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They were getting shot at from all directions, their cover was barely minimal, and Natasha was starting to wish she'd been a little less cocky back at base and accepted the bulletproof vest Maria had wanted her to wear for this mission.
Maria, for her part, was starting to get more than a little pissed off. Though her aim continued to be as good as ever.
Then the conversation started because why not talk things out while dodging death at every turn.
"Now probably isn't the best time to tell you this, but you've been leaving the cap off the toothpaste a lot lately and it's starting to bug me. I don't mind it periodically, but not every morning." She ducked down to reload.
"You're right, now really isn't the time for this, but while we're on the subject, it'd be nice if you picked up after yourself every once in a while."
"What are you talking about?"
"I keep finding your weapons scattered all over the apartment. The glock in the hall closet practically fell on my head the other day."
"Those aren't scattered, they're strategically placed for home defense."
"Well it would be nice if they could be strategically placed in a way that makes them less of a concussion hazard."
Fury's voice came over the comms. "Ladies, I agree this isn't the time, and I'm not getting involved, but toothpaste caps and weapons are not even remotely comparable."
"Yes, they are!" Came back at him in unison and he regretted saying anything.
"What about your habit of putting the toilet paper roll on backwards."
"That is a tactical decision for our safety!"
"Hill, Romanoff, extraction will be there in five, but you have to get to the rendezvous point." Fury rubbed his forehead and tried to stop himself, but failed. "And how the hell is putting the toilet paper on backwards tactical?"
"Spiders."
Fury knew he shouldn't have asked. "What?"
"Spiders, sir. If the toilet paper is hanging out, they can hide behind it and you'd never see them until it was too late."
"You're telling me you're arachnoph--" He was cut off, perhaps fortunately, by more gunfire and another tangent.
"Maybe they're trying to use it as cover for warmth."
"The thermostat is not set too low."
It sounded like they were running. Fury hoped it was in the correct direction because he wasn't getting involved in talking with them again.
"Not too low if you like keeping meat hanging frozen on hooks."
"It's winter. If you're cold put a sweater on."
"At that temperature not even my cold weather survival gear is going to help. Maybe if I got in the bed, which you never make!"
Fury could hear a helicopter in the background and he no longer cared if it was theirs or the enemy's.
"I am letting the bed. Air. Out." They were fighting hand to hand again, so they must be low on ammo. Fury didn't think he was rooting for their survival anymore. "So the mattress can dry and the light helps. Kill. Dust. Mites."
There was a sudden clattering and a lot of wind then their voices came back clearer, obviously having hooked into the transport's system.
"Sir, we are away and clear. We have the intel and no one is going to be able to follow from that location any time soon."
"Thank you, ladies."
"That excuse doesn't hold up."
"It holds up as well as you never being hungry until you're stealing all my fries!"
Fury cut the comm and went to find something for his headache.