Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

⤜ Watershed ⤛

Kaz Brekker had it all.

He'd only been King of the Barrel for a year, but already his name was known, and feared, throughout the streets of Ketterdam, by locals and tourists alike. His reputation had sky-rocketed, and rumour was he had big plans for his new crooked kingdom.

But as Dirtyhands worked studiously in his office, pen scratching hard across dry parchment, his crow cane leaning against the side of his desk, his thoughts were far from Ketterdam. In fact, they were out at sea, as he fretted over a long-awaited reunion. It'd been maybe a month since the Wraith, his ex-spider, had last sailed back to Ketterdam. But it felt like a year already.

Kaz dropped his pen after finding he'd written the same word three times, his thoughts drifting back to one of her visits. Maybe a little over six months ago. It'd been just the two of them. Sitting in his office.

She'd been telling him all about her adventures at sea with her new ship and crew. She'd showed him a list of all the slavers she'd caught or were yet to catch. She'd rambled on about all the young men and women she had saved. She'd described to him all the fascinating people and places she'd visited on her voyages. She'd looked so happy as she spoke, her face alight with her accomplishments barely a year after first setting sail from Ketterdam's harbour.

A heavy knock on the door shattered Kaz's thoughts. "Boss?" Rotty called out, opening the door to peer in. By then, Kaz had wiped the unwelcomed smile off his face and was busy overlooking his stack of papers again. He didn't look up as he snapped, "Not now Rotty!" He saw Rotty flinch out of the corner of his eye. "I do not wish to be disturbed tonight."

"Of course Boss. But..." 

"But what?" Kaz snapped again, signing a piece of parchment so hard the tip of his pen almost pierced it.

"There's someone here to see you Boss."

Kaz sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and pushing himself up from his chair, his leg aching a bit. He'd spent most of his morning at his newest club, dubbed the Silver Six, walking around tables, ensuring everything was running smoothly and secretly observing his new workers. He was tired and wanted to complete the last of his paperwork in peace before turning in for the night. "Fine, let them in."

Rotty pushed the door open further, tipping his hat to someone behind him before thumping his way down the stairs of the Slat. Kaz finally looked up from his desk and froze. Standing in the doorway, still and graceful as a shadow, was his beloved Wraith. "Inej."

"Hi Kaz." She smiled softly before slipping uninvited into his office. Now that she no longer worked for him, Inej didn't see the need to wait for Kaz's permission anymore.

The office hadn't changed a bit since she'd last been there, except for maybe the piles of parchment surrounding Kaz's desk. The window opposite it was open, despite the cold wind that was blowing in, risking the stacks of parchment toppling over. From the window, Kaz had a clear view of the harbour where her ship was currently at port, though it was impossible to see in the dark.

Inej liked to hope that maybe he kept that window open on purpose. Maybe so that one day he could see her ship sailing into the harbour and be there in time to greet her. She was probably just overthinking things though.

Kaz watched Inej intently as she slid her hand over the windowsill before lifting herself to sit on it. Kaz saw flashes of a past memory. Inej sitting where she was now, feeding the crows gathering on the roof. The wind blowing her hair. The sun making her rich bronze skin glow. Even now, she was breathtaking in the moon's gentle light.

"You're back so soon. You didn't write to me that you were coming," he murmured, the silence making his voice a little weaker than he'd wanted it to sound.

She shrugged, resting her long braid on her shoulder and leaning back against the windowsill. "It was a last-minute decision. I was passing by, so I thought I'd come to see how everyone was. Jesper and Wylan wanted me to tell you they say hi. Nina too. I passed her on one of my trips to Fjerda. We've been writing to one another since then. But of course, it's hard to keep in contact with her when I'm constantly moving."

"I'm glad that you're here." She looked at him, then glanced away back out the window.

There was something different about her. Kaz inspected her carefully. She looked like the same Wraith he knew so well. Small, lean figure, healthy bronze complexion, dark ebony hair and warm eyes. No sign of injury except for a new scar at the base of her neck, a little bigger than a coin. But there was something off about her. Something that made the hairs on his neck stand at attention. "Is something wrong?"

"No." Inej fought the urge to wince as her reply came a little quicker than she'd expected. "Why do you ask?"

Kaz grabbed his cane, limping around his desk till he was standing less than a foot away from her. "It's been barely a month since you left. What made you come back?"

'Would you believe me if I said you?' Inej thought. "I heard a slaver's ship was on its way to Ketterdam. I thought I could catch it just before the dock." It was a lie, and Inej didn't know if Kaz bought it. He was incredibly hard to read sometimes.

Kaz took another step forward and Inej found it impossible to look away from him now. "What's wrong Inej?" Her name sounded soft on his tongue, a mere whisper.

She sat up a bit, arms wrapping insecurely over her chest. "Nothing," she replied, despite her body language saying the complete opposite.

"You don't usually take the stairs," he said, perceptive as always. Inej should've known he wouldn't miss that. "I know you prefer the rooves. It's quicker."

She shrugged again. "Is it such a crime to think of safety first?"

Kaz stared at a strand of hair that'd fallen loose from her tight braid and battled the urge to tuck it behind her ear. Even with his gloves on, he was terrified to touch her. As if scared that if he did, she would somehow see past his guarded persona to the naive boy behind.

She stared at him now, her eyes searching him for the answer to a question she had yet to ask. What was she so terrified about? Was it him? Had she come back to say goodbye for good? "Inej," he murmured. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"Kaz..." Inej's hand twitched, as if wanting to take his but thinking better of it at the last second. Her breath shook suddenly as if all the fear she'd bottled up and hid from him was finally slipping free of its glass confinements. "I'm pregnant." She didn't want to look at him, but she had to see his reaction. She didn't get one at first.

Kaz's had fallen silent, his features expressionless and once more impossible to read. Then his gaze darted away, staring at the wall on his left. He exhaled, releasing the tense breath he'd been holding in his chest. "Are you sure?" He asked, still refusing to look at her.

He caught her nodding in his peripheral vision. "Yes." Her voice shook violently, and he knew his reaction was not what she'd been hoping for. Not what she'd needed. But looking away was the best he could offer so that she couldn't see the terror in his eyes as the shock refused to fade. "Kaz?" She stood up then, standing so close to Kaz he could feel the slight warmth of her breath on his neck. She turned to head for the door, but Kaz's gloved hand grabbed hers before she could take more than a step away.

Inej stared down at it, slowly wrapping her fingers through his. But he couldn't bring himself to do more. His heart was racing, drowning out all his thoughts. He continued to stare at a crack in the wall.

Before, Inej had felt somewhat certain that whatever happened next, they'd do it together. Now she wasn't quite sure. She squeezed his hand tightly, then let go. "I'm going to relieve my crew soon, at least for nine months. Whether I do that before or after I leave Ketterdam, I leave that up to you." And with that, she left. Usually, she would slip out through the window, but instead, her disappearance was followed by the light click of the door closing behind her.

Kaz squeezed the head of his cane so tight he was afraid he'd break it. The silence was deafening again. He had to think of something else. Something to distract him from the fear hitting him like waves in a rough sea. He tried focusing on the amount of work he had to do. All the papers he still needed to sign. The people he wanted to fire. The jobs he'd been offered.

But he couldn't think straight. Even when he sat down and pulled a roll of parchment towards him, he couldn't bring himself to focus enough to read the words in front of him. How had this happened? It'd been one time and it'd barely lasted a few minutes before both of them had needed to pull away. Too afraid to continue.

He'd let himself go then. Let himself open up to her. Kaz Brekker had been called many things, selfish was one of them. He wore it like a badge of honour. But Inej made him more selfish than he'd ever been. How could this have happened? Now of all times. This was the last thing he should need to worry about. If Kaz believed in saints he would be sure they were playing some sick trick on him.

It mustn't be his. It can't be. Because it if is... Everything would change. No! He was Kaz Brekker, he shouldn't let any of this ruin his plans. He remembered Pekka Rollins's son. How it had been because of him that Kaz had been able to destroy the man. If that had taught Kaz anything, it was that children make you weak. Love made you weak. And for a few seconds, he'd let it weaken him, and look what had happened!

He knew what he should do.

Dirtyhands would have forced them to leave without so much as a second thought. He would've persuaded, bribed or threatened them to move as far away as possible. Whatever it took, he would've made sure that he'd never see or hear from them ever again. He would've ensured that the secret would never slip out into the streets of his kingdom. He wouldn't let this child weaken him more than Inej already did on her own.

But Kaz wasn't sure he could do it. This was Inej he was talking about. To never see her again... To turn her away so cruelly when she needed him most.

He cursed aloud.

Chapter Text

⤜ A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed ⤛

Inej stared at the white fur rug beneath her bare feet. Arms resting limply at her sides as she became lost in thought, snapping back into attention only when Jesper entered the room, bringing with him a tray stacked with three steaming mugs of hot chocolate. He offered one to Inej, who gratefully took it, wrapping her cold fingers around the mug's warm surface tightly, as if afraid she might drop it. It was summer in Kerch, yet still freezing outside. Luckily, the Van Eck Manor was perfectly heated, with a roaring fire crackling beside them now.

"So," Jesper sighed, plonking down beside Wylan on the couch opposite her and resting his arm around the merchling's shoulders. Wylan wriggled closer to him, resting his head on the sharpshooter's chest. They were completely at ease beside one another. Inej swallowed her bitter jealously with a large sip of hot chocolate, feeling it burn down her throat. "How did he take the news?"

Jesper and Wylan had been the first ones Inej had told when she'd reached Ketterdam. Of course, they'd been shocked by the news. They'd asked her countless times whether she was certain the child was Kaz's. To which she had responded countless more times that it couldn't be anyone elses. "What do I do?" She'd asked them, burying her face in her hands.

"Well," Wylan had mumbled. "You should tell Kaz."

"Are you crazy?" Jesper had blurted.

"He has the right to know!" Wylan replied defensively.

Inej had nodded, knowing deep down that, as much as it terrified her, he was right. And so she'd begun the long walk to the Slat.

Her trip took twice as long as a little voice inside her head refused her to travel by the rooves. To put it mildly, the walk had been an uneasy one. All the sudden Inej had begun to feel unusually cautious. Suddenly becoming aware of every danger, every safety hazard, every strange figure that crossed her path. Her hand had been resting on the lower half of her stomach for most of the journey. A reflex she'd developed and hadn't been able to stop since she'd learned the news of her condition. As if those motherly instincts her own mother had once told her about, but she never quite understood, were kicking in already.

She had to admit, there was a small part of her, a bare inkling, that was excited. She'd never felt like the notion of having a family was an option for her. After all, she'd done too much wrong in her life for the saints to bless her with a child of her own. She felt honoured to learn that maybe they still had a little hope for her soul. That the saints still saw something in her that she didn't. But even with that thought in mind, she was still terrified.

What if she wasn't ready for the responsibilities of raising a child? What will happen to her dreams of freeing the sea of slavers? Of helping girls just like her. Girls who were also stolen from their families, to then be sold off to sad, lonely men. Was this really the world she wanted to bring her child into? A world that had torn her life apart.

She was broken. And no child deserved a broken mother. 

But she didn't have much of a choice now. This child was coming, and it was her decision whether she would keep it or not. She'd hoped Kaz might've helped her with that decision.

As she reached the entrance of the Slat she became abruptly uncertain again. Perhaps she could turn around now? Return to her ship and set sail for somewhere far from Kerch. The Wandering Isles perhaps? Or maybe to Jesper's home country in Novya Zem?

It was those rash thoughts that helped Inej to decide that, for now, she would keep the baby. Maybe things would change in future, and perhaps in nine months, she would feel that it would be better to give her child to a family capable of raising it in a way she never could. But she needed to know what Kaz thought.

If, by some miracle, he was interested in keeping it, then she would. She would never tear a child away from their father, not like how the slavers had done to her. But if he wasn't... Well, she might as well have gotten his answer by the time she left his office.

