will stop if Chanyeol made his own family with a wife and two or three children. All that Chanyeol couldn’t grant but still tried to do back in that time.

Agreeing to his parent’s every wishes is easy as a kid. When he’s told to not run, Chanyeol won’t. When he’s told to stay still, Chanyeol stayed put. It’s easy to understand that so as to not make his parents unleashed their wrath on him, which was terrifying for the little Chanyeol.

It got a lot harder when Chanyeol in middle school. Chanyeol was really not good at studying. However hard he tried to study, he couldn’t master a single thing. His bad memory about theoretical things didn’t make it any easier for Chanyeol.

Chanyeol got criticized a lot, compared to his dear older sister a lot. On how she had been a good student when she was at Chanyeol’s age, or how she was even good in sewing and cooking. She was gonna be a very proud mature woman some day, they said.

Couldn’t bear his parents remark anymore, Chanyeol dreaded himself to find a hobby. Something he would be good at, hoping it could cease his parent’s judge towards him. They had also gushed about his sister being good and sewing and cooking, hadn’t they?

Chanyeol picked on guitar. There was this cool guy among them at school named Yixing who’s good at music. It seems really cool and his friends praise the guy a lot, so Chanyeol learned instrument to him. It went smoothly at how fast he learned it and Chanyeol actually liked playing it.

Chanyeol thought he had found what he could do the best with himself. But his parent’s look when they discovered about it wasn’t pleasant at all. In fact, Chanyeol could never forget those faces. Eyes wide, eyebrows tutting deep into a frown, and both mouths wide agape.

His parents clearly didn’t like it.

The look was just the same as that stranger. That damn new stranger who forced themself into Chanyeol’s life just barely a week ago. Except for the ‘mesmerizing’ part, though Chanyeol will never admit it to anyone. Because it was so obvious, that judgmental look on his face.

It had stripped Chanyeol from his track. Seeing a face directly into him as if reading his soul open is more than just horrifying. The first time was already the worst, Chanyeol feels nausea even after he got back into the apartment and even after the day changed into the day after or the day and the day after that.

But this particular stranger Chanyeol doesn’t even know his name won’t stop bothering Chanyeol. He had appeared at his work station, opening Chanyeol more of his life Chanyeol isn’t up about.

His eyes, his tutted eyebrows that are more expressive than his parent’s, and his slightly parted mouth. The dreamy look that says he’s deep in thought rather than daydreaming about unicorn and rainbows. That look.

Chanyeol feels really awful with himself. It seems like he’s dropping back into the square one. Chanyeol hates himself a lot.

Chanyeol questions his life again, hid life choices again. Because why can’t he be good at studying? Why can’t Chanyeol be good the way his parents want him to be? His sister had made it, she became a really famous and pretty announcer. Chanyeol saw her on TV. Why can’t he be like her despite sharing the same blood from his parents? If he can, this all absolutely won’t happen. Why would he be so sucks?

It’s all because of that one stranger.

Earlier at his busking site, the guy came again. He probably thought since he’s at the very side of the crowd, he wouldn’t be seen but Chanyeol could see him perfectly. Furthermore if he was going to stand beside his best friend like that. How far did he stalk on Chanyeol and planned all that?

He’s really a menace.

In the middle of second song, Chanyeol saw that look again. It caught Chanyeol off guard that he could barely maintain his breath after that. The grumble of nausea hit his stomach and Chanyeol’s head ringing.

The sound of someone yelling bothered his head. A soft but pleading and disappoint voice chased afterwards. Chanyeol met the sound of something being broken down in the next minute. A broken guitar, to be precise. It all echoes in Chanyeol’s mind like a wind whirl.

Chanyeol couldn’t breath. All looked so blurry in front of his eyes. Coming back and blackening in each passed second. At the face of a very blurry guy, and another blurry guy, Chanyeol’s world turns to a total black.

“I don’t get you, Chanyeol. Can never get you, actually. What’s so wrong with you? Can you become a proper adult in the future? Look at your sister, aren’t you ashame of yourself?” a voice of a woman ringing sharply into Chanyeol’s ears.

“Don’t make me disappoint of you Chanyeol. At least, not any further than this. You need to grow up and stop plucking your guitar. It won’t help you survive this life! hurry up and move on or you’ll regret to never grace any advice from us” a man also speaks right away, overlying the woman’s last words.

“Put yourself together, Chanyeol. Why are you disappointing us like this?”

“What can we do with you? I can’t even expect anything from you, you’ll gonna crush it anyway,”

The voices start to fight their control over Chanyeol’s head. Making him spinning in a very dark and unknown world Chanyeol is currently sinking into. A sob is soon clearly heard while his world is spinning and ringing deafeningly once again. The quiet sob that sounds a lot like Chanyeol’s own.

‘I want to be happy.’

“Happiness, what happiness? You think happiness alone will get you far with your life? No, you’ll rot beside the trash bin”

A grunts.

“Chanyeol,”

That wide eyes returned. Mesmerizing like they’re trying to drag Chanyeol in. Like they want Chanyeol to sink deeply and never resurface again.

“Chanyeol,”

And suddenly, Chanyeol is taken back to his high school days. When everything went as best as it could be for about two years.

Chanyeol was working hard. He put the bad memories behind and made a new start. He studied very hard for his parent’s sake. It was so hard that Chanyeol nearly gave up to get accepted into the creditable high school like his parents wanted him to. Yet, he made it.

Chanyeol had well learned that nothing Chanyeol did could make his parents satisfied except doing well at studying. So studying he did. He abandoned his short-lived desire to be in a band with Yixing. He didn’t touch his broken guitar that he still kept beneath his bed.

It seemed perfect. It had sounded perfect. His parent’s nagging had reduced into medium at that time. But it was too hard for Chanyeol, he could barely manage to pass his second year.

In the last year, Chanyeol contacted Yixing for comfort. And oh, how it felt so good to touch a guitar again. An electric guitar this time, Yixing’s electric guitar to be precise.

With a brave heart, Chanyeol and Yixing did a gig together in the street. It was as well Chanyeol’s first ever busking experience. It was so great to play for someone else, to jump into the music with everyone else. Chanyeol remembers he had smiled widely, a simple thing he just realized he didn’t do often.

At that time, Chanyeol’s soul roared into the sky.

Also at that time, Chanyeol was faced with a disapproval look of his parents. So blatantly while Chanyeol still playing the electric guitar so happily and so freely. He even remembers the song, it’s titled Shape of You by Ed Sheeran.

Chanyeol’s world had stopped for the second time. He dropped the guitar and the error sound was let out of the speaker. A very deafening sound. Everyone was grimaced, but Chanyeol was frozen in spot.

Chanyeol was trying to wobble his way to his parents when he heard them say, “As expected from Chanyeol. He never listened. I’m tired of him.”

The obnoxious sound from the microphone had stopped but it was two times deafening in Chanyeol’s head. It gripped his brain like it had claws, squishing Chanyeol’s head into a blast.

Chanyeol shrieked down. A broken sob sounded so desperate and frustrated on his tongue. He pulled his hair hard, then hugging himself to hide his embarrassment self from the world.

“Chanyeol,”

It sounds soft time time. So it was probably Yixing. Only Yixing acts soft towards him despite—Chanyeol knows—being uncomfortable with his depressed manner.

“Chanyeol,”

At that, suddenly everything becomes white before Chanyeol’s eyes. The light too bright for Chanyeol’s convenience. He wakes up in an unfamiliar white room with lamps and tools in his right and left. It brings Chanyeol to a conclusion that he’s either being isolated in a very creepy laboratory room or that he’s actually finally dead.

Soon, Chanyeol feels a warmth on his right hand, enveloping him in a careful touch that Chanyeol hadn’t feel before. A hissing leads Chanyeol to realize that the hand enveloping his is trying to detach him from something, from some skin.

“Chanyeol, you wake up!” a voice that definitely belongs to Yixing greets Chanyeol cheerfully. His face popping at Chanyeol’s left. Which means that the hand on his right is someone else’s.

Chanyeol blinks weakly towards Yixing, then turns to his right to see who is it dares to touch him. Because it’s clearly not the doctor. Yixing left the room to call them just a few seconds ago.

There, the mesmerizing eyes Chanyeol dreads, are. They pin Chanyeol down even harder in this situation where Chanyeol can’t even think or do anything with his limbs. They looks equally concerned and terrified.

“Get out,” Chanyeol manages to wheeze his words out.

“I’m… sorry,” he says.

Nonsense. He wants to make me say it.

“Get out, you” Chanyeol repeats his word stubbornly.

In that time, a doctor and two nurses are coming into the room with Yixing trailing behind. Yixing shots the guy with a strange look, “Where are you going?” he asks.

“I… uh,” the guy trails off.

“Hi,” the doctor says, covering the guy’s and Yixing’s conversation. It had made Chanyeol indeed turn to him, gracing the doctor with some attention. The doctor bends his limb to the side, looking down at the bed. “Chanyeol? Right. How are you feeling, buddy?” the doctor asks.

“He wants me to get out” the guys voice comes at the same time as the doctor.

Chanyeol can hear both of them just fine, given the constant yelling the two voices always have in his head. Chanyeol squints his eyes shut and groans. The deafening sound is starting to come back to dig into Chanyeol’s head.

“Chanyeol does?”

“Well… yeah,”

“Can you give me your number?”

Before Chanyeol’s world spins before his eyes again, the doctor holds Chanyeol’s hand. It’s not warm like before, but it’s not cold either. Chanyeol won’t know, it seems like he lost his five senses again.

“Breath,” the doctor words come across Chanyeol’s mind.

“I’m really sorry for everything Chanyeol did to you. You don’t hate him, right?”

“Patient-nim, please breath,” now, it’s the nurse who tries to ground him back.

“I don’t think I do, don’t worry.”

“Thank you, Jongdae. You’re really kind. I’m glad you’re the one meeting Chanyeol and has to deal with him. He’s a really nice kid, please don’t hate him. Just give him time for now”

“Okay. I’ll get going, Yixing-ssi”

Chanyeol’s vision becomes blur, then clear, then blur again. When he’s almost unconscious again, the strong grip on Chanyeol’s hand keeps Chanyeol in place. He eventually gains conscious again.

“You’re not answering and you’re distracted. I’ll call our psychiatrist for you, is that okay, Chanyeol-ssi?” the doctor talks to Chanyeol. Seeing no response yet again from Chanyeol, the doctor only nods once and turn the the nurses at his side. “Contact our psychiatrist to treat him,” he orders quietly.

The doctor then turns around, marching himself to Yixing near the door who’s still bidding someone goodbye. “We’ll reach our psychiatrist for him. If they didn’t say anything about Chanyeol-ssi, then you can leave after about two to three hours. I hope Chanyeol-ssi will please take care of his well-being and drink a lot of water. It’s important to stay hydrated,” the doctor says.

“I will pass your words, thank you doctor-nim” Yixing replies, bowing himself low enough to be polite.

“I hope you will get well soon, patient-nim” one of the nurses says their farewell with a friendly smile. Soon following the doctor’s steps outside to continue doing their job.

Meanwhile, Chanyeol’s world is still buzzing though everything is not as blurry as before.

— ♪ —

Despite being born in autumn, Chanyeol doesn’t really like the season. It feels sunny and warm at day but turns completely cold at night. Chanyeol feels like experiencing season change everyday and he doesn’t appreciate that.

Chanyeol is staring into the window by his bed. Looking the street gleaming with the yellow light but it somehow looks cold at the same time. Is it the way people wears layers of jacket and a scarf around their necks or the white steam that starts to form in the air? Chanyeol doesn’t know exactly, it could both be wrong.

The day was about to enter the night time and then a new day would begin again. It has been days since he’s discharged from the hospital and Chanyeol doesn’t turn any more sane since. Not needed to say, he daydreams a lot just like how he coped with his dark days in the past.

Chanyeol takes a break from busking so aside from his job as the mechanic, he’s mostly free. It feels wrong to not do anything so he wants to compose some songs. He can’t. His productivity is sucked into staring into the window or nothing in particular.

At around ten in the night, Yixing opens the door to the room. Shock written on his face as he realizes a silhouette sitting too straight on the bed to call it as asleep. Must be nice to be great and busy like Yixing is, Chanyeol thought as he looks at Yixing.

“What the hell! I thought you were already asleep, Yeol. The house was so quiet and every lamp isn’t turned on” Yixing grumbles as he strokes his chest to comfort his rapidly jumping heart.

“It’s late anyway,” Chanyeol says. Letting the ‘what’s your problem?’ unsaid in the back of his throat.

Even though Yixing were gonna come back around dinner time, Yixing would still find the quiet house in the dark and startled to find Chanyeol on the bed. Because Chanyeol hadn’t been moving since noon, thus he never turns the lamp on at all. But Yixing doesn’t need to know that.

“Right, have you eaten?” Yixing asks, putting his bag on the study chair between two beds.

“It’s already late, Xing” Chanyeol lifts an eyebrow at Yixing.

“So? Doesn’t mean you have already eaten” Yixing counter attacks. Scoring ten out of ten at not falling into Chanyeol’s trick.

Just as mentioned above, Chanyeol hadn’t been moving since noon, so Chanyeol haven’t eat anything at all today. He’s hungry but doesn’t think the energy to find or make food worth it since he doesn’t have appetite anyway. And now that it’s already late in the night, Chanyeol was planning to go to sleep and deal with his hunger tomorrow.

“So, you haven’t, right? What a coincidence, me too. Wanna grab late dinner outside or you’re okay with oatmeal?” Yixing asks.

Chanyeol grimaces at the idea. Oatmeal isn’t tasty at all. In a very factual fact, it tastes bland as fuck. To say that Chanyeol doesn’t like it will be an understatement, he’s willing to die as long as he doesn’t have to eat that. It’s not even a meal, why they call it oatmeal?

Chanyeol swears, if he eats it tonight before bed with a very empty stomach, Chanyeol will murder someone before going to sleep. Yixing would likely be his victim, first of all. But Yixing had been his only companion for years and Chanyeol prefers to not walk his path alone without the former.

Without a word, Chanyeol stands from his bed. Making his head spins and his vision white even though he stands in a very normal speed. While balancing himself, he reaches for his jacket that hangs behind the door and leaves the room.

Yixing immediately follows Chanyeol and stands at Chanyeol’s side in no minute. “You remember the doctor said you need to take care of your eating and stay hydrated, right?” Yixing asks, not to get an answer but to complain.

Chanyeol doesn’t answer. Forcing Yixing to elaborate on his own instead. Yixing will be complaining whether Chanyeol opens his mouth or not anyway.

“You need to drink your medications, Chanyeol. How can only a day passed and you’re already wobbling like that? Do you want to get better or not?” Yixing nags with all his might. Doesn’t give up at all even when he’s looking down at his feet to put on his shoes.

Taking Yixing’s last question into consideration, Chanyeol wants to say no. But if he thinks about it again, Chanyeol actually doesn’t really know the answer. Does he want to get better? Chanyeol has lost from his track too far to track what he wants anymore.

“Let’s get you better soon, Yeol. So that you can do your busking again and come back to your routine. I know that’s the only thing that can keep you from breaking, let’s get you back to it,” Yixing says with sympathy. His face shows a genuine concern, with eyebrows slightly furrow and his lips stretched into a considerate smile.

Right. It was the only thing Chanyeol holds dearly for his life. Yixing’s right about that. Yixing has always been right about that, about Chanyeol in general.

Chanyeol finally smiles for the first time that day. “Thanks, Xing-ah,” Chanyeol mutters.

Chanyeol and Yixing walks in the corridor with an easy discussion about restaurant they want to go. Both of them listing the food they starve to eat instead, from stew to chicken to an actual hot pot. It seems like the night would either be long with nonsense or end up with a really fitful sleep. Or probably both.

It has been a pleasant dinner for Chanyeol to spend it with Yixing. It has been a really long time since they hang out and can be so free and comfortable around each other. Like nothing in the world is matter anymore, like they could do anything and no one would judge or prohibit them.

Chanyeol admits, he misses this kinda moment between them. Adulting has been catching them up for a really long time now. In an honest moment like this, it’s clear to Chanyeol that neither of them has been innocent anymore but somehow also not quite too strict with views and values as most adults are. Which is nice.

“Chanyeol, how long has it been since you talk to someone else? Except with me, of course” Yixing suddenly asks between a bite of his grilled pork. He glances over Chanyeol once before completely engrossed in his food. His hunger seems just as real as Chanyeol’s.

Observing how lead back his best friend is, Chanyeol decides to take the question lightly. “I don’t remember. You know I’m only close with you,” Chanyeol answers truthfully.

Yixing gives him a hum. He eats the last grilled pork wrap and swallows it slowly. It looks like Yixing just abruptly closes the conversation at Chanyeol’s answer, but after he gulps a glass of water, he starts to speak on the same topic again. “It’s obvious. How you treat Jongdae isn’t like the Park Chanyeol I know at all,” Yixing says.

Chanyeol almost forgets what they’re talking about. Absolutely absorbed into digging his bowl of rice down. “Jongdae?” Chanyeol asks, eyebrows furrows with the new name.

Yixing only stares at Chanyeol, bringing them into another silence. It was awkward how Chanyeol tries to pretend like no one had said anything and eat under Yixing’s eyes. Yixing seems determined to torture Chanyeol like that, his gaze unfazed at all. After Chanyeol finishes his meal, Yixing finally resumes his talk. “Jongdae, the one you complained about finding your identity outside the box,” Yixing says.

Now Chanyeol finally realizes Yixing’s consideration to wait for Chanyeol to finish his meal. Because Chanyeol completely lost his appetite after hearing the detail. “What about him?” Chanyeol asks, uninterested.

Yixing suppresses his lips into a thin line. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. Your behavior towards other people had changed a lot, Yeol. I won’t definitely care if you don’t hurt people but I have to admit you’re being too much with Jongdae,” Yixing says.

Chanyeol can smell another nagging coming his way. And Chanyeol doesn’t really want to take that. Despite feeling himself whispering how inadequate he is that this is happening, Chanyeol can’t let that guy, Jongdae, off the hook. Jongdae had been really disrespectful and recalling all nasty memories Chanyeol rather buried deep down.

Chanyeol is struggling. All because of this Jongdae. Yixing, of all people, just can’t take side with that guy. Yixing has been seeing how hard Chanyeol tries to hold on with his life. This can’t be real.

“He was crying when you sang She’s In The Rain, Yeol. He must be a true fan to be able to empathize with you on such level,” Yixing says. “When I asked him about you, he didn’t answer it clearly until I said I’m your friend. That means he’s not the type to recklessly say things around. He had been apologizing to you the other day, what else you search in him to act this way, Yeol?” Yixing continues. Eyes remain soft to show that he’s genuinely care about this.

“I was shattered once again, Xing. I can’t believe you question me after witnessing every up and downfall of my life. All because of one who is seemingly interesting to you” Chanyeol judges back.

The statement has seemingly caught Yixing off guard. He didn’t expect he would hear Chanyeol’s distrust at all. Then, the matter is definitely a lot deeper for Chanyeol than Yixing thought. “I don’t talk about this because he’s cute, Chanyeol. I want you to know that he has been all but a kind-hearted man. He helped me bring you to the hospital without asking. And when I apologized for your cold behaviour towards him, he said he never minded them because it’s his fault in the first place. He thought he deserved it, Yeol,” Yixing explains desperately.

“You know he could ask me anything about you and I would have answered willingly for a favor and apology, but he never did. He values you, Yeol,” Yixing adds again.

All the frustrated look on Yixing’s face turns too ugly for Chanyeol to bear. It’s really, exactly, that look his parents always had. Yixing wants Chanyeol to understand and desperately so, but Yixing also has a little to no expectation that Chanyeol would really do. That kind of look.

“What do you want me to do?” Chanyeol sighs in clear defeat.

Yixing’s features soften at that. The Chanyeol Yixing knows is much or less back again. The soft-hearted Chanyeol, the kid-like Chanyeol. “I learned that Jongdae wanted to learn how to sing from you. I want you to help him and be a little bit closer, at least until you lost the urge to choke him to death. Will you do it?” Yixing asks.

Chanyeol tightens his jaw, lips pressed shut harshly to refrain himself from snapping yet again at Yixing. “Do I have any other option, then?” Chanyeol responds sarcastically.

Yixing smiles again, soft and comforting. At least that’s what he tries to do while Chanyeol looks too inconsolable right now. “Jongdae may have triggered your trauma, but he’s not the one who caused you to have it, Yeol. Like I said, I want to help you find your way back to busking again so you can hang on a little bit further. And Jongdae may be able to help,” Yixing leans forward to tap Chanyeol’s shoulder a few times. A silent ‘fighting!’ within the gesture.

Chanyeol looks at Yixing who seems relief and sighs in resignation himself. “I want a beer,” Chanyeol mutters.

“You can’t. You’re under medication right now,” Yixing smiles wider, clearly in a teasing mode.

“I hate you, Xing” Chanyeol only rambles.

“I know, I love you too,” Yixing easily answers.

Yixing stands up from his chair, followed by Chanyeol in the next second. They take their own coats and walk to the cashier to pay for their meal. Chuckling quietly that it feels almost awkward since they had just confessed their fondness to each other.

— ♪ —

“Have you told them we’re gonna be late?” Kyungsoo asks Jongdae.

Jongdae, who was busy suiting himself inside Kyungsoo’s car with a lot of nervousness, only can register Kyungsoo’s voice. Not a single word was being processed in his brain at all. “Huh? What?” Jongdae asks while stumbling with his seat belt.

Kyungsoo decides to wait a little for Jongdae to focus in their conversation. He’s not at all a fan of repeating the same sentences over to someone, in the first place. After Jongdae clicks his seat belt and is comfortable in his seat, Kyungsoo repeats his question. “Have you told them we’re gonna be late, Teacher Kim?” Kyungsoo says while starting the engine.

Jongdae blushes a little upon Kyungsoo’s teasing. Suddenly so self-aware how over-dressed he is with a white button up and gray suit with matching gray pants. It technically isn’t at all over-dressed as he was teaching the kids. But to meet up with Chanyeol and Yixing at their studio apartment, it’s definitely more than just over-dressed.

Jongdae doesn’t have the time to change his clothes, had to immediately depart from the orphanage. Both Kyungsoo and Jongdae are, since Kyungsoo also just clocked out from the company he works at. Jongdae supposes, it makes the two of them to look ridiculous upon visiting someone’s apartment in Apgujeong.

“Yes. Yixing assured that it isn’t a problem because he’s in the apartment all evening to compose some songs. And if Loey hadn’t come back yet from work, we could start off without him,” Jongdae explains. “I’ve sent you the map to their apartment, right?” Jongdae adds just to confirm.

“I have them set on the GPS already,” Kyungsoo answers easily. While turning his car out of the orphanage, Kyungsoo suddenly hums in satisfaction. “Great to know that that lanky guy wouldn’t be there from the beginning. I hate being around him and I absolutely hate it more for you to be around him,” Kyungsoo says.

Jongdae giggles, finding Kyungsoo’s resentment so adorable. Though Jongdae had continuously assured that he’s okay, it’s obvious that Kyungsoo hates Chanyeol because of how Chanyeol treats Jongdae. It’s so sweet for their friendship record, Jongdae’s not gonna lie about that.

Jongdae was invited today to visit Chanyeol’s and Yixing’s studio apartment to discuss about busking. Jongdae would be confused if Yixing weren’t elaborated that matter on the phone—and indeed he was—explaining that it would be Jongdae’s and Chanyeol’s busking adventure. And there, more confused Jongdae became about the whole situation. Because why? How? Was Yixing kidding?

Yixing only ushered him to come with a promise that he will explain everything more when they meet.

When Jongdae told it to Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo was definitely more than just shocked. His wide round eyes were threatening to jump out of its sockets. Kyungsoo was ready to protest but considerate enough to contemplate that it has been Jongdae’s dream to be able to sing like Chanyeol. He sure doesn’t want to crush that dream for his best friend.

So here Jongdae and Kyungsoo were. In the car to take a forty something minutes ride from the orphanage to Yixing’s and Chanyeol’s shared studio apartment. Kyungsoo had insisted to be tagged along because one: the idea of a Jongdae coming alone to a two guys shared apartment isn’t really a good idea, and two: Kyungsoo wants to glare at Chanyeol all he wants for a warning so Chanyeol would never hurt Jongdae again. Definitely not under Kyungsoo’s watch or that lanky man is gonna be regretting his life.

Jongdae and Kyungsoo arrive at the apartment, immediately enters the building once Yixing opens the door from the intercom for them. Pressing the bell into the unit, Jongdae and Kyungsoo is greeted by Yixing in his black tank top and shorts glory as the door opens. No one can definitely understand how relieved Kyungsoo is to not let Jongdae come alone.

“I’m sorry it’s really messy inside. Both of us aren’t really good with that kind of thing,” Yixing says in advance.

Jongdae can’t care about the apartment’s messiness when as soon as he comes inside, he’s welcomed by a room with large wide window on the side. Revealing a set of band instrument such as drum, piano, guitars, and a very eye-catching mic holder. It’s the studio, Jongdae guesses.

Sensing both Jongdae and Kyungsoo looking at the studio, Yixing gives an amused little smile. “Do you guys want to take a look? Chanyeol made the studio, he built this wall and set every aesthetic you’ll find inside” Yixing explains.

“He built this wall? That’s possible to do?” Jongdae’s eyes are big, admiration is clear in his eyes.

“I never know it could be possible myself if I didn’t watch him cutting tiles and everything everyday. He even worked with the maintenance to put the soundproof. I know nothing at all about that, I just trusted Chanyeol completely. Doesn’t have any problem with that room so far,” Yixing states.

Yixing turns the door handle open and reveals more of the room than what it can be seen through the glass window. There, the aesthetic were greeting them immediately. The narrow and long shelf hanging shortly on the wall, lining prettily with some cable roll and electronics along with a collection of drumsticks and guitar picks on it. Above it and each side of the wall, hanging some paintings about music and abstract.

“Sorry, it’s late to introduce myself. I’m Kyungsoo, Jongdae’s best friend since college,” Kyungsoo says, shattering the silence down. He stretches his right hand in a polite gesture as he introduced himself.

Yixing shows his right dimple at that. His drowsy eyes are full of life for a moment. “Jongdae had mentioned you a lot in the chat. Nice to meet you, I’m Yixing, Chanyeol’s friend since middle school” Yixing says, never flattering his smile.

“I’m really sorry for how Chanyeol behaves to the both of you. I feel like I should properly apologize to you too, for hurting your best friend in the way Chanyeol did” Yixing says as he ushers Jongdae and Kyungsoo out of the studio. Trying to make his guests sit on the couch in front of a flat 75-inch television on a table.

“That’s not on you to apologize,” Kyungsoo assures.

“Still,” Yixing mutters apologetically. “Anyway, what drink do you guys want to have? I can make tea, coffee, and we have some orange juice in the refrigerator,” Yixing offers before he starts to walk to the kitchen.

“Anything is fine,” Jongdae answers, followed by Kyungsoo’s nod. “Anyway, Yixing-ssi. You promised to tell me about the busking,” Jongdae says, turning his limb to the walking Yixing behind him.

“Oh, about that” Yixing mutters. “You need to stop using honorific to me, then I will tell you. We’re only one year apart, just call me comfortably like Chanyeol does,” Yixing says, preparing two mugs of a warm tea for Jongdae and Kyungsoo.

“That’s hard to do,” Jongdae whines. “What about I call you Hyung-ah? It’s not formal and definitely sounds close?” Jongdae offers another alternate.

Yixing gives Jongdae his dimple smile, a sign of a white flag waving towards Jongdae. “For now,” Yixing agrees. “About busking, it was a humble apology gift from us for abusing your feeling, Jongdae. I told you, I genuinely feel sorry for you and Chanyeol seems to feel that too. Why are you so worried about it, though?” Yixing asks.

If Jongdae’s asked what is it that makes him on edge about the busking thing, it’s obviously because of the busking itself. Jongdae doesn’t think he’s capable to do such thing. To do it together with the famous street musician named Loey doesn’t make it any better. Jongdae’s scared he would drag Chanyeol’s popularity down with him because of how terrible Jongdae is at singing.

Yixing had assured that it’s for Jongdae’s learning experience since Jongdae said he wanted to learn singing from Chanyeol. He said on the phone, that busking is the best thing to improve Jongdae’s ability in a short limited time Chanyeol’s willing to help. Jongdae can experiment with his singing technique with ease to find what is suitable for him and the audience. Jongdae can also note down what kind of songs people like to hear and how Jongdae would take that into his own consideration.

The audience at every busking event is the most honest, after all. They are all strangers who will only stop and listen if they like the song. People are gathered there for the music only, not based on anything else. That will definitely be useful for Jongdae to see and learn later on.

Around ten minutes later, the apartment door opens to show Chanyeol in his all-black glory and a side strap bag circling his upper body. All the three people in the room suddenly stop the conversation all at once, turning their eyes in the direction of the door to see Chanyeol toeing his shoes off. The air in the room suddenly turns heavy even with Yixing’s indescribable smile’s presence.

Chanyeol raises his head only to be pinned with three pairs of eyes setting at him. He immediately realizes the nervous bubble in the air. Then, Chanyeol furrows his eyebrows that surprisingly are very expressive compared to Chanyeol’s everytime expression. “Are you gonna apply for a job or something?” that was the first remark to leave Chanyeol’s mouth upon seeing Jongdae and Kyungsoo in suits.

“We came here straight from work. I’m sorry I was afraid we would arrive here too late in the evening if we changed clothes first,” Jongdae says, his eyes finally travel down to his knees.

“Why are you sorry?” Kyungsoo protests.

“Right, Jongdae. You don’t have to feel sorry about that. I like how you look right now, so professional, so cool. Yeol, do you know Jongdae is a teacher? He teaches children to read, write, and understand things. He’s cool, right?” Yixing praises Jongdae to no end, making the latter blush violently.

Jongdae has always been so bad with compliments. He doesn’t think he’s worth the praises and he doesn’t know what to react to them. It’s almost twice time worse as Yixing brags about Jongdae like Jongdae’s his most valuable son who had won an olympic medal.

“I’ll change my clothes for a second,” Chanyeol excuses himself, ignoring everyone in the room with no remorse.

Chanyeol appears back to the living room with another plain black t-shirt that looks like it’s twice size larger than Chanyeol’s initial size. It makes Chanyeol who basically has the biggest body in the room somehow look small. Adding to that, Chanyeol’s black wavy hair is almost untamable with his big ears try to peek out of it. Chanyeol looks completely like a puppy.

As expected, Chanyeol doesn’t waste any time and proceeds straightly to the business. He asks various questions and ask Jongdae to sing a tune. All that time, Chanyeol’s face remain stern while Yixing keeps a poker face. Only Kyungsoo is smiling in the room.

When Jongdae’s asked to sing something he’s confident of, that’s when Chanyeol’s and Yixing’s expression breaks. Both of them part their lips apart, shocked to hear Uphill Road from Yoon Jongshin featuring Jungin. Once again, only Kyungsoo is smiling in the room. His teeth are showing, making his lips shaped into a heart. Kyungsoo’s way too proud with his best friend right now.

“Why are you here again? To mock me as I expected you would?” Chanyeol asks, breaking the fazing atmosphere first. He turns to his side only to find how Yixing still blinks a few times like an immobile human.

