Work Text:
[Intro Music]
O: Hi, everybody, welcome to 150 minutes of hell!
S: [deadpan] Yaaaaaaaaaaay.
O: [laughs] Or the third Transformers live action movie, Dark of the Moon.
S: Can you hear the enthusiasm?
O: [laughs] We're so enthused! This is also our third anniversary episode, go us!
S: Dark of the Moon came out in 2011, and is still directed by Michael Bay and also starring Shia Labeouf.
O: Personally, I did not see this one until about… I guess, three or four years ago now? When I watched a dvd that I had borrowed from Specs, because this is when I was doing like, my- my Transformers media binge-
S: Initial watch through?
O: Yeah, it was my I was doing my binge, trying to get caught up on a bunch of media. I thought this was bad then, and I still think it's bad now. [laughs] Um, Specs, do you remember when you saw this movie and what your first impressions were?
S: Uh, I think the first time I watched this film I was writing a paper for a sociology class, and so I think I put it on for background noise. Which, considering I'd never watched the movie before was probably a bad call.
O: [laughs]
S: But uh, I think I managed to ignore most of the movie? Though I particularly remember the section where the soldiers are like, wingsuiting into Chicago. Just because that was at least an interesting visual? And it was at least something of a distraction from writing a sociology paper on the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
O: I love how those things don't connect at all, and yet…
S: Hey, I did really well on the paper! And this was the continuation of the damn thing, because I couldn't figure out what to write a second paper on so- And I had the option of just continuing the first one. So, let's just not get into the weeds on that.
O: [laughs]
S: Uh, I think it might have been bad enough that it gave me the motivation to finish the damn paper.
O: Well, it was- it's good for something?
S: I guess, yeah. It was due on Monday, I think. And this might have been like, Sunday night? So yeah, Dark of the Moon. Instigation to write a paper.
O: I do feel like this is maybe a good time to mention, hey, if you like this movie this may not be a very good episode for you. You may not have a good time.
S: Mm-hm.
O: We will be back with more G1 silliness in 2022 uh, with episode 56. Where we will finish up the Key to Vector Sigma. So come back then if that's the case. We will not judge you.
S: Yes. Yep, so some updates from the last movie that don't really fit anywhere else: Uh Leo's completely disintegrated. We never see or hear from this dude again.
O: Uh, most of the Autobots from the previous movies are still seen, some albeit very briefly.
S: The exceptions being Jolt, who was killed off screen in one of the movie verse comics, and the Arcees… who were, what? Killed on screen?
O: One of them was killed, I- possibly two? The other one actually continues to show up in the movieverse comics, I believe.
S: Oh?
O: So make of that what you will. I don't know if from the movies we're supposed to assume they- she (however you want to describe her) is dead or what.
S: Honestly, it just feels like having a surprising- surviving member of Reflector.
O: A little- a little bit! But now, we start, as always, with some voiceover from Peter ‘Optimus Prime’ Cullen, detailing the tale of the Ark.
S: You get some nice visuals in here.
O: Yes! Because you actually get to see Cybertron and it is visually interesting.
S: Mm-hm. The Ark, if you've been following along with our G1 escapades, is the ship that the Autobots crash landed on earth.
O: But here in the Bayverse! It was a last-ditch effort by the Autobots to keep some groundbreaking technology out of Decepticon hands.
S: And by some, we mean thousands of the damn things, apparently. Unfortunately, it was shot down (or more like shot and disabled and then drifted into space) and eventually came to rest on Earth's moon after hurtling through space for a while.
O: Cue the 1960’s space program, as this was evidently the inciting incident for the Space Race, in this universe. With the US and Russia both attempting to reach the Moon.
S: Geez, now I'm just imagining the 1950’s, and their space radar, or whatever, there's just this thing hurtling toward the Moon and they both think it's each other.
O: That is entirely possible! The US of course, eventually wins the Space Race.
S: This movie, now with both bonus and bogus historical news footage.
O: [laughs]
S: During the Moon landing a blackout is engineered in order to inspect the alien craft, unbeknownst to all but a few other people at NASA.
O: Honestly? This is a more fun conspiracy theory than we never went to the Moon in the first place.
S: Yeah, they find a giant metal face and report that there is no sign of life anywhere on the spacecraft.
O: And as President Johnson congratulates the astronauts, back on the Moon we zoom into the Autobot corpse before its eyes light up.
S: Grandpa's been napping for a few million years, and I think he's pissed.
O: [laughs] But now, to the present! We open with… butts. Thanks Bay, glad we could get the sleaze on during this character's introduction.
S: This is, wait for it… wait for it… this is Carly! Who is Sam's new girlfriend as Mikaela has evidently left the idiot.
O: Fucking finally. Good for her!
S: Anyway, we open on Carly tiptoeing around in nothing but a t-shirt and panties, holding onto a giant plush bunny.
O: She gives it to Sam, and says it's his new ‘lucky bunny’.
S: But instead, Sam gets out of bed complaining about having to look for a job.
O: Because he saved the world, TWICE! And he should be working with the Autobots!
S: Carly points out that they did pay for his college, or maybe the government paid for his college?
O: Yeah, the government paid for his college. Which you would think would be fucking enough, honestly!
S: Yeah, and actually was it just one college degree, or could he go back to college on the government's dime?
O: That is a thing. Honestly, I think I would just go back and get a bunch of degrees.
S: Yeah, yeah, same. Sam has also received medals from President Obama. Which we see in a flashback of him at the White House, with obviously not the real Obama.
O: Which is where he also met Carly. Who was working with (or at) the British Embassy, and the two hit it off (despite him being a giant jackass).
S: Who breaks things.
O: Yes.
S: Yes. In the present day, we get to see Sam and Carly’s stellar looking loft. I mean, it's- it's Carly's loft. Sam's just freeloading, since he is not paying his fair share of the rent.
O: Nope!
S: This gets called out!
O: It does.
S: Their makeout session is interrupted by Wheelie, from the last movie, and a new little Autobot named Brains, who both live with Sam.
O: Also, they have Mikaela's dog from the last movie living with them for some reason? And yeah, I realize the reason is that Megan Fox was supposed to be in this movie, but that doesn't explain in universe, why have- they have Mikaela's freaking dog!
S: Like, when couples split animals are considered property so like, that- there isn't like a custody thing for animals.
O: Well, and isn’t-
S: So like, how would they even- like, this is not like a custody thing where they're taking care of the dog.
O: Yeah, yeah. It's very strange. But Carly leaves for work, and Sam's parents show up in their fancy, schmancy, new camper shortly thereafter.
S: And they're horrifying matching green track suits. Like, they look very- they look like if they squatted down they'd be very Slavic.
O: They actually wear a bunch of matching outfits in this movie.
S: Yeah.
O: It's… no.
S: Yeah. Their only purpose seems to further make Sam's job hunt even more miserable.
O: [sarcastically] Sam's life is like, SO horrible you guys??? He has to drive a junker since like, Bumblebee's working with NEST all the time. He's so sad!
S: The Autobots get up to some shenanigans in Iran, for some goddamn reason!?
O: Fucking with the Middle East since… forever, evidently. Uh, the two new Autobots that we see in this group are Dino, who's a red Ferrari 458 Italia and Que, who is a Mercedes-Benz E550 or five- five- zero. However, you want to say that.