As she once again made the tedious walk back down to the Van Eck household, she could still see the look on Kaz's face when she'd first entered his office. He'd looked almost happy to see her. But then she had broken the news to him, and she hadn't missed the flash of terror that'd crossed his face before he'd refused to look at her.

Inej now glanced at Jesper and Wylan, both staring straight at her, though she was sure her answer was written all over her face. "Not as well as I might've hoped. But not unexpected." Jesper took a long sip from his mug.

"What are you going to do?" Wylan piped up, looking genuinely concerned for his friend. Inej didn't want their pity, but it was nice to know someone cared. She resisted the urge to feel her stomach again and instead finished off the last of her hot chocolate. "I don't know," she answered eventually. "I just... I don't want to think about it right now." But the silence that followed made it impossible to think of anything else. "I... I guess I was just hoping-" Her voice cut off when it began to shake and she quickly composed herself.

That was her problem, wasn't it? Kaz always said it was. Hope. She had too much of it apparently. Too much hope in herself. In her saints. In Kaz... She cleared her throat and rose to her feet. "I'm sorry, I'm just... I think I'm just tired. I'll probably head to bed now." Jesper and Wylan nodded, neither of them moving to stop her as they wished her goodnight.

She needed to be alone. She needed to think without knowing she was being watched. When she reached her room, she once more sat herself down on the firm window frame, staring out at the harbour, and beyond that, the open sea. It didn't look so open anymore. Because she knew no matter where she went or how far she sailed, she couldn't escape any of this. Not ever.

She gave a heavy sigh, looking down at herself. "You've put me in quite the predicament here, you know that?" She mumbled with a half-smile, resting her head up against the frame as she slowly closed her eyes and listened to the distant hiss of the sea. 

She remembered the first time she'd heard that sound. Her mother and their travelling troop had been making camp near the beach. She'd been barely a toddler when her mum had taken her down onto the sand, sitting her in the shallows of a lagoon and gently splashed salt water over her legs. Would she get to do the same?

Inej's parents were back in Ravka again. She'd wanted nothing more than to join them, but she'd known she had a job to do. Slavers to put behind bars. Now she wondered, if things didn't go well in Ketterdam, would she return to them now? Would she raise her own child among their travelling troop in Ravka, as she'd been?

As beautiful as the thought was, Inej wasn't sure she wanted her child to live the nomadic life she had. Instead of constantly moving from here to there, she wanted her child to have a place of her own to call home. Somewhere where they could feel safe. She wanted to settle- a thought that never would've crossed her mind in any other circumstances.

But Inej wasn't sure if she could bring herself to leave Kerch, or more specifically, her friends. She'd missed them so much when she'd left, and she knew she needed them now. But was she really okay with raising a baby in this city? Ketterdam wasn't exactly suitable for kids.

She picked nervously at a loose thread on her pants, staring out at the maze of alleyways and brightly lit windows, all shrouded in nighttime fog. From here, Ketterdam looked almost peaceful and she began to realise that, without meaning to, she'd let this city become something of a second home to her. A safe haven. Despite all it had done to its residents. Despite all its crooked edges and dark secrets.

'Could this also be my child's home?' She thought to herself. 'Should it be?'

Chapter Text

⤜ A Perfect Storm ⤛

Kaz recalled the day he'd bought Inej's ship.

He remembered haggling over prices with its previous captain, who'd been forced to part with it in order to pay back his way overdue debts. Inej might've thought it a bad omen to sail a ship once owned by an incessant gambler. That is if he had told her. But she'd looked so happy when she'd spotted it in the harbour for the first time, that the words had melted away on his tongue.

Now Kaz stood on the busy boardwalk of Fifth Harbour, staring up at the same ship. He slowly reached a gloved hand up to touch the faded words painted onto the barnacle infested hull. 'The Wraith'.

All of the sudden, a man came thumping down the gangway, eyeing Kaz suspiciously as the rest of the crew followed behind.  Along with them, Kaz spotted what he guessed were a few unlucky slavers, who'd recently had a run-in with his Spider. Their wrists and ankles were in chains as they were led towards a patrol of Stadwatch officers awaiting nearby.

The Stadwatch had recently offered a good sum of kruge to anyone who'd deliver slavers to Kerch, so long as there was a witness willing to testify in court. Which, by the looks of the long line of girls and boys trudging from the ship onto the boardwalk, they didn't seem to have a shortage of. Crew members were leading the poor souls through the crowd, most likely towards the nearest inn or hotel.

But Inej had found other ways of earning cash in order to pay for her exploits. On top of capturing slavers, Inej also transported goods on the odd occasion, such as spices and silks. Now a few of the crew were carrying crates down the gangway, dropping and sorting them onto carts.

"Can I 'elp yeh sir?" The man who'd been eyeing him earlier on the gangway asked, still giving Kaz a rather sideways look. From his accent, Kaz could tell he was from the Wandering Isles. That, and he also had the signature red hair that proved it. "Where is your captain?" Kaz asked, placing both hands on the head of his cane as he stared up at the ship, hoping to maybe spot Inej sitting in the crow's nest, or behind the helm. But she was nowhere in sight.

"The captain isn' here," the man grumbled. "She's stayin' at a friend's place. Is there a message or somethin' yeh wan' me ter give ter her?"

"No," Kaz said, shaking his head. "I think I know where she is."

The man glanced down at Kaz's cane, then back to the finely dressed man who owned it. "Yeh're tha' Kaz fella, aren' yeh? Captain told me last night she'd be headin' ter see yeh." Kaz felt his heart give an uneven thump. Had Inej told him? Did she trust her crew enough to feel safe sharing this kind of private information with them? "She seemed rather... distressed, when she left," the sailor continued. "If yeh don' mind me askin', wha' did yeh two talk 'bout?"

Kaz squeezed his cane. "We were just catching up."

The sailor nodded, offering his grubby, callous hand to Kaz. "The name's Hassan. I'm the captain's firs' mate." Kaz hesitantly shook his hand, the action lasting a brief second before he turned to walk back down the boardwalk. "She's bin a bit shaken these past days Mister!" Hassan called out, making Kaz stop. "Can yeh make sure she's okay?"

Kaz didn't reply before he continued on his way, limping down towards the Government District, where the Van Eck Mansion stood tall and proud in one of the city's wealthier streets. But by the time he climbed the stairs to the front down, his hand hovering inches above the door knocker, he suddenly became aware that he had no idea what he was going to say. What was he doing here?

But before he could retreat back to the Slat, the door opened, revealing Wylan and Jesper, both looking like they were heading out for a midday walk. "Kaz!" Wylan exclaimed, surprised to see him there. Kaz had to admit, he didn't usually visit the Van Eck Mansion as much as he should. Jesper looked Kaz up and down, linking arms with Wylan and stepping out of the doorway. "Inej is in the dining hall," he said, already guessing why he'd decided to drop by out of the blue. "Second floor, first door on your right."

"I'm sure you remember where it is," Wylan added with a slight grin. Kaz recalled the time he and Wylan had fallen through the roof of the dining hall, landing straight onto the table during one of Van Eck's dinner parties. He nodded, waiting for the two of them to walk past him and begin their stroll down the sunny street. As soon as they turned the corner, he allowed himself inside.

The mansion was practically empty, except for the occasional maid that'd rush by, carrying dusters or newly ironed sheets. He made his way slowly up the stairs to the second floor. Taking each step one at a time, as if hoping that if he prolonged the confrontation long enough, it would never happen. But before he knew it he was standing outside the great dining hall, peeping through the crack between the half-open doors.

Inej was sitting at the far head of the table, her face turned to the window, eyes closed as the sun warmed her smooth, bronze skin. He looked tired. Kaz didn't miss the heavy bags hanging beneath her eyes, and she looked a little paler. He couldn't do this. Kaz took a cowardly step back, but a maid, carrying a tray of food, pushed past him. Inej's gaze turned to the now fully opened door, freezing when she caught sight of Kaz, standing perfectly still behind it. There was no backing out now...

"Your breakfast Miss," the maid hummed, setting the tray down in front of Inej.

"Thank you." The sea captain smiled, but Kaz caught her pushing the tray away slightly when the maid turned to leave. As if the potent smell of greasy bacon and eggs was too much for her. 

When they were finally alone, she met Kaz's gaze again. Kaz saw the same fear in those eyes that he'd seen when she'd visited him in the Slat, but now there was something cold in them too. He instantly recognised the look of someone rebuilding their walls so as to not be hurt again. Inej was protecting herself because she no longer trusted him- no longer believed in him. Had he missed his chance? Was it too late to make amends?

"Come in Kaz," she murmured, beckoning to him to enter.

Kaz limped till he was standing at the opposite end of the table to Inej, who stared at him without ever breaking eye contact. "Not hungry?" He guessed it was most likely a pregnancy thing. When would the morning sickness start? He hated the thought of Inej suffering like that-

"Why are you here Kaz?" Inej asked, leaning forward to grab a piece of toast from her plate to nibble on. She didn't want him here as much as he himself didn't want to be here. "Your first mate asked me to check up on you." It wasn't a complete lie.

Inej nodded. "Well, you can tell Hassan that I'll be fine. And while you're at it, you might as well inform him that he should start looking for a new captain here in Ketterdam."

Kaz straightened, his heart giving an offbeat thump. "You're staying in Ketterdam?"

Inej nodded, staring at her toast with discontent. "I am. Wylan has kindly offered to house me here in the Van Eck Manor for as long as I need." She glanced up at him then from under her long eyelashes. "That's not going to be a problem, is it?" She asked sharply.

Kaz placed both hands on his cane, staring at them, jaw clenched. "So, you've decided to keep it then?"

"I... I don't know." Inej leaned back in her seat, looking almost a little defeated. "I haven't decided yet." Kaz refrained from wincing. The hate in her voice was almost unbearable to hear, but he knew she was attempting to stir something in him. As usual, she was trying to find the good man she claimed she saw in him. "Inej, I... I'm sorry."

The words caught both of them off guard. But Inej quickly stilled herself, leaning back in her chair again, arms laying on her lap. "For what?"

"For what happened the other night."

Inej glared at him, raising a slim eyebrow. "So?"

"So?" Kaz replied, confused.

"So what? You're sorry. Fine. Be sorry," she snapped. "Is that all, or can I return to my breakfast?" She gestured a tense hand to her barely touched meal.

Kaz almost said something else, but then just nodded slightly and turned towards the door. But he was unable to bring himself to take another step forward. He faced her again. "You understand why this is dangerous, right? For both of us." Inej's stare continued to hold little kindness towards him, but Kaz continued. "If you go through with this and keep it, and people find out I... We'll be just as vulnerable as Pekka Rollins was when I-"

"You don't think I know that!" Inej rose from her chair, hands slamming palms flat on the table as she leaned in towards Kaz. "Saints Kaz! I grew up in this city too! I know the dangers. But is that all that really matters to you? Are you so terrified of losing your power that you're actually willing to abandon your own child just to keep it?"

"You have no idea how hard or how long I have been working towards this!" Kaz took a firm step forward, a vicious look in his eye. "How many bones I've broken to get to where I am today. How many hours I've sacrificed in order to reshape this city into the kingdom it is now!" He didn't mean to lash out at her, but now that he'd started it was impossible to stop. She had to understand the position he was in. "I will not allow this hindrance to take away what I've spent years working to obtain!"

"A hindrance?" Inej's voice was barely a whisper and Kaz instantly regretted his words. Her hands seemed to instinctively touch her stomach as she stepped back. "Is that really all it is to you? A hindrance? A burden?" She asked, her voice growing louder and colder as she spoke. "An obstacle? A setback in your master plan?!" Her words rung out inside the empty dining hall and Kaz was relieved that Wylan and Jesper weren't here to witness this.

