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I can’t believe I’m doing this! I’m 26 years old, Renee shouldn't still be able to talk me into doing stupid shit. You would think that the years I spent in Fork and ASU would have lessened her influence but no. I may have been the responsible one in our relationship, but she was the persuasive one.

So here I was, getting my makeup done before making my debut on Love is Blind.

God, this is pathetic. It’s not like I have much trouble meeting guys. I dated a little in Forks and I hooked up with a handful of men in college, but nothing ever really clicked. After seeing the first season of this show, Renee was positive I needed to be a contestant.

“You’ll meet people more like you sweetie,” she insisted, “people who care about what’s inside. Other old souls.”

When she found out they were filming this season in Ithaca, she said it was fate.

“This is why the universe sent you away from the sun Bella! So you could meet the perfect man!”

By “the universe” Renee meant grad school. I was getting my PhD in literature from Cornell. Meaning that I had better things to do than be on an insane reality show. Wow, I must really hate dating.

I’d have to do my first interview soon, then I’d get to meet the rest of the girls. And tonight, we’d have our first experience in the pods. I shouldn’t be so nervous. Odds are, I’ll talk to a few people, not like anyone enough to get ENGAGED TO THEM IN A WEEK WITHOUT EVER SEEING THEM then go home and go back to my life. I’ll spend so little time on the show that no one will ever remember I did this. The only difference will be that I got Renee off my back.

***

I’ve been looking for the right person for over 100 years, so I’m sure that I’m here for the right reasons. But I can’t help but feel like this might have been a bad idea.

I hid enough blood in my suitcase to get me through three weeks–I optimistically brought enough to make it through the Mexican vacation. I’d already included a rare sun allergy in my backstory, so that should let me stay inside and inconspicuous on the trip.

I know that this is risky. A vampire on TV? Dating humans? If this went well, I might get recognized, which could make my incognito lifestyle harder to manage. But we could always spend some time in Alaska to wait out the hype. It was also very possible that a woman could love me, but not fully accept what I am. And that she may be uncomfortable with the idea of growing old while I stayed young and immortal. I half hoped that there was another vampire as foolish as I was on the other side of the pod.

But that shouldn’t matter right? Like the show’s title says, love is blind!

I have to do this. Seeing everyone in my life with a partner, happy and complete, was becoming too much. I didn’t want to spend an eternity alone–though I’m claiming to be 20, I’m 126 for god's sake, it’s time to settle down. I’d tried meeting people the old fashioned way, I even tried to make myself fall for Tanya, but nothing stuck. No one felt right.

But that could change today. In just a few hours, I could be talking to my future wife–to my soulmate. If I had a heart, it would be beating fast with anticipation.

***

I want to murder Renee. My first three dates were worse than I could have possibly imagined. The first asshole–Ricky–asked me what dress size I was, and followed up my non-answer by asking about my favorite sex position. Liam wouldn’t shut up about his workout routine, and Chris acted like he’d never talked to another human before.

“Hello?” Well, at least this one had a sexy voice. It was smooth like silk and sweet like honey.

“Hi, my name is Bella.” This was the first time I’d smiled in this stupid pod.

“Edward, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” I’d never wanted to fuck a voice so badly. Every girl is going to be after this guy.

I expected him to ask a question, but he was oddly quiet. Ok, guess I’d have to take the lead then.

“So Edward, what brings you on a reality dating show?”

His startled laugh was as sexy as his voice. “The same thing that brings everyone here I guess: I want to find love, and I’ve had trouble the old fashioned way, so I thought I’d give this a try.”

“How long have you been trying the old fashioned way?”

“Long enough.” He avoided the age question, meaning he must either be 18 or 45. “What about you?”

“I let my mom talk me into trying this show.” He laughed again. God, I could listen to him all day.

“So are you close with your family?”

“I am. My parents are divorced, and I spent most of my life with my mom. But I lived with my dad for my last two years of high school and we really bonded during that time.”

“Any siblings?”

“Nope, just me. What about you? Are you close with your family?”

“I was adopted when I was young and am very close with my parents and siblings. We’ve made an effort to live close to each other, even as we went to college.”

“I guess it’s easier to stay local for college when you live in Ithaca.”

“You’re probably right. Are you from the area?”

“No, just here for grad school. I’m getting a PhD in literature.”

“That’s fantastic! I also study literature.”

Haha! Another chance to try to nail down his age. “What degree are you working towards?”

“A B.A.” Damn, I thought he might be a baby. “But I’m on a rather unconventional path.” So there was hope that he was age appropriate! “Do you have a favorite author?”

“Tons! But my thesis is on Jane Austen.”

“Austen is a genius. Her grasp of love mixed with her social commentary is perfect.”

“Right? So many people don’t understand the satirical side of her books! My thesis is actually focusing on how she used romance as a means of commenting on society more generally.”

“That sounds riveting. You’ll have to let me read it when you’re done.”

This was the first conversation that felt easy. We talked about other books, our favorite places on campus, and professors we’d both had. I almost forgot we were being filmed. It seemed natural that I couldn’t see him. I felt blind sided when they told me our time was up.

“We’ll have to talk again soon Bella.”

“Agreed–this is the first conversation I’ve had that hasn’t made me want to claw my ears off, so thank you.”

“That’s an incredibly low bar, but I’m glad I met it,” he chuckled. God, that laugh.

I thought about proposing right then and there, just so I didn’t have to go through any more god awful dates. But I didn’t think the producers would be thrilled about that.

After a mix of intensely bad, mildly bad, and pretty ok conversations, a deep baritone leaped through the wall.

“Hi! My name is Jacob and I’m so excited to meet you! What’s your name?”

“Bella, nice to meet you Jacob.” I couldn’t help but smile, his enthusiasm was infectious. It felt refreshingly genuine.

“Bella, if you could be anywhere on Earth other than here, where would you be?”

“Verona, Italy,” I answered without hesitation. “It is at the top of my travel bucket list.”

“What’s so special about Verona?”

He wasn’t a lit major. That’s ok. “It’s the city Romeo and Juliet was set in. It’s my favorite Shakespeare play. Where would you be?”

“Wow, you’re definitely smarter than me,” his rumbling laugh caught me off guard. It wasn't as heart stopping as Edward’s, but it was so warm and full of joy. “I’d probably go to Forks, Washington. I lived there with my dad when I was a kid, but we moved when I was 14. He got a great opportunity closer to Seattle. I really miss it there though.”

“That’s crazy–I lived in Forks for my last few years of high school!”

“Small world! We must have just missed each other.” He almost sounded sad that we hadn’t over lapped. It was pretty adorable. “But enough about what might have been. I have an important question for you since you like books: what Hogwarts House are you?”

I laughed this time. It had been years since someone had asked me about my House. “People expect me to be a Ravenclaw, but I’m a proud Hufflepuff.”

“Same! Hufflepuffs forever!”

Talking to Jacob was fun. I didn’t learn much about the details of his life, but after a few rounds of fuck, marry, kill, I felt like I understood who he was. And he was a kind goofball. Maybe being on this show wouldn’t be too bad.

***

I’d talked to fourteen women, but only one that mattered. Only one of them was interesting. Bella. Some of the others seemed nice enough. Being able to read minds really gave me a leg up in this show.
But I couldn’t get a read on Bella. I’d experienced variations in people’s thoughts before. Some are loud, some quieter. Some blurrier, others crystal clear. But I got nothing from Bella. Radio silence. It was a good thing there was a wall between us. I think I’d managed to hide my confusion well enough, but I doubt I’d have been as composed face to face with her. I’m sure the footage was…interesting.

It wasn't just the mystery of her thoughts that intrigued me. I kept replaying our conversation in my head. She was so smart. But it wasn’t just that. The love that filled her voice when she talked about her parents. The kindness and empathy she showed when talking about her classmates. Something about her just felt…right.

But my feelings wouldn't be enough. She also had to feel that I was right. I’d been careful not to share my supposed age after learning she was a graduate student. Even though I’m actually more than 80 years her senior, she may not be willing to take a chance on me if she thinks I’m a dumb kid. And I needed her to take a chance on me. I needed to talk to her again.

But on top of that, she’d eventually need to learn everything about me. This entire thing is an experiment to see if love is truly blind–if the connection we make with each other’s souls is enough to overcome any other differences we may have. But to marry a vampire? Love may have to be more than blind to get past that–it may have to be idoitic too.

“I think I’m in love!” One of the other contestants burst into the room, hearts practically falling out of his eyes. God, some of the people here have no sense of decorum. He knows that we’re all technically dating the same people, right?

“Who's the lucky girl Jacob?” Another contestant–I think his name is Liam?--asked.

“My bell is named Bella! She had the most perfect voice and the best sense of humor. I could talk to her forever,” Jacob swooned.

I froze. There was only one Bella. My Bella. The Bella who had already awakened a part of me that I didn’t know existed. Oh god, what if she liked him better? What if he proposed first and she said yes? What if I propose first and she says no because she wants to say yes to him? I felt like I was drowning.

“I wouldn't get your hopes too high bro. I’m pretty sure Bella’s totally into me. And I’m not closing any doors yet,” Ricky said with a wink. So I guess my biggest challenge this week will be not murdering my fellow contestants. I saw the things that Ricky was picturing. He hadn’t even seen these women, yet he somehow had pictured all of them naked. But I couldn’t imagine Bella going for a guy like Ricky.
Jacob’s thoughts were annoyingly tame. He clearly liked this girl–he genuinely connected with her. He was replaying his conversation with her the way I was, though his memory of her voice was a bit off. This guy might actually be a threat…

“Yeah, Bella was fantastic. I think she’s my number one,” I tried my best to come off as casual, imitating the way I’d heard past contestants talk about their dates. I wanted to let him know he had competition, without showing how desperate I was to win.

“I’d be shocked if she wasn’t everyone’s number one,” that stupid grin refused to leave his face, “but the real question is who her number one is.”

***

“I’m not sure who my number one is,” I told the camera, “I think I had the best conversations with Edward and Jacob though.” This was my worst nightmare. Talking about my feelings. To a camera. That would share said feelings with the world.

But I couldn’t stay too mad. I still thought this show was truly stupid, but I couldn’t deny the connections I felt. Would it have been different if I’d met either of them at a bar or a library? Would I have ever met either of them without this show? Despite living in the same town, I was sure I’d never run across either of them.

The spark I felt with Edward was intense and almost instant. I guess you could call it love at first sound. And the more I learned about him, the more I liked him. We had the same taste in books and people. He was clearly devoted to his family, which means we have the same values. It may not be much, but I’d never felt more in sync with someone so fast.

It was different with Jacob. He brought out a lighter side in me, a sillier side. I don’t have a great sense of what he wants long term, or even why he’s here, but I trust he’s a good man. There was a foundation there that we could build on.

I’d have more time to talk to both of them of course–and unfortunately several of the other male contestants. I suppressed a groan at the thought of talking to Ricky again.

After my interview, I joined the other girls in our housing.

“Ok, so whose voice was your favorite?” Christy, a gorgeous nurse, really knew how to get to the heart of the matter.

“Ricky’s voice may have been hot if he hadn’t been asking if he would be able to lift me on his shoulders at a concert.” I couldn’t help but cackle.

“Jacob melted my panties from start to finish,” Renesmee, the youngest contestant on the show with an odd but beautiful name, added.

“What about you Bella? Whose voice made you swoon?” Christy probably thought she was being nice by including me, but I would have loved to continue being a fly on the wall.

“I also liked Jacob’s voice, but Edward’s probably stuck with me the most,” that was putting it lightly. My dreams would be filled with his voice for months–even if I never see his face, I’m never going to forget that voice.

“OH! How have we not mentioned Edward yet! It felt like he knew exactly what to say to all my questions–such a perfect gentleman,” preschool teacher Martha chimed in. “Honestly I thought a lot of those guys were super sweet. I’m glad we don’t have to decide today!”

“Agreed! I’m happy to play the field a bit longer,” Christy said with a wink.

***

It was finally time to get back in the pods. Pretending to sleep was more excruciating than I expected. My desire to talk to Bella was almost as strong as my thirst had been as a newborn. And I feared it would only get stronger. I would propose today if I wasn’t terrified of her saying no.

I had to force my way through comparatively asinine conversations before getting to Bella. I asked a few of the girls if they’d made any friends, hoping that they’d talk or think about Bella. Martha mentioned Bella during our conversation, which made me appreciate her more than I thought was possible. I considered jumping into the producer's mind so I could see her, but no–I would do my best to stay loyal to the premise of the show. I would resist the urge to cheat for as long as I could.

“Hello?” Thank god. After what felt like an eternity, Bella was on the other side of the wall.

“Bella! I’m so glad it’s you,” Jesus Christ, I was not doing great at playing it cool.

But she laughed, “Glad you’re happy to see–well I guess happy to hear–me. I’ve been thinking about our last conversation a lot.”

My chest swelled. I didn’t know it could still do that. “Glad to hear that it wasn’t just me.”

“I already feel so close to you. Is that weird? We barely know each other, and yet…” So this is what perfect happiness felt like.

“I feel the same way. It’s almost like you’re a part of me, like a piece of myself I didn’t know was missing.” Oh shit, was that too much? That was almost certainly–

“That’s a good way of putting it.” I wish I could read her mind so I could be certain that she wasn’t just placating me.

“I actually have a very important question for you Bella: what is your favorite color?”

The rest of the conversation went on like this. We took turns asking each other about small details. I managed to answer most questions honestly. Some things–like favorite foods–required a bit of truth stretching (I said venison and mentioned that my family enjoyed hunting), but I tried my best to let her see me as fully as I felt I was seeing her.

Our time was up far too soon. I already missed her.

“Can we talk again tomorrow Bella?”

“Of course. You’re one of my favorite people,” I could almost hear the smile in her voice. But I didn’t want to be just one of her favorite people here–I wanted to be her first choice.

“In here, or in general?”

“Both.” That was a good start. Of course, she was already my absolute favorite person, but I’d give her the time and hope she someday felt the same.

“Glad to hear it. Have a good night Bella.”

***

Talking to Jacob felt different. I still really liked him, but not enough. Before Edward, I may have thought that I was in love with Jacob. But now I know better. I feel more strongly for Jacob than I have for any guy I’ve ever dated, but it’s still not a tenth of what I feel for Edward. I may have been uncertain at first, but over the past few days, it had become clear: Edward was the man I was meant to marry.

But I really liked talking to Jacob. If Edward fired me up, Jacob calmed me down. And even though I’d chosen Edward, I have no way of knowing if he’ll choose me. For all I know, he’s off proposing to Martha–she had said nice things to say about him after our dates. And if I couldn’t be with Edward, I’d want to see where things go with Jacob. So for now, I would keep talking to Jacob, keep building what I hoped would be a lifelong friendship.

“You know Bella, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you.” Oh shit. We may be on the same page about “life-long” but did not seem to agree on the “friendship” part of my dream.

“I think that we have a good connection too. I always laugh when I talk to you.” Maybe I should have been more honest. I didn’t want to hurt him, but if this was going where I thought it was…

“What would you say if I proposed to you?” Well, I’d always appreciated how direct Jacob was. As far as I knew, no one else was engaged yet–this might be the first proposal of the season. And I had to turn it down.

“I really care about you Jacob, but…”

“But nothing. If you care about me, then say yes.”

“I’m in love with someone else.”

“Who, Ricky? I never thought you’d go for a guy like–”

“God no, I'd rather die than be with Ricky,” well that line was definitely going to be on the show, “I’m in love with Edward.”

“Oh…well, I guess we’re done here then.”

“Jacob, wait I’m so —”

I heard the door slam from the other pod before I could finish my apology. So much for staying friends. At least Renesmee would be happy. She was head over heels for Jacob–he was all she talked about. Maybe one of the other guys will slap some sense into him and convince him to propose to her.

***

Jacob’s thoughts were so loud they I could hear them before he entered the room. Thank god he was sad. I’d been anxious ever since I heard his plans to propose to Bella–I honestly don’t know what I would have done if she’d said yes. But the wordless anger and sadness that consumed his thoughts made it clear what her answer had been.

