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I’ve been trying to go home my whole life-
Chelsea Diugurun
A stray leaf was carried by the wind, it travelled above the skyscrapers of a quiet Yokohama announcing the imminent arrival of fall: the sun was setting and the skies were painted in crimson and orange shades, that evening the city was calm, almost asleep, of noises that could be heard, there were only the chirping of birds and some rare car passing by the roads. Days like these were rare, and so they needed to be cherished the most.
Atsushi almost refused to turn on the lights of his apartment: his lover was stunning bathed in colors of the sunset: brown hair reflected a halo of ocherous and salmon lights which were coming from the large window of the living room, his eyes were lighter than usual and the silver could swear he’d seen sparkles in those chestnut pupils, but the most attractive thing about the brunette was his unformal attire. Atsushi always believed that Dazai dressed in different clothes from the ones he used to wear at work, had a special charm, it was like a different version of him, simpler, unusual and -he didn’t have the courage to admit in loud voice- rather cute.
But clothes weren’t the point, what was important was what they were about to spent together: that evening, when they finished working, the elder proposed to make hot chocolate together, and the silver, despite being exhausted, noticed the happy smile of his man and could do nothing but accept, so they walked together to the dorms to set everything up.
So, they were there: dressed in cozy clothes trying to make hot chocolate.
-Uhm Atsushi-kun,
A harmonious voice reverberated through the room; the younger looked at the older.
-If you stop staring at me maybe we can start- a smirk appeared on Dazai’s face: he was gazing at the boy with crossed arms.
A creping blush was spreading on Atsushi’s cheeks: he had been discovered; embarrassed, he tried to avoid the brunette’s eyes.
A huff echoed in the silence.
-don’t act all flustered now- he pinched the silver’s cheek -I know, I’m a very attractive man- he winked.
-Dazai-san!
Now the younger was definitely purple. Dazai’s antics always made the boy shy but the worst part of all brunette’ speeches was that he always was right.
-Okay, Okay, I’ll be serious now: what have we to do?
-It wasn’t you who proposed to make hot chocolate?
-I proposed yes, but I’ve never said that I knew how to do it.
Atsushi scowled. He had to predict it. Dazai had little to zero knowledge about cooking or kitchen stuff in general.
The silver grabbed the box and briefly read the instructions, his expression focused reading, brows furrowed. He was that concentrated he had lost the sight of his
lover studying him: the brunette had one hand under his chin and a curious look in his eyes; Atsushi was always a surprise, he had patience and love to give to someone like him, Dazai never expected to have someone who cared for him like this, and still he found Atsushi. Something in his chest melted: it was beautiful to be loved.
-Okay so here it says we have to pour some milk in a pot, and then to add the chocolate and fuse it with the milk, it isn’t difficult, isn’t it?
The younger smiled.
The elder nodded, then grasped the carafe and put the milk in it.
-Dazai-san that’s too much- the silver yelled but couldn’t hide a smile.
-What’s the matter? We will have more chocolate
-That’s not how it works!
-Then show me.
-What are you-
-Help me do it, let’s do it together.
A sheepish smile appeared on Dazai’s face: it was different form the ones he usually gave to the clients at the agency or to the waitress at the bar -Atsushi wasn’t a jealous man but still, that had upset him several times, anyway this was another story- it was tender, soft and rather sincere: the younger liked to believe that smile was somewhat akin to the real one the brunette would make, he wished to see it one day.
The sun was stretching his last rays of warm light, now the elder’s eyes reflected the blue of the evening sky: Dazai was looking at him, still smiling: Atsushi blushed;
he still had to answer.
-Uhm yes.
Then, he guided Dazai’s warm hand and helped him pouring the milk from the carafe into the pot.
His hands are bigger than mines.
A kiss on the forehead startled him: it was fast, like a peck but long enough to make Atsushi understand what had happened. Then he returned the gesture kissing the brunette’s cheek.
The elder’s face tinted in a slight blush, almost invisible, but the silver noticed it and smiled happily: he wanted to make the brunette feel loved too, he always tried to return his gestures, to add something more to that something that they were slowly building together.
The last ray of sun disappeared, letting the city fall in a warm evening, the noises of the day stopped and the ones of the night were starting, time was passing but for the silver it seemed to go slowly, perhaps he didn’t want that evening to finish so soon.
After a while they finally made it: the chocolate was ready and the younger was pouring it in two large cups. Dazai, who got bored after a while, was laying on the couch upside-down singing an unknown song.
-Atsushi-kuuun did you made it?
