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Dipper hated his mind as much as he loved it, it was endlessly creative, could see so many perspectives and yet it always seemed to hate him. He knew that his parents couldn’t just determine what others thought of him, that people were different and yet he still felt a nervousness that came with what had happened. He had things to still overcome.
It came in the way his body would see every little flaw, everything that made him look and sound different than what he wanted to be, what he should be. His hips too wide, his facial hair too little, his chest hair still nonexistent. He knew realistically those changes would come and until then it didn’t matter but it still bothered him, and his mind was sure to point things out. The fact that he had a chest and couldn’t afford top surgery only made things worse. Made things bad for him.
It came in the way he wondered if people still loved him, if people didn’t think he was too weird, too abnormal for them. He had a family that loved him, in Mabel, Stan and Ford. He had a family he trusted but that didn’t make his worries any easier to just brush away. What if they hated him and were just trying to be polite?
It came in the way he only trusted Mabel some days because who else could he truly trust? They were the one who understood, who got what he was going through because she was gender non-conforming too.
It came in the way that he still had scars on his arms, a reminder of the worst times in his life, of the hardest things he was only just learning to control. In the razor he only just put away because he didn’t need it anymore, he was fine, he got over this, he was healing.
It came in the way he wasn’t sure how much he had healed.
Dipper hated his mind just as much as it hated him but that didn’t mean he wasn’t healing, that he couldn’t get though like he had done before. He was hurt, it was hard, but it also came with some benefits because he could see who else was hurting.
It came in the way he noticed Ford staring at his hands on those bad days, when he reverted back to being afraid that he was weird. When Dipper could come up to him and just talk, about fears, about how they were a family of weird so it was only natural they should stick together.
It came in the way that he could reassure Stan that they were in this together, that Ford wasn’t leaving, that he and Mabel weren’t leaving because this was their family. That they would always be right here, together.
It came in the way Mabel could talk to him and he would listen, ranting about gender dysphoria and how shitty it was but also knowing they could help the other. Long nights just talking about where they would go, what adventures could be had the next day. Knowing they both had someone who understood everything they went through.
It came in the way that his scars were fading, that he was healing, and that the razor was in a trash heap somewhere.
It came in the way that no matter what he wasn’t alone.