He swallowed hard, eyes glancing to the floor as he struggled to put together words. "It'd be better for both of us if you just-" He stopped as his voice caught in his throat.

"If I just what Kaz?" Inej's eyes narrowed. 

"If..." Kaz swallowed again, adam's apple bobbing. "If you gave it up." Despite having considered it herself, Inej flinched back in shock. As if to hear the words come from his lips terrified her. She looked at him with pure disgust. "You don't mean that," she murmured, using one hand to grip her chair to balance herself. Her eyes narrowed again, digging into his to uncover something hidden behind them. "No, you don't mean that," she repeated, sounding more sure this time.

"And why wouldn't I mean it? You said it yourself Inej, you grew up in this city. You know its dangers!"

"And I also know what it's like to be stripped away from your family!" Silence fell like a veil around them, and for a while, the only sound Kaz could hear was his own rapid heartbeat. Inej's bottom lip quivered slightly as she continued to speak. "I want my child to live the life I didn't. To have the family I didn't. But to do that... I need you, Kaz." She took a step forward, making her way slowly around the table towards him. Kaz's eyes tracked her every graceful move until she was standing less than a foot away from him. Her eyes begged him to stay. But Kaz stepped back.

"I can't give you what you need," he murmured into the short space between them. "I never could." Inej's expression was disappointed, but not at all surprised. He wished she understood. He wished he could muster the bravery to tell her that he was doing this for her own good. That by refusing to be in his child's life, he was protecting them both from his enemies, and more importantly, himself.

He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, but the words felt tangled in his throat. All he could get himself to do was step away. Turning his back on Inej was among one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. But he made his way to do the door, cane snapping against the marble floor.

Chapter Text

⤜ Breaking Point ⤛

Outside the rain was pelting onto the muddy streets of Ketterdam. Heavy winds were sending street stalls flying. Grey clouds smothered the midday sun, and the sound of water hitting the roof of the Flat was painstakingly loud as Kaz struggled to think.

In one hand he gripped his glass, watching the alcoholic liquid slosh against the sides, while the other rested on his forehead, where lines were beginning to appear. "I don't understand why you can't take care of this, Rotty." Kaz snapped, taking a long sip and staring out the window, but it was impossible to see anything through the storm.

"They're demanding to meet with you Boss," the bruiser replied gruffly. By 'they' he of course meant the loyal, but sad remains of the once-notorious Dime Lions, who still lurked in the street and were becoming a real nuisance to Kaz. He may have sent their leader packing, but there were still those who'd sworn revenge on Kaz for stripping them of the power they'd gotten so fat on. "Well, they're not in any position to make demands, are they?"

Rotty twisted his hat in his hands as he stood dripping in the doorway. "No Boss, but they're refusing everyone entrance to the Fifth Harbour. They've made a blockade and everything! Our men are nearby awaiting your orders."

"The Stadwatch will take care of it," Kaz sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Wincing against the stinging headache starting to form in his right temple. "Tell them all to return to the Slat. This should all sort itself out by morning."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Then we'll have no choice but to play our hand."

"But Boss-"

"Go," he hissed.

Rotty was a loyal soul, a real hard worker, but like the rest of the Dregs, he was on edge. And he didn't blame him. Things were beginning to get tense around The Barrel. Pekka had more supporters hiding in the shadows than he'd thought. He hoped the Stadwatch would take some action and defuse the situation tonight, so as to save him the trouble of doing it himself.

Kaz looked up to the window again, staring not through it but at his own reflection. He looked terrible.

His hair was askew. There were dark rings hanging beneath his eyes. Every part of him looked tense and restless. He tried straightening his vest and ran his fingers thoroughly through his hair, but it did little to help. He was a mess and he needed to get his head straight. He needed sleep. But there was no time, and Kaz had been struggling to catch his breath for a while now. Relax was no longer a word in his vocabulary, especially when his mind was in two places at once.

He turned back to his desk, where a map of the city laid spread out before him. His eyes rested upon the Government District, roughly where the old Van Eck mansion still stood. Where Inej was still waiting for him. Or maybe not. Perhaps she'd moved on... It'd been so long since he'd last seen her. Nine months to be precise. Yet not a single moment had gone by that he hadn't been secretly thinking of her. Of how they'd left things. How he'd left things. He could still recall the broken look on Inej's face when he'd left her... again. It haunted him every time he closed his eyes. The guilt was enough to turn the sweet rum in his glass bitter.

He slammed it down upon the table, rubbing his temples as he released a low, bone-tired groan. She was due any time now, and he couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her any longer. He knew better than anyone the sting of loneliness and betray.

But she wanted to keep the child... and he guessed that was her decision to make. He mightn't agree with it, but he would make sure her wishes were fulfilled. He would make sure she was safe. From the shadows, he would be her secret protector. Ensuring that no harm befell her way. So she could live the normal, content life she so desperately deserved, without him holding her back. So long as no one found out...

'I need you, Kaz'. Those had been her last words to him before he'd turned his back on her. Before he'd succumbed to his own selfish fears and shut her out. Kaz gritted his teeth and sank into his chair, closing his eyes.

It was like he was stuck in an infinite loop, where he would find himself drawn to her, like a moth drawn to a flame. But as soon as she would open herself up to him, as soon as she asked for more than he was willing to give, he'd recoil. But he didn't want her last memory of him to be him shunning her. He wanted her to know that he was prepared to be her hidden crutch, should she ever need him. He was willing to step into the light for a few seconds, just for her.

He picked up his cane, coat and hat from his coat hanger, and that's when the door swung open. "For Saints' sake Rotty! I thought I told you to- Jesper."

Kaz observed his ex-gunslinger silently as he stood dripping in the doorframe, panting and staring at him wide-eyed. It took the Bastard of the Barrel less than a second to figure out why. Without saying a word, he shoved past Jesper, shrugging on his coat as he descended the stairs. Pain shot through his bad leg, but he gritted his teeth against. Eyes followed them both as they burst their way out through the Slat's door into the violent storm.

The lamps barely lit more than a metre of the dark street and Kaz shivered as freezing water trickled its way down his neck and back. Kaz waved a hand to stop an oncoming carriage, squinting his eyes through the rain and darkness. When it didn't slow down, he stepped out onto the road. The driver yelped as he pulled hard on his reigns, his horses stopping bare inches from Kaz's face. "Are you crazy?" He shouted.

Kaz didn't reply as he pulled open the carriage door, beckoning for Jesper to get inside. "Take us to the Government District!"

"Sorry, Sir," the driver huffed, "but I've finished work for the day. You're going to have to find another-" His words were cut off as Kaz threw a heavy stack of kruge onto the driver's lap. He stared at it, mouth gaping before slipping it away into his coat pocket. "The Government District did you say?" Kaz climbed in, taking a seat opposite Jesper and slamming the door shut behind him, hitting his fist against the carriage wall to hurry the driver.

The carriage heaved and rocked as the driver steered it away from the Slat. "How long ago was it?" Kaz asked, peeking through the curtains and trying to figure out the pace they were making.

Jesper was shaking from the cold, looking flustered as he rubbed his hands together. "Her water broke an hour ago and the doctor arrived just as I was leaving to find you."

Kaz glanced back at him. "Why'd you come for me? No doubt Inej told you what happened."

"Yeah, she did," he said, voice still shaking as he attempted to dry himself. "But she'd want you to be there, and I thought you might... Wylan insisted I at least tell you. You know, in case you wanted to..." Kaz nodded and Jesper cleared his throat, adjusting himself in his seat. The carriage ride was completely silent until it drew to a stop. Kaz flung himself out the door, clambering up the steps to the Van Eck mansion.

He didn't bother to knock as he forced his way inside. A butler, carrying hot water and towel, turned in surprise, eyes widening at the sight of Kaz soaking and tracking mud onto the designer carpet. "Excuse me, Sir!" The butler stepped in Kaz's path, stopping him. "I must ask that you-" A high, blood-curdling cry broke his words and all eyes shifted to the staircase at the opposite end of the hall. Kaz tried to move around him, but the butler was not having it. "Out of my way!" Kaz growled.

"Sir, now is not the best time. If you would please-"

"Save your breath Henric," an oddly familiar voice called from the top of the stairs. "When Kaz Brekker wants something, no one can stop him. Trust me, I've tried." Nina flashed a pearly smile at them all, deceased the stairs with little grace nor poise. The last time Kaz had seen the Corporalnik, she'd been preparing to board a ship to Fjerda with Matthias' cold body. Guess she must've completed her mission. She looked normal as she sauntered towards him, arms waving at her sides, the red skirt of her dress grazing the carpet, but the glint in her eyes had dimmed since the Fjerdan had passed. "Saints Kaz, you look awful!" She stated loudly. "When was the last time you slept?"

"Where's Inej?"

The Heartrender's smile faltered for the split of a second. "She didn't think you would come." Kaz's insides twisted, but he remained stone-faced until she finally sighed. "But she'll be glad to know you're here now. She's upstairs." Kaz was like a shadow as he whisked past her, shoulder knocking into Henric's with the same force as a pile of bricks.

Jesper stood beside Nina. "Inej told me you were coming. When d'you arrive?"

"Apparently a few minutes after you left." She stared up the stairs as Kaz ascended them, his black-coated form limping into the distance. Nina knew he was scared, even if he didn't show it. He was the same Kaz she remembered working with a year ago, and even though she couldn't feel a person's heartbeat anymore, she knew his was racing. She remembered back to that night on the ship, when they'd fled the Ice Court and she'd still been suffering from the effects of parem. When she'd heard every inhale, every heartbeat, every hard swallow he'd made in her presence. 

"I really didn't think he'd come," Jesper whispered, crossing his arms over his chest.

Nina smiled, listening to the Bastard's uneven footsteps as he reached the next floor. "I knew he would."

When Kaz finally reached Inej's room, Wylan was sitting outside in one of the hallway chairs, leaning forward with his fingers intertwined and his elbows resting on his knees. He'd been staring at the floor, but looked up at Kaz as he approached, his face stretched into the same surprised expression everyone else was wearing. It annoyed him, but he didn't blame them.

He'd spent years moulding himself into the heartless man of steel he was today, and yet here he was. Coming to see the woman he loves as she gives birth to his child. "Kaz, you came," Wylan said, rising to his feet.

"Obviously," he grumbled, his eyes locked on the door at the end of the hallway. His leg was still stinging from taking the stairs two at a time, and he wanted nothing more than to collapse into one of the plush armchairs that were calling out to him. But then she heard her scream slipping from beneath the crack under the door. Kaz realised he'd never heard Inej scream before. He'd heard her laugh, shout and cry, but this was a new sound, a violent sound that sliced into his chest like one of her knives. Wylan winced, hands clenching into fists at his sides. "The doctor's in there now."

The door suddenly swung open and a man, supposedly to doctor, peered out into the hallway. "Mr Van Eck, where are those towels?" He demanded.

"I'll go check on them!" The merchling dashed down the hall, leaving the doctor to turn his gaze to Kaz, standing still in his dark coat and fedora, both hands resting on the head of his cane. "Are you the father? I heard someone was sent to get you."

There it was. The 'F' word. It felt weird to hear out loud, and suddenly he was reminded of what exactly was happening in the next room. Sometime in the next few hours, or maybe even minutes, he was going to be a father. Kaz's father had died in a ploughing accident. He'd been nine at the time. But he'd had Jordie, until he too had been taken from him. Many times, Kaz had wondered whether things would've been better if his brother had just never existed. He would never have taken him to Ketterdam and they would never have become victims of Pekka Rollin's scams. Perhaps there was a chance his father mightn't have died either. But those were the kind of thoughts that drove men mad.

"I am," Kaz replied, the words almost catching in his throat.

The doctor looked him briefly up and down, noticing the cane in his gloved hands. "Were you born with that?" He asked, pointing his finger at Kaz's bad leg. There were many rumours circulating about the allusive Dirtyhands. Rumours about his limp, his past, his gloves. Usually, he didn't like to confirm them. Better to have them see him as something other than what they were. Not man, but monster. But the concerned look in the doctor's eye and his haste to find out why it was important convinced him to reply truthfully. "No."

