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It had only been a few weeks since life’s occurrences opened bellicosely his eyes with claws that left deep scars. These marks, though, didn’t resemble the physical ones. Oh, no. When realization had finally hit him with an unimaginable, suffocating strength, traces of pure sorrow scraped his soul. He was now the owner of a scar of guilt, and another one of irritation, and of anger, and misery and, and, and. They were so many he didn’t know if the external marks that were accumulated from years of transformations were more numerous than the emotional ones. All the same, Remus hid this fact in that old, big and well too familiar box of secrets.
To ignore his cuts, Remus distracted himself with a scarce variety of activities. However, ignoring his concerns had been more difficult lately because of his insistent need to see Sirius. It was pointless really, as their encounters were based on evening tea and a simple silence that carried every unspoken word and all the bravery to voice them. It was a comfortable quietness, nonetheless. Except for the times their exchanged glances expressed anything but fondness or nostalgia. Because sometimes such a forceful rage and frustration would fill them and they snapped at everything.
That day was particularly bad, as they both wanted to unburden some of their painful weight. It started when Remus was filling Sirius up with the Order new, and he made the huge mistake of mentioning Peter.
“We still got nothing about Peter-” Remus knew he had screwed up when Sirius neutral expression changed to a troubled one.
“Pettigrew.” Sirius interjected sternly.
It had happened before -the correction. Sirius wouldn’t accept any other way to call the traitor than Pettigrew, not Wormtail or Pete. The other man only corrected Remus, though. When Molly, Dumbledore or Harry call him as such, Sirius would keep quiet. And in that precise moment, it bothered Remus.
“It’s his name , Sirius.”
“I’m well aware of what his name is.” He said and looked at Remus warily when he didn’t rectify himself.
“Then let me say it.” They were sitting across from each other in the kitchen table. While their positions had been relaxed a moment before, they were now tense. It was a sensitive topic.
“No. James and Lily deserve more.” Sirius rested his elbows on the table and laced his fingers together, leaning. His eyes were darker, full of hate.
Remus sighed. Usually, he agreed with Sirius, and if it was another day, then Remus would have apologized and move on another topic. He didn’t though. Today, Remus felt as angry as Sirius. Neither of them was actually angry at the other man, they only wanted to scream the hurt out of their systems, and so it happens they alone would understand.
“James and Lily wouldn’t care what we call him.” Remus picked up enough bravery to add: “But they would have wished that we moved on. To not be this obsessive over Peter or so resentful.” Remus could have worn a softer voice. He didn’t.
Sirius’ glare was murderous. “As their best friend, I’ll respect them. Calling him like I used to when I trusted him, applies to that.”
“I respect them, too.” replied Remus more defensive.
“Then don’t talk about him as if he is a friend! He is another death eater, treat him as such.”
Offended, Remus tightened his fists. Sirius was implying that he didn’t care as much for his friends. How could he be so hypocrite? “I know he isn’t our friend anymore! Mentioning his name isn’t a sign of disloyalty!”
At the word, Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and raised his voice. “It is! You tone his name as if it was the weather we are talking about! Well, you shouldn’t! You should think about them more! You should be asking yourself what would they want! You should-” Remus was beyond mad, not only because he was telling him he wasn’t doing enough for his friends, but also because he knew what he was going to say. It was as clear as water in his eyes, curiously having the same colour. “You should-”
“Say it.” Remus demanded.
“You should have looked for Pettigrew all those years and know it wasn’t me! That I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt them.”
Retraining back tears, Remus cursed at Sirius for being so unfair.
“Don’t you dare.” Remus pressed his index finger strongly to the wooden table, not caring if it hurt. “How could I have noticed?”
Sirius barked a humorless laugh, an incredulous one. “How could you not?” Two pairs of eyes with equal fierce met, and they unleashed everything. There was no going back. Then again, what was there to go back? “I would have never betrayed them.”
