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Heart break can have a funny pattern on people, it can have a kaleidoscope effect. Eyed dimmed in a rose coated pattern of touch and go. You can be working one day and the next calling your mom in a hurry because you’re on your way from New York back home to California. Soon enough your entire apartment is boxed back up and put into storage as you sublease the apartment to some cute couple and their baby. Your ticket is for Bright Blue Airlines row 43 seat 5. And maybe that’s the start of things.
The woman next to her is starting conversation. “My Edgar proposed after five years.” And she nods, listening. Tuning out half the convo. Though what she hears? This woman deserves her own dateline special.
She hates a few things about this entire situation
“ I waited by the door like I was
just a kid! “
She hated the way the moment the plane touched down in the Southern California area she could feel the sweat on her body stick to her shirt. She hated how she could feel the glance of strangers as they saw her pick up her bags from the baggage claim. She kind of stuck out like a sore thumb. Her hair in a tight bun making her look and feel older than her twenty three years on this earth . . . Everyone else looked ready for vacation with loose shirts and shorts. She wore a plaid dress and flats. People passing her like they saw a ghost. Maybe this was her own fears though . . . When you spend so long on the outside. Being on the inside is a little weird.
She hated how she didn’t have anyone to pick her up, her mom at one of her meetings, Cassie still not talking to her . . . And her friends. She didn’t know where they were. If she could still call them her friends.
“You NEVER gave me a sign!”
She shook her head, brown curls bouncing as she passed each person. Some held up signs reading for loved ones. Lexi? Just got into her rental car and drove. Drove past the palm trees. Past the beaches and past the different areas she knew a little too well.
She knew the school, the way the lights would flicker in and out, how the toilets would clog and how some of her favorite and least favorite moments would all happen there. . . She knew the church down the road. The one where her dad drug her to a Sunday mass even though she wasn’t sure if she believed in god or anything of that power. She knew the parking lot of the church where she and friends would star gaze and she felt at rest but like a disaster at the same time . . .
She knew the cafe she and friends would get milkshakes in best of all. So she sat on the outside deciding whether or not she wanted to go in or stay out like the observer she always felt like she was. There were only a few dim streetlights on this stretch of sidewalk, and as she looked around them, she knew that courage needed to be gained and she needed to go in . . . To avoid the screaming of her head telling her that it was a bad idea. Lexi looked at the some of the people she passed. Each one told some kind of bright story of why they were here. And her story? She felt had been stuck on the prologue since she was sixteen. As her backside hit the wooden bench peace was filled in this world for even just one moment. Hearing a familiar voice in the background. As her body turned to face the voice. Eye contact was made and there they were . . .
Rue Bennett
Sitting like some Greek hero waiting for their battle anthem to start playing. And Lexi wondered — did they still use the oak and cedar wood shampoo and conditioner they did when in high school? Did she still order an Oreo milkshake but take the large chunks of cookie out of it? And mostly . . . Did they want Lexi to approach. Saying hi and letting their voices mash once again. Lexi wanted to approach them, give a battle hero welcome. But instead — Lexi sat. Ordering her own strawberry milkshake.
[ NEW TEXT FROM RUE ]
RUE: you know I don’t bite. You can say hey?
And Lexi smiled, reading the message
LEXI: but I just ordered a milkshake , what if they don’t find me ??
RUE: fine I’ll just go over there ;)
she rolled her eyes lightly. And Lexi noted while rue was in passing, that yes the same shampoo and conditioners had been used. Lexi smiled faintly at that. Maybe things hadnt changed as much as Lexi feared . . .
“I’m sorry . . . I don’t think we can.”
“How have you been?” Lexi asked , hands folded in front of her on the table. Rue gave a chuckle. The kind that sent shivers riveting up her spine, and caused her to feel a chill that wouldn’t be found typically in a California august.
The other finally does answer though with a light shrug “same as I have the last few years.” And Lexi nods, from her posts online she could tell that some things, a person just can’t speak about . . . “How are you?”
