Chapter Text
4:17 PM
bathbomb created “hello”
bathbomb added zoeee, mortality, and forestexpertise to “hello”
zoeee: excuse u not without my gf
zoeee added Alana_Beck to “hello”
zoeee: also such a boring chat name wtf jared
zoeee changed the chat name to “we don’t talk about rats”
mortality: zoe no
bathbomb: 0.02 seconds into the group chat and zoe has already taken over
mortality: i dont know what you expected
Alana_Beck: Thank you Zoe but
Alana_Beck: What’s the point of this
zoeee: ask jared idk
bathbomb: yall were literally??? complaining about not having a group chat????? at lunch/??/???? so i made one??????
bathbomb: what about that don’t you understand??
mortality: wow you didn’t have to attack us that hard
Alana_Beck: In that case, thank you Jared
Alana_Beck: But also
Alana_Beck: For why?
forestexpertise: hi guys
mortality: hi evan
bathbomb: alana i-
forestexpertise: have you guys seen phineas and ferb
zoeee: ??? yes ???
bathbomb: yes weve seen phineas and ferb evan
forestexpertise: ok well
forestexpertise: you know connor
mortality: i dont like where this is going
bathbomb: our friend connor yes
Alana_Beck: Who is in this chat
forestexpertise: he looks kind of like vanessa
zoeee: ZNXBMNSJFIHWDOIU G
bathbomb: wait which one is vanessa
forestexpertise: [vanessa.jpeg]
mortality: evan noooooooo
mortality: also JARED NOOOOOOOO
mortality: IF YOU DONT KNOW WHO VANESSA IS
mortality: YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HERE
Alana_Beck: I kind of see it not gonna lie
Alana_Beck: Halloween costumes anyone?
bathbomb: alana it’s march
zoeee: dnxcjfwehirogerughdjfhuzijhdSKLFJdsfjls
bathbomb: we broke zoe
mortality: literally just because i wear eyeliner and have long hair does not mean im vanessa from phineas and ferb
Alana_Beck: No, you are
bathbomb: i like how evan is just sitting back watching this place burn
bathbomb: evan where are you
zoeee: ok im back but im gonna draw connor as vanessa as soon as i get the chance
mortality: i hate you
zoeee: we done knew
zoeee: so if my brother is vanessa who’s everyone else
mortality: well obviously you’re isabella
zoeee: because i’m hardworking, determined, and popular? why thank you brother
mortality: no because you’re short and have a high voice
Alana_Beck: She also has the hair for it, kind of
zoeee: alana nooooo
Alana_Beck: Evan is Baljeet.
forestexpertise: i’m back to say i approve of this message
forestexpertise: jared is buford
mortality: jared is the floating baby head
zoeee: JSHBKFJSDFNIBSUDF
bathbomb: false. i’m agent m: vaguely incompetent, but nobody has the heart to tell me
mortality: oh no we definitely have the heart to tell you
bathbomb: alana is perry
zoeee: yeah alana is perry
Alana_Beck: *platypus noises*
forestexpertise: ok but actually...connor looks like vanessa but also
forestexpertise: buford
zoeee: looks angery and tough but is actually soft?
zoeee: i see it
mortality: don’t you dare expose me evan
zoeee: jared can be dr doofenschmirtz
mortality: NO I WANNA BE DOCTOR DOOFENSCHMIRTZ
Alana_Beck: Connor could also be Candace, Phineas, and Ferb’s mom
zoeee: yES
mortality: okay for that....
mortality: zoe you can be candace
zoeee: why
mortality: you’re always trying to get your brother into trouble
zoeee: oh you don’t need me to do that you do it yourself
zoeee: plus that would imply that you’re both my mom and my brother and if i’m candace you can’t be vanessa cause they have a cute friendship dynamic
zoeee: pick one connor
bathbomb: for the record, evan and i are still here
forestexpertise: yeah we’re just discussing in our private chat
zoeee: tea
Alana_Beck: What have you determined?
