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There is something inside you.
Something that burns and warms and lives and breathes. Something that exists but all you know of it is the pulsing heat, the strength it grips your heart and then lets it go. It always is there. Sometimes, just as the moon, it disappears into the oblivion that is the emptiness of your emotions. You have seen too many things, experienced things that those beside you haven’t. You are okay with going on, leaving this new actor hiding behind the curtain.
You keep going on.
Life goes on, as it always must. There is a lingering fear that has now become a thing of the past, one that you do not feel as a new script lays in your hands. It is soon the time for another performance somewhere that isn’t Seisho, yet is still your stage. It doesn’t feel as scary as you though it would. You do not feel as scared as you thought you would.
You wake up the same way you always had. You go to the Royal Academy the same way you always have. You talk to the same people, you act or learn how to polish your skills. It is motony of a simple life, a good life. You are alone now.
It is okay now. It is okay. There is no fearing of disappointment, of seeing the stars you spend decades gazing turn into supernovas.
You keep going on.
Yet, there still remains another. Another person, the girl you shared a stage with, a girl you loved and felt disappointed by and hated and then loved again. You walk forward but you still have one last thing that makes you look behind.
You sit by the stairs. You are alone. She is away, miles and time zones away. Today will be the day she will be practicing with Hisame. Apparently, you seemed to always attract girls with a passion for the stage of Broadway.
Practice had been hard, so much new information and change. You hated change for it gave you no chance to think, no chance to adapt and do what you thought was best. That is over now. You have adapted once again, sit in the cold stairs alone but this time with a peaceful heart.
Your phone vibrates. You pick it up. You smile.
Junna-chan: sorry, just finished practice.
Junna-chan: how are you?
You: resting~ how was practice?
You: make sure to rest!! :)
Junna-chan: it went alright! we gave our best and that’s all that matters.
Junna-chan: hisame says hi btw.
You don’t reply yet. You stare at the blinking text. The dark layout helps with your headache, with the lack of light that this part of the stairs has. It reminds you of a spot you shared with her back at Seisho.
You went there with her, once in a repeating of yours. She had been so serious and so worried to break a rule or two. You had smiled and assured her that it was alright, that she was safe, that no matter what you’d keep her away from trouble.
You hadn’t done much. You’d sat there as she slowly succummed to the slumber she’d denied herself by studying all night. You’d laid her head in your lap and let her rest until the bell rang and you woke her up slowly. Your legs had hurt after and you had barely been awake yourself, but she was smiling and thanking you and you had no need for anything else.
You remember to reply.
You: with you two as leads there is not a single chance of the play not being the best, you know?
Junna-chan: thank you for your support. but we won’t let that get to our heads!
You: i’m sure you won’t~
You put the phone down. You look at the darkness of the corridor in front of you. Sometimes, if you stared hard enough, you felt as if the darkness could stare back. You were all alone and now it felt calming, it felt a breath of fresh air from all the workload and stress that life at the Academy gave you.
You think of Junna, as you find yourself thinking whenever you have some free time that isn’t dedicated to studies and life. She has been busy, just as you have. Both of you have been dragged away by the responsibilities of the future that was laid before you.
You missed her. You didn’t miss her before, when time was in your hand and you knew she’d always be there. But now, when there are too many things in the scale, you feel like longing is one of the emotions that you can let yourself feel.
Junna is still by your side, even if the distance is at great as it can be. Yet you still can’t help but feel the bittersweet taste of missing someone as important as she were to you.
It has been 62 years and now this past year of being away and you still don’t get the way you feel for her. You don’t think you will in the 64th time. But you let yourself think now, just for a while. You give yourself the chance to feel these emotions in the protection of the distance placed between you.
Sometimes, some things are best kept secret. It turns out that all those repeatings have made you a perfect liar. Junna knows how you dislike unfinished stages, stages that could have been better were someone to pay more attention to them. Thus, you let these emotions covered by the sheet of secrecy until they are fully ready to be seen by an audience as amazing as Junna was.
You are interrupted, once again by your phone. You check it. It’s her.
Junna-chan: do you think there is a limit to what we can go for?
You: junna…
You: this banana is lacking the amount of pottasium needed for such questions now… i am going forward with the sheer power of bananas and a lack of sleep…
Junna-chan: OH MY GOD, GO SLEEP NANA.
Junna-chan: and that’s not even the right vitamin… but i’m curious.
You blink. You smile. Junna always had good questions.
