Archive of Our Own

“I love you, Childe.”

Zhongli has said that for many years now. It’s easy to say because it’s very true. He does love Childe and he has for longer than he can remember. He’s lived for far too long, seen empires rise and fall, technology advance, humans practically evolve. 

There are only three constants in his life past the incident in Liyue with Osial.

The first one is Childe’s presence. He has seen Childe come into his life again and again. Sometimes they are strangers, sometimes friends, more often than not lovers. 

The second one is his love for Childe. No matter what their relationship is, he holds a certain fondness and love for the man. 

The third and final one is Childe’s death. 

Zhongli is always at his side when he passes. He always manages to get there in time, a certain gut feeling tugging him near. Every time, he cries and mourns his death but looks forward to when he will see Childe again.

One clear memory he holds is one of growing old with Childe, holding his hand as he lay in his deathbed, then sending him off with a tearful smile. Only five years later, he runs into a tall redhead as he stops by a stationery store to purchase another pen. They easily hit it off, growing close extremely quickly, like they were meant to be.

In that life, he was a poet and died of heart disease. Zhongli was still there when his heart beat a final time.

“I love you,” he said as Childe smiled weakly and slipped through his fingers once more.

The first few times, Zhongli thought it to be a curse: doomed to fall in love again and again, only to have it torn away.

He knows now that it is not, for Childe never hates him. He never resents him. He either loves him or likes him, but never loathes or dislikes. Then again, he never remembers Zhongli or their past. The most that happens is Zhongli getting a strange look when he sees Childe with a girlfriend as if Childe recognizes him and gets a feeling of deja-vu. Before the ginger can ask though, Zhongli is long out of sight.

Who is he to meddle with fate?

Zhongli remembers moving to Fontaine before he had accepted that what was happening to him wasn't a curse. He moved there to start a new life and, hopefully, get away from the chance of seeing Childe. Yes, he loves him, but back then, he couldn’t stand seeing him die again. And oh, wonder, he ran into a certain ginger he was trying to avoid. 

This time, Childe had a tall, dark-haired boyfriend, blind in one eye. Zhongli and Childe quickly became best friends and stayed so for the rest of Childe’s life. Childe eventually—illegally and secretly—”married” his boyfriend but the latter passed away many years before he followed.

One conversation on Childe’s deathbed Zhongli will always remember happened during that life.

“Why, Zhongli, you haven’t aged a day since I met you.”

Zhongli keeps quiet.

When a reply doesn’t come, Childe chuckles. “You know, I saw the way you looked at me all those years.”

He raises his head at this, locking eyes with Childe. His eyes shine now. They aren’t dull like the first time Childe and Zhongli met.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Zhongli asks.

“Sorry I couldn’t return your love the way you might’ve wanted me to.” Childe stretches out a wrinkled hand to Zhongli and smiles softly. “Maybe in another life, my dear friend.”

Zhongli lets himself hold Childe’s hand and squeezes lightly. “That is not something you need to apologize for.”

Childe lets out a quiet laugh at that. “I would like to love you the way you love me. Maybe… I’ll ask the gods to give me a chance,” he teases. Then his hand drops, limp, and Zhongli is on his feet, calling desperately for doctors.

From that day on, Zhongli makes sure he ages himself as the years go on. When Childe leaves him, he reverts back to the form he took when Childe first descended from that ship from Snezhnaya, back when the Fatui were still an organization.

Childe does make good on the promise. The next life, he’s a lively gentleman, tipping his hat and greeting all who wave at him with a cheerful “ Bonjour!” . Zhongli stops across the street. Subconsciously, he fixes his tie and straightens out his vest. He also makes sure his short hair isn’t sticking out everywhere. Childe’s look crosses Zhongli’s and he pauses. A bright smile blooms on his face and Zhongli can’t help but smile back warmly.

With a couple of strides, Childe is back in Zhongli’s life. 

Just as quickly as he enters, he leaves again, dying from a gunshot wound after getting involved in some sort of criminal activity.

And Zhongli is once more there, kissing his forehead and whispering soothing words as the light fades.

And the cycle continues.

༻❁༺

A friend.

“Zhongli, I’m headed out, ‘kay?” Childe calls, slinging a bag over his shoulder. “You know the drill: call me if there’s anything. I probably won’t be back before tomorrow morning.”

Zhongli waves him goodbye and beams at him when Childe jokingly blows him a kiss. 

That’s what they are: only friends. Close friends, yes, but their relationship is strictly platonic. Childe is dating a blonde girl who bears an uncanny resemblance to the Traveler he had run into many, many years ago. Except, instead of friendly and caring, this girl is absolutely, obnoxiously—for a lack of proper words—bitchy.

He knows Childe is not the happiest in that relationship but it isn’t his place to step in and make them break up.

The door shuts with a loud clack. As soon as he is sure Childe is gone, Zhongli sighs and releases his energy. Glowing gold leaks back into the tips of his hair. He picks up his phone off the table and clicks it open. His lock screen is a picture of him and Childe balancing precariously on a branch dangling over a lake. Their hands are intertwined and wide smiles are visible on both their faces.

Venti, another incarnation of Barbatos, is the one who took the photo.

Zhongli lets a big smile spread across his face. He swipes upwards to unlock his phone and proceeds to his text messages. He stares at the screen for a moment, unsure what he even meant to do with the device. Forgetting that reminds him of when Venti had bought him the phone, insisting that a Nokia phone was outdated. He’d also made a joke about how forgetful Zhongli was despite his amazing memory.

His lips quirk up again.

He places his phone back onto the living room table. Zhongli gets up and surveys the apartment. Somehow, Childe always manages to be well off, no matter what life he leads. There has not been a single time where Zhongli has run into a poor, impoverished Childe. Therefore, Zhongli has not learned to spend less. He luckily works his own job so he can afford his own excessive spending.

The apartment is rather large, situated on the twentieth floor of a very tall apartment complex. It gives a great view of the modern city, one that Zhongli isn’t even sure of the name anymore. He knows that it is on what used to geographically be Fontaine but as for the name of the new city? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care to know, either. He just refers to it as “Fontaine”.

Zhongli makes his way to the balcony and leans against the railing, the night breeze blowing his hair over his shoulder and into his face. He let his hair grow out again, back to its original length. Now that long hair on men is no longer looked down upon, he keeps it long. Short hair tickled his neck too much, so he much prefers it as it is.

Cars lights, street lamps and other smaller buildings twinkle far beneath him. 

All those lights remind him of the Lantern Rite back in the days in Liyue.

Diving into that reminiscent state of mind, Zhongli looks to his right. There, he can still imagine Childe’s hot breath against his face, smelling slightly of very strong alcohol, as they stand precariously close to the railing. He still feels warm hands wrap around his waist as he pushes Childe away gently, reminding him that he isn’t sober and that “this isn’t right”.