“How’d the proposal go, Jacob?” Ricky really didn’t know how to read the room.

“She said no,” if he’d been rejected by anyone else, I would have felt bad for him.

“Aw man really? I thought you and Renesmee were a sure thing. Always seemed to be talking about you, even during our dates,” Ricky replied.

“I proposed to Bella, not Renesmee. I think Renesmee is great, but there’s just something about Bella. I think she’s meant to be in my life.”

“Maybe you’re just meant to be friends.” I should have stayed silent, but I couldn’t help it. As soon as I started talking, Jacob replayed Bella’s thoughts in his mind
“I’m in love with Edward.”

Without a second thought, I went to my room and grabbed my mother’s ring. I’d kept it all these years, hoping to find the right person to wear it.

“Excuse me,” I asked the nearest producer, “Can I have a few things added to Bella’s pod?”

***

I’d been anxious about my meeting with Edward ever since I turned Jacob down. Oh god, why did I admit that I loved Edward? What if he was coming here to tell me that Jacob told him what I said and he wasn't that into me? Then I’d have lost both of them.

But when I walked in the pod, it looked different. Bouquets of roses flooded the room. A chocolate cupcake with vanilla frosting–my favorite dessert–was on the stylish coffee table, right next to a small box. My heart leapt into my throat. God, this man really was perfect.

“Bella?” his voice melted any doubts I may have had about him.

“Edward, this is lovely,” I was so overwhelmed, it was hard to speak.

“I’m glad you like it,” I could almost hear the smile in his voice, “I have something very important to tell you.

“Bella, I know that we’ve only known each other for a few days, and that we’ve never even seen each other, but I have never been more confident in anything as I am in my love for you. You are one of the smartest people, and by far the kindest person I have ever met. I love the way you talk about your family. I love that you are writing your thesis on Jane Austen. And I love the sound of your laugh.

“There is still a lot that we don’t know about each other, but I am so excited about the idea of spending the rest of my life learning everything I can about you. Bella, will you marry me?”

“Yes,” I sobbed. I couldn't stop crying. This was the happiest I’d ever felt. I felt complete, like a part of my chest that had always been empty was suddenly full.

“Can you open the box on the table then?”

“Edward, it’s beautiful.” The ring wasn’t traditional. The band was a delicate gold, weaving around the stone. The center of the ring was a long oval, with slanted rows of round diamonds.
“It was my mother’s ring. It’s been in my family for a very long time.”

“It’s perfect. I wish we were in the same room right now.”

“I can’t wait to see you Bella. I promise that once they let me be by your side, I’ll never leave.” I planned to hold him to that promise. I was never letting Edward go.

I’d have to thank Renee for convincing me to come on this wonderful show.

Chapter Text

This was it. I was about to see Bella for the first time. To hold her. Maybe even kiss her. I reminded myself to act human. It would take every ounce of willpower not to run full speed to her and hold her tight. But the first part would scare her, and the second part could kill her, so I’d have to control myself. Being around humans so often for the past few days had dulled my reaction to their scent, so at least that wouldn't be a problem.

I stood by the door in my best suit, waiting for the big reveal. I couldn’t care less what she looked like, there was nothing that could make me love her any less. My soul was irreparable tied to hers. There was no going back for me.

A spotlight lit up behind me. I could almost make out her silhouette through my translucent door. Then the doors opened and I saw her: my Bella. She was almost as pale as me with dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. Her face was lit up with a smile–she looked almost as happy as I was.

But as I started to move towards her, a fan blew behind her and her scent hit me like a ton of bricks. It was the most delicious thing I’d ever smelled. I automatically recoiled, fighting my instinct to lunge at her, attempting to ignore the venom pooling in my mouth.

No. This couldn’t be happening. Emmett had told me about the few times he’d run across a human who smelled particularly good. I’d felt that pull in his memory, but it was nothing compared to this. I had never wanted to drink anyone this much.

But it was Bella. The woman I loved. Even if there weren’t currently ten cameras filming my every move, I knew that I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her. I had to control the monster in me, at least for the next few minutes. Then I’d figure out what to do. Jesus, I wish I was allowed to have my phone–I could really use Carlisle right now.

I managed to compose myself and continued walking toward Bella. I couldn’t just leave her there–I at least had to try to be a civilized person.

“Edward, are you ok?” Crap, I didn’t compose myself fast enough.

“I’m perfect. I was just taken aback by your beauty” I put every ounce of charisma into the cheesy line and prayed that she would buy it.

“That’s sweet,” she said, but her smile had faltered–it no longer reached her eyes. I was blowing it. I might be making her change her mind. But wouldn't that be a good thing? How could I stay with her now? Was I really selfish enough to risk her life like this?

When we finally met in the middle of the room, she came in for a hug. I held my breath and hugged her back, hoping that I stood near the heater backstage long enough to make my skin feel a little warmer. Her touch sent an electrical charge through my body. It was the most alive I’d felt in decades. I wanted to hold on forever, but didn’t trust myself to stay in control of the monster.. 

Pulling away was uncomfortable. There were a thousand things I wanted to tell her, to explain to her, but I couldn't speak freely with the cameras rolling. Dammit, what made me think any of this was a good idea? Alice told me there was only a 1% chance of this ending well, but I hadn’t listened.

We tried to talk about being excited to go to Mexico. I casually mentioned my sun allergy, hoping that her pale complexion meant she didn’t love the beach. But her smile just kept retreating. By the end of our first in person conversation, she looked more like someone who had just taken a math test than someone who had just met their true love.

Not that I was helping. My sentences were short and choppy. I was trying to breathe as little as possible. If it weren’t for the cameras, if I hadn’t known that one wrong move would expose me–and possibly my family–to the world, I don’t know that my love would have been enough to stop me from killing her.

I basically ran out of the room when the producers said our time was up. I had to get her scent out of my head. This experience had taught me that love was truly blind. But unfortunately, its sense of smell was fully intact.

***

What the hell just happened? One moment, I’m the happiest I've ever been, staring at the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. He’s somehow ever paler than me with liquid gold eyes and reddish-bronze hair. I would have loved Edward no matter what he looked like but my god . In my wildest dreams, I couldn't have imagined a more perfect man. He was clearly younger than me, but that was ok–no relationship was perfect, and our conversations made it clear that he was an old soul.

And he was smiling at me, like I was as beautiful as him. He was smiling like he loved me.

 Until he wasn’t.

In the blink of an eye, everything changed. His eyes hardened into a solid gold. His face flickered between rage and sadness. He looked at me like he hated me. 

We were supposed to be holding each other for the first time, sharing our first kiss, and starting our lives together. The only part that almost felt right was when he hugged me. His skin was cold and smooth like marble–much colder than I expected. And when he touched me, every nerve in my body was hyper aware of him. It felt so right. But he could barely talk to me. He could barely look at me.

Looking at myself in the mirror, it wasn’t hard to understand why. I’d always known I was plain looking. Not ugly, but not particularly beautiful. The second I saw him, I should have known that I would be a disappointment. 

This show may be called love is blind, but most of the contestants look like they were born to be on TV. Most of the girls were drop dead gorgeous, and on past seasons, at LEAST half the men had six packs. Edward was probably expecting a model and instead he got me. He may have said I was beautiful, but the look on his face made it clear he didn’t mean it.

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. All this time, I thought he loved me for who I was–I didn’t even stop to think about if I would be pretty enough for him. I assumed it wouldn’t matter. But it looked like he was in pain the entire time we talked. Sometimes, it almost seemed like he wanted to hurt me. The hair on the back of my neck stood up when he looked at me like that. He felt…dangerous. This was not the same Edward I talked to in the pods. Something was clearly wrong.

Yet he was my fiancé now. He was the man I fell in love with. The logical part of my brain told me to cut my losses and walk away–to skip the trip to Mexico. Not like it would be much fun with a man who was ALLERGIC TO THE SUN (no wonder he’s so pale!). But the dumb, love-sick part of me was stronger. I knew I’d stick it out. Almost every second we spent together would be filmed, so there is only so much that could go wrong…right?

***

I’d existed for decades without a phone, but I would do ANYTHING to get my hands on one now. I needed to talk to Carlisle, or at least Google “how to tell your fiancée you really want to eat her.” I should leave. I should break up with Bella and go home. In fact, I should leave the state–the farther Bella was from me, the safer she’d be. 

And yet, I couldn't let her go. It had only been a week, and I was already in too deep. I already couldn’t imagine my life without her. I’d have to find a way to fight this thirst. The monster may be strong, but I had to believe my love for Bella was stronger. 

My first test would be the plane ride to Mexico. Hours strapped in next to her. I was simultaneously thrilled and horrified by the prospect. How could this woman who was so wrong for me also be so right? 

I’d have to tell her everything of course. If it weren’t for how I acted at our first meeting, I might have been able to put it off a bit longer. But I could only imagine what she thinks of me right now. I had to at least try to explain myself, even if it would scare her away.

Why did I do this? What made me think it was ok to make a human fall in love with me, not knowing what I was? I should never have even WATCHED this show! I knew taking Roseline’s TV recommendations was a bad idea.

The next few days were agonizing. The other contestants still had three days to propose. Since Bella and I were now engaged, we could no longer talk in the pods. But they also wouldn’t let us be alone together to talk. God forbid we do anything off-camera. I drank more of my pre-packed blood than was strictly necessary.  I had to do everything in my power to control my thirst before seeing Bella again.

When we finally reunited, her scent hit me hard, but this time I was prepared for it. I focused on her instead of the smell. On the flecks of dark brown in her eyes. On the beautiful light pink shade of her lips. On the hesitancy in her smile–hesitancy caused by my horrendous behavior at our first meeting.

“Hello Bella,” I said, carefully slipping my hand into hers. Her skin was so warm. I’d never been so aware of my hand. I’d never known my hand could feel this wonderful. “I’ve missed you these past few days.”

“You have?” I tried not to wince at the shock in her tone. God, I hope I haven't screwed this up too badly.

“I’m sorry that I wasn't my best the other day. Seeing you was more…intense than I thought it would be.” That was the understatement of the century, but it was the best I could do in this crowded parking lot.

“It’s fine. I know that I’m probably not what you expected.” Her smile had become sad, and there was longing in her eyes as she looked at me. 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Edward, it’s ok. I mean, look at you,” she gestured towards me, as if her point was obvious, “you’re a gorgeous 20 year old. You’re literally the best looking person I’d ever seen,” I was still distressed that she seemed upset, but hearing her call me good looking felt amazing. “And me? I'm just…average at best. I saw how your face fell. I know you were disappointed.”

“Bella,” I would give anything to tell her the whole truth right now, but I would need a lot more privacy than this, “everything about you is perfect. You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. I promise that seeing you has only made me love you more. Meeting physically just forced me to acknowledge some complicated realties.”

“Edward, you don’t have to lie to me.”

“I would never–” telling her I’d never lie to her, when I have been lying by omission and about a sun allergy, would be another lie, “I swear that I’m not lying. I would explain everything, but I’d rather not have every fact about me be Google-able,” I said, gesturing to the nearby cameraperson.” When we get to Mexico, I will find a way to get us real privacy and will explain everything,” I carefully brought her hand to my lips and gently kissed it. It took every ounce of willpower not to bite it. Feeling her pulse that close to my lips…this was not going to be easy.

Chapter Text

The Mexican resort was just as beautiful as it looked on the show. The water was turquoise blue, the beaches were perfectly white, and the rooms were so damn comfortable. But I’d be lying if I said this trip was how I imagined it would be. The plane ride was an unexpectedly surreal experience. Sitting next to Edward for hours was electric. He held my hand almost the entire time. I was getting used to how cold he was–he really needs to see a doctor, he has to have some kind of circulation problem. I tried to talk to him more on the plane, to continue our conversation from the parking lot, but he gave short replies, and made it clear that we wouldn’t be discussing anything important until we landed.

I had never been so scared in my life. What could he need to tell me? Did meeting me make him realize that he was gay? Were we long lost cousins? No that couldn’t be it–there was no way anyone as gorgeous as Edward could be even distantly related to me.

I knew what he probably was going to say–that he just wasn't attracted to me. That I was older and plainer than he imagined. That love wasn’t as blind as he hoped it would be. I could already feel a hole forming in my chest. How was that even possible? How could a man I’d known for less than a week matter this much to me? It may seem insane–in fact, I was certain it was insane–but I knew that if he left me, part of me would go with him.

I also knew there was nothing he could say that would drive me away. Maybe he was terminally ill or his family was involved with the mafia. Things that would be a deal breaker with anyone else would mean nothing to me now. I was going to marry Edward Cullen if he’d have me.

We landed in Mexico just as the sun was setting–the producers thought it would be easiest this way, given Edward’s unusual allergy. After unpacking in our luxurious rooms, I finally worked up the courage to try talking to Edward again. I needed answers.

“So, we’re finally here,” I tried my best to seem excited, but I couldn’t hide my nerves.

“That we are,” he seemed just as nervous as I was. I couldn't tell if that was a good sign or a terrible one, “do you want to go for a walk on the beach? Maybe we could get a little privacy,” he said, staring directly at one of the cameras mounted in our living room. Being on a reality show was exactly as invasive as it sounds.

“That would be nice,” I was ready to take a step away from the spotlight. I was ready to be truly alone with him and find out how he really felt.

We walked for twenty minutes in silence. He held my hand, drawing small circles on the back of it. The gesture calmed me down a little–why would he hold my hand if he was repulsed by me?

When the hotel was no longer in view, he intensely focused for a moment.

“Ok, I think that we’re actually alone,” he looked more tense than ever, and maybe a little…hungry?

“What do you need to tell me? "I said, dropping his hand and turning to face him. I needed to know. If anything could happen between us, I needed to knock down whatever wall he erected when  we left the pods.

“I don’t know where to start,” he started talking more quickly, “so, I’m not like other guys,” he bitterly laughed. It wasn’t his normal laugh that melted my panties. This one was hollow and remorseful. “You’ve probably noticed that my skin is very cold, right?”

I nodded and felt my heart freeze. Maybe he was sick.

“There are other things you haven't had a chance to notice,” in a flash, he was 30 yards away from me. In the next instant, he was back by my side. “I’m impossibly fast,” he was now next to a large boulder. He picked it up like it was a pebble and hurled it into the sea, “and strong.”

I couldn’t process what I was seeing. I didn’t understand what was happening. But my heart started to unfreeze. No dying man was that strong.

“And though I can’t be in the sun publicly, I’m not technically allergic to it. But we can get more into that later,” he seemed to be close to telling me what the fuck this all meant. As he neared his conclusion, the fear in his eyes grew more pronounced.

“I also drink blood. Bella, I’m” he was losing his nerve, he couldn't get himself to say it. God, he looked so scared.

“A vampire,” I finished. I put my arms around his neck and stared into his eyes, trying to determine if this revelation had changed anything. Given I was just told that I was engaged to a literal Hollywood monster, and was primarily concerned with how scared he seemed, I concluded that this didn’t change anything for me. Jesus Christ, how did I get in so deep so fast?

“Yes,” he wouldn’t meet my gaze.

Now that I knew that his primary source of tension wasn’t that the sight of me repulsed him, I was feeling bolder. I grabbed his perfectly chiseled chin and tilted his head, trying to make him look me in the eye. I’m almost certain that he was strong enough to resist, but he didn’t.

“I do have one important question. Do you drink human blood?”

“No. I wasn’t lying when I told you my family liked hunting. We just do it a bit differently.”

“Ok,” I ate meat, so it would be hypocritical to be mad at him for drinking animal blood, “is that it?”

He looked at me incredulously. “Are you serious? I told you that I’m a vampire. What could I have told you that would have been worse?”

I loved Edward, but I wasn’t ready to tell him that it would have been harder to accept that he didn’t think I was pretty than that he was a vampire. “Well, that doesn’t explain what happened when we saw each other for the first time.” The look in his eye still haunted me.

