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Since you met him, there was just one thought that was living in your mind rent free.
"Baji Keisuke is going to break my heart one day, and it's going to hurt so fucking bad"
You met him by chance because you both had the habit to buy cat food at the same pet shop. He was talking on the phone with another person, who seemed like a friend from the way he was addressing him. That's how you understood he was at the pet shop for a cat.
Maybe it wasn't nice to hear the conversation, but you couldn't help it and stopped him from going to the cashier when you noticed a pack of dog food in his hands.
From then, you didn't have a clue of how casual encounters started turning into dates, and you also had no idea why.
Keisuke was your total opposite. His wild personality had nothing to do with your shy attitude and cautios manners.
And still, you couldn't do anything but falling in love with him. You just couldn't believe he was feeling the same, even when he asked you to be his girlfriend.
Even when his friends were teasing him about his non-stop monologues about how perfect you were.
To a normal person, those monologues would sound like a proof of how he was in love with you, but you still felt insecure because those were just his friends words.
You had a completely different life before meeting him, you just graduated from high school, and... in your whole life, never a single boy asked you out.
So, when Baji Keisuke did, you felt like there was something wrong. Because Keisuke was the most beautiful boy you had ever seen, and you didn't feel the same about yourself.
You felt stupid anytime you compared your appearance to Keisuke's, because you knew it was wrong and it had nothing to do with your relationship.
Keisuke was reckless, and wild, and stupid, but he was so sweet whenever it came to you.
You felt awful everytime you weren't saying a word about your insecurities, but you were so afraid to be right, and you didn't want him to just disappear from your life.
You two had been dating for a year by now, and you still felt like there was an imaginary countdown to the end of your relationship, but you didn't know the expire date.
It was scary and frustrating, because you two shared a deep feeling for eachother, and the relationship was so beautiful in your everyday life, but there was that shadow of insecurity from you that just wouldn't go away.
What if he was just waiting to find a way to break up with you without bothering too much?
What if one day he would just get tired and leave you alone?
-
That night Keisuke was staying at your house for dinner, and you pushed yourself not to think about anything but enjoying that night. You ordered food and drinks, and then thought about watching a movie together. And you were really enjoying that night.
But then, the trigger had been pulled when you two almost finished eating.
The TV was on, you were not really listening to the news as always (you only listened to the news whenever Keisuke was doing something illegal and you checked them out because you didn't want him to get caught), but a news called your attention.
There was a famous couple (maybe they were actors? Or singers?) who just broke up after 12 years, the reason being tiredness, and you just couldn't help but feel nauseous.
Keisuke noticed that you were nervous, and when you looked up meeting his eyes, you knew you messed up.
He was worried, and you felt awful.
"Y/n are you alright?" that's how you knew your face was probably something to worry about because maybe it clearly witnessed you feeling suddenly sick.
"I-I'm fine, I just... maybe spicy food wasn't the best choice for tonight..." you lied and it felt horrible. Everything was so stupid and ridiculous because you just couldn't find the strenght to talk with your boyfriend about what was worrying you.
"I'm going to the bathroom, we can think about this later" you said pointing at the table, still full of food and drinks.
All you managed to do was closing the bathroom door behind you and start crying silently.
What you didn't know, was that Keisuke didn't believe you from the start.
He crossed his arms, still sitting alone at the table, and then turned off the TV with the remote.
He knew there was something more going on, even if he was stupid.
Keisuke noticed how you felt insecure about your relationship, and about him too.
He knew you loved him because it was clear, but your trust was something really hard to achieve. And he just couldn't understand how the first thing didn't come with the second one.
He scratched his head multiple times trying to figure out what to do, but after 2 minutes he stood up and reached you straight to the bathroom.
Keisuke didn't even wait for your permission to come in, he just knocked twice and then opened the door.
He opened the door just to see you in tears with some toilet paper in your hands, shaking, trying not to make the mascara melt.
You looked at him with wide eyes hoping to disappear and go anywhere else, and you couldn't say anything.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked that question almost if he already knew the topic, but then he shaked his head strongly and got closer to you.
"You know, I don't care if you want to talk about it or not, we need to talk about it. So, what's the probl- and god why are you shaking like that?" he started worrying even more when you started shaking even more, so he did what Keisuke, the best boyfriend you could've ask for, would have always do. He held you in his arms trying to calm you.
Keisuke already saw you crying before, but he never caught you crying for him like that. And you feel like an idiot, because he did nothing wrong and everything was perfectly fine. You needed to get it out of your chest, those stupid thoughts were suffocating you, and you didn't want him to worry. Because Keisuke was beautiful when he was smiling, and teasing you, and making you laugh. Not when he was looking at you with that worrying look, maybe even afraid he couldn't do anything.