S: Yeah, so, to make all of these new characters more fun.
O: And by fun, we mean badly planned out.
S: Dino was called Mirage in a bunch of marketing, and some of the toys. As well as listed as Mirage in some text in the fourth Bayverse movie.
O: He can evidently turn invisible in the games, but I- I think we were both checking this time, but we didn't see any evidence for this in this movie itself and I didn't see anything on the Wiki.
S: Yeah, I don't remember anything. Uh, so Que’s bot mode is physically based off of Einstein, like-
O: Crazy hair.
S: Wild hair?
O: Yeah.
S: And his role within NEST is based around Q from the James Bond. Giving gadgets and equipment to both NEST and the Autobot operatives.
O: So, according to the TF Wiki uh, Que's early working name was Steeljaw and his head was considered to have been based off of Christopher Lloyd's Doc Brown from Back to the Future. And I cannot tell you how much I wish they would have done this. Like, gone down this route instead, because Que is also credited as Wheeljack in the credits. So, this is Bayverse Wheeljack, and I hate it SO much. I love Doc Brown, that would have been fun.
S: Yeah, Doc Brown's got a pretty good Wheeljack energy going on.
O: He really does! And also, they could have just cast Christopher Lloyd! I would have had fun with that.
S: Mm-hm, yeah. Now at Chernobyl, the color balancing remains as tactful as ever. Just to show we're in the communist Soviet Union (or formerly, or whatever) everything is so washed out here.
O: Now, what kills me about this is that this actually could have been a really nifty concept. The Deceptions, presumably being unaffected by radiation have set up shop at Chernobyl! Too bad they basically just do one fight scene here and nothing else.
S: All we're getting is some environment porn, really. Surprise! By the way, evidently, the Chernobyl disaster was caused by an alien fuel cell.
O: The Autobots then face off uh, with Shockwave in his giant pet worm- thing? The Driller!
S: Optimus’ trailer is revealed to be a mobile weapons base which is pretty nifty and a direct reference to his G1 counterpart.
O: Shockwave here is voiced by Welker for some reason. I was amused that I knew that when he talked but I'm also confused as to why?
S: Yep, and a talking Laserbeak is revealed.
O: I don't know how I feel about this but um, well, I've already had surprisingly Russian Ravage, so I think I can handle anything.
S: Laserbeak seems to be based on a vulture for his design in this movie, and he also drools a concerning amount. There's far too much robot drool in this movie.
O: Yeah, and all of them are Deceptions!
S: Yeah.
O: Shockwave escapes but the Autobots are able to procure the fuel cell and keep him from getting away with it.
S: Laserbeak kills their human Russian operative who had lured NEST there, and back with Sam.
O: You know, the real meat of our story here, woo.
S Woo. We see Sam rapidly going through several job interviews.
O: And his performance can only be called what not to do in a job interview in… rapid succession.
S: It's like a how not to do this guide, with annotation. So many annotations. We find out that Sam graduated with a degree in geopolitics and a minor in tech studies.
O: His final interview is with a company called A-ca-retta?
S: Accuretta, maybe?
O: Accuretta Systems, where he interviews with a man named Bruce Bezos?
S: Bruce Brazos.
O: Brazos, okay. Thank you.
S: Who might just be one of the most interesting characters in this entire movie.
O: I remain convinced this is only because he's played by freaking John Malkovich, who's in this movie for some reason. Um, and he knows how to chew scenery like a champ!
S: He's just champing at it. [laughs] I want to know who did the set design in this scene. Like, this is- when they're actually doing the interview. The office is amazingly sparse but it- it displays so much about his personality. It's just it's like, white, white, white, a bonsai tree, and two framed photos of himself.
O: [laughs] And like, very sparse color accents. Not just around his desk, but on like the office floor they're on in general.
S: It's the yellow floor.
O: [laughs]
S: Anyway, after he throws a hissy fit about one of his employees having a red mug on her desk he convinces Sam to take the job.
O: Which Sam didn't want to take because it's a mail room job and he thinks it's beneath him.
S: The way Brazos puts it is like, “You want the job that this job will get you.”
O: Which, I mean, fair, but Jesus.
S: Yeah, well, Sam has his inflated views of his own importance based upon his direct life experience that he really needs therapy with.
O: Oh yeah, definitely. Desperately.
S: At NEST's headquarters were introduced to a new character. Charlotte Mearing, who is the Director of National Intelligence.
O: She is replacing bureaucratic bastard from the last movie, who evidently died in some of the movie comics?
S: Well, I mean, considering they did toss him out of a plane with a parachute there's a good chance he died somewhere after that.
O: I- no, evidently he was involved with NEST after that. At least based on a very- the very sparse information I read on the Wiki.
S: So Mearing, is not a terribly nice person, but she's far more competent than the last dude.
O: To clarify she's described on the TF Wiki as overbearing, controlling, and impatient. Despite being one of the few people in this movie that I would consider is doing their job reasonably competently.
S: Well, the Director of National Intelligence, you want someone competent there.
O: Yeah, you would think.
S: She also has this weird thing about not being called ma'am, but also doesn't specify what she wants to be called.
O: We do eventually hear some people calling her ‘Director’ later in the movie. So, I assume it is that, but again, I just kind of wish she had specified because the way they frame this is like, “Oh, she's being completely unreasonable!” And I don't think it's unreasonable for somebody to say, “Call me by my job title.”
S: Yes. Optimus is in truck mode when she enters, only to transform and angrily demand why Autobot technology has been found in human hands. And so basically Optimus has been having-
O: A truck hissy fit?
S: Yes, leader temper tantrum!
O: A very, very calm temper tantrum. The gist of Optimus’ complaint is that the Autobots have tried to share everything with the humans and they expected the same treatment back.
S: Yeah, Optimus here is just like, “No talk, me angry.”
O: Pretty much. The Autobots are basically then told what we were shown at the beginning of the movie. Space Race, Moon, ship, etc.
S: Mm-hm, including an appearance by the actual astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, as one of the people explaining this! How much did they pay this man the indignity of being in this movie?
O: [laughs] I don't know but it was not enough.
S: Honestly, he's one of my favorite parts in here.
O: And now back to Sam's super interesting love life!
S: Yet another new character is introduced, Carly's boss Dylan Gould. Who may in fact just be a ghoul.
O: [laughs] He is a smarmy rich guy he basically only exists in this movie to emasculate Sam.
S: Yeah. Carly is technically his personal assistant, but her main focus seems to be running Dylan's collection of classic cars.
O: Which I am just going to jump in here for a moment and say, now remember this, because this would have made a lot of sense… if this had been Mikaela.
S: Yeah.
O: But also don't forget Dylan's extremely creepy relationship with Carly! Like look, Sam is an asshole, we all know Sam's an asshole. But- to give him credit where credit is due, it is pretty off-putting just how many photos this guy has on the walls of him and Carly together.
S: Yeah, and I mean, how long has she been his assistant if she was working at the British Embassy or whatever when she met Sam? So, like, have all of these photos been taken over the course of like three months?
O: Yeah, we don't know. He also calls her, “my duchess”.
S: Creepy. Bleh!
O: Which honestly, is a perfectly fine name… just not from your boss!
S: Yes, yes it's- it's the relationship thing. Like, if he was I don't know like, “You are now my weird adopted cousin or whatever, that is in charge of my cars-”
O: Or even if she- they were actually dating like, him calling her, “my duchess,” would kind of be romantic.