"Good," the doctor sighed. "That means there's more chance the baby will be healthy when it arrives." Kaz's jaw clenched. This was really happening. It was too soon! He wasn't ready. How could he be? This wasn't meant to happen. It was never supposed to be this way. The doctor glanced back over his shoulder as Inej's cry flooded out into the hallway. Kaz was glad he turned so no one saw how hard he flinched at the sound. His heart was banging against his ribs and instinct made him take a half-step forward. "Not much longer now," the doctor said. "If you want to come in, come in. But if not, wait out here." The door shut with a firm click, leaving Kaz to stare at the door handle alone.

Everything was going too fast. The whole world was spinning off its axis. This was all wrong. He felt sick. This wasn't the life meant for someone like him. He couldn't stay here, he had to leave- No, not this time. He'd made a promise to himself before leaving the Slat that he would be here. He wouldn't leave again. Kaz Brekker didn't run from anything. Not even this.

Forcing his hand to stop shaking, Kaz reached out to twist the door handle. The room was stuffy and warm, with the windows closed to keep the rain and wind out. Kaz's face, already pale from the lack of recent sunlight, went ghost white as he caught sight of Inej, sitting propped up on the bed, drenched head-to-toe in her own sweat, her mouth open as she inhaled and exhaled heavily, her eyes sealed to shut out the pain.

The doctor was standing beside her, rifling through his bag of instruments. He turned to Kaz as he entered, swinging back around to his patient. "Ah look! I told you he was here," he said, offering Inej a kind, well-rehearsed smile.

Inej's eyes opened, staring at Kaz standing by the door, looking out of place and on edge. It hurt how surprised she looked to see him. She really hadn't thought he'd show, had she? "Kaz?" She looked so vulnerable lying there, her eyes sunken, her hair loose from its usual braid and tangled behind her head. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for you." Kaz still didn't understand why after all these years, the words were so hard to speak. "I'm here for you," he repeated. Inej's breaths calmed, and the hint of what could possibly be a smile graced her lips, but then her body tensed and she was screaming again, fingers gripping the bedsheets. Kaz wanted to run to her. Hold her near. Tell her it would be alright. But he couldn't. He just... couldn't. Instead, he limped to her side.

"It's time," the doctor announced, glancing Kaz's way. "It won't be pretty, so now's your last chance to stay or go." Kaz stayed rooted to the spot. The doctor nodded. Inej looked up at Kaz, offering a pure, genuine smile despite all the pain she was in. He hadn't seen that smile for months. But it was brief as she squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth.

Her hand instinctively shot out to take Kaz's, fingers wrapping around the firm fabric before she realised what she'd done. She tried slipping her hand out, but Kaz stopped it, intertwining her fingers with his. Her grip was painfully tight, but Kaz refused to let go.

Jesper leaned forward, resting his elbow on the keys of the grand piano. The notes clashed violently against one another as he did. He wasn't much of a pianist, but he'd heard Wylan play and he wasn't half bad. With one finger, Jesper tapped a high C, sighing. "What do you think's taking so long?" He asked, turning around to the others.

Nina was leaning back in one of the armchairs, helping herself to the fruit bowl in her lap. "Labour takes time Jesper," she said, rolling her eyes. 

"Yeah, but like... How long are we talking about here?" They'd been sitting in the downstairs living room for an hour and a half, trying to busy themselves. All too afraid to go upstairs in case something had gone wrong.

Nina shrugged. "Atleast a couple of hours."

"Okay, but how many exactly?" His heel was tapping the ground now and the sound echoed off the walls. In the distance, a grandfather clock chimed midnight.

"For saints' sake Jesper!" Nina rested the bowl down on the table beside her, thrusting her hands up in the air. "I don't know! I'm a Heartrender, not a goddamn nurse!" Now it was Jesper's turn to roll his eyes, but as he did, he caught sight of someone descending the stairs. He rose to his feet and the others quickly followed. The doctor was carrying his bag, adjusting his coat as he headed for the door. "What happened? Is Inej alright?" Jesper demanded, stepping in his way.

To all the relief, the doctor smiled. "Don't worry. Everything went smoothly. She and the babies are safe."

"Wait." Nina held up a hand to stop him. "Babies?"

Inej was lying in her bed, her eyes closed from exhaustion, her hair clinging to her hot forehead. No doubt she was still recovering, but she was smiling as she cradled the tiny bundle of cloth close to her chest. The baby, a little girl, rested quietly in the curve of her mother's arms, Inej's hand supporting her tiny head. The babe had been sleeping peacefully for the last half an hour. At first, Kaz had been afraid something was wrong. She was so quiet. But the doctor had assured him that it wasn't entirely unusual. "Some babies cry. Some don't." He watched them both silently from the far side of the room. Her touch carried more care than he'd ever seen her give as she held the newborn, stroking the small strands of hair from her forehead. Kaz recognised the gentleness of a mother's touch. She was going to be good at this.

Turning to the window, Kaz caught sight of the harbour in the distance. The storm had cleared, the clouds breaking to allow the moon to shine through the fine glass. The slight rustle of movement caused him to look down into his arms, where an identical bundle was wriggling uncomfortably. Unlike his sister, the little boy was wide awake, making little high-pitched noises as he stared wide-eyed at his new surroundings. His tiny hand was holding onto the hem of Kaz's sleeve between his limp fingers. How could a human ever be so small?

His gaze finally rested upon Kaz, staring at him like he was some sort of alien, his mouth slightly open to realise a strange sound. It was sudden and bright, and Kaz realised it was the start of a laugh. To his shock, a smile sneaked to his lips. There and then gone. The baby was hard to hold as he refused to stop wriggling, as though seeming to enjoy the sudden increase in space. Hesitantly, Kaz lifted his hand, touching his finger carefully to the soft skin of his cheek. He could feel his warmth, even through his gloves. But his hand retreated, along with the hint of another smile, as the door swung open and three figures came clambering in, one after the other.

"Awwww!" Nina squealed as she spotted Inej and the baby, and then continued to squeal when she caught sight of Kaz. "Twins!" She sat down beside Inej on the bed, staring down at the little girl, who was still lying fast asleep. "Oh, she's beautiful!" Inej smiled warmly, offering the newborn for Nina to hold.

As she did, Jesper walked over to Kaz, grinning at them both as Kaz struggled not to drop him. "He looks just like you." Kaz didn't respond. Didn't so much as nod even. But Jesper supposed that was just how Kaz was. Perhaps he was smiling on the inside? Or maybe he was still having second thoughts? It was impossible to tell sometimes. "What are their names?" Wylan piped up, sitting next to Nina on the bed. Jesper moved to join him.

Kaz glanced up. Inej had asked him earlier whether he would like to help pick names, but he'd told her she should do it. She deserved it. "The girl's name is Marya, and the boy is Petyr," she announced, eyelids drooping slightly.

Marya and Petyr. Both Saints' names. He should've guessed.

Sankta Marya was supposedly a suli saint who'd prevented a whole cave from collapsing to ensure her people reached the other side. While Sankt Petyr was a Ravkan saint, martyred after sacrificing himself to save his town from a demon. It was also the name of the first blade Kaz had gifted Inej on her first day at the Slat.

He nodded to her now, giving his approval as he continued to listen to Petyr's steady breaths. Inej leaned back against her pillows, groaning a bit. "Alright, let's give you time to rest," Nina giggled, jerking her head towards the others to leave. Kaz seated himself down at the windowsill, watching as Nina carried Marya outside, speaking to her in cute baby voices.

Inej sighed. Falling unconscious the second the door closed behind them.

Chapter Text

⤜ House of Cards ⤛

Kaz held his groan as he tried massaging his bad leg. Which he found was considerably harder to do in a saddle with one only hand holding the reins.

It was a half-hour ride from Ketterdam to the countryside, and although it was quicker to catch the ferry that sailed along the river, Kaz couldn't take the risk. At least on horseback, it was easier to spot if he was being followed. There were hundreds of barrel bosses who'd revel in the thought of knowing Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, and Bastard- now King of the Barrel had a weakness. Three of them. He couldn't risk putting his reputation on the line and their lives at risk. So for now, horseback would have to do. Through the darkness, Kaz spotted a light.

He tugged on his reins, directing his stallion towards the tiny stable, half-hidden against the edge of the woods. Once dismounted, he took the time to properly stretch his legs and wipe the traces of horse hair from his coat. The black thoroughbred, or Raven, as Inej had named him, snorted as Kaz left him in his stall and limped his way outside.

The nighttime gloom made it almost impossible to find the house, but with the help of the lamp flickering above the front door, Kaz was able to stumble his way inside. The country house- or more suitably, manor, had been a gift to Inej. A home away from home. A haven far from Ketterdam's shady alleyways, yet still close enough for him to visit whenever he could. Which wasn't that often.

He'd bought the manor over a year ago, intending on it becoming a safe house of sorts- in case he and his new crew had needed to lie low for a few weeks. Yet, in a way, it was still a safe house of sorts. It sheltered the family he'd somehow wound up with from the enemies he'd forged.

In the day, the manor was quaint. A tall brick building, covered in honeysuckle, tucked away off the beaten track, with a sturdy chimney, a wild garden, and a stable. Everything they could need. The insides were neat and spacious, with touches of Ketterdam flare here and there. Paintings of Fifth Harbour and the Crow Club hung in wide, gold frames. A line of sleek wooden crows, their wings spread wide, sat perched atop the mouth of the fireplace. The DeKappel painting he and Inej had once stolen hung proudly behind them.

The grand piano, which was brand new, was tucked against one corner, facing a wall of windows looking out towards the woods beyond. "I don't know how to play," Inej had said when he'd shown her, running her finger across the ivory keys, their gentle sound pinging off the glass. 

Truth was, Kaz had bought the instrument thinking Mayra and Petyr might someday learn to play. But he hadn't told Inej that. Instead, he'd said, "It's decoration. Every wealthy home has a piano no one plays. It reinforces status," which had made her smile.

Inside, everything was pitch black, but luckily Kaz knew his way to the stairs. Creeping through the dark and quiet, he felt around blindly for the railing. He hadn't meant to arrive so late, but work had forced him to stay behind an extra hour, and then another two. He tried to be quiet as he climbed the stairs, using the railing to heave himself up each agonizing step until he reached the second landing.

He passed Inej's door first, pausing for a split second, though he wasn't sure why. He limped past the twins' bedroom towards his own. A floorboard creaked as he reached for the handle, and a high-pitched sound echoed from behind. His first instinct was to feel for the small shucking knife hidden within his sleeve, but he quickly realized the sound was just crying. He froze, wincing at the noise, unsure what to do.

From the crack beneath her door, Kaz saw that Inej's light was still off. He waited for a second, hoping they would eventually turn on. When they didn't he sighed, exhausted, rubbing the space between his eyes and limping back to the twins' door.

Mayra and Petyr shared a room halfway between his and Inej's. Kaz had spent a while designing the room, yet he'd never stepped in it before. The cry become louder the second he pushed the door open and he quickly lit one of the table lamps, illuminating the room in a warm glow. The walls were a gentle blue, painted with soft clouds and the silhouettes of tiny birds soaring.

An oak wardrobe stood proudly to one side, a forest and little animals carved expertly in its front. Two glass doors, covered with white curtains to block out the sun, led to a balcony facing the back garden and the woods beyond. The twins' cots rested on either side of the room, and not to Kaz's surprise, it was Petyr who was crying.

Kaz hadn't spent as much time with the twins as he knew he should have, but he'd heard stories from Jesper and Nina. Twins' new Godfather and Godmother. In them, Petyr had always been described as a wriggler, while Marya was the silent onlooker of the two.

