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“i’m here ichimacchan~”
osomatsu was stood at the doorway that lead to the school roof where he was told to meet ichimatsu right now.
said boy was currently curled up against the roof fencing, startling the moment he heard osomatsu’s voice.
“n-niisan,”
ichimatsu looked borderline panicked, but not because of osomatsu. no, he was waiting for him, desperate for the eldest to show up.
earlier right as their whole class was heading out of their classroom for lunch, ichimatsu had stopped a yawning osomatsu with a hand on his shoulder, breathlessly whispering a ‘meet me on the roof after everyone goes back to class’ avoiding eye contact, right before he threw on another one of his try-hard smiles and caught up with his group of friends. osomatsu had watched him walk out of view, examining his brother who was currently chatting and laughing. he wasn’t confused on his request, he knew exactly what he wanted.
they were supposed to be in class right now listening to their teacher talk about god knows what along with their other peers, but ichimatsu needed him at this moment, especially at a time when no one else would show up uninvited. usually when he needed osomatsu it would be after school or in the dead of night. if ichimatsu needed him right now in the middle of school, it only meant it was serious.
“i’m so sorry, i- i know i’m annoying when i ask you for this, but it’s just—“ he had to stop talking, voice quivering before almost spilling out. he wrapped his arms around himself like a baby.
osomatsu kept his reassuring smile on his face, eyes curving in that familiar crescent shape. he closed the door behind him, walking his way over to his small curled up brother. he kept his hands in his pockets, and he honestly looked kinda cool in this moment, but ichimatsu knew he really wasn’t. “hey, it’s okay. you know i don’t mind helping you,” he squatted down to ichi’s level, wrapping his arm around the others shoulder. “it’s cause i’m your cool and reliable older brother~” osomatsu smiled, big and toothy. ichimatsu could’ve snorted if he didn’t feel like there was currently a rock sitting in his throat. still, as comforting as osomatsu’s words seemed, ichimatsu still couldn’t shake the guilt.
they were all brothers, so naturally guilt was kinda hard to come by, as bad as it sounded. it was easy to yell at each other, call each other annoying or a bother, and being honest without feeling bad about it. but despite it all, ichimatsu still couldn’t help but blame himself for asking too much of his easily offering older brother, especially with how frequently he’s been asking recently. it’s almost a daily thing at this point. osomatsu had never complained or seemed unhappy with his requests, no matter where or when, but maybe it was because he was the first born that ichimatsu feels the other can endure it and hide the inconvenience easily. still, ichimatsu is selfish and osomatsu is willing. he leaned his weight against osomatsu’s side, feeling his warmth despite the cool breeze that played with their bangs.
“it’s bad today..” he whispered, voice straining just enough to speak. his throat hurt from holding back tears. he could barely see his older brothers face through his lashes, stomach already anticipating.
“yeah?” the eldests voice was gently quiet, soothing and smooth. his face finally softened, toothy grin gone and all that was left was his warm eyes, half lidded as he traced ichi’s face with them. he rubbed ichimatsu’s chin with his thumb, guiding the other to tilt his head up, properly facing each other.
today was getting bad emotionally, but he also hasn’t had a release in a while and it was piling up. it’s barely been 48 hours since his last request from osomatsu, trying not to bother the other as much anymore, but this moment was proof it just wasn’t possible. he was already having withdrawals.
“make it stop.. please, niisan…” he looked up at his older brother, vision blurring with unshed tears.
his eyes fluttered shut the moment osomatsu’s lips made contact with the apple of his cheek, right under his eye. the butterflies had already begun kicking. his brothers lips were warm and gentle like the sunbeams currently peaking through dark grey clouds.