S: Yes. Like, that implies a respect. As it is, this is just a really weird-
O: Creepy thing, that he does.
S: Yes. And also like, I mean, the only thing I like about this- in any of this scenario is- not about the people it's like, it's the cars. I like the cars. He has a very cool car collection.
O: Uh, we also get to insert a creepy moment of Dylan comparing the curves on a car to the curves on a woman's body, all while the camera lecherously pans all over Carly.
S: Yep, just- let's just up our intake of sleaze here. Ugh, full body shiver.
O: [laughs]
S: The Autobots arrive on the Moon and enter the Ark.
O: Finding the barely alive Sentinel Prime, as well as four pillars to a space bridge, and the control pillar for it.
S: You know? I wish they had like an itinerary [inventory] for the ship, listing the contents and then the Autobots could have checked that. That would make sense.
O: That would have made sense. Maybe we were supposed to assume it was digital and it was too damaged or something?
S: Yes, maybe. Though, I mean, heck, maybe the Autobots lost all their damn tech support aside from Que, and Que doesn't have the proper stuff to get in there?
O: It could have also been like- because I'm pretty sure Sentinel wakes up and is like, “Four!?! There were so many more!” And so maybe they just sort of assumed they got sucked out into space or something too?
S: Maybe, I mean, that would make sense. It would be funny to accidentally have a whole bunch of random space bridges all over the galaxy.
O: [laughs] It would be!
S: And accidentally, when they turn stuff on it turns into some whack-a-doodle intergalactic-
O: Portal thing?
S: Yeah.
O: But NOW! To Africa.
S: Megatron, his head still badly damaged from the last movie. He's- like, he's cosplaying Crankcase of all people from uh, the Scavengers. God, um, so yeah, Megatron has taken on a new alt mode, one that's surprisingly similar to Optimus Prime’s of all things, but Mad Maxified!
O: [laughs] So, he drives up to his camp. Um, there are a bunch of hatchlings around and Megatron is feeding them with what I can only describe as fish food.
S: [laughs]
O: We need to ask, who the fuck put this Megatron in charge of babies!?! I think G1 Megatron would be more responsible with babies than this one, and that's quite frankly, saying something!
S: But how did they get the babies?
O: I don’t know!
S: Are they literally his babies? Did Starscream-
O: Oh god.
S: Lay a bunch of robot eggs!?
O: [muffled groan]
S: I know that there's a part of fandom that somehow does stuff with that.
O: I don't want to know!
S: I'm sorry, we're going weird places today and I don't like it.
O: This movie is going weird places and it's dragging us with it!
S: Yeah. And then there's a small drone created from leftover parts of other presumably deceased Deceptions that had been- yes, yes, yes, they were dead- that had been killed in the previous movies.
O: Um, I nicknamed it Igor while we were watching it and then we found out on the Wiki that's its actual name.
S: Your brain aligned with the writers.
O: [yells] NO!
S: He's Mega- so, Igor is Megatron's pet, and Megatron is joined by Starscream, Soundwave, now complete with Earth alt mode that is not a satellite, and Laserbeak.
O: My beautiful son, you made a wonderful satellite. I'm sure you'll make a wonderful car. I'm so proud of you.
S: He's a very hot car, I think we can both agree.
O: [laughs] Megatron tells Soundwave to eliminate their loose ends.
S: And then we cut to Laserbeak, who lands in a yard transforming into what we can only describe as a tiny magenta Bumblebee with red eyes.
O: I am very weirded out by this. I don't know why they did this. I would love an explanation!
S: He kills the man inside the house who was working for the Deceptions, and considering some of the other things that we see at various points… he has quite a body count!
O: Yes. Like, it actually cuts away before he seems to do anything to the guy's wife or daughter, but apparently in the movie novelization it is implied that he kills his target's families too, so…
S: That's three very dead people.
O: Just to start with!
S: And I'm pretty sure- like, at various points there's like, pictures of people from the NASA program or whatever and then they're dead.
O: Yeah.
S: Or they're crossed out or whatever.
O: So, I think it's highly- heavily implied that Laserbeak has killed a lot of people. Uh, but now to Sam's job.
S: He is accosted by one of the company's vice presidents, Mr. Jerry Wang.
O: Or, ‘Deep Wang,’ as he likes to call himself. This is a reference to, ‘Deep Throat,’ uh, who was an informant in the Watergate scandal, if you were not aware.
S: And also a porn movie from the same era. Which, if you're a kid I really hope you weren't aware of.
O: [laughs] And that doesn't make anything- that does not make this better!
S: Oh it doesn’t.
O: In fact it actively makes everything worse, I think.
S: It does, it makes everything so much worse. We did not need that reference in this movie Bay.
O: But, uh, by accosting Sam, this also includes leading him into the bathroom.
S: Where he shoves Sam basically, into a bathroom stall and locks them both in.
O: All of this is uncomfortable and terrible.
S: Yep. He like, starts taking his pants down and grabs a wad of papers out of his trousers- his pants- and passes it on to Sam. It's so uncomfortable.
O: And then he starts going on about a conspiracy of humans working for Deceptions.
S: And of course, Sam's new boss walks in and assumes that they are uh, having a- a tryst right after meeting Sam's girlfriend.
O: Don't worry this plot point goes freaking nowhere. Bay just thinks these gay not jokes are hilarious for some fucking reason.
S: It is so incredibly uncomfortable. Wang returns to his office and like, there is a brief uh, confrontation between him and Sam, and then Laserbeak just pushes him out the window.
O: Laserbeak is a gross little bird and I love him for this.
S: So like, Laserbeak goes apeshit on the rest of the floor, including Sam. Who unfortunately gets out completely fine.
O: Come on Laserbeak! You've killed like, five people in this movie that we know of! Surely you can fucking hit Sam!
S: Sam's got plot armor. We do get to see more of Laserbeak's talent of taking on whatever alt mode he wants. Which is pretty neat, since he was a monitor in Wang's office and then a copier in the main office, and someone's like, “Oh, this is very Japanese and when did we get a new copier?”
O: Sam then later shows up at [the] NEST base prostering some toxic masculinity bullshit, trying to talk to the Autobots and pass on the information he got from Wang.
S: I think he brought Mikaela with him this time.
O: You mean Carly?
S: Yes, god, Carly. My brain is not here, and all of the women are basically sexy lamps in this movie.
O: [snorts]
S: [sighs] It's unfortunate. It's very unfortunate!
O: Bumblebee then shows up to rescue Sam's sorry ass when he basically gets stopped, and Sam proceeds to treat him like a dog, like he has for the last two fucking movies.
S: I was gonna say, it's not like it's out of character for him.
O: No.
S: So, Sam is only allowed in due to being vouched for by Lennox, and witnesses Optimus reviving Sentinel Prime.
O: With the Matrix making its grand anti-gravity return to do so, as it floats out of Optimus’ chest.
S: Optimus then grabs it and stabs Sentinel with it.
O: I mean, that worked in the last movie. It's how they revived Optimus, technically speaking!
S: [sighs] That's true. Sentinel's Earth alt will ultimately be a fire truck, and he is in fact Optimus’ mentor. He's like Plato, a philosopher and a wrestler, because he's immediately ready to throw down when he wakes up. He is physically modeled after Sean Connery and has some pretty nice metal facial hair.
