Work Text:
When Venus was newly born, before she could articulate her relationship towards her gender in a way that could be understood by her mother, the Calwells dressed her in pink. She has stacks upon stacks of photos of her in pink onesies, little dresses and white sandals with flowers along the straps- there were other photos too, of her in blue and green and yellow, in pants and mini, baby-sized newsboy caps. Her mother wasn’t the type to assign gender to clothes, and so, Venus ended up having plenty of photos of her infancy where she was dressed traditionally feminine. These pictures are very special to her, and sometimes she wonders if her mom was a bit psychic (She’s not, of course. She’s just… really cool.)
The photos had come in handy several times before, especially on her blog. Trends cycled through content creators channels on rotation, and every year or two videos showing off old childhood memories became the topic of the month. She had a stack of her feminine baby pics on deck for just such an occasion, with a few random androgynous or masculine pics thrown in, and a select few home videos after her fifth birthday when she officially started going by Venus.
Sometimes, though, on days where she’s not feeling very confident at all, the photos all look the same. She gazes down at a picture of herself in a frilly pink dress and can only see a little boy. That feeling makes her face hot and a lump form in her throat. On particularly rough days, it feels like her stomach has tied itself in knots and prickles of discomfort crawl up her arms and over her chest, and none of her clothes seem to fit right despite how they all looked amazing the day before.
It’s hard to talk to her mother and her father about these days. Not because they would react negatively, no! Her mother had been there for her from the beginning and her father was as well meaning and kind as possible, even if he was a bit slower on the uptake. It’s just that… Well, this was hard for her to put into words, and even harder for her to explain to people who just may not get it. The life she lived was wonderful and near perfect, she wasn’t unhappy in her day to day life, but she couldn't help the days where she just felt… gross. She was sure if she tried to explain it to her mom she’d bundle them both up into the car for a luxury day. They’d get their nails done, go shopping for fancy new clothes, maybe even stop at Ulta or Sephora to pick out the newest eye shadow palette or lipstick collection. As nice as that sounds, on days like these, Venus didn’t even want to get out of bed, much less parade around town where people might have the chance to look at her!
Today, unfortunately, was one of those horrible, no good, very bad days. She’d convinced her mom to let her stay home from school by feigning a stomach ache, and she’d spent the morning tucked into bed with all the lights off. She watched YouTube Makeup Artists review a set of lip glosses by her favorite brand and responded to well meaning worried texts from her friends.
A text here, and Instagram DM there, and a few snapchat pictures of the ceiling of her room with “I’m fine! Just a stomach ache, I’ll see you tomorrow!” typed across the screen later and she was mostly left to her own devices. Which was a blessing and a curse, really. She needed some alone time, but there were only so many reviews on lip gloss, and hearing someone discuss the lip feel of glitter can only stave off negative thoughts for so long.
She ends up taking a shower around lunch time, dragging herself out of bed and washing with the lights turned off, which was an old trick she used to combat bathing dysphoria. After rinsing the conditioner from her hair, she stops the shower and grabs a towel before stepping out in front of the mirror. She ties her robe around herself for good measure before turning the lights back on, going about her skincare routine and brushing her teeth. Getting herself nice and clean was always a sure-fire way to improve her spirits, and this time was no different. It wasn’t so drastic as to allow her to categorize today as good by any means, but it made her feel less-bad, and she was willing to take what she could get.
After throwing on her comfiest pair of pajamas, she grabbed a water and a light snack and headed back up to her room. She didn’t want to get back into bed and her computer desk was the next best option. Listless, she browses through the old baby pictures and sips at her water. She stares at the little version of herself and her father- he’s got less gray hairs here, which Venus notes to tease him about later. They’re at a park, Moms the one who took the picture, and Dad’s got her in a baby swing looking grinning at the camera. She was dressed in a mint green onesie with turtles embroidered all over it.
Despite the gross feeling lingering over her all day, the picture makes her feel a little emotional. She’d always loved this picture especially, there was just so much joy in her smiling face and her father’s beaming grin, and despite her mother being behind the camera, her love radiated from the photo as well. Despite how her parents weren't together, they made space to spend time with her as a family to make her happy. After all this time and all these years, Venus still felt that love from each of her parents equally. They’d all come so far and changed so much, but their love for her had never wavered. She’d changed the most, of course, as she found her way in life.
