Chapter Text
Vernon’s never been one of those people who gets easily smitten towards someone. He could count the crushes he’s had with the fingers of one hand and sometimes he didn’t even believe them to be serious enough to consider them crushes.
Having feelings for someone meant mental exhaustion for him and the few times he had the impulse to look into that someone’s eyes and his breath hitched, he hated every second of it. He despised not being in control, because when it came to other situations, he mastered at managing his emotions. But love was different, he gave up trying to understand it a long time ago, for acknowledging feeling it or something close of the sort was difficult already in the first place. Needless to say, confessing out loud to do something about it was out of his list. Risking possible rejection was terrifying. Too much at stake (nothing of more importance than his dignity, could be ruined forever) for so little reward. Humiliation had the power to crush and shut him down completely, as much as he didn't want to admit that fragile side of him. In other aspects of his life, he was loose and spontaneous, wanting to try everything, to know everything. But he couldn't jump and speak without being hundred percent sure, nor be the one who insists after a negative response.
So he never did. He didn’t know what it's like to be with someone you long for. He didn’t know the joy of having his feelings reciprocated. Instead, he carried those feelings silently upon his shoulders. He saw that someone being in love with somebody that wasn’t him.
Each time he forced himself to grow out of it, turning him indifferent until he was convinced no one could be of his interest anymore.
For a while he was safe, being an introverted teenager prevents you from meeting new people who can drag you into the uncertain path of infatuation.
He stopped looking for eye contact to find a stranger who returned the stare. He didn’t approach new people with the hope that eventually they could see him as a catch. For some time, surrendering to kiss faces he couldn't remember the next day worked for him. Though he found it unpleasant and dismissed the strategy not long after, because it was worse than liking someone; kissing without feelings involved left him empty and basically erased the purpose of doing it. When he realised superficial touches didn’t bring any satisfaction, submitting to loneliness was what he had to make peace with, as he ran out of options.
Love was no longer part of his life-plan. Things got better and the desire to connect with someone in his eyes was impossible, somehow that took the pressure off him. People nowadays are complicated and they also find him difficult to read.
University and the several courses of music production he was enrolled in took over his entire schedule and head. There wasn’t space for anything else but responsibilities and friends.
During his freshman year of University, when his social environment began to widen and he was more open to accept every invitation sent to him, the door that was once closed, started to get unlocked.
Vernon recalls bits of the day he met Wonwoo. Minghao introduced him to their group when he arrived at his house with him after they finished with the reading session of the book club they attended on Tuesdays and Fridays. He remembers lingering on his eyes and thinking instantly he was attractive. Not to the point he was distracting to him anyway /Vernon wasn’t taken aback easily, at least not at that time, when he’d spent many years without liking someone. So it was more like a progression, the more he looked at him, the more he noticed how his features were inimitable. He had everything: height, jet-black hair grazing his sharp eyes accompanied with round glasses, and thick lips. But what caught his attention the most was the confidence his posture revealed despite his quietness; the expressions he made while listening attentively and his deep voice that sounded ridiculously good to his ears as if every sound he made was part of a soft ballad. There was so much to him, so many features that —he thought— it’d take him years to discover. A person who looks stoic and tender, was worth knowing.
At times Wonwoo was extremely quiet, and other times he wouldn’t shut up, getting too excited when he was asked about things he liked.
They made sense. It can be interpreted as Vernon’s first reciprocated platonic relationship. Wonwoo came to him often, more often than he thought he would. Asking for music recommendations, crashing at his place with little notice after his classes, inviting him to his place to pet his cat and play Fallout together.
Time went by and what he thought was simply wanting him as a friend, became something else. Something he hadn’t felt for a long time. That what most songs are about. The thing he was sure wouldn’t happen to him again.
Being fair to himself, if someone asked him when it began, he wouldn’t be able to tell. It's not like he's planned it.
One day, thinking of Wonwoo made his chest feel heavier. Seeing him made his entire body freeze and at the same time, he enjoyed whenever Wonwoo put his arm around his shoulder to keep him close, back hugged him out of nowhere surprising him or rested his head on his shoulder while watching films.
Wonwoo's touches were so sudden but careful that intimacy with him was comfortable. Vernon admired how he was so cool about it. Probably Wonwoo was like that with everyone he was close with and maybe that was the reason he was liked and popular among boys and girls, apart from being extremely handsome. He was wanted but very few got to step into his comfort zone.
