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Shin Ryujin has always been annoying (and maybe a little bit fascinating) to Lia. She’s this person who seems to lead a life that’s larger than life. The moment Lia saw her she knew that Shin Ryujin had it all figured out and she was right. Ryujin ran for the Engineering Department Student Council (and won) on her freshman year, participated in various extracurricular activities, the football team's golden striker and was the MVP during her sophomore year and as a testament to her greatness she seems to be always surrounded by what her best friend calls “Ryujineers” (‘because they seem to be much more interested in studying Ryujin than opening a book’) but despite the huge following Ryujin only sticked with two people, Shin Yuna, her cousin and Hwang Yeji, her rumoured girlfriend.
"It's not a rumor, I think. So stop staring" Chaeryeong, her best friend, suddenly said breaking Lia's trance
"I wasn't staring. It’s just always so noisy in the morning" (She was) but she huffed indignantly.
"Where did you even get that information?" Lia asked, she would be lying if she says she's not slightly (highly) intrigued. She didn't even have to ask what Chaeryeong is referring to
"I'm in the dance club with both of them and you could just tell and you were staring, the fact that we’re sitting in front and you kept on looking back made it kind of obvious." Chaeryeong shrugged
'Of course' Lia thought, rumors are rumors for a reason.
Lia looked at Hwang Yeji. Class president and dance club captain. Good student too. They're a perfect match.
Lia got back to reading her book. She knows better than to stick her nose in other people's business.
Contrary to what everyone thinks Lia does attend college parties. That's why she's here, on a Sunday to celebrate a team for winning something and while she's here for the free booze she's too much of a lightweight that she would leave the party before anyone would actually notice that she was there. It's a rinse and repeat cycle but she actually enjoys it this way. She gets to have a few drinks and have fun albeit just for a little while and then she heads to the park to sober up and think.
The children's park is mostly isolated at 12 in the morning. It's away from most houses too so Lia can do whatever she likes. She finds a certain comfort in being able to do things on her own. Sometimes she would play around and go down the slide or think about things on the swings but Lia's favorite is climbing on top of the tree house that’s placed relatively low where you can easily jump off when adults come and just lay there. Then she would scroll through her old iPod classic, play whatever she feels like and sing along.
Lia has been doing this for months now and she has always been alone without fail. She maneuvered her way to the top and was surprised to see someone lost in thought. She was surprised to see Ryujin (on her spot! The audacity!) when she swears Ryujin was just at the house party that she came from.
Lia coughs loudly, Ryujin screeched in shock
"Jesus, you almost killed me." Ryujin screamed while clutching her chest
'Dramatic' Jisu thought
"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" Ryujin raised her eyebrows
"I didn't" (she did) "why are you here? That's my spot" Lia complained
"Last time I checked this is a public space and how can you claim a spot?" Ryujin asked as if challenging Lia
"I have my name on it." Lia countered
Ryujin opened her phone's flashlight and started looking.
"There's no Lia here." Ryujin huffed proudly
Lia was shocked that Ryujin knew her name.
"It's there. I'm Jisu. Choi Jisu." Lia pointed at her name etched on the wooden frame.
"I'm pretty sure you're Lia though" Ryujin raised her eyebrow.
Lia rummaged through her bag and handed her ID to Ryujin.
"I'll take the unnamed half then.” Ryujin sighed in defeat while giving Lia some space where she could sit.
"How did you even find this place?" Lia asked, a bit annoyed that someone's in her 'secret spot'.
"I was just walking around and then I saw this place." Ryujin said quietly.
Lia looked at Ryujin and she seemed tired. Different from when she sees her in class.
Lia never really saw Ryujin sad, she was always smiling or laughing but right now she looks like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.
“Shouldn’t you be at the party? Aren’t they throwing it because you won or something?” Lia asked.
A pause
”Do you ever feel like you can’t run away from everyone’s expectations? Like you owe every success to them and it feels so hard but they act as if you achieved something so easy. Because that’s what they expected and you feel tired. Just tired.” Ryujin suddenly said, breaking the silence. She stole a glance at Lia who was just looking straight ahead
“You know what nevermi—“
“Always." Lia said cutting Ryujin off
"And it's never easy but I've learned a long time ago not to care about what others think. If I do good then it's because of my own efforts but if I fail then I can't point fingers either. I know it sounds lonely but it's freeing in a way." Lia added while shrugging.
Lia rummaged through her bag and brought out her iPod. She tapped Ryujin's shoulders and handed her one of the earphones and inserted one on her ear. Ryujin waited, hearing the familiar scrolling sound of the ipod. Lia lied down as the music started playing and Ryujin followed her.
Are you lonely? (Are you lonely?)
Our fingers dancing when they meet
You seem so lonely (are you lonely?)