The photo leads her down a rabbit hole of reminiscing, and she feels a bit old at that thought. Sitting at her computer desk wistfully remembering the bygone times… lost in her memories… To be fair, she had done quite a lot in her life. She gets up and grabs a few photo albums off her bookshelf and carries them back over to her desk, flipping open one with even more baby pictures inside. Old Polaroids and disposable camera pictures fill each page, her mom's handwritten notes meticulously placed inside.
A long time ago, her mom had carefully taken white-out to the pages and replaced every instance of her birth name with ‘Venus.’ Venus makes a note to thank her for that. She notices it every time it happens until she comes across the first page where her mom wrote the right name the first time. It must have been the week she had first come to her mom about her gender- there was an entire mini section of the book surrounding clothes shopping. Despite how it’d been years since that trip to the mall, she can still remember how happy she’d been when her mother had told the employee at the store that she was looking for a dress for her daughter.
Her mother had always accepted her, and had happily claimed a daughter instead of a son. More photos follow of Venus all dressed up for pageantry as her mother threw herself wholeheartedly into having a daughter and all the glamorous opportunities that came with that. Venus had always enjoyed pageants- that was every little girl's dream, wasn’t it? To put on the most sparkly dress imaginable and parade around on a stage? The little girl in these photos looks much happier than the little boy only a few pages away.
She was much happier now. Before she had told her mother about how she was feeling, she remembered a distinct discomfort over her name and pronouns. Sometimes she had felt like a spy or secret agent- where her identity was an elaborate disguise. She’d been more than happy to finally take it off.
Feeling a bit better after looking over the old photos and finally seeing a little girl, Venus can’t help but flip through more of the album, even moving on to look at different books. There’s a photo of her at an eighth grade dance wearing a god-awful dress (it was in style at the time!) that makes her remember the terror she’d felt about the encroaching threat of puberty. She’d burst into tears as her father drove her home from school that day and told him all about what they’d covered in sex ed, unable to keep her composure facing the prospect of going through the wrong puberty.
Her father had struggled a bit with her identity. He wasn’t old fashioned by any means- her mother married him, after all, so he had to be a bit with the times- but it was different to him when it was his own child. He was never callous towards her, but it was hard for him to understand. She thinks this may have been the day he really got it, that he finally understood her feelings and relationship with gender and her body. He’d pulled over into a Walmart parking lot and enveloped her into a hug, where he’d promised her they’d figure something out to help her through this together. Two weeks later, she was on puberty blockers, and not long after that she went home from the pharmacy with her first dose of hormone replacement therapy.
She’d wondered as a kid whether or not her dad would ever be able to fully see things from her point of view, and she wondered if he’d ever truly be able to see her as a girl… in the end, he did, and remembering that car ride home fills Venus with the same sense of relief and safety she’d felt in her fathers arms.
Feeling better by the second, Venus ends up booting on her computer and going to her old YouTube channel. She’d gone on indefinite hiatus from her video blogs to focus on school and gymnastics, but all her old videos were still up. She clicks on her farewell video without thinking, and her youthful face fills up the screen. Her makeup is perfectly done and she's looking sadly at the camera, talking about her goals and future aspirations.
Venus scrolls down to glance at the comments, and can't help but smile. Even nearly a year after posting this, there are still comments from this week… all wishing her well and saying kind things about her content over the years.
Clicking back to her page, she scrolls through until she finds a simple make-up tutorial video, one of the first things she’d ever recorded, and clicks on that. It was a beginner level smoky-eye look she used to do all the time, basic and trust worthy. Her young voice filters through the speakers and half her sentence is cut by ‘um’ and ‘like,’ and Venus is completely endeared by her younger self.
Look at her! She’s just starting out! She has no idea how successful she’ll be!
Feeling her heart swell lighter and lighter, Venus makes her way to one of her most recent make-up videos, and watches in awe as she puts on a completely massive, complex and beautiful full face look. It was leagues of growth from her first little video, and it makes Venus so emotional she has to minimize the tab.
All these photos, videos, memories… She’d felt gross and inadequate all morning, dwelling on the parts of her life that didn’t mesh, staring at baby photos and convincing herself she looked like a little boy in them all- but that didn’t matter. As she looked past baby clothes and really delved into her childhood, she realized that even dressed in blue she was a girl through and through. She’d always been a girl, and now every important person in her life knew and accepted her.
She’d grown and changed over the years, yes, but all that led her to be the woman she was today.
She felt better than she had in a long while.