“That was related,” he was back to talking fast and looking terrified, “you see, most vampires drink human blood. I think it’s what my kind was meant to drink. But my family and I have chosen to fight our instincts because we value human life,” he looked me dead in the eye, and was clearly trying to drive this point home, “but it can be hard to resist. To a vampire, humans are like fresh baked cookies walking around. We can resist trying them, but it’s not always easy.

“But you Bella, you smell especially good to me,” he looked away from me. “In fact, food isn’t a strong enough analogy. It’s like I’m a drug addict and most humans are cocaine. Tempting, but possible to resist. But you Bella? You’re like my personal brand of heroin.”

Another thing I was not expecting on this trip: for my fiancé to tell me he wants to eat me. I may have hoped he’d want to eat me out, but I did not see this coming.

Then it hit me. Shit, this man–who I have talked to for less than a week and been with physically for under 24 hours–a) thinks that I would taste amazing and b) wanted to be alone, and away from any cameras when he told me. I get why he may not want the world to know he was a vampire, but…

I dropped my hands from around his neck and took a small step back. “Is that why you wanted to be alone tonight?” Fuck. I knew this was too good to be true. This man was probably about to murder me. And a stupid part of me still loved the fucker.

“No, of course not!” His eyes became intense, “Bella, I meant every word I said to you before. I’m deeply in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you’ll still have me.

“But I can’t guarantee your safety. This is all so new. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you, but if you got a papercut, I don’t know if I’d be able to control myself,” his face was a mask of guilt. “I completely understand if this changes things. I knew it was a bad idea to go on this show, but I was just so lonely.” It felt like he was asking me to forgive him for being here and for loving me. 

The logical part of my brain knew that I should break things off here and now. That I should tell him to get out and enjoy the rest of this free trip to Mexico by myself. But I couldn’t. It may be stupid, it may be entirely irrational, but as I met Edward’s gaze, as I looked into his eyes, I knew that he would never hurt me. I was confident that the man I talked to in the pods would do anything to keep me safe. For better or worse, I was in this for the long haul.

I grabbed his hands. “That’s all I need to know. I believe that you love me and that you don’t want to hurt me. We have the rest of our lives to figure out how to make this work.”

“Are you sure?” He sounded cautious, but a crooked smile was starting to form.

“Positive,” I said as I pulled in for a hug.

He did me one better and gently brought his lips to mine. It was small and soft. When he started to pull away, I leaned in for more. This kiss was deeper. My lips parted and I felt his tongue on mine. I grabbed his hair, ready to take this kiss to the next level, when he pulled away.

“I think we should take things slow physically. I don’t want to push my self-control.” He looked hungry for more than my blood.

“Okay, whatever you want. I’ll follow your lead.” It felt oddly empowering to want more than my partner–to have to hold back my desire and let someone else take the lead for once. “We can still share a bed though, right?”

“Bella Swan, nothing could keep me from watching you sleep.” I must really love him, because a line that should have been creepy as hell melted my heart.

“And so the shark fell in love with the fish,” he murmured, staring into the dark ocean.

“What a stupid fish,” I retorted.

“What a sick, masochistic shark.”

***

I never imagined that I could be this happy. The past few days with Bella were the best of my life. Fighting my thirst was becoming easier everyday. It was as strong as ever, but I’d gotten used to it. It was easy to ignore when there was so much about Bella that distracted me.

It was truly a miracle that she hadn’t run away screaming that night on the beach. After her one–extremely warranted–moment of fear, she seemed oddly ok with the whole vampire thing. She even adjusted her sleep schedule so that we could enjoy the beach together at night. She was dying to know what happened when I went into the sun. I promised that I would show her once we were back home. I could NOT risk getting that on film.

Everything between us felt so natural, despite the cameras that were constantly in our faces. We were careful to avoid the vampire topic unless we were far from the hotel and truly alone. When we were on camera, I almost felt human–I liked playing the part of the normal, doting finance. When asked about the biggest challenge we would face, we both mentioned the age gap. It felt close enough to the truth–I was more than 50 years her senior. 

I expected to be bored when she slept, but holding Bella and watching her sleep was enthralling. She sometimes talked in her sleep. I fell more deeply in love with her every time she whispered my name. My heart grew whenever it was followed by “I love you.” 

But our bubble had to be popped eventually. On the third night, all the couples were expected to meet up at the hotel bar. I was not looking forward to wasting time on this trip by talking to the other contestants. This week was our time to be together without the judgment that I knew would come when we got back home. I had a feeling my family would not be thrilled. I just hoped Alice would warn them.

But being on a reality show comes with certain obligations, so we went. I hadn’t formed a particularly close relationship with any of the other contestants, but I tried to seem interested when Ricky told me about his fights with Martha.

Bella was with the other girls, but seemed to be looking for someone. Suddenly, her eyes focused on something: Jacob and Renesmee had finally arrived. Bella immediately ran to the young woman and gave her a hug. It was nice that Bella had taken Renesmee under her wing. At 19, she was the youngest contestant. I think that producers were hoping I’d hit it off with her, since I was claiming to be the closest to her in age. At 25, Jacob seemed a bit old for her, not that I could really judge.

“Bella, it’s so great to finally see you,” Jacob exclaimed, picking up Bella and spinning her around. I froze. It took every bit of willpower to not grab Bella out of his arms. I tried to reassure myself that she’d chosen me, but I couldn’t be sure that she’d made the right choice. Seeing her with Jacob–with a human who could be with her in the sun–made me remember all the things I could never give her.

“It’s great to see you too Jake. Look at you, you’re huge!”

I tried to look casual as I approached. “Jacob, good to see you again! And you must be Renesmee.” Jacob’s smile tightened a bit and his thoughts grew annoyed–good, I didn’t want him to get too comfortable. Renesmee stared at me, her brown eyes growing large with shock.

“WOW, Edward, you look…so good,” Renesmee said, her face growing red, “I mean, not that I thought you were ugly, you’re just–”

“Unbelievably beautiful? I still can’t believe he’s real,” Bella interrupted, holding my hand and kissing me on the cheek. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to make me or Renesemee more comfortable. Either way, it worked. The younger woman’s thoughts stopped racing and I felt calmed holding her hand.

“ I bet if Renesmee had seen Edward, she would have chosen him over me too ,” Jacob thought. I tried to suppress a grin. Part of me felt for him, but a stronger, pettier part still resented that he got to be the first to propose to Bella.

After that, the men were told to stand around one table and talk, and the women at another. We were instructed to talk about our sex lives, and how the “physical” part of our relationships were going.

“Renesmee and I are getting along real well, if you know what I mean,” Jacob said with a wink. “I hope I’m not pressuring her into moving too  fast." He was worried about what the other men would say if he shared his fear. My pettiness started to fade as I picked up more of Jacob’s affection for Renesmee.

I tried to tune out people’s thoughts as much as I could. There were some images that I did not need to see lingering in people’s minds. I ended up focusing on Martha, a very nice woman with very bad taste in men who was paying more attention to Bella than her libido.

“How are things going with Edward Bella?” she asked. “ God, if Ricky looked like that, you wouldn't be able to drag me out of bed .”

“It’s been going pretty well,” Bella replied, as blood rushed to her face. “We’ve been taking it slow.”

Martha didn’t try to contain her surprise. “Really? You’re taking it slow with a man who looks like that? Who is also your finance? What on Earth could you be waiting for?”

“We’re just trying to get to know each other a little more,” Bella murmured, staring into her drink.

“Oh, I see. I guess Bella isn’t what a man like that is used to,” so much for thinking Martha was nice. I left the men’s table and walked up to Bella, casually kissing her head and wrapping my arm around her.

“How about we get out of here? I’m done sharing you tonight,” I acted like I was trying to whisper it just to her, but made sure Martha would be able to hear.

Bella looked grateful for the interruption. “Sounds good,” she said, before lightly kissing my cheek.

I realized that it was time to have the full talk. She knew part of why I wanted to take things slow physically, but not the full reason. When we got back to the hotel, I decided it was time to tell her. 

“Bella, are you ok with how things are going physically between us?” I nervously asked. 

“Mostly yes. I love kissing you and holding your hand. I want to respect your boundaries,” she gave me a pointed look, making it clear that she would phrase things differently if there weren’t a chance of being recorded, “but I’m also ready to take things to the next level. I love you and I want to know every part of you.” It took more willpower in that moment to not carry her into the bedroom than it had ever taken to resist her blood.

“I eventually want that too,” her face fell at the word eventually. If she was still insecure about my physical attraction to her, this could make it worse. “I just have never, um, done that before.” And there it was. I was admitting to the love of my life that I was a hundred year old virgin. “I know this is a little old fashioned, but I want to wait to do that until we’re actually married.”

“Oh,” if she was trying to keep the surprise off her face, she was failing miserably, “I didn’t know that. I can wait as long as you want.” She started to blush. “You know that I’m not a virgin, right? And that’s ok?”

“Of course that’s ok Bella! I want to wait until marriage, but I couldn't care less that you didn’t make that choice.” She looked relieved. “In fact, maybe you’ll be able to teach me a few things,” I said as I put my hands around her waist and pulled her close.

“I have no doubt that you’ll be a fast learner,” she whispered before closing the distance between our mouths.

***

Seeing Jacob and Renesmee together did something to me. I didn’t regret choosing Edward, but I couldn't help but feel jealous of what they had. Everything between them looked easy. Renesmee told me they were having sex every night. She gushed about how she couldn’t wait to introduce him to her family. She dreamed about the kids they’d have together. 

The true meaning of what Edward was started to hit. He wasn’t human. He didn’t age. He finally admitted that he was turned when he was seventeen. SEVENTEEN. I was almost ten years older than him physically. Even though Edward has been alive for over a hundred years, when I’m with him, I look like a bigger cradle robber than Jacob. And it will only get worse over time.

And what about meeting my family? He apparently couldn’t set foot in the sun, so we probably wouldn’t spend much time with Renee in Florida. And how could he have a relationship with them long term? They’d eventually notice that he didn’t age…

I honestly wasn’t sure if I would ever want kids, but I now had no idea if that was even an option. What the fuck would having a kid with a vampire even look like? It felt like doors were slamming all around me while for other couples–couples like Jacob and Renesmee–they were swinging open.

And on top of everything, he’s a virgin who wants to wait until marriage! I think everything else would be easier to handle if we were having sex. Even if everything else would be hard, I wanted the physical part of our relationship to be easy. Kissing and cuddling was nice, but I’m a grown woman and I have certain needs, especially when I’m around a man as attractive as Edward. I knew that I had to respect his wishes and move at his pace, but at this point I really regretted not packing my vibrator.

“Bella, are you okay? You seem tense.” Even though he assured me he couldn’t, it really felt like Edward could read my mind sometimes.

“I’m just freaking out a little. Do you think we could go for a walk?” I flashed him a meaningful look. I wanted to REALLY talk to him about all of this, not use weird euphemisms and hope we’re on the same page.

“Of course,” he said. “There’s actually somewhere I’ve been wanting to explore.”

We walked in silence until we were far from the hotel. Instead of heading towards the beach, Edward was leading me to the dense jungle behind the resort.

“Before we talk, there’s something I want to show you. Climb on my back.”

Okay, this is not what I was expecting. I shot him a confused look, but climbed up when he bent down. This was the closest I would get to riding him until our wedding night. Relationships are all about compromise. 

I wrapped my legs around his torso and my arms around his neck. He was lean, but so damn muscular. I buried my face in his neck, soaking in the scent of him. The sun had gone down hours ago, but the night was hot and muggy. Being pressed against his cold skin cooled me down, while setting my nerves on fire. Feeling this electricity–this instinctual reaction I have to him–calmed me down. It reminded me that the challenges we’d face, the sacrifices that we would have to make, would be worth it if it meant we could be together.

“Hold on tight little spider monkey,” he whispered. I mean the fact that I can STILL be attracted to him after he says dumb shit like that has to mean this is real, right?

I was about to make fun of him for his cheesy line when he took off. Suddenly, we were racing through the forest at an impossibly fast speed. The trees and vines were a black-green blur. It was a miracle that we didn’t slam into anything. Though after seeing Edward yeet that boulder, I was pretty sure that would hurt the tree more than him. 

He stopped as suddenly as he started. I didn’t realize that I was hyperventilating until I felt him pry my hands off his neck. I released my legs, and would have fallen on my ass if he had human reflexes. Instead, he had an arm under mine, wrapped around my rib cage.

“Are you ok? I’m so sorry, I should have warned you,” he said quickly. I think he was scared that I was about to throw up. Which is fair, because I was also afraid of that.

“I’m fine, I’ve just never come that close to Kool-Aid manning through a tree.”

He looked offended, “I would never run through a tree by accident, and I would never purposely run through a tree with you on my back Bella.”

“Don’t be too sure. There is no possible way you could be fully in control at that speed.”

“A human can’t. But for me,” he shrugged, “it’s second nature.”

I rolled my eyes as I walked out of his arm. Which turned out to be a bad idea. I’d always been pretty clumsy, and I was currently in a jungle, at night, wearing sandals. So naturally, I immediately tripped over the nearest rock.

Edward’s reflexes saved me from total ruin. But he wasn’t quite fast enough to stop me from scraping the shit out of my foot.

“Shit, I shouldn’t have worn sandals,” I bent down, trying to assess the damage. It wasn’t too bad, there was just a little blood. Which normally, would not be a big deal, but right now…

“Edward, I think you should know that I’m–” I started. But when I looked up, he was gone.

“Edward?” I repeated. Fuck. I was alone. In the middle of the jungle. And had no idea how to get back to the hotel. I couldn’t even blame Edward for abandoning me. I’d rather he run away than kill me. I looked around and noticed that the trees thinned ahead. I went forward, cursing myself for wearing sandals (I’d assumed we were going to the beach) and walked straight into a clearing. I hadn’t noticed that we were going uphill, but Edward had run us up the mountain.

The view of the ocean was stunning. The moon reflected on the waves. The trees cut stark figures against the moonlit sky. If I hadn’t cut my foot like an idiot, I would have been able to share the view with Edward. But instead, I was stranded and alone.

I never thought that relationships were supposed to be easy. But I also didn’t think love would be this hard.

***

I was at least a mile away when I finally allowed myself to breathe again. I took long, deep breaths until the scent of her blood was out of my system. For a second, I felt proud of my restraint. I had been inches from her blood and still not let the monster win. I had done what was necessary to protect Bella.

But then I realized that I was protecting Bella from myself . And that I’d left her alone. On the top of a mountain. In flip flops. This whole thing was supposed to be romantic. I knew that she wanted to have a serious discussion, but I wanted her to be in a good mood for that conversation. I wanted to talk about our future with a full view of the moon and the beach. I wanted her to experience the speed that made me nearly feel alive. But we don’t always get what we want.

I felt more in control of myself now. Now that I knew she might be bleeding, I was mentally prepared for it. Now that I’d cleared my head, I could keep the monster at bay. But part of me was humiliated and wanted to put off going back for as long as possible. I knew I had to get back to her quickly. I had to explain myself, and make sure she knew that she had not been abandoned in the middle of the jungle. Yet I still moved slower than I had to. Hell, if it weren’t for the cameras, I probably would have run back to the hotel to get her a first aid kit and walking shoes.

When I finally found her, she took my breath away. She was in the middle of the clearing, staring out into the ocean. Her pale body perfectly contrasted with the dark sky. The moonlight made her skin glow. 

I could smell the dried blood on her foot. I almost turned around again, but I steeled myself. If this was going to work, I couldn’t run away every time she bled.

“Hi Bella.” I announced myself before I had a chance to chicken out.

She spun around in shock–I should have tried to make more noise to avoid scaring her.

“Hi,” she whispered. I would give anything to be able to read her mind right now. It would be so much easier to know what to say. 

“Bella, I’m so sorry. What I did was inexcusable. You were hurt and instead of trying to help, I abandoned you. But when you cut yourself, I smelled your blood, and if I didn’t run,” I paused, trying to figure out how to say the next part in a way that wouldn’t scare her off forever, “I wasn’t sure if I would be able to control myself.”