Leaving his cane by the door and shrugging off his coat, Kaz crossed the room towards the boy's cot. It'd been almost two weeks since Kaz had last held him in Inej's bedroom, and he was hesitant to do so again.

It shocked Kaz how out of place he felt, standing beside the cot and staring at the child. His child. He tried rocking the cot with his hand, hoping a few seconds of that would be enough. But a few minutes passed and Petyr was still refusing to sleep. 'What would Inej do?' He tried asking himself.

Kaz released a sigh that was more like a moan, and reached down into the cot, scooping Petyr and nestling him in the crook of his arm like he'd done last time. But even that didn't do anything.

What would Inej do? What would Inej do? What would Inej do?

Kaz knew what she'd do. She'd coddle him some more. Maybe even sing him a Suli lullaby or whisper him a bedtime story. Kaz didn't know any lullabies, and he couldn't think of any stories on the spot. His brow furrowed.

He wasn't cut out for this. He wasn't meant for this life! He was a nineteen-year-old father way out of his depth, with no idea what he was doing. He didn't belong here. 

Kaz barely remembered his own father and knew nothing of his mother, and he didn't spend enough time around other parents to know if he was doing something wrong. Like a card trick, this was something he'd have to figure out by himself. As always.

Strangely, there was something reassuring about that thought. It was true. Every sleight of hand trick he'd taught himself had taken time, practice, and patience to master. Why couldn't fatherhood be the same? Because he wasn't a father. Not really. Not in his heart. He didn't deserve them, and they didn't deserve to be stuck with him. A criminal. A demon. A father who could never touch them. But he had to try. If not for them, if not for himself, then for Inej.

He stopped rocking Petyr, resting him in one arm and pulling something from his pocket. In his gloved hand, Kaz held a single gold coin. He wafted it in front of the child's face and then, with the briefest flick of his fingers, the coin disappeared.

Petyr went silent, his clear blue eyes wide as he stared at Kaz's empty hand. He turned his head as far as he could, which wasn't very far, as if looking for it. The next minute, the coin reappeared between Kaz's fingers.

He opened his mouth and made a noise. Kaz winced, preparing himself for another round of tears and high-pitched wailing. But instead, he giggled, his hand reaching up towards the coin.

Kaz lowered his hand to give it to him, but at the last minute, it disappeared again. He displayed his hand to show it was gone. But one flick of the wrist later and Kaz had grabbed it out of thin air. Kaz watched Petyr, as if studying him, as he burst into another fit of giggles. He continued to perform tricks until eventually Petyr tired himself out and fell to sleep. Kaz gently lowered him back into his cot, watching him for a second longer before blowing out the light and shutting the door gently behind him.

When he reached his own room, Kaz fell heavily onto his bed,  closing his eyes and imagining Petyr and Marya sleeping peacefully together in their nursery. A picture of serenity and vulnerability. He tried to think of other things. About his rivals in Ketterdam. About the pile of work he had yet to complete. But his mind kept returning to the sound of Petyr's laughter, and the awe in his eyes as the coin had vanished like magic.

When was the last time he'd performed a trick, simply to entertain someone else? Kaz couldn't remember. 

Chapter Text

⤜ The Joy of Spring ⤛

Inej tilted her face to the sun, her bare legs stretched before her as she fiddled mindlessly with the hem of her dress. It felt odd to not wear the usual fitted, tight clothes she'd grown so used to, but she had no use for them now. Nor her knives, which were all put to rest in a box at the back of her bedroom drawer.

A fresh glass of lemonade resting lazily beside her as she took in the sounds of nature. Bird chirping. The wind whistled through green branches. The grass hissing softly. Raven grazing in the field. But the peaceful serenity was disturbed by a far-off giggle. Inej opened one umbre eye, glancing sideways towards the two shadows, half-hidden within the tall graze.

Her lip quirked up slightly and she closed her eye as the sound of footsteps drew closer... and closer... and- "RAAAAHHHRRRR!" She cried, jumping to her feet. The shadows screamed, running off in different directions. But Inej flew after them, snatching one of them up in her arms and tossing her in the air. Mayra squealed, fighting to free herself as Inej roared. "Who dares try to sneak up on the Wraith!" 

"Let go!" Marya giggled, kicking and pushing.

"No! I eat naughty children like you for breakfast!" Inej lowered her head, pushing her face in Marya's tummy. Mayra screamed with laughter. Then, out of nowhere, Petyr came hurtling towards them. "Release my sister!" He cried as he flung himself at Inej's legs, sending them all toppling over in a tangled heap. They laid there together in the grass, gasping for breath, their bodies shaking with laughter.

Inej eventually pushed herself to her feet, wiping dirt from her skirt. "Oh, you kids are going to be the death of me!" She said, shaking her head, still breathing heavily.

"You're so loud!" Petyr called back at Marya, running ahead of Inej and falling onto their picnic blanket. Inej had taken them out for the day. A little trip to signify their last day together before they started attending school. Technically they should've started years ago, but Inej had wanted to home-school them instead. But now that they were nine years old, Inej knew it was time she sent them to school with the other kids. Besides, the two were growing increasingly restless at home and Inej needed some time to herself every now and then. 

"I'm not!" Marya shouted, clenching her fists and jumping on top of Petyr, who didn't roll away in time. "You're loud and clumsy!" Petyr struggled to push her off, but Mayra had him pinned.

"Yeah? Well you're stupid!"

"Hey!" Inej spoke up, snapping her fingers sharply. "That's enough of that. Marya, get off your brother." Marya groaned, rolling off Petyr who gave an overdramatic gasp for air. Marya slapped him lightly, rolling her eyes. Petyr frowned, lightly slapping her back. "Petyr," Inej warned.

He gave her an innocent look as he replied, "What?"

Inej laid back down, unable to conceal her smile. Every day Petyr reminded her more and more of her own brother. He too had been unable to stay still for more than a few seconds. Yet as Marya ran off to play, Petyr remained by her side, sitting on the mat, looking lost in thought. It was rare Inej ever saw him like this. Petyr had always been that 'do something without thinking, then regret it later' kind of kid, leaving room for Marya to be the quiet and cautious one of the two. That being said, she too had a reputation for getting herself into trouble. But unlike Petyr, she was smart enough to avoid getting caught... most times. Inej supposed she was like Kaz in that way. "Everything alright, baby?" She asked, pushing herself up to sit beside her son.

"I wish Dad was here," he mumbled quietly. The sadness in his eyes as he uttered those words could've melted the coldest of hearts, and Inej felt her own give a painful jolt. "Why doesn't he visit much?" He asked as Inej wrapped one slender arm around him, drawing him closer.

"He's just really busy sweetie," she whispered, running her fingers through his inky hair, that really deserved a trim by now. 

"He's always busy." The truth in those words rung loud and clear in the silence between them. Petyr leaned his head into Inej's lap as she continued to stroke his hair, watching as the wind whisked through the long strands of grass. "Well," Inej spoke softly, "your father has a really important job to take care of, Petyr. Lots of people rely on him, and it's his job to keep them all safe. Us too."

"What do you mean?" Petyr glanced up at her, his eyes wide. He had the most beautiful eyes. A soft, gentle blue, which was unusual for Suli eyes. "Aren't we safe?"

"Of course we are. I just meant that he works really hard for us. And that requires him to stay in the city most days." She kissed his forehead lightly.

"Why can't we just live in the city with him?"

"It's complicated honey," she said, kissing his forehead lightly. "Besides, if we lived in the city, we wouldn't get to do things like this." She gestured to the fields of grass around them. Petyr looked with her, but his face never changed expression. He began to pick at the pieces of grass at the edge of the mat, mindlessly tearing them from the ground. "I wish he was here," he sighed again.

Inej did a gentle action of running her finger slowly down his forehead, something she found always calmed them. Petyr closed his eyes, shifting ever so slightly in her lap. "He'll be back, soon. You'll see." Inej watched as the sun touched Petyr's skin, giving it a friendly glow. Both the twins had the same warm skin tones, though they were lighter than the traditional bronze Suli complexion, and night-black hair.

Inej rose her face to the sky, closing her eyes and feeling the sun. She had to admit, she missed the sea. The continual rock of the waves. The scent of salt and spray in the air. The creak of the ship. The cries of the gulls overhead. Maybe one day she would return to her beloved Wraith, but for now, she'd continue to savour these moments. Like the wind, they came and went, and something in her gut told her that they would become fewer... which only made them more precious.

Chapter Text

⤜ To Start Anew ⤛

A school bell rang, hard and sudden. The pitter-patter of children's feet could be heard as bodies pushed and shoved through the open doors. Teachers were herding students inside, trying to shout over the top of them. Marya observed it all silently from the open school gates. She'd never seen so many children in one place. Hell, she'd never seen so many children in her entire life. One of the perks of living out of town she guessed.

The school was small- at least that's what her mother had said. But Marya couldn't help but feel minuscule standing in the shadow of the tall brick building, staring up at it with wide, curious eyes.

Behind her, Inej was nervously fiddling with the strap of Petyr's bag. "Now if you're still hungry I've packed an emergency sandwich in each of your bags." Petyr didn't seem to hear her as he too stared at the school, then down at his feet.

"Do you have to go?" He murmured, kicking a loose stone on the path, scuffing the toe of his shoe. Inej raised a hand to touch his cheek, kissing his forehead lightly. "It's just for a couple of hours." She glided over to Marya and started fiddling with her own strap, though it didn't really need adjusting. "Take care of each other," she said, smiling as she tucked a long strand of hair behind her daughter's ear, "and don't be afraid to make some friends." Mayra nodded, giving a small smile.

"Come here." Inej beckoned to Petyr, smothering them both in a giant bear hug. "I'll be picking you up after school," she murmured. "Make sure you wait for me by the gates."

"We will," Mayra's muffled voice came from somewhere within her mother's embrace. Inej gave one last squeeze before finally letting them go, ignoring the tears in her eyes as she mounted the small cart. One last wave and she flicked the reigns.

Marya glanced at Petyr, who refused to move until their mother's cart was completely out of sight. He looked so unsure as he turned to face the school again, gripping his bag so hard his knuckles turned white. "Coming?" She said, offering her hand to him. He nodded, taking it and falling into step beside her.

Marya stared into the classroom and one word came to mind.

Chaos. Absolute, utter chaos.

The room itself wasn't very impressive. A simple classroom with yellow-ish-white walls, graffitied desks, a dusty chalkboard, and an old bookshelf, the books of which were all ruined and beyond use. A few inspirational posters dotted the walls. Things like, 'It's never too late to try something new' and 'There's no 'I' in team', written above the drawings of smiling children. Marya almost rolled her eyes at them. As if she didn't get enough of that from her mum.

But despite its dull first impression, the classroom was alive with the commotion of the fourth years. Shouting over the top of each other. Sitting on top of their desks. Chasing each other around the room with no present teacher to stop them.

A few girls were glancing her way, eyebrows raised, lips curled into wicked smiles as they giggled and whispered to one another. It took Marya only a few seconds to realise that they weren't looking at her, but at her brother. She glanced mindlessly over her shoulder to see him hovering behind her in the doorframe, looking pale and ready to piss himself.

Stifling a groan, she grabbed his hand yanking him into the classroom. "Relax, won't you?" He didn't. She took a seat at the front of the class, swallowing her pride and frustration when he slowly lowered himself down into the desk beside her.

She'd only just begun to look into her bag when she heard a loud clatter followed by the hissing rustle of paper. Turning back quickly she found Petyr frozen in his place, his hands gripping onto his bag awkwardly, his face stuck in a wince as he stared at the mess of paper and pencils scattered below his desk. Now the rest of the class was watching him, leaning over to whisper in their friend's ear as he fell to his hands and knees, scooping and stuffing the paper frantically back into his bag.