You should have helped me. Atsushi thought, but he was happy: the brunette looked relaxed and comfortable, it was the most important thing to him.
The younger took the two cups in his hands, slightly surprised at how hot they were, and went to his lazy lover.
-Watch out, they’re boiling hot.
The elder sat up and grabbed his cup from Atsushi’s hand: he sniffed it, content. The silver sat next to him putting his head on the brunette’s shoulder. Silence filled the room for some moments, both too focused on their inner world. Atsushi turned his head in the gap between Dazai’s shoulder and his bandaged neck inhaling his scent: it was good and smelled like home, the smell of the bandages melted with a note of vanilla which the younger didn’t know where it came.
The brunette slowly made his way to his lover waist gently holding his left side: he sighed, he had never felt so at ease in his whole life. To be honest, he had never had the chance to feel relieved, his mere existence was filled with violence, blood and many other things which he hated to discuss about; during those days each of his breaths was put on the hedge by the dangerous life of mafia, he didn’t have the time to feel calm or something similar.
-Dazai-san, thank you.
The younger whispered.
-I’ve always had nothing in my life, the only things I got were slaps on my face, or words filled with poison from the other children at the orphanage or from the headmaster, they saw me like a monster and I was starting to believe it too- he took a sip of chocolate from his cup. -then you took my hand and you started showing me colors I haven’t saw before, even now, I’ve never thought I could enjoy something like this- he smiled, stealing from the moon all the light -so thank you so much.
Dazai, hearing that speech, was of some kind of purple shade.
Atsushi-kun, I’m a weak man, be careful to what you tell me.
-I should be the one telling you those things.
His voice faltered a bit.
Oh.
Atsushi turned to look at his lover’s eyes, what he saw, it was priceless:
-Dazai-san you’re blushing.
Shit.
-No, I’m not.
He hated having his deepest feelings exposed.
-yeah you are. Am I embarrassing you?
The brunette tried to hold his gaze but it was oh so difficult, those bright eyes were staring at him with curiosity, and he almost didn’t have the strength to endure his
stare.
-Atsushi-kun, teasing a person older than you, you’re mean.
-I’m not teasing, I’m just stating the truth. You’re blushing Dazai-san.
-I repeat you that I’m not. And even if I was, where would be the problem?
Two small hands cupped the elder’s face. The chocolate forgot on the small round table.
-I’ve never said it was a problem.
Then the silver kissed the brunette’s nose, and put his arms around the nullifier’s neck.
-So, you feel this way too.
-This way?
-The way I feel when I’m with you.
-What do you mean?
Atsushi looked at him and whispered:
-Grateful, I always feel grateful towards you
-What has blushing to do with being grateful?
The silver rolled his eyes.
-What has to do with it? It has that when you feel grateful, you feel warmth in your chest, when you look at someone who is precious to you, it’s almost like you think
“I can’t think bad of you, because you’re important and I accept you” or “Thank you for every time you help me with things I struggle, I guess”- he caressed his lover’s shoulders, -and I think that telling these things to another person, especially the one whom you are grateful, requires bravery. But bravery often comes with a lot of embarrassment and the latter often makes people blush. What’s brave it’s how and if you fight that blush. – he smiled, - So yes, I think that blush and gratefulness are related. – concluded.
Dazai was marveled, where had his shy lover learnt such things? He chuckled. He always surprised him.
-Why are you laughing?
-I was asking myself when you became so talkative, it isn’t like you.
Atsushi’s smile widened:
-I told you, I’m grateful of my life with you.
Dazai leaned his head on his lover shoulder hiding his face under his brown bangs.
Oh man, I want to rail him.
-Dazai-san?
-Atsushi-kun, are you telling me am I not brave?
-No, you’re the bravest.
-But I haven’t said anything.
-You’re here with me, despite your fears of getting close to people, so this makes you the bravest.
-Atsushi-kun.
The latter’s eyes widened.
-I’m grateful too.
The silver looked at him: red cheeks and baggy clothes, the version of Dazai reserved only to him. He was beautiful.
-thank you, my love.
Outside, the stray leaf carried by the wind was nowhere to be seen, maybe it was still flying through the skies, or maybe it has fallen on some roof, or still it could be sleeping on the ground, leaned onto the cold grass. What was certain, was that the world always changed, moved, modified: night arrived, then morning happened again, but the day that was about to come was different from the day before, similar but only in some aspects. The love between the two detectives was pretty unchanged as day passed but each morning carried something different, challenging for them, and, like the leaf was carried by the wind, they were slowly getting carried by the strong feelings built in each other’ souls.