I'll be the only dream you seek
So if you're lonely, no need to show me
If you're lonely, come be lonely with me
“This place feels like a different world.” Ryujin said
“Like Alice’s Wonderland or Peter Pan’s Neverland?” Lia asked
“Neverland." Ryujin agreed
"There’s no crazy Red Queen here. Unless you want to murder me?” Ryujin jokingly asked
Lia rolled her eyes, earning a laugh from Ryujin. The first time this night Ryujin looked happy.
“Tell you what, since I’m so generous. Whenever you have a problem just come by here and this could be your safe space. If I come by here and you need someone to talk to or just listen I’ll be here.” Lia blurted out, she feels like she might regret it but she already said it.
“I— Thank you, Lia. I really appreciate it.” Ryujin shyly said
When the song ended Ryujin stood up and jumped down the tree house.
“Are you coming or not?” Ryujin shouted
“Shh it's 1 in the morning and where are we going anyway?” Lia asked
“Come be lonely with me.” Ryujin grinned.
Despite acting brave a minute ago, Ryujin had no idea where they’re supposed to go. Lia and Ryujin walked aimlessly with Lia and Ryujin asking questions back and forth. It feels oddly calming, wandering aimlessly.
“Do you want to grab some coffee?” Lia asked
“Sure. I’d love to.” Ryujin agreed
Lia led Ryujin to The Bakery, a small place which Ryujin never seemed to notice. Lia ordered for both of them and handed Ryujin her drink.
“I’ve never been here before. Do they have mocha bread?” Ryujin said, observing the place. There was a small stage with some instruments, a corkboard with some kind of ranking, a poster for open mics and quiz nights.
“The best there is but it's available only on mornings and good, I don’t want your followers ruining the sanctity of this place.” Lia answered.
“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Ryujin groaned.
“I actually like this side of you, you seem—human.” Lia said
“And you thought I wasn’t before?” Ryujin asked as she took a sip of her drink. Ryujin’s eyes lit up
“Good, right? You should try their pastries” Lia said smugly
“I don’t know. You seem like a celebrity and you seem unreachable almost. I'm surprised you even knew me." Lia said
"You're on top of the class, you're much more interesting than you give yourself credit for." Ryujin said, surprising Lia.
"I never thought I'd say this but I actually enjoyed hanging out with you." Lia said while smiling at Ryujin.
After having coffee, Lia pulled Ryujin towards the empty street.
Lia, without a second thought, lied down in the middle of the street.
“Are you going to lie down or are you too scared?” Lia challenged
“Are you crazy? What if a car comes?” Ryujin asked
“Then you better use your crazy athletic skills, I can’t run even if my life depends on it.” Lia laughed
Ryujin lied down beside Lia while shaking her head
“You’re crazy, Choi Jisu.” Ryujin laughed
A comfortable silence.
“The first star you see in the night sky is supposed to be magic.” Lia pointed at the stars and Ryujin listened intently.
“And it will grant your wishes" Lia pointed again
“And I can’t believe you actually believe I know what I’m talking about.” Lia laughed
Ryujin looked at Lia in disbelief and frowned, with Lia enjoying the look on Ryujin’s face.
“Astra Inclinant, Sed Non Obligant” Lia said suddenly turning serious
“What does that mean? Are you bullshitting me again?” Ryujin asked while raising her eyebrows in suspicion
“The stars incline us, they do not bind us.” Lia answered
Ryujin urged Lia to continue
“It means that whether it’s gods or the stars, your family, friends or your crazy fans. It means that ultimately your fate is up to you. So whatever it is that’s bothering you or if you feel like people are expecting a thousand things from you know that at the end of the day you have a choice and I know that we haven’t known each other for that long but I think it's okay to choose yourself first, the rest will follow.” Lia smiled
Ryujin sat down and stared at Lia and she was in awe of how Lia can say the most fascinating things.
Lia stared back and for a split second she felt drawn.
A loud honk scared both of them and Ryujin pulled both of them while shouting apologies
Lia laughed loudly while Ryujin looked flustered and shocked.
Ryujin became highly aware of Lia’s hand on hers.
Lia smiled when Ryujin didn’t let go.
Ryujin and Lia walked, finding themselves in front of Lia’s dorm.
“See you on Monday?” Lia asked, hopeful.
Something shifted. Something changed and Lia hopes that Ryujin feels it too.
“It’s 3 in the Morning so that’s later. So I’ll see you later. Maybe we can grab lunch later” Ryujin smiled
"I'd love that" Lia replied
Lia felt weird. It felt both agonizing and exciting going to class. It’s weird how she felt so nervous seeing her again when last night went well (right?). For once, she was looking forward to something more than Internal Combustion Engine Cycles.
