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Inupi thought he would be used to it by now, but it still hurt the same as the day he realized Koko would never have eyes for him and love him back. He tried to find comfort in the fact that Koko was still his best friend and loved him, even if he wasn't in love with him.
There were moments Inupi would forget about his unrequited crush (was it really just a crush at this point?). Moments where the two of them were happy together and it seemed like the whole world disappeared and they were the only people that mattered. But this utopia would always get shattered when he saw how Koko looked at Akane. And god , how Inupi longed for Koko to look at him with those eyes filled with love and tenderness too. However, he knew this was something that would never come true.
He did dare to dream about it sometimes though.
More often than not his mind would get lost thinking about how soft Koko's lips must be and how much he wanted to see it for himself if it was true.
The first time his world collapsed was the day Koko asked him if his sister had a boyfriend. Inupi immediately realized what this was about, Koko wasn't as good as him hiding his feelings. He could tell in one glance that Koko liked Akane. His heart was broken into a thousand pieces.
"No," he replied and Koko's face lit up. "But she already likes someone," he lied.
It was only fair he wasn't the only one with a broken heart that day. He regretted it as soon as he said it, though. The disappointed gloomy look on Koko's face hurt more than he thought it would.
Something shifted between them after Akane died. Inupi couldn't stand the way Koko would look at him, as if he wished Inupi wasn't the one he had saved. Koko never actually said it out loud, but Inupi knew. He knew Koko would prefer Akane to be alive over him.
Inupi could feel the pain getting bigger over time, like he was going insane from the bitter feeling.
The first few months were the worst. Koko could barely bring himself to look at him. Probably because Inupi reminded him too much of his now-dead crush.
After a while had passed it somehow became easier to interact and they managed to fall back into their old ways. Inupi always blamed himself, though. There were moments he too wished Akane was the one alive instead of him.
Sometimes when it was just the two of them and Koko was feeling needy he would lay his head on Inupi's lap. Inupi would run his fingers through Koko's beautiful silky hair, half cursing him for having such beautiful hair without doing anything to take care of it and half wishing that moment would last forever.
But like most good things it had to come to an end. It always did.
It was not unusual for them to sleep in each other's houses, they were inseparable best friends after all. But on rare and far in-between occasions Koko would climb into Inupi's bed and hold him close.
"Is this okay?" It was always okay, as long as it was him. Koko would usually fall asleep quickly while Inupi would stay awake as much as possible just to hold on to these moments for a little longer. Still, like everything more intimate between the two of them it would never last for too long. Inupi always woke up cold and with Koko no longer in his arms.
Inupi never dared to be the one to start any physical affection between the two of them, worrying he would be taking advantage of Koko because he wasn't aware of how he felt about him.
Inupi usually wasn't so obvious about his feelings for Koko but something about that day made him not avert his eyes when he was caught staring. They locked eyes and stayed like that for a minute.
"What?" Koko asked after a while.
"Just thinking about how beautiful you are," Inupi said trying his hardest to hide how much he meant those words from the bottom of his heart.
"Stop messing around, Inupi!" Koko said blushing and averting his eyes.
"I'm serious."
"Yeah, right," he scoffed.
Inupi sighed and went back to reading his book, ignoring how Koko wouldn't believe his words.
A few minutes passed and then Koko got up and went to Inupi's side to where he was sitting in the window. Koko grabbed Inupi's hand making him look at him.
"Do you really mean it?" He asked slightly embarrassed.
"I really do," Inupi said looking at him.
Koko continued to stare deep into his eyes in silence. He couldn't really figure out what he was doing right now to be very honest.
"Can I..." Inupi gulped as Koko stared down at his lips. "Can I kiss you?" Koko pleaded in a whisper.
That took Inupi by surprise. He definitely wasn't expecting Koko to ask him something like that. He stayed quiet for a moment, completely in shock. His brain short-circuited and couldn't really process this was actually happening.
Koko took his silence as a no and was about to let go of his hand and turn his back to him when Inupi held it tighter, making Koko look back at him.
"You can," he managed to say, trying to refrain himself from saying how much he had dreamed about this moment.