O: And here… I will tell you, the movie does something right. Sentinel Prime is an interesting character. His alt mode is interesting, his relationship with Optimus is interesting, and that he's voiced by Leonard- freaking- Nimoy as goddamn, borderline genius. Okay, maybe the last one’s just me, but the guy was freaking Spock. You can't tell me there isn't some weird baked in desire to trust the guy as soon as he opens his mouth. Like, I'm like, “Yes! Wise old mentor figure, I completely buy this, carry on.”
S: Now I want to know what Leonard Nimoy thought of voicing two different Transformers characters
O: I don't know! I- I- I remember at the time this came out it was the- I think it was the last role Nimoy did before his death and a lot of people were pissed about that.
S: Mm.
O: And that, somehow he's related to Bay through marriage somehow? And they- a lot of people are like, oh, that's the only reason he did it, or something like that. I have no idea the truth of that, but- but I mean, he was in an earlier Transformers movie. It's not like this is completely out of character for him or something.
S: Yeah, like, he voiced uh, Galvatron.
O: Mm-hm, in the original animated movie.
[Nimoy’s second wife, Susan Bay, is Michael Bay’s cousin. ~O]
S: Mm-hm. So, Sam is brought to Mearing's office, where she basically tells him off for forcing his way in and refuses to let him help.
O: WHICH, if this was any other situation but a Michael Bay movie, this would be treated as a- the reasonable decision that it is. Sam is not a trained professional on any of the things that are happening right now, and let's face it he got lucky saving the world twice. Not because he's like, innately intelligent or skilled at something specific. He just sort of tends to be in the right place at the right time.
S: Yep, plot armor. Bee does return to the apartment with Sam and Carly though, which makes sense since he's [Sam’s] been attacked by a Con once already this movie. Time for bodyguard duty.
O: I hope you're all ready for the return of our good buddy Agent- fucking- Simmons. Again.
S: [long drawn out groan]
O: This time in an interview with Bill O'Reilly.
S: [groans again] I must say, as one of the two people in this movie playing themselves Buzz Aldrin was definitely cooler. I really want to give Buzz Aldrin a high five.
O: Simmons however, is now a writer and seems to have made quite a bit of money for himself.
S: Well, I guess he can… put out conspiracy theory schlock. [sighs]
O: Is it a conspiracy theory when the shit is actually happening? Or happened? I mean, the giant robots are known about now, it's not like they're a conspiracy theory anymore.
S: That's true, but that doesn't mean he's limited to the giant robots.
O: That's true, that's true.
S: But, mmm, Sam calls him and Simmons eventually caves and picks up the phone because the man is attracted to danger of the giant robot variety.
O: His awesome new aid, Dutch, is introduced here as well.
S: Who is played by the far too good for this movie, Alan Tudyk.
O: I literally yelled, “Why the fuck are you here!?!” When we re-watched this movie to do this episode.
S: Mm-hm. He is easily one of the best characters in this entire film.
O: We are given almost no background on Dutch. But he's German, it's pretty clear that he's got some skill around computers and hacking, and he can be a total badass in a fight.
S: It's like, there is so much going on here, and instead of explaining anything they just kind of throw the entire suitcase in.
O: Yeah, yeah. He's just here, and he's gonna continue to be here. No explanation will be given.
S: Yep, elsewhere Sentinel and Optimus are having a talk.
O: Optimus actually offers Sentinel the Matrix, but Sentinel turns him down because Optimus is the one who knows more about Earth. Which is where they are now.
S: Mm-hm. Simmons and Dutch have set up shop in Sam's apartment, as they are helping investigate the papers given to him by Wang.
O: Sam's boss shows up with Wang's employment record in tow.
S: Mm-hm. So, yeah, Brazos is there with stuff proving that Wang worked for NASA or whatever. And the guy has a weird couple of minutes like, playing- fake boxing with Bumblebee who does not look too happy with this thing.
O: And I don't know what we're supposed to get from this? Like, this is the last scene this guy is in. It doesn't come up again, and I don't really know if we're supposed to just think he's eccentric or like, equate him with treating Bumblebee like a dog or an animal or something? Which, sure fine, but Sam already does that and have that- in fact, has already did that- done that in this movie so it's not like this is like super shocking.
S: Yep. Personally I- I just think Brazos is there to have the time of his life for a few minutes of like, “Oh cool, giant robot up close!” And then he leaves, he's like, “Thank you, thank you. This was so worth it,” or something.
O: It's weird.
S: Yeah.
O: The group is doing research using a laptop that is evidently Brains’ alt mode.
S: Yeah, I think it might tr- I think he might end up smoking at some point like, he transforms?
O: I don’t remember.
S: So poor Bee is not- this place is not to scale for poor Bee. He hits a chandelier almost immediately before Carly walks in on Bee, Sam, and two guys she doesn't even know in her living room.
O: And she gets pissed with Sam because she believes he's purposely putting himself in danger.
S: I mean, she's the only sane person in this movie.
O: Pretty much. We see her get dressed up for some sort of party and then she leaves in the shiny new car her creepy boss gave her.
S: Her boss gave her Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG, which is a super expensive car at $200,000.
O: At that time.
S: Yep, but it's a very, very sexy car.
O: She also takes Sam's lucky bunny with her. Ripping off its leg and handing it to Sam.
S: Calling back to the bit where he was like, “It's not the whole bunny, it's just the leg,” and making- he made gestures around the leg at the beginning of the movie- it was dumb.
O: Which is why we didn't comment on it initially.
S: Yeah.
O: But uh, Sam, Simmons, and Dutch track down two former Russian cosmonauts to some kind of underground bar.
S: These guys should be older than they look- if they were supposed to land on the Moon. But they look like, 50, tops.
O: Yeah, like, they really look like they're probably in their 40s.
S: Yeah, and like, tensions rise. Several people pull out guns, and then Dutch goes apeshit.
O: Hey Dutch, can I aim your great talents in a Sam-ward direction, please?
S: Or just in a villain direction, maybe?
O: [laughs]
S: Simmons calls Dutch off, and the two Soviets let the group in on some Russian photos of the dark side of the Moon.
O: Including images that suggest that the Deceptions raided the Ark and took hundreds of these other space bridge pillars.
S: Mm-hm. Leading them to reach the conclusion that the Deceptions wanted Sentinel to be revived, and allowed the Autobots to find him so Optimus could bring him back with the Matrix.
O: Sam calls Mearing and lets her in on this. So, she actually scrambles for people because as unreasonable as Sam is being he does bring up a valid point.
S: Mm-hm. three police trucks begin following the Autobots accompanying Simmons and Sam on the highway before one of them transforms and grabs Simmons out of his vehicle, because this is like an open-topped convertible or something?
O: I- I think it had a sunroof, and maybe it reached through the sunroof? I'm not sure.
S: Oh, maybe, yeah, so.
O: It's not important. He grabs Simmons, that's really the only important part of that about this.
S: Yeah, Simmons basically gets tossed. And he is unfortunately, mostly unharmed by this.
O: I want to call these uh, these guys the Predator robots because they're all these dreadlocked big guys.
S: They honestly do kind of look like Predators.
O: The three are collectively called, “The Dreads,” but their individual names are Crankcase, Crowbar, and Hatchet.