bathbomb: evan is phineas cause he never gets in trouble with his parents but when he does start trouble it goes v e r y deep
bathbomb: also he just gives off main character vibes
forestexpertise: zoe, you and alana have the same dynamic as candace and her best friend whose name i forgot in the episode where they went to their dad’s hometown and read every sherlock holmes
book in one night instead of sleeping
forestexpertise: you’re also just the type to be obsessed with ducky momo
Alana_Beck: Accurate
zoeee: yeah i can’t argue
mortality: what’s scary is that he recounted the plot of that episode so q u i c k l y
mortality: evan are you okay
forestexpertise: a) no b) you can absolutely do the same thing and you know it
Alana_Beck: Guys.
zoeee: alana
Alana_Beck: I think I actually found one for Jared.
bathbomb: i’m scared
Alana_Beck: [martytherabbitboyandhismusicalblender.png]
mortality: update: i would like you to know that zoe is in the kitchen and i just heard her shriek and fall off of her barstool
zoeee: I TS; BEAUTFDISUL
forestexpertise: i love one (1) woman
bathbomb: alana
Alana_Beck: Yes, Jared?
bathbomb: i hate you
Alana_Beck: Love you too.
mortality: i ship it
forestexpertise: nO IOSDJFKHSIHJKNC X
forestexpertise: I WOULD EXPECT THUSI FOMR JARED BUT NOT YOU CONNOR
zoeee: she’s literally a lesbian who has a girlfriend
mortality: i’ll see myself out (:
bathbomb: the backwards smiley ajskdnbhdsfnidj
bathbomb: it scares me
mortality: (;
forestexpertise: connor. no.
zoeee: oh shit the full stop
Alana_Beck: Confirmed: Zoe is actually Ferb’s dad.
bathbomb: do i wanna know why?
Alana_Beck: Smort™ and British, cause Americans literally just call it a period
Alana_Beck: Like no joke I am confused right now Zoe where did you pick that up
zoeee: DONT ATTACK ME OVE RGRAMMAR OKAY IT S EASIER TO SAY THAN PERIOD
zoeee: PLUS IT ONLY MEANS ONE THING
zoeee: IT WORKS BETTER
mortality: wow okay that escalated quickly
forestexpertise: see i was right
forestexpertise: you guys are candace and the one friend
mortality: i keep wanting to correct you on the one friends name but i dont remember it either
Alana_Beck: Actually, I take back everything I’ve said on the matter thus far.
Alana_Beck: Evan is Jeremy.
zoeee: nSUhba jbHJVBCHJb
mortality: can confirm
bathbomb: yep
forestexpertise: you know what
forestexpertise: it could be worse
bathbomb: can confirm
mortality: aw cmon jared dont be salty
zoeee: pot meet kettle
Alana_Beck: Op
bathbomb: ok we’ve been talking about this for way too long connor this is your fault
mortality: how pray tell is it my fault
bathbomb: youre secretly a phineas and ferb stan thats how
mortality: oh it’s not a secret.
zoeee: it’s definitely not a secret
Alana_Beck: She says, with the tone of one who’s seen unspeakable things
bathbomb: NDHVJKDSFNIODSJFN
bathbomb: ok i need to nap bye
bathbomb has muted the chat.
zoeee: that was sudden
Alana_Beck: Did he actually need to nap?
forestexpertise: no his mom probably caught him
zoeee: i see
mortality: hah wimp
forestexpertise: connor what-
zoeee: but i also need a nap goodnight
zoeee has muted the chat.
mortality: what the actual fuck????
forestexpertise: is she still in the kitchen or did she leave to actually take a nap
mortality: no she’s....she’s still there
Alana_Beck: Sleep is for the weak
Alana_Beck: ...But I’m gonna go watch TikToks
mortality: what do you even watch on tiktok
mortality: hank green
Alana_Beck: Actually kind of accurate
forestexpertise: hey hank green is cool!!!!
Alana_Beck: Thank you Evan
Alana_Beck: Goodbye
Alana_Beck has muted the chat.
mortality: ...
forestexpertise: so
mortality: wanna spam while theyre gone
forestexpertise: absolutely
mortality: mcr?
forestexpertise: i’m evan hansen and i approve of this message
mortality: WHEN I WAS
forestexpertise: A YOUNG BOY
mortality: mY FATHER
forestexpertise: WOULD TAKE ME TO THE CITY
operation: useless idiots
4:43 PM
zoeee: SHIT IT DIDNT WORK
zoeee: WHAT DO WE DO
Alana_Beck: To be fair, I don’t think it was gonna be that easy
bathbomb: do we join them????
bathbomb: do we let them keep spamming???????
zoeee: jared no
zoeee: i can deal with spamming
zoeee: ill send hamilton lyrics from memory later
Alana_Beck: Please not in the group chat.
zoeee: shush you
zoeee: no i meant about getting them together idiot
bathbomb: well duh
bathbomb: idk man
bathbomb: make evan tell us his crush????