“No! Of course no! I genuinely want to learn from… you. Sir,” Jongdae extends both his arms hesitantly towards Chanyeol. His palms piling from one on top of the other like he’s either about to receive something or gonna play volley ball.

“I had told this many times before, but I really like your… voice. It sounds so mature and so soothing to hear. I want to sound like that… too… if it’s possible,” Jongdae says. “Compared to… Loey’s… voice, mine sounds too high-pitched. It hurts even my own ears, I really hate it,” Jongdae adds again.

Chanyeol snorts. “You’re kidding,” he says skeptically.

Jongdae was about to argue again. His lips are ready to try explaining again why Chanyeol’s voice is better and why he wants to be like Chanyeol. But Yixing’s hand reaches to touch Jongdae’s knee, shocking him to the core.

“With a voice like that, you’re really good to go on your own, Jongdae. Or apply an audition to a company if you want. I fear there’s barely anything we can teach you about,” Yixing says.

“So, having a voice like Chanyeol’s and… I mean, Loey-nim’s… and Kyungsoo’s would be impossible for me?” Jongdae asks. His eyes shimmering with hidden hurt that begs Yixing and Chanyeol to disagree at his question.

“Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol asks, turning his head at Kyungsoo who sits just beside Jongdae.

“Me. Why? Have any problem with it?” Kyungsoo asks in challenge. Even if the words he said sound offensive, Kyungsoo had said it without any emotion in his voice or even in his expression at all. Though it didn’t fail to make it less offensive. Kyungsoo’s calmness is scary sometimes.

“No. I can see this guy’s point,” Chanyeol dismisses quickly.

“Kyungsoo’s voice may be so deep when he talks but it’s so rich and melodious when he sings,” Yixing corrects Chanyeol. It makes the latter so embarrassed by the lack of information. And of course, as the best friend Yixing is, he has to sass Chanyeol with it.

Jongdae nods, agreeing. “Yes, it’s so pretty,” Jongdae says.

“People don’t use ‘pretty’ to describe someone’s voice, Dae. Cut it,” Kyungsoo says but his lips smiling and his hand reaches to his ear in fluster.

Kyungsoo looks cute doing that, it makes Jongdae smiles and unconsciously turning to Chanyeol to see his reaction. But Chanyeol only pouts his naturally pouty lips, looking uninterested and annoyed. Jongdae only sighs at that, his smile flattened but never disappears from his face.

As the busking plan is an apology gift for Jongdae, they continue to make a plan for it to happen. Despite being shaken by how good Jongdae’s singing ability turns out to be. On the other note, the busking might turn to be easier for Chanyeol and Jongdae as Jongdae is easy to be directed when it comes to singing techniques.

The discussion goes smoothly with a few conclusions.

One is that Jongdae doesn’t know how to play any instrument at all. Which Chanyeol doesn’t mind at all. In fact, it makes Chanyeol’s job even easier to do everything by himself.

Two is about Jongdae and Chanyeol surprisingly have a very very similar taste in music. They both love old songs, a bunch of very old and absolutely legendary songs from legendary artists. That being said, Jongdae and Chanyeol are confirmed to be the biggest nerd with an old-fashioned and absolutely unsophisticated taste.

“It’s a three days busking tour, right? Is it too much to ask you to come to this place, Yeol?” Yixing asks in the middle of discussion about where they should go to perform.

“Where?” Chanyeol asks back.

“Dehakro,” Yixing says, short and clear.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to expect when Yixing asked the question earlier, but that place definitely won’t be in the list. Chanyeol had burnt the name in his brain, cursing it like the most dangerous forbidden word in the world. Chanyeol damned Yixing for saying it on his face.

“That place doesn’t exist,” Chanyeol simply answers.

“Huh?” Jongdae can’t help but let out the confused sound. His eyes move from Chanyeol, to Yixing, then to Kyungsoo for help. He can’t understand the conversation at all. Jongdae never heard the word ‘Dehakro’ in his whole 25 years old life before. He doesn’t know whether the place is really exist or not so Jongdae doesn’t know who to believe.

“I’m sure there’s a street named it when I went to see a musical at Performing Arts Theatre there. Unless I’m hallucinating it or the place is actually demolished, that is” Kyungsoo says to answer Jongdae’s curious eyes and demanding pout.

“How can you demolish a street?” Yixing asks with an eyebrow raised distrustfully.

“Why can’t you? I read there was this wildfire incident that burnt an entire city in Indonesia decades ago. The streets were definitely not there anymore after that massive damage, right?” Kyungsoo says with a deadly serious expression, it’s hard to tell whether he’s joking or not.

“There was nothing like that here, Kyungsoo-ya” Yixing says with a bitter laugh. His eyebrows are now both raised high with an amused smile painting his face. Though looks unsure, Yixing sure is a lot much amused with Kyungsoo.

“For an accountant, you really know a lot about this kind of stuff, Soo” Jongdae comments.

“Nerd,” Chanyeol comments flatly. Though he’s not the one in the place to say that when his music taste was just exposed to be just as nerd.

“I’m not. I have art history as my minor back in the college,” Kyungsoo argues.

There’s something Kyungsoo doesn’t say there. Because for sure art history has nothing to do with the massive wildfire in Indonesia. On top of that, art history doesn’t seem to be focused in Indonesia to begin with. Fortunately, everyone seems to not mind and leaves Kyungsoo at that.

“Anyway, I want you both to visit there. You know what I’m saying, right, Yeol? I hope it can help you find peace and then free yourself,” Yixing says again, reminding everyone of what they’re talking about before start to discuss about a wildfire in another country.

At Yixing’s words, Jongdae looks at Chanyeol. Carefully observing what’s on the latter’s mind and trying to figure out why Chanyeol needs to find peace in the first place. Jongdae finds nothing except a nod Chanyeol reluctantly gives Yixing.

At the end of the day, Jongdae and Kyungsoo leave the apartment with Kyungsoo feeling assured to let Jongdae do busking with Chanyeol. Mostly because Yixing is kind and he seems to have some control over a shitty Chanyeol. Aside from that, surprisingly, Chanyeol behaved less like a dickhead today. His remark didn’t sound as bastard as the other day at the car repair shop.

“Wait,” suddenly, a hand reaches for Jongdae’s arm. Making Jongdae flinches in pain.

Jongdae tries to hide his expression, but Kyungsoo knows better that Jongdae’s in immense pain. Because that’s exactly the spot where this same person had made it into reddish purple—now blackish purple. Kyungsoo immediately shots Chanyeol a murderous glare, hoping it would succeed at making a hole somewhere on the latter’s body.

Seems like Chanyeol isn’t that less a dickhead today. Kyungsoo scratches that statement of his off. He’ll definitely still be watching this dude.

“Why?” Jongdae asks while holding his arm.

“Just…” Chanyeol trails off, his face looks perplexed. “I’ll be done with my work at 3 so just come here at 4 in case you’ll be waiting outside,” Chanyeol says in the end.

“Okay,” it’s just the same time like Jongdae had come today but he doesn’t say it out loud.

“What is that? Just text Jongdae when you’re on your way here,” Yixing scoffs.

“No, I don’t have his number” Chanyeol says.

“Well, I have. I can give you his number. Right, Jongdae?” Yixing says, turning his attention to Jongdae afterwards.

“Yes. That would be more convenient, I guess” Jongdae says, offering both Yixing and Chanyeol his shy smile.

Kyungsoo sighs. “You know, idiot. I may haven’t warn you clearly but stay your fingers or any skin of you away from my best friend or I’ll cook you alive” Kyungsoo threatens.

“S-Soo-ya…”Jongdae calls out, feeling more threatened than the target of Kyungsoo’s ultimatum.

“You’re hurt, Dae. I will definitely put my knife skill into a good use if that lanky dude is trying to touch you again. So remember, don’t touch Jongdae. Ever,” Kyungsoo protests at his best friend then quickly turning to Chanyeol to make sure his warning is being understood.

“And you, hyung, please don’t touch Jongdae in that area until Jongdae lets you,” now, Kyungsoo’s attention is shot at Yixing. His voice is a lot softer but his expression remains stern and serious.

“I won’t” Yixing agrees instantly, raising his two hands in surrender.

“Good,” Kyungsoo says.

— ♪ —

Chanyeol stays put inside the box, an electric guitar ready in his hold. He didn’t do anything except roaming his eyes around to inspect a large crowd in front of him. Carefully and thoroughly scanning every face presents from two tiny holes of his eye level.

The deadly silence makes soft murmurs from people can be heard a little too loudly. The box is too quiet for a very long time now, making people start to think whether it’s a scam or not. Their heads bob to the left and right to find out what’s keeping the musician to not start the performance yet.

“Hi,” finally, Chanyeol croaks out to the microphone. He inspects the crowd once more, but still finds nothing. Then, he heaves a long sigh. “I have a little announcement to deliver before I start the first song. I’ll take another hiatus from now on and come back again in Spring,” Chanyeol declares.

Some soft murmurs fill out the silence again before they unite into one cohesive ‘it’s okay’ and ‘we will wait for you’ to Chanyeol. Face smiling and full of passion, makes Chanyeol curve a smile of his own.

Chanyeol feels extremely grateful to have these people for him though he knows they will just occasionally come and go. People always move after all, and they will move from Chanyeol as well. Whether they’re old or new people just discovering Chanyeol’s existence, the fact that they’re there for Chanyeol holds deeper meaning beyond than just enough.

“Alright, shall we listen to the first song now?” Chanyeol says followed by a lot louder merry cheers from the crowd in front of him.

Strings of a guitar sound suddenly blasting the air. The atmosphere is suddenly very exciting like they never have the most awkward silence in Chanyeol’s entire busking career just now. Eventually, the cheer is subsided and Chanyeol gets to sing the first verse.

The whole time to the end of his performance that day, Chanyeol keeps searching. At least once every two songs, Chanyeol’s eyes go from his right to left only to be disappointed once again. Even when he’s packing his things to go home, Chanyeol never finds what he’s searching for.

That guy doesn’t come today.

Is it because the guy has accomplished his goal? Must be it, Chanyeol knew it. That guy has acquired a busking with him, sure that guy has no business in bothering Chanyeol anymore. What a terrible guy.

Tomorrow, Chanyeol will have to discuss yet another technical things about busking with that guy. They need to decide what tool and instrument they should bring and choose songs they will sing together. Chanyeol will put his eyes on that guy and see how much more horrendous that guy with his nasty intentions could be.

Chanyeol’s sure he will decide most of the things alone, if not completely by himself. That guy is too agreeable yesterday. He doesn’t seem to have any idea by himself. Completely following along with Yixing’s idea all of the time. It’s awfully clear that the guy has no interest in anything but the chance to sing together with Chanyeol.

Tomorrow comes, Chanyeol goes through the few contacts on his phone while walking to the nearest bus stop. Searching for a number under the name ‘Kim Jongdae Rude’ to notify the guy that Chanyeol is going to be on the way home. When the chat box shows up, Chanyeol only realizes that they never sent each other a message.

It’s strange, Chanyeol thought the guy will annoy Chanyeol more through the chat now that he has Chanyeol’s number. But the guy never did. The last conversation they have consists only one bubble from each other, Chanyeol informing the guy that it was him and the guy had only responded him with an ‘okay’.

Chanyeol

This is my number

-Chanyeol-

Jongdae

Okay

Chanyeol

I’m on my way home

Jongdae

Okay

I’m in the bus right now, I’ll be there in about thirty minutes.

Not gonna lie, Chanyeol thought the guy would leave him at another ‘okay’. It scared Chanyeol for a moment to receive only that. Fortunately, the next bubble comes right away, breaking Chanyeol’s presumption about the guy’s chatting style.

That guy is weird. That guy whose name Chanyeol still doesn’t want to mention at all. Is a lot weird.

Chanyeol stuffs his phone into his bag and then his cold hands into the pocket of his jacket. The temperature is a lot lower this evening. Winter sure is gonna come soon. Chanyeol hopes it wouldn’t be too freezing this year, Chanyeol doesn’t like feeling cold.

At times like this, Chanyeol really wants to just be a bear. Hibernating all winter long and only come out of the den once spring has come. Must be nice, to live like that.

Chanyeol wants to curl up inside his room all winter long, too. Not needing to get out or go to work at all. But capitalism sucks and Chanyeol needs to survive more than just during winter.

Without Chanyeol realizes, his apartment building is already near. As he walks to the building, Chanyeol almost jumps out of his skin when he almost bumps into another person. When he looks up, Chanyeol meets another shocked expression that goes even more shocked upon seeing Chanyeol.

“I thought you said you will come in thirty minutes?” Chanyeol breaks the silence first.

“Uh… yes? My run can’t be that fast with these feet, right? Because the bus I took can’t be suddenly running fast either,” the guy says, wriggling one his foot in front of Chanyeol.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what the guy is planning to imply with the wriggle of his foot. It looks so ridiculous that Chanyeol lets out a snicker involuntarily. The guy seems to notice Chanyeol’s amusement because he’s smiling though his face looks confused as hell.

“Let’s get into the business,” Chanyeol says, walking ahead to open the front door with his member card.

Once inside his apartment unit, Chanyeol toes off his shoes and quickly get rid of his jacket as well. Walking fast into the heater to set the room temperature into twenty three celsius to warm him up. “If you want anything, just get it from the refrigerator yourself,” Chanyeol says.

“Okay,” the guy mumbles quietly.

Chanyeol almost has his heart stops beating to receive such an answer. It’s a good thing he’s not facing the guy at the moment or the guy would completely make fun of him. Chanyeol brings his note and pen to the living room, finding the guy fidgets with his phone.

Chanyeol clears his throat and the discussion begins right away. Since their taste in music is so similar, it’s not hard to decide the set list. And as expected, the guy mostly only agrees in what Chanyeol is proposing. Though it ends up in only a bunch of absolutely old songs no one knows and cares about.

“I honestly want to learn rap. Is it possible? Can we try a song with a bit rap of it? The one that is not too hard to do such as… uh, is it too much to ask?” the guy suddenly backpedals.

“Why you suddenly want to rap?” Chanyeol asks.

“Uh… I think since we do this, I want to try all kind of songs. You were so cool when you covered Epik High at your busking, I thought you can teach me to rap… too…” the guy explains, once again backpedaling in the middle of his explanation. He lowers his gaze down to his knees as if trying to curl himself into a small bundle of pangolin.

“Then, let’s hear what else you come up with and decide after that,” Chanyeol says, leaning back to the backrest and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“If you’re not approve of it, you don’t have to indulge my request,” the guy says.

“Who or what do you think this busking is for? Just say everything you want to try, if it’s not suitable or too ridiculous, I won’t put it into our busking plan,” Chanyeol says.

“Oh, really?” the guy’s eyes suddenly sparkling. Pure enthusiasm paints all over his face, sucking Chanyeol completely into the other’s mesmerizing eyes.

This guy does that  again.

Anyway, the discussion continues. It feels finally like a real discussion as the guy offers his thoughts this time. It turns out that the guy wants to try many things that are rap, upbeat songs, english songs, and acoustic medley. Among them, he underlines that he must get to try singing The Rose’s and Taeyeon’s song with Chanyeol. He said he wants to try it at least once in his life time.

The set list suddenly getting very long just for a three-days tour. Chanyeol needs to eliminate them as much as possible or they need to release three cover albums from this busking.

While trying to put all the guy’s wishes into the list, Chanyeol’s mind can’t help but to wander. It seems like it’s upsetting Chanyeol more than he expected himself to feel to know the guy is really that nasty to not come at his busking yesterday. It’s good for Chanyeol, of course, to not having the guy at his busking site though the guy just did it because he’s done milking Chanyeol to his own needs.

“I see you finally decided to stop bothering me at my busking anymore,” Chanyeol says in the end.

The guy furrows his eyebrows, complete with a pout on his lips. “What do you mean?” he asks.

“I said what I meant,” Chanyeol just replies.

The guy frowns harder. Seems like he’s thinking too hard right now, his head never lining straight anymore. Even when he utters his next words, his head are still tilting to the side. “That I didn’t watch you yesterday? Why? Shouldn’t you be happy about it?” the guy asks.

“I am,” Chanyeol says curtly. “Take you earning this busking for you to finally stop,” Chanyeol says again, giving the guy his most disgusted side look ever. When he discovers the guy’s shocked face is already replaced by a more deepen frown and disappointed look, Chanyeol immediately drags his gaze away from the guy.

“I was… I try to keep my promises with you. You said I can’t come to your busking anymore if we ever met again outside of it, so I didn’t come,” the guy says, pointing at himself and Chanyeol in turn to emphasize what he’s trying to say. That he and Chanyeol are meeting outside the busking event at the moment, thus breaking the deal. “And I actually have some winter charity events to organize in the orphanage, so I still won’t be able to come anyway yesterday,” the guy explains again.

Oh, how unbelievable Chanyeol feels ashamed of himself at that moment.

Chanyeol is saved by the heavens at how great Yixing’s timing to come inside the apartment. He should treat the latter to a nice meal one day.

Yixing’s arrival quickly changes the mood into more bubbly and easy atmosphere. Leaving the awkward conversation to sink deep into the unknown without any way back to the surface. Later, Yixing helps Chanyeol with the song choices, eliminating and rearranging the order. Make the awkward conversation indeed be forgotten.

And around one hour later, the songs are mostly changed because Yixing suggests them to sing more trendy and newer released songs.

— ♪ —

Autumn soon changes into winter and the rehearsal for the busking begins. Jongdae is going back and forth from teaching the kids at the orphanage and practice the songs at Chanyeol’s and Yixing’s apartment. It’s very much tiring to say the least.

Jongdae would never imagine his day to day routine can get so packed just from adding the rehearsal into the schedule. Jongdae’s morning that usually consists of listening to music and self-writing lyrics or doing grocery shopping now he will have to study the songs for his busking all over again. That, or continue thinking about the syllabus for his students from that he couldn’t do the night before due to more and more self-practice.

On the day Jongdae doesn’t have evening rehearsal with Chanyeol, Jongdae oftentimes would doze it off. He needs it. It’s stressing to not be able to adjust into new routine and even more stressing to not be able to sing the way he should do it.

It takes Jongdae a month to finally feel adjusted to his new schedule. It leaves Jongdae with only tiredness that Jongdae can pretty much endure. Endure as in forcing himself to feel energized to do all his tasks as long as he keeps progressing to the better.

Both situation feels terrible, to be honest. But this new situation is better rather than being desperate to do better but can’t do much about it because he’s too tired to try again. Jongdae knows that it’s always a thing with learning about something new. The frustration that it comes when every try won’t lead any near to the desired result is always tailing along the process. Those kind of times make Jongdae really hates himself.

“Hey…”

“Shush, let him be”

“What? But this…”

“He’s tired, Chanyeol”

Jongdae can hear some vague whispers. It sounds like someone he knows but Jongdae can’t really pinpoint who are they. Their silhouette comes after Jongdae’s eyes but they turn into darker shadows as seconds passed by.

It takes Jongdae into a world Jongdae doesn’t know. One second it’s a forest and the next second Jongdae’s at his parents home in Daejeon. Jongdae can’t meet his parents at all yet, he suddenly has to go out and then Jongdae’s lost in some urban area.

Jongdae tries to ask for help but his voice won’t come out. People around him also only passing by quickly, not minding Jongdae there at all. As if Jongdae’s invisible to them. Jongdae tries to scream this time, but his voice doesn’t come out at all. Nothing comes out of himself and it slowly drives Jongdae crazy.

Then, all of a sudden, Jongdae’s surrounding become bright. Revealing a familiar place, though not so very familiar to him. Jongdae sits up, observing his surrounding with half lidded eyes.

“Oh, you’re awake. If you’re still tired, you can continue to sleep,”

Jongdae’s heart races to hear the statement. The fact that he’s asleep when he shouldn’t be, scared him. He looks for his phone, looking into the digital clock that reads ten in the night. “Loey? Where is Loey?” Jongdae asks, panicked.

Yixing raises an eyebrow, confused. The second later, Yixing answers Jongdae with only a move of his head. Directing to the kitchen where a very tall guy in his oversized white shirt standing after a refrigerator with a glass of water in his hand.

Jongdae’s heart still beats fast that it feels like Jongdae’s world shaking along with it. “I’m sorry, should we continue the rehearsal or it’s already too late for that? I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep like that,” Jongdae apologizes over and over, feeling like a shit himself.

“It’s okay, you only sleep about two hours. But whether you can continue the rehearsal or not, it’s up to Chanyeol,” Yixing assures.

It’s not only two hours, but Jongdae has slept for two hours. It feels like Jongdae isn’t serious with all this busking project. Also, if he didn’t just recklessly sleep like that, their rehearsal could have been over by now and Jongdae could catch the last bus to his shared apartment with Kyungsoo.

Everything feels so wrong at that moment, Jongdae doesn’t like it.

“Why ask me, isn’t the answer obvious? Don’t you have to catch your bus? We could continue it on Thursday,” Chanyeol says after gulping his water down.

“Right. I’m so sorry,” Jongdae says again.

“Stop saying that, you’ve really worked hard. Just go home and rest,” Yixing responds.

Jongdae won’t be sleeping after he gets home. As his usual new routine now, Jongdae has to think about the lesson he’s going to give to his students tomorrow once Jongdae gets home. And since he screwed today’s rehearsal, he would probably be self-practicing after that. He should.

“Okay,” Jongdae replies quietly.

Jongdae reluctantly packs his things after that. Still with a really sorry smile, thanking the host for the lesson today and walking to the elevator. Once outside the building, Jongdae lets himself heave a very long sigh.

Jongdae goes to the bus stop and waits for some minutes for his bus to come. It shouldn’t be long because it’s already ten pm, the time his last bus arrives. When Jongdae looks at the clock in his phone, the number displays three and five beside the one and zero number. Jongdae misses his bus.

Jongdae waits for his bus stubbornly, wishing for it to magically appear but it’s another bus that stops by in front of him. Finally, he unlocks his phone again and goes to the message app. Kyungsoo was probably already asleep and too tired to pick Jongdae up but Jongdae would still give it a shot anyway.

Jongdae sent a simple one message that asked Kyungsoo whether if he’s up. He gets nothing back from the latter just like Jongdae predicted. The day really decided to be against Jongdae at the very end of it today. It seems like Jongdae needs to take a taxi home.

The next following days doesn’t seem to be gentler with Jongdae. He falls sick with fever and hoarse throat. It almost kills Jongdae straightly to not be able to practice the songs again. He’s afraid if he doesn’t practice for long, he would get back to square one of not being able to do anything at all again.

Kyungsoo had assured Jongdae a few days back to just take the break to get rest. Yixing, too, he had said to not worry too much and wished him to get better soon. However, Chanyeol didn’t say anything. It rubs Jongdae in all the wrong places because he’s gonna do the busking with Chanyeol, thus his opinion matters more than Kyungsoo’s or even Yixing’s.

At least, Jongdae has the orphanage winter charity events that he helped out. It keeps Jongdae busy and distracted so he doesn’t engulf himself in guilty all of the time. Though he tends to get worried whenever the thought of rehearsal comes into his mind.

Because Chanyeol hates Jongdae too much.

Jongdae knows the moment Chanyeol snapped about his last busking Jongdae failed to attend that Chanyeol’s hatred was more than Jongdae had imagined it. Chanyeol seems to unable to think nicely about Jongdae. The way that it’s the worst case of Jongdae that came to Chanyeol’s mind even when Chanyeol didn’t know the situation at all upsets Jongdae.

Jongdae wants to make his relationship with Chanyeol be a little bit better than just hate relationship. They doesn’t have to be friends, just not hating on each other is already enough. It would be really awkward if they met again after the busking ends while their relationship stay as it is right now.

But working on Chanyeol is hard. The taller is so persistent at acting cold and thinking ill towards Jongdae. It sure is hurtful to receive that treatment while Jongdae doesn’t even have any mistake towards the other but Jongdae just feels so enough with Chanyeol’s behavior rather than pain right now.

“Teacher Kim, your friends come. They’re at the front door right now,” someone informs Jongdae who’s delivering breads to the kids and the adults attending the seminar that day.

“Friends?” Jongdae asks, frowning his eyebrows. He didn’t remember to invite Kyungsoo to attend the charity. His other friend… well, Baekhyun doesn’t seem like he’s going to be back in town at least until Christmas.

Jongdae’s assumption proved to be completely wrong when he sees Kyungsoo and a whole real human named Baekhyun. A wide big smile immediately appears on his face. His eyebrows raise high on his forehead, forcing his eyes to not disappear completely into crescents.

“Hi, bastard! You’re still alive?” Jongdae greets cheerfully. A hand hanging in the air to receive a high five from the other.

“Unfortunately, yes. I could say the same to you, asshole. Look at you, being a teacher like the ones I used to despise the most in my younger age” Baekhyun says, receiving Jongdae’s hand in a hold and pulling the latter into a hug.

“Ironic, right?” Jongdae laughs.

“At least Jongdae looks cool while doing it,” Kyungsoo butts in.

“That’s true, my bae” Baekhyun comments readily.

Jongdae was about to ask for Baekhyun’s doing when Jongdae sees another two familiar figures come behind Kyungsoo’s and Baekhyun’s back. Jongdae bends his limb to the side to better look at the two tall men. They really do look like Chanyeol and Yixing.

“Why are they here?” Jongdae mumbles to himself. Partly for Kyungsoo to hear too in case Kyungsoo knows the answer. Jongdae doesn’t remember telling those two musicians about his activity in the orphanage at all. Hell, Jongdae never even told them the orphanage location.

“Who? Oh, those two hot boys” Baekhyun just responds nonchalantly.

“You know them?” Jongdae turns to Baekhyun in shocked.

“Well, yeah. I met them at the gate. My bae said those are your friends” Baekhyun says, turning to Kyungsoo for more elaborated explanation.

Kyungsoo only stares at Jongdae for a moment. “I don’t want them to think you’re lazy because you take a little break to heal your throat. So I told them you’re working really hard doing the work here and practicing as much as you can at home. Turned out they want to come as well,” Kyungsoo explains, face deadly serious with loathing.

“So, you guys are not in a good term?” Baekhyun asks curiously. He’s a little bit shocked too, to see Kyungsoo nodding at him.

Since college, Jongdae has never had any enemies. Jongdae tends to be too friendly and too kind to whoever, so it’s still hard for Baekhyun to believe. While Baekhyun is busy wondering, the two tall men approach and greet them. One with a smile, one with simply a nod. That’s how Baekhyun figures out who is not in a good term with Jongdae.

“I can’t always accompany you all. Just do anything, eat the breads, or you also can join us to make potteries. I ensure you it will be fun,” Jongdae says while leading all of them into the building. Showing the large hall with a lot of pottery equipment and kids and adults in it.

“Sure,” Kyungsoo mindlessly affirms.

“You just want more hands so you could sell more goods later, right?” Baekhyun sasses.

Jongdae claps his hands once and chuckles. “Smartass, Baek” Jongdae confirms. “Anyway, since when you came back from Adelaide? Why didn’t you tell me anything? I thought we were friends,” Jongdae pouts.

“We’re friends, dummy” Baekhyun snorts, pinching Jongdae’s cheek afterwards.

It’s a shame that Jongdae needs to go after walking his friends to the stationary, where the orphanage custodians are dealing with new visitors. Jongdae wants to talk a lot to them. Especially to Baekhyun who just came back out of nowhere from his magister study at Australia. In the end, Jongdae needs to leave his friends to some people there while he goes back assisting people to make pottery.

The lunch break is even more hectic than the pottery session. The cafeteria is too full that even the food is ran out faster than predicted. Jongdae needs to go outside with another voluntary teacher to pick more food from the catering outlet.

Jongdae finally gets some time to rest when the event is over in the evening. Jongdae sighs in even more relief when he looks at the small group of people behind one pottery table. Sassing and joking at each other in an easy way.

Jongdae’s really glad to have friends as loyal as Kyungsoo and Baekhyun, and ultimately to maybe add Yixing and Chanyeol into the circle as well. If it’s some other people, they would surely leave Jongdae with his work, but these people stay and wait for Jongdae to finish. He’s truly grateful for that.

What’s really enticing is how the atmosphere between them seems to be really comfortable. It’s not as shocking to see, honestly, because the Byun Baekhyun is there with them. Baekhyun has always been so easygoing and lovable. He’s funny and very witty at giving remark. It’s good to see them have a good time thanks to Baekhyun.

“Get to make some shit pottery done, guys?” Jongdae asks while walking to his friends.

“Kyungsoo got the most decent out of all us” Yixing answers.

“As expected,” Jongdae taps Kyungsoo’s shoulder in acknowledgement. “But I’m sure he made them to take them home. Couple mugs or plates, maybe” Jongdae leans into Kyungsoo and wriggling his eyebrows at him.

“Don’t be silly,” Kyungsoo cuts short. “I did make them thinking about couple mugs but I don’t mind giving it to the orphanage. It’s theirs in the first place, after all” Kyungsoo explains.

Jongdae only chuckles to that. He looks at the wet pottery on the table and actually impressed to see all of them are pretty good. Except for a glass with a weird handle. That one, Jongdae’s sure, is Baekhyun’s going all out on experimenting and trying things.

From all the pottery on the table, Jongdae’s eyes set on a bowl. A wide and spiraling downwards bowl. Jongdae doesn’t get to see how it will be cooled down but it already looks pretty as it is.

“Whose is this?” Jongdae asks, pointing a finger at the bowl.

“Come on, Dae. Are you really serious?” Kyungsoo scoffs. Letting the ‘even in this, your eyes sure set on that one?’ part remains unsaid.

“Why? It’s really pretty” Jongdae says. Looking at the four men in front of him with bewilderment as he observes each of their expressions. Somehow, the way Baekhyun smiles widely at him telling Jongdae that it’s definitely not his. “Is it hyung’s?” Jongdae asks Yixing.

“Nope. It’s Yeol’s” Yixing says with a smile.

Huh?

….Oh..

But wait, what about it? So what if it’s Chanyeol’s?

Leaving the questions behind, Jongdae offers to take the five of them for a nice dinner. His treat, for making his friends stuck in the most boring event ever for the whole afternoon. Jongdae might be somewhat broke but he will never be petty over money. That’s why Jongdae brings all of them to the nicest old restaurant with the oldest-year-old inherited homemade food recipes near the orphanage.

“You definitely have changed a lot, Dae” Baekhyun says from the passenger seat. Neck twisting to the side to look at Jongdae in the back seat.

“Is that a good thing or should I be worried?” Jongdae asks in advance of what should he respond to the remark.

“Somehow both, I guess” Baekhyun says, looking straight back at the road. “You don’t act as freely as before now. You’re becoming an adult,” Baekhyun elaborates.

“Jongdae is already like that even back in our bachelor days. He’s just becoming even more so thanks to one edgy dude, I think” Kyungsoo butts in, not even once looking away from the road up front.

“You’re becoming an adult, too, Hyun. You may act silly but it’s merely for lighting up the mood and nothing else. The troublemaker rascal we know has long gone,” Kyungsoo adds up. “We’re already 25 anyway, we need to become an adult,” Kyungsoo ends his sentences with a factual remark.

Baekhyun snorts. “That’s precisely why I’m wondering. We’re only 25, Bae. We don’t deserve to get too stressed over life,” Baekhyun protests.

Jongdae only chuckles to the bickering. “Are we talking about philosophy now? Because if so, I can say that it’s just the right time to get too stressed with life. We’re in a changing phase, being stressed before we can find a suitable settlement for our next age stage sounds normal to me,” Jongdae says.

