Work Text:
“I wonder if you love me as I love you if your heart is tangled with soft ivy and specs of gold that encompasses our burning love. Or is your heart filled with rouge ivy that grows without purpose, are you staying with me because you feel as though you have to, or are you staying with me because I’m everything you’ll ever need?”
Sana's hands were numb her fingers tips white and barely functional, the crooks of her fingers red from the pencil rubbing her delicate skin raw. Her body was exhausted, exhausted from writing everything she wished to say, exhausted from the unwarranted crying that came every time she thought about Dahyun.
She wanted to know how dahyun felt, no, no, no, scratch that. She needed to know how Dahyun felt. She doesn’t think her body could handle any more sleepless nights. She couldn’t take the quiet sobs that unexpectedly leave her chest when dahyun falls asleep next to her.
It was a one-sided relationship now, at least that’s what dahyun makes it seem like and Sana couldn’t take it.
7 years down the drain was unimaginable to Sana. Dahyun was all Sana ever wanted or needed.
Ever since they met back in their Sophomore year of college. Dahyun a psychology major and Sana an Interior design major met through their good friend Jeongyeon. For Sana it was love at first sight but with Dahyun it was a gradual process Sana has come to learn that everything with Dahyun is a gradual process.
But A fear pinged in sanas chest as she thought of Dahyun Gradually falling out of love with her.
That thought alone made sana feel small and trapped like a speck of sand in a glass bottle. Her heart always sped up five notches when she thought about the possibility of Dahyun falling out of love. That single possibility made anxiety bubble up in her chest and with each growing thought and doubt of Dahyun, she felt each of those bubbles pop one by one until the next batch of bubbles carbonated in her chest again.
She can’t keep doing this.
—————-
Gritted sighs and deep waves of guilt were the new normal for Dahyun. Her work brought great sadness to her, she regrets ever longing to help psychiatric patients. Fuck if she could go back and change her passion she would.
Dahyun thought this work, this job would bring her happiness, fulfillment. Being able to help people others thought were too far gone to help. But she was wrong. At first maybe, maybe it was perfect for her being able to help and make these people smile being able to figure out what triggers them or what calms them down.
But she gradually figured out that years of this work will break you down and tear you apart. Each story you hear is like a reoccurring nightmare relived a thousand times and each time it gets worse and worse until there’s no space for growth.
And eventually, that stunted growth spread to her and her relationships. Familial and romantic relationships lacked her presence, It was as if a ghost of herself had taken over the present while her current self was dormant and living in past memories of herself and her loved ones.
She fell into a relentless cycle of sleep, a sigh of thankfulness if she woke up before Sana or a sigh of annoyance if Sana woke before her, followed by a kiss to or from Sana then work, work and more work and repeat.
Sure maybe it wasn’t the best and it could be better but it was normal now been normal for the past two years and Dahyun likes normal so she keeps it like that.
What wasn’t normal was the bitter taste Sana left in Dahyuns mouth every time she planted one of her morning kisses against her cheek. Or how the immediate gratitude she once felt every time Sana made her coffee twisted into an uncomfortable pressure to feel grateful every time Sana accidentally added three spoon fulls of sugar to her coffee instead of two.
Fake smiles and rigged words were the only thing the two shared in common now.
But at the end of the day, the two wanted two different outcomes of their relationship.
Sana hoped that Dahyun would love her like she once did.
Dahyun hoped that Sana would find a new lover so it wouldn’t be as hard to leave.
Dahyun believes that staying in a loveless relationship is useless, a waste of time and energy but she’ll never work up the courage to leave Sana. Maybe it’s because she sees the specs of love that are still there or maybe it was because leaving wouldn’t be normal.
Sana believes that loveless relationships can be saved with the right amount of work, but maybe that’s her naivety overtaking her making her believe in a false narrative. But Just like Dahyun, Sana could never build up the courage to leave or bring up a conversation that might end in a way she didn’t imagine.
Yes it might be a tiring push and pull relationship, but it was normal and being stuck in a cycle of toxic normalcy would be better and safer than having to start new.