“What’s wrong? You keep on fidgeting and you seem so happy it’s weird” Chaeryeong asked looking at Lia who seems restless
“It’s nothing.” Lia said but she kept her eyes on the door waiting for Ryujin
And when Ryujin finally entered, the girl walked straight past her. As if nothing happened. Lia felt deflated but she feels like it’s her fault for expecting something magical to happen. It was one night. Nothing more. But she still expected something. A hi? A hello? Hell, even a small nod would have been better than just being outright ignored.
When lunch came, Lia excused herself and went straight to the rooftop. Lia picked the locks (a coworker taught her something about a zombie apocalypse.) and unpacked her lunch. She remembered how it felt being ignored and having someone act so indifferent frustrates her. And –
"Hey" Ryujin suddenly said
"What are you doing here?" Lia asked, surprised that Ryujin knew where she was. Not even Chaeryeong knows about the rooftop.
"I followed you. I wanted to apologize for how I acted" Ryujin said softly
"Sure, no harm done. I never expected anything anyway." Lia shrugged
"People spread rumors and I don't want to drag you into that mess. I'm sorry." Ryujin admitted
"Of course, because they dictate what you do." Lia said coldly
"Lia, I–" Ryujin started but was immediately cut off
"So you do know me. That's a shocker. " Lia smiled sadly
"Here, enjoy your lunch." Lia handed a small paper bag as she walked away
Ryujin opened the paper bag and saw the note.
I wanted you to try this because you said we would spend lunch together and I'd love to see your reaction. I barely slept to get you the fresh batch of Mocha Bread
-Lia ◠◡◠
Lia entered the classroom and opened her book. She started reading but the moment Ryujin entered it seems like it's all she's been thinking about. She's been reading the same sentence over and over again.
“Why is Shin Ryujin staring at you?” Chaeryeong asked the moment she took the seat behind Lia
“Is she? I doubt it, I don't think she even knows me.” Lia said loud enough for Ryujin to hear. She's just glad she won't be sharing any more classes with Ryujin for today.
Lia's Mondays are exhausting. It starts at eight in the morning and ends at nine in the evening. Add the fact that she woke up early to buy lunch. That's why she's sitting on her desk waiting for the professor to come but her eyelids felt heavy.
"Ryeongie, wake me up when class is about to start, okay?" Lia said
Chaeryeong nodded and Lia dozed off.
Lia felt someone shaking her shoulders and she felt annoyed. There's no way class is about to start when she feels like she closed her eyes for two seconds.
"What is it?" Lia asked and faced Chaeryeong
"It's not me." Chaeryeong said looking shocked and pointed at someone at the back
Ryujin grinned and raised the bag she’s carrying. She then took a seat in front of Lia and started laying the food in front of her desk.
Chaeryeong was shocked and confused.
“Do you two know each other?”
“No” Lia said
“Yes” Ryujin countered
“Come on, go eat. I had to run after practice to get you dinner. It’s chinese take-out” Ryujin whined
Lia took the food and eyed Ryujin suspiciously.
“What about what other people think?” Lia asked
“Someone told me not to mind them.” Ryujin sighed
Lia handed Chaeryeong some of the food. Chaeryeong took the food, still confused about what's happening.
“Where’s your friends?” Lia asked
“Are you interested in any of them?” Ryujin frowned
“Isn’t Yeji your girlfriend?” Lia said her mouth full, she gave in. Hunger is a good motivator
“That’s just a rumor. She asked me to get Chaeryeong’s number.” Ryujin laughed
There’s something about Ryujin’s statement that makes Lia smile. She can’t even hide it.
When the three of them finished eating. Ryujin cleaned up and said goodbye. Before leaving she looked back and shouted
“See you in Neverland later?” Ryujin asked
“See you.” Lia smiled
Lia rushed to the playground. She felt like she never ran like this in her entire life (not even in gym class.) With a promise to tell Chaeryeong everything, she ran as if her life depended on it. She saw Ryujin with her feet hanging on the side and Lia went up and sat beside her.
There was a comfortable silence shared between them when Ryujin suddenly spoke.
“I’m really sorry for earlier.” Ryujin spoke
“Forgiven.” Lia said simply
“I feel like I’ve been such an assho—“
“Stop sulking, are you a baby?”
“I feel bad. I’m really so—“
“Come” Lia jumped from the treehouse.
“I know what will cheer you up.” Lia smiled.
There’s something about Lia’s smile, maybe it’s the way her eyes will form crescents, maybe it’s the soft giggle she makes but it always makes Ryujin smile too.
Lia ran and Ryujin jumped and ran after her. She easily catched up and grabbed Lia’s hand. Lia pulled her and ran.
They arrived at The Bakery and Lia’s name was being called repeatedly.