“Seems like we meet our seminar guru,” Baekhyun comments which Kyungsoo gives an offensive ‘right’ under his breath. “Anyway, what’s this about you and the hot tall guy?” Baekhyun asks again.

Jongdae unconsciously sighs just from the mention of Chanyeol. “He’s an anonymous regular busker in Hongdae. I was… I accidentally discovered him and he doesn’t forgive me for that. Doesn’t have any better term since,” Jongdae explains.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Baekhyun asks, confused. He looks over to Jongdae for a moment then looks at Kyungsoo as if asking for more explanation from Kyungsoo. “I know you guys are awkward but I don’t think he hates you, Dae. He oftentimes glanced your way when we made the pottery earlier. Seems rather like he wants to say something to you but too hesitant to do it,” Baekhyun continues.

“If he really hates you for figuring out his face, why would he come to meet you?” Baekhyun asks again, making a point.

“Well, about the staring part, I can confirm it’s true,” Kyungsoo says, looking at the rear view to look at Jongdae’s reaction.

Jongdae scratches his nape confusedly. He never thinks the situation like that since he’s so used to receive Chanyeol’s hate that he automatically interprets Chanyeol’s everything towards him is hatred. That for sure lights a bulb inside Jongdae’s head.

“Well… I somehow have to do busking with him? It’s hard to explain, it just happened. Anyway, I think that’s how he grew accustomed to me seeing him?” Jongdae rebuts.

Jongdae doesn’t really want to plant Baekhyun’s opinion inside his head in case it’s not true. Baekhyun is only just now seeing Chanyeol, his opinion can be wrong. Though it doesn’t mean Jongdae would just push the thought away. It still lingers in his mind.

“I don’t know, Man. You deal with your things, I don’t want to meddle with it at all. However, the part that I said he wanted to talk to you still stands. Talk to him, Dae,” Baekhyun says.

“Let’s see about that,” Jongdae only shrugs.

They arrive at the old restaurant Jongdae is treating them to. Kyungsoo’s car turns into the parking lot with another black car following after them. They’re lining the cars side by side with other cars in the parking lot and eventually getting out of it once the engines are turned off.

Once the five of them are together, the air soon becomes stiff and too formal. It’s too clear that they’re all not close at all. Even for someone who has been together with Yixing and Chanyeol, Jongdae can’t be the bridge to make the two little groups of friends to join forces. Though Jongdae’s aware it’s probably because of his issue with Chanyeol that he can’t be that bridge. Because he’s being too careful with his acts.

Once again, it’s thanks to Baekhyun that everyone is having a joyous easy conversation. Otherwise, they would probably remain silent until the end of the day. Maybe Baekhyun’s abrupt visit to Seoul is a very very good coincidence for Jongdae. He’s really doing all the work today.

When they all have sit down and ordered food, Jongdae finally gets to know about the ‘stare’ Baekhyun was talking about. Chanyeol is indeed looking at Jongdae sometimes. Other than that, he mostly only looking at Baekhyun, though, so Jongdae doesn’t know if Baekhyun’s words were true at all. After all, Chanyeol looking at him can be just because Jongdae looks at the former first.

There Jongdae goes, second-guessing Chanyeol again.

It’s hard to not second-guessing if it’s about Chanyeol. Chanyeol has been all but hard to read, Jongdae doesn’t know how the man’s mind works at all. Even though Jongdae wants to avoid offending the latter, it’s hard to do since Jongdae knows nothing about what Chanyeol doesn’t like him to do.

“What are you looking at?” Chanyeol says flatly, looking at Jongdae with a glass of water in front of his mouth.

Everyone’s attention is dragged towards Jongdae in an instant. “Uh, nothing? I tend to daydream whenever I’m tired, sorry” Jongdae says.

“Well, at least point it at somewhere else. Don’t glare at me like that,” Chanyeol says again. He then gulps his drink casually before putting it back onto the table.

“Oh God, that was horrible. Even the awkward Kyungsoo in his sophomore days can do better than that,” Baekhyun nonchalantly mocks Jongdae. Annoyingly munching on chips he had bought when they’re still waiting for Jongdae at the orphanage.

“What? That Kyungsoo barely even cares!! He ignored me at all! I’m the only one talking to him at that time!” Jongdae protests in a heartbeat, pouting hard at Baekhyun’s insult.

“Exactly the point. That’s what make it not awkward,” Baekhyun counter attacks.

“How can it make the situation not awkward? I really want to be close to him that time. Should I ignore everyone, then?” Jongdae whines more, challenging Baekhyun to break his argument.

“Why not? Probably Chanyeol won’t mind the time without you. Right, Chanyeolie?”

Baekhyun shots Jongdae right in the heart. Making Jongdae gasps loudly with a pair of wide eyes. Jongdae can’t rebut at that, knowing perfectly well that Chanyeol would really like that. Even so, Jongdae hopes Chanyeol won’t answer or his pride would be so torn.

“Maybe,” Chanyeol answers. “I prefer him to not ignore me, though. No one likes to be ignored” Chanyeol continues.

At Chanyeol’s statement, not only Jongdae who looks at Chanyeol as if he has grown tentacles but also Kyungsoo and Yixing as well. While Jongdae doesn’t get what Chanyeol wants, Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol with shock and disbelief. In the other hand, Yixing looks like he’s also a little bit hopeful.

The sudden weird atmosphere makes Baekhyun crackle in amusement.

— ♪ —

A merry, slightly upbeat, melody comes so raspy from Jongdae’s phone. He’s playing another self-recorded song so loudly today. It’s from his rehearsal session this time so the music is louder than the busking ones, but still cracked nonetheless.

Jongdae should really stop recording his rehearsal with Chanyeol secretly. Not only that it’s creepy, listening to a very crappy quality audio will hurt his ears sooner or later. Even though he himself knowing it very well, Jongdae will probably not stop unless Chanyeol told him to. Which Jongdae takes a great effort to keep the recordings a secret so Chanyeol wouldn’t tell him to stop either.

Jongdae will never get enough of Chanyeol’s singing even through shitty audio recordings.

[Chanyeol]

In a cold winter, with an anxious heart

I held my hand firmly together on the day of the qualification results

“It’s the end of hardship”, “it’s happiness”, “it’s my world now,”

I thought back then

The world really (Jongdae: the world really)

Upon hearing himself doing the second vocal, Jongdae finds himself grimacing. “Why did I sing it like that?” Jongdae mumbles to himself, taking a glass of water with him to the dining table where his phone is laying on top of it.

[Chanyeol]

Is not that simple

Living was like war everyday

[Jongdae]

The bitter memories of my immature but passionate first love

Is now just an accompaniment for a drink

It was like the world was falling apart, everything is over

I thought back then

“Really, why I sang it like that? I’m going to die” Jongdae whines, hiding his face on top of his crossed arm on the table.

[Chanyeol]

Words of the past (Jongdae: words of the past)

Were not wrong

You’ll forget all about it after the time passes

Jongdae manages to peek with only his eyes out upon hearing Chanyeol’s voice appears again. Grimacing a little bit when he hears himself doing the back vocal again. Jongdae lets himself daydreaming with Chanyeol’s voice in the background of his quiet shared apartment. Mostly thinking about his life choices and how can his life turns to be the way it is right now.

[Chanyeol]

In the world (Jongdae: in the world)

There’s no correct answer

Living was like practice everyday

Back then, what Jongdae’s life is like? Jongdae remembers only studying. Aside from that, what did he do with his time? This song by Carnival titled At That Time really makes him thinking. Oftentimes.

[Jongdae]

The night before going to the army I tossed around and couldn’t sleep

Sharing a drink, I thought that “now I’m all grown up, it’s a new beginning,”

It was like that back then

[Chanyeol]

In a cold winter, with an anxious heart

I held my hand firmly together on the day of the qualification results

“It’s the end of hardship”, “it’s happiness”, “it’s my world now,”

I thought back then

The song is interrupted for a moment with a short joyous voice articulated as ‘ka-talk’. Jongdae plans to ignore whoever trying to get a grip on him when the next ‘ka-talk’ sound comes again. And again.

Jongdae was about to curse when he looks at the sender name and it’s read as Chan Loey. As if in a job interview, Jongdae immediately straightens up his spine and unlocks his phone to read the text Chanyeol sent him.

Chan Loey

Hey, do you have some time today?

If you’re free, come with me to buy a box for you

I’m gonna bring Xing’s car, so just send me your location. I’ll go there

Jongdae stands up reading the text. Making his knee hits the table accidentally. He groans in pain but his face stays bright.

Jongdae was ready to sprint to his room when he remembers the glass on the table. So Jongdae should hold himself patiently to wash the glass first before really running into his room. No matter how in a hurry he is, making Kyungsoo upset over a dish or untidiness isn’t an option at all.

‘ka-talk’

Chan Loey

You’re reading. At least let me know if you’re busy

Jongdae is stumbling once again. Now typing too fast on his keyboard to reply to Chanyeol.

Jongdae

No nonnoo!q I’m noy busy roght noe

Chan Loey

Looks like busy to me

Anyway, then, send me your location

Jongdae immediately sends Chanyeol his location. Not minding about his phone anymore after that. He quickly opens his wardrobe to contemplate on what should he wears to go out that day.

Jongdae’s a type of person who struggles with his clothes everyday unless he has to wear certain clothes settled for him like a uniform or sort. He’s also a type of person who likes to subtly impress his crush with something as simple as outfit look. Even though this struggle and effort of him will go unnoticed by other people, Jongdae just always does.

After a good ten minutes staring at his wardrobe, Jongdae finally lays his finger on a thick yellow hoodie. He didn’t pick the clothes out yet, contemplating on his choice again. The hoodie is his favourite to wear in cold days but he doesn’t feel like wearing it right now. Though in the end, he still takes the hoodie out of the closet any way.

By the time Jongdae is out of his apartment building, he looks like an egg. Wrapped in a yellow hoodie and a white thigh-long jacket over it. At least Jongdae’s comfortable and warm wearing it.

“You really took your time,” a voice almost makes Jongdae jumps back inside his apartment building. Hiding like a scaredy kitten he is.

Jongdae whips his head right and left, just to find Chanyeol with his usual but regal all-black glory leaning on the black car. His height makes him towering over an already big car that its top reaching Jongdae’s chin. Chanyeol looks really cool doing it, though.

“I forgot I need to teach the kids at two, so I was hurriedly packing my things just in case” Jongdae says.

“That’s okay. We won’t be long, just buying a box. Hop in,” Chanyeol says curtly as always. Pointing at the car with his head to gesture Jongdae to get in.

“It’s still nine anyway, we’re safe,” Jongdae says, running a little to the passenger side and hopping into the car.

After both of them set their seat belt and Chanyeol is driving the car to the highway, Jongdae hums the tune of the song he heard in the apartment. Practicing his part a little bit while staring into the passing streetlamps. Jongdae looks over to Chanyeol through the rear view sometimes, pondering whether he should talk or not.

Jongdae decides to give it a shot anyway. Thinking that it would be better to regret of doing it rather that dwelling on himself because he never did it.

“I thought you can’t drive since you always take the bus,” Jongdae randomly says.

“I literally moved your friend’s car in the car repair shop the other day, you don’t remember?” Chanyeol scoffs.

“I…” Jongdae trails. He never consider that fact in his head at all so he’s quite taken aback. “I didn’t think much about it since it’s just moving a car and not a drive,” Jongdae says truthfully. “If you can drive, why don’t you get yourself a car?” Jongdae asks again.

“With the way you parked the car at that time, you should probably know that parking is the most difficult to do,” Chanyeol points out, completely shaming Jongdae out of Jongdae’s skin. He looks over to Jongdae for a split second before focusing his eyes back on the road, saying, “I don’t travel much aside from work and home so I almost don’t need a car at all. I like taking public transportation anyway.”

“Ah…” Jongdae only responds in acknowledgement. He then giggles to himself while setting his eyes outside the window. Scratching his nape in an embarrassment. “I’m attending a driving school and setting myself a tight schedule so I can drive by the time we’re gonna do busking. Because, you know, it’s probably tiring to ride the train from place to place. But I guess we can rent a car just fine then, since we have you,” Jongdae mumbles shyly.

A snicker makes Jongdae regret his words two times harder. Realizing how dumb he must sound to Chanyeol. But when he turns around at Chanyeol with his mouth ready with a bunch of defensive protests, Jongdae swallows his breath instead. Words die on his tongue like his heart rate.

Chanyeol isn’t mocking Jongdae, he’s smiling. A bright amused smile that makes his dimple poking so deeply into his cheek. Chanyeol looks so carefree and lively at the moment. He’s so gorgeous.

Jongdae almost forgets how gorgeous Chanyeol is, giving only dealing with how curt and hateful Chanyeol is towards him. And yet, here is the reminder of it. Jongdae never knows a smile from someone can be that beautiful. It makes Jongdae unconsciously also smiling, wide enough to make his lip curls turning upward.

Jongdae never sees Chanyeol smiling that wide before. Or even smiling, in that matter. Chanyeol almost always holds no expression on his face and when he smiles, he only gives a small smile to stay polite with elders. It makes Jongdae wonders if he ever gets to witness such a sunny smile again from Chanyeol.

“You’re really such an idiot. Even though I can’t drive, we still could ask Xing or just hire a driver all at once,” Chanyeol comments. No mocking in his voice, just a pure amusement. And Jongdae’s happy to hear that.

It takes Chanyeol and Jongdae approximately thirty minutes to arrive at a recycling station. A small hut in one side with a yard full of broken electronics, empty bottles, books, newspaper, and flatted boxes. Everything is arranged pile by pile according to its kind very tidily so it’s not too hard to look for anything.

Chanyeol immediately goes to the hut, knocking the door softly and announcing his arrival. The door finally opens to a man in his forty whose face isn’t up for anything but business. The man looks seriously scary but Chanyeol is just as scary so Jongdae leaves the deal to Chanyeol’s hand.

“Hi, Mister. We want to take a look if you have a box around this guy’s height,” Chanyeol says casually.

Or probably not.

That sounds so wrong in Jongdae’s ears. And by the man’s expression, it seems like he’s just as scandalized and wary as Jongdae is. Jongdae wants to explain to the man that he’s not a mafia who sells humans fos fun, nor will he be sold off overseas by Chanyeol either. But he doesn’t know how to put that into words while he still needs the box to indeed hide a Jongdae inside it.

The man looks at Jongdae and Chanyeol in turn for a moment. “Sure, we can go to check. Why would you need a box that big, though? You’re not gonna put a mutilated person in it, right?” the man asks, looking at Jongdae in suspicion as if Chanyeol with his all-black attire isn’t just as suspicious.

“No, Mister. For a mutilated person, don’t you think we would need a smaller box instead?” Chanyeol argues with a logic Jongdae doesn’t want to imagine whether it makes sense or not. “We’re just gonna make mascots with the box to catch people’s attention, that’s why we need it to be in this guy’s height” Chanyeol continues, surprisingly didn’t sound like a criminal this time.

“Right. So, what is this guy’s height?” the man dismisses Chanyeol’s explanation easily. Giving a sarcasm that probably indicates he still remains unconvinced.

Chanyeol turns to Jongdae at the question. Leaving to Jongdae to answer.

“173 cm,” Jongdae answers quietly.

“Then, let me see,” the man excuses himself to look for the box Chanyeol and Jongdae want.

The man leaves Jongdae and Chanyeol alone to the quietness. The situation suddenly becomes awkward for the reason Jongdae himself doesn’t know. When he turns to Chanyeol, Jongdae finds the taller man is already looking at him though Chanyeol immediately darts his eyes away from him.

“He oftentimes glanced your way when we made the pottery earlier. Seems rather like he wants to say something to you but too hesitant to do it,” Baekhyun’s voice comes into Jongdae’s mind unhelpfully.

“Talk to him, Dae,”

Jongdae actually needs to talk to Chanyeol himself. He wants to sort out ways to not make Chanyeol hates him. It’s the discussion Jongdae isn’t really ready to bring up, not wanting to hear the same hurtful words Chanyeol uttered months ago. That’s why Jongdae only drags time with him, not really taking actions.

But that’s exactly the main thing Jongdae wants to sort out. He needs to stop projecting Chanyeol with hatred. Chanyeol may be emotionless and only talking the necessary, but Chanyeol’s not a hateful person. Jongdae can see it.

It’s in the simplest way Chanyeol behaves that Jongdae often failed to notice, but it’s there. Like the way Chanyeol now actually talks to Jongdae, almost never snapped though his words are mainly just sarcasm. Or the fact that Chanyeol now listens to Jongdae, a thing Chanyeol never did before if Jongdae’s allowed to be frank.

As much as Jongdae doesn’t want to let his hope high, he also doesn’t want to always make bad presumptions about Chanyeol. Because maybe, people constantly doing this to Chanyeol is the reason Chanyeol’s always so cautious towards people. Jongdae doesn’t want to really be like the ones Chanyeol hates.

Jongdae contemplates for a moment. A moment too long that the man comes back with a tall box pressed on his side. Jongdae will keep the thought for now. He’s ready to receive the box that’s gonna be his from the man.

“We have this 177 cm tall box, it’s totally okay with you, right?” the man asks.

“Yes, of course. How do you like it? Jongdae?” Chanyeol asks Jongdae, snapping Jongdae out of his euphoria.

Jongdae almost didn’t catch his own name rolling out of Chanyeol’s mouth. Hesitant and broken. Chanyeol calls Jongdae by his name now. The sound of his name from the taller man makes Jongdae blush in fluster.

“Yeah… I like it,” Jongdae says, making himself blush even more with his own words. He kicks himself internally for that. “You know, since yours is doodled, can mine be painted too?” Jongdae asks, changing the topic as quickly as his own heartbeat.

“Do whatever you want with it as long as it has nothing to do with fire or trash bin” Chanyeol simply says.

When Chanyeol takes his wallet from his jeans, Jongdae finally realizes that he should be the one to pay. The box is his anyway. He wants to stop Chanyeol but the cash already in his palm and the man already moves to receive the money. It would be rude to make a scene out of it so Jongdae thinks of another way.

“Do you have plan after this?” Jongdae asks.

Chanyeol looks doubtful for a moment. “Why?” he asks, still as cautious as ever.

“If you’re hungry and have some time, I would like to treat you to lunch. For that money,” Jongdae says, gesturing at the back of the man with his chin.

“That’s no need,” Chanyeol dismisses. He immediately walks toward the car, stuffing the box on top of the car by himself. Even when Jongdae’s trying to help, he refuses.

It’s not until Chanyeol and Jongdae are settled back in the car that Chanyeol starts to talk again. “It’s already ten thirty, I’ll drive you to the orphanage. If you need to eat, we can eat somewhere near there so you won’t be in a hurry,” he says.

Jongdae only stares at Chanyeol at his sudden statement. Not entirely expecting the speech or even anything out of Chanyeol’s mouth. There’s definitely something with Chanyeol today.

“Did something happen today?” Jongdae asks half unsure and half curious.

“Aside from buying your box? Nothing,” Chanyeol answers simply.

Simply weird if Jongdae may say. Jongdae can’t help but frown at Chanyeol’s answer. “Loey-ssi, were you really trying to be nice to me just now?” Jongdae finally dares himself to ask the question.

“Why? Is that a problem?” Chanyeol asks. His tone sounds more like anxious rather than sarcasm, though only slightly. If it’s not for Jongdae already is too sensitive about Chanyeol, he would never catch that either.

“No. I’m absolutely happy if you think I’m worth your kindness by now,” Jongdae smiles. “Do you… do you want to learn to be nice, then?” Jongdae’s voice trails off in the end. Too afraid if he’s going overboard, if he’s being too ungrateful of what Chanyeol already wants to give him.

Jongdae turns to Chanyeol to be attentive, hope glints in his eyes. Though when Chanyeol glances his way and their eyes meet, Jongdae immediately tears his gaze down. When Chanyeol doesn’t look at him anymore, that’s when Jongdae darts his eyes back to Chanyeol’s side profile.

“Why does that idea even come in your brain?” Chanyeol asks Jongdae cautiously, confusion can be seen clearly on his face.

“I just feel like you don’t know much how to express your feelings well. You snapped when you feel flustered and cornered by saying these hurtful things you probably don’t quite mean it. You also tend to jump to conclusion, deciding things on your own because probably that’s the easiest for you,” Jongdae says, praying for himself internally. Because he had just attacked Chanyeol the rawest.

Jongdae can see how Chanyeol’s body tenses up and his eyes narrows, clearly offended. Jongdae gulps hard, feeling himself shrinking under the intense glare. Mind starts to wonder why he said all that in the first place.

In the end, Jongdae holds his breath to boost his confidence. He already placed the bet on the table, he needs to go on with what he has in mind. “To be nice to other people, you need to consider what they want, Loey-ssi. Because you’re doing what you want to do for other people, it has to be comfortable for that other people,” Jongdae explains as best as he can.

As Chanyeol just stays quiet, Jongdae continues, “If you have different options you want to opt, explain to them why you think it’s better in the way they would get. Because you want other people to understand you, Loey-ssi. Explain, don’t give up until they understand you completely,” he says.

Chanyeol snickers. His eyes never leaving the road, sometimes even wander to the window beside him. Avoiding Jongdae’s attention at all.

“Aren’t you really a teacher, now?” Chanyeol finally comments, voice cracks a little. When Jongdae tilts his head to observe Chanyeol better, he sees a tear falls down Chanyeol’s cheek.

“I always look up to what others want from me. All the time. But it doesn’t work, no one would see if I’m really working hard anyway,” Chanyeol snaps, finally letting himself be a crying mess. “And If I’m really going to explain myself, were you really going to listen? Aren’t you just gonna shut me up at once? What I want never matters anyway,” Chanyeol continues on.

Jongdae tuts his eyebrows in concern. Partly for Chanyeol’s outburst and partly because Chanyeol is actually still driving. Jongdae hesitantly puts his hand on the other’s arm, stroking it lightly to calm Chanyeol down.

“I won’t” Jongdae says. “I promise I will listen to you, to all you have to say. I won’t cut you off,” Jongdae says again. Watching Chanyeol wipes his tears, trying to subside his sob by taking deep breaths, makes Jongdae’s heart twists further. “You don’t have to hold everything in. Let’s stop somewhere and I will listen to you all you want,” Jongdae reassures.

Chanyeol gives Jongdae a side look with his red eyes. “You’re really the worst. You make every unpleasant thing I try hard to bury deep down, bubbles up again. I really hate you for this,” Chanyeol says, dead serious on his face even with tears falling down his cheek.

Jongdae keeps patting Chanyeol’s arm, smiling softly at the latter. “It’s good, then. I’m glad you get to let your difficulties go rather than having them weighing you down deep inside,” Jongdae says.

“You’re really the worst,” Chanyeol swears.

“I got you, Loey-ssi” Jongdae says, smiling reassuringly.

“Chanyeol,” Chanyeol says. Jongdae just hums in confusion so Chanyeol elaborates, “You can call me Chanyeol,” Chanyeol says again.

“Oh… okay, then. Chanyeol-ssi,” Jongdae smiles.

“No honorifics. We’re the same age, just call me Chanyeol” Chanyeol says again.

Jongdae smiles wider. It seems like Chanyeol immediately uses what Jongdae had said into practice. Explain, and not giving up until the other person understands completely. It makes Jongdae really happy.

“Channie, then. It’s okay with you, right?” Jongdae asks. Lips smiling in a teasing way. He meant it as a joke but Chanyeol just quietly nods. Jongdae doesn’t know why but he’s blushing at Chanyeol’s nod.

Chanyeol grabs Jongdae’s hand on his arm, letting it fall on his head instead. He immediately relaxes when Jongdae moves to stroke his hair. Sighing with halted breath as he continues to drive. Not stopping the car at all until they reach the orphanage because Chanyeol is stubborn like that.

After driving Jongdae to the orphanage, Chanyeol surprisingly doesn’t immediately leave. He actually said he wants to see the class from the outside, if he’s allowed. And of course Chanyeol will be allowed, Jongdae is in the charge of the class and Chanyeol was asking, of course Chanyeol will be allowed to do whatever he wants.

The class won’t happen until an hour so Jongdae walks Chanyeol around the orphanage like it’s his own territory. Like he’s a school representative in a romance manga and Chanyeol was just transferred into the school. It sounds ridiculous even to Jongdae himself, but he imagines it inside his head.

“There’s a store that sells steamed buns in winter near here, you want some? What team are you on: meat, kimchi, or red bean?” Jongdae asks randomly.

“I used to like the meat one back then but now I prefer to have kimchi if I have to. I need to stay low on calorie” Chanyeol says.

“Oh, really? Why? Just because you already gain this much height you can’t just force yourself to stop growing by doing that, you know? You still need to grow, perhaps” Jongdae comments.

Chanyeol snorts. “You look like the one needs the growing more than me, though,” Chanyeol says, looking down at Jongdae to prove a point. “It’s not that. I’m on a diet to keep these muscles. It’s hard to earn this, I don’t want to lose it quickly just because of some reckless snack session,” Chanyeol says again.

“Oh,” Jongdae mouths. Staring a little bit not secretly at Chanyeol’s body as if he can see what’s beneath the thick fabric.

Chanyeol clears his throat. “What about you? What filling do you like the most?” Chanyeol asks to gain Jongdae’s attention back.

“Oh,” Jongdae mouths again, finally tearing his eyes from Chanyeol’s body and staring at Chanyeol’s face. “If we talk about steamed buns, of course it would be red bean. I always have it filled with red bean since I’m young, I like the original taste of everything” Jongdae answers easily.

“How can you know it’s originally red bean, what if it’s actually kimchi?” Chanyeol amuses.

Jongdae opens his mouth in shock, his eyebrows twitch in silent protest. “Don’t make me think about it,” Jongdae whines. “So, do you want to have some? I bought them last year and they made it really tasty. It’s almost the same like the ones they used to sell in front of an elementary school,” Jongdae says, looking at Chanyeol again.

“I don’t mind to give it a try. But since when did you start to teach here, then?” Chanyeol asks.

From the look on Chanyeol’s face, he seems to genuinely want to know. It summons Jongdae’s smile instantly. “Just one and a half year by now. Why? You want to apply here, too?” Jongdae asks. “Oh, the steamed buns store is in this way, by the way,” Jongdae points the way with the whip of his head and Chanyeol follows immediately.

“No, thank you. I’m not good at teaching and absolutely not good with kids either. I like my current job, fixing something is fun” Chanyeol says.

“Yeah, I heard from Yixing hyung you made the studio wall inside the apartment. That was really amazing to know,” Jongdae confirms easily. “I thought you would want to apply since you suddenly want to visit here,” Jongdae says.

“No. As I said, I just want to see you teach and how your job works,” Chanyeol says.

It’s so sudden that it makes Jongdae fluster. He can’t help but scratch his cheek bashfully and walks slightly faster to hide his probably blushed face. It maybe doesn’t mean anything to Chanyeol, Jongdae doesn’t know what it means either, but it makes Jongdae giddy. Way too giddy. Jongdae’s just happy.

Jongdae walks Chanyeol to the store and they each buy one steamed bun. Red bean paste filled for Jongdae and kimchi filled for Chanyeol. Jongdae insists to pay for an exchange with the box earlier. The price may not be balanced, but both of them are settled with that.

By the time Jongdae eats half of his bread, Jongdae realizes that he and Chanyeol have been in a very easy and comfortable atmosphere all along. Albeit having uncomfortable conversation in the car, they still get to talk about somethings else so easily as if Chanyeol never cried at all before. They even gets to share small facts about themselves, it feels like they’re stepping up to the better and it feels really nice.

As promised, Chanyeol gets to see Jongdae teach the kids afterwards. It feels so awkward for Jongdae to be watched attentively like that. Probably because of their sudden dynamic change earlier. Or probably because it feels like an evaluator is watching him and Jongdae needs to do an excellent job today.

“Teacher Kim, is he going to join us? People mostly watching like that before they enroll to become our teacher. You were like that, too, back then” a boy, Minho, asks.

“Thank you for remembering me back then. But sadly, no. He’s just gonna take a look at our class today,” Jongdae answers, continuing to write formula to make a clause sentence in the glass board. Tiptoeing to reach the top because he’s a little bit shorter than the board expected him to be.

“Why? Is he from the government? Why is he here? He was also here on Sunday and observing the pottery event,” Kibum asks, perplexed.

“You really have a good memory, Bum. No, he’s just a friend of mine who’s a little bit curious about teaching. Can we continue our lesson about clauses?” Jongdae asks.

“Of course I remember him. He’s like a pine tree with how tall he is,” Kibum says again, declining to answer or oblige to Jongdae’s question to continue the class.

Jongdae just giggles. “He’s really tall, right?” he comments, going with his student’s conversation.

“I want to be as tall as him someday,” Minho says.

“No. You’re already so annoying right now. Don’t get even more annoying by being a giant with elf ears like that uncle!” Kibum immediately objects.

Jongdae just giggles harder. When he looks at Chanyeol, Jongdae receives a gesture from Chanyeol that Chanyeol will leave. Jongdae gestures back, asking if he should take Chanyeol’s goodbye in person, and Chanyeol shakes his head.

“Everyone, my friend will leave. Say goodbye to him,” Jongdae delivers Chanyeol’s leave to the class anyway.

“Already? Your fault, Kibum!”

“Goodbye, Teacher’s friend!”

“Let’s play together next time you visit!”

“Please be friends with me, too!”

Chanyeol looks overwhelmed for a moment. Eyes searching for Jongdae’s to ask for help. But Jongdae just waves his hand with a big smile on his face towards Chanyeol. Chanyeol mirrors Jongdae’s smile in a very awkward way, waving his hand hesitantly, too. “Goodbye,” Chanyeol just says, then walking backward to leave.

“He’s cute,” Minho says.

“He’s handsome,” Kibum corrects. “Though looks so dumb,” he continues.

Jongdae’s smile remains. Slightly flattered, but still happily hangs on his face. “We can finally continue our lesson now, right?” Jongdae asks again. Quietly continuing the class with an explanation about how a clause sentence works. Pointing to the formula he wrote on the board and proceeds to write the example sentences from each clauses formula.

— ♪ —

If Chanyeol thinks the guy is weird before, now Chanyeol thinks he’s annoying. The guy named Kim Jongdae, whose name Chanyeol tries to remember and mention now. That’s what Chanyeol had come up with for the past two weeks but strangely, the thought won’t go away from Chanyeol’s head. At random times, unprovoked, Chanyeol would wonder aloud in his head that Jongdae is really annoying.

Now that Chanyeol puts a lot of time than before to observe the guy, Chanyeol notes down a lot more details of Jongdae that Chanyeol himself doesn’t quite want to know. Like how the guy is always smiling whenever he talks or frowning with a play of his lips whenever he gets serious.

Probably because of the busking thing, Chanyeol gets to see serious Jongdae a lot more than anything. It notes another point in Chanyeol list, that the guy is really a working hard person. He gives everything his utmost best, with no doubt.

It annoys Chanyeol so much how Jongdae is the complete opposite of Chanyeol. Jongdae seems like he’s the embodiment of positivity himself. He doesn’t hold grudge, doesn’t hate anyone, and doesn’t treat anyone bad either.

Chanyeol wants to dig Jongdae’s dirt, because someone couldn’t be that perfect. Jongdae’s not an angle nor a god himself so he should have some weakness. The more Chanyeol puts an effort to investigate, the more Chanyeol gets annoyed. His note of Jongdae’s detail just gets longer with a positive note.