"Saints Petyr," Mayra muttered under her breath, crouching down on the floor beside him. "Mother of saints Pete," she grumbled after a minute. "How much paper did you pack?" Petyr, who before had been ghostly white, was now burning red beside her. "I wanted to be prepared," he mumbled, his head tucked slightly into his chest to avoid the eyes observing his every move.

At that moment, to Marya's relief, the teacher finally entered the classroom, clapping her hands together and starting to write hastily upon the board. "Everyone take a seat! Good morning Year Fours!" Marya climbed back into her seat quickly, smoothing out her skirt and shooting glares at any of the students who dared to still stare at her. The teacher either didn't notice or didn't care to acknowledge the obvious disruption of her class and continued to write her name on the chalkboard. "I'm Ms Lazuras and I'll be your teacher for the next four semesters. So good luck." A soft breeze of laughter wafted through the class but was quickly dismissed by a wave of the teacher's hand. "Now a few of you may have noticed we have two new faces with us this year."

Mayra couldn't stop herself from glancing over at Petyr, who was practically melting in his seat as the teacher beckoned for them both to stand. Somehow he was able to muster the strength to do so- much to Marya's relief.

"Everyone please give a warm welcome to Marya and Petyr Ghafa." Not so much as a quiet murmur could be heard within the silence, and Marya took that as the opportunity for her to sit back down. But before Petyr could follow her lead, a boy shouted at him from somewhere in the back, "Paperboy!"

And thus, Petyr earnt the name that would follow him until the day he graduated... and after. It didn't help that in a few years' time, his first job would be to deliver newspapers.

Marya's head had never whipped around so fast, but she was able to catch the eye of the boy who'd shouted. He was a redhead, with pale skin and freckles across his nose. He was high-fiving a friend of his, a dark-skinned boy with a shaven head, and smiling at her. Lips parted to give in a cruel laugh that the others joined in on. Her eyes sharpened and she didn't miss the flash of confusion that touched his face for the breath of a second before she turned back around. "Ignore them," she whispered to Petyr, who did acknowledge her and stared at his lap.

"Alright, alright, that's enough," the teacher called, trying to diffuse the situation. "Now open up your notebooks and prepare to write." There was the crackling of paper and Petyr slowly drew a crinkled sheet from his bag. Another echo of giggling was heard and Marya's hand tightened so hard around her pencil she knew only one more squeeze would snap it.

"Now," Ms Lazura began, "who here can tell me what a verb is?"

"What do you mean she's skipping a year?!" Petyr's fists slammed down hard on the tabletop, causing a glass of water to spill. Inej's hand reached out to catch it, snatching up a napkin to quickly wipe away the mess. "Petyr! We do not hit the table!"

"It means they're moving me from the fourth grade to the fifth, dumbass!" Marya retorted, crossing her arms offendedly. "You know? With the other smart kids."

"Marya, no bad language at the ta-" Inej demanded, then flung herself forward to catch a glass before Petyr's elbow knocked it. 

"I'm not saying you're not smart!" Petyr shouted over the table at Marya, his voice hard but his expression softening. "But why would you want to move to the fifth? I thought you were enjoying year four."

Marya straightened in her seat, raising her head slightly. "As a matter of fact, I found it boring today."

"Boring?" He repeated, knocking his plate off the table, sending Inej scrambling under to grab it.

"Yes, boring." Marya huffed, setting down her cutlery hard on the table. "I learnt nothing I didn't already know and met no one worth staying for. You're just jealous."

Petry's mouth hung open like a fish's before he finally erupted. "Jealous?!"

"Yes, jealous. Admit it, you only want me to stay so I can be your bodyguard."

The table shook as Inej's head collided with it and she immerged a few seconds later, massaging her scalp. "Hold on, what's this about bodyguards?" She looked over at Petyr. "Did something happen at school today? Did someone hurt you?"

"It's nothing." Petyr rested his cheek on his hand, picking furiously at the white tablecloth as a sudden air of quiet fell over the table, so thin you could poke it with a knife. "Ignore her."

Inej waited, but when it seemed clear that he wasn't going to give her an answer, she looked to Marya- who wasted no time opening her mouth. "Petyr got picked on in class today."

Inej's eyes flew wide. "What!?!"

"I told you not to tell her!" Petyr gasped, glaring at Marya who simply began cutting her meat into thin slices.

"Oops," she murmured with a smirk. "Sorry, Paperboy." Petyr's glare was so dark it could've sent Volca running.

"Who was picking on you?" Inej asked, leaning forward to touch her son's hand, but he flinched it away from her.

"No one. I told you, it was nothing."

"Do I need to talk to the principal?"

"NO!!!"

"Why not?

"'Cause I told you, it was nothing!!!"

The sound of the front door opening broke the shouting and everyone froze in their seats as Kaz entered the room, carrying a briefcase and shrugging off his coat. He froze as he caught the looks everyone was giving each other. "What's going on?" He asked. But he was met only by silence and the sound of Petyr's chair scrapping as he ran from the room. Kaz stepped out of his way, confused as he glanced back at Inej, who was already chasing after him.

Marya's eyes didn't stray from her plate as she casually continued to eat alone, as if today was just another ordinary Monday in the Ghafa household. "What's wrong with your brother?"

Her voice was muffled by the food in her mouth, but if there was anything Kaz had learnt after becoming a father, it was how to translate such speaking. "Petyr's getting picked on at school and I'm getting moved to the fifth grade." The quiet that followed was deafening.

"Oh."

Chapter Text

⤜ Whispers in Silent Hallways ⤛

Inej hadn't come down since she'd gone after Petyr and Kaz hadn't been much company after she'd left.

Marya had watched him discontentedly as he shrugged off his coat, hanging it by the door with his hat and limped past her to the stairs, stopping only briefly- as if hesitating.

She listened to the rhythmic thump of his cane against the wood, running her fork around her empty plate. After a while, she stood up, grabbing the books from her school bag as she plonked herself onto the couch, face illuminated by the warm glow from the crackling fire. She sorted through the small pile of books, taking the chance to catch up to her new classmates- or even better, surpass them.

She pulled out her poetry book and idly tossed it aside. She'd never understood her mother's fancy with that sort of stuff. Instead, Marya cracked open a science book, frowning when it contained more pictures than she'd hoped for. But as she reached her tenth page, she couldn't help her eyes from occasionally wandering to the ceiling above.

She disliked the silence. It wasn't natural in their household. Not with Petyr around.

Usually, by now, he'd be pulling on her sleeve, nagging her to come and play, then force her to think of some new game they hadn't tried before.

"Go count the grass outside or something," she'd snort. But that'd only worked once, and it'd been a blissful thirty minutes before he'd returned, knees and hands smeared in dirt and a grubby scowl on his face. Marya had laughed. Even more so when Inej shouted from the hallway, "Whose muddy footprints are these?" 

A few times, she'd tricked him into playing a game of hide-and-seek, leaving him curled up inside the upstairs wardrobe, or under their dad's bed for almost an hour before he'd eventually caught on.

Marya rolled her eyes, snickering a bit. She glanced up again, biting her lip. With a heavy, and almost exasperated, sigh, she tossed her book away and thumped her way to the stairs, rubbing a tired eye. Her and Petyr's door was closed shut, but Inej's wasn't, and as Marya crossed the hall, she couldn't help from hearing whispers. There were just out of earshot, so Marya pressed herself against the wall, creeping towards the half-open door. Walking on the balls of her feet, just like her mum had shown her, avoiding the squeakiest floorboards as she drifted closer. And closer. Finally, she could make out Kaz's voice, whispering in the low light. 

It was odd to watch them together now. Her father, speaking with such care- or as much as he usually gave -yet standing so far from Inej, whose arms hugged herself as if no one else would. Marya noticed he always stood far from her when things got like this. It hadn't struck her as odd before. But after her first day at school, it'd become almost all she could think about.

A father had been waiting to pick up his son from school that afternoon. The little boy shouted when he spotted him, shoving his way through the class, all smiles and giggles. But it'd been when he'd jumped into his father's arms that'd made Petyr sit bolt upright beside her. The father and son had embraced for so long, it'd left both the twins feeling uncomfortable.

She knew it'd been eating Petyr up all afternoon. And for some reason, she'd decided not to bring it up at dinner.

"Paperboy," Inej whispered aloud as if trying to understand the word. "Paperboy? It's not even that clever!" Kaz stood still as a shadow, still dressed in his Ketterdam suit- which was very out of place in the countryside. "What do I do Kaz?" She asked. "He's all alone now. What with Marya skipping the year." Kaz didn't say anything. Just sat down on the edge of the bed, stretching out his bad leg and watching Inej as she paced to the window, staring out at the dark. Inej put a hand to her head, eyes closing in thought. "Maybe I should just pull him out and homeschool him again."

Kaz snorted, the first real sound he'd made in a while. Inej turned on him. "What?"

"You're overreacting." Now it was her job to snort. "It's his first day. And it's about time he grew a backbone."

"He's not like you Kaz!" Inej exclaimed, loud enough to make even Marya jump. "Marya, maybe. But not Petyr. He's different Kaz. He isn't like you and me."

Marya leaned back a bit as Kaz glanced at the door. For a second she thought he'd seen her, but after a few seconds, he just sighed. "What do you want me to say Inej?" Glancing through the crack in the door again, she saw Inej watching Kaz who just stared at his feet. They looked so lost. "You said it. He's not me. So what do you expect me to do?" Inej sat next to him, creating yet another rare moment where they were less than a foot apart. Their shoulders touched, barely anything, but enough to make Kaz's features go softer and his eyes close in a moment of empty silence.

"He loves you, Kaz." Inej put a hand on his good leg, and Marya didn't miss the way Kaz tensed. "He does. If only you were here more often to see it."

"You know I can't." He swallowed hard.

"What happening, Kaz?" Inej whispered, her tone suddenly cautious. "What's going on back at the Slat?" Marya perked up a bit. She'd rarely heard much about the city her father was constantly vanishing too. From the little snippets of whispers she'd heard in the halls and on the other side of closed doors, as well as from her occasional escapades into Kaz's room, she'd pieced together that he was in charge of some sort of gang, called The Dregs.

She hadn't told Petyr though. Partially because he couldn't keep a secret for the life of him, and partially because... well, she didn't think he'd want to know. Or even understand what it meant.

"I thought we had it under control," Kaz whispered, so softly Marya had to lean even closer to hear. "I thought the Dime Lions were finished. Turns out I was wrong." The two shared a look and Marya wished she knew what it meant. "My guys caught wind that they were rallying in numbers. Only we assumed they were doing it in the city. A stupid mistake."

"You think they're operating outside Ketterdam? Where?"

"Don't know. Could be anywhere." His voice grew a little graver. "I want you to keep an eye out. If anything strange happens-"

"I'll tell you." Inej stood. "Is it Pekka Rollins again?"

Marya saw the shift in Kaz's posture at that mention of that name but didn't recognise it. It wasn't anyone she knew. "I don't know. But for his sake," he growled, more feral than Marya had ever heard him sound before, "it better not be." She heard Kaz rise from the bed and Marya instantly rose to her own feet, dashing soundlessly back to her bedroom door and slipping gracefully inside, taking the time to gently close it shut seconds before he thumped past and down the stairs.

She felt her heartbeat slow as she glanced over her shoulder, catching sight of Petyr. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, his sketch pad in hand, his pencil running across the paper in hard, violent lines, eating away at its lead.

"Saints," Marya groaned as she crossed the room, glancing at his sketchpad to see he wasn't even drawing anything in particular. Just lots of hard angry lines overlapping each other to create and giant grey scriggle. "You're such an overreactor." The scratching of pencil on paper grew louder and more frequent. Marya continued to roll her eyes. "Mum and Dad were fighting about you. Again." The scratching stopped and was instead replaced with the tearing of paper. Marya spun on her heel to watch the sketchpad go flying across the room, hitting the glass door to their balcony.

