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Seungcheol wished he could turn back time.
He counted how many times he had lost his chance to confess just because he was a coward. A simple i love you should be enough, but Seungcheol still could not do it.
If only he could be more cautious.
If only he was braver.
Maybe he would have known how Jeonghan felt and how the sparkles on his eyes faded as time went by. Maybe he would have treated Jeonghan better and would not feel that much regret.
He knew Jeonghan had been trying to tell him something, but he, who was afraid of changes, ran away from it – pretending he was clueless all the time.
And now that Jeonghan was someone else’s for real, there was nothing he could do.
Except saying goodbye with a smile on his face,
And a torn heart inside his chest.
2019
It was four in the afternoon when Jeonghan’s name showed up on Seungcheol’s phone. His favourite ringtone rang throughout the room and Seungcheol picked it up right away. It was Jeonghan, and Seungchel knew best he hated to wait long. They had been friends since forever, after all. Seungcheol knew him best and so was Jeonghan towards him.
“Hey,” Jeonghan said with a honey-like voice. “Where are you?”
“Home,” Seungcheol replied shortly.
“Meet me at the usual cafe in fifteen mins, can you?”
“What,” Seungcheol frowned even though he knew Jeonghan couldn’t see it. “For real?”
“I know you can do it, Seungcheol-ah! See you in fifteen!” Jeonghan said cheerfully and cut off the phone call without hearing the latter’s protest.
It had always been like that. A carefree Jeonghan who always tried to get whatever he wanted. It was not like Seungcheol hated it though.
“You're five minutes late,” Jeonghan said at the moment Seungcheol arrived in front of him.
“ Christ, ” Seungcheol replied, panting. “I ran here.”
Jeonghan pouted before bursting into laughter seeing the other guy’s pink cheeks – he really did run here. “I was joking, actually. You’re five minutes early.”
“You better fix that attitude of yours, Hannie.” Seungcheol rolled his eyes as he sat down across the latter. “So, what is it this time?”
“My boyfriend’s birthday is next week. Help me think of a present.”
“What– which boyfriend? You haven’t told me anything.” Seungcheol frowned while pointing his finger at Jeonghan.
There he goes again.
“You don’t know him, he’s someone I met from a dating app.”
“How about Dokyeom? Aren’t you dating him now?”
“No, we broke up last month.”
Seungcheol blinked a few times. “I didn’t even know that. For real?”
“Of course.” Jeonghan nodded. “It's just, whenever we met we mostly talked about work, games, or went shopping together so I thought there’s no need to tell you about it.”
“Well you’re right…” Seungcheol muttered, one hand on his nape. “Then, you tell me about your boyfriend this time because you need my help choosing his birthday gift?”
Jeonghan nodded. “He’s rich so I don’t think anything I give him will make him happy. He already has everything.”
He really does. He has you.
“If he loves you, he will love anything you give him.”
“But…”
“It’s not like you to be insecure, Hannie,” Seungcheol chuckled. “Come on, I’ll help.”
It hurts me, but if it makes you happy then I’m fine with it.
2020
“Cheol-ah, I got myself a new boyfriend.”
“Weren’t you just got dumped last week?” Seungcheol asked, one eyebrow raised.
You never learned, don’t you?
“Ouch,” Jeonghan winced at the question. “I forgot about that asshole already. Don’t remind me of him again.”
“And now you are dating another guy already? That’s quick, Hannie. Where did you pick him up this time?”
“Hey, my boyfriend isn’t a stray cat.” Jeonghan pouted. “He used to be our high school friend, you know him.”
“What? Who?” Seungcheol was getting himself ready to bombarded Jeonghan with questions until he heard the name slip out of the latter’s tongue.
“Jisoo, Jisoo. You remember him, right?”
“There’s no way I would forget him. You two used to stick together like glue but I thought you two don’t talk anymore since college.”
Yup, still remember how jealous I was before when you ditched me for him.
“Yup, we kinda talked again and he confessed to me last week.”
“Do you even like him though?”
“I do,” Jeonghan said with a smile.
That stings.
2021
“Cheol-ah, can you come to my house?”
Seungcheol could hear Jeonghan's sniffles throughout the phone line. He knew it had something to do with Jisoo, and he knew Jeonghan was in pain. He had to be there. He knew it might hurt him too, but he had to be there for Jeonghan.
Seungcheol took a peek at the clock on his bedroom wall. It was almost midnight, but Jeonghan needed him . He immediately wore his jacket and headed out of his house.
“I’m on my way, Hannie.”
“Hannie, you should stop giving your heart to people who can’t treat it well,” Seungcheol said.
