Work Text:
Your chest was tight, too tight to breathe right. Your mind was going a million miles an hour, going too fast for you to focus on a single thought.
You were on your and Toasty’s shared bed, your partner out of the house while running errands, curled up in a ball and trying not to sob and/or hyperventilate.
It was getting harder and harder with each passing second.
Why did it hurt so much? Why was it always so painful to think about it? You just wanted it to stop hurting.
You wanted to move on from the pain, to the point where thinking about it didn’t hurt anymore.
You took a shaky breath, trying to push the thoughts away.
You had tried to pretend that everything was okay, that you weren’t cracking apart at the seams; that you weren’t on the verge of shattering into pieces.
But you weren’t okay.
And you weren’t sure if Toasty had noticed that you were breaking.
You tried to hide it from them and your friends on the Bloomic server, but sometimes a little bit slipped through.
You would play it off as a joke, and change the subject to something else.
You had hoped that someone had actually noticed.
There wasn’t really a chance that someone had, however- you had painstakingly perfected the mask over the years.
You had pretended to be okay for years at this point, the mask slowly being chipped at until there was nothing left except one tiny piece.
One tiny piece that was finally chipped away earlier today.
Hence the panic attack.
This always happened, your mask would break and then you would create a new one to put on.
You were happy Toasty wasn’t here to see this.
They would probably be back soon, you would have to be over this by then.
You would have to pretend that everything was fine again, but it’d be worth it. You can’t be vulnerable, not even with your partner.
You’d made that mistake before and it had cost you dearly.
You couldn’t risk it with Toasty. Logically, you knew they weren’t like your ex, but anxiety didn’t follow logic.
A small part of you was waiting for the other shoe to drop- for Toasty to be just like your ex boyfriend.
You let out a sob. You hated yourself for thinking Toasty would be like him. They were an amazing partner, logically you knew they would never treat you like he did.
You let out another sob, not hearing the bedroom door open.
Arms wrapped around your waist from behind. You turned around to face Toasty, who was looking at you with a concerned expression.
You sobbed into their chest, tears staining their shirt. They just held you tighter, rubbing soothing circles onto your back while whispering, “It’s okay, just let it out, honey.”
After your sobs died down, you looked up at them. “Toasty?”
“Yes?”
“I’m not okay.”
“I know. You don’t have to pretend otherwise with me.”