Petyr buried his face in his hands, going completely still- which was against his constantly moving nature. But now he just sat there. It put Marya on edge as she crossed the room slowly, pulling herself up to sit beside him. She put a firm around him, pulling him close. The movement was a bit tense and could've been perceived as somewhat forced, but Petyr leaned into her anyways, closing his eyes, his hands falling limp at his sides.

"Do you think he cares?" She didn't need to ask who he meant by 'he' as she rested her chin on his head.

Marya wanted to say yes but as she glanced at the door she just shrugged. "I don't think he knows how to." She felt Petyr sag in her arms and hesitantly added, "Yet."

"How long do you think he'll stay?"

Marya remembered back to their conversation next door. About the Dime Lions, whom she suspected was another gang, and... Oh, what was his name again? Something Rollins? She shook the thought away. "Don't get your hopes up."

He nodded, "Okay." But she knew it was a lie. Even if he tried, Petyr's hope never vanished for long. It was as if he was setting himself up for hurt. And he couldn't expect her to be his shield forever. "Marya?"

"Yeah?"

"Will we be okay?"

She closed her eyes. "We'll be fine," she replied with utter certainty.

"Swear?"

"I swear."

Chapter Text

⤜ A Home Truth ⤛

Kaz sat on the front stairs of the house. Their house. It didn't feel like home to him.

No, home for Kaz was the bustling streets of the city he already missed.

His home was the new office in The Silver Six Club, once Pekka Rollin's, and now his, where you could smell the scent of hot chocolate from your window. Where your afternoons were filled with the sounds of dice and drink downstairs and the rock of carriage wheels passing outside.

Kaz stared ahead, deep in thought.

It was morning, but the sun had yet to rise over the horizon. So the clear sky and rich, green fields of summer were pitch black and the morning air was cool and crisp. The only light that shone was the single lantern resting beside Kaz, flickering in defiance of the night's darkness. The sound of the air gently brushing grass and the whispering hum of night insects were the only sounds amidst the quiet as Kaz shrugged the collar of his coat higher on his neck.

She slept more these days, he realised, glancing at Inej's window, dark and undisturbed. She was calmer than he remembered her being. She'd managed to leave her life in Ketterdam behind her, while the Bastard of the Barrel sat on the front porch, his gut twisted with the urge to return to his safe haven within the Barrel. He wasn't done with that city, not just yet. Maybe not ever.

Kaz closed his eyes, trying not to recount the moment when Inej had returned to his office after barely a month's separation, ready to throw his whole world off its hilt.

Now he was living two lives. One here, one there. Barrel boss one minute, a father the next. And so far he was only really succeeding at one. Kaz ran a gloved hand through his hair, breathing deeply.

Family made you weak. Attachments made you weak. He knew it was true. It'd been Pekka's undoing, and he'd be damned if he left it be his as well. If anyone knew... Kaz shook his head to shake off the thought. They were safe here. Far away from the dangers of the city.

Still, Kaz couldn't unsee the look on Pekka's face, the sheer horror in his eyes, when he'd thought his son was dead. Buried alive somewhere on Black Veil and left to rot. 

Kaz wondered, if it ever came to it, whether he'd have the same look too.

The creak of a floorboard and the screech of door hinges and Kaz tense, fingers flexing to the inside of his sleeve where the blade of an oyster shucker laid in waiting. But his hand retracted when he saw it was only Petyr, standing in his pyjamas, his ebony hair half-ruffled from sleep, lingering in the doorframe. "Dad?" He mumbled, rubbing a finger to a tired eye. "What are you doing?"

Kaz watched him silently, still crouched over on the front step, expression still thoughtful yet hard as concrete. "Thinking," he answered, turning back to stare at the darkness again.

Petyr's footsteps were almost as light as his mother's as he moved to sit beside Kaz, keeping a distance. "What are you thinking about?" He asked, looking away from the empty blackness ahead to the stars still dotting the sky above.

Kaz followed his gaze, taking in the intricate patterns and speaking quietly. "Nothing you'd understand."

Petyr didn't push any further and, for once, his patience and control were admirable. Instead, he just leaned back, silently watching the sky and drawing his knees close for warmth. "You know," he whispered to him, "Mum taught me about some of the consta- constell-"

"Constellations," Kaz finished for him.

"Mhm," he replied, nodding. There was a moment where neither spoke, but Kaz tensed when Petyr shuffled himself a few inches close, hand reaching to point to a cluster of stars. "There's Dinara the huntress," he whispered, clear blue eyes scanning the sky for more patterns. "And there's Fyodor, the lion man. It's said his stars float directly above where the Fold was, and that they could only be seen after Sankta Alina destroyed it. There's Marat the weaver. You see the one right above us. Mum says if you follow those stars, you'll always find your way home."

Kaz watched and listened, eyes following Petyr's tiny finger as he pointed.

"Mum said she used to use them all the time at sea. She said she could know exactly where she was just by looking at the sky." Petyr leaned back further, using his arms to support his body as he watched. "Mum says she'll take us sailing one day. Maybe we can even see her old ship!"

Kaz doubted it. Inej's ship, The Wraith, was far across the seas fighting slavers. No doubt Inej wouldn't want them anywhere near, or even aware of all that. As far as they knew, Inej had simply commanded a ship for the hell of it.

"Mum said you bought it for her," Petyr murmured, glancing at him sideways, a tiny smile playing at his lips.

Kaz nodded. "It was a parting gift."

"Parting gift?" Petyr asked, curiosity shining in those cool blue eyes. "You two were leaving each other?"

"For a time," he said, looking away as he added, "but she came back."

"Oh."

The veil of silence returned, so thin you could cut it with a knife. Kaz felt awkward chills shoot up his arms, unable to bring himself to give more than a hidden glance at the boy, only to find him shivering beside him.

Petyr looked up as Kaz shrugged off his coat, built for the cold city, and draped it over the boy's shoulders.

His chin tucked into his knees, Petyr mumbled a thanks, drawing the coat close to his tiny figure. He could smell the scents of the city on it, a city he barely knew despite being born there.

It had to be a hell of a place to draw his father back to it so often, and Petyr had no greater desire than to one day see it for himself. He sniffed the coat, catching quick whiffs of cheap stall perfumes, spiced rum and horse.

"You should ignore them."

"Huh?"

"The boys at school." Kaz had never seen Petyr flee from eye contact so quickly as his head turned the other way.

"You know," he mumbled, cheeks flushing red with colour. "It's not even that clever."

Kaz smirked a little. "I've been called worse things."

As soon as he'd turned away from Kaz, Petyr spun back around, shuffling closer by another few inches. "You have? Like what?"

Kaz looked up in thought. "A close friend of your Godmother's used to call me Demjin." Petyr's head tilted in confusion, so Kaz generously added, "It's Fjerdan, for Demon." Kaz didn't miss the quick intact of breath from his son as he put a hand to his mouth. Being raised by his saint-loving mother no doubt meant he didn't take the insult of Demon lightly. "That's not the worst of it either."

"What else?" He asked, hands picking up Kaz's cane, resting beside him, and running his fingers along the grooves in the metal crow's head, feeling the pointed edge of its wicked beak.

"Dirtyhands."

Petyr's peek at Kaz's gloved hands was supposed to be subtle, but Kaz's keen eyes barely missed a thing, and he fought the urge to not flex his fingers uncomfortably. Eventually, the boy's nose wrinkled. "Do you not wash your hands or something?"

Kaz's smile was small. "Or something."

"What else?" Petyr twirled the cane in his hands, half-distracted as he bobbed the crow's head like it was flying, quietly drifting into his own pure world of imagination.

"Bastard of the Barrel."

"What's a bastard?" He asked.

Kaz's lips parted to speak but he thought better of it. "My point," he said, changing the subject, "is that they're just names, Petyr. They have no power over you." Petyr's face fell a little as he continued staring at the cane.

Sitting there with it, draped in his father's coat, Kaz couldn't ignore how similar they looked. With their high cheekbones, angular faces and clear eyes. It was almost uncanny.

"They have a little power," he shrugged and Kaz didn't object. Of course they had power. All words had power. The names that were given to him had been meant to drag him down, but he'd been smarter. He'd used them, manipulated them. Fed into them to mould his legacy and his reputation. The merciless hound of the Barrel. Dirtyhands. A bastard.

So what could he say to the little boy still looking to him for answers?

'He's not like you Kaz,' Inej's words rung all too true in his head.

"Then prove them wrong."

Petyr laughed. "I don't know how to do that," he mumbled. 

Kaz looked past him in the direction of Ketterdam, his kingdom. "Nothing worth having ever comes by rolling over."

Petyr sniffed, smirking. "You sound like Mum... sort of." Dirtyhands looked to the young half-suli boy, staring up at him with eyes alight with curiosity. Curiosity he knew he wasn't the right person to feed. There was so much he'd yet to learn, yet to understand. Kaz found himself both looking forward and dreading the moment when he'd realise the world was so much bigger than the bubble they'd put him in. Marya seemed to suspect it, but Petyr...

"How'd you do it?" He asked. "How'd you beat them?"

Kaz straightened a bit, gloved hand open to request his cane, which Petyr silently passed over. "I worked hard to get the things I wanted," he said. "I've been pushed down more times than you'll know. But each fall, each stumble, each betrayal made me stronger."

"Is that how you got that?" Petyr asked, pointing to his cane and leg. "Did someone push you?"

Kaz remembered the night he'd fallen off the roof of that bank, the one which had to con him and his brother out of their pitiful fortune. His landing hadn't been as graceful as he'd hoped. "No," he murmured. " That was my own fault. But I wear it proudly." He met Petyr's soft stare. "It's my edge."

"Your edge?"

He nodded. "People look at me, and see a cripple. Nothing. But I know I'm more than that. This," he put a hand to his bad leg, "is a symbol of where I've come from. What I've had to endure and how far I'm willing to go to get where I need to be. Brick by brick." Petyr watched his leg like it was made of gold, picking at the too-big sleeve of Kaz's coat. "It's my greatest strength."

"I wish I had an edge."

Kaz rested both hands on the head of his cane. "You'll find one." 

"What about those?" Kaz tensed as he rose a hand, touching the leather of his gloves, running a bronze finger over the fine stitching. Kaz's first instinct was to yank his hand away as his touch neared his back wrist. Petyr flinched back too, scouting away an inch as he saw Kaz's body tense. A sudden sharpness entered his father's voice as he cleared his throat. "You should go back upstairs."

"Did I say something wrong?"

Kaz didn't answer.

So reluctantly, Petyr rose from the steps, defeated. He shrugged off the coat, leaving it limp beside Kaz, pattering with gentle feet back to the door. Kaz had to admit, what he lacked in street smarts and cunning, he made up for with his mother's grace, his footsteps almost silent as he drifted away. He put a hand on the doorknob before daring to glance over his shoulder. "Will you be dropping us off to school?"

Kaz's back was to him as he replied. "No."

"But you're staying... right?" 

There was so much wishful longing in his voice, that Kaz had to take another breath before he could respond. "Maybe."

"Maybe you can take us to Ketterdam with you one day."

Kaz didn't answer, but as the door opened and closed behind him, he looked at the hand Petyr had touched, brows furrowing as he curled it into a tight fist. He wanted to hit something with it. To feel the pain as if punishing his own skin for its weakness. The one part of him he couldn't fix, couldn't turn into a weapon. 

"I can best this," he murmured.

Words he'd once repeated to himself alone in the bathroom of the Slat, over and over. Words he'd never been able to live by and hadn't bothered to speak since.

"I can best this."

Even now he knew he was just kidding himself. This would never change. 

He ran his hand through his hair, slicking it back and picking up his coat from where Petyr had left it. He shrugged it back over his shoulders. A cloak of darkness, of which he was swallowed whole in.

Above him, Inej sat against the rail of her balcony, unseen and unheard. She closed her eyes, listening to Kaz as he retreated inside. Cane tapping. Leg thumping hard against the floor.