She feels like a pine tree in a forest of palm trees. While it might be beautiful, it sticks out. And you’re able to see it from a hundred miles away. She feels like a bottle of soda that has been shaken by energetic toddlers for the last ten minutes. She feels like there’s no true way to explain what she’s feeling, because none of it would make sense to begin with. Instead of saying all of this she says “i can say the same.” And she shrugs. Seeing rue pull a big chunk of Oreo out of her cookie. Smashing it with her spoon into a napkin made her realize . . . Things hadn’t changed. They might have had a few more scrapes and scratches. But they were still the kids that fell off monkey bars and wore bandaids like battle wounds.
“Well you were wrong about that!”
The two fell into a casual pattern of conversation. Rue would ask “so how’s your relationship with mr hot shot lawyer.” To which lacing emotion Lexi would mumble back “oh we broke up. . . How’s little miss artist?” About rues latest girlfriend and rue would shrug “we broke up.” And it felt like that was all they needed to get out to be comfortable. For Lexi to be able to speak a little more freely.
At the end of that night, checks were payed and things were a little more calm. Lexi driving home to her moms home. Placing the key into the door and entering in. Light brown suitcase being placed on the bed of her childhood room. The room that was now all hers . . . Now that cassie was engaged and living with her fiancé. She sat on the bed and she cried. Crying for the loss of relationships. For her sister who she lost that bond with. For whatever had been going on inside her head. It took till her mom walked in to talk to her for the tears to stop. For her to sit up straight, eyes gazing up at her mom.
They’re sitting on lexis bed, Suze discussing things that had happened at work as the two are just laughing it out. It’s okay until Suze asks
“How does it feel first full week without James?”
And she pales “honestly, I don’t know who I am.” She laughs a little.
“After five years with someone , that feeling happens.” And Lexis nodding, eyes facing more towards the floor. The two would talk and all Lexi could think was
“All of our friends are here . “
She looked to her feet. Trying to bite back the tears that filled her eyes.
She doesn’t sleep much that night. Tossing and turning as she’s facing the wall. She’s texting back and forth with some old friends. Well them interrogating her as she’s trying to ignore the needles that sharpen through her spine. Each text from
[ NEW TEXT ]
“So . . . You won’t be offended if I date him right.”
Another saying
[ NEW TEXT ]
“You two would have had the cutest kids.”
The next morning she’s in the drive through of a coffee shop. Sleepily as she’s getting a large peppermint cold brew. Stirring the cup carefully as she’s sitting on a bench somewhere in the city square. It’s rue in an old band tee and plaid pants that catches lexis eyes as she waves to the other. Maybe this is the start to her heart healing. Seeing someone familiar who doesn’t seem to have an extreme sense of judgement towards her. Lexis sets the book she’s reading aside as rue walks over, and the two are discussing current events. From Cal Jacobs getting out of prison to Nate Jacobs landing in jail for attacking a crossing guard. Lexi finds herself throwing her head back laughing like a little kid. And rues smiling to her . . . And whenever she sees that smile. Something in her turns and flips like a kangaroo in a trampoline park.
She feels like a cluster of emotions, and right now all she wants to do is talk to the person in front of her and maybe other things came and left through her mind like a film reel in her home town. maybe this was how things needed to be. A cluster of shadows and broken promises. But if her wishes had come true? Her wishes would have made it so that rue was her soulmate.
And she would have taken them in any way, shape or form. Messy and shaken up, or full and complete. Each of those moments lead to who rue needed to be. And Lexi? Lexi had seen this case of metamorphosis in the flesh. Seeing all they became . . . Eventually Lexi does have to go home. Eating frozen pizzas and drinking overly fizzy cola for dinner before she heads to go shower. She dries her hair, sticking the towel back on the rack before getting into bed. It’s another night with tossing and turning to even try to get sleep. She does sleep, even if it is for an hour or two.
