Chapter Text
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1.1
People come and people go
But we keep standing here alone
Inhibitions slowing down
All our senses have gone numb
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She was smiling.
A joyous, widespread grin danced across her lips as she ran away from me. Sunrays were playing across her brown hair, giving it a magical effect as it tumbled down her shoulders, a flower crown with a pink ribbon sat on her head. Her usual pale skin became vibrant as her happiness spread like a virus. A sixteen year old gorgeous girl in her plain knee-length, pink flowy dress. She was in her slippers as she ran, giggling, across the grassy field. All seemed peaceful, simple yet magical at that moment. And she was so breathtaking.
She halted and turned to me, her smile still intact. My seventeen year old self couldn't help but to smile back, radiating the same intensity of happiness. At that moment, I was contented. It was enough for me. She was enough for me. The fact that this girl was my girlfriend and that she loved me as much as I loved her was already enough for me.
She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted, "Jongin-oppa, why are you still standing there?"
I shook my head, trying to shake the memory off my mind.
No, I had no time for that. I had no time for her.
I tried to concentrate as I looked at the charts for this month's progress through my glasses, my desk lamp giving me light. Judging by how the red line on the graph descended and by other bothering details, I could tell that this month's sales went haywire. And instead of giving me distraction, it only gave me another headache. I rubbed the bridge of my nose after removing my glasses and putting it on my desk. I put down the disturbing papers and leaned on my office chair, swiveling it until I faced the office glass walls. The curtains were drawn, showing me the wide frame of the city. It was dark outside and Seoul illuminated city lights from buildings to streets and cars. The night sky was blanketed by thick clouds and if the news was correct, it would be snowing later. But since my back didn't ache and the news these days couldn't be trusted anymore, I guessed it wouldn't snow.
Aching backs.
Snow and rain.
"Jagiya, come on. I told you already, it would probably rain!" I shouted back to her.
She showed me her pouty face as she replied, "And I told you, its perfectly sunny right now. How could it possibly rain? You're just superstitious, how can your back determine the weather?"
I gathered pace as I walked towards her. Thankfully, she didn't run away. I said as I came to her side, "I swear, it really rains whenever my back aches. Even in this perfect weather."
She scrunched her nose as I reached out to hold her hand. She let me and I squeezed it.
"Now, let's go back," I told her, tugging her hand to follow me as I walked.
But she refused. She was so stubborn and yet, I loved it about her. She said she wanted to stay longer. So instead of going back, we trudged towards a big sakura tree, the biggest I'd seen in my life. It was summer and the cherry blossoms weren't in bloom yet. We sat and leaned on its trunk, our hands still interlocked.
As we did, I saw a carving that we both made before. It was the day when I had confessed my feelings to her. She didn't answer at that time. She had giggled and led me towards this place. Then she had carved my nickname on the trunk. She had urged me to carve her nickname under mine. I had been confused yet I had obliged. Afterwards, she had carved a heart, encasing both our nicknames in it. I had kissed her for the first time, right there and then. It had been the best answer for me.
I grinned as I stared at the carvings. It was 7 months ago, yet the day was still so vivid in my mind. I was sentimental that way.
"카이" (Kai) and "니니" (Nini), that was what we had carved. She gave me "Kai" as a nickname. When I asked her about it, she told me its the first compliment I had given to her. Then I remembered, I had been studying Japanese at that time and we were classmates, it was two months before I had confessed to her. What I had meant to say was "you're kawaii" (you're cute), but then it came out wrong due to my nervousness. She had laughed at my face after I said "Y-you're K-Kai." I remembered my face had been so red.
She noticed my grin and she smiled back as she stared at the carvings herself.
"Its still there," she said.
I squeezed her hand. "Of course it is," I turned to her, "As long as we love each other." She leaned towards me and gave me a peck on the lips. It was a small gesture yet I felt my stomach flipped. She smiled ever so softly and said, "I will always love you, my Kai." I leaned towards her and let our foreheads touch as I replied, "I will too, my Nini."
Later that day, we danced gleefully under the rain in the middle of a summer day.
I blinked and as I did, the grassy field was gone and was replaced by the four walls of my spacious and lonely office. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed it in a washing gesture. I let off a sigh as I sinked further in my chair and looked above, facing the ceiling.
Slowly, a single tear escaped from my left eye but I didn't bother to wipe it away. I felt like my heart was squeezed painfully by an imaginary hand. I shut my eyes close and let the memories wash over me.
The day I saw her at my Japanese class. It was then that I realized what love-at-first-sight meant. I was too shy to approach her back then. After three weeks of stalking (yeah, I was weird that way, though I didn't do creepy things to her), I gathered enough courage to say hi to her. It was then that I saw her laugh up close. She was so beautiful, even though she had been laughing at my expense. I did my best, trying to get close to her. And for two months, I succeeded. And even better, I had managed to make her fall for me. The day when I confessed, I brought her to my favorite place. The grassy field four blocks away from my house and six blocks away from our school.
I was glad for the place. I saw how rapidly our city was growing. Seoul had been getting more industrialized, yet the place remained untouched, remained peaceful, reminding me of my youthful days at our province.