He couldn't help but notice how Koko's eyes sparkled for a moment. With the other hand that wasn't holding his, Koko rested it on his cheek and caressed it carefully, almost as he was afraid of touching him. Inupi hummed and leaned into the touch.
Koko pressed his lips against his and Inupi could never have guessed that that was how it felt to kiss Koko for the first time. Not even in his wildest dreams did he think it would be this exhilarating. He could feel his heart pounding loud in his ears. It was just a small peck on the lips but for him, that was already everything .
Koko pulled away and they both opened their eyes and stared at each other speechless.
He honestly thought he would never hear from Koko again. Well, it had been seven years since they had last seen and spoken to each other. It wasn't the first time Koko had left him, but this time it looked like it he was really not coming back.
Inupi never managed to let him leave his mind though. He usually could keep those thoughts away during the day as he was busy working at the D&D shop with Draken. Yet the moment he let his head hit the pillow the thoughts would never leave him alone. Inupi hadn't had a good night of sleep in years by now, always tossing and turning with his mind racing and ruminating as he tried to forget about the love of his life and fall asleep.
It was on a rainy day when it finally happened. He was there. Koko was there. In front of the D&D shop. And soaking wet on top of that.
Inupi wasn't sure how to react. His mind was still processing what the fuck was happening. And like he was on autopilot he grabbed Koko's hand and let him under his umbrella.
"You're gonna catch a cold," ended up being the first thing they said to each other in years.
Koko still hadn't said anything as he let himself be dragged around by Inupi.
"Where are you taking me?" Koko had finally said.
"My place is near here. We're gonna get you dried and out of these wet clothes," he realized how that might have sounded and quickly added, "and into clean ones."
Not exactly what he actually wanted to do though if he was being completely honest, but he wasn't going to admit that.
"Okay," Koko said and they didn't really speak again until they reached Inupi's place a couple of minutes later, never letting go of each other’s hand on the way there.
Inupi's place wasn't anything extravagant, but it was enough for him. He left for his bedroom to get some dry clothes and a towel as Koko waited for him at the door so he wouldn't get the whole house wet. He came back and handed them out to Koko.
"Thanks," he mumbled as he started to take off his clothes and Inupi quickly turned around, embarrassed.
"You don't have to turn around, y'know? It's not like you've never seen me naked." He could almost hear Koko's smirk mocking him but he decided to let it be.
"The bathroom is over there if you want to take a shower."
"Okay," Koko said and Inupi could see from the corner of his eyes a Koko only in his underwear walking down the room.
He was still paralyzed in the living room when he heard the sound of Koko turning on the water. It was only then that it really hit him. Koko was actually here. In his fucking apartment. Taking a fucking shower. What the fuck?
Inupi let himself fall into his bed and covered his eyes with his arm. Why the fuck was this happening? Koko hadn't tried to contact him in all those years after they parted ways, not by Inupi's choice by the way. Why was he here now? He had to ask Koko that.
The door to his room opened and Inupi sat up startled.
"Hey," Koko said shyly sitting beside Inupi.
God, how good he looked wearing Inupi's clothes. They were roughly the same size so his clothes fit perfectly on him.
Once again Inupi couldn't take his eyes off Koko, analyzing every part of the boy sitting beside him. He wanted to touch him so badly, but he was so afraid. Afraid Koko would pull back. At the front of the shop, he had grabbed his hand almost on instinct and without really thinking about it.
Feeling brave after a long time, Inupi reached out and rested his hand on Koko's cheek rubbing it with his thumbs tenderly. Koko didn't pull away. In fact, he leaned into the touch. Almost as he missed it as much as Inupi did.
"Just making sure that you're real," he explained.
"I'm real," Koko replied resting his hand on top of Inupi's.
"Come here," Inupi said as he patted the space between his legs. "We need to dry your hair," he said as he reached for the towel laying beside them.
Koko got up and sat in front of him and Inupi started to dry his hair. They stayed like that for a while as they let the silence and heavy burden of years of unspoken words fill the room.
In a moment of bravery and curiosity, Inupi finally asked.
"What are you doing here, Koko?"
He didn't reply for a moment, just anxiously fidgeted with the shirt's sleeve.
"I don't know. I guess I just missed you," he finally admitted.
That took Inupi by surprise and he stopped moving his hands on Koko's hair.
