Chapter Text
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1.1
We exchange our fates
That are headed toward each other
As much as there was no choice
but for us to go awry
I know we have loved that much more
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I took a sip of the punch that was given by a student committee member earlier. I leaned on the balcony of the mezzanine of the school auditorium, overlooking the throngs of students in winter themed gowns and suits, mingling on the dance floor. Curtains of different shades of blue were draped around the place in a fashionable design. On the sides and corners of the place, white cloth were arranged in a pattern which made it look like sheets of snow on the ground. Papers that were shaped into snowflakes hung on the ceilings. On the stage was a huge 3D backdrop of a winter forest and on the center was a huge banner with letters in bold calligraphy: Ulsan High School Winter Masquerade Ball Batch 2010-2011.
The student committee surely outdid themselves this year.
The funny thing, though, was that it's not even winter yet. Our peculiar school chose to throw a winter ball two months before Christmas every school year.
No one cared though.
My eyes roamed back on the dance floor, searching for a certain brunette. It was not hard though. I had seen her come in earlier so I knew that she wore a magnificent, baby blue gown. I recognized her immediately for her brown mass of curly hair and silent demeanor despite the blue, laced mask that she wore. Currently, I saw her at the far corner of the room, her place adjacent to the refreshments table. As usual, she tried to blend into the background and stayed away from people. She sat silently there, staring off space, her hands fiddling with the hem of her gown. I could tell she's uncomfortable with this set-up. She never liked gatherings, she never liked crowds, and she never liked people. She preferred to be alone at all times but since the school said that the attendance to the ball is mandatory, she didn't have much choice.
How did I know all of this?
I spent almost three years of my life watching and observing her.
I know. Its creepy.
But I didn't have bad intentions.
My vision glazed over as I was engulfed in memories.
Three years ago...
It was summer when I was playing ball on our front yard. I hadn't realized that I kicked it too hard that it rolled fast towards the street. I went after it. I bent down and was about to pick it up when a loud honk startled me that I fell to the ground. I looked up and saw a car and a truck behind it.
The driver, who looked like a man in his forties, looked at me through his side window, his face contorted into a snarl. "Hey young man, you wanna get killed? Get out of the way!"
I retrieved my ball and stood up, dusting myself as I did so. I shrugged at him and turned to walk away. I stood to the sidewalk near our front yard and watched as the car advanced, the truck followed suit.
Since the car's windows were not tinted, I could see that there was a girl at the backseat. Her head was bent down, her fingers fiddling with the hem of her shirt. I figured she was my age, 15. Her hair was a mass of wild, brown curls, and I was amazed by it. Of all the girls that I knew, everyone of them had either tamed curls or straight ones. Of course, teenage girls tend to look out for themselves more. But this girl's hair looked like it will take months to comb.
That was the first time I saw her, the first time she moved in next door.
I went inside my house when I decided that watching outside would look creepy. But it didn't mean watching out of my window wasn't. Nevertheless, I did it still.
I watched as her father - my guess - went back and forth, getting things from the truck and moving them inside their new house. The girl just stood at their front yard. The window I was at was close enough for me to make out her features. Her pale face was small, it complimented her big eyes, perfect brows, high, tiny nose and heart-shaped lips. She leaned against the car as she looked around. The way she did that was sort of weird to me, it was like she was expecting something to pounce on her. She was anxious. I could tell by the way she's still fiddling with her hands. Maybe she had a shy and nervous personality. That contradicted her wild curls though. The hair would have made her look daring if it was not for the dull, wary aura around her.
"Yah Eumsik-ah, don't just stand there. Bring your own things inside and help me with the kitchen wares," her father told her in a gentle voice, surprising me.
It was different from earlier, when he was scowling at me. I initially thought he was rough, but the way he looked and talked to the girl showed otherwise.
Maybe I prejudiced him to be an abusive dad...I can't help it, the girl was so timid, she looked like an abused child.
I snorted to myself. I should really stop assuming the worse in every situation.