Jeonghan’s eyes were red from crying. “I’d never thought Jisoo would ever cheat on me. I hate men.”
“You are one of them.” Seungcheol sighed. “And that means you hate me too.”
“Okay you and I are exceptions.” Jeonghan pouted.
Seungcheol could not help but to chuckle. “Thanks,” he said.
That makes me happy.
2022
“Hey, Choi Seungcheol, is there anyone you like?” Asked Jeonghan at the moment he crashed into Seungcheol's bedroom during their day off.
“Wha–” Seungcheol shrieked. It was Jeonghan’s habit to barge into his room without notice – it wasn’t like he was against it though – but still, what if Jeonghan walked in while Seungcheol did some private stuff like, you know .
“Or perhaps you are hiding a relationship from me??” Jeonghan bombarded him with another question. “You never tell me anything, and it’s been 4 years since you broke up with your ex.”
I like you . How Seungcheol wished he could say that out loud. But he was a coward and he would always be one.
“No, there’s no one and I’m not hiding anything,” he lied.
“Really? You are no fun.”
“It’s better to be no fun rather than being heartbroken once in a month like you, Hannie.”
“Ouch, you are so mean to me,” Jeonghan said as he sat near the bed – his favourite spot in Seungcheol’s room since they were still in elementary school.
“Cheol-ah,” he continued. “Why don’t you get in a relationship?”
Because all I want is you, Jeonghan. Because the one I want to be in a relationship with is no other than you.
“I have no time for that. You know I’m a busy person on the weekdays, there’s no way I could spare my time getting to know someone new, going on a date, and such,” Seungcheol explained – or making excuses, to be exact.
Jeonghan hummed as his reply. The room went silent for a straight few minutes until Jeonghan parted his lips again, “Right, right, you are a busy person. But you always still run to me whenever I need you.”
“You are an exception,” Seungcheol replied honestly this time.
“Thanks, I’m glad.”
“No worries.”
“Cheol-ah,” Jeonghan called again, now with a serious expression on his face.
“Yes? I’m listening,” Seungcheol answered, eyes glued to Jeonghan’s.
“I’m getting married next year.”
Jeonghan had always been someone else's.
He had lost count on how many guys he had dated. His heart belonged to one person only though, but it still hurt whenever he got dumped. He knew he was shitty for that, but he was too afraid of being rejected. What if things went south and he had to lose everything? He did not think he could handle that.
If only he could be more straightforward.
If only he was braver.
Maybe he would face the reason why Seungcheol always ran to him whenever he needed him.
Deep inside his heart, he might have known the reason already, but he was too afraid to face it and ran away from it. He went on dates with everyone else but him, jumping from one relationship to another, hoping it would make him forget him: his first love .
And now that he was tired of waiting, he had to make a decision he would regret in the future.
He looked back at Seungcheol who smiled while saying goodbye,
And he felt his heart being shredded to pieces.
2019
“Cheol-ah, I got dumped again.”
“ Again ? Hannie, seriously, isn’t this like the third time you get yourself dumped this year?”
Jeonghan nodded. “Maybe the problem is me.”
Well, no doubt it is. I always think of you whenever I’m on a date with someone else.
“Just forget him, okay? He doesn’t deserve you. Come on, let’s hang out and I will treat you to your favourite restaurant,” Seungcheol said as he offered his hand to Jeonghan who was sitting on the floor next to his bed.
“Thank you, Cheol-ah, you are the best!” Jeonghan said with a smile on his face.
You really are.
2020
“Hey, Choi Seungcheol, I heard some rumours that you date someone from your department,” Jeonghan said as he leaned towards Seungcheol at the photocopy room.
“Why don’t you work instead of gossiping here and there, Yoon Jeonghan?” Seungcheol replied, clearly ignoring the main answer that Jeonghan wanted to hear.
“So it’s true?”
“No, it’s just a rumour, right?” Seungcheol questioned back. “I’ve got tons of work to do already, there’s no time to date anyone. You know me best, Hannie.”
“Well, you are right,” Jeonghan admitted, trying his best not to sound too relieved. After all, it was him who was dating here and there all the time. He had no right to complaint even though the rumour is true.
“Then, how about dating someone you already know?”
I hope I’m not being too obvious.
Seungcheol coughed. “I don’t think I’ll have the time to date so–”
Jeonghan did not know how to react. Should he feel relieved? Should he feel disappointed?
“But if you ever like or date anyone, tell me first, okay?” Jeonghan requested.
“It’s not like you do that to me too,” Seungcheol replied, eyes still glued to the paperwork in front of him. “But okay, I’ll tell you first.”
I know it will hurt me knowing that one lucky person won’t be me, but it’s okay.