“I think I understand, I just,” pain filled her perfect brown eyes, “I don’t know how we can make this work, Edward.” I knew she was too good for me. I knew that she would realize that the cost of being with me was too high. 

“I don’t know either Bella. I’m so sorry for getting you into any of this. I’ll tell the producers we had a fight and be on the next plane out. You should stay and enjoy the–”

“Edward,” she interrupted me and held both my hands in hers, “I don’t know how to make this work, so we need to figure it out. I know it’s only been a week, and I know this situation is insane, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I have a lot of questions, and there are some huge issues we need to work out, but I’m not done trying yet.”

“Bella, are you sure? If you’re trying to spare my feelings…”

“This is what I want, Edward. I want to be with you. But if we don’t talk about what our future could actually look like, I might go crazy.”

So we talked. She told me about the jealousy she felt watching Jacob and Renesmee. She told me that waiting to have sex, and the fact that I was a virgin was weighing on her. She explained that she felt like she wasn't pretty enough for me. I tried to be sympathetic and explained my feelings on sex and marriage, and she seemed to understand me too. We found a compromise that could work–more physical intimacy over all, but still waiting longer to have sex. I also promised to tell her how beautiful she is to me more often–which would be easy because GOD this woman is gorgeous.

The conversation around kids was more challenging. I told her that I wasn’t able to have kids–or that I had at least never heard of a vampire having a biological child. I also mentioned that adoption would be difficult given that I could barely pass for 20. She seemed ok with that.

I also explained how often my family had to move around to be able to live the way we do. I thought this would be hard for her, but she genuinely seemed excited.

“I love to travel. I want to see a lot more of the world than I have. And honestly as long as I’m with you, I don’t care where we live.” It was reassuring to know that I wouldn’t have to choose between Bella and my family.

“I do have one more question,” Bella had seemed relatively calm during most of the conversation, but she was suddenly tense, “what happens when I get old? When I look like your grandmother?”

“It won’t matter to me Bella. Nothing could change the way I feel about you. Of course, if your feelings changed, I’d understand.” I answered honestly, but avoided the hidden question. I was hoping to put that conversation off a bit longer.

“But what if I didn’t, um, have to age? Wouldn't that make things easier?” It was a fair question to ask, but it was not one I wanted to answer.

“I could never do that to you Bella. I could never take away your humanity just to make things easier for me.”

“But what if I decide that’s what I want? What if it makes things simpler for me too?”

“Bella I–”

“Look, I’m not looking to make any decisions tonight,” she explained. “I’d clearly need to learn a lot more and think it all the way through.”

“There’s nothing to think about, Bella. You’re staying human.”

She was suddenly furious, “So that’s it, you get to make this decision for me?” Then, as quick as it came, her rage melted and was replaced by sadness. “Oh, I get it. You’re not sure how long you’ll want me around. Death at least means you’re not stuck with me forever.” She dropped my hands and looked down.

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I would not risk her soul, but I also couldn’t stand the thought of her death. And the fact that she thought I was somehow counting on it was unbearable.

“Isabella Swan,” I firmly grabbed her chin, forcing her to look me in the eye, “there is nothing, NOTHING that I want more than to spend an eternity with you. If I could make myself human, make it so we could live out our natural lives together, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t.”

“But I can become like you.”

“I’m a monster Bella. When Carlisle changed me, he may have saved my life, but I honestly believe that he destroyed my soul. I can’t do that to you Bella–I can’t ask you to risk your soul.”

Bella looked like she was trying not to laugh. “Wait, so your only hesitation is my soul?”

“Yes Bella, my one small reservation is your immortal soul.” She burst out laughing. “Bella, this is serious.”

“I’m sorry Edward, I just don’t believe in that stuff. I wasn’t raised with faith and the few I’ve tried out haven't stuck. I get that this is serious to you, but for me it’s just…not.”

I was speechless. I knew that beliefs varied, but I had never been confronted so blatantly with beliefs so different from my own..

“And either way,” she continued, “shouldn't I be in charge of any decisions regarding my soul? I’m not saying that I want to be a vampire–I still need to think about it–but I don’t think it’s your decision to make for me.”

I hated to admit it, but she did have a point. I couldn’t be sure if this was the selfish part of me accepting what I wanted to hear, or if being a good partner meant giving her all the information, telling her the risks that I believed came with this choice, and letting her decide what was best for her.

“You make a compelling argument,” I conceded, “but you’re right, we don’t have to figure this out right now. There is still a lot you need to learn about how I live before you can make an educated choice.”

“How about this,” she proposed, “I’ll keep learning what being a vampire actually means, and you learn to accept that you can’t control this decision either way. Then we’ll circle back after the wedding. Deal?”

Not talking about this for four weeks sounded wonderful. It gave me plenty of time to convince her to stay human.

“Deal,” I said, and sealed it with a kiss. 

***

The last few days in Mexico were a blur of night walks along the beach, sexless make out sessions in the hotel room, and interviews about how our relationship was going. Despite my clumsy nature, I managed not to bleed again, an accomplishment I never thought I’d feel so proud of.

When we were alone, Edward told me more about what it was like being a vampire. He explained how intense the thirst could be, especially at the beginning. He told me that his eyes changed color based on how thirsty he was. I had only seen them golden so far–he didn’t want to take any chances and was liberally drinking the blood he had packed. He even managed to get more from the restaurant downstairs. 

But I still didn’t know why he couldn’t be in the sun. I had to admit, I was bummed that I hadn’t been able to enjoy the beautiful days with him–we’d been pretty much nocturnal since we got here. He told me that he COULD go in the sun, but that it was a bad idea in public. I have no idea what to expect, but he promised that he’d find a secluded place to demonstrate next time it was sunny back home. 

The promise of this knowledge was the only reason I was excited to be going home. The honeymoon was officially over and we now had to figure out how to actually make this work. I had to tell my parents I was engaged to a man I barely knew. A man who barely passed for 20, but was actually 110. Ok, so they’d only know about the fast engagement and the fact that I looked like a cougar, but still.

Going home also meant meeting Edward’s family. The way he talked about them made it clear he adored them, but I couldn’t help but feel anxious about the prospect of being in a room full of vampires. He’d also hinted that they may not be happy that he’d gone on this show. His sister Rosalie would be especially mad that he’d put them in the spotlight. He explained that because he and his family don’t age, they have to move around a lot to avoid suspicion. Having people recognize them from TV would make it harder to be inconspicuous.

“Why did you come on this show then? Why choose to fall in love with a human AND make your name and face public information?” I whispered on the plane. This had been eating at me for weeks. I barely understood why I’d come on this dumb show–I had no idea what compelled him to take such a big risk.

“I was lonely,” he seemed embarrassed and could barely look me in the eyes, “I know this show is silly, but it’s also kind of incredible. People find life partners in days and commit to them within weeks. I guess after 100 years of trying to find the right person, I wanted to see if it could happen that fast for me. For all I knew, there would be another vampire on the other side of that wall,” he laughed, “but there was something even better–you.”

I squeezed his hand in mine. “This show is ridiculous, but I guess it works.” I said, kissing his hand. “I just hope I end up being worth the risk.

“Bella, you are worth every risk,” he said, kissing me on the head.

Chapter Text

Finally, a chance for some privacy. Between the plane ride and the camera crews stalking us into our temporary new home, it felt like ages since we’d been alone. I hadn’t anticipated how stressful it would be to be on camera this much. Being watched so often was draining. I felt like I constantly had to perform. I should be used to it–whenever I’m around humans, I have to modify my behavior. I make sure I twitch enough, move slowly enough, and breathe deeply enough.

 But this was different. I wasn’t trying to blend in anymore. I was the center of attention. I’d spent almost a century trying to blend into the background as much as I could, and now I’ve shined a spotlight on myself. It felt unnatural. 

And getting so personal, sharing my feelings on camera was nearly impossible. I was almost afraid for Bella to watch this when it aired. I felt so stilted when I talked to the camera. Expressing how I felt about Bella to a stranger and a camera didn’t come naturally to me. I even felt awkward around Bella when I knew we were being filmed. It’s like I forget how to talk the second a camera is in my face. I felt grateful that the cameras in the pods had been hidden–I never could have won Bella like this!

I collapsed onto the couch when the final cameraman left and took my first real look at the apartment. It was…fine. Most people would even say it was wonderful. It was clearly a luxury space, meant to impress the viewers at home and make the contestants fantasize about what it would be like to be rich, possibly so they’d be more likely to sign up for future reunions. But it was too sterile for me. I was too used to Esme’s decorating. She was brilliant at combining elegance and comfort. 

“So,” Bella said, plopping on the couch next to me, “now that the cameras are gone, how do you really feel about being back in the real world?”

Once again, I wished that I could read Bella’s thoughts–I couldn't tell if she was teasing me about being awkward on camera, or if she was worried about something. “I’m happy to start our real lives together,” I said holding her hand, “but I will miss spending all day with you. I doubt I’ll be able to focus in class with you on my mind,”

She blushed. She looked adorable, but seeing her cheeks fill with blood made venom swell up in my mouth. I suppressed a sigh–will being around her ever get easier?

“How are you feeling? Excited about seeing your parents this afternoon?”

Bella hesitated. I knew she was worried about something. “Yes and no. Renee will be thrilled that her cockamamy scheme worked–she’s the one that talked me into coming on this show. But Charlie is a bit more…sensible than Renee. He’s flying out here to meet you, and staying for a few weeks so he can be here for the wedding, but I doubt that he’s happy I got engaged so quickly.”

“I promise that I will do everything I can to make your dad like me,” I said, kissing her hand. “Honestly, it seems natural for a parent to be concerned about marrying a man you’ve met so recently. Not everyone has–or can even understand–a connection like ours. But he’ll see that we’re good for each other over time.” God I hoped I’d be good for her over time…

“You’re probably right,” Bella responded with a weak smile. She was clearly still nervous. “We better start getting ready if we’re going to meet them in an hour.”

It was one of the shortest hours of my life. Bella was in a frenzy, deciding what outfit would be appropriate for lunch with her parents, but also being on TV. She  made it clear that she hated having to think about clothes this much,

“Wait, I think I might be able to help,” I said. I quickly called Alice.

“Edward! You have a phone again! Don’t worry, I won’t tell Rose yet–I’ll let you have a bit more peace.”

I cringed. I was not looking forward to the off-screen meeting I had to have with my family soon. “Good to talk to you too Alice,” I then switched her over to speaker. “My lovely fiancée Bella is having trouble picking an outfit. Could you let her know which one will look good on camera and not make her parents freak out?”

“Let me see,” Alice paused for a moment, going over the possibilities in her mind, “the dark green sweater with the black jeans. It will make her pop on camera, but not make Charlie think she’s trying too hard for you.”

“You’re the best Alice.”

“I know. I’ll see you tonight.”

“You will?”

“I will.” She then hung up. Talking to Alice was a lot less fun when I couldn't see her visions.

“Umm Edward, what was that about? How did she know what was in my wardrobe?” Bella said as she slipped into the sweater and jeans Alice suggested.

“Did I not mention that Alice can see the future?”

She froze for a second. “No. You did not mention that.” Shit. I would have called Alice privately if I’d remembered Bella didn’t know yet. Not the best way to ease her into the oddities of my world. 

“Oh…it’s kind of like how I can read minds. Some vampires just have extra abilities.”

“Well I definitely see how it can be helpful,” she already seemed to be over how weird it was that I had my sister look into the future to see what outfit was best. Thank god for Bella’s adaptability.

Her parents were already at the restaurant when we arrived. I could hear Renee’s thoughts before I could see her. She had the loudest, most demanding mind I’d ever encountered. No wonder Bella found her so persuasive. 

I hope he’s right for her. This whole thing was my idea. If he breaks her heart, it’s my fault.

I could work with this kind of nervousness. It means that she wants to like me. I just have to show her that she can trust me with her daughter’s heart.

Charlie was harder to get a read on. His thoughts were muddled. With most people, I can hear clear words, see clear pictures. But with Charlie, I could only get feelings. He was anxious, incredulous, and a little bit mad. I got the feeling that he would have stopped Bella from going on this show if he’d had the chance.

We stopped before sitting down at the table. The film crew outside had briefed us that it would look best if Bella introduced me while we were standing up and her parents were sitting–they seemed to think it would give the shot more depth? As happy as I was to have found Bella, I do wish it had been under different circumstances. Going through important moments like meeting her parents on camera felt so unnatural. It felt like a violation of our privacy to allow so many people to see this part of our lives. 

“Mom, Cha–Dad, this is my fiancé Edward,” Bella said. 

HOLY FUCK, HE IS THE MOST GORGOUS MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN! A little young, but nobody’s perfect .

Charlie’s thoughts became angrier hearing Bella say the word fiancé. Well, starting with one out of two on my side isn’t bad.

“It’s great to meet you both. Bella has told me wonderful things about both of you,” I shook both of their hands (I’d held Bella’s hand on the way over to warm it up a bit) and put on my most charming smile. Bella’s parents were important to her, so they were important to me.

“Bella,” Charlie started before we’d even fully sat down, “please explain to me one more time why you think it’s a good idea to marry a man you barely know in three weeks?”

GODDAMMIT Charlie is going to scare him off before we even get to know him! I knew I should have brought Phil–Charlie behaves better around Phil .

“Dad, please,” I expected Bella to look embarrassed, but she seemed angry. “I know this is unconventional. I know that you think I’m an idiot. But could you at least TRY to get to know Edward before assuming that I’m making a horrible mistake?”

Shame flooded Charlie. "I'm sorry Bella, this is just…not how I expected things to go.”

Bella’s gaze softened. “I understand your concern Dad, I really do. When I went on the show, I really didn’t think this would happen. But Edward just felt…right.”

Renee’s internal squeal was so loud I almost flinched. “On that note, why don’t you tell us a little more about yourself Edward?” Renee chimed in.

I told them about my studies and my family. Renee told stories about when Bella was a kid. I forced down some salad (it was NOT going to be fun throwing that up tonight). Charlie mostly stayed quiet, but his anger and anxiety started to fade. After a while, it was easy to forget the cameras were there. I was almost shocked when the crew asked to pull Renee and Charlie aside for interviews when we finished the meal.

Our own camera crew followed Bella and I as we went for a short walk in a nearby park.

“I think they liked you,” Bella said, wearing the forced smile she always used on camera.

“I hope you’re right, I really wanted to make a good impression on them,” I rubbed the back of my neck to sell my nervous act. Bella knew that I knew exactly what her parents thought of me. I’d give her the full run down once we were alone.

It went so well that I almost felt guilty. They had no idea what I was, or what that meant for their daughter. They thought I was a normal human who could give her a normal, human life. I hoped that the love I offered Bella would be enough to make up for what I couldn’t give her, but being in the real world and meeting her parents was making me doubt that I could ever be enough for her. I tried to ignore these nagging thoughts and perform for the cameras.

After another 20 minutes of fake camera conversation, we were finally alone again.

“So what did they really think of you?” Bella asked.

“Renee really likes me. And this whole thing is starting to grow on Charlie. I think that he’ll be ok by the wedding day,” I said, gently kissing her on the head.

“Oh good,” Bella’s shoulders melted with relief. She seemed more relaxed than she had been since we arrived back in the real world. I knew that what I was going to suggest would spoil it, but I didn’t want to delay the inevitable. Seeing Bella and I together helped to ease Charlie’s doubts–maybe it would do the same for my family.

“Do you have any plans tonight?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

“Nope, I’m all yours,” she replied with a wink. 

“How would you feel about meeting my family tonight? I think it would be best to do our real introductions off camera.”

***

“Tonight?!” My voice shot up three octaves. Oh shit. Am I ready to meet his family? Am I ready to be in a room full of vampires? I know how important Edward’s family is to him, and I want to make a good first impression. I thought I’d have more time to figure out how to do that.