Vernon was the entire opposite. He rarely showed affection through physical contact (although he did like it), it was hard for him even using words to express it.
Many times Vernon tried to convince himself that he was just confused because Wonwoo just got him. There was an unspoken language between them that was created without them meaning to. It was as easy as just exchanging looks and signs with their hands to figure out what the other was thinking of.
Wonwoo liked being Vernon’s friend so much that he took his time to be aware of his boundaries as well as to find out what mattered to him. To what extent Vernon could bear and allow skin ship; to reassure him whenever he noticed Vernon was worried: low sighs that escaped from his mouth while covering his forehead and a blank stare. To hear every word when he started rambling about music, audio engineering or showed his mixing drafts he'd worked on to put in practice what he learned in the course. Unlike everyone else, Wonwoo read Vernon as if he were an open book, most times.
Maybe that’s all Vernon liked, not having to explain himself and talk about what was going on in his mind. Avoid showing vulnerability, as unhealthy as it sounds, was his way to cope. Although in the past he's tried his best to come out of his shell when things got too heavy, relying mostly on his only childhood friend for the occasion.
Two years later, that theory lost its foundations each time he couldn’t look away when Wonwoo was so engrossed in reading that he was sure he forgets Vernon’s presence, all sprawled out on the couch and brows moving, barely reacting to the content. He always found it funny how Wonwoo’s face didn’t change a bit but his positions did. He was unable to stay still for longer periods of time which were approximately 20 minutes or less. Vernon can’t shake how his heart sinks down when they’re talking and Wonwoo makes him feel as if they’re the only ones in the room, face to face, body fully directed to him and the pats to his thighs Vernon assumes Wonwoo does unconsciously. They simply gravitated towards each other. If one of them was at the other side of the room, the other would find his way to end up being by his side. As much as he tried to deceive himself into oblivion, Wonwoo’s grip on him was worse than he was conscious of; the mannerism Wonwoo wasn’t aware of affected him to the point that each time he was determined he got over his “slip”, all it took to go back to the start was the moments when Wonwoo couldn’t contain laughter and his nose scrunched, and he laughed so often than the average of people. He was a happy person, he has been like that since Vernon met him. Though Wonwoo did mention to him he wasn’t like that during his teenage years and he has gotten better through time, changing little by little until succeeding at having a more balanced state of mind. His “healing” was evident and palpable in actions only a person who understood and learned to taste the simple pleasures in life did. He lived day by day, letting the tide guide him or in other words, following the advice of the first fleeting thought that crossed his mind; Some days he’d accept to go out even if he prefers to stay in the comfortability of his apartment. Some other days he’ll come up with a spontaneous invitation to drive at midnight “I drive, you are in charge of the music Vernonie'' he says; it’s their little friendship tradition—or “ritual” as Wonwoo likes to call it—that happens more regularly than the usual family traditions which only take place in the holidays. Afterwards, they both get out of the car, walk shoulder to shoulder and wander beside the river.
Wonwoo’s birthday was two days ago. He threw a small party with his closest friends which he decided at the very last minute, it’s not that he doesn’t like celebrating but he would rather have someone else organise the event for him, truth is, he was just lazy.
In his apartment living room all his friends in a drunk state laid on, some on the floor, others on the couch sharing embarrassing childhood memories that sounded more like nonsense because of Jun stopping in the middle of his story and never finishing it or Seungkwan mixing different anecdotes with details that may or not have happened; they more likely came from a corner of his imagination. He became a storyteller when drunk, of real or not life events. Chan was almost asleep and Minghao pretended to listen but his face said otherwise. As for Vernon, he was half laying on the floor, his back resting on the corner of the couch, holding his glass close to his chest thinking he didn’t get anything for Wonwoo today. He had been busy and gift ideas didn't come to him easily.
Wonwoo was next to him, his head cocked directly to his phone, texting someone too eagerly for him who rarely sent spam messages just for the sheer enjoyment of receiving the anger from the other person through the phone when he was bored.
//
“I know it’s not much but” Vernon grabbed the bag that was behind him and faced Wonwoo, handing it to him. Vernon shrugged to stop the shiver running down his spine. “It’s the best I could do, my wallet is suffering these days”
“Anything you get for me is enough” Wonwoo said beaming at him, then introduced his hand inside the bag, taking the gift out. His smile grew wider. “I thought you knew my favourite colour is purple”
Vernon laughed dryly and nudged him in the shoulder. “Don’t be annoying, you like orange too” pointing at him to defend himself “besides, there wasn’t any purple ones and I looked in many shops”
“I don’t know if I can believe that much effort put into a beanie but let’s say I trust you”
Wonwoo put on the beanie covering his whole hair but not his ears like he used to do.
