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When he first told her about it, it felt like it belonged to parallel Mara. Mara, college drop out, a bounty hunter?
“The colony ships wouldn’t even take us, what do we bring to the table?” She asked. Sure she could shoot but those were trick shots, would she even kill a man if it was down to it?
“Mara, Mara. Xiomara, I know a guy. He’s signing us up. We need the money, and besides I’m listed as a laborer, they’ll never know. We got this, this is gonna be a new life for us.”
He was beautiful. Maybe in this new world, they could be something. If she was getting shot at, that’s who she’d want to watch her back. If she’d ever tell him. Maybe in this colony, things could be different.
Marauders, technicolor monsters and fauna she couldn’t even imagine. Yeah she wished Myles was with her, she couldn’t captain a ship. She couldn’t lead. She couldn’t save him.
“Let’s do that again!” Felix said. Monarch he told her, was exactly how he pictured it from the serials. She couldn’t help but wonder if colony did something to peoples brains, Felix was nice and plenty smart. It was what she signed up for, but still she had to convince her mind that every bullet was for an animal. She wasn’t a killer, but with the board running things as they are? She might be.
Myles could’ve done it, he would’ve been a hell of a captain. Myles would get her out, not leave her floating in space a second longer. Felix was so much like him. Felix. They locked eyes on groundbreaker all those months ago. She decided to get a pen and paper to write up a little speech just to get him on board. There was something about him that seemed different. Maybe it was because he decided to fight back against this whole damn system. Maybe it was because she could get lost in those eyes.
“What’s the value of pi?” She said.
“Umm it’s delicious?” She and Parvati laughed at it, but guessing by his furrowed brows he meant it. Halcyon didn’t seem like they did public school so Mara really couldn’t fault him for that one.
Mara realized she hadn’t laughed since she landed right on top of poor Hawthorne. He smiled like he was in on the joke, “you don’t like dessert boss?” He was perfect.
The stench of monarch lingered in their noses back on the ship. “You heading back out for that girl, Nell?” She said. “You stink man, but maybe she won’t notice.” He was big flirt, and she pretended she didn’t mind when he would smooth his hair while laying it on thick with anyone but her.
She wondered if Felix and her would even date back on earth. She was shy, her dashing bounty hunting captain persona getting more exhausting by the moment. He was the kind of guy to start a bar fight then talk his way out of getting into too much trouble. Mouth full of sweet promises and blood. She noticed he liked to flirt with women who had short hair. Maybe that was why he just flirted with her so aimlessly, her hair was long. She asked once and he didn’t consider her an authority figure anyway, so being captain wasn’t holding him back.
She remembered the note she wrote, maybe a few weeks after roseway. “My real name is actually Xiomara or Mara I guess. Alex Hawthorne was supposed to be hauling me around.” Telling the crew was always nerve wracking, what if he would leave? “Ha! Mara, Mara, Xiomara. I’ll remember that one boss. Gotta know who to report to right?” He patted her shoulder, “hey boss? You okay?” He was beautiful.
“Hey if you’re not, join me then. Save the water..” She stuck out her tongue, spectrum blue still lingered in her mouth. She picked up Nyoka and they decided to celebrate a new friendship. “Is that the level of obvious Nell has to be?” Nyoka laughed at that one. “What was it? Cute and oblivious?” She didn’t know why she said it, maybe the liquid courage. If this was a serial that Felix loved watching with her, he’d roll his eye but follow her in.
“Yeah yeah very funny boss.” She turned away. Feeling time slow as she grabbed a towel and made her way down the hall. A chair scrapped, she didn’t dare look. Did her heart always beat this fast when her “side effect” flared up?
A smack of a box of cigarettes, and a turn to the quarters. Very funny indeed.
————-
Myles wasn’t Felix. As this whole quest, this mission to save halcyon, the feelings Mara had started to fade. It’s been months, though really decades, since she last talked to him. He never liked her back, Mara was beginning to wonder if she’ll ever get her feelings requited. After their mysterious gorgon mission came to a close, yet another girl for Felix to flirt with. What a shit show, didn’t surprise her but shook her all the same. She watched from the ships windows watching that place get smaller. As she fumbled for a lighter, Felix held a flame up to her lips. “There’s a rangers game tonight, you wanna come with?” “Sure,” she huffed, “the finals right? I think I get the rules now.”
On the way to the lost hope, Mara explained hockey to him. “No no no that’s not how you run for the Thursday zone.” His laugh was so easy, if he wasn’t such a huge flirt she could’ve believed it was all for her. But that was Felix, easy for a laugh. They were friends, just friends. He opened doors for her, and pulled out a chair because that’s just the kind of man he is.