“Bella, I promise they’ll love you. And I’d really like you to meet everyone off camera.” He wanted this to happen so badly. I couldn’t say no to that face.

I took a deep breath. “Okay. I can do this. Could you call Alice and check if this outfit still works?”

Before he could answer, his phone pinged. He laughed as soon as he opened the text.

“Alice says your current outfit is fine and she’s looking forward to meeting you.”

We got in Edward’s car and drove into the forest. The winding road took us deep into the valley, past the mansions and into dense trees. When I was about to ask if we were lost, Edward turned and the trees suddenly thinned. A gorgeous home came into view. It was clearly old, but perfectly preserved. The light brown paint almost made it blend in with the forest. Grand windows let light shine into the home. I couldn't believe Edward lived here.

Then it hit me. I’d never stopped to think about Edward's financial situation. I knew he wasn’t an average college student, and I knew his dad was a doctor, but this house must have cost a fortune.

“Edward, are you rich?” The words came out before I could stop to consider how to tactfully ask.

Edward laughed. “Well, when you’ve been around for about a century, and have a sister who can predict stock market trends, it’s pretty easy to get money.”

“I guess I never thought about vampires being rich. You probably also save a lot on food.” I said with a wink.

He smiled. “Our way is cheaper than Whole Foods.”

He pulled up next to the house. As soon as the car stopped, Edward was out and opening my door. 

“Are you ready?” He said, offering his hand.

“As I’ll ever be,” I mumbled as I grabbed onto his hand for dear life. As soon as we walked in the front door, I could sense something was off. A girl about Edward’s age was waiting for us in the foyer. She was pale like Edward and had eyes the color of honey. Her short black hair perfectly framed her pixie-like face. She smiled when she saw us, but was clearly tense.

“Bella! So great to finally meet you! You and I are going to be best friends,” she threw her arms around me, catching me in a cold embrace. 

“I take it you’re Alice,” she nodded, “Thanks for the outfit advice.”

“Always happy to help,” she was glowing. Fashion was not my thing, so it’s good to know that Alice likes dressing me up. One less thing to think about.

“Ok Alice, show me what to expect.”

“You know that’s not how it works. I’ve kept my mouth shut. There is no way I can possibly know how they’ll react because they NEVER could have expected you to do this.”

I slowly turned to look at Edward. “You didn’t tell them, did you?”

He looked rightfully embarrassed. “I thought it would be better if they met you first. I don’t think they’d be able to understand without seeing us together. Though I’d hoped Alice would warn them.”

“Sorry Edward. I think Bella is great, but I can’t explain why you’d risk exposing us to be on a reality show.”

“I don’t think I should be here for this,” I said, turning toward the door. A room full of vampires, I think I can handle. But a room full of angry vampires….

Before I could get anywhere near the door, a sound came from the living room. In an instant, five more people were in the room: a big blonde man who immediately went to Alice’s side, another slightly older blonde man, a brunette woman with a heart shaped face, and a truly giant man, with the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen on his arm. They were all pale and perfect. I now was positive that ALL vampires were hot–I’d chalk that up as a pro for becoming one. The brunette woman smiled at Edward, but clearly had no idea why he’d brought a human home.

“Edward, would you like to introduce us to your new friend?” She asked.

“Esme, this is my fiancée Bella. Bella, this is my mother Esme.”

“Pleased to meet you,” I said, holding my hand out. My cheeks were burning. I’d always blushed easily, but this was next level even for me. It turns out, ambushing your vampire fiancé's family is really fucking embarrassing.

Esme froze for a moment, then lit up with joy. She ignored my hand, and went straight in for a hug. “Bella, it’s so great to meet you! I’ve been hoping that Edward would find someone for a while now. Please come into the living room, I have so many questions.”

“I think we all have questions,” the gorgeous woman mumbled.

“Rosalie, I know this is a shock to almost all of us,” the older man said, looking pointedly at Alice, “but there’s no reason to be rude to our guest. Pleased to meet you Bella, I’m Edward’s father, Carlisle. This is Jasper,” he gestured to the man next to Alice, “Roseline and Emmett,” he pointed to the huge man and the hot, snarky woman.

I shook his hand as we walked toward the couch. His skin was as cold as Edward’s, but his eyes were warm. So far, this was going better than I expected. 

“Edward, tell me how you two met! Is this why you’ve been gone the past few weeks? What made you decide to get engaged so fast?” Esme asked excitedly. 

“So remember that show Rose was obsessed with last year? Love is Blind?” Everyone nodded, so he continued, “well, a few months ago I heard they’d be filming in Ithaca, and I thought it would be an interesting experience. Turns out I was right,” he said, taking his hand in mine.

Esme and Carlisle’s jaws literally dropped. Jasper was clenching his fists. Emmett laughed, but Rose stared daggers at us.

“So wait, you went on a reality television show?” Carlisle clarified.

“Yes,” Edward confirmed.

“You allowed yourself to be filmed? You’re putting your life on display? Did you at least use a fake name?” Carlisle was clearly trying his best to stay calm.

“I didn’t use a fake name–I needed to prove I had ties to the community, so I kind of had to use my established one.” Carlisle put his head in his hands.

“Edward, what the fuck were you thinking?” Rose scolded. “Do you know how much harder it will be to move now? You’ll be recognized! We can’t just enroll at another high school if everyone knows you as the guy from Love is Blind! I watched that show because it’s DUMB, not because I thought it would be a good way for you to meet someone!”

“I know it could be challenging. I’m happy to go abroad or somewhere remote while this plays out. I just had to try something. I’ve been alone too long. And now that I’ve met Bella, I can’t say I regret it.”

“Well you should!” Rose shouted, springing up from her seat. 

Edward was across the room before I realized he moved. He was in Rose’s face, glaring at her.

“How dare you! You have no idea what Bella means to me, what I’m willing to go through to make this work,” he started talking faster, and looked like he wanted to hit his sister.

“Please stop,” I was horrified, but incredibly grateful that  Edward thought to do this off camera. “Rosalie, I fully understand your concern, and frankly have no idea why Edward chose to take that risk. But he has–he can’t take that back at this point. I can’t control what will happen after the show airs, but I promise that I will do what I can to keep your secret safe.” 

Rose was undeterred. “You seem fine, but you can’t understand how massively Edward fucked up.”

“She’s more than fine,” Alice interjected, “Bella and I will be best friends,” she added with a smile. Edward’s eyebrows shot up.

“Alice, we will discuss THAT later,” he said, looking concerned, “but for now, I just need you all to know that I’m genuinely  sorry for making things harder for the family, but I am not sorry that I went on the show, because I will never be sorry that I met Bella,” he said, sitting next to me again and putting his arm around my shoulders.

There was a long moment of silence before Carlisle had the grace to end it. 

“So, when’s the wedding?”

“In about three weeks,” Edward sheepishly replied. “And it will be filmed.”

Carlisle frowned. “I don’t think the rest of us should be on this show. My job is too public facing, and your siblings may not want their lives to be disrupted by this. I’m sorry, but…”

“That’s ok, I understand,” Edward quickly responded. Some of his resolve seemed to fade–he hunched forward and sadness touched his eyes. “I honestly didn’t expect the experiment to actually work, so I may not have thought through all the details. Esme, would you be comfortable going? And maybe being on camera for one lunch?”

“Edward, I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I’m comfortable with that kind of attention. If I got linked back to your father…”

“That makes sense,” Edward said, as the sadness in his eyes became more intense. “Well, I came here to introduce you to Bella, and introductions have been made. We will have to catch up another time when we can get away from the cameras”

After we said our goodbyes and promised to come by again soon, we returned to the car. 

“Are you ok?” I asked, putting my hand on his arm.

“I’m fine, I just have a lot to process. I didn’t think that the cameras would keep them all away from the wedding…”

“We can always have a second ceremony for your family,” I said, hoping I sounded comforting.

“No, it’s ok. As long as I have you, I’m happy,” he said before kissing my cheek. I hoped that he was telling the truth. What if the very show that brought us together tore us apart?

Chapter Text

“My family is not supportive of my marriage. They think that this is all happening too quickly and too publicly. They don’t approve of reality shows, and are disappointed that I’m on one. So they won’t be on the show, or even at the wedding,” I said into the camera. “It’s hard to know that they don’t accept me participating in this experiment. I really hope they change their minds eventually, and embrace Bella. I’m sure they’ll love her as much as I do over time.” I added with a small smile. 

“How does it make you feel to know your family doesn't support you and Bella?”

I knew that my family wouldn’t take the news well. I knew that being on camera was a huge risk. But I couldn't stop feeling disappointed. It was hard to sit in front of this camera and admit that my parents and family didn't support my choices. They seemed to like Bella, but not enough to be at our wedding–not enough to risk being on camera. It was another reminder of what we were and what we had to sacrifice to live even relatively normal lives. The situation hurt more than I’d expected. 

“It’s hard to know we don’t have their blessing, but I’m trying not to focus on that. I’m so incredibly grateful that I met Bella and get to wake up everyday next to her, that not much can bring me down,” this was as honest as I was willing to be with Netflix’s audience. And it was mostly true–I was incredibly glad to know and be with Bella. But Alice’s vision left me spiraling. She saw Bella becoming a vampire, and she saw it as an almost inevitable outcome. I know I told Bella that we’d worry about it later, and it would ultimately be her choice, but dammit I could not force this life on anyone. I couldn’t do that to her. I would not risk her soul–whether or not she believed she had one. She didn’t know what she was getting into when I proposed, and by the time I told her everything, we were already in too deep.

When the camera crew finally left, I collapsed onto the couch. Bella was in class, but would be home soon. It was sunny today, so I had to stay home. My supposed allergy made it easy to convince the camera crew to do the interview with the curtains firmly drawn. I needed more time to figure things out, but Bella and I only had three weeks until the wedding. I wanted to marry her so badly; I’d never wanted anything more. But the guilt of what it meant for her was getting stronger every day.

“Edward?” Bella said as she entered the room. I was immediately overwhelmed by her scent. My mouth filled with venom–yet another sign of how wrong this all is. It is NOT normal to want to eat the person you love.

“Welcome home,” I said, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her on the head. It felt so good to hold her in my arms, to feel her skin burn against mine. How could a relationship that was so wrong feel this right?

“I thought we could go out today,” she quickly glanced around, and when she was sure there were no cameras continued, “I still haven't seen you in the sun…”

This was the perfect opportunity to set things right. I didn’t think I’d ever have the strength to leave her, but maybe if she saw me in the sun, she’d finally reach her limit. Maybe seeing how truly inhuman I was would set her back on the right course. 

“It’s probably better for you to see before the wedding,” I replied.

Her eyes narrowed and she lightly slapped my arm, “Stop pretending you can scare me off. It’s not going to happen,” she said as she headed back out the door. Could she read my mind? It felt more possible every day.

We didn’t talk much on the drive. We really hadn’t talked much since we met my family the night before. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to apologize for Rose’s outburst and my response. I didn’t know how to explain my disappointment without making her feel like she caused it. 

I took her to one of my favorite spots in Ithaca. There wasn’t a trail, which decreased the odds of running into anyone. Luckily, Bella was wearing sneakers this time, so we were able to hike without a repeat of the Mexico disaster. 

After 15 minutes of walking, Bella finally broke the silence. “I’m really sorry that your family can’t be at the wedding. That must be hard.”

“It is what it is,” I responded, attempting to sound calm and ok, “I knew it was a long shot that they’d be willing to be on the show.”

Bella stopped, grabbed my hand, and looked me straight in the eye, “Edward, if I’m going to be your partner, I need you to be honest with me. I heard how you talked about your family in the pods, and I saw your face when Esme said she wouldn’t be at the wedding. It’s ok to tell me that you’re not ok.”

“Thank you,” I needed to hear that. I had never really been open with anyone outside of my family. I didn’t realize that I needed permission to share my feelings until she gave it.

We talked about my family drama  for the rest of the walk. Opening up to her felt right. When she tried to apologize for causing the issue, I assured her that it was the situation I’d put myself in, not her, that they had a problem with. We also talked about her family, and how nervous she was about Charlie’s opinion. I shared what I’d picked out from their minds during our conversation. She seemed a little nervous about the idea of me reading her parent’s minds, but was reassured that they were more comfortable with what was happening than my family was. We’d at least have her parents at the wedding.

I almost forgot about my doubt when we talked. I almost felt human–felt like someone who was allowed to have this kind of relationship. Someone who could be good for Bella, maybe even right for her. Like I could be the man she fell in love with in the pods. But reality caught up with me when we got to the valley.

Bella gasped when she first saw it through the trees. The grass was lush and bright green from recent rains. Flowers were just starting to blossom. The surrounding trees allowed the sun to shine through, but created a safe circle around the open space. 

I hesitated in the shade of the trees. I knew I had to do this. She had to finally see me for what I was. Even though I knew she should leave me, I was terrified of what life would look like without her.

She grabbed my hand and smiled. I built up my strength and stepped through the trees. My skin immediately started to shimmer. My flesh refracted light like a diamond instead of absorbing it like a human. I looked at my hand in Bella’s and was struck by how wrong mine looked. Sparkling in the sun was not nearly as big a problem as bloodlust, but it was easier to see–Bella would ideally never actually see me drink blood, but she could see this.

“Edward, you’re…” her voice trailed off as she spoke. I guess my plan was working. I pulled my hand back and took a few steps forward.

“I’m a monster. I’m not human.” I responded, finally building the nerve to look Bella in the eye.

“No, you’re beautiful,” she said, reclaiming my hand. She twisted it around, looking at the different ways it reflected the light. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

I should have been relieved, but I was suddenly enraged. How could she be so blind to what I was? How could she still want me?

“Are you serious? This is the skin of a killer, Bella. When are you going to accept that I’m not good for you? When will you understand that I’m not worth the trouble?” I yelled.

“Edward, we’ve been over this,” she was clearly struggling to stay calm. “I don’t care that you’re a vampire. I don’t care that you drink blood. I don’t care that you sparkle. I fell in love with you before even seeing you, and nothing can ever change that.”

“Well it should! Bella, I can never be enough for you. I can’t give you kids, I can’t give you a normal life. Bella, you deserve more than what I can give you.”

“Who said I want those things Edward? I’ve never really thought about having a family, so I can live without kids. And who says I want a normal life? Traveling around the world with you would be a dream come true,” she looked so earnest. She really seemed to mean what she said. I wish I could accept it. I wish I could move past my fears. But I can’t.

“I can’t do this to you Bella. Alice saw you becoming a vampire, and I can’t let that happen Bella. I can’t sacrifice your soul!”

***

Not this soul shit again! Any sense of calm I had vanished.

“You know what Edward? Our biggest issue isn’t whether or not my ‘soul’ is safe,” the air quotes may have been a bit much, but I couldn’t help it, “our biggest problem is that you think you can control me. You think you get to decide what and who is best for me. Well guess what? I’m a grown ass woman and I do NOT need some eternally 17 year-old punk to tell me how to live my goddamn life.”

He took a step back, then froze. I should feel bad that I hurt him, but I was still pissed at him. 

“Bella, I’m sorry, but I can’t–”

“No, you can’t. You can’t decide if I want kids. You can’t decide if I want a normal life. And you can’t decide if I become a vampire. YOU get to decide what kind of life YOU want, but don’t you dare make those choices based on what you think I should want. Because I am not going to tolerate that kind of misogynistic bullshit! Ok?”

I waited for Edward to respond. He was deep in thought, his face alternating between guilt, acceptance, and joy. After a long moment, he finally responded. “Ok. You’re right Bella, I have no right to make big choices for you. But it’s hard for me not to feel like I tricked you into this, given how we met. I let you believe I was a normal person, and only revealed that I was a monster after you’d fallen for me. I feel like I took choices away from you, and I hate myself for that.”