“Zhongli,” Childe slurs, “you’re really pretty, y’know?”

“Ajax, please,” Zhongli says patiently, trying to untangle Childe’s arms from around him. “You are intoxicated. You aren’t thinking straight.”

“I’m supposed to think straight with you around?” Zhongli manages to remove one of his arms from his waist, only for it to snake back around and tug Zhongli flush to Childe. He presses his forehead to the immortal’s and smiles genuinely. “I really like you, Zhongli. I wish you’d feel the same. I wish it could work out but I’m too unstable in so many ways for a guy like you.” He chuckles but it sounds too sad for Zhongli to smile along.

“Come. Let’s go back inside and get you some rest.”

And Zhongli allows himself a small kiss to Childe’s nose.

Childe moves his head just in time to make the kiss catch his lips instead.

Childe pretends that night never happened. Zhongli doesn’t know why.

He traces the outline of his lips and frowns, pulling his hand away. “I should not think of these things. He has a girlfriend now. I cannot intervene with what fate decides.”

Troubled, he sighs and rests against the railing of the balcony, pressing his cheek against his palm. It’s a bit chilly but Zhongli can’t find it in himself to go dress warmer. He’s fine with a thin dress shirt and jeans. Childe always makes fun of him for dressing business casual regardless of the occasion.

You have more horrendous outfits, I do not want to hear a peep from you, Zhongli had replied that day.

The winds still blow.

It prompts Zhongli to wonder how many gods still rule over their nations and what kind of position they’ve taken. He knows the Tsaritsa is no longer, well, a tsaritsa. She is now referred to as a “president”. Barbatos passed a long time ago if his incarnation, Venti, is any clear indication of that. He doesn’t know what has become of the other four. He doesn’t think he’ll ever put effort into finding out either, because it’s not one of his utmost priorities.

But then… what is? Zhongli hasn’t thought about it.

He finds out what it is just a week later.

The door is thrown open with such sheer force that the glass filled with sweet liquor sitting in front of Zhongli rattles. He lifts his head to see Childe storm in, tears pouring down his face. 

Colour drains out of both the tips of Zhongli’s hair and his face.

“Childe? What’s wrong?” he asks, standing up and walking towards him.

Childe raises his hand to stop Zhongli from coming any closer but drops it quickly to bury his face in his hands and sob.

He decides to approach and gently cups Childe’s wet cheek. “Tell me, Childe. What happened?”

Childe sniffles. “We broke up,” he whispers hoarsely.

Zhongli’s heart soars and he can’t stop the guilt. He wants his heart to break for Childe, wants to cry for him, but he can only feel happy.

“Oh, Childe…” He pulls Childe close and the redhead buries his face into Zhongli’s shoulder and cries even more.

Childe smells of coffee and rain. He knows Childe doesn’t drink coffee often so he wonders where that could’ve come from. They stand at the entrance of their apartment, locked in an embrace. Zhongli notices the door is still open and stretches out a hand to push it shut, knowing Childe needs his privacy. Now that it’s only them in their own little bubble, Zhongli runs his hand up and down Childe’s back, murmuring comforting words into his ear.

The action is familiar. He’s done it an unreasonable amount of times, just not in the same situation. 

Childe is usually dying in his arms when he does it.

Zhongli is glad for the change.

“Would you like to tell me what happened?”

“Can we go sit down?”

“Of course.”

So he leads them to the kitchen where he was sitting before Childe barged into the apartment. Childe immediately grabs Zhongli’s glass and downs it before he can stop him.

“I caught her cheating. Again.”

Oh, Celestia.

Zhongli stays quiet, letting Childe speak.

“The day I came home early. That’s when I caught them.” 

Zhongli remembers that. He had even commented on how Childe had come home earlier than usual. He’d just waved Zhongli off with a glum expression and his mood had dropped for the rest of the week. It had made Zhongli wonder if he’d done something wrong.

“We tried to talk it out. I wanted to give her a second chance because I love her. Loved,” Childe corrects himself, wiping away the tears on his face. “I’m sure I did.”

“You can still love someone after they leave you. Love isn’t something you can easily get rid of.” Zhongli smiles reassuringly. He’s not very reassuring to himself though.

“And just today , not even a fucking week later, she’s in a god damned coffee shop kissing the same guy. ” Childe clenches his jaw at the memory of whatever happened today. “No, ‘cause I can’t believe it! She told me that she wouldn’t do it again, that she was sorry for hurting me like that. I forgave her and believed her! What did I ever do to her to deserve this? Where did I go wrong?”

Zhongli picks at his fingernails. “I think your first mistake was forgiving her infidelity. Your second mistake was believing her.”

He’s not being a very good friend.

Childe falls quiet and gapes at Zhongli, too many expressions flashing across his face. He can only catch shock and disbelief before it turns to irritation. “Is it too much of me to ask for comfort?”

“I cannot lie to you, Childe. Do not lie to yourself either.”

“Zhongli.”

He shuts up.

Childe runs his hands over his face. “Zhongli, get me a shot of vodka.”

“I am not your butler. Try asking more nicely.”

“ Please , get me a shot of vodka, thank you. ”

Zhongli scoffs but gets up anyway to fill him a shot glass. “You are insufferable.” He pushes the glass to Childe. “And very rude to me right now.”

“Well, excuse me, monsieur. ” Childe downs the drink immediately and taps the rim, asking for another refill.

He grimaces at Childe, disapproving of his use of alcohol as a coping mechanism. He indulges him either way. “Do not use that Fontainean on me like that, mon cher ami. ”

Childe chuckles and finishes his newly refilled glass. “I forget you speak it, too.”

“You are drinking that too fast. Slow down.”

He is ignored and Childe drinks more and more. At one point, Zhongli stops filling up his glass. Despite that, Childe still manages to get himself drunk. He’s giggling and slurring his words and crooning at Zhongli, his heartbreak pushed to the back of his mind thanks to the alcohol. As he reaches for another glass, Zhongli finally smacks his hand away and hisses at him.

“Ajax, stop it. You already drink too much. Don’t think I haven’t seen those empty glasses and bottles in your room. You are going to get liver failure.”

“‘Ajax’, huh?” Childe mutters. “You haven’t called me that since that night.”

Ah, so he does remember.

They look at each other for another moment. Suddenly, Childe gets up and gets closer to Zhongli. The immortal takes a step back and bumps against the counter. He’s caged almost instantly in Childe’s arm, both of them on either side of him. He leans in close. Zhongli once more feels Childe’s hot breath fanning across his neck. His face heats up and he weakly tries to push Childe away.

“You need to stop doing this.”

Lips against his neck, Childe mumbles, “Do you not want this? Or have I read you wrong for too long?”

You’re right. I love you. I love you and I want this but you just broke up with your girlfriend. And…

“You’re drunk. This isn’t right, Ajax.”