You: i don’t think so. you wish for all you want to. for what is best. you wish for it and then use all you can to make it real! isn’t that what being a stage girl is all about?
Junna-chan: i see.
Junna-chan: do you wish of something?
Junna-chan: or has nana become a full time director now?
You: mm… i dunno~ right now i’m wishing for some banana muffins
You: i should make some actually!
Junna-chan: you know that’s not what i meant.
You look away. Ah, even far away and Junna still could see through you. Such an interesting girl she was. You wondered how she could know you so well. Had it been you who had let her? You don’t think so. Had it been her then? Junna with her calming words and passion for working towards what she wanted. Had opened the doors that were inside you and peeked into most of the rooms enough to remember each detail.
So similar yet different from you.
She only used herself to the brink of hurting herself to reach her goals. You weren’t afraid to play dirty, become an emotionless director that cut down and stared down until you reached your stage. Both of you had your own ways to reach what you want– it perhaps is why your stage broke in the first place.
And yet– yet, even with the blood of the wasted years on your hands, she still wanted a stage with you again. Still saw through your ways and saw someone worth caring for. Someone to want to share a stage with.
With you. A shared stage. Together.
Hadn’t she been the one to call you blinded? Hadn’t she told you she’d destroy all of your stages?
You: so sharp~ but alright!
You: i want for our stages to go as well as they can! for us all to reach them safely.
Junna-chan: that is for us all, you know? what does nana herself want for herself?
You: isn’t that the same?
You: besides, where did this come from? aren’t you with hisame-chan?
You: i know you don’t like to be on phone before others
Junna-chan: she’s talking on the phone with yanagi-san. our conversation before lead to this.
You give it a thought. Deep in you, there is that something that waits. Today, it is quiet. It doesn’t burn you, doesn’t make you feel as if you will burst from all it has inside. Today, that something rests.
But Junna’s words make it exist louder. Not enough to hurt, for you know too well how to not let yourself work against yourself, but enough to let itself be known.
A silly part of you wants to tell her you want a stage with her. A silly part of you, one that is 17 and hungry for the desire to be close with someone, wants to tell her that you want her. That silly part of you is of course, silly, thus you do not pay it much mind.
It is silly, yet its existence makes you frown. You cannot do this now. Feelings such as this are of the past. You promised to walk forward. And that is what you will do.
You: i want a bright stage.
You: we both are walking towards our next stages, and i only hope mine is as bright as yours will be.
Junna-chan: you are brilliant, nana.
Junna-chan: you already created so many stages for us. it is about time you put the same love and care into your own stage.
What about you? You want to ask. What about our stage? Where is that? You told me you wanted one with me. I was the one to tell you goodbye, to not give you a reply. What about that? What about that? Come on, Hoshimi Junna, what about that?
You want what you cannot have. Not that you cannot have it. Junna is passionate, devoted to all she loves. It makes sense she’d fall for someone who could see that, who could love the stage with equal passion.
You rarely saw just why she did, but the repeatings ended and all was laid on the table and you saw that glint in her eyes burn brighter than a flame.
And then you broke it all and saw her crumbled, barely baring resemblance to the girl you loved and then you saw her angry, you saw her so different and then you saw her the same way she used to be, a brilliant girl who had more potential than anyone could.
The glint always remained. Remained in each repeating, remained as she called you blind, remained as you didn’t reply to her promise for a shared future. Remained still now.
You knew too many things.
One thing you knew well was that Hoshimi Junna felt for you a passion that burned as warm as the one she felt towards the stage.
It had been perhaps your revue that had made both of you see each other as more than Junna and Nana. Junna had loved you when you had only shown her one side of the moon, when all she knew was the bright and calm side of it. And then you had been overwhelmed by the fear to lose the sole person that gave you hope to go forward and she’d seen the other side in the most brutal of ways.
For the first time since ever, you saw her as the girl that made the stage girl that you were obsessed with, not the girl that was separate from her. There came the time where you too, had to see yourself as the heartless director that had to do what she had to do for her stage. Both images met each other and you had to deal with the aftermath. She saw you as a new Nana- and you too saw her in a new light, Junna now, not her beautiful Junna-chan– yet she still loved you.
Loved you as the kind Nana that she fell for for sixty three times and loved you as the Daiba Nana that pushed her to the limit until she was reborn.
You frown. Junna’s love was a passion that only was matched by both of your passion for the stage. You saw well where trying to prove that only you knew Junna best got you. You repeat mistakes until you know you can do better. You do the best with what you have, and now you have enough knowledge to not burn down a stage as beautiful as this one.
