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dear chifuyu,
are you happy?
i hope you are.
how are you doing? it's been some time since we exchanged letters.
i'm sorry ... i can't get my thoughts straight. i have so many things i want to tell you.
remember that night we spent on the rooftop of your parent's house? when we stayed there all night while your mother hysterically screamed out your name?
she was in such agony, how cruel. yet, you begged me to stay with you. i didn't want to but you knew i'd do anything for you — and you took advantage of it.
but of course ... i'd let you do so anyways. why? because i loved you.
i love you.
sounds like bullshit to you huh?
not after what i did.
oh here's another one, remember when you stole your dad's car, his precious jeep, and drove it to my house?
you were only 15 back then, you didn't even know how to operate the thing yet once i hopped on you sped the roads at at least 80 mph on the highway.
hell, we almost got caught by the cops.
it was also late, i recall, and you blast music so loud that i could barely hear the wind.
you wanted to be cool so bad.
i didn't get it, not at all. i didn't get why you were so willing to risk your life just to 'be cool'.
it's so funny, you know, because you didn't even have to go that far. in my eyes, you were already the most badass person i knew.
and then, after driving carelessly to places we don't recognize, we wound up at an abandoned building.
actually, i don't think it was worthy being called a building. none of it's structure was upright the way it should be.
well, you still went in, exploring the remains of it with excitement. that kind of stuff sure was your thing.
unexpectedly, you called out my name.
it came from above, and i didn't even realize the building had part of it's 'roof' intact.
thought no one could really tell it was a roof from first glance. it's either that or a second floor.
i climbed up to where you were and i remember so clearly how i almost fell to my death when my foot slipped off the piece of cement it was clutching on to.
but thankfully, you caught my hand in time, pulling me up. then you laughed.
you laughed so hard that i got mad, "why are you so happy when i was on the brink of dying?" i asked
it was a silly thought, the most that could've happened was me breaking a few bones.
however, you didn't respond and instead walked towards me with your face painted with cockiness.
then you kissed me.
you kissed me.
you replied with your face so close to mine that my eyes couldn't help but lock with yours, "you are such a dumbass."
to this day, i never knew what you meant. you didn't give me time to analyze what you said either as you stole my breath away, going in for another.
although, that one lasted much longer.
i could feel your tongue thoroughly examining my mouth without intentions of stopping.
how i felt so ecstatic.
after giving me a taste, you climbed down the building and ran in the fields of grass. it was actually peculiar to see such a sight in a place no one goes to.
i followed behind, chasing you as you laughed running away from me.
"CHIFUYU COME BACK HERE"
i yelled out. but you didn't listen, instead ran farther and farther away from me.
i did catch you, eventually. it's almost as if i could feel leaping towards you, bringing you down to the pastures, trapping you between my arms.
and just as fast, you pulled me in for another kiss.
it's amazing how you could make me easily melt for you, give me butterflies in my stomach, make my ears burn red from the pleasure you give me.
you made me stay beside you up until 2 in the morning, laying down in the grass with the perfect view of the moon.
"the moon is pretty isn't it?", you said.
i scoffed at the statement, finding it a bit corny. then you smiled so wholeheartedly at me that i wish we could stay like this forever.
'i love you'
why couldn't i say it?
my mouth wouldn't open, instead my vision gets blurry. your face shows a concerned expression for a moment before you smile once again, now i felt tears trickle down my cheek.
"do you like me that much?", you continued to tease.
i sat up, attempting to stop the flow of the tears with both hands but deemed unsuccessful.
i couldn't see, but you sat up, wrapping your arms around me and laying your face against my back. you didn't mutter a thing as i felt a lump in my throat trying to speak.
i nodded slowly which i think went unnoticed.
good times wasn't it?
the thing that pains me to realize was that that exact moment was the last chance i had to tell you. well, i knew you knew how much i liked you, how much i loved you, but it hurts to know that i've never once said it to you verbally when you do it all the time.
was it because i was embarrassed? perhaps. maybe because i was stuck in the thought that we were just kids that are so sucked into the moment. thinking that this would end eventually, that nothing that every makes me happy stays by me.
i wasn't really wrong.
there's one last event that i remember, and the last time we've been together too.
do you still recall when i went to juvie? it's been a while since the time that happened. we're all adults now.
it was the day of bloody halloween, and i just so happened to stab your newly achieved friend that seems to matter so much more to you than i did. i wonder what changed? was it me? was i lacking for you? if so, why didn't you tell me? you knew i would change for you, and you didn't reach out until it was too late.
though baji was the one that ended his own life, i still served my sentence.
not once did you visit me.
not once did you even bother to send me a letter.
not once, not ever.
all those years, you think i was content sitting inside a 4 cornered wall with no one but a bunch of dickheads? why didn't you show the least bit of care when i was in the lowest point of my life? is it because baji weighs more than all the time we've spent together? because you love him more than me?
oh sure you 'look up' to him, don't give me that bullshit when i clearly see the dumbfounded expression on your face whenever you talk to him.
did i ever do that to you?
well ... there's no helping it. the past is the past. i can't have the time i've lost back.
at the very least when we met again in person, you approached me. that made me happy, but i was so angry too. you seem to have been doing well which relieved me a bit.
i was afraid his death would leave you in such burden that i wouldn't see you alive and well anymore.
but the thing that still makes me so upset now is how i didn't have the guts to slap you. can you imagine, i cared so much about you back then and you just disregard it like it's nothing? i gave you all of me, but you didn't want it.
at the same time, i wanted to kiss you so bad. i wanted to get back all the love that should've been given to me instead of that guy. don't get me wrong, baji was also a good friend of mine. but the way you betrayed me, the way you abandoned me.
i missed you to great extents that i just wanted to feel your touch, steal you from the world, from everyone, and make you mine.
but i didn't.
so then the world took you from me.
i'm starting to think why the gods of this cruel place hate me so much? to put me in this endless misery. i want to end it all.
what do you say?
will you let me join you?
that's funny, me being with an angel like you?
i'd probably end up in hell.
i said it's been a while since we exchanged letters right? don't worry.
this will be the last.