There was no more yelling. No use to do it anyway. The cold tones that worded every sentence harshly was more than enough to cut the thick layers they had built since kids.
“Me neither, and yet you doubted me first.” When Remus was first fulfilled with the events from 12 years prior, his heart had ached so hard, it forced his to choke out a sob.
Hurt crossed Sirius’ eyes for a moment, but then he run his hands through his hair and dropped them with more force than necessarily. “I know I made a mistake, but so did you! You had years to make everything right!”
It was a one-on-one conversation. Interposed accusations and an unnecessary need to bury themselves in bickering filled any space with silence. There was no room to their usual comfortable quietness.
Remus was crossed. So, so crossed and guilty. Regret of not fighting, wondering and thinking of the events of Halloween of 1981 was constantly in Remus’ mind. He knew now and back then what was needed to be done, and yet, he hadn’t done anything.
“I wouldn’t have had to do it if you had trusted me! They wouldn’t be dead- ” They often used the word gone, to ease the impact of the facts. This time, Remus spat the word. Forced reality to asphyxiate heir minds. It was cruel and he knew it. It was what the world and life had taught him.
“If you had done anything but pity yourself then maybe you’d had figured the obvious certitude that I wasn’t the traitor! You knew me! You were stupid.”
“I was in love!” Remus shouted and Sirius kept quiet for a few seconds. Although it was clear he was still upset.
The many times he had thought about confessing he had never stopped loving Sirius, it had never been like this. It was always by the safe fire and so much innocent endearment that it opaqued anything else.
With the most heartless tone, Sirius added. “Apparently it wasn't enough love.” He mocked.
From his thirty-four years of life, Remus couldn’t remember the time he hadn’t been in love with Sirius. The time when his heart didn’t beat faster by the simple thought of him or his mind could deny picturing him. Remus had loved the other man with everything he had. It had been hard to open up and accept this new form of adoration, but it was worth it. If someone asked, Remus would accept without hesitating to live everything again.
And now, Sirius was invalidating his feelings, saying it wasn't enough. All he had left was love, and it still wasn't good enough.
“It was too much if you ask me.” He said, equally emotionless.
“If you had loved me more than you couldn’t have got me out of your mind, and be forced to reflect! You wouldn’t help but question my actions!” Sirius punched the table and his eyes never left Remus’.
Through gritted teeth, he replied. “If I had loved you any less, I would have bared the thought of you! The image of you wouldn’t have chased me! Confusion and exasperation wouldn’t have made me crazy!” Remus made sure he looked as far as he could in Sirius’ gaze. He searched his soul and tried to deliver the message like a bucket of cold water. “Because in my eyes you were still the boy I met at Hogwarts that would turn the world upside down for me! You were still my first love. I would have never thought my Padfoot was the traitor.”
In an act of neglect, Sirius may have shown a second, maybe two of vulnerability before their brawl continue. “But you did, didn’t you? You thought I was for years!”
Remus threw his arms up in frustration. “Of course I did! There was proof and no one to contradict? What was I going to do? Blindly fight for you with no one by my side?! It wouldn’t have ended well either way.” Remus closed his eyes tightly. “Love was clouding my perspective.”
Still with his eyes closed, Remus heard Sirius spoke up again. “Maybe you shouldn’t have never loved me.”
Opening abruptly his eyes open, he expected to see nothing in Sirius’ eyes, no even anger. It might have been better that way. But no, instead there was deep sadness and care. His bottom lip was trembling.
Because Remus wanted to hurt him, he voiced a word just as sharp. He was aware that his gaze mirrored Sirius, though. “Probably.”
Tears started to fall down his cheeks. Instead of whipping them, Remus stood up, opened the cabinet full of alcohol, grabbed the cheapest and strongest one he could find and took a long sip. After, he sat down again and passed it to Sirius who took it gratefully.
And that was that. In reality, neither blamed the other, and they were both aware of it. Pretending to despise everything was easier than to accept they only hated themselves. It was fine, though, they were together.