She looked up to the sky, where the last of the stars were beginning to fade into the soothing blue. She touched the felt pendant at her neck, the one stitched by her mother and which bore the face of Sankta Elizabet. She opened her hands, revealing the letter folded neatly in the palm of her hand. The letter that'd come all the way from Ravka. The letter that bore her father's handwriting.

She held it close to her chest.

Chapter Text

⤜ Return From Sea ⤛

Inej stood at the edge of the docks, staring out to sea, waiting for the tiny speck on the horizon that'd sailed all the way from Ravka to appear. The salty air whisked her hair freely around her face. She hadn't needed to tie it back in its usual braid since she'd had the twins... Since she'd left her old life behind her.

"Marya. Petyr."

Inej turned at Kaz's voice, glancing back at the twins as they ran up and down the pier, squealing and yelling, tagging each other and narrowly missing colliding with other eagerly waiting families.

They stopped though at Kaz's warning tone, with Marya giving Petyr one last finishing shove before running to her father's side for protection. Petyr's nose wrinkled as made a face at her, to which she promptly stuck her tongue out at. 

Kaz watched them silently, his eyes studying them like they always did with things he didn't quite understand.

He'd cleaned up nicely for this, Inej realised. His hair was neat and slicked back, her shoes were unscuffed and he was wearing one of his nicer coats- though it looked a bit out of place in the country setting.

She caught his eye and smiled a little, pushing her hair when it got blown into her face again. Kaz's grip on his cane tightened.

But the serene silence of the tiny dock, filled only by the gentle slapping of waves beneath them, was shattered by a high-pitched scream. Both their heads turned to see Petyr screaming, tripping and scurrying away as Marya chased him with a long stick, on the end of which hung a rather limp and terrified worm. The girl's hands and knees were still dirty from when she'd knelt to dig it from the mud.

Inej winced as people began to watch with tight expressions.

"Can you take care of that?" She asked Kaz, who nodded and limped off down the key to break it up, leaving Inej to once more scower the horizon for any sign of Ravkan ship.

By the time Kaz reached the twins, they were both circling a wooden pole, each trying to trick the other into bolting one way before they ran the other.

"Marya it's not funny!" Petyr yelled from the other side of the pole, squealing when Marya flicked the end of the stick, sending the worm flying through the air. It missed Petyr by an inch, sailing passed him and over the edge of the pier. Both kids ran to the edge as there was a tiny plop. A moment of silence. Then Petyr looked to Marya, eyes wide.

"You killed it!"

"Did not!" She snapped.

Marya shoved Petyr, and Petyr shoved Marya. Before long, Kaz had his cane tucked behind his arm and was prying the two away from each other. "That's enough," he said, his voice low and serious as Marya wiped a dirty hand on Petyr's face.

"Ha!" She laughed. "You got worm face!"

Petyr's hands flew out to push her again. "Well, you are a worm face!" And they were back at it again.

Kaz looked to Inej with an almost helpless expression, but she was too busy trying to smother her smile with her sleeve. "Every day?" He mouthed to her from across the pier.

"This is them on a good day," she mouthed in response.

"Bloody hell," Kaz muttered under his breath.

Marya stopped fighting for a second to look up at Kaz. "That's a bad word."

"Since when did you care?" Petyr retorted. "You use it *all* the time!"

Marya's head whipped back to him. "You're such a tattletale!"

"They're here!"

Inej's voice thankfully broke the moment before it could flare up again. It was almost enough to make Kaz give a breath of relief. He kept a gloved hand on either kid's shoulder as the boat pulled up to the dock and bodies began to trickle down the gangway.

Inej's face was bright as she spotted the old Suli couple in the crowd. "Ma! Da!" She called, raising a hand high in the air for them to spot. They smiled when they caught it, waving back and pushing their way closer. The three embraced each other tightly, Inej's mother kissing her forehead and her father wrapping his arms around his daughter.

"Oh! We missed you so much!" Mrs Ghafa said in rusty Kerch, her Suli accent still present as she spoke. She broke away from her daughter to look through the crowd. "Now, where are those grandchildren of mine?"

"Grandma!" Petyr called out, waving.

Beaming, Mrs Ghafa crouched, her arms open for a hug Petyr quickly filled. She squeezed him hard. "You've grown!" She gasped, holding him in front of her to get a good look at him. "Last time you were barely up to my knee! Though you're both certainly just as dirty," she commented, taking in the dirt smear on Petyr's face and the mud of Marya's dress.

Marya was still standing at her father's side when her grandma spotted her and smiled. "What? No hug for grandma?"

Marya gave a little grin, sauntering over after a little nudge from Kaz. "Saints, you remind me of your dad," Mrs Ghafa laughed as she hugged her. "But look just like your mother."

Inej smiled, standing close to her father, who turned to look at Kaz. They exchanged a brief nod each.

"Mr Ghafa," Kaz greeted promptly.

"Mr Brekker," he replied, not as warmly as anyone might've hoped. But Kaz, who'd met worse company than the aging Suli man, remained unfazed.

Mrs Ghafa and her husband exchanged the briefest of glances. Even now, years later, the two still couldn't wrap their heads around Kaz, and how their daughter had managed to form any sort of attachment to someone like him.

However, despite his usual demeanour, the boy had been- and had remained, a faithful enough companion to their daughter in the years they'd been separated. And that had to mean something, right? Although their only daughter getting pregnant at eighteen had never really settled well with either of them, even after nine years. But they loved their grandchildren dearly.

And, as Mrs Ghafa had whispered to her husband on an earlier visit, "A father is better than no father, I suppose." A comment which Kaz had unknowingly heard, and had left a bitter taste in his mouth afterwards.

"Grandpa!" Petyr called, breaking the silent looks between the grownups. "Are you gonna set up your tightrope in the back garden again? Or teach us tricks on Raven!" Kaz caught Inej wincing, remembering the last time Mr Ghafa had tried teaching Petyr how to stand atop a horse whilst riding it, and the cast Petyr had needed to wear for months after.

Mr Ghafa crouched down, moving with surprising grace for a man his age, and ruffled the boy's hair. "Sure thing- but, ugh, only if your Mum says it's okay," he added after a look from his daughter.

Petyr's head turned to stare up at Inej was wide, pleading blues eyes. "Pleeeeease Mum."

Inej was hesitant to answer, exchanging a glance with Kaz, who gave the barest shrug. "In my experience," he said, "it doesn't hurt to know a few tricks."

Inej's eyes rolled, but her lips held the barest smirk. "Oh... alright fine." Petyr pumped a fist in the air. "But be careful with his Dad."

"Of course," Mr Ghafa said, winking at Petyr. The boy smiled, winking back with both eyes.

"And how's school?" Mrs Ghafa asked, hugging her mug with both hands and gazing over at her daughter. The two women sat on the front porch of the countryside manor, bathing in the summer sun and enjoying the warm breeze that swept through the tall grass.

In the distance, Inej could just make out the shape of her father as he tied a long rope between two trees, with Marya and Petyr jumping excitedly around him, and Kaz standing solemnly off to the side. He'd abandoned his long coat due to the heat, at stood with both hands on his cane, watching the trio as Mr Ghafa helped to lift Marya up onto the rope, helping to steady her.

"It's been a bit of a change," Inej said, rubbing her forehead with one hand. "Marya's been moved to the fifth grade. Leaving Petyr in the fourth and... he's been having some trouble making friends." Mrs Ghafa looked over at her daughter, who look downright exhausted. She put a hand on Inej's, squeezing it gently. Inej took a breath. "I thought I could homeschool them like you did with me. But then I feared they wouldn't make any friends and... Maybe I shouldn't have taken so long to send them to a real school."

In the distance, Marya gave a squeal and a laugh as she almost fell over, and Inej could've sworn she saw Kaz take a cautious step forward.

Mrs Ghafa followed her daughter's gaze. "And how's he doing?"

"Good, I think. I mean..." Inej lowered her head into her hand, rubbing her eyes. "It's been hard for both of us. He's got his job in the city and all. But he tries, I know he tries." She didn't need to look at her mum to know what she was thinking. And she every right too. Her mother and father knew almost nothing about the history she and Kaz shared or the things they'd overcome together. The Suli acrobats didn't know of their lengthy criminal records or the blood, sweat and tears they'd shed to save each other's skins again and again.

But Kaz was trying, there was no doubt about that. Inej thought back to last night. Listening to Kaz and Petyr's voices, hearing the way Petyr looked up to the father he in truth barely knew.

"I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing for them."

Mrs Ghafa continued to hold Inej's hand tightly in her own, as if never wanting to let go of it again. In the distance, Kaz was no longer standing to the side and was helping Petyr up onto the rope, one hand up and ready to catch him if he should accidentally fall. She watched as she helped the boy cross from one end to the other, catching the boy when he suddenly slipped, grunting under his weight.

"You good?" Mr Ghafa asked Petyr as Kaz helped him to the ground.

"Yeah, I'm good." Petyr turned to Kaz, looking up at him. "Can I go again?"

Kaz nodded, using a gloved hand to help Petyr back up and steady himself. Mr Ghafa watched him, assisting Marya up behind Petyr. The girl had a determined look on her face as she focused on keeping her weight evenly distributed, her arms held out either side of her. In so many ways, she reminded him so much of his own daughter. Of Inej, back when she was a little younger than Marya and stepping foot on a tightrope for the first time. She'd picked it up as easy as if it was breathing. "There you go. Easy does it. Petyr, remember to look forwards, not down."

Petyr gave a little noise as he tipped to one side and Kaz was once more grunting under the boy's weight, helping him down onto his feet. 

"Nice catch," Mr Ghafa said, watching Marya as she reached the other end of the rope and slowly turned around, going back the other way. "Good Marya, take your time... So, Mr Brekker," he began, clearing his throat, "how's things in the big city? Last time I checked you owned a club."

"We've expanded a bit since your last visit," Kaz replied, keeping an eye on Petyr as he tried again to stay balanced. "Opened up a few more Clubs on West Stave."

"We must visit the city again sometime then."

"That's what I said!" Petyr said with a smile, wobbling a bit. Kaz's sturdy expression deepened ever so slightly, a hand still extended to catch Petyr as he followed in step beside the boy.

"Perhaps another time," he said. "The crowded city can be quite rank in the summertime."

Mr Ghafa nodded briefly. "Yes, I suppose so. But have you ever considered finding work out here in the countryside? With your family."

The intention behind the man's words made it feel as though a stone had dropped into Kaz's stomach. He took a breath, meeting the man's eyes for the briefest moment, keeping his voice steady and compose as he spoke. "I can provide more for my family in the city I'm afraid. But I make sure to visit whenever I can."

Mr Ghafa nodded again, seeming to hear his words. "I understand."

Kaz knew Mr Ghafa had also been a family man at heart. Especially after losing his daughter at such a young age. He valued quality time with one's family, but he couldn't deny the hard work of a father trying his best for said family. Even if it meant hardly seeing them. The two might never fully see eye to eye on anything, but they could find common ground on that. Even if it was steep ground, to say the least.

But Kaz wished it was that simple. He wished he could confidently say aloud that, if he had the chance, he would leave his Barrel Boss life behind and commit solely to what was right here in front of him... But he wasn't sure he could.

A part of him wished he could ask Mr Ghafa for some father-to-father advice. But the aging acrobat could never understand what Kaz had gone through. How almost every moment of his entire life had been building up to one thing, and now he was expected to let it go. Just like that.

Kaz stepped back as Mr Ghafa stepped forward to help Petyr, watching the old man talk to the boy as easily as someone would a brother. He placed a hand on the boy's back and another on his arm, guiding him forward with each shaky step, promising to catch him if he falls. Kaz watched in solemn silence as Petyr eventually reached the end, letting out a triumphant yell and jumping on his grandfather, who held him in a hug, laughing and grinning brightly.