My anger started to fade. I could handle guilt, but I would not tolerate being controlled. “Edward, you’ve given me every chance to walk away. I know that we were technically engaged when you told me you were a vampire, but we’d only known each other for a week, and only been together in person for like 12 hours. And yeah, I’ve had my doubts. The night you took me up the mountain in Mexico, I was spiraling. I wasn’t sure if this was what I wanted. But then we talked it through and I figured out that this IS what I want. I love you Edward, and I want to be with you exactly as you are–fangs and all,” I hugged him as I finished my speech. He didn’t hesitate to hug me back.

“I love you too Bella,” he said, kissing my hair, “I’ll stop trying to control your choices. I trust you to decide what is best for you. But I am going to be honest with you about my concerns, ok?”

“That sounds fair,” I said, kissing his chest. “I want to hear your opinion, I just need it to be an opinion, not a demand.”

“I can handle that,” he kissed me on the lips, officially ending our fight. 

We spent the next few hours laying together in the sun. I watched the light reflect off his body, mesmerized by how gorgeous he looked. We kept the conversation light after that, talking about our favorite movies, funny stories from our pasts, and planning small details for the wedding. I barely noticed that the sun was starting to set.

“Crap, we should have left sooner.  I don’t want to do that hike in the dark and we have that contestant meet up tonight,” I whined.

“You know, there is a faster way to get back to the car,” Edward looked at me knowingly.

“Fine, but if you hit a tree, I get to pick the song for our first dance, and it’s going to be embarrassing,” I threatened.

“I accept your terms,” he responded as he picked me up and placed me on his back. I tightly gripped his neck and tucked my legs around his waist. I didn't want to jinx things by staring at every tree we passed, so I buried my head in his shoulder. I could feel his muscles move beneath my body. The wind whipped my hair back. It had taken us hours to get to the valley, but five minutes later, he stopped and helped me down. 

“See? No damage done to any trees, so we will not be starting our marriage by dancing to Shakira,” he teased.

To spite him, I played Shakira as we drove to the contestant meet up. Edward protested at first, but by the end of “Hips Don’t Lie,” he was as into it as I was. We got to the bar way too soon.

“Do we have to go? The last few days have been so hard, I just want to keep car-dancing to Shakira with you.”

He sighed, “As great as that sounds, the producers will be pissed if we don’t show up, and they might make us do extra interviews to make up for it,” he said with a shudder. 

It was hilarious how much Edward hated doing interviews. He went from being a warm, charming man to a socially awkward robot whenever they asked personal questions. It seemed to be getting worse overtime–the more comfortable we became as a couple, the less comfortable he was sharing his feelings with the world.

“Fiiiiine. It will be nice to see how some of the girls are doing anyway. I’ve been meaning to check in on Renesmee.”

  We were the last couple to arrive–everyone else was already divided between two tables–men at one and women at the other. I was starting to resent how gender-segregated these meetings were, but I dutifully took my seat with the girls. 

After everyone greeted me, Martha continued ranting about how awful Ricky was around the house. Apparently, he claimed he “didn’t know how” to vacuum. He refused to cook because “what Martha made tasted better.” I couldn’t say I was surprised, but I was sad she had to put up with that shit. I was going to tell Martha she deserved better, but Renesmee bet me to it.

“You have to shut that down now Martha. That kind of thing is not going to get better when you’re married, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life as his servant.”

“You’re right. If he keeps this up, I don’t think I can say yes,” Martha replied with tears in her eyes.

“I think it’s better to say no at the wedding than to say yes to the wrong person,” I assured her. I hoped Martha wouldn't let herself get tied to a guy like Ricky–I was relieved she was finally starting to see the light.

Renesmee sighed, “I think you’re right Bella.”

“Honey, is everything ok with you and Jacob?” Martha pried.

“Being in the real world has just been hard. He doesn’t really get along with my friends, and he treats me like a kid sometimes. But I’m 19! I’m just as much of an adult as he is, you know?” Renesmee was clearly worked up, but I had to suppress a laugh. The fact that she thought she, a 19 year-old college freshman, was exactly as adult as Jacob, a 25 year-old grad student, was fucking hilarious.

“Age differences can be hard to navigate,” I acknowledged. Edward and I were pretending to struggle with this too, and the cameras were rolling, so I had to sell it, “I think it helped us to acknowledge that we are in different places in our lives so that we can meet in the middle. He can’t be 26, but I can’t be 20, you know?”

Renesmee nodded, “That makes sense. I guess we just need to find our middle ground.”

“It’s also ok if you don’t actually want to get married yet–you are still pretty young,” I was afraid of how she’d react to this, so I added, “I’ve said the same thing to Edward–I don’t want him to take a step he’s not ready for just because he’s afraid of losing me.”

“I know what I’m ready for,” Renesmee protested, “I want to be a wife. I want to stop dating. I may be 19, but I know what I want–I’ve always matured faster than most people, and I don’t want to wait to be with Jacob.”

“Ok, I get it. I just want us all to remember that we have options,” I said, hoping to diffuse the situation a bit. It worked well enough for the conversation to move forward, but Renesmee was clearly pissed at me. But I didn’t regret saying something. I know Jacob is a great guy, and won’t take advantage of her, but 19 is too young to make such a life-altering decision. I couldn’t imagine tying myself to a single person at 19–committing myself to one path, to one future. She’s still a teenager for god's sake!  I really hoped she knew what she was doing.

I was exhausted when Edward and I were finally allowed to leave. One camera person followed us home–I think they were hoping I’d have the age talk I’d mentioned to Renesmee with Edward on camera. He laughed when I warned him in the car. When we got home, it was time to perform.

“Edward, I talked to Renesmee tonight. She and Jacob are really struggling with the age gap. She felt like they couldn’t fit into each other’s lives. I know we said we’d meet in the middle, but I’m afraid that you’ll miss out on too much being married to someone older. I love you Edward, but I’ll never go to a frat party with you. I can’t be with you if I’m holding you back,” I will never know how I managed to say that with a straight face.

“Bella, you don’t get to make these choices for me. I love you more than I love parties. Whether or not I have a classic college experience is MY decision to make, not yours.” He managed to act mad, but I caught a twinkle in his eye. We were having the same discussion that we did this morning, but with reversed roles and lower stakes.

“You’re right Edward. I trust you to know what you need. I’ll let you know when I’m worried about you losing out on too much, but I’ll stop trying to tell you what’s best.”

“Thank you my love,” he said, sweeping me into a big kiss. It was more passionate than those we shared in the meadow, when the actual fight was still fresh. It was the kind of kiss that might make the viewers at home think we’re fucking.

It was the kind of kiss that assured me I was with the right person.

Chapter Text

“Gentlemen, this is a big moment for all of you. Today, you will decide what you are going to wear on your wedding day,” Nick Lashey, the show’s husband host, monologued. “This is a big decision that can make the wedding feel more real. Luckily,  most of you have your loved ones to help support you today.”

Ouch. As the only one here without a support person, that stung. I hadn’t bothered asking Emmett, Jasper, or Carlisle to come, and Bella was the only human I really talked to, so I was on my own. I felt a little dumb for even caring–it’s not like tux shopping is an event that most little boys dream about. I’m pretty sure the show only put so much emphasis on it so the men would have something to do on screen when the women were dress shopping.

Nick went around and asked everyone to introduce who they brought. Jacob’s childhood friends, Embry and Quil, had flown out from Washington to support him in the lead up to the wedding. Ricky’s brother was here to help him look “fly as hell” on the big day. When they got to me, Nick acted like he sincerely was sorry about my situation, but his thoughts gave him away. He was thrilled to have the extra drama. Jacob’s thoughts were also unkind–he was smug that he had people who cared enough to be here and I didn’t. 

The more we planned for the wedding, the more I felt my family's absence. I had no one to invite–if my family wasn’t willing to be on camera, I wasn’t going to bother inviting Tanya and her sisters. Though I’d only started seriously thinking of marriage recently, I’d always assumed Alice would plan my wedding. She loved a good party and always saw to every detail. I don’t think I ever realized how much of my life revolved around my family until I lost their support.

The shopping was generally uneventful. Everyone but Jacob ended up with a traditional black tux. Quil and Embry convinced Jacob that he looked best in forest green. They hooped and hollered when he came out, so he had to buy it. His friends did seem genuinely nice–they were 100% behind him being on this dumb show because they fully trusted his judgement. Great, now I had ANOTHER reason to resent Jacob. 

After two hours of debating the merits of cummerbunds and various shades of black, I was finally free. The euphoria that always came from being off camera quickly faded when I remembered that Bella was going out with her mom after dress shopping. I was glad that she was spending quality time with her mom, but I really didn’t want to be alone right now.

As I resigned myself to a night of mopping alone, I got a text from Alice. “There’s going to be a thunderstorm tonight. Want to play baseball?”

“I’ll be there in ten,” I quickly replied, grateful I wouldn't have to miss my family tonight. 

***

“Ladies, it’s finally the day many of you have dreamed about since you were little girls. Today, you are going to pick out your wedding dress!” Vanessa Lachey exclaimed, as all the girls clapped. 

Renee squeezed my shoulder. She was clearly thrilled to be helping me pick out my wedding dress–my wedding was the only thing that could get sun-loving Renee to stay in cloudy Ithaca this long. I had never seen her more self-righteous–she told every camera that she saw that she was the one who convinced me to be on the show. But even with her told-you-so attitude, I didn’t know how I’d do this without her. Being on this show and meeting Edward had turned my world upside down. Spending time with my mom, as chaotic as she could be, felt like spending time on solid ground. 

Martha’s best friend, Jasmine, and Renesmee’s sister, Rileigh, seemed less thrilled to be here. Jasmine trash talked Ricky at every chance, which made me immediately like her. Rileigh was older than Renesmee and clearly worried that her younger sister was rushing into a commitment she didn’t fully understand. I was glad that they both brought people with good judgment–I made a note to trust what they say about my dresses.. 

We all sat around drinking champagne while waiting for our turn to try on dresses. Martha ended up with a poofy princess ball gown; Renesmee chose a lace mermaid dress that made her ass look amazing. Then it was my turn. I wasn’t very into fashion, so I had a hard time figuring out what I actually wanted–I wished I could call Alice and ask if she could tell which one I’d like best. Instead, I tried on dress after dress, hoping that one would feel at least a little right.

One dress was too plain, another too ostentatious. The amount of fabric in a princess gown made me feel like I was being swallowed, while tight mermaid dresses strangled me.  

I was about to give up and ask if I could get married in the green sweater I wore to lunch with my parents, when I saw it. The front was plain, but the back had a beautiful open lace design. It was the kind of timeless dress that would fit in as easily in 1910 as it would now. It was the perfect blend of Edward and I–classic, yet modern. 

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was stunned. I’d never felt so beautiful. I was immediately affirmed by the group's reaction. Renee started crying. Renesmee and Martha told me I looked gorgeous. Jasmine and Rileigh said I’d be an idiot if I didn’t buy it immediately. 

“So Bella, is this your wedding dress?” Venessa theatrically inquired.

This was the moment where it finally hit me that I was actually getting married. I was going to be connecting myself to someone else for the rest of my life. And the person I was attaching myself to was a vampire, and his sister had a vision of me being one too. But even facing the enormity of it all, I was excited. I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with Edward Cullen.

“Yes. It’s perfect,” I replied with tears in my eyes.

***

Esme hugged me as soon as I walked through the door.

“We’ve missed you Edward. It’s strange not having you at home,” she said.

“I’ve missed you too Mom. I’ll be around more after the show is done taping, I promise.” I made a mental note to talk to Bella about our living arrangements. I’m not sure how she feels about moving in with my family after our first meeting went so poorly, but I’m also not sure how well I’d do living in her campus apartment, especially on sunny days.

Carlisle was reading in the living room and smiled when he saw me. He and Esme were trying to act cheerful and focus their thoughts on how happy they were to see me, but I could sense their nervousness. 

“Sorry that I’ve been so busy lately. It’s really hard to get away from the cameras for too long, and I want to respect your boundaries,” I said, trying to break the tension. But I only made Esme’s guilt worse.

“Edward, sweetie, I’m so sorry we can’t be there for you. It breaks my heart that I won’t be at your wedding,” if Esme were human, she’d be crying. “We love you, and we do want to get to know Bella, we just aren’t quite as brave as you are I guess.” The crazy part is, she actually meant it–she actually thought I was brave, rather than incredibly stupid, for taking this risk.

“I understand. I wish it could be different, but I get why you can’t take the risk. You’ll just have to get to know Bella better after the wedding,” I replied, trying to smile.

“Ok, we don’t have time for more of this mushy shit,” Emmett interrupted. “Alice says the storm is starting soon, so let’s go!” With that, Emmett grabbed Rose’s hand and took off into the forest.

I smiled at Esme, and we ran after him. I felt free as the wind whipped my hair back and I let myself go as fast as I could. I’d been spending so much time on camera lately that it felt like I constantly had to monitor myself. I had to make sure I blinked enough, fidgeted every few minutes, and moved at a human speed. Letting myself run as fast as I could, letting go of the inhibitions that had come to rule my life, felt amazing. I winked at Emmett as I passed him. He let go of Rose’s hand and started racing me. I managed to push myself further and run even faster. I cheered when I beat him to the baseball field.

“You cheated!” he yelled, but he thought, “It’s good to have him back, even if he is a smug bastard.”

The rest of the family arrived after Emmett. Alice and Rose were team captains this time–I guess they’d won a bet with Emmett and Jasper while I was gone. Even though Jasper is her life partner, Alice was smart enough to pick me. Combining her future vision with my mind reading made us an unstoppable team on the baseball field. Rose chose Jasper, likely to spite Alice, and Alice returned the favor by picking Emmett (she’d also seen that we were 30% more likely to win with him rather than Carlisle.) 

“Let’s get started,” Alice exclaimed as the first bolt of lightning filled the sky. Our team was up to bat first. I lost myself in the game. Watching the ball fly through the air, seeing my family chase it down, and moving as fast as I could around the diamond made me feel whole again. Being with them emphasized how miserable I’d felt without my family for the past few weeks. Bella made me incredibly happy, but I  increasingly realized that she was not the only person who mattered to me. I wasn’t really myself without my family..

Nine innings later, the storm was starting to let up. Our team was ahead by two runs, but Jasper was up to bat and Carlisle and Rose were both on base. Alice let her pitch fly, and saw where Jasper would hit it. Before his bat made contact with the ball, I was moving. I saw where it would go, and jumped at just the right moment, catching the ball seconds before Carlisle got to home plate. They were out and the game was ours. Alice high fived me as I brought the ball over and Emmett grabbed me in a bear hug. 

I didn’t run as fast on the way back. I stayed with the group as we recapped the game and debated teams and captains for the next one. By the time we arrived back at the house, it was almost midnight. I didn’t want to go back to the show’s apartment. I didn’t want to be somewhere where a cameraman could burst in at any second. I didn’t want to be in a place that wasn’t mine, where my family wasn’t able to visit. But I did want to see Bella, and I couldn’t just demand she come here in the middle of the night. So I said my goodbyes, knowing that I probably wouldn’t see them again until I was married.

“I hope he’s ok,” Esme thought as I drove away, “I really hope he’s making the right choice.”

***

“I found a dress I actually like! See you after drinks with Renee,” I texted Edward. I knew that tux shopping alone would be hard for him, but I also really needed to spend some time with my mom.

“Have fun! I’m going to spend some time with my family, so you might beat me home,” he replied. Oh good. I’d been feeling guilty for keeping him away from them. Spending time with them was good for him.

“Ready to go?” I said to Renee and the cameraman who would be joining us. I’d agreed to let them film my outing with Renee in hopes that it would get them off Edward’s back for a little bit. Besides, Renee loved the attention, and the cameras would help me remember to not mention the vampire thing to her.

We walked over to a cute bar across from the dress shop. Renee and I settled in a booth and the cameraman set up nearby. This wasn’t a formal interview, so he was trying to be as unobtrusive as he could be with a giant camera.

“So honey, how are you feeling about everything?” Renee asked. She was never one to beat around the bush.

“I’m excited, but also a little sad for Edward. His family isn’t really supportive of our relationship, so none of them are coming to the wedding.” I responded.