Hoshimi Junna is a masterpiece best loved from afar, a stage girl whose stage you can only view from outside because you cannot even get yourself to buy a ticket and get the chance to see her from up close. You remain outside, well enough for her to look at you and smile yet far away for you not to let the beast inside you free and do something as reckless as imagine you could be a stage girl again, to be by her side again.
Thus, you remain at an impasse. You promised that night, where your repeating were revealed, to tell her all there was in your heart. Junna knows you best, but even this, you are sure you will not give her the chance to know.
Sometimes, it was best to not let the star of the stage know that there would be no partner to join them on stage until the performance ended beautifully. Especially if that star can shine brightly by herself.
You: junna is so kind~
You: but i shall! it is only to be expected, after all!
That can be enough for now, you think. Some things, things that are not set in stone, things that cannot be done with the conviction it takes for you to do most things, are better kept secret.
An unfinished stage should never be revealed. You know that perhaps it will be a long time until you can show her this stage, one last stage created for Hoshimi Junna– perhaps you never will. You know how things such as this rarely are constant.
You do not care. You could love this girl more than the stage ever could if it meant you could do it in secret.
A stage that you could always change, a stage that could be burned down and revived inside your mind without her knowing– these emotions could live inside your heart, safe and protected, just as she would be by not taking the blunt of them the same way she did once. You could write thousand of lines and dress her in the best of roles and you still would love her best hidden behind your notebook and small smile. Actions spoke louder and you wanted yourself to pass off in silence.
A director was rarely remembered, always hidden behind the brilliance of the actors. All a director did was to help the actors shine and thankfully you would not mix your roles again, will not join her stage and control it. You could help her from the side, devote all your passion to a stage and see her shine as brightly as she can.
You do not want your devotion to be something known. It can be a masterpiece that is born and dies with you for all you care. You would be happy as long as Junna was shining brightly and happy.
Junna-chan: do you still want it?
You: what do you mean?
Junna-chan: our stage.
You: hehe what’s up with so many questions~
You: i might think you are trying to interrogate me
Junna-chan: nana!!!! i’d never do that!!!
Junna-chan: i’m just thinking.
Junna-chan: did you know hisame has to remind yanagi-san to water her plants?
You: eavesdropping isn’t ethical~ but new facts are nice to know!
Junna-chan: i know…
Junna-chan: i just couldn’t help it.
Junna-chan: you still didn’t answer me btw.
You get up. You walk up the stairs. You walk up some more stairs. After less than five minutes you are hit by the cool English wind, cooling your warm skin. The balcony was your new spot too. People rarely came here. You liked it that way.
You look towards the sky. Painted in red and blue and orange and yellow, a mess of colors that created one of the most breathtaking views you could think of. Each color melted into the other and made you smile at how beautiful it was.
Another ping comes from your phone.
Junna-chan: you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
You: do you still want it?
Junna-chan: i asked you first, didn’t i?
You: i’m known to break the rules of how things must work!
You: does junna still want it?
You look away. You do not want to answer Junna. You can think of a thousand answers and none of them seem fit for this moment. You want to tell her the truth and you want to lie and you want to be as honest as you can be.
You want to tell her that you wish she were here so you can embrace her from behind and blow a raspberry against her neck and for you to hear her gentle laugh as she told you to not be childish yet still remain close in your embrace.
You want to tell her that you have yet to find someone who can make your stage bright and lit a passion in you about it the same way she does.
You want to tell her you sometimes wished she would just stop talking to you so this could end. This game of two people who had an intimacy they can’t share anymore. You hate uncertain things, you hate a stage you can’t control. All the control you have comes from knowing all and now you barely know a thing– but you don’t want her to leave. You want things you yet don’t know you want but you know you want her by your side as much as you can.
You want to tell her that the days you spend without wanting her by your side are becoming less and less. You still spend time alone, you still focus on each script and sometimes are too driven by all you have to do, but then your mind rests and that something in you whispers for the existence of a green eyed girl by your side.
Junna-chan: i told you once.
You: did you…?
Junna-chan: it seems even england didn’t get rid of your teasing.
Junna-chan: if i wanted a stage with someone, i’d want it with the person that i still know best, the one who i still want to share a stage with. the same one i promised we’d share a stage in the future.
Junna-chan: does that answer your question?
The thing– no, the beast inside your chest is loud now. You swallow. You are made for many things but this is not one of them. You are a director, made to look over others in the shadows. You cannot share a stage with her, you cannot face her again and end up realizing you are not meant to share it with someone. You already settled in your new role.