“Then tell me no.” 

Childe leans closer, their chests pressed against each other now. Zhongli lets out a soft breath and tilts his head to the side, losing his senses and losing himself to Childe. He kisses Zhongli’s neck, arms wrapping around his small waist gently. Zhongli’s body feels hot, he wants this, he needs it. Then Childe parts his lips and nips at Zhongli’s neck. That snaps him out of his daze. Childe is shoved away.

“ No ,” Zhongli says sternly.

Childe steps back, eyes widening. He clearly sobers up for a moment. “Zhongli, I’m sorry. I—” He opens and closes his mouth but decides against it, running to his room.

Zhongli hesitates for a moment, debating going after him or not. He can hear glass shattering in his room and crying. He thinks of maybe getting Childe a therapist. The poor man has suffered through enough: his family kicked him out when they found out he also liked men, his youngest brother died from hypothermia after falling in a frozen lake, then he’s had far too many heartbreaks. That’s only a couple of things he’s had to go through.

He’s frankly surprised Childe has not taken his own life yet.

He personally would have.

He looks out the window and contemplates doing it but he remembers he needs to be there for Childe.

That very night, listening to Childe’s sobbing, he realizes what his priority is: keeping Childe happy.

༻❁༺

A lover.

That’s how Zhongli manages to keep him happy.

It only took a few months for Childe to confess to Zhongli, telling him that he really was in love with him and assuring his best friend—now boyfriend—that he wasn’t just a rebound crush.

Zhongli accepted him with open arms.

He now sits lazily on the couch, Childe asleep in his arms. Their television plays a random show that their streaming app has decided to have them keep listening to. Snow piles on their windowsills where they still live in the apartment complex. The two of them are older now. Zhongli still ages himself up to not seem suspicious. They’ve been together for nearly five years and not a day goes by where Zhongli doesn’t remind Childe that he loves him. Not just with words but with his actions as well.

Childe stirs in his sleep and wakes up slowly. The first thing he does is look up, then lean upwards to plant a sloppy kiss against Zhongli’s cheek.

“Good afternoon to you too, Childe.”

“Mornin’,” he says, still half-asleep.

“It is three in the afternoon. It’s not morning,” Zhongli chuckles, running his hand gently through the ginger locks.

Childe mumbles something under his breath that Zhongli doesn’t quite catch. He buries his face deeper into Zhongli’s shoulder and lets out a loud sigh. He pats his head and kisses the crown of it. 

“What’s wrong, you?”

“I have a family reunion soon. They want me back for the winter solstice celebration. I don’t know how my parents are gonna react. I haven’t heard from them,” Childe admits. “This is the first time my family has asked for me to be there since I was booted out.”

Zhongli just hums and rubs circles on Childe’s shoulder.

That just incites him to let out an annoyed groan. “It’s so unfair! I also like women, why couldn’t they just accept that part at least? I mean, Auntie Nikita is a lesbian so why do I get the short end of the stick?”

“That is most likely because your Auntie Nikita distanced herself from the family before coming out. She was not outed like you.” 

Childe lifts his head off Zhongli’s shoulder and grabs his face, squishing his cheeks in his hands. The immortal makes a noise of confusion. “You’re right! If I just distance myself,” Childe starts, “they won’t bother me to join the reunion.”

He chuckles and pries Childe’s hands off his face. “It is too late. You’ve been away from the family for over ten years and they’ve still called for you. I do not think you will be free from that reunion so easily.” In a gentler tone, he adds, “I do not want you to be uncomfortable so do not take this as me insisting you go, but did you not want to see your dear siblings after so long?”

At the mention of his siblings, Childe’s face softens. “I would love to be with my family again.” Then a moment passes and his expression sours again. “But Teucer… He isn’t here with us anymore. All because my father ,” he says the word with a certain venom, “was not careful.”

“I’m sure he blames himself, too.”

Silence falls over the two. 

Zhongli leans forward and kisses Childe chastely. “I will make you some dumplings. Try not to think about it too much, alright?”

The redhead pouts and steals another kiss before dropping into their couch again. “Fine but don’t expect me to not bring it up a lot in the following weeks until then.”

“Of course not. I would not ask that of you.”

Then he gets up and heads to the kitchen to cheer Childe up and distract himself while he’s at it. The motion of making dumplings is very familiar, mostly because ever since he made that for his first Ajax, the ones that came in the next lives always seemed to love his dumplings. Zhongli grew into a habit of making the food whenever Childe was down and he had time to cook.

Mindlessly, he kneads the dough for the wrapping. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees an empty glass that couldn’t have been his. Worry begins to gnaw at him. Has Childe fallen into his self-destructive habits again, out of anxiety for the family reunion?

He’s relieved to find that it’s only an empty glass of water.

His mind flashes back to that fateful night many years ago. After having thrown a bunch of stuff around in his room and causing a ruckus that led to a neighbour knocking on their door, Childe had exited to apologize to Zhongli for his reaction with puffy red eyes. Zhongli, of course, had just accepted the apology and told him to take care of himself better. He had also asked him to not drink so much anymore because it was a terrible coping mechanism. Childe had promised him and he had kept that promise, to this day.

Zhongli is glad Childe listens to him.

Of course, they drink from time to time, but Zhongli makes sure it’s never used as an escape.

He looks back at his hands and finds that they’ve wrapped and bundled up the dumplings perfectly. A quiet, pleased sigh escapes his lips and he puts them in the steamer. 

He shoots a glance at the couch where he sees Childe chewing on his thumb as he watches the show still playing on the screen. His boyfriend seems very anxious but rather peaceful. Zhongli spares a look to the dumplings in the steamer basket then goes to sit next to Childe on the couch. He’s immediately greeted with a kiss to the temple and Childe promptly throws himself into Zhongli’s lap, head on his thighs.

The dumplings are a bit overcooked when they’re taken out but Childe doesn’t seem to mind.

Two weeks later, Childe barges into Zhongli’s room as he just finishes clipping his nails that had practically turned back into claws. Zhongli lifts his head to see Childe leaning against his door, panting, phone held out in his hand.

“Zhongli!”

“Yes, Childe, I’m right here. There is no need to shout.”

“Look at this.”

Zhongli mournfully looks at the bottle of black nail polish he was thinking of applying but decides his boyfriend’s needs are more important. He stands up, brushing off his dress and gets closer to Childe. Once he’s close enough, the phone is pushed a little too close to his face. He takes a step back, shoots Childe a glare and reads the messages that Childe is showing him.

“ You may bring that friend of yours you always talk about. As long as he’s not too rowdy, it’s fine, ” Zhongli reads out. He looks at Childe and raises a brow. “What do I make of this?”

“You can come!” Childe says giddily. His smile wavers. “I mean, of course, if you want. I didn’t tell you ahead of time that I was begging them to let you come, so I’m really sorry about that and—”

Zhongli presses a finger to his lips and wrinkles his nose delicately. “You worry too much. Of course, I will be there.”