“What is there not to support? Do they think he’s too good for you?” Anger flashed in Renee’s eyes. I smiled–I loved that even as an adult, my mom would fight anyone who said I was anything less than perfect.

“I don’t think it’s me,” I carefully replied, “I think it’s the situation. They think we’re rushing into this. They also are not too keen on being associated with a reality show.”

“Well please tell Edward that I’ll be his mom for the day if his mom goes through with not going.” Renee said, softening a little.

In that moment, I wanted to tell Renee everything. About Edward being a vampire. About the fact that he kind of wanted to eat me. About the fact that we wouldn’t be able to have kids together. About the fact that I might become a vampire too. 

But even if the camera weren’t on us, I knew that I couldn’t tell her. Edward made it clear that it could be dangerous for humans to know about vampires, and I couldn’t do that to my mom. If I were to become a vampire, I don’t know what my relationship with my mom would even look like, or if I’d be able to still have one. And if I changed, I’d be immortal and spend most of my life without her. I’d felt bad that Edward’s family hadn’t been involved for the past few weeks. But eventually, it would be my family that wasn’t allowed to be part of our lives. 

I squeezed her hand, “Thanks Mom. I’ll be sure to let him know.”

We spent the rest of the night going over wedding details and catching up. She told me that Phil was loving his new coaching job. I told her more about Edward–little things, like his favorite color and the way his hair looks in the morning. It all went by too fast. Before I knew it, Renee said it was getting late and she had to head back to the hotel.

“I love you Mom,” I said, hugging her tighter than usual, “I’m so glad that you have my back.”

“Love you too sweetie,” she replied, “I still can’t believe I talked you into coming on this show. I’m glad it worked out,” she said with a smile.

I ended up beating Edward home and was forced to be alone with my thoughts. I couldn’t get Renee and Charlie out of my head. I loved my parents and wanted them to stay a part of my life. But I understood that telling them vampires exist might not be the best idea. 

A few hours ago, when I looked at myself in my wedding dress, I felt so certain about the future–so sure I knew what was right. But that certainty was starting to slip. Feeling separated from his family for a few weeks was clearly hurting Edward–what would choosing to be away from mine forever do to me?

Chapter Text

This might be fun if I could get drunk. All the other men seemed to be having a blast. The producers made sure that everyone took plenty of shots before we arrived at the paintball park. By the time we got there, Ricky was already wasted and Jacob’s thoughts were becoming fuzzier. The cameras forced me to keep downing shots, so at least Ricky wouldn’t be the only one throwing up later.

At least they had us all playing against each other. It seems like the producers had sensed our strained relationships and thought it would be fun to watch us compete. Jacob and I still had some unresolved tension over Bella and I honestly don’t know how anyone could like fucking Ricky. However, the producers also let each of us invite our support friends, meaning I once again had to face being the odd man out. At least this time I had a way to let out my aggression. 

Jacob started out having fun. Even intoxicated, he was able to hit Ricky 5 times in the first 20 minutes, which immediately lifted his mood. But he got increasingly flustered as I evaded him and he kept getting hit. “ Does this fucking guy have to be good at everything? He steals my girl AND gets to hit me with paint? It’s just not fair. At least he’s a friendless loser .” His last thought earned him an extra shot in the leg.

After about an hour of letting us shoot each other to our heart’s content, the producers gathered us around a table, hoping we would drunkenly spill our feelings. I had never had to act drunk before–and probably shouldn’t have to now. It was insane that they pressured someone who they thought was underaged into drinking enough that I should be shitfaced, but that’s Hollywood for you. 

As always, Ricky was more than happy to start things off. “I mean Martha is pretty, but what if there is someone even HOTTER out there I could get with, you know? And she’s started nagging me about chores. I’m just not sure if she’s good enough to convince me to settle.”

I used my supposed intoxication as an excuse to tell this ass how I really felt. “If you didn’t want to settle, why are you even ON this show? The whole point is to find a wife, you idiot.”

“ I’m glad someone finally said it” Jacob thought as he howled with laughter. For one moment, we were in perfect sync. Ricky barely tried to respond–he turned beet red and muttered something about cold feet.

“I guess I get that,” Jacob slurred, “I mean, Nessie is like so great, I mean sooooo great, but like how do I know if she’s the one? I thought when I saw her, that like everything would change. That it would be like gravity wasn’t holding me to this planet anymore–that she would be the thing that held me here. But instead she’s just a girl that I really like spending time with, you know?” “ And there is another girl I also liked spending time with…” he thought as he conjured Bella’s face. 

I resisted the urge to slap his face off. “I think you have unrealistic expectations Jakey,” I tried to imitate his slur. “Love isn’t always easy. It’s not about feeling the world shift. It’s about being willing to shift everything else in the world so you can fit together, no matter what anyone else says,” I knew I should stop, but for some reason I kept ranting. “Do you know how lucky you are to be with Reneesme? She’s so nice and she loves you and is only a little too young for you. But so what? You two can have such a nice normal life together, and you want to throw it away for someone who doesn’t want you that way?” I caught my slip a second too late–he never mentioned Bella being his reason for hesitating. 

Luckily, he was too drunk to catch my mistake. “You’re so right Eddy” “ I hate that this bastard is wise too.” “I’m gonna go home and hug Nessie right now,” he declared as he stumbled away from the table.

“And I’m going to go to Bella,” I followed his lead and stumbled away from the table. We were getting married tomorrow, and I needed my other half. I needed to make sure she still thought I was worth sacrificing for.

***

Oh my gooooooooooooooddddddddd I don’t think I’ve ever been this drunk before. In college, I was much more likely to spend late nights at the library than at parties, so I’d never really tested my alcohol tolerance.  But the producers kept handing my fruity drink after fruity drink with bigger and bigger shots poured into them. By the time we got to our party boat, my entire body felt fuzzy. All my defenses were down.

“Martha, Martha, MARTHA. I NEED to ask you something,” I said, grabbing her face. “What the hell do you see in Ricky? Why on Earth did you choose to marry HIM?” I asked.

Tears filled her eyes, “I don’t know, he seemed nice. He told me I was hot before I even saw him. And this is probably weird, but he reminded me of my dad. And I thought my parent’s marriage seemed ok, so…”she stopped talking and started sobbing.

Renesmee came to her side at once, “Sweetie, it’s ok. If you really think he can make you happy, marry him. If you don’t, then say no tomorrow. But the last thing any of us need is Bella’s judgment,” she finished, glaring at me.

“I know you were thinking the same thing,” I spat back, wishing Edward was here to confirm that I was right.

“Not everyone has it as easy as you Bella. You and Edward fit so easily. Jacob proposed to you first. We get it: you’re perfect,” she snarled back,

I couldn’t stop laughing. “Nothing about being with Edward has been easy. His family, who he loves, barely wants to talk to me and refuse to come to the wedding. He won’t have sex with me until we’re married, and—”

“Wait, is Edward a VIRGIN??” Renesmee interrupted. Thank god that was a shock to her–I was a second away from telling the world he was a vampire who would for sure have eaten me by now if he didn’t love me. But it didn’t make this conversation any easier.

“Um, yeah,” I finally responded, “he’s pretty religious.” That felt like an understatement given his soul-obsession. 

“Damn, I couldn’t imagine putting up with this and not getting laid,” Martha added.

“Honestly, it kinda blows. Like we do other stuff, but I’m so sick of holding back,” I explained, “I just want to feel ALLLLL of him,” I finished with a slur.

“Then get that dick Bella! Go home and ride him into your wedding day,” Renesmee giggled.

“You know what, I think I will.”

***

“Edwaaarrdd? Is that you?” Bella called from the living room. I stopped for a moment to brace myself. I needed to talk to her, but was terrified of how it would end. We were getting married tomorrow, and there was so much we hadn’t discussed, like where we would live. And there were things that we had discussed that still felt unsettled. I still didn’t know if I could destroy her soul to keep her forever, but she seemed determined to forge her own path. And despite her assurances that she’d never thought about having a family before, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d be taking something important away from her. Maybe I was old fashioned or had spent too much time in Rose and Esme’s heads, or maybe she was hiding her true disappointment from me to spare me feelings. It was unfortunate that we had to have this conversation here in the camera-filled apartment. We’d have to talk in code, which made it so much harder to get to the root of things.

“Edward, my love, come to me now!” she yelled. Bella was being oddly pushy tonight. Maybe the Bachelorette party stirred something in her too. I walked into the other room, ready for a serious talk.

I found Bella in a black lingerie. The top was low cut, pushing up her breasts. Sheer black fabric covered her stomach, letting me see everything through a lacey haze. The fabric became more solid around her waist, and was covered by a black lace skirt that perfectly hit her upper thigh. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I’d always wanted her, always dreamed about holding her close, feeling every line of her body against mine, but I’d never felt more strongly pulled to her than tonight.

Instinctually, I moved towards her. I no longer felt in control of my body. Or at least my brain didn’t feel in control. I walked towards her slowly, taking in the sight of her, every curve of her body, every inch of perfect porcelain skin. I breathed in her delicious scent, which lit my throat on fire.

I stopped myself when I felt the venom pool in my mouth. I’d told Bella part of why I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. I was from a different time. I’d chosen the immoral path many times in my immortal life, but just this once, in just this one way, I wanted to be true to my beliefs. I wanted to be the kind of person who could be worthy of her. True, she’d already had sex, but she also hadn’t killed anyone. I hoped that saving myself would even the playing field, at least a little bit.

But I also wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to fuck her without killing her. Even kissing her could be a struggle–I often felt myself lose control. I wanted to hold her closer, kiss her harder. If I let my guard slip, I could crush her. I couldn’t imagine how I’d stay in control if I got to have all of her.

“Bella,” I sighed, “you look absolutely beautiful, but you know that I want to wait–”

“I can’t wait anymore,” she declared as she marched up to me. She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me hard. I automatically kissed her back, but something seemed off. Her movement seemed random and her breath tasted different… 

Oh god, she’s wasted. I should have anticipated this. If I could get drunk, I’d be stumbling around here too.

“Bella,” I said more firmly, pulling her away from me, “we’re not going to do this tonight, especially not when you’re drunk.”

“But I want you so bad,” she lunged at my face again. It took all  of my will power to stop her. If she hadn’t been so drunk, I might have given in.

“I want you too, my love, but I also want our first time to be special. I want it to happen because we’re both fully ready, not because one of us had a few too many shots.”

“I’m not that drunk,” she pouted, “and why do you get to decide EVERYTHING. You decide when we have sex, you decide that I won’t be a–”

“Bella,” I quickly interrupted, “I don’t think this is the best time to have that conversation.” I looked pointedly at the camera mounted on the wall.

“It’s never the right time to talk. It’s never the right time to figure things out. We just keep saying we’ll figure it out later. But I want to do something NOW Edward. And if we can’t talk about those other things, at least we can do this,” she started to move her hand down my body. I caught it before it got so low my brain stopped working.

“I’m sorry, but that’s not going to solve anything,” I tried to stay calm, but it was getting harder. This wasn't the Bella I met in the pods. This wasn't the smart, kind woman I fell in love with. “Maybe we could go for a drive and–”

“No! I don’t want to go to the car and talk. I don’t want to talk about the fact that your family hates me or about how hard our age difference is,” she snarked. “I just want to hold you and remember how much I love you before we get married, ok? I just want to really be together.”

“I can’t,” I snapped back. “Do you think this is easy for me? This whole thing had felt impossible! I love you Bella, but I have no idea how this is supposed to work. My own family thinks we’ll fail–that’s probably the real reason they’re not coming to the wedding. And now you’re trying to pressure me into having sex? You know how important waiting until marriage is to me, yet you’re still trying to push me!”

“Fine,” she snapped, “I’m going to bed. Don’t follow me.”

I spent the night laying on the couch in the living room, wondering if I’d ruined my life.

***

“Why does this have to be so hard,” I whispered as I blacked out.

Chapter Text

I woke up with the worst headache of my life. My skull was throbbing. For a few glorious minutes, all I could think about was the physical pain. Then I turned over and realized Edward wasn’t in bed with me. And I looked down and noticed I was wearing lingerie. Then the real pain hit. 

I can’t believe I did that. I ignored his boundaries because I wanted to distract myself from our problems with sex. I looked over at the clock and suppressed a groan. It was already 9–I only had an hour to make things right before the producers came and rushed me away to the venue. I didn’t have time to let my headache or my shame die down–I had to talk to him now.

I threw on a robe and trudged into the living room and found him sitting on the couch, waiting for me.

“Hi,” it felt like a stupid way to start, but I had no idea what else to say.

“Hello,” he replied, walking over to me. “How are you feeling?” he asked, seeming genuinely concerned.

“My head has felt better,” I sheepishly responded. “But that’s not important right now. Edward, what I did last night was not ok–I’m so sorry. I was drunk, and the other girls at the Bachelorette party were so shocked that we were waiting until marriage and kept going on about how much easier things were because they were having sex, and I just–”

He put a finger to my lips, “It’s ok Bella.”

“No it’s not,” I pushed. “I should have respected your boundaries.

“Do you respect them now?” he asked.

“Of course but–”

“Do you plan to get that drunk again before the wedding?”

“No, but–”

“Do you promise to keep what you were wearing last night?”

I blushed, “I mean I can if you want me to.”

“I really do,” he said, flashing me his crooked smile. But something still seemed off in his eyes.

“Are you sure you’re ok? Some of last night is a little blurry, but it seemed like there were things you wanted to talk about. I remember you saying something about your family? Are you sure you want to do this without them?”

“I love you Bella, I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am about my feelings for you.” He was trying to sound reassuring. He was trying to let me know he loved me. But he didn’t answer the question.

“Edward, we really should talk about your family. You seemed so upset–”

“We will have plenty of time to talk about the hard things later,” he offered. “After we’re married. Today, I just want to focus on how I feel about you and how excited I am to spend my life with you. Can we let that be enough for now?”

“Of course,” I said, kissing him lightly. I hoped it could be enough for now, and that we could be enough forever.

But when I looked in his eyes, all I saw was doubt.

***

For the first time, I doubted if Bella was right for me. I’d spent weeks agonizing over if I could ever be enough for her, but last night changed things. I understand that she was drunk, and I know that this whole thing has been stressful as hell, but the way she kept pushing…that wasn’t the woman I fell in love with.

And to make matters worse, I’d have cameras glaring at me all day while producers stalked me, asking me endless questions about how fucking sad it is that my family isn’t here. This doesn’t feel right. This isn’t how my wedding day should go. I just needed to ground myself.

I just needed my dad.

I called Carlisle without thinking. Cameras be damned

“Edward, is everything ok?”

“No it’s not. I…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should get married today. Everything has just been so hard. The…age gap,” I hoped he would catch on to the euphemism Bella and I had been using, “was already making things complicated. But last night Bella got drunk and tried to pressure me into having sex, even though I told her why I wanted to wait,” if I was human, I think I’d be crying, “And to not have you here, to not have your support–”

“Edward,” he interrupted, “I will always support you. I might not understand why you made this choice, but I trust you to do what is best for you. I love you, and if you love Bella, then we will welcome her into the family with open arms. We just need to do that in private.”

“You can’t mean that. You know this was a mistake. It’s why you stayed out of it.”

“Edward Mason Cullen,” Carlisle almost growled. I couldn’t remember him ever being this angry with me, “Just because our family isn’t comfortable being on TV does not mean we don’t love and support you. I will always regret not being able to see my son get married. I will always be sad that I had to start my relationship with Bella this way. All I want is for you to be happy, and it hurts to know that I’m making what should be a joyful day disappointing. But please remember that your family will always have your back. Even Rose.”

“Thanks Dad. I love you too,” I’d had no idea how badly I needed to hear him say that.

“But,” he continued, “I will also support you if you decide not to get married today. I know it goes against your nature, but you need to think with your heart today, not your head. Like Rose did when she met Emmet, or I did when I first saw Esme. What does your heart say?”

I took a moment to process what he said. I’d never understood how Rose and Carlisle had known they belonged with Emmet and Esme before getting to know them. In an instant, they made a choice that would connect them for eternity. 