S: And like the other two movies, we have a fairly active fight scene on a highway and do not focus at all on the large number of casualties for the other human civilians that are happening all around these characters.
O: Yup!
S: Or caused by these characters. I do like that two of these Cons are like roller skating and the other one is a quadruped.
O: There's some nice locomotion variety, if you will.
S: Mm-hm. There's an interesting shot of Bee transforming midair and then catching Sam, because Sam was still inside him, to put him back in his cab before landing back in car mode on the highway which freaks Sam the fuck out.
O: Don't blame him!
S: I mean, fair, yes, I too would be-
O: Hyperventilating?
S: Honest- honestly, I'd probably thrown up. Which would make no one happy.
O: Yeah, uh, Sam and Bee arrive at NEST, just in time to see Sentinel Prime betray them and shoot Ironhide with some kind of cosmic rust gun.
S: It's murder time, guys!
O: And Ironhide disintegrates into dust.
S: Poor Ironhide, he really deserved better.
O: They all deserved better. None of them will get it.
S: Yes. After reaching the conclusion that it was impossible to win the war Sentinel had apparently entered into a secret alliance with Megatron before the Ark left Cybertron.
O: But through a stroke of bad luck, the Ark was hit when attempting to escape off world. Sentinel believes that the only thing that can revive Cybertron is basically sacrificing another planet, and he intends to do that with Earth.
S: It's just a thing that giant alien robots want to do-
B: Apparently.
S: Sentinel goes on a rampage through NEST. Destroying a bunch of shit as he goes to retrieve the space bridge pieces that were brought back with his body, and that the humans basically have in super custody.
O: Mearing, to her credit, is fucking furious by all this and Sentinel's like, “I don't take orders from you!”
S: Yep. Sam goes back to his and Carly's apartment looking for Carly, even asking his parents if they've seen her.
O: Insert awkward conversation here. You've seen his parents, you know how this goes. We are not going into detail about this this time.
S: We are not, and I apparently managed to block it out entirely.
O: Good for you! But including but not limited to, his mom commenting on the size of her son’s schlong. No ma'am. No- no, why?
S: Maybe she's just constantly high now?
O: I'd agree with you, but to be fair, she was like this in the first movie. Before we had proof she did any kind of pot.
S: That is true. Oh- god, she's probably a wine mom. She's probably drunk all the time.
O: Uh, that I would believe. Sam tells his parents to get out of DC because he's worried about their safety. And thankfully they listen to him, and we are spared their presence for the remainder of the damn movie.
S: Oh, good. Now in the National Mall, Megatron steals Mr. Lincoln's chair again! Much more violently than before.
O: Mr. Lincoln… is a smoking pile of rubble!
S: This is a weird number of things that have been removed or destroyed from basically that area in DC. Considering that technically um, Jetfire stole himself.
O: [laughs] Yeah! Yeah.
S: So, the Autobots track down Sentinel.
O: Optimus attempts to talk to him, but ultimately fails to dissuade him from opening a space bridge to the Moon.
S: This allows a large number of Deceptions who've apparently just been chilling on the Moon to immediately teleport to Earth.
O: Sentinel does let Optimus go here.
S: Sam tracks down Carly who's with her boss, and he tries to get her to safety. Getting into her car but whomp, whomp, whomp, SURPRISE!
O: The car is SOUNDWAVE! I do genuinely like this. I like the idea of Soundwave being undercover in this way. It was very good.
S: He does break dancing moves to transform, that's pretty cool.
O: Uh, meaning, by the way, that uh, Soundwave has very expensive taste. Because as we said he was like, two hundred thousand dollars at the time of the making of this movie. [laughs]
S: I wonder if he costs more now?
O: Probably?
S: Or if the price has depreciated with age.
O: I have no idea, but Dylan reveals himself to be working with the Deceptions, like his father had done before him.
S: So, yeah, he mentions his father dealing with Soundwave by name. So this means that Soundwave’s been to Earth before now and left possibly, multiple times. So, like, if the Deceptions have been active on earth for like 50 years, how do they not get their humans to infiltrate Sector 7 and like, get Megatron?
O: I- I don't know. Did they not know where he was? Or- or that like, Sector 7 specifically had him maybe?
S: I mean, that is completely possible, but you think they would have at least put feelers out.
O: I mean, that's the only thing I can think of is that NASA had- was a very front-facing agency throughout the 50’s, and so, they did infiltrate NASA.
S: Mm-hm.
O: But Sector 7 (at least from what we're told in the first movie) was like, so fucking undercover that even the VP or the-
S: The Vice President.
O: Whoever that guy was in the first movie, I can't remember. I think he was the Secretary of Defense?
S: Yeah.
O: That even he didn't know they existed. So maybe they were just so undercover that the Deceptions never even heard of them?
S: Maybe.
O: And if computers were not as widely used, and those computers had no connections to anything outside their own facility, then arguably Soundwave would have had no way to find him.
S: That's true, especially considering that the internet didn't really happen as a thing until very late 80s, early 90s.
O: Right, and that's if they even had internet connectivity in this fucking base because it was so underground and not supposed to be known about and shit.
S: Yeah. Though it would have been funny if the Deceptions had shown up significantly beforehand, because what, wasn't the cube just huge and in like, where the big dam is?
O: [laughs] Yes. Yeah, I- I don't know man. But uh, Dylan now tells Sam that if he wants to save Carly he needs to ask Optimus Prime what his strategy is going forward against the Deceptions.
S: And just to keep things interesting (and keep Sam's mouth shut) he attaches a small Deception to his arm that takes the form of a watch.
O: A watch that taps into his nervous system to detect any funny business, and while they're threatening Carly, Soundwave sprouts tentacles. Which I shouldn't find nearly as funny as I fucking do, but I cannot believe this is a detail with Soundwave that's so consistent between so many continuities!
S: It's weird, and honestly a little concerning-
O: [while laughing] A little bit!
S: But it is funny.
O: It's just like, and suddenly this car has tentacles!
S: I'm sorry, now my brain just went, “Soundwave has been pretending to be a squid somewhere near Japan.”
O: [laughs] Gojira, gojira!
S: Sorry, my brain goes weird places. Sentinel contacted the UN to give his ultimatum: Exile uh, the Autobots from Earth and allow the Deceptions to take what they need, and they'll leave Earth and peace. So much for the human governments not negotiating with terrorists.
O: Sam arrives where Mearing and her team are currently getting ready to fly to Florida.
S: Acting like a complete spaz as- as the watch is semi-piloting him, or at least his arm.
O: One poor guy is so put off by Sam's behavior here that he channels our own feelings and tells Sam to get away from him.
S: Oh god, yeah, I'm channeling that man so much whenever I have to think about Sam. They arrive at the Kennedy Space Station [Center] where the Autobot ship, the Xantium, has remained docked since the beginning of the second wave of Autobots arriving on Earth.
O: And I- even though it's spelled that way I think they say it as ‘Xanthium’? Even though there's no ‘h’ in there. So, if we're saying it weird that's why. It's because (I think) it's said one way and spelled another, so whatever.
S: Yeah.
O: This ship is a reference to a ship of the same name (or at least the same spelling) in the IDW 2005 continuity.
S: In both the movie and the comic the ship is associated with the Wreckers.
O: Not that it will come up in the context of this movie, really, but I- if we haven't already mentioned in previous episodes… The Wreckers are an Autobot task force that's known for being kind of rowdy, and often having to take on really dangerous missions.