“Oh, thank the gods!” Childe pushes Zhongli’s hand away and kisses him sweetly, sweeping him quite literally off his feet and spinning him. “The dress looks great, by the way. When did you get this?”

Zhongli dizzily finds his footing and smoothes out the black dress. “I went window shopping the other day. It turned into actual shopping by accident and I purchased a couple of items. Notably this,” he says with a twirl, making the dress fluff up around his feet, “and the nail polish you see on the floor. I wished to test out a coloured polish instead of the usual clear kind.”

“I’m sure it’ll look good. You rock anything, love.” Childe taps something out on his phone and grimaces. “Alright, uh, sorry for the really last-minute heads up but…” He laughs nervously. “The flight is in two days. We’d best pack our bags.”

“ Two days?” Zhongli says in disbelief. He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Childe…”

“Okay, okay, listen, sorry! I didn’t expect them to actually say yes.”

“Your flight was supposed to be in four days, not two.”

“I wanted to give you a chance to explore Snezhnaya, so I rebooked the flight.”

“Oh.” Zhongli feels his heart flutter. “Right. Thank you, Ajax.”

Hearing his name from Zhongli’s mouth makes Childe beam brightly at him. He then turns and waves his hand in an incomprehensible manner. “I’m gonna go pack and stuff. We’ll go get warmer clothes for you later, ‘kay?”

“If you insist.”

Zhongli hurries to finish his nail polish, checking to see if it matches his… different skin too. Childe of this life has never seen that part of Zhongli and he will make sure it stays like that until the very end. In this day and age, it’s a bit more— very —difficult to explain the concept of adepti and such, and claiming to be one without being called delusional. He’s sure Childe would never accuse him of lying if he were to reveal it, but it’s a risk to their relationship he doesn’t want to take.

Besides, it’s not like it matters much.

He just prefers not to.

“Zhongli! You better pack, too. You always take forever.” Pots and pans clatter to the ground in the kitchen and a Snezhnayan curse is uttered loudly. “And don’t pack too much. We’re only going to be there for a couple days. Maybe a week. I forget.”

So Zhongli does get to packing.

Obviously, he packs too much but Childe just sighs fondly and helps him unpack.

As the plane touches down in Snezhnaya, Zhongli feels a chill travel up his spine. Yes, it’s cold in Snezhnaya but there’s also a foreboding feeling that creeps him out. There isn’t much that can go wrong during this trip, he assures himself. Next to him, Childe looks like he’s about to throw up. 

Okay, maybe Childe throwing up is something wrong.

“Plane sick?” Zhongli asks with a pat on Childe's knee.

“No. Nervous.”

“Try to relax. We have a day or two before the reunion.”

“Easy for you to say,” Childe scoffs but he’s not mean about it, “you haven’t had to deal with my family yet.”

Not this one. Zhongli squeezes Childe’s knee and smiles warmly. “It will be fine.”

He can see Childe scrunch up his nose and consider believing Zhongli. He ends up giving up and clicking himself free from his seatbelt. With that, the two of them head out of the plane, pick up their luggage, then set off to drive to where they’ll be staying during their time there.

Childe is the one who rents the car and drives it. It’s a car as white as snow, bulky and expensive-looking. He explains that he would’ve taken a smaller, sleeker car if it weren’t for Morepesok’s slightly rougher terrain. Zhongli shrugs and hums, seeing no problem with what kind of car they take.

As they cruise along the highways of Snezhnaya, Childe’s grip is strong on the steering wheel. Despite having been gone for a long time, he still navigates the roads with relative ease.

“Your fingers are going to cramp,” Zhongli says, not even having to lift his eyes from his phone to know that Childe’s knuckles are white with how tightly he’s holding the wheel.

“I’m stressed. Can you really blame me?”

He tears his eyes away from his lock screen, the same one it has always been. “No, I cannot. You must relax your grip though.”

Childe wiggles his fingers on the wheel and sighs.

“Where are we going? What’s our plan?” Zhongli asks. The least he can do is distract the poor guy.

The turn signal clicks on. “First, a hotel. We’re gonna drop off our stuff there and then we can go look around the city a bit. On the winter solstice, we’ll go to Morepesok and do whatever they want us to do there, then come back here. Then we’ll probably just spend the rest of the week in the city.” Childe turns them around a corner and down a road towards a large hotel. “Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect,” Zhongli replies.

He sees Childe’s cheeks lift. Smiling. How cute. Childe reaches towards the console and turns on the radio. After a moment, he lowers the volume and glances at Zhongli.

“Do you remember our first winter together?”

“How could I not? You and Venti both caught a cold because you both refused to wear proper clothing. Venti went back home but I was the one who had to take care of you, sneezing and snotty,” Zhongli recounts with a teasing tone.

“Hey! Don’t be mean.” Childe chuckles and leans back into his seat with a loud, puffing sigh. “I think that was around the time I started looking at you in a different light.”

“What do you mean by that?” 

He knows what Childe means but he wants to hear it. He wants to know that Childe, too, has loved him for a long time.

“You just want to hear me say it,” he teases. “Yeah, like you guessed, I started liking you then. I think I realized when you spent two days and nights watching over me and catering to all my needs. Homemade meals, my favourite food, medicine at regular hours… You gave it all to me.”

I gave you me. I still give you all of me , Zhongli thinks. 

“Honestly, I can’t believe I didn’t notice how you felt about me, too.”

“You were blind, yes,” Zhongli agrees, earning himself an offended excuse me .

“Now that I have you though, I can’t imagine being with anyone else. You have no idea how happy I am to be with you.”

“I love you too.”

“I won’t leave you,” Childe promises.

Zhongli has had this dialogue play out at least five times already. They all ended how Childe had promised they would: the two sometimes got married and he died as Zhongli’s husband, other times they just stayed boyfriends. It always ended well though. Zhongli wonders how this time will end but he doesn’t look forward to it.

As much as he’s used to it, he still despises seeing it.

The light fading from Childe’s eyes is his least-liked sight.

They spend the following days settling into the hotel and walking around the city. It’s snowy in mid-December. There’s a lot more snow here than back in his city. Zhongli thinks he remembers Snezhnaya being even snowier before industrialization.

“Zhongli…” Childe whines. He’s carrying three small bags full of snacks and different tea leaves. “Can’t you carry some of these?”

“But you look so strong and reliable carrying them yourself.”

“Oh, don’t tease me.” Childe shoves one of the bags, the one filled to the brim with tea, into Zhongli’s hands. The latter sighs defeatedly and accepts to carry them.

“Ajax, my little sunshine!”

Both of their heads whip to look behind them. A short, rotund lady with bright eyes and chestnut hair waves at them. Looking over at Childe, Zhongli can see the panic and excitement in his eyes. Childe looks at Zhongli for just a second before he turns his gaze back to the woman jogging up to them.