The toss ball match was exciting, it wasn’t making a lick of sense but if Felix loved it maybe there was something to it. She thumbed the beer bottle, feeling a good buzz she couldn’t resist resting a hazy gaze on him again. The way he runs his hand through his hair, the way his smoke blows behind him. She wanted to kiss him, feeling that smile against hers.
“Boss? Mara? You good?”. Felix nudged her with his elbow. “Hmm? Oh was i wandering? I think-“ the crowd around them riled up, snapping his head around it was like Felix forgot she was even there. Suddenly Mara felt a grip around her waist. Felix spun her around shouting like a frenzied marauder.
He smelled like zero gee and purple berry crunch. Pulling him closer they jumped and with every feeling bubbling up she screamed. It felt good, save for a few silent cries in her cabin, Mara never let herself process any of her new life. She didn’t want to feel anything and didn’t want to think about Myles frozen and floating in the ether.
Tears started to well when he loosened his grip. “Mara are you alright?” She rubbed an eye, “ you ask that a lot you know that?” “I just didn’t think you liked the rangers that much is all” Neither of them brought attention to the fact he was holding her hands now. “I just needed emotional release I guess,” “hey boss me and the crew? We’re family okay?” He gave a light squeeze, “even halcyon Helen needed help now and then.”
She laughed softly, leaning closer now. “Thanks, that’s all I need to hear” they stood there like that for a few moments. She let go first, taking a swig of her beer. He sighed and paid his tab. Mara reached out her hand, searching his face. “I have a special bottle of spectrum vodka for when my rangers were gonna win the finals.” There’s that easy smile again, “come on boss. I’m in too good a mood for Clowns fans itching to brawl.”
Her legs wobbled as she stood up. “Don’t let me throw up in max’s cabin like you did last week please.” She loved seeing his smile. Another line to add to the already enormous confession letter. Myles always teased her for writing down her thoughts so she didn’t forget what to say, she blushed when Felix read off his hand to her the first time. It was the first day on the ship, asking her of his duties and what fights they were getting into next.
“To a hell of a season, and a hell of a captain!” Felix took a shot. Mara giggled and gestured at the empty ship, “don’t go cheering all at once guys!” She was feeling warmer, either from the vodka or the fact she got him laughing. She was gonna do it. She was drunk enough and if anything fails then she can just blame being drunk enough. Now where was that paper?
“Whoa boss, maybe you should sit down. I’ll get you some water, alright?” She gazed at him, eyes full of stars. He smiled back, turning to the sink behind them. “Mara? What was earth like? I mean how people…I mean um..” Felix shook his head, handing her a glass. She smoothed a hand through his hair, she wasn’t sure why. “People were the same, are the same? Softer sure, but I see sparks of life here the same.”
She probably didn’t make sense, she didn’t know what the look he gave her meant. He signed, fidgeting in his seat. “I got something to say.” He took another shot, “I ain’t good with words but I gotta say it.” She searched his face, did he know? Did he hear what she tells Parvati? Her heart thumped in her ears.
“Throwing in with you, this been the best decision of my life. I know I’m just some back bays guy and not what you’re used to,” he twisted his mouth. After gorgon, after shooting down Clyde, Felix was quieter. She hoped he still trusted her. She wanted to go back to two minutes ago when he smiled like he used to. She took a breathe to talk but he waved her off. “You make me happy, Mara. I ain’t ever smiled this much on groundbreaker. Like ever.”
He grabbed her hand that rested on the table, “Stars, I can die today and only regret one thing if I don’t do this now.” Mara was close to tears at this point, her heart now caught in her throat. “Xiomara, I want to make you as happy as you make me. I ain’t much, but I’ll never leave your side.” She laughed, making him frown. “Felix, you already make me happy.” She moved closer to his face, and he closed the gap.
His lips felt softer than she imagined, his finger tips felt like fire to her cheek. He smiled, not moving further than an inch. “You’re so beautiful Mara, I should’ve done this months ago.” He wiped a tear from her face, “hey, I got you.”
She kissed him again. “I had a whole two page letter I was gonna give you,” she said, “I was gonna read it off tonight.” He laughed, she could kiss him forever. “I was gonna read it off my hand tonight if the rangers won.” She finally noticed ink smudgings on his palm, “couldn’t get the words down how I wanted though.” She poured him another drink, stealing yet another kiss.
She was always a sentimental type, if she drank too much she’ll tell him she loved him. Way too soon, but if she drank just right, then this was the perfect night. “Let’s go to bed, Felix.” His eyebrows wiggled, “yes ma’am.” He wasn’t Myles, and he wasn’t like anything she ever expected in this colony. She no longer felt guilty about it.