I suddenly realized what her father called her. Eumsik? As in "food"? I chuckled. And it might have come out louder than I intended because suddenly, their heads whipped to my direction. I panicked and immediately ducked, out of their sight. And of course, because I was clumsy, I managed to knocked my elbow on to the nearest table.
It exploded with pain and I clutched at it, cussing under my breath and thankful that my mother was not home to scold me for it. I let a few minutes to pass before I lifted my head to peek again. They weren't looking anymore. The girl, Eumsik, held up a box, struggling, and went after her father who had already walked inside.
Suddenly the mellow music was replaced with pop, snapping me out of my trance. The people from down below gave out shouts of glee when they heard the popular song blasting out of the stereos. They started dancing to the beat, the dance floor was suddenly lively with jumping gowns and suits. But even with the joyous mood, Eumsik's corner still had its depressing aura. She was overlooking the crowd, a blank look on her face. She had stop fiddling her gown by then, she replaced it with her mask. She must've took it off earlier, revealing her bare and pale face.
I could tell she's pale even from far away. Because she's always pale.
The first time I met her was the time I got very curious about her. At first, I was curious about the both of them, her father and her. But later on, I found no interest about the man. He worked as the head of the public affairs and had a nasty temper. His face had a scowl on it wherever he went, not really an attribute a public server should harvest. He was a decent man though. He didn't drink and smoke, he had no addictions but he's certainly a workaholic. He's a good father too. I never saw him treat his daughter badly. He would always handle her like she's the most fragile thing in the world. I could tell he loved her.
And I could totally understand him. As I had said, she's always pale and very timid. Whenever I saw her at school, she always looked so anxious. She looked all ready to pass out every time I saw her. She didn't mingle with others, she sat far away from us in the classroom. The teachers must've known her situation because they wouldn't bother her at all. She was always so quiet and when she spoke, her words were barely a whisper, her voice inaudible. She didn't look people in their eyes, she would get as far away as possible from us and she didn't eat her lunch at the cafeteria but at somewhere quiet like at the bleachers. Everyone called her the ghostly transferee, because of her ghost-like personality. Rumors about her being a ghost spread and no one approached her. It's a good thing no one made fun of her name though. The teachers warned us during first day that we shouldn't bother Hwang Eumsik. The teacher gave us a vague explanation, saying she had some "issues" and that if bothered, it would trigger a bad outcome. The students became more careful around her. They really believed she was a ghost.
And they're so stupid.
I smirked to myself, but still staring at her.
I became more curious when I heard about this "issues". That's when I started watching her from afar. And I learned a lot of things about her. When at home, I would watch her from my bedroom window, which was just opposite to hers. I could see her opening her curtains every morning. I always waited every school morning, sitting on our front porch, for her to get out of their house. Since school was just around three blocks away from our neighborhood, she would only walk. And every time, I would be walking behind her. Every time, before entering the school gates, she would crouch down on the corner and would open her bag. She would get a canned tuna out of it and would feed the street kittens. It was the only time of the day that I could see her give out a small, soft smile.
And she looks breathtaking every time she did so.
At school, I would sit opposite her. Then I would casually look sideways with a bored look but in truth, I was watching her while she draw doodles on her notebook. During lunch, she would eat silently on the bleachers since students didn't usually go there at that time. Except for me though, I would always follow her there. I would sit far enough so I wouldn't look suspicious. Then I would observe her as she ate. She went to the library every afternoon so naturally, I would follow her. I would watch her through the gaps of books on the shelves. It would take her time to read a book and so we would return home later than expected. After eating dinner, I would sit in my bedroom desk, just the right spot to look over my window so I could see her writing every night on her desk through her window.