“Auntie Olga,” Childe calls out. 

They greet each other with a kiss on each side of the cheek.

Auntie Olga grabs Childe’s face and pinches his cheeks, making him lean down with a noise of pain. “Oh, look at you, you’re all grown up!” She pokes at his stomach and grins. “You built some muscle too. I remember when you left Snezhnaya at eighteen, you were just a little scrawny kid. Only meat and bones! And oh, my, look at that height! You’ve grown so much, Ajax, sunshine.”

Zhongli stands there, a polite smile on his face. He discreetly takes the bags from Childe’s hands so the man can get pushed around and prodded by his aunt a little more. By the way Childe had described the way he’d left Snezhnaya, Zhongli assumed that his family would be cold to him, not as welcoming and warm as this aunt is.

That’s when Auntie Olga notices Zhongli.

She stares at him for three seconds, Childe’s cheeks still held in her fingers and gasps. “Oh, my!” She lets go of Childe and he stumbles back, rubbing his cheeks. “Where are my manners? Hello, I’m Olga! I’m Ajax’s aunt.”

Zhongli shakes the hand she extends to him. “My name is Zhongli. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“He’s my bo—”

“I’m your dear Ajax’s best friend,” he says, making sure his smile reaches his eyes. Childe stills in the corner of his eyes, probably realizing that he’d almost made a grave mistake that would’ve prevented either of them from attending the reunion.

Auntie Olga brightens up at that. “Ajax, I never thought you would make friends in Fontaine!”

“Auntie, I’ve been in Fontaine for over ten years. I would have to be the grandest loser ever to not have any!”

“You are a grand loser.”

Zhongli has to muffle his chuckle. 

“Oh, right! You’re going to be there for the winter solstice reunion, right, Ajax?” His aunt asks, grabbing his hands and looking up at him with big eyes. “There’s going to be such big news and you must attend!”

Childe’s forced smile slowly drops and his expression morphs to panic. He’s imagining the worst, Zhongli can tell. It’s rude of him but he steps in either way. Grabbing Childe’s shoulder, he shoots Auntie Olga another smile.

“I am very sorry to interrupt but we have a reservation at a restaurant in an hour and we really must go.”

Childe nods eagerly, pulling his hands away from his aunt. “Yes, I’m really sorry, Auntie. I’ll be there for the winter solstice feast, though.” He hesitates then adds, “I promise.”

Zhongli winces at that. Childe’s never broken a promise before. 

He goes to the farthest lengths to make his promises come true. Zhongli supposes it’s just out of habit, what with having siblings who made him pinkie promise all the time. Now that showing up to the winter solstice was a promise, Childe wouldn’t back down from that. He just hopes the family won’t be too difficult to deal with tomorrow.

As Zhongli guides Childe away from his slightly overbearing aunt, he can hear Childe quietly whispering his gratitude under his breath.

Tomorrow comes too quickly for both of their likings.

While Zhongli is a little nervous to meet Childe’s family, Childe himself is leaning over the toilet, breathing in and out heavily. His tie is undone on the floor and his previously groomed hair hangs in strands over his face. He hasn’t actually thrown up but he’s been gagging from the anxiety.

Zhongli is at his side, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“Childe, are you sure you can go?”

“I made a promise,” he gasps and smacks his lips, coughing.

“You don’t seem very well.”

“I’m fine. You know me, this happens.”

Zhongli frowns but lets it slide. It’s true. Childe does get like this when he’s nervous. “But—”

“Zhongli. I said I’m fine. ”

He flicks Childe’s ear. The ginger yelps. “Do not use that tone with me.”

“Sorry,” he mutters, not sorry.

“Would you like a glass of water?”

“Yes, please.”

So Zhongli gets up and fetches him a glass. When he returns to the bathroom, Childe is sprawled out on the floor and panting, staring up at the ceiling. Zhongli chuckles and squats down next to him, holding out the glass of cool water. Childe sits up and gratefully downs it. His eyes are teary and his hair is a mess but Zhongli is there to clean him up. He makes Childe brush his teeth again, fixes his clothes, and he slicks back Childe’s hair to the way it was before. For the cherry on top, he gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“There.”

“Thanks, Zhongli,” Childe sighs, turning around and kissing Zhongli properly. “Appreciate you. What would I do without you?”

“Most likely still be hunched over the toilet,” Zhongli mumbles against his lips.

Childe rolls his eyes and jokingly pushes Zhongli away. “You are so annoying.”

“The pot calls the kettle black once more.”

“Tsk. Let’s just go before we’re late.”

Despite his stuttering heart and twisting stomach, Childe takes the wheel. Zhongli had insisted that he drive but his boyfriend made a very fair point that he’s the one who knows how to get to Morepesok and the address. Now that Childe’s in the driver’s seat, Zhongli realizes he should’ve countered with the argument of the GPS system existing. He often forgets about new technologies.

It takes about an hour to get to the seaside village. The road is slippery and icy but all the cold seems to melt away for Zhongli when he sees Childe’s bright smile.

“It really doesn’t look very different!”

“It is a quaint village indeed.”

It takes another few minutes to get to Childe’s parents’ house. They pass by snow-covered shops and children playing outside in the snow. Some people stand outside, steaming cups in their hands as they chat with each other cheerfully. It all flies by in a blur of white to Zhongli. The last time he was in Snezhnaya was to visit the Tsaritsa. He wonders how she’s doing. She’s still the current leader of the country, after all. He’s a little surprised she hasn’t gotten tired of being in charge and retired.

His phone lights up with a notification. It’s from Venti.

Swiping it open, Zhongli is sent a barrage of pictures of Venti and his friend, Albedo. He suspects they’re more than just friends but that’s just how Venti refers to their relationship.

“‘S that Venti? Is he having fun back in New Mond?”

“It appears so,” Zhongli says as he sends Venti a heart emoji.

The car pulls into the driveway and Zhongli can sense Childe get jittery again. He reaches over the armrest and pats his knee reassuringly. It doesn’t calm Childe down much but it’s enough to make him focus again.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

Zhongli steps out of the car, his long, black sheepskin coat blowing in the wind. His hair, devoid of any of its glow, is also whipping over his shoulder. He’s certain Childe’s family won’t approve of his long hair. There are already many cars parked in the driveway and on the road around. It’s very cold. He shivers a little and follows Childe into the house. It’s a rather large house and spacious when they step in. Two kids immediately run at Childe and jump into his arms as soon as his coat and boots are removed. They can’t be more than fifteen each. 

“Tonia! Anthon!” Childe bends down and wraps them both in his arms, lifting them off the ground. It’s clear Childe works out. “I’ve missed you guys so much. How are you?” He plants a big smooch on their cheeks.

