Work Text:
“I”
“Love”
“You”
The first time Vi had heard those words from Caitlyn, in that order, her shock was unavoidable. Her mouth hung slightly open, and she stared blankly. Caitlyn, of course, assured her that she didn’t need to say it back. Whatever she was comfortable with was okay.
“I just need you to know that there is someone in this world who loves you.” she said.
A small smile and a quiet ‘thank you’ was all Vi could muster in response, much to her regret. Then Caitlyn hugged her tightly. Her mind was full of questions; should she say it back? Could she say it back? She’d like to say she wanted to, but those words were terrifying, and something she hadn’t heard for nearly a decade. A decade that was spent alone, being beaten and miserable and sometimes wanting to die except she knew that she couldn’t. A decade not knowing if anyone she cared about was still alive, tormented by memories of... Nevermind. Too much pain. Too much guilt.
Guilt.
She always blamed herself. Maybe it’s what she deserves.
She finally accepted what she had with Caitlyn but she could never shake the guilt, or the fear. The fear of loss but worse, hurting yet another person she cared about.
The years that she had to dwell on her past, and mistakes, always led to the same end: “it was my fault”. That stupid job. That stupid, fucking, punch. If she had stopped at either one... She hated thinking about it. But she always did. It defined her.
And how could she not worry? She was a fixer who always broke things. She tried so many times and it always seemed like everything went wrong.
So many fears.
It’s not enough that she messes up by accident. Always looking at her fist and remembering that blood. Who is to say she won’t lose control again? Hurt someone else that she lov—cares about? Hurting is all she can ever do.
It wasn’t always about others, though. She didn’t want any more hurt. At least not that kind. If Caitlyn were injured, or worse it was just another person for her to lose. Her heart ached at that thought. She could take a punch—she could take all the beatings. But the constant, crushing feeling on her heart was something that sometimes made her slump against the wall and sob. Maybe it’s what she deserves.
So much loss.
She didn’t want to do it again. She couldn’t do it again. Please don’t make her do it again. But she feared it would happen again. She didn’t know how much she could take. How could anyone go through so much? Two families? Everyone she loved died. What if Caitlyn was no different? She hated those words.
She had given up the thought of leaving. But she still wondered if it was the right choice. If she stays, Caitlyn could get hurt or worse. If she leaves, she hurts Caitlyn but potentially spares her the suffering she caused everyone else. And then there’s herself. The thought which made her even more guilty. She had no right to care about her own wants. But... if she left... she could spare Caitlyn... and her own suffering. Yet maybe it’s what she deserves.
So lonely.
But maybe that’s all there is. Being alone is the only way to avoid being hurt again. And maybe it’s what she deserves. Caitlyn gets hurt either way; and this way there’s less of a chance she meets the fate of everyone else Vi cared about. And Vi gets to suffer, just like she deserves. Yes.
But she’d already given up that thought. She can’t go back on her word. But sometimes she couldn’t help staring out the window toward the south side and thought it would be better that way.
Then she’d laugh.
Caitlyn would just chase her down.
She’d laugh harder.
How did it get this far? How did she go from being tied down in prison to being tied down to some gorgeous, intelligent Piltie who... Those words? Caitlyn would smack her if she knew she thought like this. Well, not really. She’d never do that. She’d just give a stern look of disapproval and maybe say she wanted to.
How did it come to this?
She’d laugh even harder.
That thought would calm her down. Those three words... in that order. Maybe she shouldn’t run from them. They were scary. But maybe they were good. She just forgot what they felt like. It made her a little sad at first but... Maybe it’s what she deserves. Shit. All that internal fighting. Her head was starting to sound like Cait.
“You deserve so much, blah blah blah”
God, why? She didn’t deserve Caitlyn. That was obvious. But at that rate, she couldn’t fight her. If she was so intent on it then Vi had to let her have her way. A compromise. Maybe it’s what she deserves. Fine. Caitlyn can have her way. Vi doesn’t deserve the right to take that away from her. Okay, maybe she can live with it.
Could she? Could she accept any form of happiness? Especially with her fears?
She’d pout.
What did it matter? She can’t leave anymore so the debate is useless.
She’d smile.
“Fine.” she said audibly.
‘What I want doesn’t matter’ she lied. ‘Cait will have her way with me regardless.’
Err. Have her way, regardless.
Her wants were irrelevant. Yes. She couldn’t escape Caitlyn’s... Love, if she wanted to. Might as well just accept it. It was the only way. Besides, she’s too much of a fighter. She couldn’t run away. She didn’t have that in her. She never gave up. She had no less fear than anyone else, but she never gave in to it. Why is this any different?
In the end, the cupcake gets what the cupcake wants.
Still, the adjustment is hard. Try as she may to accept, or even welcome it. Hearing those 3 words, in that order, without feeling weird or nervous would take some time. And then there’s—
“I love you.” she heard for the second time
And then the third. And the fourth. Suddenly Caitlyn was saying it every day. Multiple times a day, even. When they went to bed. When she woke up. When they hugged. And every time, her senses to it dulled. In a good way. The kind of good way where you smile every time, instead of not noticing. The kind of way where she can start saying the word ‘love’ without hesitation. The kind of way where maybe, just maybe, she wants to hear it. The kind of way where all her fears started washing away and all she wanted was to hear those words and... Well.
“Hey, Cupcake.” she said to a Caitlyn who perked her eyebrow.
“I love you too.”