Vernon immediately felt tempted to tease him. Right now he had the chance to catch him off guard.
Speedily, he extended his hand with a strong tug of the brim and covered Wonwoo’s entire face except his lips. “That’s the correct way of wearing it” Vernon chuckled proudly.
Wonwoo shook his head slightly feeling defeated and closed his eyes under the beanie without emitting a word.
Vernon’s throat went dry when he noticed Wonwoo swallowing, glued in the same spot. Not a single muscle flexed or stretched. His eyes found Wonwoo’s glossy lips, wet from the nervous constant habit he had. Taking the freedom to just stare at them from proximity without revealing his intentions, resisting being drawn to claiming them.
Inwardly he laughed at the similarity of the sight in front of him to the all-time famous Spiderman and Mary Jane’s kiss scene. With Wonwoo everything felt more or less like a movie scene.
This time Wonwoo does move, painfully close to Vernon’s own liking. Vernon feels his shoulders tensing and he is nervous but holds composure, his area of expertise in these situations. What he cannot hold back is his eyes widening and his lips twitching a little. He was good at pretending, just not so much with his face.
“I’ll have my revenge” Wonwoo mumbled, adjusting the beanie properly again and giving Vernon a cold look then grinning playfully. He leaned back on the couch and let out a short giggle.
Going into a memory lane in the quietness of his room from time to time when falling asleep was hard, Vernon thought of two moments with Wonwoo that he’ll always treasure, with his feelings gone or not.
The first one isn’t one he liked the first part but ended up being a stain in a shirt not even the most powerful remover could beat, a most pleasing one though.
It wasn’t his birthday or Christmas nor a special day for a celebration that justified what happened next. However, Wonwoo knocked on his apartment door with a gift in hand.
A silver necklace with a rocket pendant landed on Vernon’s hand. He looked at it, then to Wonwoo and opened his mouth trying to find the words.
“Thanks man I- You really didn’t have to… Why”
Wonwoo cut him off immediately.
“It’s nothing. I’m glad you liked it”
Silence made its way between them and Vernon panicked, and he did what he always does against unforeseen awkward situations.
“Isn't this a gift you make for a partner?” Vernon asked, digging a hole around himself so it could swallow him up. He had to fake jokes about liking your friend, so he was never suspected of it being true.
A really bad and not funny at all joke, he was going to punch himself for that once Wonwoo leaves.
“You're my partner. Of life” Wonwoo replied with a smirk, lightly taking his gag, half-meaning it for real. It wasn't just a joke. As long as he could, he wanted to be in Vernon's life.
The second memory, he didn’t have the words to describe it. He could write a song to immortalise that night but in this case, language was a limitation and the pictures inside his head were the closest and truest to the event.
“There’s no cereal left, I can’t believe I forgot to get some in the store today” Vernon complained for the fifth time massaging the sides of his forehead aggressively with both hands.
“Do something you either go now before it closes or stay here but stop the whining” Wonwoo said before yawning.
It was nine past thirty and the closest store closed at ten, six blocks away from his apartment.
“Would you come with me? Wait, did you hear that?”
The small sound of clattering that came from the window became more prominent as the seconds passed.
“Raindrops” Wonwoo nodded, getting up from the chair “Grab your umbrella and let’s go. It’s just a small drizzle”
The street was getting damp faster than the giant strides they were taking.
Vernon was almost enjoying the atmosphere, yellow streetlights and the little crowd, few cars passing and no one but them walking on the pavement. Until the drizzle turned into a windy huge downpour drenching their shoes and pants, the umbrella above them getting useless. All his strength and attention was concentrated at the hold he had on it. Despite his attempts, the wind got away with lifting the umbrella easily as if Vernon wasn't holding onto it for dear life. He cursed loudly, gritting his teeth when a violent gust almost blew away their umbrella. Out of a sudden, the warmth of a hand that wasn't his helped to pull it down before it could slip through his fingers. Wonwoo’s hands were around his, covering his hands with more strength than he had.
“You better share that cereal with me tomorrow”
He always had the last word.