Tonia is the one who answers. “Oh, big brother, I’ve been really busy with school. There’s too much work!”

“I like science class,” Anthon says, adding nothing to the conversation.

“Well, of course, there’s a lot of work! You’re a big girl now, Tonia. You have to study well.” Childe sets them back on the ground. “You guys seem to be doing good. And Anthon, I’m glad you like science class. I just hope you’re not causing too much trouble.” He fishes into his pockets and pulls out two lollipops that he hands to the two kids.

They thank him and Anthon scurries off to tell his parents that Childe has arrived.

Tonia eyes Zhongli and then smirks at Childe. “Big brother Ajax, who is this?”

“He’s my… best friend,” Childe says, remembering what Zhongli had said yesterday to Auntie Olga.

“Best friend,” Tonia echoes. She sounds doubtful.

Zhongli extends a hand to her with a small smile. “Yes. My name is Zhongli. I am indeed Ajax’s best friend.”

Tonia firmly shakes it and leans in close, whispering conspiratorially, “You two are dating, aren’t you?”

Childe ruffles Tonia’s hair and grimly says, “Don’t say that around Mother and Father. I don’t want to cause problems. I’m just here to do what they want me here for and then I’m gone.”

“Oh, but brother…” She lets go of Zhongli’s hand to fix her hair and grab her brother’s hands, tugging him close and looking up at him pleadingly.

“Sorry, Tonia. I would love to be part of the family again but I can’t. Not with what happened when you were younger.”

Tonia crosses her arms and rolls her eyes. “I can’t believe in this day and age, they—”

“Ajax?”

Zhongli sees a woman, no more than fifty, walk towards them, slowly and carefully, as if she were avoiding spooking a scared animal. He immediately sees the resemblance: this woman has bright blue eyes and ginger hair. She can’t be anyone but Childe’s very own mother. His assumption is proven to be correct when Childe drops his hands and stares at her.

“Mother.”

The woman smiles brightly and beckons Childe close, wrapping him in her arms and giving him a bear hug. “Oh, my baby, you actually came.”

Childe hesitantly hugs his mother back. “Yeah. I had to.”

Zhongli watches the scene unfold with a thin smile. For a family that kicked him out, they sure welcome him back warmly. I wonder what they’re planning. Tonia pokes Zhongli’s side and when he looks at her, she nods her head at the man that lingers near the door frame in the back. The man has a stony gaze, blue, cold and distant. A patriarch, for sure. The sight of him makes something in Zhongli bubble in anger. You’re one of the people who made Childe miserable for so many years .

Childe’s mother finally ushers the three of them to the dining table where Childe’s family sits. Or stands. Many of them are by the window, a glass of wine in their hand. Zhongli spots at least six more redheads. Some have blue eyes, some have brown. He’s seated next to Childe and the rowdy dining room falls silent.

The stoic man that is Childe’s father sits at the end of the table, an elderly woman sitting at the complete opposite end. Childe’s mother supposedly sits next to her husband—her seat is empty for now—and the siblings are seated in a row next to each other. The rest of the seats are filled—with the exception of one, the one right across Childe—by various family members, all of them related by blood to Childe as he finds out when he’s informed of it via whispering.

“These are all my uncles and aunts on my dad’s side. Their husbands and wives aren’t here. Auntie Nikita isn’t here either,” Childe whispers in a hushed tone. “Over there is my babushka. She’s probably the one who summoned us all here.”

As if on cue, his grandmother speaks up. “Ajax, who is this?”

Auntie Olga, who’d been busy chattering with one of her sisters, chimes in before either of them can respond. “That’s Ajax’s best friend! His name is Zhongli. He’s a very polite fellow, I like him.”

The grandmother glares at Auntie Olga and the woman just looks away, not-so-discreetly rolling her eyes.

Zhongli tries his best to listen as the family makes small talk, pretending like they hadn’t practically disowned Childe only to force him to come back after ten years of near radio silence. It makes him angry, especially because he can see that the smile on Childe’s face is incredibly forced. Under the table, his leg is bouncing. Zhongli reaches under and holds Childe’s hand. It’s a quiet reminder that he’s right there if anything goes wrong.

The smell of food is very strong. It gets even stronger and more delicious when the oven rings and Childe’s mother takes out the meat pie and chicken.

As the feast begins, chatter rises again. Childe seems to have relaxed a lot more now that he sees there’s no reason to be so anxious. Zhongli talks to Tonia who sits across from him. They debate historical events and Childe teases them for being “nerds”. Tonia immediately counters by asking him what the Great Cataclysm is and when it happened. When he’s stumped, both Zhongli and Tonia begin to tease and make fun of him. He raises his hands in surrender and laughs before putting more food on Zhongli’s plate. 

The dinner seems to be going fine but Zhongli can’t help but feel like there’s more to it. Childe’s grandmother is having a wordless conversation with her son across the table, and if that doesn’t scream suspicious, Zhongli doesn’t know what does.

His suspicions are confirmed when the grandmother stands up, clinking her glass.

“I would like your attention, please.”

The chattering of the room falls in a decrescendo. Childe tenses up. He looks at his father for an explanation but he’s only given back a cold look. 

“As you all know, Ajax was sent away from the family more than ten years ago. He was sick and confused and I couldn’t let it affect the rest of the family. We could not have another Nikita.” As he listens to Childe’s babushka , Zhongli wants to throw up. “He was to live in Fontaine until whatever is wrong with him was gone. I’m sure ten years was enough to get rid of his illness. Now, I bring him back here, on this day of winter solstice, so he may return to the family once more.” His grandmother sweeps a hand to the hallway. 

That’s when a beautiful woman dressed in a flowing, purple dress walks in. It has multiple layers and has little plum flowers sewn into it. Her dress trails behind her and she’s followed by a tall man with dark hair. The woman has silvery blonde hair and a fair face. The expression she has is sad, like she doesn’t want to be wearing the dress, doesn’t want to be here.

“ Mama ,” the man says in greeting to Childe’s grandmother.

The grandmother turns back to her family with a smile. “Ajax.” He’s been standing since the woman walked into the room. “I’m sure you remember this young lady.”

“Yelizaveta,” Childe breathes out.

“Hi, Ajax,” she says meekly. 

“Yes, there you go. You do remember each other. You were childhood friends, I do not see why you wouldn’t. Anyways, now that you are both of age,” she motions for Childe to come close and he moves by rote, “you are to be married as agreed by both families when you were younger. The rings have already been prepared.” The man with black hair brings over a box and opens it. There really are two glittering rings in there.

The room is silent. Childe and Yelizaveta look at each other, an unreadable expression on both their faces.

Zhongli feels like his world is falling apart. Surely Childe won’t agree. He can’t. It’s an arranged marriage. His heart breaks when Childe doesn’t protest as a ring is slid onto his finger by his grandmother. The action is mirrored with Yelizaveta and the other man. Childe is  just standing there, helplessly looking at Yelizaveta as she avoids his eyes.