Then she would close her curtains and the lights to her bedroom would go off. But I would not retire from my position though. Because as soon as the night would grow quiet, our neighborhood started sleeping, a blood-curling scream would break the silence of the night. And it always came from her direction. It started three days after they moved in. It didn't happen every time, though, I counted that it happened 3-4 times a week. Every time it happened, my heart would beat so fast and my mind would race by sheer panic. Every time it happened, I would stand behind my window, feeling all useless and hopeless. From my window, I could hear her sobs and screams, sounding awfully like she was drowning in her nightmares - I figured. Minutes after her screams started, I could hear her father's panicked voice as he would race towards his daughter's room. Then it would be silent again, and I stood there, relieved that her father was there to console and get her away from what had been torturing her.
That didn't go unnoticed by our neighbors. At first, they suspected that Mr. Hwang was the cause of it but he assured them it was the nightmares. He apologised for the noise and gave the same vague explanation that our teacher gave. She had issues. But she goes to her therapist every once in a while so don't worry. Not that they actually cared about her, they were just worried about their beauty sleep.
But I care. And I'm still worried every time.
As you might have guessed, I grew very interested about her. With all my stalking, I figured a lot about her. And it went on for three damn years. The only thing that I didn't know, though, was the color of her eyes.
I badly wanted to come up to her and introduce myself. I badly wanted to talk to her and know her better. I badly wanted to know what was her deal, what made her into this and why did she cry every night. I badly wanted to hold her, take her pain away and tell her everything would be alright. Yet with her personality, it seemed impossible and every time I would attempt to go to her, fear got the better of me.
This time though, I won't let the opportunity pass.
Ever since the night started, I planned to talk to her right then and there.
I have to talk to her. Now or never. Or it would be too late.
As if on cue, my heart suddenly clenched hard. I lost my grip on my cup and it went hurtling down to the floor, its contents spilled and splashed, wetting the ends of my trousers. I looked around to check if someone saw but found that I was alone up here and people below hadn't noticed me. I gritted my teeth as I felt it compressing further, like it was shrinking and trying to sink into my ribcage. Then suddenly, it relaxed, so abruptly that it felt like it bloated and slammed against my ribcage. This made my pulse weak in a violent way and my breathing became slow and uneven. My eyes watered from the intensity of the pain. I clutched at my chest, hard, finding it very hard to breath. Then I fumbled inside my suit, looking for the bottle of pills. My knees went weak so my body slid down towards the floor. I sat, leaning on the balcony, as I finally got a hold of the bottle. I fumbled to open it, then I took two pills and immediately swallowed it.
Seconds later, I could feel my heart returning slowly to its normal pace. My breathing evened as I felt my pulse throbbing gently now. I took deep breaths as I slumped against the balcony, wiping off sweat that had accumulated on my forehead.
That was close.
I laughed bitterly as I closed the bottle and shoved it back on my suit's inner pocket. I held the balcony for support as I stood up, my knees still trembling. When I got up, the lights went dim and a spotlight was focused on the stage. The emcee of the night stood there smiling as he said, "The night has slowly come to it's end everybody."
With this, the students emitted off whines and protests. I slowly relaxed and regained my composure. I turned to look at Eumsik again. I was startled when I saw her staring at me. Did she witness that? I was suddenly thankful I was wearing a mask. Our eyes met and hers widened into saucers. She quickly looked away, as if burned. She fumbled to wear her mask again. I could feel heat rising to my cheeks as I slightly grinned.
Did she just noticed me now?
"But before ending the night, we'll have the last, special dance of the night. I'm telling you all that this dance is mandatory. All students must be on the dance floor! For this is the traditional "star" dance of our very own Ulsan High! Now get along everyone, we'd like everyone on the dance floor please. Otherwise, the committee on duty would list your name for a point deduction later. Then after this dance, we would be announcing tonight's Winter Queen and King. We'll give instructions about this Star Dance once everyone is on the dance floor!"
And with that, excited chatters filled the room as the student body moved towards the dance floor. I looked to see Eumsik hesitating, probably contemplating between comfort and good grades. Finally, she chose the latter and advanced towards the dance floor. But she's standing still far away from the crowd. I smiled at this before I turned around and went downstairs.