S: Yeah. Three Wreckers are introduced here, Roadbuster, Topspin, and Leadfoot.
O: Unfortunately, they don't say or do much plot worthy beyond being introduced, and being involved with fight scenes later.
S: Yeah. We do get to see that Epps works with the Wreckers now though, and uh, Simmons is here, again. Now in a wheelchair from the highway incident.
O: Come to find out that Simmons and Mearing previously had a fling. Which, lady I really thought you had better taste than this. There is nothing appealing about Simmons on any conceivable level .
S: He's like a cockroach in human form, except there are cockroaches with infinitely more charm.
O: Nothing can kill him, of course he's a fucking cockroach!
S: Sam says goodbye to Brains and Wheelie.
O: Who are in dog cages!?!
S: That is so demeaning.
O: And yet, here we are. Sam asks Optimus what the Autobots’ plans to fight back against the Deceptions are. Optimus tells him there are no plans.
S: And the watch is like, instigating some of this questioning.
O: Clearly, yeah.
S: Cuz- cuz spy time. [sighs] At least this plot makes more sense than the episode where they're banished from Earth because- well, the episode in G1 where they’re banished from Earth because that was just one entire city.
O: Right, after this one town saw some doctored footage, and then they shoved them all into a rich guy's freaking random rocket that was just there? [laughs]
S: Honestly, that just seems like such a… such a way of killing the giant robots that showed up on your planet
O: No kidding! But uh, speaking of random rich guys. Uh, Dylan and Sam have a- have a phone conversation.
S: The Autobots’ rocket launches, but is shot down by Starscream and destroyed. After the Autobot ship blows up the Deception watch just releases itself from Sam's hand and toddles on off.
O: Why didn't they kill him!? Like, there's no good reason to leave Sam alive at this point. The watch really was just like, “Oh, okay, the Autobots are dead, bye!”
S: It wants the emotional pain, maybe?
O: [laughs] I don't know. Maybe- no, he could have killed him. Maybe it was just like, no- no- no, if we kill him it'll attract too much attention?
S: Maybe, maybe, yeah. Sam immediately goes to Dutch and Simmons to ask them to track his phone call with Dylan.
O: And Dutch is able to track Dylan to the Chicago Trump Tower.
S: Like, I don't remember if this was the bit where he was like, “Yeah, this is hard but not for me.” Or if that’s a different bit.
O: I think that's later, where he's dealing with some traffic cameras or something.
S: Oh yeah, yeah, that sounds about right. So yeah, the Chicago Trump Tower, we did not need to go there but-
O: Here we are.
S: Yeah. Epps volunteers to take out Dylan.
O: And also rounds up several more ex-NEST guys, and off to Chicago everybody goes.
S: Yup. Meanwhile, with Carly and Dylan, Carly realizes that the Decepticons don't want resources, they want people to help rebuild Cybertron.
O: Oh god, they want people!
S: The Cons begin fucking up Chicago and sealing off the city.
O: The movie tries to have a moment of sadness as the humans are outnumbered etc, etc… The problem is, that this movie has not shown itself capable of portraying human suffering in any meaningful or interesting way. Except Sam's inane suffering, maybe. So why should I find any of this believable!?
S: Humans are running and screaming all over the place. Which, given the state of everything in the background, it seems like the destruction has been happening for a while so uh, why are they only screaming and running now?
O: You'd think they would have either evacuated, or gone into hiding already or something.
S: Epps tries to convince Sam to not do something stupid, like go save Carly by himself.
O: Of course, while they're having this fucking conversation they just stand out in the open and are unsurprisingly attacked by Cons!
S: Optimus and company show up, saving everybody's asses.
O: Optimus has a shotgun. Daddy's got a shotgun!
S: The Wreckers all appear to be based on NASCARs.
O: But you know, with guns. Which is super silly, and I'm kind of here for it.
S: Yeah. They would have made more sense as like, demolition derby cars.
O: Yeah, absolutely! That would have been a lot of fun I think.
S: Except now I'm just imagining a demolition derby combine.
O: [laughs] I mean… surely that's been done? Surely, that's been done somewhere!?
S: Probably, but I mean, demolition derby combine Transformer.
O: [laughs]
S: Wouldn't that just kick so much ass?
O: It would be- he would have a lot of trouble driving everywhere though.
S: Oh yeah, but I mean, Mirage in G1. He's not even street legal!
O: [laughs] Yeah, but I'd love to see them try to catch him.
S: [long prolonged laugh] Yeah, sorry.
O: But uh, “How did the Autobots survive?” you might be asking.
S: They hid in the rocket boosters, which detach once the rocket takes off.
O: And turns out that the Deceptions are trying to turn Chicago into a fortress. Who'da thunk it?
S: Oh god, did- did they bring back the City of Steel with this too!?!
O: Mmm, they don't really terraform it so I'm gonna go with, no.
S: You know, it would have been funny if they just did one movie that called back to a bunch of different episodes. That would at least be stupidly funny.
O: Yeah, yeah.
S: I mean, they kind of did it here but-
O: Not in a fun way.
S: Yeah. So, yeah, now it's time for the Autobots to fuck some shit up!
O: Uh, but all is not happy in paradise, as Sentinel and Megatron take verbal jabs at one another. Ah, Sentinel ripping off part of Megatron's head too, and I really don't think that man can afford to lose much more brains!
S: Yep, Bumblebee takes one of the Deception ships because the Deceptions that were attacking the humans at that one point were just… it was a ship that was shooting at them.
O: And it was really close to the ground.
S: Yes, yes. So, Bumblebee takes uh, one of the ships and drops Sam onto the balcony of the building where Dylan is.
O: Sam's got a gun, but Dylan's got a Laserbeak!
S: Yep, thankfully Bee catches Sam on the ship when Laserbeak attacks him and Carly jumps to safety (on the ship). While Bee opens fire on the penthouse.
O: And Laserbeak gets his head blown off. [sighs] My boy. Um, there's so much breaking glass not just here but later, and I was really mad at first- uh, when we watched this because I didn't think the glass was breaking in a realistic way but actually, when I tried to look up high-rise glass it seems like this glass is at least functioning like tempered glass. Which, when it's broken does crack into these like tiny, tiny shards so that it's relatively harmless if it lands on somebody. However, it still breaks too fucking easily, especially when the humans are breaking it. And from what I could tell, tempered glass isn't exactly what they use in high-rise buildings it was just sort of the closest comparison I could find when I was trying to look up stuff. Which, you know, debatable.
S: Mm-hm. Dylan tells the Cons that the Autobots are alive, So it's like. “Surprise! Bad news guys.”
O: [laughs] Megatron orders his Deceptions to guard the command pillar that's controlling the space bridge.
S: Sam and the Autobots, the ex-NEST, folks find a downed military drone and are able to convey information to Mearing. This gives them enough information to mobilize NEST.
O: And now military porn, whilst invigorating music plays! Glad to see the military industrial complex is alive and well.
S: Well, it did pay for this movie, which I think I should be mad at them about.
O: But into the battle, into the fray the Autobots go! Uh, Brains and Wheelie are riding one of the Wreckers. It's cute, I like it. [laughs]
S: Shockwave and his worm mobile make an entrance.
O: The humans take cover in a building.