“If you marry this woman, Ajax,” his grandmother says, “you will be a part of the family again.”

And Zhongli feels like he’s lost.

He excuses himself quietly and leaves the room, picking up speed so that he’s running when he picks up his coat and leaves the house. The cold wind smacks him in the face and tears spring to his eyes. He begins to walk down the street, not knowing where he’s going, but he just knows he has to go. His breath is steamy in the air and he just looks at it in wonder. I overreacted. I’ve felt worse than this so why did I react so viciously? Zhongli looks behind him, debating going back and apologizing. On second thought, he doesn’t think he can face Childe after that.

He doesn’t need to.

Snow crunches under running footsteps behind him and Childe catches Zhongli’s hand. 

“Zhongli, stop—!”

Zhongli turns on him, tears in his eyes. “Please tell me you were just shocked. Please. ” He purses his lips before they can wobble too much. “Please…” The question is unasked but there: me or them?

“I need to be back with them,” Childe says quietly and it’s all Zhongli needs.

Betrayal slaps Zhongli in the face and it hurts. It really does. 

Childe tries to reach up to wipe away the tears that flow freely down Zhongli’s cheek but the ring is still there and his hand is slapped away. 

“I cannot believe you. I mean, I can. I understand that you still love your family despite everything and that you would want to be a part of them once more but I do not believe that you are serious. ” Zhongli takes a step away from Childe, voice trembling. “Ajax… I was there for you. When you cried, I lent you my shoulder. When your family disowned you, I was there to comfort you and help you back onto your feet. Celestia, I even came all the way here to Snezhnaya to assure you did not feel you were alone in this world. I would have fought it for you, Ajax. I would have fought the world. I love you. Will you really do this to me?”

“I still love you, Zhongli.” Childe takes a step forward, Zhongli takes one back and they stand at a stalemate. “But…” He looks down.

His answer can’t be any more clear.

The cold bites at Zhongli but his heart hurts more. “Okay.” A hollow laugh escapes him before he can stop himself. “ Okay. I understand. Well, congratulations, Ajax. Childe, I mean. I…” He chokes down a sob. “I wish you a nice marriage. I hope she treats you well and that you are happy in your new engagement.”

That’s all he can say.

Childe doesn’t say anything to reply. He just gives Zhongli the car keys and quietly says, “Goodbye, Zhongli. Thank you. Have a safe flight.”

Childe broke his promise.

༻❁༺

And back to a stranger.

It’s been three years since he’s last seen Childe. After letting him go, Zhongli had pushed past him and picked up his stuff from the hotel. He’d gotten on the next flight back to Fontaine. He didn’t shed any tears past that day. It’s just how life is: constantly changing. He and Childe have gone from strangers to friends, friends to lovers, and they’re strangers again.

Neither of them blocked each other.

They just don’t talk. At all.

Zhongli still lives in what used to be their apartment. Is it unhealthy of him to cling to what isn’t really quite there anymore? Definitely. He can’t help himself though. He’s still in love. He pays the full rent since Childe lives in Snezhnaya with his wife now. Of course, being their close friend, Venti had asked Zhongli what happened but he hadn’t been deemed an answer. He seemed to understand though.

It’s not just that he and Childe don’t talk. It’s as if he’s disappeared off the face of Teyvat completely. Venti, blessed he be, lets Zhongli know Childe is still alive from time to time, knowing fully well how Zhongli feels about him. His heart aches for Childe often.

The last time he saw Childe was when the man had come over to pick up his stuff before moving to Snezhnaya. His wife, Yelizaveta, was there, too. Only polite hello -s were exchanged between the three of them and nothing more. Childe picked up his stuff then left Zhongli’s life again. He’d uttered less than five words to him despite Zhongli trying to catch his attention the whole time.

Regardless, Zhongli still sees Childe in corners of their— his —apartment. 

In the room across from his, there are dark stains on the carpet from when Childe had spilled wine the night he’d gotten too drunk. On the shower wall, there’s a small heart drawn with a permanent marker. Zhongli remembers that one well. He’d been trying to get Childe to dye the tips of his hair blue because the ginger had lost a dare to Venti. Out of frustration, Zhongli had given the man a marker to draw with so he’d stop trying to kiss Zhongli’s fingertips covered with hair dye.

And now, as he stands on the balcony, he can hear the words again.

I wish it could work out but I’m too unstable in so many ways for a guy like you.

Zhongli touches the tips of his hair. With Childe, well, gone, he hasn’t had a reason to hide the glow that painfully reminds him of his immortality, the thing that makes sure he’s stuck in a cycle of love and loss.

“If only you’d known the baggage I carry.”

He looks out at the city. It’s still the same twinkling landscape of cars and lamps and stars in the sky, hidden behind murky clouds. It’s amazing how such significant things could happen in a person’s life yet everything else around them continues to move forward. Such is the flow of time.

A soft sigh.

Zhongli leans against the railing and lets the warm summer breeze ruffle his hair. His black turtleneck presses against his skin with the wind and resumes its original position once there is no more breeze. It’s already the summer solstice. He wonders if Childe is outside, also looking at the sky. Maybe they’re looking at the same moon, hoping to be together again.

He chuckles. I must be delusional.

Zhongli reaches over to the table on the balcony where a steaming cup of yellow chrysanthemum tea sits. It’s the last tea from the loads that he’d bought with Childe in Snezhnaya. He’s been drinking all of them for three years and now… Well, once he finishes this one, there will be nothing left.

How ironic is it that he drinks a tea said to reduce heart diseases but the problem with his heart is one incurable by medicine?

He stares into his teacup then turns back to the stars. 

“Did you know,” he says to no one in particular, “that in Fontaine, chrysanthemums are given as a token of grief? Yellow chrysanthemums are especially significant of neglected love.”

Truly ironic.

It’s midnight. The moon is at its peak.

Zhongli’s phone rings.

He thinks he’s lost it. He hasn’t heard that ringtone in three years. When he turns to look at the table where he’d left his phone, he finds out that he has, in fact, not lost it. Zhongli picks up on the second ring.

“Ajax,” he says and the name holds so much emotion.

“ Zhongli .” Childe sounds equally as emotional. He sounds like he’s on the verge of tears.

After three long years, Zhongli isn’t sure what to say. He’s not angry nor is he sad. He’s thought a lot about what he would say if he had the chance to speak to Childe again but all that thinking disappears now that he’s actually in the situation. “How are you?” It’s all he can manage.

“Good.” It’s a blatant lie but he can’t be blamed. “What about you?”

“In all honesty, I’m feeling very nostalgic tonight.” I’m thinking about you.

Childe laughs over the phone. It sounds empty. “What a surprise. Me too.” It’s quiet for a long moment as if neither of them could believe they’re talking to each other again. “Remember the day we met?”