[Chanyeol]

Don’t tease me

When have you ever seen me like this?

[Jongdae]

Don’t try and stop me

I think I’ve really fallen in love

[Chanyeol]

I guess that she always drinks an americano

What if I’m not really her type

Nonetheless because of this girl

Every night (Jongdae: I.Can’t.Sleep)

[Chanyeol and Jongdae]

Is this seat taken?

Do you come here often?

The moment our eyes meet, I lost my nerve

I can’t be like that

I could never say those words

I must talk cool and confidently

Do you think I’m stupid?

[Chanyeol]

The empty seat next to her

If I could just sit there

Here, Jongdae sits straight in his seat. A deep breath ready in his lungs. Chanyeol can practically hear Jongdae heaves in since they’re sitting back to back.

Chanyeol keeps plucking his guitar, smiling at Jongdae’s silliness. He can already imagine Jongdae will sing everything in one breath. Because Jongdae still doesn’t know how breathing works in between a rap.

[Jongdae]

I don’t usually do this kind of thing

I couldn’t help but notice the place you’re in

The look on your face says it all

You’ve been through a lot

All the big and small

It’s really a wonder how Jongdae can manage that much lines in one breath. His lungs is indeed incredible for that.

Chanyeol stops his guitar. Already sensing that Jongdae won’t be able to sing the next part since he needs to calm his overworked lungs down. Jongdae does take a few deep breaths after that.

“I forget the lyrics again,” Jongdae whines. He slumps forward, folding himself with his thighs, hands swaying lazily beside his own feet.

“Why are you memorizing the lyrics in the first place, you can just read the print out,” Chanyeol retorts.

“I need to. If I remember the lyrics, it means I already memorize the melody” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow. He twists his body backward to say something but words instantly die in his throat upon seeing a tiny fist in the air. Determination flares out from the tiny figure owning the tiny clenched palm.

“You’re really choosing an english rap for me to sing,” Jongdae whines again, beating Chanyeol to start the talking.

“If you’re gonna rap in korean, you should run your mouth at least three kilometers an hour. You want that?” Chanyeol challenges back, words he wants to say earlier already forgotten.

“I’m sure there’s slow korean rap in this world,” Jongdae grumbles.

“Good luck in searching for that,” Chanyeol says. “Is It Empty Seat Beside You? by Soran is probably the easiest for you. It doesn’t have long lines and the tempo isn’t even that fast,” Chanyeol says again, frowning.

“Probably. But it’s also in english, it makes it a lot harder to sing than it seems,” Jongdae whines again.

“You asked to sing something in english in our first meeting,” Chanyeol argues.

“I asked for an english song, not an english rap. That’s different,” Jongdae argues back, his body finally twisting backward to meet Chanyeol’s eyes with a pout.

“But you will get to sing Shape of You later, anyway,” Chanyeol says.

“True,” Jongdae affirms right away. Voice loud and still protesting as if he’s still arguing with Chanyeol’s words. He then huffs a long sigh, turning his body to look ahead again.

Chanyeol straightens his spine, too. Making them sit back to back again. “You need to ride the rhythm. Just like singing, rap also has its own rhyme. You sound weird if you just rush the whole thing in one go like that,” Chanyeol says.

“I still don’t know where I can breathe and where I should go on. One phrase doesn’t work in rapping like it works in singing. It goes on and on like a bullet train,” Jongdae says truthfully.

“It works like singing just fine. You know those freestyle songs that mostly have poetic or conversational lyrics, right? You’re singing rap just like that, just in a lot faster tempo,” Chanyeol explains. “You just need to note where you should stop, and if you think you run out of breath at that, then breathe” Chanyeol continues to explain.

“I’m trying,” Jongdae mumbles.

Chanyeol turns his body backwards again, tapping Jongdae’s shoulder. It makes Jongdae jolts out in surprise, but Jongdae turns around in the end. “Let’s do it slowly first,” Chanyeol says.

“Okay,” Jongdae just breathes out.

“Remember, pay attention to where you should stop,” Chanyeol gives a reminder which Jongdae nods and mutter an ‘okay’ again.

“I don’t usually do this kind of thing. I couldn’t help but no~tice the place you’re in,” Chanyeol and Jongdae sing the phrase together. Chanyeol bops his head to the tempo, swaying his forefinger at the word ‘notice’ since it has a dragging melody, which Jongdae fails to follow.

“Again,” Chanyeol instructs.

I don’t usually do this kind of thing

I couldn’t help but notice the place you’re in

The look on your face says it all

You’re been through a lot

All the big and small

I think I recall seeing you sitting here before

With a look in your eyes like you closed a door

And I think I see the heaviness now

Peaking through the mask that you’re wearing on your brow

“Great!” Chanyeol beams happily. “See? Rapping sometimes needs a lot practice just to get used to the rhythm and lyrics. And you’re a really fast learner, I think you will manage just fine,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae smiles wider at that. Actually, too bright that Chanyeol isn’t sure if he’s ready to see that. Jongdae’s lip curls are reaching his ears, white teeth showing pridefully and his eyes crinkle into crescents.

“You’re singing with me,” Jongdae says.

It takes Chanyeol a few seconds to register what Jongdae means. Chanyeol sings with Jongdae in every song they sing, but this is the first time Chanyeol sings face to face with Jongdae. And Chanyeol’s heart beats faster at the realization.

See how Jongdae is really so so annoying?

They take a break after that. A sudden and urgent break because Chanyeol can’t stop trembling. Chanyeol doesn’t want to move, his body feels frozen in the spot but he eventually manages to drag his feet to the couch in the living room with Jongdae’s help.

Chanyeol’s heartbeat won’t slow down and his hands clamps with cold sweat in a matter of seconds. He’s in a state of panic. Eyes looking right and left to see if the motion of everything in the room he sees is only Chanyeol or an earthquake is actually happening out of nowhere.

“Channie,” Jongdae tries to call. Chanyeol can hear it, can acknowledge it well, but he can’t respond to it. Too preoccupied with distinguishing between illusion and reality. When hands touch his cheek to cup it in a very protective manner, does Chanyeol make his eyes focus at one point. Jongdae’s sparkly eyes, that look so concerned right in front of him. “Channie,” Jongdae calls again.

“Yes?” Chanyeol just answers. Automatically, robotic.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae breathes out. “I’m really sorry. Did I push you too far? I… just stay with me, please” Jongdae says. His hands creeping up to cover Chanyeol’s ears. “Ignore everything else, just stay with me, please” Jongdae says again.

Jongdae looks so scared. And Jongdae’s hands on Chanyeol’ss ears make it ringing painfully as if to fill the quietness Jongdae puts on him. That much, Chanyeol can make out of the situation.

“Channie,” Jongdae calls for Chanyeol again. And over again. He’s starting to chant it like a spell, praying. His head hangs low, looking at their knees. It feels like Jongdae will burst into tears in any second.

Not until ten more minutes, Chanyeol finally moves his hand upward. Cupping Jongdae’s hand in his left ear. It draws Jongdae’s attention and they stare into each other’s eyes for a moment. “You don’t need to apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Chanyeol says.

“I’m still sorry,” Jongdae insists. “I’m really sorry to make you panic like that,” Jongdae says again.

“It’s not your fault I’m like this,” Chanyeol replies. His eyes finally goes down, mind muttering something unsaid. I have always been so broken like this, not being able to do anything like this. So lacking like this, it says.

Jongdae shakes his head. His free hand crawls down to lift Chanyeol’s jaw, “You were not breathing. You were not even moving. I was really scared, Chan” Jongdae says.

When Jongdae leans in to hug Chanyeol, Chanyeol can feel on his neck that Jongdae’s start to sob soundlessly. Chanyeol doesn’t know why Jongdae needs consolation so bad like that when Chanyeol is the one supposed to be consoled right now. Not knowing what to do, Chanyeol just hugs Jongdae back and strokes his back softly.

“I’m really sorry,” Jongdae breathes out again.

Chanyeol doesn’t get it. He’s always be the one apologizing before. Desperate for a forgiveness because he can’t meet up his parent’s expectations. Chanyeol doesn’t know why Jongdae becomes emotionally even more wrecked than Chanyeol but it feels nice to have someone worry that much over Chanyeol. Chanyeol feels… important.

“Don’t apologize,” Chanyeol says, shushing Jongdae softly. Chanyeol wants to move back but Jongdae pulls him tighter into the hug. Chanyeol can feel panic rushes in the latter’s spine.

“Just a moment. Just… stay like this for a moment,” Jongdae says.

And Chanyeol lets him. It’s not long until Jongdae draws away. His eyes red with tears and snot tries to escape his nostril. Chanyeol pats Jongdae’s shoulder a couple of times before he stands up.

“Where are you going?” Jongdae asks, his voice comes fast like lightning.

“Get some tissues,” Chanyeol calmly says. Jongdae doesn’t say anything to that, so Chanyeol walks to his room to collect a box of tissue on the bedside table. He quietly hands it to Jongdae who just takes it wordlessly.

“How are you feeling right now?” Jongdae asks with tissue in his hands, clutching it uneasily on top of his laps.

“I should be the one asking,” Chanyeol just answers.

Jongdae quickly shakes his head. “You. I was just so scared for you. But you, how are you feeling?” Jongdae asks again. Tongue tries to come up with an understandable string of words.

“I’m okay. You’re a lot distraction for me, I don’t feel anything now,” Chanyeol says.

“Was it also like this the first time we met?” Jongdae asks again with voice a little too quiet.

“Not really. It was much more of an anger rather than panic at first. When I reached the front of this building, just then it finally hit me in panic and fear. It was just… the look in your eyes, it was so similar with how my parents looked at me when they discovered me playing the guitar again,” Chanyeol says. Eyes also gaze down at the floor and his voice a lot more quieter than he intended it to be.

Chanyeol actually still feels so unfair about the incident. He had done his best back then. Studying like a mad boy to get the result his parents wanted him to. He had abandoned his broken guitar to focus on studying for four years. He had done everything his parents wished for him to do but Chanyeol could never please his parents.

It’s really unfair but the feeling only trips Chanyeol in guilty and in-debt to his parents. It rips Chanyeol into a fear of becoming an disappointment to his family. Though it seems like Chanyeol already is if his parent’s saying and treatment is any indication.

“Oh,” after a long silence, Jongdae only lets out that one word.

Right at that moment, the password being punched rings into the quiet apartment. Yixing comes in with a plastic bag in his hand, acclaiming the inside to be a box of chicken. Half seasoned and half fried.

Sensing Yixing’s happy tone, both Chanyeol and Jongdae seem to agree to brighten up the mood for Yixing. Chanyeol gets up to get the plates for the said chicken and Jongdae just stays in his seat with a bright smile on his face. Welcoming Yixing with all his might.

“Dae? What’s wrong? Your eyes are red, are you crying?” Yixing asks. Of course no one can fool Yixing.

“Yeah… I was… It just, I suddenly want to visit home,” Jongdae says.

Yixing lets out a quick snort. Even Chanyeol is smiling incredulously upon hearing Jongdae’s answer. “You’re a hopeless liar but that was a really terrible lie, Dae,” Yixing says. “What’s wrong? The last time you lied about you crying, it was because of Chanyeol. Did something happen again between you two?” Yixing asks.

“It happens again, the attack. And he’s scared, that’s all,” Chanyeol explains.

“Attack? The trauma’s triggered again? Why?” Yixing asks again, sounds even more concerned now.

“I… It was… It was my fault, we were singing face to face,” Jongdae trails off. His fingers anxiously folding the end of his shirt into a messy pattern.

“I was trying to teach him how to rap and had to face him. It was okay when we sang, but I just started to abruptly have this breakdown when he pointed it out,” Chanyeol cuts Jongdae just when Jongdae takes a breath to talk again.

“You guys…” Yixing mumbles. Chanyeol just stares at Yixing with neutral look while Jongdae keeps his head low, expecting anything from Yixing’s lips. “Are you guys both okay?” Yixing asks again.

“I’m okay by now. But Jongdae is beyond terrified,” Chanyeol answers.

Yixing just smiles at Chanyeol. He taps Jongdae who still doesn’t want to look up at all. Yixing notices something has changed between Chanyeol and Jongdae. He doesn’t know exactly how that happened or if it goes both ways, but Chanyeol and Jongdae’s atmosphere changes for sure.

Chanyeol begins to care, that’s what Yixing gets. Chanyeol cares for Jongdae in the way he tries to make sure Jongdae won’t be blamed even when Jongdae points the gun at himself. Chanyeol even points out how terrified Jongdae was, likely to make Yixing takes care of Jongdae because he doesn’t know how to. It was something Chanyeol never did before so it’s impossible to go unnoticed by Yixing.

It’s a good change, good for them.

“Dae, Chanyeol is okay as you see. It’s okay now, okay?” Yixing assures Jongdae. In the corner of Yixing’s eyes, he sees Chanyeol tilts his head, mirroring Yixing to look at Jongdae better. “Let’s order drink, what do you want to drink, Dae? Cold chocolate milkshake with lots of foam and sprinkle?” Yixing continues.

It makes Jongdae snorts though he still refuses to look up at all. “Am I a kid?” he scoffs. “Cold dark chocolate without any foam or sprinkle,” Jongdae says proudly as if it isn’t any much different from Yixing’s offer.

“Okay, let’s order that for your chicken” Yixing says back.

The situation is a lot lighter after that. Jongdae and Yixing share cheap jokes and smile a lot like usual. Bright smiles showing white teeth and eyes disappear into crescents. Chanyeol doesn’t know if he only imagines it but Jongdae seems to never look at Chanyeol ever again after that.

— ♪ —

Since the rehearsal has to end suddenly with a chicken party instead, now Jongdae busies himself with painting his 177 cm tall box before he goes home. His proudly 177 cm tall box. A Jongdae-wishes-he’s-that-tall cm box.

Compared to Chanyeol’s box that’s filled with music related doodles in black and blue, Jongdae fills his box with seasonal garden in each side of the box. Spring, summer, autumn, and winter, it makes his box colorful and merry. The front side is filled with a cherry blossom tree and cherry blossom petals flying in the air to represent spring, the season they will do the busking tour. In the bottom lays out roses prettily lined up to form two letters that are J and D to symbolize Jongdae’s pseuds.

“Still not going home, Dae?” Yixing asks, approaching Jongdae with a yawn.

“Oh, is it already that late?” Jongdae asks in return.

“It’s nine past ten,” Yixing informs.

“Huh? It’s been two hours and I just got this little done? Impossible,” Jongdae remarks in disbelief.

“It’s not easy doing art work, right?” Yixing amuses.

“It’s even harder since I’m very bad at it,” Jongdae sighs.

Yixing just chuckles. “You’re doing great. Your gardens are blooming,” Yixing comments. “Chanyeol is really good at it. I guarantee you his artistry is the best ever since he’s young. Ask him to help you paint your brand name,” Yixing says.

Jongdae only mutters an ‘oh’ until his expression replaces with a frown. “But I already wrote them here,” Jongdae says, offended. His forefinger points at the red roses in a bush beneath the tree.

Yixing smiles. “It’s really cute of you, I admit. But I doubt people will really notice it as your brand,” Yixing replies. “I’ll call Chanyeol for you,” Yixing says before Jongdae can even say anything to him.

Jongdae grows uncomfortable in his seat with every stretched second Yixing takes his step to the studio where Chanyeol is currently at. Jongdae prefers to go home instead. He doesn’t want to see Chanyeol at all.

Yixing may not know anything about what happened but Chanyeol maybe just as clueless as the former. The all three of them have come to an unspoken agreement to not talk about it anymore after all. In hope for it to not burden anyone with blame about Chanyeol’s trauma.

It’s not just about Chanyeol’s trauma that makes Jongdae loathe Chanyeol’s presence, though. It’s because Jongdae turns out to feel deeper for Chanyeol than he thinks he does. He had scared to death when Chanyeol broke down, as far as feeling unsafe when Chanyeol just had to grab a tissue box from his room. It seems like a lot more than Jongdae probably should feel. It had shocked even Jongdae himself at how frightened he was.

The realization just struck him out of the blue like a lightning. Jongdae really doesn’t know what he should do with the new discovery. It knocks Jongdae out even more as he remembers Chanyeol said his gaze is condemning. That Jongdae is the source of Chanyeol’s trigger since the beginning.

How Jongdae supposes to work with that? It hurts to just think about it. Even though Jongdae knows he should let time ceases his crush for Chanyeol, it’s just cruel to prohibit Jongdae to keep meeting Chanyeol.

How should Jongdae stubbornly do if meeting Jongdae makes Chanyeol in pain like that?

“Why are you still here?” Chanyeol’s voice snaps Jongdae out of his gloom. No sarcasm in Chanyeol’s tone, just pure shock to see Jongdae’s still there.

Why is it so hard to deal with you, Chan? Why can’t I be let to be together with you?

Jongdae almost cries again at the thought, so he simply shoves the thought aside. “Got carried away while working on this,” Jongdae states the obvious. He looks down at his box as if readying himself to continue his work. While in fact, Jongdae just avoids staring at Chanyeol. He has been, he has to. Jongdae doesn’t want to trigger Chanyeol’s trauma again.

“I can see that. Xing said you need my help,” Chanyeol says, not tearing his gaze from Jongdae at all, who’s lying on his stomach on the floor with his box in front of him.

“I trust you, Yeol,” Yixing taps Chanyeol’s shoulder before walking to his room.

Jongdae’s eyes following Yixing until he disappears inside his room. He then sighs. “Not really. I already wrote my name on the box but hyung thinks people won’t notice it,” Jongdae says, pointing at the roses with his blue painted brush.

“Oh,” Chanyeol just hums. “I can see Xing’s point, we really can’t see it well,” Chanyeol comments.

Jongdae shoots Chanyeol a scandalized look. Mouth ready to protest when he remembers he should not look at Chanyeol. “Why? I make it big enough,” Jongdae says, pout in his tone.

“First of all, the shape is not as clear as you think. You use flower as your outline, the edge isn’t straight enough,” Chanyeol says. He crouches down beside Jongdae, fingers lining the J letter to show his point. “And you put it at the bottom. It’s below people’s eye level, no one’s gonna see this doodle,” Chanyeol says again.

Jongdae actually pouts at his box, eyebrows furrowing in silent protest. His perfect cm tall box is already perfect in Jongdae’s eyes. Besides, his box is already full with a blooming tree and flowers, Jongdae doesn’t think he has a spot to add another doodle.

“It’s already like this, though. Do you have any idea what should I do?” Jongdae voices out his mind.

“He’s no Chanyeol if he has no idea, Dae” Yixing’s amused voice suddenly comes into hearing.

Both Jongdae and Chanyeol jump in shock. They didn’t expect Yixing to come out again from the room. Even more so for Yixing to look all fresh and neat with stripped shirt and pants.

“Where are you going at this hour, hyung?” Jongdae asks Yixing.

“The company. We have recording session with this artist who’s having a new album in a few months,” Yixing answers.

“Wow. Already records something for it,” Jongdae exclaims in amazement.

“There are a lot to prepare for them,” Yixing patiently replies. “I’ll have to go, don’t stay up too late, you both,” Yixing says again as he waves his hand to Jongdae and Chanyeol. Walking away to wear his shoes and finally out of the apartment.

“Is it just ordinary for Yixing hyung to work late in the night like this? Does this happen often?” Jongdae asks, turning to Chanyeol out of habit to pay Chanyeol a close attention. But there, Jongdae sees Chanyeol’s deadly eyes staring straight into his soul. It naturally makes Jongdae draw more distance from Chanyeol, scared for his dear life.

“Well, yes. As a producer, Yixing doesn’t usually get a set working hours,” Chanyeol explains calmly, still looking at Jongdae in the eyes.

“Oh,” Jongdae just mumbles as he looks away from Chanyeol.

“You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?” Chanyeol says after a split second of silence.

Jongdae flinches at the question. “N-No?” he says, feeling small and intimidated.

“You are. Why? Is it because of me earlier? I told you it’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself for it,” Chanyeol says, concern in his voice.

Jongdae closes his eyes for a moment. Letting himself to feel the despair because it takes Jongdae a really long time for Chanyeol to warm up at him like that. To make Chanyeol feel anything but despise towards him. “No,” Jongdae breathes out. “I don’t know,” Jongdae corrects himself a second later.

Jongdae heaves a long suppressed sigh. “You told me that my eyes… it was the same as your parents. You said they don’t approve you playing a guitar. I swear I never look at you with such a look but what I suppose to do if it means my eyes just naturally calls back your trauma?” Jongdae says in frustration.

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything for a long moment that they eventually fall into a long silence. No one has a word for the other and so, the silence just becomes longer and longer.

“I’m really sorry about my eyes. I’ll try to refrain from looking at you, I promise,” Jongdae breaks the silence first while keeping his eyes on his box.

“It’s really not your fault, but I don’t know how to tell you,” Chanyeol says, eyes following Jongdae’s gaze on the innocent box. “I’m scared of being a disappointment and eventually abandoned the most. And the feeling increases ten times stronger when I sing that I can’t get a hold of myself if someone sees or discovers me singing. But aside from that it should be my concern to not make people disappoint in me or worse, abandon me. It’s not your fault,” Chanyeol explains carefully.

“Channie,” Jongdae calls. “If it’s not my fault, then it’s not yours either. You don’t have to blame yourself for people’s accusations at you. You’re free to do whatever you want to do as long as it doesn’t harm anyone, music included,” Jongdae says, eyes never leaving his box.

“It harms someone if it makes them disappointed,” Chanyeol argues.

“How will it affect their lives? What negativity you will bring them? Your life is your own to walk, Channie. As long as what you do don’t influence someone’s life in a bad way, that shouldn’t be an issue,” Jongdae counters. “Poor Channie,” Jongdae adds in a mumble.

Chanyeol just snorts at Jongdae’s last remark.

“I’m tired and sleepy. Let’s do this quickly, I want to go home,” Jongdae mutters.

“Let’s just wrap it here for today. Just go home and sleep,” Chanyeol suggests.

“Yes, let’s do that,” Jongdae agrees. He stands up immediately with his box in his hands. Walking to the studio to place the box inside and gathering his things on the couch afterward.

Not a second, Jongdae’s gaze leaves the floor tiles. Aside from being careful of Chanyeol, Jongdae is just too tired. He feels too many things at once today and he feels like crying again any second. Right now, Jongdae just wants to go home, sleep, and let everything slip into numbness the moment he wakes up in the morning. Start the day with whiteness nothing. No feeling, no nothing yet.

“Jongdae,” Chanyeol’s voice startles Jongdae. Making Jongdae looks up at Chanyeol in reflex. “It’s ten past twenty right now. You missed your bus, how are you going home?” Chanyeol asks.

“Ah…” Jongdae mutters not so intelligently. “I can take the taxi,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol huffs a long breath. “Or you can just sleep here. It seems dangerous to let you roam the street in that state. Xing probably won’t be back tonight, so you can use his bed,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae sighs. His day seems to be a lot more longer if he’s going to stay over. Despite visiting the apartment frequently, to sleep there is definitely a different case. Jongdae feels like the foreign place won’t let him rest in peace. So of course Jongdae refuses.

In the end of the day, he loses the battle and finds himself sleeping on Yixing’s bed. Staring at the ceiling mindlessly because he’s right. He can’t sleep at all despite being tired and so done with the day already.

Chanyeol is still in the studio, doing some composing or lyric writing, so the bed next to the one Jongdae is occupying is empty. Nonetheless, it doesn’t help Jongdae to get comfortable. Probably because he knows he’s in someone else’s room and on someone else’s bed, Jongdae can’t get his sleepiness to drift him off to the dream land.

Jongdae sits up. Head filled with curses in korean then in english and even in spanish. Credit to Baekhyun who took spanish for his the extra lesson in high school, Jongdae knows well how to curse in spanish.

Jongdae opens the door with a loud scream when Chanyeol’s face just right in front of the door. He looks at Chanyeol whose expression is also mirrored Jongdae’s shocked face. His hand then reaches his chest while his eyes shut, an exasperate attempt to calm himself down.

“You didn’t sleep yet?” Chanyeol casually asks.

“I can’t. Why do you have to be there just right at the moment I open the door?” Jongdae whines.

“I don’t know,” Chanyeol answers in the matter of factly. “Why can’t you sleep? Is something the matter? Is the bed stink? I don’t think Xing smells that bad, though” Chanyeol asks again.

It has Jongdae immediately waves his hands in disagreement. “No, it’s not that at all,” Jongdae won’t deny that Chanyeol’s statement makes him trying to remember the smell of the bed. Whether Yixing is really smell or did he smell any other scent on it. Not really an appropriate thought, so Jongdae will definitely never say that out loud.

“I always have a hard time sleeping in foreign place. It doesn’t feel safe to be surrounded with newness so I just can’t doze off,” Jongdae explains.

“Are you in a forest? Why don’t you feel safe inside four walls and there’s nothing or no one but both of us?” Chanyeol narrows his eyes, not understanding Jongdae’s problem at all. “Well, what do you usually do in such a case?” Chanyeol asks.

“I don’t know. I was just going to stare at the living room until I’m sleepy enough to not care if I sleep in new place or not,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol hums, contemplating something for a moment. “Alright then. Come on, I think I have something better for you to stare rather than the living room,” Chanyeol urges.

Assuming that Jongdae would absolutely agree anyway, Chanyeol walks first to guide the way. It’s not a far walk, Chanyeol just leads Jongdae to the wide window in the living room. He opens the curtain to reveal the beauty of the dark night, a river, and lamps from the buildings across it. It’s really beautiful, as expected from an expensive apartment in apgujeong.

Jongdae is too captivated by the view that he almost doesn’t see the balcony. It has one dinner table with two chairs in each end, definitely placed there for having a meal with a great view. Just two meters from it, is something Jongdae would never imagine being there. It’s a telescope, a pretty huge at that.

“Wow,” Jongdae just exclaims. Eyes searching for Chanyeol’s in hope for some explanation. But Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, just quietly unlocks the glass door and wears a fluffy gray slipper to walk into the balcony.

Jongdae immediately follows Chanyeol suit. A wide smile already blooming on his face. He wears the white fluffy slipper that probably belongs to Yixing without Chanyeol orders him to. He can’t wait already to adore the beautiful night view at the balcony.

The first step Jongdae takes into the balcony, Jongdae is hit by a cold breeze on his face. Not too strong, but cold enough that Jongdae knows if he’s going to stay for a very long time, he will freeze. They’re in the middle of winter, it’s really not the best time in the year to stargaze. At least it’s not snowing so Jongdae anticipates it nevertheless.

Looking at the night view with someone has always been a treasured romance in Jongdae’s heart. He always wants to do it since very long ago. Engulfing himself with panorama and admiring the view together with someone, it doesn’t matter who. They don’t have to talk at all since they should have been busy appreciating the world they’re in. Just doing nothing with someone’s presence to comfort that everything is perfectly okay at the moment, because they’re together and the world is with them.

Jongdae just smiles wider that it begins to hurt his cheeks. Even though Chanyeol is not in the same romance page as him, Jongdae is content the way it is now. Chanyeol doesn’t have to know his sappy romantic heart anyway.

The sky is quite clear tonight. It’s pitch black but no stars to be seen anywhere. A white hue is surrounding the buildings that are covered with a thin layer of snow from the previous days. For the nth time Jongdae just has to coo internally at how beautiful the night is.

“Tell me if you’re cold so we can go back inside,” Chanyeol says.

Like Jongdae wants to ditch the view just because he’s cold.

Jongdae’s eyes soon darts at the big black telescope at the side. He wonders if it’s Chanyeol’s or Yixing’s. From how big the thing is, the owner is unquestionably a nerd. Who likes this kind of ancient obsession between the two guys? Should Jongdae ask?

When Jongdae gives Chanyeol a side look to ask, he’s struck by how calm and at ease Chanyeol looks. The taller has just watching the row of buildings across them in silent. Eyes glimmering in serenity as if he’s in an utmost peace.

That time, Jongdae doesn’t need an answer anymore. His curiosity is immediately kicked by Chanyeol’s calm composure. However, Jongdae seems like receiving an answer the moment Chanyeol opens his mouth again.

“It’s a shame that not even one star is present,” Chanyeol murmurs.

It seems like the telescope belongs to this tall guy next to Jongdae. Jongdae smiles at the discovery. “It would really be pretty if there are any,” he replies.

Chanyeol doesn’t reply back but his cheek seems to turn quite pinkish. His expression doesn’t change much but the pink taint makes Jongdae thinks that Chanyeol probably feels flustered. If it isn’t cute.

“You love stars, don’t you?” Jongdae says. It’s more of a statement rather than a question, just to start a conversation Chanyeol might like to have.

Chanyeol hums in contemplation. He looks at Jongdae who’s already looking back at the night sky with a neutral look. Chanyeol then gradually follows Jongdae’s gaze, “They’re pretty. And most importantly, they will always be there. They never leave no matter what,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae nods in sympathy. Seems like Chanyeol has a strong connection with the stars. A picture of Chanyeol sits down alone while staring at the stars comes into Jongdae’s mind. Beside the window in his room at his parent’s house, or in a wide field in his old neighborhood, or at the street when Chanyeol walks at night, and lastly at this exact balcony. Whether it’s true or not, it feels like Chanyeol has been growing with the embrace of the stars. Praying and wailing for his life to be a little endurable to handle.

It’s sad. But Jongdae’s glad if it means Chanyeol still can find something to hold on for him to keep going with his life.

“If a shooting star really can grant you a wish, what would you ask?” Jongdae asks.

“I don’t know. I don’t really want anything right now,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae shoots Chanyeol a look before quickly looks away again. “Really? Why? I’m sure you have at least one wish to make,” Jongdae frowns.

Chanyeol hums, thinking for an answer. “Then, I would wish for you to look at me freely, just like before,” Chanyeol says in the end.

Jongdae scoffs. “Are you serious? You wouldn’t want to waste a rare chance for something so little like that,” Jongdae shakes his head.

“I’m serious. Will it be really granted, though? This shooting star probably is a scam,” Chanyeol says nonchalantly.

Jongdae just clears his throat. He refuses to answer Chanyeol’s words since his brain only plays the same question over and over. Because why would it matter if it’s granted or not?

Jongdae’s crush towards Chanyeol really doesn’t help Jongdae’s situation at all. He seriously needs to get rid of it fast. Then Jongdae could try to find a way to be friends with Chanyeol without recalling Chanyeol’s trauma.

Jongdae’s fluster soon is washed away by the silence between him and Chanyeol. It’s a really comfortable silence as both of them just staring ahead, heads are filled with anything or nothing at all. The night breeze that’s getting a lot colder by now doesn’t bother them at all. It feels like peace.

“When the cold wind blows a little, the night sky twinkles” Jongdae unconsciously sings a song from their busking playlist. A song called Let’s Go See The Stars by Jukjae.

“After spending a long day, on the way home, I suddenly thought of you,” Chanyeol takes the melody and sings along.

Jongdae almost turns his head to Chanyeol, too shocked that Chanyeol sings along with him. He’s lucky he remembers Chanyeol’s trauma, so Jongdae turns his back at Chanyeol instead. A moment later, Jongdae feels some weigh on his back. Certainly, it’s Chanyeol who just presses his back on Jongdae as he also carefully lays his head onto Jongdae’s.

