Work Text:
You did not want to be here, but you had to.
You’d always felt, somehow, that Javier treated you differently, in a way he wouldn’t treat your male coworkers. He didn’t treat you like he treated Janine, either. You felt like a child to him, and right now, you felt like a child being punished for a mistake you’d already apologized for.
So here you were, in front of his desk, hands clasped behind your back, waiting as he was finishing with a phone call.
‘Sorry, the Ambassador has been on my ass a lot lately. What can I do for you ?’
‘I’m here to talk about Monday’s stake-out.’
You willed your voice not to waver, even as you saw Javier’s face turn hard.
‘You’re not part of that stake-out, so there’s nothing to discuss.’
You felt yourself grow frustrated, the resentment of being treated differently threatening to burst from your chest. Coming to see Javier hadn’t been an easy decision, and the thought process that had let to that decision had been even less so. But you’d thought long and hard about it. He acted towards you in a way he wouldn’t dare act towards anybody else. In a way nobody else would tolerate. The only logical conclusion was for you to step up.
You’d been waiting for the right moment, you thought it was a talk that could wait, until Javier gave everybody their orders for the stake-out. You’d been left out. That had felt like a slap in the face.
You knew you’d screwed up a few weeks before, found yourself in the middle of a crossfire because your intel had been wrong but there was no reason not to put you back on the saddle. You’d apologized, and had worked twice as hard to make up for it.
‘Can I at least know why I’m not part of it ? Everybody’s in.’
‘Listen, you just need to get back on your feet after what happened to you two weeks ago. You could have been hurt very badly, or killed. You need space.’
Bullshit.
‘With all due respect, Sir, I feel fine.’
‘That’s not for you to decide.’
Your back straightened even more, at that. Javier pinched the bridge of his nose.
‘You’re sitting this one out, and that’s it. Understood ?’
He was looking at you, his gaze firm and unwavering. You felt your own tremble. There were so many things you wanted to say
I’m sorry
I tried to fix it
I’m good at what I do, it was one mistake
Stop treating me like a child
But you could feel the lump in your throat, knew your voice wouldn’t come out the way you wanted it to. So you nodded. He didn’t seem convinced, but you left before he could ask, trying not to dwell on how small you felt in that moment.
Your inability to stand your ground led to a change in your attitude. It was easily overlooked, something most people would miss, and, at first, you weren’t even doing it on purpose. At first, it was simple shame that made you take a step back, and watch from the sidelines as the stake-out ended up being a success. It was just a couple of little things, really : you talked less during the meetings, didn’t joke around as much, and you tried to avoid looking at Javier Pena, or worse, look him in the eye more than strictly necessary.
He noticed.
Of course he noticed. But you found ways to avoid him and to keep things strictly professional. Of course, he could have asked you to come into his office, alone, but he never did. The angry part of your brain assumed it was because he didn’t really want to have to deal with what was happening with you. Chances were he simply saw this moment as a child throwing a tantrum. You knew that your attitude was a bit childish, but you also knew what happened when you tried to fall asleep at night, how your brain was doubting your abilities now, how you felt you might not be good enough for this job, in the end. Your insecurities were eating away at you, making you sloppier during the day, more easily distracted. The hard-working woman you’d always been was giving way to somebody not quite in the moment anymore, the lack of sleep getting to you.
You knew you needed to get it together, you knew it was just a minor step-back, something that was bound to happen at some point, but you still dreamt about the way you’d fucked up. You dreamt about how the intel had been checked once, twice, three times. How it’d still been a set-up. How that bullet had almost gotten you. But in your nightmares, somebody died in the end.
Stifling a yawn, you heard Janine’s phone ring. Your own started ringing a few seconds after that, as the other woman called out :
‘Phone for you, it’s Javier !’
You answered, distractingly looking at the clock. He couldn’t even get a word out before your boss asked :
‘What are you still doing at the office ?’
‘Waiting for you to get back, Sir. To know how it went with Van Ness’s CI.’
‘Yeah, we’ll debrief that tomorrow. Come on, we’re having drinks at the usual place. Join us. Feistl’s on his way too.’
You took a deep breath, debating on whether or not you should go.
‘Sorry, Sir, but I’m really tired. I should go home.’
‘You should relax, is what you should do.’ Answered his voice, sounding way harsher than it did a second before.
You knocked your knuckles on your desk, trying to ground yourself.
‘Sorry Sir. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
You put the phone down before he could say anything more, and lit a cigarette, rubbing your forehead with your free hand. You stayed like that a while, even after your cigarette was stubbed in the ashtray.
Janine shot you a compassionate look, when you bid her goodbye. The fresh air did you some good, clearing your thoughts a bit. You made a list, to help keep your head clear.
Dinner
A book
Your couch
Some tea
That sounded like a plan. A nice, simple plan to get you through the evening and get your mind off work.
You focused on the cold key in your hand, on the feeling of it entering in the lock of your car, on the sound it made opening the door. You were pulling the door handle when a hand shot up and forced the door closed. Jumping slightly, you turned to find yourself face to face with Javier.
God, your mind supplied numbly, you were so exhausted you hadn’t heard him park, approach, and didn’t even have the reflex to reach for your gun when he surprised you. You needed sleep, urgently.
‘We need to talk.’
‘Thought you were having a drink.’
‘I changed my mind. Let’s talk.’
You adverted your eyes, unwilling to see how his were solely focused on your face. He said your name, reaching for your arm when you didn’t answer.
‘Listen, I know things were hard those past weeks. We got bad intel. That happens. Damn, trust me, I know how that feels. But you can’t close yourself off like that. You need to talk to someone, even if it’s not me.’
‘I’m fine.’
You winced at how watery your voice sounded, how feeble and unconvincing you were, even to yourself.
‘You’re not.’ Javier countered. ‘Take a few days off.’
‘I’ve had a few days off already.’
There was no hiding the crack around your vowels now. Javier muttered a small Jesus under his breath and got impossibly closer. You could feel the warmth of his body, hear the quiet sound of his breathing, a ghost on your temple. He was too close. His hand went to the side of your face and cupped your cheek, forcing you to look at him. The pity in his eyes broke you.
‘Take a few days,’ he repeated, but his voice sounded so far away. His voice sounded like you were underwater, drowning. You wondered for a moment if you were going to pass out. You hoped not. ‘For me.’
His mouth found your temple and pressed a kiss there. Your hands, despite your best intentions, found his jacket and grabbed at it as you were repressing a sob.
‘You don’t treat me like the others. You told me not to let anybody make me feel small but you did. I made a mistake. I apologized. But you just won’t let me get back on the field. I need to get back out there. This is my job and I’m sorry that I screwed up but I swear I’m gonna get back on my feet. Just let me.’
Javier was frozen under your arms. You panicked for a second, thought you’d crossed a line, and moved away from him. But you couldn’t. His hands grabbed at you, as he whispered :
‘I’m sorry. I don’t want you to get hurt.’
He chocked a bit, and added :
‘I want you safe.’
His voice was wavering.
You held onto him. You held onto his words, as your arms kept you against him. I Want you safe.
You forgave him.