Alana_Beck: Evan identified as aro for maybe six months and now cares a shit ton about not assuming that everyone has a crush, so unless you want a full blown rant about that, no
Alana_Beck: Also I hate it when people ask me that. So no.
bathbomb: noted
zoeee: imma bug connor about it
bathbomb: bad plan
zoeee: what why
zoeee: he lives with me what could he possibly do
bathbomb: i don’t think youre making the point you think youre making zoe
zoeee: ok but ive lived with him my whole life ill be fine
zoeee: plus bribery is always an option
Alana_Beck: What do you have against him?
zoeee: drunk texts
bathbomb: if we know about them who would you even send them to
zoeee: evan.
bathbomb: oooooooooh
Alana_Beck: You know what
Alana_Beck: Why not
bathbomb: imma actually go to bed now though
zoeee: jared noooo going to sleep at like five is actually the worsttttt
bathbomb: fuck you i do what i want
bathbomb has muted the chat.
Alana_Beck: That’ll be a lot of fun for him in three hours.
zoeee: im sure it will
zoeee: wanna check back w the bois
Alana_Beck: I’m scared but why not
we don’t talk about rats
5:08 PM
forestexpertise: UP TILL NOW
mortality: IT WAS A QUESTION OF HOW
forestexpertise: IT WAS NEVER A QUESTION OF WHETHER
zoeee: are you guys actually singing kristoffs solo from frozen two
forestexpertise: yes we are and it’s brilliant
mortality: yes join in or shut up
Alana_Beck: hi guys
mortality: ...
mortality: NEVER MIND RED ALERT RED ALERT
forestexpertise: ALANA USED LOWERCASE?????
zoeee: proud of you babe
Alana_Beck: DJFNJIFNSASDJNJKSF NO IT WAS A TYPO
Alana_Beck: I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THUAT HRDSJFBDSIJFIK
forestexpertise: yes u didddd
forestexpertise: embrace ittttt
Alana_Beck: Respectfully: No.
mortality: )))))))))))))):
zoeee: :(((((((((((((
Alana_Beck: I’m eating mac and cheese now. Goodnight.
Alana_Beck has muted the chat.
forestexpertise: is she actually mad?
forestexpertise: like i kind of feel bad now
zoeee: no lol shes fine she actually was making mac n cheese
zoeee: [alanasmacncheese]
mortality: why, pray tell, do you have a photo of alanas mac n cheese
zoeee: because....she sent it to me????
forestexpertise: for why???
forestexpertise: but it looks good kudos to alana
zoeee: thank you i will pass it on
mortality: zoe you could literally just go to her house and talk to her ?
mortality: why are you texting about mac n cheese ???
zoeee: her homophobic grandma is there
zoeee: evan she says thank you
forestexpertise: the grandma??
zoeee: no
zoeee: alana
mortality: send her rainbow emojis for me
zoeee: for why??????
forestexpertise: bc its gay!! to cope with the homophobic grandma
zoeee: um sure
zoeee: she says thanks but shes fine
zoeee: yall could literally just text her yourself you know
forestexpertise: mehhhh thats boring
mortality: ask her if she lsitesn to girl in re d
zoeee: aaaaaand thats my cue night yall
zoeee has muted the chat.
mortality: evan please eat dinner and sleep zoe is making grilled cheese and i want some
forestexpertise: i will!! see you tomorrow!!
mortality has muted the chat.
forestexpertise has muted the chat.
galaxy gals
5:41 PM
zoeee: they’re literally a married couple omg
Alana_Beck: They fight a lot less than a married couple.
zoeee: fair
zoeee: ok connor wants grilled cheese enjoy your noodles
Alana_Beck: Why did you just call mac and cheese noodles??
zoeee: i couldn’t use cheese twice in one sentence
zoeee: anyways good night
Alana_Beck: Night, Zoe :)
we don’t talk about rats
6:23 AM
zoeee: [screenshot.jpg]
zoeee: let it be known that alana beck used an emoticon