Chanyeol just keeps singing the song, “Where are you? What are you doing now?”

Muting his rapid heartbeat and chaotic mind, Jongdae just looks up to the night sky. Pressing Chanyeol’s head back slightly. Whatever it means or how Chanyeol thinks about Jongdae, at the moment, Jongdae just decides to keep on singing.

[Jongdae and Chanyeol]

Do you not want to see the stars with me?

Can you come out to the front of your house?

You just need to come out wearing a light jacket

I don’t want to go somewhere far

But I do want to hold your hand tightly

Even though I don’t know the names of the lovely constellations

Would you come with me?

[Jongdae]

La la la la la la la la~

[Chanyeol]

Anywhere is good, would you come with me?

[Jongdae]

There were so many words I want to say to you but

[Jongdae and Chanyeol]

I don’t want to be so rushed

But I do want to hold your hand tightly

Even though I don’t know the names of the lovely constellations

Would you come with me?

— ♪ —

If Chanyeol can speak honestly, Jongdae’s gaze is a lot more troubling for Chanyeol than Chanyeol lets it seem. It’s really mesmerizing with an unknowing sparkle in them which Chanyeol can’t help but be hypnotized. It sucks Chanyeol into them with no way out and it scares Chanyeol a lot.

The moment Chanyeol locks eyes with Jongdae, Chanyeol would be dragged into himself. The world mutes itself and Chanyeol is suddenly left alone with the void, with himself. It feels like Chanyeol is forced to face himself, to look at himself, and it’s a lot more than just terrifying.

The sensation and feeling are exactly the same as that broken moment of Chanyeol life when his parents canceled him and Chanyeol had to get out of the house. That moment of his very first busking experience with Yixing, the root of his trauma that had grown out from. That’s how Chanyeol’s trauma often triggers just by looking at Jongdae’s eyes.

The problem is, Chanyeol actually feels insecure whenever Jongdae’s eyes are pierced on him, whether he’s singing or not. Like when Chanyeol had fainted inside his box, while singing and observing Jongdae talked with Yixing. And sometimes while Chanyeol talked to Jongdae. At those times, fortunately, Chanyeol managed to draws himself back by looking somewhere else and ignoring Jongdae at all. This is the fact that Chanyeol doesn’t tell to anybody, not even to Yixing.

Lately, the struggle becomes even a lot harder to endure because Chanyeol really wants those glittering eyes to meet his own. He wants Jongdae to look at him with ease, not scared, not worry, or furthermore to avoid Chanyeol’s stare at all. Chanyeol wants those eyes to look at him one day, probably even with a smile.

Chanyeol is desperate to get a way out of the dead-end. He searched the internet a lot to handle his trauma better and the internet all says is that he should seek a professional’s help or face his trauma with confrontational therapy. It’s hard to do since Jongdae still avoids Chanyeol regularly and he doesn’t quite trust the professional’s care would help.

The frustration drags Chanyeol pass the winter and now spring has fully come. It’s the second week of the season and suddenly the busking week is here. Chanyeol and Jongdae had decided to split the day into two weekends. The first busking day will be hold on Saturday this week and the second and last busking will be hold on Saturday and Sunday on the following week.

Yixing and Kyungsoo had asked to be tag along on the first day so Chanyeol and Jongdae don’t have to rent a car for their trip. Yixing helps Chanyeol to pack the busking equipment and bring it to the front building while waiting for Kyungsoo to arrive with his car and Jongdae. Yixing wanted to bring his own car at first, but he decided that he wanted to get closer to Jongdae and Kyungsoo so now Kyungsoo has to pick Chanyeol and Yixing up since his apartment is the farthest.

The first busking place is at one busy road in Sinchon, near Yonsei University, that’s filled with shops and food stalls. It’s one of the most popular place to do busking and both Chanyeol and Yixing had agree that Jongdae should sing there. In silent hope that his talent would really be recognized and Jongdae can step forward to pursue his singing dream without feeling deprecated about his voice’s character.

Kyungsoo and Jongdae arrive late for almost thirty minutes. They explain that Jongdae was so nervous that he kept going to the bathroom for an hour before Kyungsoo had to drag him to the car. Jongdae looks so sorry even after Chanyeol and Yixing assure him that it’s okay.

It’s normal to be nervous of the first busking experience. Chanyeol also was nervous on his first time. It was a happy nervous though, an anticipation kind of nervous. And it hadn’t end good. So this time, Chanyeol can be sure enough that this busking will going to be great for Jongdae. Even if it wasn’t going to be, Chanyeol will make sure it will.

They arrive at Sinchon in almost one hour later. They walk the street with admiration of the very busy road in the evening. The street food stalls are busy cooking or reheating the food and the street is full with people walking back and forth.

The view is really overwhelming. But when Chanyeol looks at his side, Jongdae seems to enjoy the crowd. His eyes are twinkling and his mouth is slightly apart. It makes Chanyeol form his own small smile on his face. Feeling relieved that now Jongdae is not as nervous as before.

“I think it would be great to do busking there,” Chanyeol points out ahead. There, it’s mostly filled with boutiques and skin care shops so they won’t disturb people that are eating. Especially the food stalls which the costumers are mostly standing, and away from them also means that their music won’t be overlaid with cooking sound.

But it makes Jongdae self-aware again. “There? In the street? Is it going to be okay? It’s crowded with people and everyone is walking the street,” Jongdae says.

“Busking literally means we’re playing on the street, Dae. Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay. Everyone will make enough way for us and everyone else,” Yixing assures.

“There, then? I can’t wait to hear the result of you guys’ three months of rehearsal,” Kyungsoo comments.

“Come on, it’s going to be great,” Yixing says enthusiastically. Yixing has practically run a little to the said spot and Kyungsoo is just calmly following with quick steps.

Chanyeol looks at his side again, finding Jongdae fidget with himself. Chanyeol can see how Jongdae grows restless, the shorter guy almost stops walking. “It’s going to be okay,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae looks at Chanyeol with worried eyes, then quickly turns away. He still avoids Chanyeol as best as he can. When Chanyeol mutters a quiet and deflated ‘let’s go’, Jongdae follows close to Chanyeol’s back.

The setting is quick. Having Yixing to help and Chanyeol already used to set up a busking since he’s a regular player. Sometimes, Jongdae would ask what he should do, how to install the cables. He so stubbornly wants to help, wants to experience preparing the busking himself, so Chanyeol explains to him where the cables went and asks him to tape them to the street in case someone will trip over it.

Lastly, Chanyeol and Jongdae put their boxes up. It’s the first time for Chanyeol to see them stand side by side. It looks so different that it’s almost ridiculous to make them stand to each other. It’s like that meme of a completely black house with a bright pink and purple house just right beside it.

Chanyeol looks at Jongdae again to make sure the shorter is fine. But Jongdae doesn’t give Chanyeol an attention at all. Huffing a deep breath before he finally goes inside the box which Chanyeol follows quietly.

A silence inside the box completely succeeds to mute down the world. Just like it has always been. Chanyeol can see through the holes that Yixing and Kyungsoo is standing there expectantly. Beside them, there are about five people who are ready to follow Chanyeol and Jongdae’s music journey for the night even before it begins.

Slowly, a string of soft guitar sound can be heard throughout the speaker. A slow and chill jam is presented for their very first song of the evening. Chanyeol starts to sing.

[Chanyeol]

It’s a small, remote island here

Even if you look around

In the long endless night

I lose my way again

Crouched body

Footsteps that have reached me

With that familiar warmth

 Wake, wake, wake me

Chanyeol can see from the audience’s face that it’s a familiar song for them. Even if maybe they doesn’t know Galaxy by Taeyeon, Chanyeol is sure they have heard it somewhere. It’s an enjoyable song from a very popular Girls Generation’s leader, Kim Taeyeon, so it sure had been played everywhere at least once.

When Jongdae sings the next part of it, he sounds so nervous. He still manages to sound heavenly without a crack but having to rehearse with Jongdae almost every day, Chanyeol can pick the uncertainty to his voice.

When Chanyeol harmonies with him in some part, though, Chanyeol can hear Jongdae is gradually gaining comfort. Then, everything is suddenly settled.

[Jongdae]

In the same place

Waited together every day

In my world

With your warm voice (Chanyeol harmonies: with your warm voice)

You told me to dream good dreams now (Chanyeol harmonies: you told me to dream good dreams now)

I don’t wanna fall asleep without you

[Chanyeol and Jongdae]

One and only galaxy

Light that embraces me

After darkness passes

I see, see, see you

Warmth getting closer with each step

Spreading out inside of you

My small, small, small universe

[Jongdae]

That night I made a wish

It reaches me as one ray of light

Coming across and meeting you

At the end of this long journey

[Chanyeol]

The dream that unfolds in the eyes that have met

Now it’s clear

I need someone like you

[Chanyeol and Jongdae]

Shining galaxy

Light that embraces me

After the cloud passes

I see, see, see you

Warmth getting closer with each step

The voice that called me

My small, small, small

[Jongdae]

Universe

Like you

Universe yeah~

Whoo hoo hoo hoo~

By the end of the song, the crowd is multiplied by at least twenty times larger than when they started. They’re making a half circle in front of two boxes. Bodies sway right and left to follow with the melody of the song Chanyeol and Jongdae present.

Jongdae also sounds comfortable enough in the next song. Finally adapted with the busking atmosphere as a presenter, not the audience anymore. It’s really a relieved and Chanyeol gets to give his maximum performance.

When Is It Empty Seat Beside You? by Soran is played, the crowd seem to just enlarge even more. It’s a very rare occasion to have such a large audience just from the first night, unprompted, and inside the box without giving anyone a face at all. Even Chanyeol can’t get himself this much audience after a few weeks busking in the same spot.

Probably because Jongdae sings really good that everyone cares enough to stop by and listen. It’s really great, everyone looks delighted by the performance as if the busking is the perfect weekend gift for them. It surely will also be the best gift for Jongdae since it’s his first busking experience.

The atmosphere stays warm and convenient until they reach the last song, Letter by Jukjae. The starless night feels like it’s twinkling with delight and relaxed air. Today absolutely can be a good night.

“Encore! Encore! Encore!” the crowd demands.

Unfortunately they don’t prepare any encore performance. Chanyeol was about to apologize and explain when he hears Jongdae groans through the mic. Clearly contemplating but confused since he can’t communicate with Chanyeol at all because of the box.

Even if Chanyeol’s going to randomly jam to another song, Jongdae will unlikely to follow anyway. Because Jongdae is sucks at lyrics even to the ones Jongdae knows and saves in his playlist. So contemplating to sing another song is no more than a useless thing to do.

“I’m sorry but we didn’t prepare any encore,” Chanyeol says through the mic. “We didn’t expect to have this many people watching us, but that’s a good thing if everyone is enjoying this night,” Chanyeol says again.

“If you’re curious and want to hear more about us, we will hold another busking next week. Saturday at Marronier Park and Sunday near Hongik University, the place I regularly sing every evening. Let’s meet again next week,” Chanyeol concludes his speech, advertising next week busking and even his regular show at the same time.

“Ah, yes, I hope we can meet again next week,” Jongdae says nervously. It sounds very cute, the way he drags the words into an inarticulate sentence. It’s like a baby’s speaking which is the complete contrary to Jongdae’s clear articulation when he sings the song lyrics.

The audience talks to themselves. Probably commenting the way Jongdae talks, or pondering to attend the next week busking because it’s rather far from where they’re at. Eventually, they wave their hands and dismiss themselves.

Some minutes later, Chanyeol sees only Yixing and Kyungsoo stand in front of the box. They raise a thumb up and Chanyeol gets out of the box at the sign. It was apparently a praise to a well-done performance, not an ‘okay’ signal to come out of the box, when Chanyeol hears them spill a storm of compliments later.

The moment Jongdae gets out of the box, Chanyeol is surprised to see him run to Kyungsoo like a child. Jongdae actually lets out a sob sound and Kyungsoo is babied him so readily, stroking Jongdae’s hair in an affectionate way. Chanyeol almost has himself looking with wide big eyes and his mouth hanging open.

“You’ve worked hard, Dae” Kyungsoo soothes his friend.

“That was really scary,” Jongdae whines. “It was really really scary,” Jongdae whines more.

“Let’s have a dinner together first, then we can talk about that, okay?” Yixing suggests.

“That sounds good. Dae must be hungry,” Kyungsoo says affectionately.

It was then that Chanyeol notices Kyungsoo calls Jongdae with a nickname. Yixing also calls Jongdae with a nickname most of the time but this guy, this guy friend of Jongdae, Chanyeol never catches him calls Jongdae without that nickname. It’s strange to realize this, but it’s also strange how that actually bothers Chanyeol a little.

“I want to keep hugging Soo, though. Don’t want to let go yet,” Jongdae wails.

“I’ll drive,” Chanyeol offers himself.

Kyungsoo gives Chanyeol his car key in an instant. Proceeds to get into the back seat with Jongdae and continues hugging Jongdae’s body close. None of them talking, or letting out any sound in that matter.

Jongdae is eerily quiet that Chanyeol grows anxious. He doesn’t sob, doesn’t cry, doesn’t even whine anymore. Just stay quiet with Kyungsoo in his arms.

Chanyeol needs to keep reminding himself that everything is okay. The busking has ended well and Jongdae should be happy. Jongdae’s not sad or heartbroken even if he looks exactly like that.

Around five minutes later, they arrive at a trendy looking cafe. Yixing’s recommendation, he said he likes the atmosphere of the cafe and the food is good. Chanyeol doesn’t get what atmosphere Yixing means but the yellow painted cafe looks pretty with the light of sunset hitting on it.

Jongdae only detaches himself a little away from Kyungsoo when they’re inside the cafe. In favor of awing the cafe’s exterior. That, Chanyeol notices again at how Jongdae can be easily dazzled with every little new things around him.

They order gukbab each with pork cutlet and dumplings. While waiting for their food to arrive, Yixing opens his mouth to start the conversation. “So, how was busking with Chanyeol?” he asks.

“It’s good, many people were stopping by and listening. They look happy and it’s really good. But it was also so scary,” Jongdae confesses. His voice is timid like he isn’t sure if he can say that. He also holds his gaze down this time, further emphasizing his timidness.

“Scary?” Chanyeol unconsciously says his mind so fast that it makes Jongdae flinches.

“It’s… I mean, I get it to low degree that having people watch you singing is nerve-wrecking but being in that box is just… I felt like isolated. And it traps me there, I can’t grasp what’s going on at all. I felt alone and void, and it’s scary,” Jongdae explains carefully.

Yixing and Kyungsoo lets out an ‘ah’ as an understanding. “Well… it’s never occured to us you would feel that way. I guess that since Chanyeol is in the box, we automatically assume you have to be in it, too,” Yixing says, looking at Chanyeol in expectation for some commentary.

But Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, too dumbstruck with Jongdae’s confession.

“I don’t know it’d feel like this either. I was also happy to finally be able to be a little like Channie. Stay anonymous and sound great inside a box sounds cool,” Jongdae dismisses Yixing’s worry. “It’s probably because that was my first time busking and I was nervous as hell. It was…” Jongdae’s eyes finally trails at Chanyeol, who looks at him attentively with deadly silence.

“We need to know what you feel, Dae. The busking is for you in the first place, so you need to be comfortable,” Yixing coaxes reassuringly.

“Go on,” Chanyeol just quietly urges.

Jongdae looks at Chanyeol again, winces for a little before tearing his gaze to his hands on the table again. “It was a safe place for you, Chan. No one knows you when you’re inside it but all the eyes are looking straightly into me. I tried to search for you to comfort myself but all I see was a box. I know you’re inside it but I can’t see you, it feels like you’re not there,” Jongdae explains. “Though when you finally sang along with me, I feel relieved to know that you’re truly there with me. And I can see Kyungsoo through the holes, too, so I can be fine,” Jongdae continues.

“I won’t be there for your next busking, though” Kyungsoo debates.

“Me neither,” Yixing says. “If it’s not feel safe, can he just sing without the box?” Yixing asks, turning to Chanyeol for approval.

“He can,” Chanyeol just mumbles but his eyes still sharp looking at Jongdae. He’s thinking, contemplating something. Chanyeol wants to also come out of the box.

Jongdae was truly scared, much to Chanyeol’s surprise and dismay. Even when the busking ends really well, Jongdae didn’t get the best experience Chanyeol thinks he would have. Jongdae was anxious and terrified, he had felt like he’s some kind of attraction inside the box and left alone.

Jongdae had searched for Chanyeol for comfort. He said he wanted to see Chanyeol to feel better. It rubs Chanyeol in all the wrong places and now Chanyeol feels itchy and impatient. He’s pressed with the urge to come out of the box for Jongdae. With Jongdae.

The food arrives and the discussion is closed with Jongdae no longer have to be in the box anymore for the next busking. Jongdae seems like he’s trying hard to not feel too uncomfortable. Probably because Chanyeol’s dead eyes still look straight at him, observing his moves. Their eyes meet for several seconds but then Jongdae looks away from Chanyeol again.

Chanyeol spends the long ride home fidgeting in the back seat. He looks at his side to find Jongdae leans his body to the car door, eyes looking at the passing cars and buildings. Chanyeol tries to open his mouth but cold sweat beats him to it. He can’t.

When Chanyeol coincidentally looks at the rear view, he sees Yixing’s eyes are observing him while keeping his eyes on the road to drive. His eyebrows are tutted in worry. There, Chanyeol meets Kyungsoo’s ones just right beside Yixing’s. Probably sensing Yixing’s worry and looks over to Chanyeol as well in attempt to find out.

Chanyeol just sighs. He leans his body to the car door as well and places his head on the window. Just a second after that, he closes his eyes shut. Chanyeol can’t even sing in front of these little people who he already knows and closes to, will Chanyeol be able to get out of the box for the next busking?

— ♪ —

Jongdae listens again to the recording files Kyungsoo sent him yesterday. It’s without doubt from his first busking. He had asked Kyungsoo to record it for him since the sound would be so messed up if he’s gonna record it from inside the box. He also doesn’t want to hear his own voice suddenly blasting his ear in a really high volume.

Kyungsoo said Jongdae should just ask Chanyeol for an official studio track file rather than listening to a crappy recording. Kyungsoo had said it over and over ever since day one but Jongdae never listens. How can Jongdae dares to ask if it’s about Chanyeol?

Chanyeol acted strange yesterday. After the busking ended, to be precise. His aura changed, his expression stiffened, and he fidgeted with himself a lot. Jongdae saw the wary expression on Chanyeol’s face. It looked like he wanted to say something but ended up not saying it at all so Jongdae tried to ignore it.

It’s probably because of what Jongdae had said about the box. It was a very safe place for Chanyeol and yet Jongdae was brave enough to say that he’s terrified instead. Chanyeol must feel offended, he must think Jongdae is just a piece of shit with too much to ask and narrow mind.

Jongdae grunts, slumping himself until he hugs his knees to his chest. He really hopes he hadn’t say all that. If Jongdae thinks about it once more, he can actually just practice to be in the box and get familiar with the feeling. But he had hurt Chanyeol’s feeling instead.

“Just give him a message,” Kyungsoo says.

Jongdae cranes his head up to look at Kyungsoo who has a basket full of laundry in his hands. “What should I say to him?” Jongdae asks for help.

Kyungsoo only shrugs then walks to where the big window is at. Getting ready to put his clothes on the clotheslines. “Anything, Dae. Just to make sure you both are okay,” Kyungsoo says. “You know, I don’t think you need to worry so much about it. You guys are getting along really well recently and if he’s bothered about yesterday, doesn’t that mean he cares about you?” Kyungsoo adds.

“What?” Jongdae unconsciously blurts out.

“You know that it’s true. He observes you a lot, listening to you whenever you’re talking, and he notes down all of it carefully. He cares a lot for you, everyone can see that even if they don’t know you guys had started poorly. That much, he prioritizes you, Dae” Kyungsoo explains easily, not knowing how that makes Jongdae’s heart beats faster.

Jongdae doesn’t get himself for feeling flustered. The flush on his face doesn’t even tell Jongdae that it’s like getting a grand achievement. It’s not just that. Kyungsoo’s sentences indicate a lot more than just that and Jongdae doesn’t want to admit it though he’s happy about it.

“You really think so?” Jongdae asks Kyungsoo bashfully.

Hearing the tone, Kyungsoo only snorts. His smirk grows ever wider when he looks at how flustered Jongdae is. “You’re really not going to be subtle with your crush, huh? What did you think?” Kyungsoo retorts.

Jongdae’s eyes turn wide, shocked and offended at the same time. For a moment, he only stays silent, lost for words. It’s useless to deny anything to his best friend, the truth will stay the truth anyway, so Jongdae ignores everything at once.

Jongdae picks his phone and turn off the recording to go into the messaging app. “I was afraid if he would be hurt because of my words,” Jongdae grumbles a minute too late.

Kyungsoo had thought the conversation was over so he didn’t really pay attention. He gives himself a time to think because Jongdae doesn’t want to repeat what he was saying. Jongdae is so damn lucky Kyungsoo favors him. Because if it’s Kyungsoo’s boyfriend, Baekhyun, he would absolutely throw his slippers to him.

“He’s a grown-up, Dae, he won’t be upset just because of that. You need to stop thinking Chanyeol as a petty nagger. Baekhyun was right, he doesn’t hate you. I mean, he was. But not anymore,” Kyungsoo says.

“It’s hard, I really don’t want to piss him off so I’m just automatically being careful,” Jongdae whimpers.

“You know that’s not it when it comes to a relationship. You need to be yourself for it to work properly,” Kyungsoo frowns.

It sure is easier said than done.

Jongdae clicks his chat room with Chanyeol and starts to type a chat to the latter. He hasn’t even finished his message when a loud ‘ka-talk’ rings into Jongdae’s ear. A new bubble appears from Chanyeol’s side, along with his unfinished message that was mistakenly sent to the other.

Channie

Hey, Jongdae, I think I need a favor. Will you help me?

Jongdae

Chan? What are you d

Channie

Oh that was fast

You’re online

Then, are you free? Can we just meet? I think it’s easier that way

Jongdae

Oh… okay, where do you want to meet?

Channie

You sure you have time?

If so, my apartment is empty so let’s talk here

I’ll pick you up, just get ready

Jongdae doesn’t know what to respond to that. Or what to think. Or what to expect.

At the side note, Chanyeol seems to truly change. He asked to make sure Jongdae didn’t just comply out of obligation. And he also offered a ride even when he doesn’t have to because the meeting point is where he already is at.

Chanyeol is originally a kind person so it’s good that he becomes more considerate to other people now. Perhaps Kyungsoo is right, Chanyeol maybe doesn’t hate him anymore. If Chanyeol is trying hard to be a little bit closer with him, Jongdae should open his arms. He wants this to happen since the beginning.

Jongdae stands up, running a little to his bedroom. He needs to change clothes into something more proper than just the green sweatshirt he’s wearing right now. He has a date with Chanyeol.

Jongdae goes down his apartment with maroon sweatshirt and a thick black jacket that’s two size larger than Jongdae’s supposed size. There, Jongdae sees a familiar black car is parked in front of his apartment. Chanyeol brings Yixing’s car again this time, too.

Jongdae perks up to see the window is going down slowly to reveal Chanyeol on the driver’s side with black t-shirt and black jacket. “Hi! Yixing doesn’t bring his car for work today?” Jongdae greets cheerfully.

“He went with a co-worker for the four-days business trip to Jeonju,” Chanyeol informs. “Come on, it may already be spring but it’s still cold outside,” Chanyeol urges.

At that, Jongdae snaps himself out of his thought and hops in the car. He quickly sets his seat belt just to hide his blush from Chanyeol. It spares Jongdae a lot that the latter seems to not notice any single thing.

“What did you want to say in the chat earlier? You didn’t finish it,” Chanyeol starts a conversation.

“Nothing, to be honest. I was just making sure you’re okay,” Jongdae answers as casually as he can.

Chanyeol frowns, his large eyes narrowed a little. “Why aren’t I okay?” he asks in confusion.

“You didn’t look okay yesterday, though. I was worried if it’s because what I said about the box,” Jongdae supplies.

“Well…” Chanyeol hums. “It’s true that it’s partially because of that. But that’s not what bothers me. It’s something about what I want to ask you to help me,” Chanyeol replies.

Jongdae raises an eyebrow, curious and confused at the same time. But before Jongdae can say anything, Chanyeol already shuts him up with saying that he will let Jongdae know once they arrive at the apartment. The twenty minutes ride to Chanyeol’s apartment never feels this long before.

It turns out that Chanyeol needs Jongdae’s help to practice his singing. They didn’t do it in the studio though, Chanyeol didn’t usher Jongdae to the soundproofed room. Instead, Chanyeol asked Jongdae to sit on the couch while he’s making tea for both of them.

Jongdae wanders his eyes to the room, feeling foreign once again. The whole apartment is quiet with an anxious atmosphere spreading all over. It also makes Jongdae nervous somehow.

Chanyeol puts two cups of hot tea on the table and sits on the other side of the couch. The expression on Chanyeol’s face is so tense that Jongdae grows even more uneasy in his seat. And then, Chanyeol is looking at Jongdae with the same serious deadly eyes as yesterday. Saying, “I’m sorry in advance, it may make you uncomfortable. I can even hurt you but I need you to stay by my side. I need you to be able to do this.”

“Okay,” Jongdae says automatically.

But Chanyeol shakes his head. “Don’t ‘okay’ me, I know very well how this is bad on your part as well. Please, please don’t be discouraged. It’s my issue, not your fault. Just… when I start to freak out, just hold my hands. Please, I need you for this,” Chanyeol says. More precisely, pleads.

It’s Jongdae’s first time to see Chanyeol this vulnerable. Even when Chanyeol broke down due to his trauma, he managed to look cold and tough. But now, Chanyeol leaves his pride low on the ground as he looks at Jongdae’s eyes with hopeful eyes.

“I practiced it a lot with Yixing around. Secretly,” Chanyeol sighs and finally tears his eyes from Jongdae. Looking even more miserable while staring at his own hands on his knees. “When he’s eating takeouts, or laying on the bed, or when he’s working on some music sheets, or even when he’s in the bathroom. I can’t get myself to sing a tune at all. He’s the only person I trust the most, I know he will never judge me for who I’m yet I’m still scared,” Chanyeol elaborates.

Just then Jongdae figures out that Chanyeol doesn’t just want him to help with busking practice. Chanyeol wants to sing in front of him, not back to back but face to face. Jongdae doesn’t know if that will work with him since Chanyeol said it didn’t even work with Yixing. Jongdae also doesn’t know if he’s ready to face what will happen later.

“I’m really sorry, you don’t have to comply. I was just so frustrated,” Chanyeol says finally when Jongdae doesn’t reply anything for a long time. “It was bad enough that I force you to be in that box. It was stressing. When I heard your situation, I want to be out of the box, too” Chanyeol whimpers.

Jongdae’s stunned in his place. He senses a sob in Chanyeol’s voice and his heart clenches in pain. Jongdae never has trauma in his life, he doesn’t know how it feels. But to not be able to do something he wants to do must be very frustrating. Even more that it’s a hopeless case because trauma holds any chance for it to happen down.

Jongdae hesitantly reaches for Chanyeol’s hand. Jongdae realizes Chanyeol’s hand is so big that Jongdae needs to cup it with both hands. He then squeezes it lightly, drawing Chanyeol’s attention back at him.

When Chanyeol looks up with distress, Jongdae put on a small smile on his face. “I will help,” Jongdae says reassuringly. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself instead, you’re the one with the trauma and not me. Are you really going to be okay?” Jongdae asks in worry.

“I want this. I really want this and I need you for it,” Chanyeol says.

“I’m here,” Jongdae assures. He squeezes his hand on Chanyeol to prove his point in the simplest way. “Take it easy, we have plenty of time,” Jongdae says with a smile.

Then, Chanyeol takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes as his mouth slightly parts open. No words come out of those plump lips, no breath also coming out of his nostrils. Chanyeol is frozen in his spot as if he’s cursed.

If not for the cold sweat Jongdae feels on Chanyeol’s hand, Jongdae would think he’s dead. As promised, Jongdae squeezes Chanyeol’s hand to help Chanyeol puts himself together. It succeeds to make Chanyeol looks at Jongdae but his eyes turn red with unshed tears and sweat on his forehead. Chanyeol looks sick.

The view makes Jongdae concerned. His expressive eyebrows are naturally tutted together into a frown when he sees Chanyeol also starts to frown. Right, Chanyeol’s trauma includes wide glimmering eyes, tutted eyebrows, and disappointment. So Jongdae forces himself to smile.

Chanyeol is breathing heavily. His eyes look like he’s ready to snarl with more cold sweat on his temple. He tears his eyes from Jongdae, closes it tight while he gulps hard. It feels like Chanyeol is running a marathon with a fever, it really doesn’t look good.

I’m doing well, I don’t sleep much these days

Other than that everyday is almost the same

I still skip breakfast

I start my day by going to the coffee shop

Jongdae starts to sing a song he vaguely remembers the lyrics of. A closing song from yesterday’s busking. Letter by Jukjae.

It’s time for Chanyeol to sing, but Chanyeol is caught on his own world. Mouth parts and closes once again. No tune, no sound, no exhale from his lips.

Jongdae strokes Chanyeol’s hair slowly. Heart feels too much pain for Chanyeol that he can’t help himself but to do that. He would even hug Chanyeol if he’s not too afraid that an embrace will just suffocate Chanyeol even more. He stares into Chanyeol’s eyes, lips are forced to keep a smile.

Jongdae tries to calm himself down. He needs to, for Chanyeol. If he wants Chanyeol to feel comfortable and relax, Jongdae should be relaxed himself.

It’s odd these days, a lot has been going on in my head

Someone said I’m too sensitive lately

Love is still difficult

Looking at the old pictures in my phone, I spend my day

Chanyeol still tries hard to sing for even a verse, but tears flowing down his cheek instead. It must be hard for him. So Jongdae squeezes again his hand that intertwines Chanyeol’s sweaty one.

Because I know myself

It makes less sense

Cause more than a few times a day

I found myself looking back to those times

Seeing myself like this

Now I think I understand

I’m still at that place

I’m still there, same as before

Jongdae keeps on singing like his life depends on it. It almost feels like his prayers are also flying through the melody he sings. His hand still strokes Chanyeol’s wet hair while the other keeps holding Chanyeol’s hand.

Chanyeol is now full-on crying. Frustration wraps Chanyeol whole, letting him sink into the depressive hole. He slumps himself over, to his knees, enveloping their intertwined hands inside, close to his chest.

Jongdae is left to sing the rest of the song alone. With his free hand still stroking Chanyeol’s hair as a form of comfort and reassurance. He drapes his body forward, leaning onto Chanyeol’s back like they’re making a huge ball together.

It’s okay, Jongdae prays.

After seeing my day, how do you feel?

This really isn’t anything important

Maybe I should kept this to myself

Because time keeps flowing

I don’t feel as bad

I know I will eventually forget

I believe that day will come

“It’s okay,” Jongdae says in the end. “We have plenty of time. And I will always be here to help you. I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay,” Jongdae reassures.

— ♪ —

Saturday comes around as fast as other days goes by. The day of the second busking is here without Jongdae realizes it. He was busy splitting himself with work and practice, and even more practice for Chanyeol’s trauma. If he’s tired, bet Chanyeol is beaten up.