"Sorry. I probably shouldn't have said that. I don't really have the right to miss you when I was the one who wanted to part ways before."
Inupi couldn't see Koko's face from the way they were sitting but he sure could hear the hurt in his voice.
"It's okay," he said and paused for a moment before admitting his next words. "I missed you too."
"I don't want to anymore though," Koko said with pleading eyes turning around to face Inupi and resting his hand on his thigh. He could almost feel his skin burn where Koko touched him.
"What is it that you don't want?"
"To leave you. Ever again. I know I have a lot of making up to do, but I promise it this time I really mean it."
Inupi looked into Koko’s eyes searching for any signs of doubt but he couldn’t find any, all he did find was a boy looking at him with so much fondness. A look in his eyes that Inupi had yearned for as long as he could remember. Koko was being serious.
He got on his knees and then climbed on the bed on top of Inupi, making him fall on his back. Koko continued to gaze at him and Inupi couldn’t help but wonder what he saw. He felt lightheaded like this wasn’t actually happening. But the heat that traveled through his whole body brought him back to reality.
As much as he always craved it Inupi never really had the courage to start much of the physical touches they shared. Yet today seemed different from any of those days before. Somehow today seemed like it could last. Like they could last. In a moment of bravery, he finally reached out and with a hand, he gently pulled Koko’s face down.
“Please don’t leave me again,” he pleaded from the bottom of his heart, their faces inches apart.
“I won’t,” Koko whispered like he regretted every time he broke Inupi’s heart.
Full of anticipation and feeling like the world had slowed down Inupi closed the gap between them and kissed Koko. But this one wasn’t like the other times. He kissed Koko without being scared. With no fear of Koko not seeing him. With no fear of Koko not really wanting it. With no fear of him not meaning it.
With no fear of Koko leaving.
They had shared their share of kisses during the time they still talked to each other years ago, but they never really talked about it after. Koko never brought it up. And Inupi was too scared to bring it up himself, afraid Koko would end up thinking he was being too clingy and pushing him away. More than anything he was scared Koko would leave him. Well, he did leave him in the end anyway. Yet this time it seemed different.
Inupi decided it was okay to indulge himself in this and allow himself to enjoy the moment, believing Koko had meant every word he had said today.
For the first time in his life, Inupi felt like he was genuinely being loved. Like he wasn’t just a replacement. Like he was finally enough. Like Koko was also in love with him. The same way Inupi felt about him from the very beginning.
Inupi kissed him eagerly, never wanting to let go. Never wanting it to end. Koko matched his enthusiasm just as much.
Koko pulled away for a moment and Inupi was ready to spiral into some dark thoughts about him regretting kissing him. Instead, Koko’s eyes filled with lust for him, sending shivers down Inupi’s spine. He could see he wanted this just as badly as he did.
Koko bit his lip and looked away, like he wanted to say something but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He then looked back at Inupi and ran his hand through his hair like he was mustering all the courage to admit his following words.
“I love you,” he said with all the sincerity in the world.
It was like he had been swept off his feet. Inupi could feel his stomach doing a flip. Without being able to keep his composure he let a tear run down his face, he couldn’t help but think he was dreaming. Koko panicked instantly, thinking he had done something wrong. Inupi then smiled softly back at him and the panic in Koko’s face seemed to ease up.
“Do you really mean it?”
“With every fiber of my being.”
“I love you too. I have for so long now,” he admitted. Words he never thought he would have the courage to ever say out loud.
“Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
“I never thought you’d have eyes for anyone else that wasn’t Akane,” Inupi said averting his eyes and turning his face to the side a bit.
Koko sighed in disappointment.
“What?” Inupi asked turning to face him again.
“It was only a childhood crush, y’know? I haven’t liked her for a long time now.”
After all this time it finally clicked. Maybe it really was all in his head. How he thought Koko used him as a replacement for his sister. How Koko never wanted him for him. Koko might as well have been pining just as much as him and he never noticed.
“I see,” Inupi grinned softly at him and pulled him down to kiss him once again.
Maybe things could be different from now on. Maybe it was okay to hope for a better future where they would keep each other company and grow old together.
And this time, when the next morning came around, Inupi woke up feeling warm and with Koko still in his arms.