It takes Lexi exiting the house at three am and sneaking past her mom for Lexi to find any peace. Driving around their small neighborhood, past the bushes and trees and things she knew all too well for Lexi to feel any rest. She’s running a hand through her hair when she sees a figure at the park. Sitting on a bench with a gentle glow from a streetlamp behind them. She gets out of the car and walks over to them. Seeing rue with a notepad in one hand and a pen in the other. They’re sketching the slide in front of them, and all Lexi can think is ‘ they look so at rest . . . ‘ and she’s approaching them, smiling.
“Hey you.” Rue offers and Lexi gives a wave. Sitting down on the other side of the bench. Lexi kicks her feet and can hear rue chuckle lightly. “This was our spot while in middle school.” She points out and the other nods.
Lexi remembers different areas. On those swings Lexi got her first kiss from Daniel Coleman, she and rue his from Cassie, Maddy and Kat on that slide. She and rue would make “fairy potions” right in that sand pit. Different things brought all these emotions back to her. It all hit. And she felt like she knew everything all at once, and not at all. But she knew that once all of the thrill of her being here expired Lexi would cause rue to forget everything. The two falling in reverse and in full speed. They were like Peter and Wendy, one always leaving before the other could catch up. Fading away due to maturity causing decay. Lexi didn’t know much but when it came to rue, she knew she’d always come back to them. . .
And as Lexi wondered and pondered if she’d end up right where she was left, conversations happened and rues lips found away to meet hers. Rue tasted like peppermint and oreos was one of lexis first notes. The way her tongue wrestled with the others she could know that this wasn’t like the first time the two had shared a kiss. The next note was that whatever had happened, Lexi wanted more of that. Because this was the first time that Lexi felt like she was progressing instead of being stuck inside some kind of twisted fantasy. Haunting the rooms she passed by. This was the first time she felt like she was more than whatever mistakes had been made.
The two decide to pretend it didn’t happen. Lexi
This became a pattern the two shared for a few days. They’d meet up to catch up and soon enough that catching up became making out like sex driven teenagers. All Lexi knew was the others lips became a sacred oasis and became a home. Rue could pull her into any kind of chaos and even if she was left in paradise. Lexi would still want this.
The two of them continue this game and Lexi finds comfort in this. Finds comfort in the way things work. It’s the twenty third of august at this point. Lexis sitting on Rues couch as each things come and go. She’s a decoration in Rues Bed as much as she is at home. The two are watching one of the movies that’s on the others shelf. And usually she would be looking at the side doors and windows for the best way to leave. Right now though? That’s not something she’s noticing.
Halfway through the movie Lexi is pinned on her back as rue kisses her passionately. These things become sacred conversations, being born from one single glance as they’re together in perfect harmony. Lexi left her perfume on the shelf that day, and even though she can notice, it’s like rue doesn’t have a single care with it. It’s as if all of this is perfect how it is.
“ Don’t call me baby !”
And she’s pulling away. The two smiling to one another as thoughts flood through her head. “I um . . . I have to be honest with you.” She admits. And sits up. Rue getting off the other so she can sit freely.
“About?”
“My ex . . .” She mumbles and rues eyes widen.
“Oh. This douche canoe.”
“He wasn’t like that.”
“Then why did you two break up?” Rues eyes widen.
Lexi pauses. There’s a lot of ways she can take this, but if Lexi lies, she knows for a fact that the minute she lies or doesn’t tell the full truth. Rue would know. “He um proposed. . . “
“Well that’s exciting?“
“No it really wasn’t. I walked away.”
“Maybe you did the right thing?”
“What do you mean?”
“If you weren’t ready for marriage... after five years. There was something wrong with your relationship.”
And Lexi thinks for a moment, she knows the other was trying to help, and while help was what they did. There’s plenty that goes through her head. And she realizes . . . There was something wrong with it.
“I was the problem.”
“Lexi I don’t think you were. . . “
“I broke up with him because I didn’t love him, I lead him on?” She wanted to yell but instead she sat there, a sob escaping her lips.