In the end, Chanyeol can make it to come out of his box by the second busking as Chanyeol wanted. Jongdae had to continuously assure Chanyeol that it’s okay. Process needs time for it to work out, furthermore for something as complicated as trauma. It’s not easy so it’s okay if it needs time.

Jongdae helps Chanyeol to put the busking equipments into the rented car at the apartment parking lot. He doesn’t bring his box this time, had already decided to sing without it. Jongdae looks at his blooming box longingly, a big calligraphy with curly latin alphabet stares back at Jongdae with elegance. A calligraphy Chanyeol did for him.

“You miss something?” Chanyeol calls Jongdae.

Jongdae shakes his head. “No. I’m really nervous, though” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol nods, “Me too,” he says.

Jongdae nods, he knows why Chanyeol’s nervous. They both are nervous for much or less the same thing. The busking today is placed at Marronnier Park, Daehakro, Ihwadong. In other words, it’s Chanyeol’s hometown.

For Chanyeol, it’s already the worst just to have to perform back at his old neighborhood. It’s also where his very first busking took place, the origin place of his trauma. Having to face his trauma on the previous days non-stop and face a failure everyday make the situation even worse.

For Jongdae, it’s as simple as some bubbles of message from Yixing. Which it simply said:

Yixing Hyung

You and Chanyeol were practicing to get Chanyeol out of his box, right? It means Chanyeol wants to get over with his trauma and I think this idea can help a little bit

I already planned this since I mentioned that you guys need to go to Marronnier

Can you please visit Chanyeol’s home? They didn’t change address so just ask Chanyeol. I’m sure he still remembers it as clearly as yesterday

I already told them that you /may/ come. All you need to do is just stay with him the whole time. Let Chanyeol handle the rest

I’m sure you guys can do it

I count on you, Dae. Please look after Chanyeol for me

The request is not simple at all.

Chanyeol still doesn’t know about the plan to visit his family. They still need to worry about the busking first, adding another burden on Chanyeol’s shoulder absolutely isn’t the best action to take. So they can think about it later.

Yixing said that they may come, had also underline it with two slashes caged the short word. So Jongdae takes it as a humble request, not an obligation. If Chanyeol doesn’t feel good after busking, they don’t have to come.

However, Jongdae wants to make good memories out of this so he will try his best to enjoy everything as if nothing can bother him, as if nothing can go wrong.

After one hour on the road, Jongdae and Chanyeol arrive at the park. It’s rather easy, since Chanyeol really knows the way as Yixing assumed he would be. Chanyeol navigates where he can park the car and walks in the park smoothly, dragging Jongdae at his side.

The park is quiet, not many people are roaming around. Probably they arrive too early, probably people have another place to enjoy the evening. Either way, it’s perfect too set up the busking now and wait.

Jongdae looks at his side only to find Chanyeol also does the same and their eyes meet. They both tear their gaze at the same time, but Jongdae has a blush threatening to creep up his cheek. In the end, Jongdae clears his throat. “How are you feeling?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I’m nervous but…” Chanyeol trails off. “I feel like crying, but also numb at the same time, how do you call that?” Chanyeol continues with a frown on his face when he turns to look at Jongdae.

“Wanna sit first? There are still not many people here anyway,” Jongdae offers.

“Sounds like a good idea. I packed some sandwich, you want to eat it now?” Chanyeol offers.

Jongdae’s eyes widen, “Sandwich?” he repeats enthusiastically. But then he shakes his head with a smile on his face. “I’m nervous, I’m afraid I would vomit, let’s eat later after busking. It must be good to release stress,” Jongdae says.

“Right. It’s even prettier here at night, you probably choose the best timing to relax,” Chanyeol replies.

Jongdae and Chanyeol keep wandering for a little bit until they find an empty bench and sit there. The seat arrangement in the park is really cute with small round benches, one big tree in the center and a bunch of abstract figures all over as the park’s attraction.

“You seem to come over here a lot back then,” Jongdae comments quietly.

Chanyeol doesn’t have to reply but he nods his head once. “They used to hold festivities here. You see the empty spot under the tree? That’s where we will perform. These benches will be their seat,” Chanyeol explains as he points the spot under the slim and tall tree and right beside a giant canopy.

“It feels like we’re having our own concert,” Jongdae comments.

“Right?” Chanyeol smiles.

Jongdae turns to Chanyeol once again, observing Chanyeol’s expression. Chanyeol looks way far too calm for someone who gets traumatized at this exact place. Jongdae doesn’t know if he whether prefers Chanyeol to just break down or be this calm. It’s scary either way.

“Are you really okay, Chan?” Jongdae asks, worried.

“I’m not. But I got you so I can manage,” Chanyeol says.

Doesn’t know what to do or respond, Jongdae reaches Chanyeol’s large hand and cups it with both hands. Just like a week before. That’s the only thing Jongdae can do if Chanyeol said he depend on Jongdae like that. Jongdae hopes it works.

Chanyeol smiles at Jongdae when he feels Jongdae’s palm on top of his hand. Showing both his dimples at Jongdae. He puts his other hand on top of Jongdae’s tiny hand and squeeze them a little. “Do you want to start now?” he asks.

“Only if you’re ready,” Jongdae says.

After some deep breaths, Jongdae and Chanyeol walk over under the tree hand in hand. They break away as easily as they intertwine hands in favor of setting the busking up. Speaker in right and left and Chanyeol’s box in in the center, slightly to the left to make room for Jongdae. As per usual, Jongdae starts to tape all the cables diligently while Chanyeol sets his guitar.

The sky is already reddish as Jongdae and Chanyeol finish their set up. The sun is about to set and many people walking around the park with their families or friends. Unlike the first day, no one has yet gather in front of Jongdae and Chanyeol yet despite the setting up screaming that they will perform something. It seems like people really have used to have festivities there that they hardly care anymore.

Jongdae and Chanyeol sing the first song, At That Time by Carnival, with only five people come and listen when they already reach half of the song. It’s still good to have audiences so after the first song ends, Jongdae greets the few people in front of him. Chanyeol is in the charge of speaking yesterday but since Jongdae has come out of the box, he thinks he should take over.

“Hi, good evening everyone. We’re two people with big dream and passion for music, I’m JD and here is my friend Loey. He’s a little shy so he needs to be in the box, say hi to my friend please?” Jongdae greets cheerfully.

“Hi,” the five people say out of sync and rather quietly, shy as well.

“Hi,” Chanyeol says from inside the box.

It makes Jongdae giggles as he and everyone there doesn’t expect Chanyeol to say something. “We’re here in hope to improve ourselves but we will also make sure to deliver good music to every one of you so I hope you enjoy our performance as well. Have a good evening,” Jongdae says.

As the time Jongdae finishes his speech, more people gather in front of the gig. Some of them are curious and some of them just want to watch some performance. Maybe it’s because of the few people, maybe it’s because of the sunset, but the atmosphere feels homey at the moment. It’s comfortable, and Jongdae hopes Chanyeol feels it too.

Jongdae introduced the next song, a medley consists of Shape of You by Ed Sheeran, Stoning by Lee Juck featuring Kim Jinpyo, and Spell by Paul Kim. He nods at the box for Chanyeol to start the music. A string of guitar once again roars through the speaker.

[Chanyeol]

The club isn't the best place to find a lover
So the bar is where I go
Me and my friends at the table doing shots
Drinking fast and then we talk slow
And you come over and start up a conversation with just me
And trust me I'll give it a chance now
Take my hand, stop, put Van the Man on the jukebox
And then we start to dance, and now I'm singing like

[Jongdae]

Girl, you know I want your love

Your love was handmade for somebody like me

Come on now follow my lead

I may be crazy don’t mind me

[Chanyeol]

Say, boy, let’s not talk too much

Grab on my waist and put that body on me

Come on now follow my lead

Come, come on now follow my lead

[Jongdae and Chanyeol]

I’m in love with the shape of you

We push and pull like a magnet do

Although my heart is falling too

I’m in love with your body

And last night you were in my room

And now my bedsheets smell like you

Everyday discovering something brand new

I’m in love with your body

[Jongdae]

Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I

[Chanyeol]

I’m in love with your body

[Jongdae]

Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I

[Chanyeol]

I’m in love with the shape of you

That’s when the guitar pace is changed. From the slightly beat-up tempo to something slower. Chanyeol is going to rap. Jongdae is too excited to see that coming so he turns his body to look at the box as if he can see through it.

[Chanyeol]

You are a different color from me
You used to sharpen the blade towards me
Cover my eyes with sweet words

One hand shake hands

The other hand clap with them
How do I know, put your hand away

f#ck it, what did you say
You listen to what you want to hear

You only believe what you want to believe

The truth is my sincerity
Whether it is real or fake
Whatever it is, you’re not interested

You already have an answer

[Jongdae]

Girl, you know I want your love

Your love was handmade for somebody like me

Come on now follow my lead

I may be crazy don’t mind me

[Chanyeol]

Say, boy, let’s not talk too much

Grab on my waist and put that body on me

Come on now follow my lead

Come, come on now follow my lead

The guitar changes again. It’s Chanyeol’s guitar solo time as well as a time for him to shine the brightest. They’re in Chanyeol’s hometown, so they planned to show off how well Chanyeol is while he’s leaving the town. It can be considered as a poor attempt, too, to layer Chanyeol’s trauma with proud.

In between the mad string, Jongdae starts to chant a mantra from Paul Kim’s song titled Spell. And the guitar eventually comes along.

[Jongdae]

You like me~

You like me~

You like me~

Um~ Umm mmhh~

Jongdae waves his hand to encourage the crowd do the same for Jongdae and Chanyeol. Despite how wide his smile is, no one is brave enough to do the same, just swaying their body right and left with the melody. And that’s more than enough.

Jongdae turns to Chanyeol with his big grin on his face. Eyes turn readily into crescents as he claps his hand lightly. At the end, his smile softens as he imagines how Chanyeol is doing inside.

[Jongdae]

I want to hide what’s getting hot

Place this spell on you baby

[Jongdae and Chanyeol]

You like me~

You like me~

You like me~

Um~ Umm mmhh~

You like me~

You like me~

You like me~

Um~ Umm mmhh~

The beat goes faster again and Jongdae jumps on his feet. Flying to the air as he and Chanyeol sing the ending part of Stoning by Lee Juck and Kim Jinpyo.

[Jongdae and Chanyeol]

Get up, hug and get up

Dust off, we’re on each other’s side

Hands up, reach out again

Hold it tight and take one step at a time

Get up, hug and get up

Dust off, we’re on each other’s side

Hands up, reach out again

Hold it tight and take one step at a time

[Chanyeol]

Please tell me you’re different from them

[Jongdae]

Dust off, we’re on each other’s side

[Chanyeol]

Hold my hand covered in scars again

[Jongdae]

Hold it tight and take one step at a time

The song ends in a very cheery and bright way. Jongdae looks over at Chanyeol’s box, smiling as he catches up his breath. He has a lot of fun and he hopes Chanyeol does too.

Jongdae and Chanyeol goes on and on with their song. The sun has completely set, replaced with a black sky without stars. Chanyeol said the park is even prettier in the night and he’s right. All the lamps in the park glows warm yellow, even the small round benches in front of Jongdae also turn yellow. It’s really pretty.

The last song, Insomnia by The Rose, once again hits different. It’s more emotional than usual. Maybe it’s because of Chanyeol, every song comes to have more meaning with the way Chanyeol sings it and everything that happens around them. Maybe it’s because of the warm yellow lights around them and the comfortable mood in the air.

Everyone in front of Jongdae either sways their bodies or huddles closer for warmth with their loved ones beside them. It’s such a lovely sight that makes the saturday night even more lovelier. For the first time Jongdae feels too ashamed that the busking should come to an end, he wants to sing more and more song to these people.

Jongdae looks at Chanyeol for the nth time, smiling a wide smile for also the nth time that evening. Rather than checking how Chanyeol is doing inside the box like before, his smile and stare now are trying to tell Chanyeol that he’s contented. Jongdae is happy and for some reason, Jongdae just wants to share that feeling with Chanyeol.

Jongdae and Chanyeol bid the audience goodbye. It takes a few minutes for them to leave Jongdae and Chanyeol alone. Probably they’re not too convinced that it’s really over because Jongdae doesn’t move to pack the things.

“Everyone is gone,” Jongdae says to signal Chanyeol but Chanyeol already walks out of the box.

Chanyeol stops right in front of Jongdae, his aura is laced heavily with unease. Jongdae tilts his head to the side, waiting for Chanyeol to say something but he doesn’t say anything. Then, Jongdae notices Chanyeol’s hand is trembling so Jongdae just smiles. Looking up with his arms wide open to invite Chanyeol in an embrace.

Chanyeol still doesn’t do anything but stare. He looks hesitant and when his eyes meet with Jongdae’s crescents, Chanyeol finally comes into Jongdae’s arms with clumsy steps. He buries his face in the crook of Jongdae’s neck as soon as his arms slid onto Jongdae’s back.

“You’ve worked hard,” Jongdae says while tapping Chanyeol’s lower back soothingly.

“You were amazing,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae was about to let Chanyeol go so they can communicate better but Chanyeol refuses that to happen just yet. If anything, Chanyeol is inhaling deep breath from Jongdae’s neck. Making Jongdae all red and flustered.

“Your voice was clear and cheerful, it was amazing as you always do. And then you also started to jump and everyone looks like bursting, too. You were really amazing,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae chuckles. “Stop acting tough. It should be me to compliment you, really I thought you wouldn’t make it but you did. You should know how amazing that is,” Jongdae says, amused.

“I almost didn’t. But you were so shining that I can’t see anything else but you,” Chanyeol says again.

“I told you, I should be the one praising you, not the other way around,” Jongdae chuckles again.

Chanyeol finally detaches himself from Jongdae. Looking Jongdae deadly in the eyes with a frown and a small pout. “But I tell you the truth,” Chanyeol complains.

“I didn’t say I don’t trust you,” Jongdae rebuts.

Chanyeol clicks his tongue in annoyance. He ruffles Jongdae’s hair and starts to pack the things up. Jongdae immediately follows behind Chanyeol and helps the latter with practiced move.

— ♪ —

The second day of busking is ended. Chanyeol had never felt this relieved before. Though he still can’t get out of the box, though he can’t prove to anyone that he’s capable of doing something. It doesn’t really matter right now, Chanyeol feels free.

Never in his life Chanyeol would imagine coming back to his hometown would be this easy. The ground that was once being a witness to his growing process and every pain, even to his deepest downfall of his life. Chanyeol has always imagined it would be hard, but it’s not really.

It’s not at all very easy, but manageable just fine. Chanyeol’s heart was beating too loud, every noise was almost deafening him. He also had barely breathe inside the box, playing the guitar and staying focus was the hardest. But Chanyeol managed to get through it.

And Chanyeol knows it’s all thanks to that one person.

Jongdae was smiling really brightly the whole time. He had also turned around rather frequently too, so Chanyeol can see his delighted face most of the time. It was mesmerizing as it has always been with Jongdae. But it was also beautiful.

That was the first time for Chanyeol to see Jongdae singing. Being always practice back to back or busy to calm himself down while his trauma kicked in, Chanyeol had never gotten a chance to see Jongdae shines like that when the guy sings. Jongdae was incredible, his stage presence was honest and pure of joy that everyone else, Chanyeol included, was engulfed in his persona.

Nothing can describe how pretty Jongdae shined earlier. The yellowish sunset hit his hair and high cheekbones like he’s an angel himself. Jongdae’s tiny body that danced with enthusiasm, making his hoodie flied into the air along with his tiny feet.

Jongdae is mesmerizing, but in a good way, Chanyeol had realized.

Now, Chanyeol and Jongdae are eating the sandwich Chanyeol bring. While staring into the night, finally being the enjoyer of the night and not the performer anymore. It’s the park’s turn to be the performer with its dimmed yellow lamps and trees.

“Channie,” Jongdae calls.

Maybe Chanyeol was too deep into his thought, his heart beats crazily at the call. “Yes?” Chanyeol replies in reflex.

Jongdae looks nervous. He’s playing with his hoodie paw and his eyes holds Chanyeol’s thighs intensely. It makes Chanyeol nervous too. And then, suddenly, Jongdae looks up with a slightly narrowed eyes. “Channie, would you want to visit your home?” Jongdae asks hesitantly.

It was like dropping a bomb. Chanyeol’s world suddenly stops spinning at that question. Because, “Why?” Chanyeol voices it out.

“To reconcile. With your past,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol only stares at Jongdae, thinking hard. If Chanyeol was asked the same question yesterday, he would instantly say no. Even if Jongdae asked the question when they just arrived at the park, Chanyeol would still say no. But the busking happened and Chanyeol finds himself pondering the question over.

Chanyeol doesn’t want to go home, that’s for sure. More than the home itself, or anything, Chanyeol still doesn’t want to meet the people living in it. It was no home for a long time for Chanyeol. Even when Chanyeol was living inside it, it had become a chokehold half-way through it.

But Jongdae is here with him, so Chanyeol is contemplating hard. Brows furrow in deep argument of pros and cons inside his head. Because if Jongdae’s gonna be there, too, meeting his parents doesn’t sound too terrible anymore. As crazy as it sounds.

Just like earlier when Chanyeol had to play his guitar alone. When everything was suffocating with cold sweat and quick breaths. Jongdae was chanting a song and it had prevented Chanyeol to crumble down.

You like me~

You like me~

You like me~

Um~ umm mmhh~

The melody and Jongdae’s voice had made Chanyeol’s heart stopped beating and his world stopped moving. Unlike before, the flashbacks aren’t chasing Chanyeol that time so it was perhaps a good kind of heart-throb. And now, Chanyeol’s heart stops again as his surrounding becomes quiet with only Jongdae in front of him. Staring expectantly.

I want to hide what’s getting hot

Place this spell on you baby

You like me~

You like me~

You like me~

Um~ Umm mmhh~

“Chan? Channie!” Jongdae snaps Chanyeol out of his stupor. It may be too obvious on Chanyeol’s face how troubled he is that Jongdae frowns a little bit. “We don’t have to go. I’m sorry, I was just asking. You’ve worked hard enough today, we can go back” Jongdae says again.

Chanyeol still can’t seem to find his words even after a long silence. Suddenly, he feels a gentle touch on his head and Jongdae is stroking his hair again. Tiptoeing a little to reach Chanyeol’s head.

Chanyeol closes his eyes, bending his limp forward a little so Jongdae’s hand can reach his head easier. He eventually sighs. “You can decide,” Chanyeol says as he flutters his eyes open. Seeing Jongdae is stunned in his place, Chanyeol repeats, “Decide for me. As long as you’re going, I’m gong too” Chanyeol says.

Chanyeol is lost too far already, he himself knows that. Barely half an hour ago. But it’s the spell in Jongdae’s eyes, smile, and presence in general. Chanyeol believes that everything can be okay as long as he’s with Jongdae. Chanyeol has come to trust him that far.

So here Chanyeol is, driving to the place he used to dread the most until ten minutes ago. He probably still dreads his parent’s home but he also has Jongdae’s hand to once again stroke his arm, so Chanyeol can tolerate the ride. It won’t be long, after another turn in 300 meters and go for another 500 meters, Chanyeol will be able to find a white house with a brown gate. If they haven’t recolor the house, that is.

Jongdae was on the phone for a brief moment. Messaging Yixing, he said. Jongdae lets Chanyeol know every detail, and he’s grateful for the piece of information. Jongdae said Yixing had reached Chanyeol’s family beforehand and Jongdae was informing Yixing that both of them decided to come so Yixing can pass the words.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what he will do or say if he meets his parents yet. The whole ten minutes ride can’t give him any answer. It instead gives Chanyeol anxiety as his fingers don’t stop knocking the wheel and one of his legs doesn’t stop shaking.

After parking his car in front of the familiar house, now painted with beige color, Chanyeol takes his time to shut his eyes for a moment. Calming himself down with millions scenarios in his head, trying to predict how his parents will act. If he’s lucky, his parents would probably really acting Chanyeol’s scenarios and Chanyeol can be ready with the answer.

“Don’t feel pressured, Chan,” Jongdae’s voice comes.

The worry in Jongdae’s tune makes Chanyeol opens his eyes. “I don’t,” Chanyeol quickly denies. “I trust you and you’re here to take the consequences if it’s needed but I’m scared,” Chanyeol adds.

“I think we need a code,” Jongdae says a moment later.

“Hm? What code?” Chanyeol turns his body at Jongdae in confusion.

Chanyeol’s full attention makes Jongdae turns slightly away. His hand also falls to his own knees, not stroking Chanyeol’s arm anymore. Jongdae’s still avoiding Chanyeol and it’s full on Chanyeol to blame. “In case you gets uncomfortable, you can give me a gesture and I will make up excuses to get us out,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol’s eyes mirror Jongdae’s, it falls at his own laps. “I’ll scratch my neck if I get uncomfortable. Not at the nape, but in front. Like this. I’ll definitely need your help if I do this,” Chanyeol says. Showing Jongdae a gesture of his hand scratching his adam apple like he’s trying to choke himself. It’s a gesture of frustration Chanyeol had back in his teenage days, he’s not doing that anymore now.

“Okay,” Jongdae says. “Tell me if you’re ready to go out,” Jongdae continues.

It needs exactly five minutes for Chanyeol to go out of the car. He keeps taking a deep breath as he walks to the gate. Every step he takes make Chanyeol feel terrible at himself for finding it difficult. Chanyeol doesn’t think anyone has it as difficult as him to visit their parent’s house. It makes Chanyeol realize how fucked up their bond is.

Chanyeol turns to look at Jongdae again, who is standing readily on Chanyeol’s side with a big and reassuring smile on his sunny face. “Can you press the bell for me?” Chanyeol asks. Voice low and as neutral as he tries.

With the same sunshine-y face, Jongdae shakes his head. “No, I need you to do that yourself. If it’s really hard for you, we can always go back” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol sighs, disappointed and relieved at the same time. Jongdae’s right, he needs to do this himself so he won’t blame it to anyone else for whatever will happen. Because Chanyeol chooses it himself. Chanyeol’s glad Jongdae has that much sense in him to protect himself.

Of course Jongdae is clever, he’s a teacher after all.

Chanyeol tries to kick aside his anxiety but his vision becomes blur. His heart beats crazily fast that it feels like an earthquake is happening right here and now. His hazy sight comes back in a flashing pictures of black and white.

The house in front of Chanyeol, white and unblemished. Chanyeol with white shirt, a tie, and blue pants. A black backpack on his shoulders. Then, a deafening sound of guitar strings, wooden being broke apart, a yell.

“Have you tried even for once to not disappoint us?”

“I lost hope in you. It’s my fault for expecting something from you in the first place”

The same whisper haunts Chanyeol’s head once again. Short breaths. A scream, Chanyeol doesn’t know whose that is. Probably his. A scream that he never let out.

And then comes two shadows. It’s not tall, but it towers over Chanyeol easily. Two eyes that are supposed to be round, becomes sharp in the edges. Mouths vomiting a bunch of red letters to the air.

“He’s just Chanyeol. He never makes us proud”

“He’s a shame to the family,”

I wish you told me

‘Hold onto me’

I’ll be reluctant

To turn back

The memories that I thought I’d forgotten

It devours me

Where are you now?

A melody creeps into Chanyeol’s head. So suddenly that it takes Chanyeol out of his deepest illusion. Bringing him back to the now beige house. With a pair of arms linked around his body. Desperate to reach out with his tiny palms forming into little fists: protective, upset.

Chanyeol was crying. He just realizes it now. Jongdae was singing again, a voice so heartbroken and sorrowful.

Chanyeol’s heart still beats like crazy but now he can kind of grasp his surrounding. A little bit swirling, but he can make a move to put his hand on Jongdae’s back. Stroking him.

“I’m okay” Chanyeol says. Quiet, barely a whisper.

“You’re not,” Jongdae says without looking at Chanyeol. “You don’t lie to me, Chan” he says again.

“I’m not. Really,” Chanyeol fights back.

At that, Jongdae distances himself from Chanyeol and looks at Chanyeol with an angry frown. “I can literally hear your heartbeat, Chan. I told you, you don’t lie to me. We’ll go back,” Jongdae says, commanding.

Just go away (Jongdae: stay here in my heart)

Just go away (Jongdae: stay here in my heart)

I don’t know me

I’m standing somewhere in the shaking ground

It’s just that I already passed you

Jongdae doesn’t sing anymore, but the song keeps playing inside Chanyeol’s head. In his voice, the closing song from the busking earlier titled Insomnia by The Rose, as if it tries to give him strength. It maybe works, now that his world is dancing along with the melody. The lyrics trying to invite Chanyeol in a conversation.

“I wasn’t lying, Dae. We’re here already, help me to not running away from this again. You want me to make a settlement with my past, right? Just like our face-to-face singing practice, help me to not running away,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae’s frown is eased for a little. But it’s still there, debating. “Are you sure with this? I know I kind of forcing you but as I said, we can always go back,” Jongdae says.

“Did I scratch me neck?” Chanyeol asks back. “You give me a code to work with, did you see me drawing back?” he asks again.

Jongdae scowls harder. He reaches Chanyeol’s cheeks to dry the tears away. His hand lingers, longer, and they stare into each other’s eyes for the longest time they had ever done. There’s something stuck in Jongdae’s throat, Chanyeol can see that.

I can’t sleep

But Jongdae doesn’t say it.

I’m left alone, time goes by, time goes by

I can’t stop thinking about you

Even if it’s a nightmare or a dream

I want to see you

Just go away

Just go away

With the stretched second, Chanyeol comes to want to say something, too.

I don’t know me

I’m standing somewhere in the shaking ground

It’s just that I already passed you

I can’t sleep (grab onto me)

I can’t sleep (I’m going back)

Chanyeol even wants to do something, too.

I know it’s over

What do you want me to do?

Chanyeol breaks the moment with pressing the bell. It makes Jongdae snaps and takes a few step back from Chanyeol. Chanyeol takes Jongdae’s hand and squeezes it a little. Smiling contentedly to Jongdae.

It’s not a reassurance. It’s a letter. Of the things Chanyeol wants to say but can’t. Just like earlier when Chanyeol was hypnotized with Jongdae’s chanting. It’s the same letter.

A slim and pretty woman is coming out to greet Chanyeol and Jongdae at the sound of the bell. Her hair is wavy brown and her eyes are as big as Chanyeol’s. It used to be a ‘girl’ to describe her, but now it’s ‘woman’. A completely independent and mature one at that.

Aside from her fashion sense, his sister’s appearance doesn’t change much so Chanyeol greets her. Awkwardly. “Nuna,” Chanyeol says his greeting.

“Chanyeol,” Chanyeol’s sister greets back with a wide toothy smile. “When I heard you will come, I immediately took a plane here. It’s been a really long time since we meet,” she says happily.

“Yeah,” is all Chanyeol gives. Though he’s curious where she lives now if she needs to take a plane to Seoul, Chanyeol doesn’t let anyone hear the question out of his mouth.

Chanyeol’s sister turns to Jongdae. Her eyes bright and shimmering like she’s looking at an old friend. “And who is this?” she asks.

Jongdae and Chanyeol share another glance. None of them saying a thing so in the end, Jongdae introduces himself. “I’m Jongdae, Chanyeol’s friend. Nice to meet you,” Jongdae smiles politely while offering his hand to shake.

“What a nice guy. I’m Yura, nice to meet you too,” Chanyeol’s sister, Yura, says as she shakes Jongdae’s hand. “Come on in. Have both of you eaten?” Yura asks, looking at Jongdae expectantly but Jongdae looks at Chanyeol to look for an answer.

“We have,” Chanyeol and Jongdae say and the same time.

Yura just smiles. She guides Chanyeol and Jongdae into the house. Gesturing the sofa for them to sit on. “I’ll call mom and father,” she informs.

Once Yura disappears behind the curtain, Chanyeol lets out a long sigh. It was hard, Chanyeol was having a hard time to breathe that he needs to constantly remind himself. But it’s still okay. Chanyeol was expecting his parents to immediately greet him at the gate so it’s ten times better than that.

When Chanyeol’s parents come to the living room with a neutral face, Chanyeol almost forgets to breathe again. Both of his parents look old now, some of their hair now turned into white strands. They sit on the sofa right in front of Chanyeol.

“What makes you come now after years of neglect?” Chanyeol’s father cuts straightly to the chase.

“I thought you will eventually come back home, Chanyeol. At such that young age, you really run away from home. I was worried. How’s your life?” Chanyeol’s mom says.

All the eyes are staring into Chanyeol, waiting for an answer. It’s suffocated Chanyeol, to be honest. He feels like snapping just so they won’t lay eyes on him again. Even Jongdae’s eyes feel disturbing in a way they never make Chanyeol feels before.

“I just feel like visiting. It’s been seven years, I think it’s just the right time to see you again,” Chanyeol answers as nonchalantly as he can muster. Acting tough like he always does.

“I’m glad you think so. It’s really nice to see you again,” Chanyeol’s mom says.

“What do you do for living?” Chanyeol’s father asks.

Chanyeol’s heart beats obnoxiously at the question. Whispers of red words and mocking tone comes into his ears once again. Chanyeol bites his lower lip hard and his hands clenching tight.

“Music of course. I threw my life away, just as well do everything I want to do,” Chanyeol answers.

Chanyeol’s father gives Chanyeol an acknowledgement nod. “That’s right. It’s so you to do so,” he remarks.

Chanyeol clenches his fist harder. It feels like he’s still under his father’s palms when he’s not anymore. It pulls all Chanyeol’s hair off his head, frustrated.

“You managed to stay away, I guess it’s doing pretty well for you. That’s good,” Chanyeol’s father says again. It doesn’t make Chanyeol feel any better.

“It’d be really nice if I can see you at the television or social media? To make sure you’re not eaten by the earth,” Chanyeol’s mom encounters. “Now that I can see you live well by your own, though, so that’s all fine. Right, father?” she says again, looking at her husband on her side who’s nodding his head once.

Chanyeol doesn’t say a word and the conversation swipes to Jongdae. They talk for a long while, formalities and casual silence filling exchanges. About Jongdae’s age, Jongdae’s job at the orphanage, and how Jongdae met Chanyeol.

It becomes unbearable. Chanyeol refuses to talk, his family doesn’t say anything to him, and Jongdae may feel very overwhelmed by the questions already. Seeing nothing can keep them staying anymore, Chanyeol offers Jongdae to leave.

It’s really a short visit. They probably haven’t even been inside it for one hour but it’s maybe already enough. Neither Chanyeol’s parents or his sister stop Chanyeol for going nonetheless.

“Visit us again if you have time,” Chanyeol’s father says. “And we’re sorry, for blocking you from what you want to do. We had principles to maintain, we still have it until now. But it doesn’t matter anymore, does it” a deadly statement comes out of Chanyeol’s father’s mouth. At least he sounds sincere, though cold.

“Another time you visit, I’ll cook your favorites, galbi and tonkatsu, so make sure you didn’t eat yet beforehand,” Chanyeol’s mom says, finally smiling heartily. She looks a lot like her children now, with a wide toothy grin from ear to ear.

“I’ll see them leave,” Yura says, which the father and mom nod to.

Chanyeol’s father and mom are going inside, closing the white door and Yura is now walking Chanyeol and Jongdae out of the small yard. “Do you mind if we talk again for a bit? I have something to say without our parent’s eyes” Yura says.

Sensing the hint, Jongdae looks at Chanyeol. “Do you want me to leave you both alone? I won’t be far, just in the car,” he says.