The stage loves you but you are content to show your love by creating it instead of standing in it.
It is better, you realize, for the both of you, to look forward. It is best. You hate it, that you still do the same old thing, that you look at Junna and still take the decision yourself, that you push her in the same actress role you always have.
Old habits died hard and yours were immortal.
You want to tell her. You desperately want to tell her even if it drives your stage to the path of destruction again.
You: i’d always want a stage with my brightest star
You delete that.
You: did you know love is like cooking? if one sole ingredient is removed, the whole dish can end up in the trash. same as with the stage. one less person who creates it and it will have it hard to be as brilliant as it can be. i don’t think i have all i can have to share a stage with you the right way you deserve.
You hit delete until your thumb hurts.
You want to tell her something. You want her to know nothing. You want to be honest with her. You want to just tell her something, for her to move forward as she inspired you to do.
You still aren’t satisfied with that thought. What would Junna truly moving forward mean? Forget of her promise? Of all you had passed? Would you even be satisfied with that? Would your greediness actually be satisfied with seeing her shine for– with– from someone else?
Damn it.
You: hehe, it does~
Junna-chan: it’s your turn to answer now
You: oops, i forgot!
You: alright then…
You: mmm….
You: i simply want a stage that makes junna shine as bright as she can and deserves to~
Junna-chan: that isn’t what I asked, nana…
You: that’s all i can give you now
You go with the easiest route. You take a deep breath. The beast inside you claws at your chest, a last attempt before you drag it to its flesh prison that is your heart. You drag it inside and then you can breathe easier, can look at your phone.
Junna still hasn’t replied.
You sigh. It was for the best, you know. It was for the best. You always make sure to create a stage with all you have that is as best as it can be. Right now, this is the best you could do.
Junna-chan: i see.
Junna-chan: oh. hisame just told i love you to yanagi-san. that’s cute.
You: i can say for sure i didn’t know you were so invested in their relationship
Junna-chan: she’s literally standing before me, nana! i can hear her.
Junna-chan: it just surprises me. yanagi-san is in europe and i know that hisame doesn’t plan to leave new york soon.
You: the love shared from stage partners rarely is hindered by distance, yknow? look at kuro chan and maya chan!! still going strong
You: sometimes, a love shared by two people who love and grow on stage is just like the stage. grows and changes yet still exists. like that scientist’s idea for energy!
Junna-chan: newton?
You: yeah!! you’re smart~
Junna-chan: or you just never paid much attention to science class…
A moment passes. Or two. The sun slowly sets before you.
Junna-chan: nana.
You: yeah?
Junna-chan: are we still stage partners, then?
You blink. And smile. Now, you were given the right ingredients for a third path. Not the truth, nor a lie either. Enough to calm your conscience and enough to make the beast inside you claw harder. Exactly what you needed. You don’t care for the scars your heart will have and the blood it will shed if it kept you sleeping with knowing that you were not lying and hurting Junna.
You: i dunno~ has junna found a cooler banana there in nyc?
Junna-chan: most here aren’t as special as you… nor do they have banana hair…
You: hehe, then you got your answer
Junna-chan: …
Junna-chan: i see. i don’t really understand, but i also do.
Junna-chan: thank you, nana. for answering me.
You smile. You would answer any question she had for you were it not for what that wretched heart in you felt for her. A beast that was driven to kill its desires and now was free again. How could it make up for 63 years of repression so easily? You shake your head. You don’t have to be so dramatic. You simply like answering Junna, letting her know you best and want to know more still.
You: it’s alright~
You: wait, isn’t it time for you to have lunch? i think?
Junna-chan: it is. hisame also finished her call.
Junna-chan: make sure to take it easy today! i will text you as soon as i can.
You: don’t worry too much! i’ll be busy too so i really won’t mind~
Junna-chan: okay then.
Junna-chan: take care, nana. i hope the day goes well for you.
You: same as for you~
You smile, texting without much mind.
Junna-chan: thank you.
Junna-chan: see you later
Junna-chan: <3
You: bye bye~
You: love you~
You pause before you send the second message. You are glad you do. You cannot tell such a thing as easily as before. You can’t. They are words that you feel and can say so easily towards her yet you know the weight they will carry were you to actually say them out loud.
These words do not belong to the script you want to follow. You delete it and smile.
It’s okay. The sun will leave place to the moon and the stars and another day will come.
You have time.
Somehow, for the first time in a while, that thought is calming rather than scary.