S: Que gives them various weapons and explosives.
O: Sam and co continue to try to get up high enough to get a clear line of sight so they can take out the command pillar, and then the actual NEST guys enter the city by jumping out of drop ships in wing suits.
S: This is a very spray and prey method of depositing people into a combat zone, but I mean I guess that's what uh, parachuting into a place was like too.
O: Much like a teenage boy in bed for the first time!
S: So many people die here, as Cons shoot the ships down.
O: Sam's group attempts to escape a high-rise building that's been attacked by Deception fire.
S: They're all having like, a pretty bad time now.
O: The building basically cracks in half and the top half (which I think, is the half they're in) starts falling.
S: Yeah, or it starts to tip.
O: Yeah.
S: Or something. So, they jump through some windows to escape and like, they're the windows on the upper half so there's… yeah?
O: I want to know why they didn't jump through some of the ones that were already broken!? Also, still way too easy to break, but they were breaking the windows and then jumping out of them despite there being broken windows around.
S: We need the drama of breaking windows. We need to go defenestrate ourselves post haste apparently.
O: Apparently.
S: Shockwave summons his worm to attack the building.
O: Driller bot needs enrichment! Uh, I would also like to offer an alternative take on the Driller bot, if I may? “This is not my pet, it's my wife!”
S: Like a blanket octopus! [sighs] The male is like 10,000 times smaller than the female.
O: [laughs] This- this is Driller bot and her tiny husband.
S: Or like an angler fish.
O: Or something!
S: Except- except in that case, Shockwave should really be attached to Driller bot at some point.
O: And it looks like Optimus did keep the Jetfire parts! Um, as he has to make his way back to his trailer that they had to abandon earlier (kind of) when Shockwave initially attacked them.
S: Mm-hm. Or at least we think that's what it is, because he's got a jet backpack. Which, one would presume is made from the jet backpack that Jetfire so generously uh, gave him with his own death.
O: Yeah, this is ever so slightly more respectful than shrugging them off at the end of the last movie?
S: Yeah, I mean, it looks like he's had them repainted. Which, okay, I guess.
O: And it's Optimus versus Shockwave time. At least until Optimus gets hung up on a building.
S: More fucking up world heritage sites! Now with Deceptions with space bridge pillars. There's world heritage sites, major cities, the Deceptions are everywhere.
O: And then it's time for Starscream versus the humans.
S: Sam manages to use a glove he got from Que to blind Starscream, and then uses another device to blow up Starscream's head.
O: Killed by fucking Sam. How ignoble!
S: Back at NEST headquarters, Dutch continues to be a surprisingly good hacker. Gaining access to the traffic cameras so they can continue to see what is going on in Chicago.
O: And then, several Autobots have been captured by Soundwave.
S: We don't even get to see how any of this happens. Like, this would be more interesting than what we've been watching, I think?
O: Sentinel channels Spock and says, “You simply fail to understand that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few!” while activating the space bridge, and thanks, I hate it.
S: Cybertron begins to come into view super close to Earth disrupting the orbital cycles of nine planets.
O: It's fine! It's fine, it's fine! Earth would be you know, completely destroyed within its gravitational vortex or whatever, it's FINE!!!
S: And now with the Bots and Soundwave. Bee wasn't here in the earlier shot. How and when did Bee get captured?
O: Who the hell knows? Bay wouldn't know what continuity was if it rose from the grave and bit his dick off.
S: And then Que is killed.
O: Which should be sad, but it's just kind of a thing that happens at this point.
S: It's not even like we got an opportunity to connect with these characters, unfortunately.
O: We've seen Que I think, like, three times?
S: Yeah.
O: I mean, four I guess, if you count this. And he- he- he did things, but yeah, you didn't really get to see him like, interact with people in like, meaningful ways.
S: Yeah. It's just like, unfortunately with this series there's not a lot of opportunity for characters to like, have appeal.
O: Mm-hm.
S: Or to be appealing. It's just like, they're there, they shoot stuff, and then they may die.
O: Though they do have an Old Yeller moment with Bumblebee and Sam before Soundwave goes to kill Bee.
S: Fortunately for Bee, Brains and Wheelie start fucking shit up. Dropping a huge ass ship from the sky.
O: Bumblebee is able to escape, and takes out Soundwave with a shot to his head and his spinal column. And yet… this is still a less embarrassing death than Starscream’s because at least he was killed by a Cybertronian.
S: Mm-hm. And all the NEST army guys start coordinating and taking out Cons. We get some callbacks to some of the training that we did that they did earlier in this film. And like, at this point they've also had like, marine operations come in. Like, some of them came in through the river.
O: Yeah.
S: So, there's more than just the wing suit guys.
O: Yeah, because it's basically- you have the NEST guys, and then you start having a bunch of kind of military people coming in too.
S: Yeah, so like, there are some bits with a parachute and then Shockwave is blinded by a parachute and takes a beating from the humans.
O: But is at least ultimately killed by Optimus who's managed to free himself from earlier.
S: Mm-hm. Via a punch to the chest and then ripping out his eye no less. Which… this seems to be a trend?
O: Weirdly enough. Optimus then targets Sentinel. Which, axe, axe, baby!
S: It's an axe versus sword and shield fight.
O: Sam attempts to get to the control pillar leaving Carly behind somewhere safe.
S: But instead, Carly confronts Megatron and Megatron asks if she's there to surrender. And he's just like, sitting there.
O: [snorts] But NO, Carly is here to lay down the god damn truth telling Megatron that in a few minutes he's going to be and I quote, “Nothing but Sentinel's bitch.” She says this to his fucking face and he doesn't kill her. This is amazing, and what the fuck!?!
S: Mm-hm, this causes Megatron to turn on Sentinel Prime.
O: It is nice to see how ruthlessly efficient he is when he's beating the crap out of a Sentinel. Like, that- that was cool.
S: Sam and Dylan have a confrontation complete with fisticuffs.
O: Sam is able to knock Dylan back against the pillar which then kills him via him getting shocked by the pillar.
S: It probably does not smell so great.
O: Probably not.
S: Bee tackles the pillar finally turning the darn thing off.
O: So Cybertron begins to fade away.
S: Optimus uses his axe to take off Megatron's head, and then picks up Megatron's gun and kills Sentinel Prime with two shots to the chassis.
O: In a better movie there'd be a fuck ton of symbolism around this, but this is not that movie.
S: The only symbolism in this movie is, “Is this sexy?”
O: And like a fart to the wind the fight comes to a freaking end.
S: Bee tries to hint that Sam should propose though this does not happen. And it's a good damn thing that it didn't, because this is not the sound basis to build a relationship on.
O: And we close with patented Optimus monolog.
S: And with a rather telling line about allies eventually turning against them.
O: Yes, in the next fucking film in fact!
S: Simmons basically sexually assaults Mearing, and she's like, “Arrest him.”
O: FINALLY!
S: And we end with another Linkin Park song, Iridescent.
O: I think you mean, [singing] Let it go! Let it go! We can't hold it back anymore. [returns to normal speaking voice] In all seriousness, the chorus repeats the phrase, “Let it go,” like, multiple times. I know this was before Frozen but it made me laugh way too fucking hard. And it was so soft I actually didn’t think it was a Linkin Park song when we first heard it, but I kind of dig it with when listening to it when not watching this movie. But, we're done guys! WE’RE DONE! No more freaking Sam!!!