This isn’t how Zhongli expected the conversation to go.

“How could I ever forget?”

“You found me crying in front of the airport. You were there to pick up Venti from his flight back from New Mond.” Zhongli remembers it very clearly. “I was just some kid, crying like a loser in public, but you still approached me and offered me a tissue and got late to pick Venti up because you were busy helping me. From that day on, we were practically inseparable.”

Except they did get separated in the end.

“You were some kid, crying in public, and that’s exactly why I helped you. Not to mention…” I recognized the man I love immediately. “You were eye-catching.”

“Were? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I apologize,” Zhongli says, tone sarcastic, “I meant are. ” He pauses and continues more seriously, “I have not seen you in three years though. Who knows if you are the same?”

That sobers up the mood quickly.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“I have forgiven you long ago.”

“Bullshit, ” Childe spits. “You’re allowed to be mad.”

Zhongli doesn’t even have the energy to argue. He leads the conversation somewhere more lighthearted. “My lock screen is still that silly picture of us at the lake.”

“The one Venti took? Where we’re being idiots on that branch?”

“Yes.” A small chuckle is heard from the other end. “Do you remember how we almost fell in because a ladybug startled you?”

“Don’t remind me. You were so mad at me.”

“Can you blame me? The sweater I was wearing had been a gift from you.” Zhongli touches the turtleneck. He doesn’t mention to Childe that he’s wearing the same sweater. From where he’s standing, he can see a cloud pass over the moon, hiding her sublime beauty with its murkiness.

Zhongli hears the wind, picked up on Childe’s mic. He’s also outside.

“How is your wife? I know you did not call just to reminisce. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Typical Zhongli. Of course, you know there’s something wrong.” Childe moves and the wind blows louder. “She’s sad as always. We don’t have kids because we don’t want to ruin their lives. We’re not a happy couple, Zhongli.”

He isn’t relieved to hear that. “That sounds very tough on you.”

“My grandmother and father want me to continue the bloodline. There’s a constant pressure to have kids but I’m still so young. Yelizaveta doesn’t even want kids because, well, she knows…” Childe doesn’t love her. “She’s not a bad wife. Far from it. She’s nice to me and all but I feel like I’ve just wasted three years of my life with a stranger in a house that isn’t my own. Yelizaveta is prone to sadness too and she’s so often cooped up in the room. Being around her is like a crushing, suffocating blanket of misery and gloom.”

Zhongli notes that he doesn’t say “our” room. “Evidently, you did not divorce her.”

“I needed my family, Zhongli,” Childe reminds him.

So much that you need to suffer through all that and leave me too? Instead of those scathing words, Zhongli asks, “‘Needed?’”

Childe seems to brush past that. “That day you stormed out of the house, my family got mad at me.”

“Oh.” Zhongli presses his head against the cool railing and sighs. “I thought that might happen. I’m sorry for acting so brashly.”

“Compared to what I did to you after that, I don’t think your actions were very serious.” Childe sounds so genuinely self-deprecating that it hurts Zhongli a little bit. “Tonia was especially mad when she found out what I did. She hasn’t talked to me nicely since that day. She seems to hold it against me, letting you go.” Childe inhales deeply and exhales. There’s a metallic noise of a small object falling to the ground. “They dislike you, Zhongli. My family, I mean. Auntie Olga doesn’t participate but they talk badly about you a lot. I can’t stand it anymore. They talk bad about you and it’s my fault. ”

“My own action of storming out was not your fault, Ajax.”

“And what caused you to ‘storm out’?” Zhongli is silent and Childe triumphs. “Exactly. Me. My stupidity.”

“You need to stop being so harsh on yourself. I told you, I’ve forgiven you.”

“You know, Tonia once shouted at me when I pushed too hard. She told me that I was a terrible person for what I did to you. Said she couldn’t believe me. Just like you said.”

His chest aches. “How did you reply?”

“I just stood there and took it. She’s right.”

“You’re not a terrible person. You’ve done bad and regretful things, but that does not make you a terrible person,” Zhongli tells him and he means it. His Ajax, a terrible person? Far from it. When the wind wails loudly over the phone again, he finally asks, “Childe, where are you?”

“Up.”

A pang of fear hits Zhongli. “What does that mean?”

“I’m gonna go down, then go up. For now, I stand on the railing,” Childe answers cryptically, voice a stable sing-song.

“Get down.”

“I plan on it.” Zhongli stays quiet for another instant. Childe continues talking. “I got rid of the ring. It’s somewhere on the ground, far, far below me. I kicked it off.”

“I do not know what you want me to say to that.”

“Nothing. Just telling you.” An inhale. Another exhale. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I really am. You say you’ve forgiven me, which I doubt, but I haven’t. It keeps me awake at night. You keep me awake at night. I toss and turn, wondering what would’ve been if I hadn’t been so selfish. It’s all a big burden. I’m a big burden.”

Zhongli rests his cheek in the palm of his hand as he leans back against the railing, heart hammering in his chest. “You apologize for hurting me. You are going to again, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” There’s a quiet exhale. “I won’t be able to apologize after this time.” There’s a long pause like Childe is debating saying the next part. When he begins again, his voice is light. “You know how people say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? Well, it’s happening. My whole life is playing out in my mind. The only, should I say, problem is that it’s all you.”

Childe laughs and it sounds forced.

“You were my life, Zhongli.”

The immortal looks out at the city once more. 

“I still love you.”

Childe is too quiet all of a sudden and after a couple of beats, there’s a hiccup from the other end of the line.

He’s crying.

Zhongli wants to be there, wants to hug him and tell him that he’ll be okay.

“I can’t take any of this anymore, Zhongli,” he says and his voice cracks. Zhongli feels like his heart does too. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says like it’s a mantra. “ I just want to be free of all burdens. If it just stops, I’ll finally be free .” He sniffles. “I can see Teucer again.”

“You can get down. Teucer will wait for you. You can come back, Ajax. Back to me. Please, please, just listen to me.”

“Come back? After what I did to you?” A shaky sigh is let out. “No.”

“But I forgive you— ”

“Stop lying to me! Stop. Just… stop.”

There’s wind howling over the phone. Zhongli’s heart sinks. He can hear Childe laugh. It sounds happy, sad, free. Like all his burdens were just lifted off his shoulders and he’s ready to fly once more.

Like he’s been freed.

Zhongli is all of a sudden too aware of what’s going on. He runs back inside and grabs his keys and coat and rushes out of the apartment. This isn’t right. This isn’t how it usually plays out. He can’t get to Childe on time, he realizes with sinking horror. He stops and stands, helpless, in front of his door.  

His heart is racing and breaking and shattering and bleeding and—

Zhongli brings his phone to his ear one last time.

And the cycle will continue nonetheless.

“I loved you, Zhongli.”

The line goes dead.