When we came, she told me she knew that place too since her family owned that lot. I reveled in our connection and had been even more determined to confess. That day also, she led me to her favorite place. The sakura tree in the middle of the grassy field, just yards away from my favorite spot. There we had kissed and our relationship had started.
For eight months, we even got more closer. We spend our times together. We kissed and slept together, just cuddling under the starry night. One night we sneaked out of our houses to camp under the sakura tree. We talked and laughed while staring and pointing at constellations. We spent the night there and I barely held myself together. She was so close, so tempting, yet I restrained myself. I watched her angelic form as she slept and I had been patient. The following morning her parents found us. How they came, I didn't know. They found out our relationship. They were so enraged, especially her father. She was grounded for several days and I had been lonely. It was the sad days of our love story.
But then again, the love story ended sad as well.
I didn't noticed that I was crying until I heard a low whimper. It was from me. I cleared my throat, grateful that I was alone right now, then I scowled and thought how could I ever be happy with loneliness. I blinked the tears away as I wiped my cheeks. I stood up from my chair and looked at the scattered papers on my desk.
My computer was open, showing a blank page from documents, waiting for me to form a proposal to my business partners. I was supposed to think of plans of helping the company avoid any business crisis, yet I couldn't think of anything right then. I didn't even bother checking the remaining reports from different departments, they would eventually give me more headaches.
For three years, I did manage running a company that I had inherited from my father. At the young age of twenty-one, I became the CEO of Monhwa (몬흐아) Enterprises. For three years, business was steady and fairly successful. Yet, there was always a downside to it. Every year, on a certain month, the company would face some problems. Every in between November and December.
And I knew it was because of me.
But at the least, those three years were much easier to handle since my work could be a distraction. It was worse before that, for four years. Those years were the most unbearable for me.
I glanced at the small calendar on the corner of my table. It sat beside a small pot of grass, which was already showing signs of decay. I stared at the current date I was in.
November 26, 2018
Seven years after our tragedy. The day of my seventh year of loneliness, rage, hatred, longing and reminiscing.
The company can wait.
Deep inside, I knew I wouldn't have been able to survive the night if I kept bottling my feelings. I was not that strong.
I had to go.
I walked towards the clothing rack and grabbed my coat and put it on. I grabbed my car keys from my desk and turned my lamp off as I walked towards the door to my office. I hesitated by the doorknob. I turned around, faced my desk and stared at the pot of grass. Even in the dark, I could see its' decaying leaves.
"Kai-oppa, do you ever think of the future?" Nini suddenly asked, breaking the silence as we leaned on the trunk of her favorite tree, sitting side by side and holding hands.
"Hmm, I always dream about it," I replied.
"What were your dreams about?" She asked as she turned to look at me.
I turned to her with a relaxed smile on my face, and said, "About you. About us."
She blushed and turned away. I thought she looked cute and my heart skipped a bit. She said quietly, "Me too."
I turned away too as I leaned back on the trunk, grinning from ear to ear. "I always dream about us, think about us and even daydream about us. There are just so many what-ifs," she continued. I hummed a reply, happy about what she had said.
"But the future worries me," she said. I knitted my eyebrows and turned back to her. I sensed something coming. Something bad.
Girls were just so worrisome.
She didn't meet my eyes, rather, it seemed that she's more interested on a bug on the ground as she stared at it. For a second, I sensed an irrational jealousy against the bug.
She continued, "Aside from the good things like getting married," - we both blushed here - "and having kids," - more blushing and sort of throat-clearing - "Some bad things constantly dawned on me."
"What's worrying you, jagiya?" I urged her to continue, also worried.
"I just thought...what if someday...you'll leave me?"
I became silent. Stunned at her question. Hurt by it. The hurt must've registered on my face since her face soften.
"No, no, its not that I don't trust you Jongin-ah," she hurriedly said, "but...I just thought of the possibility. What if we're not really meant to be? What if we'll part ways someday? What if we both break each others' hearts?" As she spoke, her voice sounded fragile, on the verge of breaking. And her face looked sorrowful, like her words were hurting her as much as it was hurting me.
I moved close to her and slid my arm around her waist. I reached for the back of her head and I embraced her. Tight. I closed my eyes as I inhaled her familiar scent, my nose on her hair. I kissed her forehead as I whispered, "Don't ever think about that ever again. Nini, I swear in front of this ancient cherry blossoms that I won't ever, ever, leave you. As long as we love each other. As long as our names are still on this tree."
I broke our embrace and grabbed a handful of grass from the ground. I held it up to her and she looked at it, teary and confused. "This serves as our contract, our witness of my promise! And as long as I'll keep it, my promise would be kept too," I said to her and she bursted out laughing at my ridiculous act.
Tears. Again.
I didn't noticed I was crying again as I stared at the pot of grass. I wiped my tears furiously. I stormed towards an icebox in the corner of my office. It was small and light enough for me to carry. Carry it, I did. It was essential. The only thing that could help me through times like this.
Guilt. Resentment. Anger. Hurt. Regret. All of these flowed through my veins, squeezing my heart ever so painfully, as I walked back to the door, carrying the icebox. But no, I didn't regret my decision. I shouldn't have. Because it was for her. Everything was for her. I closed the door with a bang.
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1.2
Getting twisted, the love and hate
All our memories behind that gate
Dyed in white, they are slowly
fading right before our
eyes
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