S: Yay! So, what do we think about this movie?
O: Well, it was bad. Super bad. Replacing Mikaela with Carly was a bad idea. Not blaming Megan Fox, because honestly, Bay seems like a nightmare to work for and you know what? You do you, ma'am. But from a story perspective it was not good. Soundwave was actually great! Him pretending to be Carly's car was perfect. I enjoyed that Laserbeak could turn into a bunch of shit, even if it maybe didn't make the most sense. It made Soundwave and Laserbeak really competent at the whole covert ops thing. Uh, Sentinel's character and his casting were fantastic, but unfortunately, he was just not utilized very well. Loved his design, and that he kind of looked like an old paladin was really cool.
S: Mm-hm. His about face was you know, too quick and had no build up. But honestly, I think Laserbeak being able to turn into a bunch of things made some sense in the context that uh, Frenzy could do roughly the same thing in the first movie. Because what, he turned into a boombox? And then what? I think also a phone at one point when he was like, a head.
O: Did he? Oh, you're right he totally did because he stabbed Mikaela's phone.
S: Yes.
O: So, you're right. It's just apparently, Soundwave’s babies can do this for some reason.
S: Yes. And I mean, Ravage could go paper thin or CD thin.
O: He- he couldn't. His baby could. The thing he spit out.
S: Oh, that’s what I was thinking of, yeah that. Well, I'm assuming Ravage could turn into more than just the- other- I'm assuming he could do other things.
O: Probably, we don't unfortunately get to see him do very much.
S: Yeah.
O: But I- I think Megatron did even less in this movie than the previous two and he did not do a fuck ton in those. I mean, like, considering, he was completely out of commission for like, the first half of the first movie. Eh, he will ultimately be slightly more enjoyable in movie four because Welker's back, so he at least sounds like Megatron now. I- I know Cullen's the one that everybody remembers, but I'm really fond of Welker's Megatron voice and it has been a negative for me in all three of these movies. Uh, Starscream didn't get to do much. Shockwave is neat, even though he also didn't get to do much, he at least had a giant worm wife.
S: Yup. I mean, the Autobots didn't do all that much either. Like, the only thing we really see them doing aside from doing NEST stuff, and like, the final battle, and being shipped off Earth to blow up was when they invaded Iran. Or that military complex in Iran and that was just… why?
O: Yeah, and Dylan was actually interesting and could have- there could have been I think an interesting discussion within his character arc about you know, like, the sins of his father and choosing to be something different than your parents or different from their expectations, but they just didn't do anything with it.
S: Mm-hm.
O: And I know we didn't go into this as much in our recap, but something Specs and I both kept saying when we were watching this was that this story should have been an examination of Sam's PTSD. Which… he would totally have after the events of the previous movies.
S: Mm-hm. Considering he was a teenager that got dragged into a giant robot war and was integral in defeating the enemies both times and- It’s like, that's a lot of pressure to put on a kid, and it now seems like it's something that has really impacted him, considering that he's based his entire identity, more or less, on being the guy involved in the giant robot fights.
O: Right, and like, you know, they didn't really go into it in the movies but people were dying around him constantly.
S: Mm-hm.
O: Especially like, at the end of the second movie when like, the army- when NEST and I think, like, the military guys got involved in that last fight it- like, it was not… like, he is very much lucky to be alive and probably should also have survivors guilt on top of everything else.
S: Yeah. Which honestly, this would be a much more interesting movie if it basically involved him dealing with his issues from the previous two and his PTSD and the survivor's guilt that you mentioned. Instead it just- how he acts, it comes across like he wants to be important, he wants to have a job that makes him feel like he's contributing to something, and he doesn't want to work up to it because he feels like he's already I don't know, done the legwork by being in the goddamn giant robot war. And it feels like Mikaela probably left him because he just doesn't grow he is literally the same- He is stuck in traction. He's the same fucking 17 year old he was at the first- in the first movie.
O: Yeah, and like, that could be I think an interesting story, but we're never really shown within the context of the narrative that Sam's in the wrong. Like, when you look at Sam and you look at his relationships and how he reacts to others it- it's pretty clear that Sam is the one with a problem. Like it- like Sam and Bumblebee's relationship Sam is the one with the problem. Bee has been nothing but supportive. Sam and you know, presumably Mikaela, I'm pretty sure Sam was the problem.
S: Mm-hm.
O: Like, we aren't really shown anything that seems to indicate that like Mikaela would have been shitty to him. I'm not saying she couldn't have, we're just not given that indication. Where I feel like we're given a lot more like, evidence within the plot of Sam kind of being a jerk.
S: Yeah, and I mean the thing is Mikaela has had to grow up early.
O: Yeah.
S: She was mature. She had- basically had to take care of herself considering her father ended up in jail and there's no real indication of another parental figure there.
O: I mean, like, you assume she had to be living with somebody because she was way too young.
S: Yeah.
O: But- but it certainly means that like she didn't she didn't have like, her parents there.
S: Like, she didn't have a safety net like Sam had.
O: Mm-hm.
S: With his fancy shmancy rich- like, his parents probably didn't think of themselves as rich but they're rich. His dad has like, a vintage car.
O: Vintage car, they have a huge fucking camper.
S: Yes.
O: And they're now just traveling across the US. I mean, I guess, his dad could have been retired but like, his dad doesn’t that look that old?
S: Like, his parents have like a water feature and stuff in their yard. Their car- their house is big, they're in California where the cost of living is fucking expensive.
O: Expensive!
S: Yeah, yeah, and it's pretty obvious that a lot of his issues come from his family too. Like, this family has issues.
O: Yeah. Um, and NEST and Mearing were fine. They were fairly competent. You got to see more trust between the members of NEST and the Autobots. Which was nice, but isn't really focused on.
S: Yep, and unfortunately if anyone was looking forward to us doing an episode on Age of Extinction, you're going to have to wait for a little while.
O: Yeah, let's just say that next year we're going to break the live action movie pattern and uh, Dare to be Stupid, shall we?
S: [singing] Dare to be stupid! Dare be stupid! What you gonna do? Dare to be stupid!
O: [laughs] Um, ironically there will be more Leonard Nimoy involved.
S: Yes, yes.
O: So, that's a weird pattern but uh, as always, Happy Holidays, dear listeners! Thank you for listening to us. I'm honestly surprised we made it this far. [laughs]
S: Yep, yep. Thank you so much guys! We will be taking the rest of December and January off for the holidays ourselves.
O: And we'll be back in February with episode 56 the Search for Vector Sigma, part two. And remember to check us out on our Tumblr and Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned. Uh, we are also going to reblog a very short kind of fic somebody wrote, but they did it on Tumblr and it doesn't have a title so I can't like, give you a good link verbally.
S: Mm-hm.
O: You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (which is all the word), and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify and Youtube just named a few. And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube or AO3.
S: Until next time I'm Specs.
O: And I'm Owls!
S: Toodles.
[Outro Music]
S: Sockwave shum- Sockwave summons-
O: Do you mean Shockwave? It sounded like you were saying ‘Sockwave’.
S: [laughs]
O: And here’s our new Decepticon, Sockwave! He steals all your socks.
S: Sorry, now I'm just imagining a sock puppet based on Shockwave.
O: [laughs] He doesn't even have a mouth! How does that work!?