Chanyeol looks back at Jongdae with a deep frown. He was gonna decline Jongdae’s absence, but Yura already does that for him. Saying that Jongdae’s okay to stay, that she has a few words for him too. It doesn’t make Chanyeol feel any better.

They three walk to the side of the rented car to talk. It doesn’t take Yura a long time to start the talk, absolutely wasting no time. It’s probably a strict habit she took from their father, not it’s just because Yura doesn’t want to bug Chanyeol and Jongdae any longer since they don’t want to stay anymore.

Either way, it’s good for Chanyeol. He can’t really do small talk.

“Mom and father are genuinely wishing for you to come again once in a while, Chanyeol” Yura says. “They really feel sorry for what they make you feel, though it doesn’t mean that they will change rules and values for you. They still will drill you into a white collar’s life. But you already cut the ties, living completely on your own, so only the blood is remained,” Yura says again.

“Sending them text is more than enough if visiting isn’t even one of your options,” Yura adds.

“Giving them texts is also not one of my options. The only option I have for them is whether to forgive them or not. It’s been hell no matter it’s with or without them, Nuna, I hate my life,” Chanyeol answers coldly.

Yura sighs. “At least now you know that they have completely no power over you anymore. It’s clear. You don’t have to treat them like they’re your parents anymore and they won’t put their burden on you anymore. Know it well and I hope you live happily with your partner,” Yura states.

“You don’t understand,” Chanyeol spits, looking away from his sister.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s more important that you got yourself someone kind and lovely to take care of you. I really hope you’re what I mentioned earlier, Jongdae” Yura says again.

Chanyeol clicks his tongue in annoyance at that. Not giving any room for any nonsense from his sister. Also blocking Jongdae for the trouble of giving any response. All at once.

But before Chanyeol can say anything, Jongdae holds Chanyeol’s wrist to stop him from talking. In turn for that, he says instead, “I will happily look for Chanyeol for you, Nunim. But as you may already notice, Chanyeol is actually doing pretty well on his own. I think you don’t need to worry about him.”

Yura smiles at Jongdae’s words. “You just proved me right. I’m glad you’re a nice guy, Jongdae. Not like someone I used to know,” Yura turns his gaze at Chanyeol, making it as sharp as possible while looking at his little brother.

“But you know, I mean, it’s not just about that. I really wish for you both to be happy together for the longest time. I watched your performance, you know, I’m not blind” Yura says, making both Chanyeol and Jongdae tense up. “I honestly never thought Chanyeol would be with a man but then again, I never knew anything about him. Now that he’s far away I’m sure many things do also change,” Yura says again.

Seeing neither Chanyeol or Jongdae want to say anything, Yura adds her speech. “You both looked really happy and free, it was really such a sight. Even some people around me were also wondering if you guys are partners or was it just a casual bromance. You two have a really incredible and strong chemistry going on, even now, if I have to say.”

Chanyeol and Jongdae look at each other with panic in their face but faint pink creeps on their cheeks. Neither wants to deny, but also neither wants to believe what Yura had said. They simply perplexed, not knowing what to do or what to say with the statement.

Yura observes the look in Chanyeol’s and Jongdae’s face, a frown forming deeply in the end. “Why are you guys making such a face? I’m not judging. It’s absolutely not my business if it makes you happy,” Yura says.

Yura narrows her eyes. “Or, don’t tell me…” she trails off. “It’s no way you guys still haven’t settle the issue, right?” she accuses.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what’s on his face or what Yura finds on his face, but she’s gaping widely. “Impossible. When it’s already as clear as the sky tonight? What’s stopping you guys? Does Jongdae have an arranged marriage with someone else?” Yura asks frantically.

The last question makes Chanyeol looks at Jongdae with big wide eyes. Demanding an answer instantly from how big his eyes are turning to.

Chanyeol’s glare makes Jongdae gapes even wider in fluster. “N-No! No, no! You… You’re taking it too far, Nunim” Jongdae denies bashfully, his face turns completely red under the attack.

“So what? Despite my lacking experience of seeing a gay couple together, I can recognize those fondly stares you have for each other. I told you, I’m not blind,” Yura insists.

In the end, Yura sighs again. “I saw it all, you know. Before you came in, at the front of the gate. Our parents also saw it, we all know it. You both were so affectionate towards each other, I’m ready to swear to God that it’s not the way how friends are supposed to behave,” Yura drops another bomb easily. Or rather frustratedly at how poor Chanyeol and Jongdae take it.

Chanyeol and Jongdae looks at each other again. Hesitantly. Trying to read what’s on each other’s mind. Then, Jongdae tears his gaze from Chanyeol again.

Chanyeol suppresses a sigh. “Whatever it is, it’s our business to take care of. You said our parents know it, what do they plan now with it?” Chanyeol asks his sister.

“Nothing,” Yura says. “As I said, they don’t have any power over you so just do what you want to do. And as long as you’re happy, I don’t mind anything about what you do either,” Yura elaborates.

“Well… That’s good, then,” Chanyeol mumbles.

Yura smiles. “We’re harsh, but we definitely don’t hate you, Chanyeol,” she says.

“I’ll get going,” Chanyeol announces.

“Have a safe trip back and I hope you settle your relationship, ambiguity isn’t a good thing” Yura says her goodbye. Tapping Chanyeol’s broad shoulder and waving her way back to the house.

Chanyeol and Jongdae climb up the car. Awkward.

But for Chanyeol, he also strangely feels relieved. He’s smiling as he drives the car out of the residential area and to the highway. Leaving his house farther like leaving his terrible past behind. He feels nice and liberated.

— ♪ —

Chanyeol decides to spend the night at a hotel nearby and Jongdae follows. It’s a really long day even for Jongdae so he won’t take the rest away from Chanyeol. Jongdae isn’t gonna lie, he will also appreciate it if he can get the rest as faster as possible.

Chanyeol works hard today. From all the driving, busking, and meeting his parents, all in one day. It must be a hella ride of emotional swirl and energy sucker. Jongdae feels terribly sorry for Chanyeol but he doesn’t know what to do to make up for it. Not when Chanyeol is so eerily quiet like nothing had happened.

“You don’t mind to share a bed, right?” Chanyeol asks.

“What?” Jongdae was diving too deep into his thought that he jumps at Chanyeol’s sudden words. “Oh, I mean, yes. Why? They don’t have any more room left?” classic. It’s not even ten pm yet and they don’t have big day going on anytime soon, Jongdae doubts the hotel would be packed. Though he can never be sure about it.

“No. I didn’t ask about it honestly, so I don’t know,” Chanyeol easily answers. “It’s just since we’re both boys, I immediately go for a room instead of two. Moreover, you ought to console me after everything that had happened, am I wrong?” Chanyeol explains nonchalantly as if it’s expected to be like that.

Chanyeol’s words make Jongdae wonder, though. After discovering Jongdae’s gayness affection towards Chanyeol from Yura, Chanyeol acts like they’re bro that would definitely never go romantic. It sounds so homophobic in Jongdae’s opinion. Or it’s just Chanyeol’s way to subtly reject Jongdae’s gayness.

Jongdae shrugs his assumptions away in the end. Chanyeol was right, the taller man deserves to be consoled. Since he was demanding, maybe Chanyeol has an idea of how he wants to be cheered up.

Jongdae and Chanyeol ride the elevator to the fifth floor. They only stop walking after they reach a room with number 216 on the door. Chanyeol swipes a card and the door is unlocked.

Once inside, Jongdae is immediately greeted by the queen sized bed on the left. Dominating the room with its large presence. Jongdae almost chokes on nothing when he sees that, feeling impossibly intimidated.

In front of the queen sized bed, is a drawer and a TV. Then, in the far end of the room is a wide curtain, probably hiding a big glass window behind it. There’s a dining table for two in front of the curtain and at the other end of it is a bathroom.

The room looks too perfect for only one night, but at the same time also just as perfect to have a very very fitful rest.

Jongdae wants to throw his aching body onto the bed, despite feeling intimidated by the big thing earlier. But Chanyeol already does that for him. Beating Jongdae for still being at the doorway.

Chanyeol moans loudly when his body meets the softness of the bed cover. Must be good for him. “I don’t want to shower,” Chanyeol whines.

“Please do, you probably stink,” Jongdae sarcastically barks. His feet are now officially in the hotel room, walking to put his not-so-little clutch bag beside Chanyeol’s tote bag on the drawer.

When Jongdae turns around, he sees Chanyeol actually pouting at him. “So do you. Just shower first, then,” Chanyeol says back.

“Will do, I’m a clean person,” Jongdae says, walking readily to the bathroom.

“Sounds like a bullshit to me,” Chanyeol comments.

“Hey, I really am!” Jongdae yells, pretty much offended.

Chanyeol laughs. “Sure, sure. I believe you, just take a shower before I start to doze off,” he says.

Jongdae doesn’t say anything to that, just walking to the bathroom to shower. Though Chanyeol’s laugh succeeds to make him smile a little. Showing a perfect kitten curl on both sides of his lips.

“Uh, Channie? Are you sleep already?” Jongdae shouts from the bathroom after some while. His voice is echoing all over the hotel room.

“Not yet, why? Come out quickly if you finish showering,” Chanyeol yells back. He sounds so lazy, definitely feeling too comfortable on the bed.

“They don’t have a towel here, can you look it up for me? Probably in the drawer,” Jongdae shouts again.

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything for a moment. Jongdae was about to call for him again when Chanyeol’s voice comes again. “Okay, wait,” Chanyeol says. It doesn’t take a long time for Jongdae to be able to hear a knocking on the bathroom door. “Here,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae opens the door to find a large hand stretched backward. Chanyeol is facing away from the bathroom and it makes Jongdae slightly relieved. He extends his bare arm to take the white towel from Chanyeol, whispering a ‘thanks’ afterwards.

When Jongdae comes out of the bathroom, he finds Chanyeol sits on the edge of the bed. Another white towel is ready on his shoulder. “Oh, you wash your hair. Isn’t it cold?” Chanyeol asks.

“They have heater, Chan. It’s not cold,” Jongdae amuses.

“I know that,” Chanyeol complains which Jongdae laughs to. Chanyeol also chuckles, picking up the latter’s wickedness to tease. “I’ll take a shower, don’t sleep before me” Chanyeol says as he walks to the bathroom.

Jongdae gives a salute gesture to Chanyeol.

There’s something different about Chanyeol. He acts normal, just as usual, but he also starts to make a banter with Jongdae. It’s not too obvious so Jongdae doesn’t know if it’s real or just him imagining things.

Jongdae opens the curtain a little, just so he can slip his body behind it. Watching the night view from the hotel in his sudden little secret base. He likes nature the best, but living surrounded by the buildings all the time makes Jongdae start to appreciate the city. It has its own indescribable charm, Jongdae admits.

A soft voice of a door opening startles Jongdae out of his serenity. He almost knocks his head to the thick glass because of that. He hurriedly wriggles himself out from behind the curtain, shocking Chanyeol.

“What are you doing there?” Chanyeol asks, perplexed.

“Watching the night,” Jongdae simply answers.

“You know you can just slid it open, right?” Chanyeol asks again. “You sure have a weird way to look out the window,” he adds, stroking his wet hair harshly with a towel.

“How are you feeling?” Jongdae asks.

Chanyeol frowns for a moment, then walks to sit on the edge of the bed. At the time he faces Jongdae, his frown disappears. “You ask that question an awfully lot, you’re not my therapist,” Chanyeol says.

Picking Chanyeol’s relax composure, Jongdae sits himself on one of the dining chairs. “Absolutely not,” Jongdae agrees in an instant. “But you also want to get consoled so I open a special heart-to-heart session for you,” Jongdae adds.

Chanyeol chuckles. “That’s what I exactly terrible at,” he comments.

“I know,” Jongdae teases. “I can’t believe you just fell into your sister words when she said I have an arranged marriage,” he elaborates. “Don’t act like you didn’t, I saw the look in your eyes,” Jongdae adds again.

“Wait, that’s… It’s… Who knows! You also have this Kyungsoo guy around all the time. How can I know?” Chanyeol defends himself.

Jongdae scoffs in disbelief. “Are you serious? Kyungsoo? You have a really terrible sense at picking any detail on how someone feels. Baekhyun practically calls him ‘bae’ to mark his man to the world and you assume me to have something with his boyfriend?” Jongdae amuses.

“If Baekhyun knows this, he will appear at your door with firecrackers after calling off my deposit money from the landlord,” Jongdae adds an exaggerated detail. “Please. It’s already bad with him being in the Australia for study. Let’s not make it worse for everyone’s sake,” he adds again.

“Oh, really?” is the only reaction Chanyeol gives. He then whispers with a pout, “I don’t know,” he says.

“So, do you not want to talk about today with me?” Jongdae asks again, turning back to the topic.

“Let’s lay down first. We’re tired and my lame story would make you drift off anyway,” Chanyeol suggests, making Jongdae panic internally.

Jongdae will never be able to focus if they lay down. First, no matter how awake he feels right now, Jongdae can’t guarantee he can keep opening his eyes if he meets the bed. And last, being in such a close proximity with Chanyeol will definitely never make the situation any better.

It’s cheating. Jongdae should listen to how Chanyeol feels, to console him, but Chanyeol seems to incline in making him sleep instead. In that matter, Jongdae will either not survive the sleepiness or Chanyeol’s charm. Both aren’t good.

“Aren’t I supposed to listen to you?” Jongdae decides to say it out loud.

“You’re also supposed to sleep. Kids don’t stay awake after ten,” Chanyeol says, chuckling when he sees Jongdae’s expression at his last sentence. “Come on, a cuddle is all I need from you for the night,” Chanyeol says again as he climbs up the bed. Rolling his body to make space for Jongdae to get onto the bed as well.

Chanyeol taps the empty spot in front of him. A smile on his face. A smile that looks too genuine to be paired up with the suggestive gesture.

Jongdae sighs in defeat. Quickly getting onto the bed and tucking himself under the cover. Which Chanyeol impulsively follows.

After getting under the cover, Chanyeol slides closer to Jongdae. Arms naturally hug Jongdae even closer. “I don’t actually feel the need to rant tonight,” Chanyeol starts. “After knowing that they won’t do anything to me, and that I don’t have to disappoint them again, I feel incredulously free,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae hums to signal that he’s listening.

“They even know that I’m maybe into guys but they still want to get in touch with me somehow. It’s so much relieving, you won’t understand,” Chanyeol sighs, placing his chin on Jongdae’s head.

Jongdae can feel his heartbeat pumping too fast in his chest. Jongdae knows how clingy Chanyeol can be whenever he’s down, the strokes Jongdae had to give him to get Chanyeol back to his senses were prove. But this, trapped inside Chanyeol’s arms in a bed with their bodies pressed together, is way too intimate for Jongdae’s liking. He ends up just giving Chanyeol a nod, not trusting his voice to not crack if he says anything from his throat.

“There’s one thing bugging my mind, though,” Chanyeol says. He draws his head back, looking into Jongdae’s redden face intensely.

“Yeah?” Jongdae asks when Chanyeol doesn’t say anything. The stare in Chanyeol’s eyes is too piercing and intimidating. He finds himself lowering his head instead. Resulting in Jongdae facing Chanyeol’s chest, not so clever idea.

“You’re doing it again,” Chanyeol says.

“Hm?” Jongdae was just humming when large fingers land on his chin. Lifting Jongdae’s head back up to face Chanyeol’s unchanging intensive stare. Jongdae’s face burns.

“Can I have you looking into my eyes again?” Chanyeol calmly asks. “You know, with everything being settled, I don’t think it will bring back my trauma again. It’s still mesmerizing though, but nothing harmful,” Chanyeol states.

There’s this unknown glint in Chanyeol’s eyes. Dark and intense, asking for an instant compliance. He’s not up for debate and only that Jongdae realizes how much Chanyeol wants it to happen. Chanyeol had hoped for it when he wished upon the hypothetical shooting star weeks ago, he’s been serious about it all along.

Jongdae wants to grant Chanyeol’s wish, but he’s also scared. It’s barely a day since Chanyeol settled things with his family. How can Jongdae know if it really won’t be hurtful for Chanyeol? He doesn’t want to take the risk.

“Tomorrow will be our last busking journey. I feel like I can sing outside of the box now, will you help me with it in the morning?” Chanyeol decides to say, changing the topic easily.

“I will,” Jongdae easily complies.

Chanyeol smiles at the answer. Chanyeol doesn’t originally smile often but Jongdae can sense that the small smile he’s seeing right now is deflated. Though Chanyeol says, “That’s enough for now,” it feels sad.

— ♪ —

Jongdae wakes up with not only long arms and limbs on him, but also his arms and limbs on someone else. Jongdae has never been one to cuddle in his sleep, he would rather slap or kick anyone with his arms and legs since he sleeps like a starfish. But he finds himself tangled rather tightly with Chanyeol’s body, arms and legs pressed beneath Chanyeol’s long ones.

Chanyeol seems like he’s still sleeping. Breath tickles Jongdae’s face every time Chanyeol exhales. It looks like the taller guy is still in a very deep sleep.

Jongdae doesn’t get any sense of what time it is right now. The closed curtain behind Jongdae is slightly glowing, telling Jongdae that the sun is already high in the sky. Jongdae’s trying to slip off of the bed to get his phone in his bag, but Chanyeol squeezes him tighter with his limbs. Chanyeol even groans quietly while doing so.

Jongdae will just readily indulge himself in more sleep if he isn’t threatened by his own morning wood. It’s nothing strange for a guy to have a morning wood but it’s embarrassing. Jongdae definitely doesn’t want Chanyeol to feel them since their bodies are pressed together.

“You’re awake?” Chanyeol’s voice is raspy and lazy. “It’s probably still seven in the morning, why don’t you just sleep again?” he whines more.

“Sorry, it’s always hard for me to go back to sleep once I’m wide awake,” Jongdae says, half the truth.

“Okay,” Chanyeol says, letting go of his arms and legs from Jongdae. He sits up immediately then yawning while stretching his limbs. His eyes are yet to open, clearly still sleep-deprived.

“You can continue your sleep, though” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol smiles. “It’s okay. If you’re awake then I’m too,” Chanyeol says. “You know, I think I would want to be alarmed next time if I were gonna be slapped in the middle of the night. That was hurt” Chanyeol says again, making Jongdae gasps in embarrassment. Morning wood is now forgotten.

So Jongdae did slap and kick someone in his sleep last night.

Seeing Jongdae’s expression, Chanyeol chuckles. “It’s convenient for me, since I have to sleep diagonally for my feet to not hanging on the edge. I can use them to lock you in places,” Chanyeol explains with a yawn in his last sentence.

And that explains a lot on why Jongdae found both of them were so tangled when he woke up.

“At least you’re not that much at disadvantage, then” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol giggles. “What are you planning to do in this hour?” Chanyeol asks.

Jongdae tilts his head, confused. “Do I have to have a plan? I don’t know, it’s even my first time in this town. If someone might have plans, it should be you. It’s your hometown, you probably want to visit some places and be nostalgic,” Jongdae says.

“Right,” Chanyeol nods. “But no, I just planned to sleep and practice and go to our last busking,” Chanyeol answers.

“What do you do if you don’t have a busking with me?” Jongdae asks curiously.

“You mean in weekends? Workout,” Chanyeol states as if it’s obvious. Well, it probably should be obvious with Chanyeol’s build-up body. Chanyeol’s giant height aside, it’s obvious just from the first glance that Chanyeol’s not having jelly muscles like Jongdae does. They definitely don’t form itself.

At Chanyeol’s answer, Jongdae just nods it in acknowledgement. He’s for sure not trying to burn Chanyeol’s oversized t-shirt so he can see what’s beneath. Not at all.

Suddenly, Jongdae is reminded that he’s having a morning wood to take care of. “I’ll take a shower,” Jongdae says as he gets out of the bed to take a cold shower.

After Jongdae takes a bath, Chanyeol gets into the bathroom to take a shower as well. They strangely do everything together after that. Precisely, it’s Chanyeol who follows Jongdae’s random schedule ever since they woke up.

Jongdae and Chanyeol eats brunch in the restaurant near the hotel. Since it’s a pity to already go back to the hotel again, Jongdae walks around. Having Chanyeol beside him like a pup who’s helpfully informing Jongdae where is where and what is what.

After that, Jongdae and Chanyeol settle for a coffee in a cafe. Absolutely living off a ‘no coffee no life’ motto. At least at this, Chanyeol seems to not just following Jongdae around anymore since he orders a six shots of iced americano. This guy even has the audacity to tell Jongdae that it’s not bitter at all in front of Jongdae’s two shots of iced americano.

Jongdae hopes Chanyeol will have to go to the bathroom non-stop with his arrogance.

“Are you sure you want to get out of the box?” Jongdae asks again, making sure.

Chanyeol sips his six shots of iced americano comfortably before answering, “I want to,” he says.

“I mean, you don’t have to force yourself upon doing it now. You have plenty of time, you can try again another time,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol swirls his straw around, stirring the ice cubes inside his glass. “What are you doing after our busking ends?” Chanyeol asks, changing the topic.

Jongdae frowns in confusion. “Thinking of the next lesson I should give to the kids,” he says the obvious. Because what else will he do if it’s not that?

“I mean,” Chanyeol starts. Chanyeol is silent for a very long time before he continues his words again. “Don’t you want to pursue your singing dream?” Chanyeol asks again.

Jongdae is now silent, too. Pondering Chanyeol’s question. Jongdae wants to, it has always been his dream to become a singer one day. Whether he’s a small or big artist in the future, as long as he can live his life with being a singer as his main occupation, it’s would be more than enough. It will be even greater if he can console people like how Chanyeol does with his busking.

He’s been swayed by the flow of his life lately. His mind is too preoccupied with things around him that the thought of pursuing his dream has been far away from his main focus. However, it’s not like he’s abandoning it so Jongdae nods to answer Chanyeol’s question. “I’m saving money to get into a music school,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol’s brows furrow. “Why don’t you just apply to get into a company? I think you’re already too amazing for your own good, it’s the company’s loss if they reject you” Chanyeol asks, perplexed.

Jongdae chuckles, “Well, thank you,” he says. “I’m not sharpen enough to get into one, though. They all doesn’t want to waste their time and money for rough talents these days so a confirmation from a good music school will definitely help to get into a company,” Jongdae explains his reasons.

Chanyeol seems conflicted. “But I’m pretty sure the company Yixing works under will take you in. Especially since Yixing has already acknowledge you,” he says.

Jongdae hums, then shakes his head. “It won’t be fair for those who is really trying hard if I were going to use Yixing’s connection. I can take it slowly, it’s okay,” Jongdae says.

“Aren’t you just being too nice? Everyone uses connection and money to get into a company. No matter how genuine they’re trying, because it’s needed. You will never get into one without it,” Chanyeol advises.

“I’ll think again if it’s worth it. I know all those dirt but I don’t want to be blamed, too. I just want to sing truthfully and sincerely,” Jongdae says. Keeping the ‘just like you’ only for himself and the God to know.

Chanyeol doesn’t say a word after that. So does Jongdae. They stay in silence for the rest of their coffee and then they head out.

Once get back into the hotel room, Jongdae and Chanyeol readying themselves to practice for the evening busking. Warming up their throats as Chanyeol scrolls through his phone and Jongdae looks outside the window. For a while, the room is filled with the vibrate sound of Jongdae’s and Chanyeol’s throat.

When I was twenty years old

After enduring through a day,

When I anxiously lay down to sleep, I would worry

What do I do tomorrow?

What do I do tomorrow?

Jongdae hums one of the songs they would sing today. Scrolling his phone to search for a lyric to As One Said by Snagging Snail. The conversation Jongdae had with Chanyeol at the cafe just reminds Jongdae of this song. He can’t help but to sing it.

Jongdae and Chanyeol are living hard to pursue their dreams of becoming a singer. Though their ways of achieving it is different, the dream is the same.

It has been hard. Whether to chase it slowly like Jongdae does, or impatiently like Chanyeol is. Investing time, polishing their talents, and putting their energy and emotion for it is hard.

Jongdae had been auditioned for a company a lot of times before and got rejected, and now he has to wait even longer to get a certificate from a good music school. Chanyeol, too, despite being popular in his specialized area in Hongdae, he has been walking in the same spot inside his box for a very long time now.

Not being able to move forward but also not wanting to give it up just like that.

Chanyeol picks the melody easily. Reaching for his guitar while he’s singing the next lyric.

[Chanyeol]

Even when I closed my two eyes

I just couldn’t fall asleep

And just when I’d get so frustrated that it hurts

I deeply pondered

Why can’t I?

Why can’t I succeed?

Doing as one says

Doing as one says

I didn’t believe that things could happen as one says

I couldn’t believe it

Jongdae continues the next lyrics. Seems like he finally found the lyric in the internet.

[Jongdae]

Doing as one determines

Doing as one thinks

[Jongdae and Chanyeol]

“Being able to do it,” seemed like a lie

I hung my head down low

[Jongdae]

But then one day I found in my heart

A small but amazing realization

I started to dream,

“What will I do tomorrow? What will I do tomorrow?”

Jongdae looks up from his phone. Watching Chanyeol plays his guitar like a pro he is. Jongdae’s swaying his body rhythmically when he realizes he’s been watched.

Chanyeol is there, sitting with his guitar on his lap. His fingers are plucking at the strings but his eyes are focused on Jongdae. Staring with gentleness as his eyes sometimes flutter closed.

So it really is possible, is what comes into Jongdae’s mind. Jongdae was too dumbstruck at the sight that he doesn’t listening to Chanyeol’s singing anymore. Busy looking at the other who sings rather cutely, like he’s embarrassed or about to confess to his crush. It’s so different from how he always looks serious when he’s not singing.

[Chanyeol]

To be honest, I never ran crazily toward a goal

And I thought about this

I pulled myself up

Chanyeol is urging Jongdae to sing the part with the move of his head. Cruelly asking Jongdae to stay focus with the rehearsal. Chanyeol should know that helping by singing together with Jongdae doesn’t make it any less cruel.

Jongdae was still in an awe, how can he keep singing? But he tries anyway.

[Jongdae and Chanyeol]

Doing as one says

Doing as one says

If you just believe that this is possible

[Jongdae]

Doing as one determines (Chanyeol: doing as I determined)

Doing as one thinks (Chanyeol: doing as you think)

Challenge is infinite, life is eternity

Doing as one says (Chanyeol: doing as one says)

Doing as one says (Chanyeol: doing as one says)

Doing as one says

The song ends with Jongdae and Chanyeol keep locking eyes in the end.

“Hey!” Jongdae almost shouts it. His eyes are wide, so as his gaping mouth. Rather than shocked as he is before, Jongdae’s face lightens up with a wide smile. “It’s really possible!” Jongdae can’t say anything more than that.

Jongdae’s happy and he’s proud. Chanyeol can really do it.

Chanyeol only smiles. Softly and sheepishly. His eyes are still locked into Jongdae’s like he can’t tear it away. Tears are threatening his eyes as he smiles wider. It’s just the start for Chanyeol’s journey. After seven years of hiding inside the box, Chanyeol can finally start his journey.

— ♪ —

Chanyeol’s driving to their last busking place. It’s near Hongik University in Hongdae, more precisely at the regular spot Chanyeol uses to do his gig. It was Jongdae’s request, he said in their first meeting that he wants to perform at the same spot as Chanyeol for once.

Chanyeol’s more than nervous. Jongdae seems like he is, too, if the way he plays with his fingers is any indication. They’re both nervous, but probably for the completely different reasons.

Today’s the last day of Chanyeol’s busking journey with Jongdae. It’s short but filled with incredibly many adventures. Adjusting to the new schedule because of practice and even adjusting to Jongdae, too. The tiny man had been all but challenges himself for Chanyeol. It still feels unbelievable to find himself accepting Jongdae in his life.

Being with Jongdae is fun. Chanyeol gets to see so many side from Jongdae. How hardworking he is, how devoted he is to give everything his all, and how kind he is in treating everyone around him. Even to Chanyeol who is openly hating on him, Jongdae doesn’t give up his kindness. Readily helping Chanyeol out whenever Chanyeol needs him.

The busking is fun, too. The first day was nerve-wrecking because it’s the first day. The second day was nerve-wrecking because it’s not only the second day but also he was doing it at his hometown. And the third day is never-wrecking because it’s the last day. Everything Chanyeol had done it with Jongdae by his side.

Chanyeol is already so used with being around Jongdae but their little and short journey will end soon. They will have to go back to their lives without having any other reason to meet again. They both will have to part ways.

Because of this, Chanyeol is nervous today.

If he’s the same Chanyeol half a year ago, Chanyeol would be thrilled to finally have the busking over. Now, Chanyeol doesn’t want the busking to end, but at the same time he also wants to end it so he can get to know Jongdae better properly. All this time, it has always been Jongdae who’s coming to Chanyeol so it’s just right that it’s now Chanyeol’s turn to give the effort. Because the tiny man doesn’t seem to have any plan to keep whatever this relationship he has with Chanyeol at all.

Chanyeol and Jongdae arrive in Hongdae. Parking the car a little bit far away since the road is busy with people walking back and forth. They both hop down the car, only carrying bags of instruments and cables now. No longer bothered with a 190 cm tall box.

“I come here every once in a while but it feels new to walk here now. Maybe because we come from Ihwadong, it’s like we’re in an adventure” Jongdae comments. Strangely just like how Chanyeol thinks about their busking tour.

“Aren’t we, though?” Chanyeol says back. Jongdae just giggles, an ecstatic sound Chanyeol grows to like recently. “What do you do here, though? Shopping? Or just watching my gig?” Chanyeol asks.

“Shopping,” Jongdae giggles. “I like to treat myself to a nice shirt or a jacket every two or three months. I first found you also when I was on a hunt for it, scoring myself a nice brown shirt that day,” he continues again with a chuckle and a blush on his high cheekbones. A perfect kitten curl makes its appearance on both Jongdae’s lips, completing the view Chanyeol sees in beauty and cuteness.

“Oh, I’d like to see you in it one day,” Chanyeol mindlessly comments. Slipping the words even before he has any control to burn it on his tongue. He doesn’t even know what he means by that. Nonetheless, it would be really nice if he has the chance to see it.

Jongdae wears a plain green t-shirt with a black jacket right now. Both are three times bigger than Jongdae’s size. Chanyeol has seen it at the hotel and Jongdae looks too freaking tiny. No, Jongdae is too freaking tiny.

“I doubt I’ll look any different than what you see now, though” Jongdae says.

Well, that’s just great for Chanyeol. Jongdae with paws is cute.

After some walk, Chanyeol and Jongdae reach the usual spot Chanyeol does his busking. They quickly work on the preparation, setting the instruments and speakers and microphones and cables. As the time they’re done with the setting, ten people are already gathered in front of Chanyeol and Jongdae. Curious.

Chanyeol wordlessly starts playing the first song, As One Says by Snagging Snail. As Chanyeol sings the first verse without a fail, relax and free in front of these few people stopping by and a lot of other people passing by. He’s nervous but his soul is roaring into the sky again, just like his first busking.

Some people seem to recognize Chanyeol’s voice. They start to whisper with themselves, other people who pass by also start to stop by and listening. Wondering, guessing.

After the first song ends, Jongdae gives a signal for Chanyeol to give the speech. Jongdae was doing a very good job at giving an opening speech yesterday, Chanyeol wonders why he can’t hear him doing that today. Whatever the answer is, Chanyeol clears his throat to start his greeting.