But now, it made sense. I fell in love with Bella before I ever saw her. I’d only known her for a matter of weeks, but it felt like I’d known her all my entire existence–like she was someone I was always meant to know. Like she completed me. I was upset with how Bella acted last night, but one drunken night doesn’t define who she is. This morning, she’d shown remorse, which meant she knew it was wrong. Maybe I’d had Bella on too high a pedestal and expected her to be perfect. She stayed with me, even when I told her I wanted to kill her. The least I could do was move past this.

“My heart says that I’m going to marry her,” I finally responded.

“Then what are you waiting for?” I could hear his smile through the phone. 

My conversation with Carlisle brought the magic back to the day. When the producers hounded me about being alone, I smiled and said my family was with me in spirit. They still didn’t want to be on reality TV, but they’d warmed up to the idea of my marriage and were thrilled to meet Bella. They struggled to hide their disappointment at my answer. I think they wanted me to break down on camera. Hell, they might even be hoping I said no.

But I had never been more confident in my yes.

***

“Sweetie, are you ok? You look paler than usual,” Renee observed as she helped me get dressed. Being in this room, putting the dress on…it all made it feel so real. Maybe too real.

“I think I’m fine,” I replied, “just nervous. Edward and I had a pretty bad fight last night and it was my fault.” I recounted my predatory behavior to my mom. Even though she was trying to keep her face neutral, she looked as shocked as the other contestants had when I told her Edward was a virgin and disappointed when I told her how I’d pushed him

“Did you apologize?” she asked in a serious tone.

“Of course!” I exclaimed. “I have no idea what came over me–that’s not the person I want to be. I think I was just overwhelmed. There is still so much we need to figure out. There are so many things I’m still unsure of. This is all just happening too fast.” Tears started flowing down my face, ruining my makeup.

“I’m sorry honey. I should never have pushed you to go on this show. You like to have all the information when you make decisions, when getting married this way really requires a leap of faith,” Renee apologized as she passed me a tissue.

“I’m not sorry I came on the show,” I corrected, wiping my eyes, “I love Edward and I will never regret meeting him. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I just don’t know if I’m ready…”

“I think you just have to listen to your heart on this one sweetie,” she responded as she fixed my makeup.

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

“Can I come in?” Charlie asked.

“Yes Dad, come in.” I replied. Charlie was holding a small box in his hand.

“I thought I could help you with your something borrowed,” stated as he handed me the box, “It belonged to your grandma Swan.” 

I opened the box and saw a small silver hair comb with sapphires. The metal work was intricate, creating a beautiful design, and the sapphires added a gorgeous dash of color.

“Charlie, it’s perfect,” I held back tears as my mom added it into my intricate  hairstyle. Thank god the show provided hair and makeup–I would have had no idea how to make myself look this good.

“Bella, I know that I wasn’t supportive when you told me about this. But Edward seems like a good man. If you think that he will make you happy, know you have my blessing,” he said as tears sparkled in his eyes.

“I love you Dad,” I cried as I pulled him into a hug. 

In that moment, I could feel my parents’ love and support. I knew that they would love me no matter what I chose, even if it took me away from them. It should have buoyed me and made the decision easier. But I felt less sure than ever. No matter what he said, I knew that choosing Edward meant choosing to become a vampire, and choosing to leave my life and my parents behind.

I needed more time.

“Bella, Charlie, there you are! It’s time to go down the aisle,” one of the producers started shepherding us towards the church. I stumbled towards her in my too high heels. Charlie caught my arm as we walked. My heart was in my throat. I was out of time.

“Dad,” I whispered as we followed the producer, “don’t let me fall.”

“Never,” he assured me as the music started.

***

At that moment, there was nowhere I’d rather be. There was nothing I’d rather be doing. My mind usually went a million miles a second and could contain thousands of thoughts at once. But as Bella walked down the aisle, she was all I could think about.

I’d never seen anything as beautiful as my Bella in a wedding dress.

***

He smiled at me like I was the only person in the world. He looked perfect in his tux–his pale skin glowed against the black suit.

Charlie and I made it to the end of the aisle. I kissed his cheek and I took Edward’s perfect marble hand. He beamed at me again, staring into my eyes like I was something perfect and precious.

My heart was still racing, but there were three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was nothing sexier than this fucking man is a tux. And third I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. 

But I didn't know if I could marry him.

***

“Edward and Bella,” the priest began, “you chose to be engaged and spend the rest of your lives together based on an incredible emotional connection. Now is the time to decide if love is truly blind. 

“Edward Masen Cullen, do you take Isabella Marie Swan to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and health, as long as you both shall live?”

“Bella,” I spoke as I got lost in her perfect brown eyes, “ you are my life now. From our first conversation, I knew that I loved you. We can talk about anything, from Jane Austen to our future. I know that there have been some bumps along the way, I know it hasn’t always been easy. But it has been right. 

“So yes, I do,” I vowed. The fact that I ever doubted this choice felt ridiculous. Of course I was meant to marry this woman–of course we were meant to be together. Nothing had ever been clearer.

***

“Isabella Marie Swan,” the priest continued, “Do you take Edward Masen Cullen to be your lawfully wedded husband, through sickness and health, as long as you both shall live?”

His vows were perfect. Starting into his golden eyes, it was easy to believe what he said. Easy to think that we were ready to make this work. So I looked away.

“Edward,” I started as my eyes filled with tears, “I’m so sorry but I can’t.”

Chapter Text

“Edward, wait,” Bella cried as I ran back down the aisle. I’d never had so much trouble moving at a human pace. I had to move fast, I had to get away from the cameras. I had to go home.

I didn’t know what went wrong. Maybe she finally accepted what I was and realized she wanted more. Maybe she was still upset that I hadn’t fucked her last night. Maybe she’s never really loved me at all and just wanted a dramatic moment on Netflix…

I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. It felt like the world was falling apart. She’d deeply changed me, I knew that much–I’d never be the same without her.

“Edward,” a nearby bush whispered. I looked over my shoulder, making sure that I’d outrun the cameras. I ducked behind the bush and felt Esme’s arms around me.

“Mom, why are you here?”

“Alice knew that the outcome of the wedding wasn’t certain, so I wanted to be close by. She called me as soon as she saw Bella’s answer. I’m so sorry honey,” she said, pulling me closer.

I tearlessly sobbed into her shoulder. I told her how sad and confused I felt. I told her that I loved her enough to almost feel happy that she said no and didn’t damn herself to this life. I told Esme I was grateful to have her there.

But it didn’t make me feel less broken. And it didn’t help me understand what happened. After about what felt like hours, but was probably minutes, I pulled myself together and let Esme go with a sigh.

“You should go before the cameras find us,” I sighed.

“Screw the cameras,” Esme hissed, “I’m done being scared–I will not abandon you when you need me.”

“I love you Mom, but I think I’m ready to talk to Bella.”

***

“Edward, wait,” I yelled again as I tried to stumble after him. These goddamn heels were making it too hard. He’d pushed past the cameras and was already outside. He’d just barely moved at a human speed.

“Mom, help me take these off,” I screeched as Renee came up to me, “I need to talk to him, I need to explain, but I can’t do it in these fucking shoes.” One of the camera’s got closer to me during my tantrum. Oh god, was I going to be the villain of this season? The crazy bitch who let a perfect many get away then had the nerve to throw a temper tantrum? No, even if I did have a complete meltdown, I couldn’t be worse than Ricky, right?

“Bella, sweetie, take a deep breath,” Renee replied. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “You need to calm down and give him a minute to himself. He’s probably really hurting right now, and he doesn’t need to be comforting you.”

The fact that Renee thought she had to be the emotionally mature one snapped me out of it. If she was telling me to calm down, I clearly wasn’t ready to talk to Edward. Renee and Charlie walked me back to the bridal suite. Before I could sit, a camera was in my face.

“Why did you say no Bella?” the producer asked.

“I…I don’t want to talk about it,” I responded, trying to hold back tears.

“Sorry babe, you signed a contract. We’re not going to leave until you explain.”

“I…I just wasn’t ready. There is still so much we need to figure out.”

“So you don’t really love him,” he needled.

I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore, “Of course I love him. Edward is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. But marriage is such a big commitment and we’ve only known each other a few weeks and, and,” I couldn’t talk, the sobs took over my body.

“Get out of here,” Charlie yelled, his face turning purple, “I don’t care what contract she signed. She is in pain and needs to be alone with her family. How dare you try to film her right now. How dare you make her feel worse so you can get better ratings, you little creep.” Charlie pushed the producer out of the room and slammed the door. He may not be great with emotions, but as a cop, he was good at intimidating people.

“Thanks Dad,” I whispered as I leaned on Renee’s shoulder. 

They didn’t make me talk, which I was grateful for. I didn’t know what I’d say–I wasn’t sure how to explain it right without telling them the whole truth. And if I told them Edward was a vampire, Charlie might try to institutionalize me; he already thought I was crazy for going on the show, so telling him I thought vampires were real might push him over the edge.

After I’d taken 42 deep breaths, I felt calmer. I felt as ready as I’d ever be to explain myself.

“Mom, can you go find Edward?”

***

As soon as I walked into the courtyard, the cameras and crew surrounded me. I pushed past them, trying to get as far from Esme as I could manage.

“Edward, how are you feeling?” a producer inquired, stepping in front of me.

“Not good,” I sharply responded, “Please get out of my way, I need to go find Bella.”

“Perfect, we’ll come with you,” he cheerfully replied, waving the cameras to follow.

“I’d actually like to speak with her alone,” I snarled.

“I’m sorry, but you signed a contra–” he started.

“Then I’m breaching it. Send me a bill for the fee,” I retorted, pushing past him.

I went back into the church, hoping to find someone who knew where Bella was. I tried not to look too closely at the room where I’d been so happy and sure just a few moments ago. I tried not to stare at the altar and remember how beautiful she’d looked when she broke my heart. Luckily, I quickly ran into Renee.

“Edward, I’m glad I found you. So sorry about what happened sweetie. If you’re up for it, Bella wants to talk to you.” OH GOD, WHAT IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO HER? BELLA WILL BE CRUSHED. SHE’S ALREADY DEVASTATED. BUT IF SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH, IF LOSING HIM IS THIS PAINFUL WHY DID SHE SAY NO?”

I wished Renee’s thoughts could give me solace, or maybe even hope that Bella might someday change her mind. But it just confirmed what I already knew: she loved me, but I was asking her to sacrifice too much. What seemed worth giving up in theory was untenable when it came to the moment of truth.

“Thank you Renee, I’d like to talk to Bella too,” I reassured her. 

She led me upstairs to the bridal suite. Cameras lurked in the hallway, waiting for Bella to come out. Renee glared at them as we passed, “ THEY BETTER NOT HARASS MY DAUGHTER AGAIN” she thought as the image of Bella’s crying face filled her mind. Even now, Bella’s pain felt like my own. As much as it hurt me, I had to make it clear that it was ok for her to want more–I had to release her from this imagined obligation she felt to me. 

I knocked on the door. Charlie answered, nodded at me, then stepped out. I was glad that we would be truly alone for this conversation, and have Chief Swan to keep the cameras at bay.

I walked in and closed the door behind me. Bella was sitting by the window, staring outside like she was looking for something. She must not have heard me knock. 

“Hi Bella,” she snapped to attention when she heard my voice.

“Edward, I’m so–” she began as she walked toward me, holding back tears.

“Bella,” I interrupted, taking her hands in mine, “it’s ok. I understand. I meant every word that I said on the altar, but I never really expected you to feel the same way. You probably thought that you were okay with what I was. Maybe you thought I could be enough–I think that’s what you were trying to prove to yourself last night, that we could do one thing like a normal couple. And we can’t. Because you’re human, and I’m a vampire. I’m going to be 17 forever. I’ll never be able to have children. And that isn’t enough for you. And that’s truly ok Bella. All I want is for you to be happy.

“Even if that means not being together.”

“Edward, I want to be with you,” she tightened her grip on my hands, “I love you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, but…” she took a deep breath. I tried to prepare myself for her final rejection, tried to crush the hope I felt when she told me she loved me.

“But I’m not ready to marry you. It’s only been a month! And maybe if we were a normal couple, that could be enough time to jump into this. Or maybe if we hadn’t been surrounded by cameras and hadn’t had to spend half our time together talking in code.

“There is just too much I don’t know. We didn’t even decide where we were going to live, or if we wanted to live together. I’m not positive what it would mean to be a vampire. Could I find a way to still have my parents in my life? And I know I only met your family once, and it was really awkward, but it didn’t seem right to let you get married without them. Today just didn’t feel right to me.

“I want to be with you Edward. I want to fight for this to work. But this wasn’t the right way to do it–we need more time.” She stopped again, and took a breath to collect herself, “But I understand if rejecting you at the altar changed things for you. I understand if you don’t want to–”

“Isabella Marie Swan,” the hole that had formed in my chest at the altar was gone. She really did love me. She really did want to make this work, “my feelings for you will never change. I will always want to be with you. If you need more time, it’s yours. And besides,” I added with a smile, “if there is one thing I’ve got plenty of, it’s time.”

Bella’s face lit up with a smile. She took her hands out of mine and threw them around me. I kissed her head as she buried her face in my shoulder. When she looked up at me again, our lips met. This kiss wouldn’t seal us in holy matrimony, but it did bind us together. It was a promise to be together. To be patient. To do whatever it took to make this work.

We may not have gotten married, but it was still the happiest day of my life.

Chapter Text

“Do I have to wear the contacts?” I whined. “They’re so distracting.”

“Bella, we need to make you look human,” Alice chided as she slathered more bronzer onto my. “And everyone will be expecting your eyes to be BROWN, not red.”

I sighed, knowing she was right. I slipped on the contacts, trying to ignore their cracked imperfections. I’d have to put a few extra pairs in my bag, just in case filming ran long. 

It was a good thing my super power seemed to be super-resistance, or I’d never be able to sit in a room full of humans. We were originally going to wait until after all the filming was over for my transformation, but things didn’t quite go according to plan. I’d only been a vampire for a few months, but so far, it suited me just fine.

“Bella,” Edward called from downstairs, “are you almost ready to go? Someone wants to say goodbye.”

“Go on,” Alice sighed, “though I really wish you’d embrace the art of the makeover. It would make it easier to be your sister,” she said with a smile. 

I kissed her cheek and ran downstairs, swooping my perfect little accident from Edward’s arms. The product of our honeymoon. Even though I’d accepted that being with Edward meant not having kids, I’d been thrilled when I found out I was pregnant. And once he saw that the baby wasn’t evil and hadn’t killed me, Edward became a doting and loving father.

“Ok Charlisle, you be nice to your Aunt Rose while Dad and I are away, ok?” He touched a face to my hand, asking in his own special way if we really had to go. His emerald green eyes added to his plea.

“Sorry honey, Mommy and Daddy have to keep a promise they made.”

With that, we headed to the studio. I wanted to run, but Edward said it would be less conspicuous if we drove. I knew he was right, but I was still thrilled with my new speed and grace.

We were the last couple to arrive. Martha and Ricky were on opposite sides of the room. Like me, she’d said no on her wedding day. Unlike me, she stayed the hell away from that toxic man since. Jacob and Renesmee were cuddled up on a loveseat near the center of the room.

I squeezed Edward’s hand before moving to sit next to Martha. As far as the viewing audience knew, we weren’t together–the producer’s insisted on dramatically revealing our marriage.

Most of the filming passed in a blur. Jacob and Renesmee talked about their tiny new Manhattan apartment. Ricky said he was back on the apps, while Martha gushed about her new boyfriend. Edward recounted the story of my sudden illness that pushed us to get married and the treatment that saved my life. I laughed at the clips they played of Ricky being an ass. I cried at Renesmee’s vows. I cringed as I watched myself say no to Edward. 

Then, it was time for the last question: is love really blind?

“Love isn’t just blind,” I replied, “it’s completely irrational.”