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Her vision was always tinted red these days from the frustration of being so close to him, but not allowed to touch. Or kiss. Or say all the silly things she was always too proud to admit to before. Being near him now as a stranger, felt like her skin was being pealed off one strip at a time, leaving her defenseless and vulnerable.
She knew her part and played it well, though. Keep him interested, keep him off balance. Lie always. And above all, never let on how much she cared, needed him, missed him.
For so long, she had known these days were coming. They’d even discussed it. But she’d had no idea how hard it would be. How much restraint and force of will would be necessary to maintain this front. How cold she would she have to become or how much she grow to hate it.
And all this, she did not for herself. No, her time with him was long gone now. Their days of adventure existed only as a bittersweet memory to be read in a book on lonely nights, of which she had plenty. The only thing she had to look forward to was reaching the bloody conclusion.
This self-imposed torture, she endured for her younger self. To make her life one worth living so that all the memories she held in her heart would come true like the most powerful of wishes. The wish to be something more than the crimson programming of destruction that had been her first teacher. The Doctor wasn’t just the love of her life, he was her salvation. Without him, she would have been nothing more than a monster in the hands of monsters.
The red that colored her vision was born of anger and pain. It called her back to her early days when she knew only how to be a killer. She railed against the future that took her farther and further away from her other half. She surrendered to herself and fought against her guards, courting violence and mayhem. The unfairness of it settling into her bones caused her to strike out against anything within reach. After everything she had been through to be with him, to have to watch him forget her was like being killed slowly and painstakingly. It made her long to turn the whole universe red like her soul.