“Lia, you’re late.” The waitress, Jeongyeon, said
“Sorry, I had to get something important. Can you find her a seat?” Lia asked Jeongyeon
Jeongyeon nodded and led Ryujin to sit in front.
Ryujin was confused about what’s happening but she didn’t have time to ask Lia who immediately rushed towards the stage.
“Hello, sorry I’m late.” Lia greeted while holding the mic
The crowd cheered, there were around 20 or so people but the whole room echoed.
Lia took her place on the piano and as soon as she did the crowd fell silent.
Lia tied her hair in a bun and started playing.
The soft melody of the piano
If I walk, would you run?
If I stop, would you come?
If I say you’re the one would you believe me?
When Lia sings, she lets go. It’s as if the crowd didn't matter. It's just her and the piano and all her worries just vanish.
If I ask you to stay,
Would you show me the way?
Tell me what to say
So you don't leave me.
But tonight she feels aware. Lia didn't even have to find her. When she opened her eyes, Ryujin was right there. Like she's instantly drawn to Ryujin's soft, brown eyes.
If I walk, would you run?
If I stop, would you come?
If I say you’re the one would you believe me?
And everytime Lia looks at Ryujin, Ryujin meets her gaze. It's as if what she's seeking is seeking her.
The song ends and the crowd cheered but Ryujin's voice seems to cut through the noise. She cheered the hardest and loudest out of everyone.
Lia walked towards Ryujin and all her confidence vanished
"That was amazing! You didn't told me you work here" Ryujin exclaimed
"You didn't ask." Lia shrugged
"Take me back here when you're going to perform." Ryujin said excitedly
"I'd love to" Lia immediately agreed
They spent hours together and then hours turned to days and days turned to months. Lia was happy and sometimes she'd like to believe Ryujin was too. Ryujin often came to watch Lia perform, a well kept secret between the two of them. Some nights they talk about what bothers them, the crazy things they did when they were younger, some nights Ryujin is feeling down and words fail her but Lia understands. Lia knows that some silences doesn't have to be filled.
On Ryujin's first loss of the season, Lia was there to comfort her. Ryujin was smiling when the night started, they were drinking, then, as if a switch was turned on, Ryujin broke down. Ryujin learned a new latin phrase from Lia that night. Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim. Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you. Lia hugged Ryujin and pressed their foreheads together. Breathing in the same atmosphere, Lia leaned in and stopped. Nothing happened. They never talked about it after. Lia then knew Ovid lied. How can something this painful be useful to anyone?
When Ryujin's team won the finals, Lia (upon Ryujin's persistence) joined the celebration.
Ryujin introduced her to the team as her friend and that made Lia's heart sink. Lia felt lost, she knew no one but Ryujin and when Ryujin ran off to greet other guests Lia felt out of place. She's been drinking, bottle after bottle. She couldn't let Ryujin look after her, after all, the party is for them. Lia slipped out of the house and went to her safe space.
Aften an hour or so Ryujin came to the treehouse. Ryujin saw Lia with her headphones on.
"Why did you leave?" Ryujin asked
"You had to spend time with your friends." Lia said without looking at Ryujin
"You're my friend too." Ryujin said quietly
"Are we friends? Just friends?" Lia finally looked at Ryujin. Please say no
Ryujin nodded unsure why Lia suddenly asked
A tipping point
"I feel like I'm such an idiot." Lia sighed
"What do you mean?" Ryujin asked
"Because I've been feeling everything and I–." Lia paused, unsure if she should continue but maybe it's the alcohol or the way Ryujin treats her like a friend. Just a friend. Lia continued
"And I just hate it, you know? Feeling . . . Feelings. It would make you think and wonder and fucking hope. But God, I was millimeters away from kissing you and I didn't because I'm not brave enough not that it mattered because I was waiting if you would meet me halfway and you never did but it was okay. I was okay, I was incredibly content with just staring at you and caring and hopelessly and irretrievably falling and that's what I did. I loved you in secret. I learned how to say it without actually saying it. And there's just something about you that makes me unbelievably honest and vulnerable even if I tried so hard not to be. God, I fucking hate it. Because it's either you're oblivious or numb but the things we do never seem to bother you when sometimes it's all I ever fucking think about." Lia tried to hold it in, her voice cracking with every line
"Lia, please" Ryujin whispered
"It's not crazy, right? That I felt this way? People fell in love for less. A lot less.The countless dinners? Midnights walking around doing absolutely nothing. Now I know it won't mean as much to you as much as it meant to me, because to me it meant more. So much more. Because to me it felt like everything." Lia waited for Ryujin to say something, anything but Ryujin was silent and she took it as a cue to leave.
Lia felt like it was foolish to think the magic would last, everybody has to grow up and leave Neverland at one point. Lia walked away and it took everything in her not to look back.
A step
Two steps
"Lia, wait"