Once everyone, including me (who was positioned just 5 meters away from Eumsik at the back of the crowd), was on the dance floor, the emcee spoke.
"Now that everyone's here, I want you guys to form six pairs of circles, since there are 120 of you here. Each pair would consists of an inner circle of 10 girls and an outer circle of 10 boys. You can choose your own circle. Now move and form guys!"
I watched everyone as they shuffled from left to right. The emcee also explained the position of each pair of circle. One would be at the center of the dance floor, two would be positioned on its sides, two on its rear and one near the stage. Each pair of circles would make a pattern of a star if watched at a distance.
I looked at Eumsik as she was having an internal battle. She had this anxious expression on. Everyone had their own circle by then, except for a few, including me and Eumsik. I was waiting for her. Then a committee member noticed her. The committee body could be distinguished among others because they wore matching silver masks. The said student approached her and talked to her, pointing at the crowd. Seeing that she had no choice, she let the student drag her towards the center circle, even though she was clearly uncomfortable with it. I followed suit, but was disappointed when I found out her circle was already full. The student who dragged her earlier saw me and ushered me towards another circle, the one near the stage.
"Now that you're in circles, here's a brief explanation. Star Dance has been a traditional activity every Winter Ball ever since our school was built. The Star Dance is believed to be a magical dance for it would bring couples together! And of course, most couples would truly be together after years. Aren't you excited to find out who will be your future lover?"
This elicited excited cheers from the crowd. I shook my head at their antics. It's so cliche and lame, and they're all looking forward to it.
Says the guy who eagerly followed a girl to her circle.
Whatever.
"There will be three songs. Before each song we'll give out instructions. When the song would play, you'll have to dance the person in front of you. When the song stops, you'll turn and have another partner... Now, I don't see any need to delay much further. Let us begin! First, everyone step to your right 10 times!"
And we all did. After that, the first song played. I hadn't paid attention as to who my partner was and what the song was. I was busy looking out for Eumsik that I often stepped on my partner's foot. The latter forgave me at first but glared at me later. I didn't care. I watched as Eumsik danced with a random guy. The former was clearly uncomfortable, her eyes hovered upwards, another sign that she was anxious. I held the urge to go towards her and whisk her away. That would be uncalled for. She didn't even know me.
When the song ended, we were told to exchange inner circles with the others. This made me hopeful. But unfortunately, our circles didn't exchange with each other. We danced with another partner again. Again, I was distracted as I watched Eumsik being extremely uncomfortable.
I had to do something...but what could I do? How am I different from the others? She might even push me away.
The song ended and I was getting agitated. I had to be her partner. Now or never.
If what destiny planned was not something you wanted, then fuck it and just write your own fate.
If I'm not destined to be in her circle, then I will force destiny to my will, one way or another.
That's when, as our inner circle changed places with another circle (not Eumsik's), I got an idea. I was aware that Eumsik's circle was just behind me, if I could just switch place with the boy behind me. But that doesn't guarantee you'll end up with Eumsik.
I shook my head to myself. It's now or never.
When the emcee told us to move three times to the left, I did some mental calculations. If I would change places with the boy behind me, we would still not be partners.
Screw it. This is more complicated than I thought.
We already moved three steps and I was still thinking hard. The song had already started and I recognized it even though it was in English. It was "Open Arms".
I made up my mind to just go there and whisk her away.
It's stupid, but I see no other options.
My partner waited for me to offer her my hand yet I still didn't. I was looking for the opportunity to get away and go to Eumsik. I took a deep breath and muttered a, "Sorry" to my partner. Before she could respond, I turned to execute my plan.
However, I found out I wouldn't be able to.
Because right then, I saw how Eumsik suddenly staggered backwards and said clearly, "I can't." The students around her stopped dancing and turned to look at her in confusion. She looked up and I saw panic in her expression when she realized many people were looking at her. She muttered something under her breath then she turned around and walked away.
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1.2
Baby don't cry tonight
After the darkness passes
Baby don't cry tonight
None of this will have happened
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