"I'm sorry, Kei... there's really nothing I can complain about when it comes to you..." you murmured holding him close. It was true, because you thought Keisuke didn't deserve someone who was afraid of his feelings towards them.
He looked at you almsot confused, not really understanding where the conversation was going, but you took a deep breath and got out of the bathroom, leading him to your bedroom.
You felt more at ease if you had the possibility to sit down somewhere comfortable, and you sat on your desk chair. Keisuke sat on the edge of your bed, looking at you and hoping nothing bad comes out of your mouth.
He was about to say something, but you decided to interrupt him.
"I'm sorry, I don't want you to worry about... this" you said pointing at your tears.
"But... I think I can't hide it anymore, and I'm sorry for doing it until now. I just... maybe you noticed how I feel insecure about myself. Of course you did, cause you really are something whenever you try to convince me about being more self confident and all, you always put everything you've got to make me believe I am worthy of staying with you. Still, there are times when... I... I can't help but ask myself why..."
Those words came out and you always thought you would feel better after saying everything, but then you looked at Keisuke and realized you were terrified by his answer.
Now he was angry.
"So, for a whole year, you thought you were hiding it?" your throat was suddenly dry, just hearing that question.
"I notice how you act, and I know you don't do it on purpose, but I know! I accepted that part of you since I met you, but I won't accept it if it's hurting you this much!" you felt the worst person in the world for being surprised about those words. He showed how he cared for you everyday, through actions and words, and still you were surprised.
"I feel so stupid right now..." you murmured, and you needed a moment.
A moment that Baji wasn't willing to give you.
He crushed his lips with yours, and then slowed, kissing you like you were the most important thing in the world.
"Feel you, I'm used to it" he chuckled, and now it was your turn to look at him confused.
"I love you y/n, and I know you love me too, but you need to trust me about what I feel for you. I might never be the type of boyfriend most girls would want, because I'm a troublemaker and everything I do becomes dangerous. Even ordinary things. And you love me despite you know that it's wrong... and against the law 50% of the times" he was caressing your cheek, and you chuckled.
"Increase the percentage" you joked, and he rolled his eyes letting out a smile.
"I'm just trying to say that... you trust me whenever we ride my bike at 3AM without a helmet on, running out from the cops. Why can't you trust me when it comes to loving you?"
He was right. Everything didn't make sense. Keisuke had always been serious about how much he loved you, he really tried, because sometimes his attitude won't show that side of him. You knew that, and you had the audacity to continue messing up.
And Keisuke was speaking to you like everytime he didn't understand something at school, and you both studied together to make him graduate, even if you finished school. It was genuine.
"I always wondered what I did to deserve someone like you, and I always felt like the catch was just around the corner. I love you Kei, and I promise- I swear, I will try not to think there's something wrong with me anymore..."
You finally smiled, and when you finished talking, finally feeling relieved, he almost laughed.
"What are you laughing about?!" you asked frowning your eyebrows.
"You're really sweet and I love you, but I think I just found something wrong about you..." his tone was almost as if he was planning something evil, and you held your breath trying to move at his first suspicious moment.
He grabbed a red marker from your desk, the same you used when he was attending his last high school year. You used to mark errors in his assingments with that marker.
But you were too concerned trying to figure out what he was trying to do, and it was too late for you to move when Keisuke literally drew something on your forehead, starting to laugh.
You widened your eyes, he had been too fast, and you stood up going straight to the mirror.
There was a huge red X on your forehead, and he was still laughing at you.
"You motherfucker! What is that supposed to mean?!" you yelled at him and grabbed the collar of his shirt.
"Your bad thoughts! That's the only thing that's wrong with you!" he said that shit like it was obvious.
"You're so dead Baji Keisuke!"
And that's how you started fighting in your bed, with basically you throwing punches and pillows at him, and him rejecting everything like the Toman 1st Division Captain he was, while he was laughing.
He held you in his arms, and you ended up cuddling and kissing somewhere in the process, without even knowing the time when you both fell asleep.
The morning after, you tried to wash that red X off of your face, but the marker Keisuke used was a permanent one.
And you hated him with everything you had, because you thought about how stupid he was.
But you felt stupid too, for having thought Keisuke wouldn't love you back.
You let yout a chuckle while you gave up trying to clean the mess on your forehead, and you got out of the bathroom.
Maybe the whole thing about love was feeling stupid.
And maybe you would've paint Keisuke red somewhere while he was asleep.