Late July, three weeks before they stood dancing, Cassie’s fiancé had made this entire thing perfect, deciding it was the best way to announce his new partner in business in James Halloway, lexis own boyfriend. The Howard sisters were going to help their partners take the world by storm, except that’s not what it was. She turned to offer an applause to the DJ and as soon as she turned around, her heart dropped, “Alexis Mae Howard . . . Will you be my wife?” And her heart sank, a wine glass falling out of her hands. Shattering against the vinyl tile.
She looked around the room. At the friends they both had from college , his best friends and her ex roommates. Her best friends and the people who were in his firm. Her mom stood in the corner with Cassie. The two bright eyed as they waited for lexis answer. “Is that your mothers ring . . . ?” She asks fearing for his response.
“Of course it is, she wanted you to have it.”
As soon as those words left his body.
“ James . . . Can you um. Follow me?” She asked and seeing him nod, she grabbed his hand. Eyes gazing down towards the floor as she quickly made pace to the kitchen area. The same one she would usually sit down in to prepare breakfast for him when he stayed over. Right now, it was where she knew she’d have to fight.
“Come on lex . You can give me your answer in front of your family.” He offered, resting a hand on the side of her face in a reassuring matter
She paused. Breathing out harshly “you won’t like my answer . . . “ she managed to say. Looking up to him for just a moment. She could see the color leaving his face as she stood there “James . . . I can’t marry you. My answer is no. Nothings going to change it. “ she told him.
“No?”
“No.”
“Give me a reason.”
“I don’t have one . . . “
She was ready for any of the negative comments. Calling her selfish, broken, fucked in the head. Any of those would have been better than the silence he stood with.
“All of our friends are here . . . “
“I know.”
Her entire life, she had done everything for everyone else . . . Cared what others thought. Listened to their words even when they hurt. When they hurt she just stayed quiet and acted like it was perfect.
Perfect girl
Perfect smile
A perfect lie . . .
“You’re crazy If you throw this away.”
“Throw what away James?!”
“THE LAST FIVE YEARS?!” he offers and she pauses.
“You never truly loved me James.” She fought back, knowing it was true.
And to add on now though, she was done. Hearing him try to explain these actions made her grasp the sides of the table in front of her. Listening to what he had to say. She made up her mind, she didn’t need to hear what he had to say. And yet right now. She was.
“ Lexi, you’re acting completely irrational ! “ she heard him yell, and Lexi froze. Her entire body feeling as if it had hit rock bottom. All she could do was freeze, what was she supposed to say? Act as if she hadn’t thought about breaking it off for weeks at this point?
“ IM The irrational one?!” She yells out, her voice a pained roar.
“Of course I loved you. I wanted to fucking marry you!”
“ You loved the idea of me . . . 90% of the time you never came home. You were hiding as I waited by the door like I was just a kid! Sometimes I felt like you only just tolerated me.” She said eyes wide.
“I can do better.” He tells her, and she shakes her head.
“We both know that’s not true. I can’t marry you. I told you I didnt want to get married.”
“You NEVER gave me a sign!” and her voice snapping back with
“I gave you SO MANY SIGNS!” her voice raising as she looked from him back to the door where she knew people had been listening through it. “And second! I HATE the crowds. Why was it a good idea to propose in a crowd??” She asked, eyes scanning for some kind of answer as to why he did what he did.
He looked down to his feet. “I thought you would say yes if we were in front of your family.” And she scoffed. This was unbelievable.
“Well you were wrong about that!”
“James . . . I think we need to break it off.”
“Lexi, we can work this out, we can discuss this and we can work it out.”
“I’m sorry . . . I don’t think we can.”
He looks at her and he takes a deep breath “baby please —.”
“Don’t call me baby.”
“Fine . . . It’s over then.”
This is never how it was supposed to be but there she was, watching him walk away. Knowing more than anything that this was what she needed to do.
Rues holding her face in their hands and Lexi cries. Cries about all that’s happened and all she can’t fix. And maybe she doesn’t want to fix this , even if she could. “Lexi, you did what you needed to do. None of this makes you selfish or anything else that you might think.”
Lexis stray tears are wiped with the thumbs. The two are looking to each other and the distance is closed with lips on others.