2021
Heartbreak sucks , Jeonghan thought to himself.
He knew getting into silly relationships would only get him nowhere. He thought the heartbreak when he got dumped or cheated on would at least not hurt – but he was wrong. A heartbreak was still a heartbreak, and who would have thought Jisoo – who was such a sweetheart – would dump him for someone else?
It was close to midnight when he picked up his phone and looked up Seungcheol's name. It rang twice until the line was picked and he could hear Seungcheol’s husky voice from the other side. It soothed him a little, but how he wished Seungcheol could be there with him right at that moment.
It did not take long for Seungcheol to arrive at his apartment and Jeonghan hugged him right away. He cried out loud to the point his lung hurt, but he did not know whether it was because of the heartbreak or because Seungcheol was there with him.
“Hannie, you should stop giving your heart to people who can’t treat it well,” Seungcheol said.
“I’d never thought Jisoo would ever cheat on me. I hate men,” he said.
“You are one of them.” Seungcheol sighed. “And that means you hate me too.”
“Okay you and I are exceptions.”
You’ve always been my exception, Seungcheol.
Seungcheol could not help but to chuckle. “Thanks,” he said.
“No worries. But for real though, heartbreak sucks.”
“That’s why you should get into a proper relationship where you are sure that person loves you and will treat you well, Jeonghan. You deserve so much better than all of those assholes, okay?”
It stings. Are you that clueless that you are the one I want?
An “okay” was all Jeonghan could let out. His heart ached, but he also knew it was his mistake too for never telling Seungcheol about his feelings. He wondered what would happen if he was brave enough to tell Seungcheol about it. He wondered what would change and what would not.
He hated himself for being such a coward.
2022
Jeonghan started to get tired of waiting.
He was tired of waiting for Seungcheol to realise his feelings, and on top of that, he was tired of being a pathetic person – pining on someone who would never be his.
So when his current boyfriend proposed to him, he had no excuse but to say yes. It was not like he did not like him. His boyfriend, Mingyu, was perfect. Visual, money, intelligent – he had it all. There was no reason for him to reject him, right? But why did Seungcheol's face show up immediately when he said yes? Wasn't he tired of waiting already?
He tried to smile as bright as he could when Mingyu put a ring on his left hand. He felt… weird, still hoping it was Seungcheol who was on his knee in front of him. But he had to stop being so delusional.
Seungcheol could never be his.
“Cheol-ah,” he said with a serious tone.
“Yes? I’m listening,” Seungcheol answered, eyes glued to Jeonghan’s.
“I’m getting married next year.”
I’m sorry.
“What?” Seungcheol asked, wondering if he had misheard things.
“I’m getting married next year. Mingyu proposed to me yesterday,” Jeonghan said with a pain in his heart – as if it was being sliced slowly with a knife.
I’m sorry.
Seungcheol’s expression was unreadable – even after knowing him since forever, Jeonghan still could not read it at all. Seungcheol just stared blankly at him, mouth gaped a little as if there was something on the tip of his tongue that he could not say out loud.
After a moment of silence, Seungcheol finally blinked and a smile showed up on his face.
Why are you smiling?
“Congratulations, Hannie. I’m happy for you.”
It was supposed to be a happy day for Jeonghan, but his feelings were messed up.
For the past year, Jeonghan tried his best to move on from Seungcheol and focused on his relationship with Mingyu. After all, they would become a married couple. But when the big day came, it turned out moving on was not as easy as he thought.
Especially by how good looking Seungcheol was in his black suit, reminding him of their high school prom night where they were both single and went there together as a pretentious couple.
“Hey, you look great,” said Seungcheol as soon as he stood in front of Jeonghan, astonished by the other’s beauty.
“Thank you, I know,” Jeonghan said with a sly grin on his face. “You too, you look great.”
“Thanks. And–” he said before a woman who was none other than one of the wedding staff approached them and said, “Mr. Yoon, I apologise for interrupting but your groom is waiting already. I will lead the way to the main hall.”
Jeonghan answered yes in a heartbeat and turned to Seungcheol, who quickly grabbed him by his arm – as if he was not ready to let Jeonghan go to the other guy.
It was too late, Seungcheol thought.
“Listen, Cheol-ah. You are an important person to me, and I cherish you with all my heart, but I have to go now, okay? Mingyu is waiting.”
“Ah, okay, sorry. I just want to wish you happiness, that’s all,” Seungcheol said as he let go of Jeonghan’s arm.
“Thank you, Seungcheol. You are the best.” Jeonghan tried his best to smile, not wanting to cry and ruin his make up.
“You know you are the best to me too.”
And you will forever be.