“Good evening everyone. I’m Loey, come to you with my friend this time. His name is JD, please greet him,” Chanyeol says, pointing Jongdae with his right arm. The audience greets Jongdae in a simple, almost harmonized, ‘hi’ which Jongdae answers with a ‘hello’ and a wave of his hands. And a kittenish smile.

“If you already know me before, you might notice that I’m not inside the box anymore now. I intend to keep it this way so I ask you for your understanding and support,” Chanyeol says. “It’s not easy to come to this decision and my friend JD right here helped me a lot with this. Since the person who’s gonna play and deliver the music is still the same, I think it should not be a problem whether I’m in a box or not for you guys, right?” Chanyeol says again.

“As I will keep trying to bring enjoyable music for you, I will let you listen to the next song, Let’s Go See The Stars by Jukjae,” Chanyeol introduces the second song easily.

As the busking goes on and on, Chanyeol finally notices two guys with suits in the crowd. Watching the busking attentively. It’s probably the people Yixing sent, who else will dress as neatly as them in this area of Hongdae?

So when Chanyeol and Jongdae goes for the next song, as well as their last song, Chanyeol gives it his all. Playing his guitar like he’s gonna die a second later. Jongdae, who’s always very enthusiastic in his performance, picking Chanyeol’s energy and going all out as well. Perfectly great.

Our Journey by Soran sounds greater that time.

[Jongdae]

How about here?

Let’s sit down for a bit

The strangers

We’re like a scenery here, how about stopping

The same way

How many times I wander, I keep laughing

Going with you,

Walking the road we didn’t know

Strange,

The strangers, rather than feeling scared, I feel comfortable

[Chanyeol]

Going with you,

Finding the same direction

Like this,

Time that feels like a dream

Like the starlight,

It looks precious

Chanyeol was on the phone with Yixing yesterday. More accurately, at midnight, when Chanyeol had to wake up from the jab of Jongdae’s delicate arm. It was really painful and while Jongdae looks so slim and tiny, his arm seems to hide some firm muscles beneath the flesh.

That time, Chanyeol’s phone lighted up with a notification from Yixing. Asking about the trip back to Chanyeol’s hometown. As the best bestfriend Yixing is, Yixing deserves to get updated about it so Chanyeol called Yixing to tell him the story.

“Hey, Xing. How do you think of Jongdae? You’ve seen him sing, do you think he will be accepted in an agency if he enrolls now?” Chanyeol had asked.

“Oh… that. I personally like his voice. It’s rich and full of emotions, he also delivers songs lyrics pretty well with his technique. But I wouldn’t know if people from the agency will want to recruit him. The standards are a little bit different for them,” Yixing had answered.

It made Chanyeol frown, “Isn’t it all if someone can sing greatly? What other standard they need to confirm?” he asked again, speechless beyond perplexed.

“Do you want me to ask them?” Yixing offered.

Chanyeol pondered for a moment. “Can you possibly just send them to watch our busking tomorrow? Just to watch, if they aren’t interested they can leave immediately,” Chanyeol asked.

“Alright,” Yixing easily agreed.

[Chanyeol]

The night sky

Makes us childish

We’re here

Until we become grandpa and grandma

Can we?

Like this,

It’s so heartbreaking

I keep crying

[Chanyeol and Jongdae]

Going with you,

Finding the same direction

Like this,

Time that feels like a dream

Like the starlight,

It looks precious

[Jongdae]

Anywhere in the world,

Beautiful scenery

This moment that we most awaited, too (Chanyeol: this moment too)

I give you everything to no avail

Above everything, what’s the most important thing to me is

“You know, I thought you were about to ask for my permission to date Jongdae when you asked about what I think of him,” Yixing commented.

“What? No?” Chanyeol immediately denied, though sounded uncertain.

“We both know he’s a kind guy, Yeol. Kind, cute, gorgeous, understanding, so attractive, and tiny, he has all the charm. I won’t stop you if you want to go for it,” Yixing said.

“It’s just as you said, though. He’s too good for me, Xing. I have already hurt him for so many times, I don’t want to hurt him even more,” Chanyeol mumbled, pouring his heart out without realizing it. But again, it’s Yixing’s charm, he can lure anything out from Chanyeol.

“You sound so depressive, bro,” Yixing remarked.

Which Chanyeol didn’t rebut since it’s true. Chanyeol never thinks much about it since he doesn’t interact with people that often and he doesn’t care about people anyway. But he knows he always has an expertise in him to anger people.

Even if Chanyeol doesn’t mean to, he seems to always irritate people. Even with Jongdae, there are often occasion where Chanyeol incidentally offended him.

Chanyeol is sucks. That’s all what Chanyeol knows about himself. And someone like him for someone as great as Jongdae is just like asking for a smack in the head. Jongdae deserves a lot better.

“Well, if he wants you anyway and willing to put up with you, what can you do about it aside from nothing?” Yixing shrugged.

Chanyeol just snorted it away, amused rather than anything.

“I saw someone uploaded your performance on youtube. You were also there, though in a box. You should also see the spark in Jongdae’s eyes. He turned to you often, right” it’s not a question, Yixing knew exactly what he said. “I’ll send you the link,” Yixing said.

And it’s true.

[Chanyeol]

Going with you,

Finding the same direction

Like this,

Time that feels like a dream

Like the starlight,

It looks precious

[Jongdae]

(As we walk all day)

(I hope you can meet what’s most precious for you)

(As we walk all day)

(I hope you can meet what’s make you most happy)

[Chanyeol]

Like the starlight, so precious

[Jongdae]

The small light, it looks so vivid

Jongdae roars into the sky. The high note is echoing into the air as he sings them. His eyes fluttered close as he often does when he sings with all of his heart.

As soon as Jongdae opens his eyes, his eyes search for Chanyeol, shimmering with softness and joy. They turn into crescents as Jongdae smiles wider, showing off his kittenish curls. He looks gorgeous that way.

Just like in the video someone uploaded on youtube that Chanyeol saw yesterday.

The view sends tears into Chanyeol’s eyes. Jongdae’s so gorgeous and Chanyeol likes to see him smiling like that. Chanyeol wants to see Jongdae’s smile more.

“That was our last song,” Chanyeol says, trying to hold himself from crying. He’s schooling his expression with a smile, though, so no one would likely to notice his tears. “Thank you once again for coming and thank you to JD for this featuring. I hope you have a pleasant evening,” Chanyeol says his last greeting, bending his limb forward and swirling his right hand to his stomach at the end of his sentence.

Bowing half of his body down, Chanyeol almost gets his tears to fall. He’s lucky he doesn’t have to think about ways to trick Jongdae and his high empathy, someone is approaching them. Chanyeol uses the opportunity to turn away and start packing the speaker.

“Hi, can we talk for a moment? If any chance, are you interested to join our company? I’m Kim Minseok, a talent scouter in JM Inc,” Chanyeol sneaks a peak at the sweet voice. A small buff man is handing Jongdae a shining silver business card.

“Uh,” Jongdae looks over to Chanyeol and Chanyeol immediately looks down to the cables in hand again.

Jongdae probably looks too troubled that the man says again, “Not him. But you. We want to recruit you so please give it some thought. If you’re interested, please give me a call,” the small buff man says again, pointing at the business card with the move of his pointed cat eyes.

“Uh,” Jongdae groans again.

“You have a really cool voice, please call us,” another man, probably as tall as Chanyeol, says with a cheerful smile. “It would be cool to have someone as amazing as you in our company,” he proceeds to say. Nothing business in his voice, just pure admiration.

“We’ll go, then” the small buff man says, nodding his head politely. At that, his tall friend also nods his head and follow to where the buff man is heading to.

Chanyeol smiles. It’s a success, Jongdae can get into a company soon enough. Chanyeol’s so glad they acknowledge Jongdae’s talent. Though it’d be really weird and Chanyeol would come to them with a barrel of oil if they didn’t.

Chanyeol approaches Jongdae who’s still standing up like he was just struck by a lightning even after Chanyeol finishes packing the equipment. He’s still holding the shining silver business card in his small hands. Looking at it like it burns his palms.

“Are you going to contact them?” Chanyeol asks, pulling Jongdae out of his stupor.

“Isn’t this Yixing hyung’s company?” Jongdae asks back, which Chanyeol just gives a nod as his answer. “Why? You’re also here, but why don’t they want to recruit you, too?” Jongdae narrows his eyes in suspicion.

“Because you’re better. Isn’t that obvious?” Chanyeol answers with a shrug. His eyes turns big and a little pout naturally forms as he makes his clueless face.

Jongdae narrows his eyes harder, debating with himself inside his head. “That’s weird, I learned from you and Yixing hyung,” Jongdae then says.

“So what? It doesn’t mean you can’t be better than us. You are and you can. I think you will improve even a lot more if you join the company, they have a lot of great vocal coaches there,” Chanyeol says.

Jongdae narrows his eyes even harder, he’s squinting now. “And you don’t want to join them, too? Now you can sing with people watching you, let’s enroll together,” Jongdae says.

It lightens up Chanyeol’s face a little. “Yes, I don’t want to,” Chanyeol says with a little too happy face. “If I like that life better, I would have tried harder for it. I like my current job. The busking and at the car repair shop,” Chanyeol says again, now smiling from ear to ear.

“Why?” the question emerges from Jongdae’s mouth again.

“Jongdae-ya,” Chanyeol calls, making Jongdae flustered. “Do you mind if I get in touch with you often?” he asks.

“Huh? Of course. Why?” the same question.

— ♪ —

It would be a great lie if Chanyeol says he’s not happy. His whole life feels a lot brighter now. He also smiles when he’s talking with other people, joking with them sometimes. Chanyeol starts to make friends now.

The leaf start to turn reddish again. Cold breeze blows every now and then, sending shiver and making people shudder. So at a time like this Jongdae was born, Chanyeol thinks to himself. Completely useless since he’s also an autumn baby.

Autumn this year feels different. It’s cold but feels warmer, it’s full with dried leaf on the ground but feels like cherry blossom is blooming on the trees. Mainly just because the fact that Kim Jongdae was born in september and Chanyeol automatically links the season with the name Kim Jongdae when he knows that. Sappy, but Chanyeol likes himself like that.

‘ka-talk’

Chanyeol’s phone rings. He quickly fishes out his phone from his pocket, expecting a message from someone. A smile already creeps on his face when he reads the notification, just for it to fall.

Dad

How have you been, son?

Simple. So Chanyeol replies it just as simple: good. At least he answers.

Chanyeol goes back to his work, fixing a car that suddenly stopped running on the road. It doesn’t have to take long to look at the engine, being in the field for seven years now Chanyeol can fix a car quite easily. That’s why he likes his job, doing what he’s good at boosts his confidence.

“Chanyeol! You can go after that one, your boyfriend is waiting,” someone says. When Chanyeol looks at him, his coworker is pointing at the cashier with his thumb.

There, Chanyeol sees a small figure in oversized padding jacket. “He’s not my boyfriend, though” Chanyeol mumbles with a smile. “Are you sure I can go after this?” he asks his coworker, making sure.

His coworker snorts. “It’s almost time for you to go home anyway,” he says.

“Thank you, Sehun” Chanyeol says cheerfully. He catches Jongdae looking his way when he’s about to focus on the car in front of him. He smiles even wider, waving his hand at Jongdae who’s waving back. “I’ll finish this real quick and take a shower, wait for me” Chanyeol shouts.

“Take your time, I’m not in a rush” Jongdae shouts back.

Chanyeol works really quickly anyway. He just needs fifteen minutes includes dealing with the car owner, giving some advice, and guiding them for the payment. He takes more five minutes to shower, breaking a record for his seven minutes shower last time Jongdae visited.

“Hi, birthday boy,” Chanyeol greets as soon as he’s out with his backpack on one of his shoulder.

“I told you to take your time. Look, you’re still all wet,” Jongdae says, wiping the water drenching Chanyeol’s face from his wet hair.

“Any time with a JM Inc. hot rising star is always precious, Dae. We haven’t been hanging out since four months ago, how have you been recently? Is anything good?” Chanyeol asks.

“Is being busy a good thing?” Jongdae chuckles, a rich and joyous sound that sparkles Chanyeol’s heart. “I don’t really know how my days are going. Attending music or radio shows, if not I will have to practice with the coach or going to the gym. By the time I get time, I’m too tired to give a fuck and sleep instead,” Jongdae says.

“I’m really sorry I can’t call you often anymore,” Jongdae says again.

“No need to be sorry. It’s the most important if you’re healthy and get the rest you deserve,” Chanyeol says. “So, birthday boy, let’s do all things you want to do today. You have all night like you promised, right? What do you want to do?” Chanyeol asks.

“I do,” Jongdae confirms. “I just want to see the stars with you actually, just a walk somewhere quiet with you. And probably you will sing me something along the way,” Jongdae says sheepishly.

“That’s not just a just,” Chanyeol amuses. “You planned everything out for tonight,” Chanyeol adds.

“You asked what I wanted to do!” Jongdae whines.

“Did I object?” Chanyeol retorts back.

“Good,” Jongdae huffs with a pout.

Chanyeol laughs, stroking Jongdae’s hair in amusement.

As Jongdae wants, Chanyeol drives Jongdae to the quietest place he ever knew. It’s just beside the most populous area in the city. Miraculously enough, even though the small street 500 meters down is busy with some people walking, the two long wood benches and round wood table at the end of the road is always scarce of people.

Just like the last time they stargaze three years ago, the stars don’t make themselves present tonight. But unlike the last time, the moon shines bright with its full round shape. The city’s electricity adding the night’s delicacy once again, replacing the stars absence.

Chanyeol and Jongdae walks to the benches, enjoying the quietness that’s rare to obtain in the city. No one starts a conversation, too comfortable with each other’s thought. Though they sometime look at each other, sometime also catch the other already looking while doing so.

“That was dumb,” Chanyeol finally comments on their stare-catching game.

Jongdae chuckles. “How do you know this place? Do you come here often?” Jongdae asks.

Chanyeol smiles, showing his dimple on his right cheek. “Not anymore. I used to live just back down there once upon a time ago,” Chanyeol answers. “Back when I’m still young and broke and dumb, this is the perfect place to have a drink,” he adds with a smile.

“I can see that,” Jongdae says with a smile of his own tugging his kittenish curly lips. “It makes me want to travel back to that time, though. I don’t like seeing you sad,” Jongdae says again.

“It’s a good thing that you didn’t see it, then,” Chanyeol chuckles. “And you can’t go back to the past. What about the present me? I wouldn’t have you right now,” Chanyeol objects.

Jongdae looks up at Chanyeol with an amused face. “Possessive. Even to your past self, what a jerk” Jongdae says with an amused smile indicating that his words hide no thorns in it.

“I have to. Even if you were tending to my past self, it would be my current self who is depressed to not have you,” Chanyeol informs. “Well, do you not want me to be possessive, though?” Chanyeol then asks with his big curious eyes.

Jongdae looks at Chanyeol for a moment too long. Looking like he’s searching something in Chanyeol’s eyes for the way he throws his gaze at Chanyeol’s right eye and then to the other. “I like it if you can be like a prince charming, protecting me from enemies in like… it’s a matter of life and death,” Jongdae says, then laughs out loud.

“You sure have a lot of fantasies going on in your mind,” Chanyeol just replies. He secretly notes the detail down, though. As dumb as it sounds, Chanyeol actually wants to try his hardest for it. Though he isn’t sure if he can do it.

Jongdae just giggles once again.

Chanyeol and Jongdae sit on the bench, looking at the city view in front of them. “Do you want to request a song?” Chanyeol asks.

“Oh, right. Just any song is fine, just please, it’s been so long since I listen to you singing,” Jongdae says in excitement.

“There’s this one song that reminds me of you, wanna hear it?” Chanyeol says to which Jongdae nods at. Chanyeol smiles seeing the flush on Jongdae’s face. Cutely flustered like a baby he is.

Chanyeol takes out his phone, searching for a song he wants to sing. Then, a sound of piano can be heard gently. Jongdae seems to be able to recognize the song already. Empty by Paul Kim.

My heart feels empty

Ever since I’ve met you

Would you come out for a while?

I have to see you

Memories are shattering on this night

Becoming a star and reflecting on me

The unforeseen long wandering

Makes me dream of a better tomorrow

By that time, unsurprisingly, Jongdae takes out his own phone to record Chanyeol’s voice. Blatantly shoving it under Chanyeol’s mouth to get a clearer audio.

Is this feeling of emptiness from my memories of you?

When I call out your name, it seems you will come to find me

When I close my eyes, I can picture you from that very moment that day

I miss those days, I miss it

“Sing with me,” Chanyeol asks, pushing Jongdae’s phone farther.

Jongdae pushes his phone closer again. “I don’t want to. Besides, my phone is busy and I don’t remember the lyrics at all,” Jongdae whispers, complaining.

“You never remember any lyrics, Dae. That’s a really incredible of consistency of yours,” Chanyeol teases in protest.

“Don’t mock me,” Jongdae kicks Chanyeol in the shin. “Sing, sing! You need to sing,” Jongdae hits Chanyeol’s arm continuously since the second verse is coming. Reminding Chanyeol who’s groaning in pain to sing the song.

“I’m in pain!” Chanyeol protests again. But he manages to sing the part anyway. With a pout, sounding extremely annoyed.

Meeting you

Giving me great strengths

Now as if it’s granted

I will wait for you my love

The intense desire of my cold heart

Makes me feel inadequate

But your warm presence

Makes every part of me breathes again

“Sing the bridge for me. I can’t do high notes, you should do it,” Chanyeol complains again. “I know you remember the bridge lyrics, don’t use that excuse again to me,” Chanyeol threatens with his glare, but still with a pout as to not scare Jongdae for real.

“Together,” Jongdae negotiates. “Don’t try to trick me, I know what’s going on in your mind,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol and Jongdae missed most part of the bridge since they bicker a lot. They get to sing the last part of the song, though. Just as Jongdae predicted, Chanyeol leaves Jongdae to sing alone at the high note part.

It will be a very amazing audio file ever in Jongdae’s phone. With the bickering and all, it would be embarrassing to listen to it again. Though at the same time it also means that the audio will keep the memory of this moment in highlight.

Is this feeling of emptiness from my memories of you?

When I call out your name, I know that you will come to find me

When I close my eyes, I can feel you being next to me

I really miss miss you, I miss you again

I miss you more and more

Chanyeol just looks at Jongdae from the side. Admiring the look on Jongdae’s face when Jongdae sings. He really looks the prettiest when he sings.

When Jongdae opens his eyes again to glare at Chanyeol, the glare immediately runs away as he looks the expression Chanyeol has on his face. The silence turns a little bit overwhelming with some piano keys left of the song Chanyeol plays from his phone. There, Jongdae looks like he’s searching something in Chanyeol’s eyes again.

“I’ve missed you,” Chanyeol says. “A lot,” he adds again.

Jongdae’s eyes look at Chanyeol’s big eyes, stunt and mesmerized. After a long moment, his eyes trail down to Chanyeol’s lips, which Chanyeol follows in reflex. “Do you want to be my boyfriend first or do you want to kiss first?” Jongdae asks.

“Your boyfriend?” It’s a question. He probably sounds too shocked that Jongdae didn’t hear the question mark in his words.

“You are now. So I can kiss you, can’t I?” Jongdae asks again, impatient, as he leans closer to Chanyeol’s face.

Chanyeol meets Jongdae half-way, not bothering to answer Jongdae’s question first. He doesn’t know if it’s right to kiss Jongdae. Chanyeol likes to grant what Jongdae wants and keep his well-being, but he doesn’t know if he can belong to Jongdae and vice versa the way the term ‘boyfriend’ does. But it sure feels so damn right to have Jongdae in his arms, close to him while he kisses Jongdae’s curly lips.

They move slowly, but both Chanyeol and Jongdae are too eager enough to let go of each other. They don’t want to, they probably won’t. If not for the need to inhale the air, they definitely won’t stop eating each other.

“You won’t know how much I wanted this, Chan. You will never be able to imagine it,” Jongdae says, breathless.

Chanyeol shakes his head, “I love you more,” he says.

“No way, I love you more,” Jongdae argues.

“You don’t know either. My heart hurts for you, Dae. It feels empty without you around, I really missed you” Chanyeol says, placing his forehead on Jongdae’s. Chanyeol then closes his eyes, “You’re everything to me. Everything,” Chanyeol emphasizes the last word to make sure Jongdae knows how true the word is.

“I’m glad to know you’re falling just as deep as me, then” Jongdae says, smiling. He pecks both of Chanyeol’s eyes, urging the latter to open his eyes again. It works.

“Then, let’s get you to the best place to stargaze I ever know,” Chanyeol says, tugging at Jongdae’s hand.

“What? It’s not here?” Jongdae asks in shock.

Chanyeol shakes his head. “It’s second best and it’s the quietest for a walk. You’ll get to see the moon and everything even more vivid at this other place. That’s why it’s the best,” Chanyeol says with a wicked smile that probably is too suspicious that Jongdae also smiles in suspicion.

“Why do I think I know that place?” Jongdae chuckles.

Of course Jongdae knows that place.

The ten minutes ride brings Jongdae to Chanyeol’s apartment in Apgujeong. Jongdae was laughing non stop as he sees the building. And even more when he’s riding the elevator and reaching Chanyeol’s unit.

“Of course the best place to see them will be here, you have a telescope for it,” Jongdae comments, wearing a dark green slipper to go inside. It’s his own slipper this time.

It has been a really long time since Jongdae comes over to Chanyeol’s apartment. He never comes again after he debuted so it’s been more than a year already. Nothing much changes about the apartment. Except that Chanyeol has more room for himself with all Yixing’s things have been moved out.

After his marriage with another producer from China last April in United States, Yixing’s not living in the same apartment with Chanyeol anymore. That was why he replaced the twin bed in his room to a queen sized bed. It had scared Jongdae when he first saw the large thing, feeling oddly deja vu. When Jongdae asked about it, Chanyeol said that he needed the space as to not make his feet hanging on the edge of the bed.

The extra space in Chanyeol’s apartment had soon filled with a few of Jongdae’s things in case he’s staying over so Yixing’s leave hardly puts Chanyeol in benefit. Like the green slippers, pink toothbrush, a set of yellow pikachu cutlery, and some clothes in the wardrobe. It’s almost like Jongdae’s living there, which Chanyeol doesn’t really mind.

Jongdae walks to the balcony, wearing his dear green slippers and sliding the door open. Smiling at the chilly breeze brushing his face, relieved at the nostalgic sensation. It’s been so long for him, he missed the place.

Chanyeol carefully scoots closer to Jongdae, linking his arms around the smaller waist. He keeps his distance in case Jongdae’s uncomfortable with the intrusion. But Jongdae cups his hands and pulls Chanyeol closer, tighter into his embrace. Chanyeol’s instinct brings himself even closer at Jongdae’s invitation, placing his head on the smaller’s shoulder and inhaling Jongdae’s cologne fondly.

Jongdae hums in contentment. Happiness brings him a very kittenish smile on his face as he flutters his eyelids close. Leaning into Chanyeol’s embrace like he’s melting inside it.

No one could know how happy Chanyeol is to sense Jongdae’s happiness.

“I’m gonna apply to be your producer for your next project,” Chanyeol says.

“Hm?” Jongdae just hums in inquiry, both not believe what his ears hear and not trust himself if what Chanyeol means by that is the same as his brain tries to tell him.

“I missed you. I manage to convince the agency that I’m creditable enough to request which artist I’ll work with next. And since you’re still new, though as much as you’re their new favorite, they kind of let me handle your next project. And if it’s going well, I can get us fly even higher,” Chanyeol says, kissing Jongdae’s nape a flatting kiss.

“What? It’s for real? Seriously? Channie?” Jongdae turns his body to face Chanyeol. Sparkling, happy eyes try to search anything in Chanyeol’s big ones. He cups Chanyeol’s cheeks in tiny palms and it’s Chanyeol’s turn to melt.

“Yes,” Chanyeol sighs, lips stretched into a big grin.

When Jongdae was a trainee, their less frequent meeting pushed Chanyeol’s ambition to apply a job at Jongdae’s agency. He left his busking session completely in favor to work on his music diligently. Need it to be attached on his resume.

Being accepted at JM Inc. apparently doesn’t make Chanyeol able to meet Jongdae easier. Jongdae was almost nowhere to be found, always busy with practice that Chanyeol couldn’t see him despite being in the same building.

But Jongdae was roaring with his first full album. An album about all kinds of spring with emotional ballad songs. He was impressive, singing calmly with mournful and emotional deeper voice than Chanyeol used to hear at their short busking tour. Seems like Jongdae achieved his goal to tone down his voice. To make him sound mature, if Chanyeol had to use Jongdae’s way to describe it. Chanyeol likes it either way.

Chanyeol usually listened to the album every night, looking at the night panorama in his balcony. Just like that one time in winter, where the chilly breeze blows too cold for his skin. Though now, not with Jongdae, but with Jongdae’s voice overlaying the silence.

It had fueled Chanyeol’s ambition even more to fly in the sky, too. To be in the equal place as Jongdae, to deserve to be with him in any way. So Chanyeol worked hard being the producer he is now. After three years of working hard and errors, Chanyeol finally gets the chance. He gets to choose which artist he wishes to work with and surely enough he chooses Jongdae.

Chanyeol will get to work with Jongdae soon enough and therefore, meet with him a lot more in the near future.

“God, Channie. You’ve worked so hard,” Jongdae plants a kiss on Chanyeol’s smiling lips. The kittenish curl Chanyeol loves the most soon appears as he mirrors Chanyeol’s smile.

“We’ll get to see each other more often soon,” Chanyeol says, opening his eyes to meet Jongdae’s mesmerizing ones.

Jongdae chuckles, then shaking his head in disbelief. “My Channie,” he sighs. “I’m just happy if you’re happy,” he says.

“I’m that, too. But I’ll also be happier if I’m able to be with you,” Chanyeol replies, hugging Jongdae tight once more.

“You will. I’m here always for you, Chan, so don’t leave me either,” Jongdae says, pressing himself closer to Chanyeol’s body. If that’s even possible to do so.

“I don’t want to,” Chanyeol assures. He squeezes Jongdae a little more, flexing his muscles in fondness.

When Chanyeol releases Jongdae from his arm, Jongdae’s giggling loudly. Rich laughter fills the air probably because he finds the fact funny that Chanyeol squeezes him too tight. He eventually scrunches down and gasps for air but still laughing nonetheless.

Chanyeol just watches Jongdae laugh in even more fondness in his eyes. Watching his everything, the love of his life and even his life itself, with a contented smile. He can’t help the teeth and dimples from showing its existence on Chanyeol’s face. He just loves this tiny man so much.

“Come on, birthday boy. Let’s get inside, it’s getting cold here,” Chanyeol says, ushering Jongdae back inside the apartment.

Jongdae walks to the couch, thinking Chanyeol would go to that direction but Chanyeol goes to the kitchen. He reaches a pot on the stove and turns it on. When Jongdae looks over to the pot, he sees a seaweed soup inside it. “Birthday isn’t complete without this,” Chanyeol says.

“You really don’t have to make this for me,” Jongdae says. “But thank you,” he adds again.

“It’s a must, for a long life. You probably don’t get to taste your mom’s seaweed soup again this year, so I make you one,” Chanyeol says. “It’s Kyungsoo’s mom’s recipe, so I think the taste shouldn’t be that different since moms in this country seem to share their recipe books together. They taste just as delicious, yet very distinctive, very homy. I don’t get it,” Chanyeol explains.

“You asked for Kyungsoo’s mom recipe just for me?” Jongdae coos.

“Well, I can’t ask my own. Or yours, in that matter” Chanyeol says.

“Why can’t you? You can ask my mom,” Jongdae says. “Don’t you want to meet her?” Jongdae asks again.

Chanyeol’s eyes turn even bigger at the question. “What? Already? I thought you liked it slow?” Chanyeol asks in bafflement.

Jongdae is surprised for a moment before he chuckles, “Not like that,” he says. “In my defence, I already waited for you for four years, though. Is it not slow enough for you?” Jongdae amuses.

“Well, I…” Chanyeol trails off. He turns his back to Jongdae, taking the excuse to prepare Jongdae’s seaweed soup in a white and yellow pikachu bowl.

“I wondered when will you step further with our relationship, I’m glad I got a boyfriend tonight” Jongdae says.

“I was out of control,” Chanyeol shamefully admits.

Jongdae frowns, looking like he’s hurt with Chanyeol’s confession. “Did you regret it?” he asks carefully.

Chanyeol gives the pikachu bowl of seaweed soup to Jongdae with timid look. “No. But you probably will. I mean, it’s me. It’s a Chanyeol, you deserve a lot better,” Chanyeol tries to explain as best as he can. He probably fails, he never know how to express this kind of thing.

Nevertheless, Jongdae seems to know. His face changes, “You actually believe that?” he asks. He studies Chanyeol’s face again, searching in Chanyeol’s eyes again. “At least you know I only deserve the nicest things so I think you will take the best care of me. That’s what makes you the best for me, Channie, I will never let this deep love of yours go. So don’t go anywhere but my side, you got it?” Jongdae says, holding Chanyeol in the eyes.

“I will try my best,” Chanyeol says, tearing his gaze down.

“You already make me the happiest ever, Chan” Jongdae says. He leans over, kiss Chanyeol on the cheek. It makes Chanyeol blush and Jongdae giggles at it, satisfied. “Aren’t you a big buff puppy, my Channie” Jongdae coos.

“Eat your soup,” Chanyeol turns away, embarrassed.

“Okay, boyfriend” Jongdae says, teasing, as he starts to eat the soup.

If at the beginning, Chanyeol despised the idea of being with Jongdae, now Chanyeol can’t believe if he can be with the boy. Their first meeting wasn’t pleasant, so was the next moments that came along with it. Chanyeol was so an asshole that he wants to reset everything. Then again, if it were gonna happen again, he would probably still act the same due to his trauma and his shitty tolerance toward people.

Jongdae came like a miracle in Chanyeol’s life. He tolerates, he cares, and he fixes. He changes Chanyeol’s life for the better, he helps Chanyeol to get through everything. Chanyeol can never thank Jongdae enough for that.

The autumn Chanyeol and Jongdae first met had already been four years ago. After Chanyeol’s birthday in November, the two of them are 29 years old. The two guys surviving their lives with each other by their side. Leaning onto each other’s shoulder, encouraging each other’s in their down states. Life is getting much more endurable like this.

Chanyeol and Jongdae spend the rest of the night watching Jongdae’s promotion variety shows on TV. With whiny voice and small punch every now and then from Jongdae because he’s embarrassed by himself on the screen, Chanyeol coos. Sometimes with the smacking sound of kisses when Jongdae’s too embarrassed he can’t bear himself or for Chanyeol to watch him.

Jongdae’s just gonna stay over until three in the morning, but they have more than enough time to be with each other. Night is still long, they still have plenty of time together. They can never know when they will be able to see each other again with how busy life gets so time is very precious for both of them. Chanyeol and Jongdae cherish every passing second and every passing moment together, making most of the time as much as they can.

At the end of the day, Chanyeol and Jongdae are curled up together in bed. Warm in each other’s arms. Though looks strange with how hard Chanyeol tries to pin Jongdae down in the sake of not getting jabbed again in the middle of the night.