“it hurts, doesn’t it?” another kiss under his eye. “you just want someone to hold you,” another kiss below the previous, right next to his button nose. “you want someone to cherish you,” another kiss, on the corner of his lips where it tingled the most. ichimatsu felt like he was melting, like his heart would stop any second. “that’s why i’ll always be here for you, ichimatsu.” he whispered even more quiet than before, right before placing a kiss on the others chin. he’s so close to where ichimatsu wants him the most, but the teasing was also what helped melt him to his core. it was torture as he wanted the teasing to stop, but also to keep going.
he already feels numb—in the best way possible—the effects of osomatsu’s words, touches, just his presence alone giving ichimatsu that high he’s been craving like a drug almost everyday.
this thing between them, it all started when they were children, but it never started like this. ichimatsu wasn’t as burdened by the weight of the world as much when he was young, but sometimes things affected him differently than they did the others. ichi was a child that was hard on himself, sensitive, finding solace by hiding in the backyard or squeezing himself in the corner of the wall as tight as he could as he berated himself all day, a habit he’s still never grown out of.
that’s when osomatsu would show up, like he would for any of his other brothers, and pat ichimatsu on the back and invite him to come play, or tell him there was nothing he needed to stress over no more than anyone else. it was always osomatsu, and it was only ever osomatsu.
over the years, shoulder pats turned into back rubs— back rubs turned into side hugs— side hugs turned into full hugs— full hugs became cuddling on the couch— and then head kisses, hand kisses, cheek kisses, all until it reached this point.
the palms of ichimatsu’s hands were sensitive and shaking, feeling every fiber of their school uniform as he ghosted his hand up osomatsu’s arm from his wrist to his shoulder. he wanted to pull him close, pull him in in every sense—physically, mentally, emotionally.
osomatsu’s fingers tickled the nape of his neck, and then he finally pressed his lips against the others. it was soft, a barely there kiss, but it exploded all the same in ichimatsu’s body. he sighed through his nose against the kiss, and he felt every impurity come out with it, deflating him like a balloon.
truthfully, he knew the act itself wasn’t a bother to osomatsu, he knew his brothers reputation for being a shameless pervert and just as desperate for any form of skinship or intimacy. but that’s exactly why he feels worse about it, because he knows osomatsu would rather be doing this with a girl and not his own brother.
but this is what he needed, like a key when he felt himself choking in a small tight box. a teenager buzzing with hormones and emotions, he didn’t know who he was. he didn’t know what anyone expected of him, what his family expected of him, or what he expected of himself. he didn’t know who he was, what he was. where would he be in five years? let alone five months. what did he want in his life? truthfully, he had no desires nor aspirations. he didn’t know how to relate to anyone, his entire personality based off of lies and just copying what he saw around him, building himself to act as a person he knew he wasn’t because he knew a person like him, the real him, would never be accepted by anyone. no one would ever appreciate his true self, whatever it was because ichimatsu honestly didn’t know either.
the weight of the world, of expectations and realities, all the lies and the weight of his heart was too much to bear. fragile bones weeping under it all, begging for mercy. any moment and he knew he would be crushed by it all, body and soul pressed into a fine dust with nothing to be spared.
he wanted to be consumed by a salty ocean— a body of water that would take all the weight off, allow him to hold up the world with just his pinky, or watch it float above him and never think about it again. he wanted the ocean to take up every nook and cranny of his body and life, suffocating him and invading his lungs. osomatsu was that ocean.
he was the one willing to hold ichimatsu close when he knew nobody ever would, he was willing to treasure him, appreciate him, kiss him and take care of him. even if it was all fake, even if he was just acting, he did a hell of a good job at it. so good that it worked each and every time, allowing ichimatsu a moment to breathe even for just five minutes without worrying about a thing. he was the only one that could do it, the only one ichimatsu wanted to do it.
maybe somewhere down the line, it wasn’t just the act itself ichimatsu craved. maybe it was osomatsu all along. but that was something else to add to his suffocating weight of worries, and that moment wasn’t for right now.
“it has to be only you”
he whispered against his lips like a secret.
wait, did ichimatsu say that out loud? oops, he didn’t mean to. but it’s too late to take it back now. knowing osomatsu, he probably won’t think deeply of it anyway.
osomatsu finally wrapped both arms fully around ichimatsu’s body. his younger brother was so frail, heart so sensitive and raw when he wore it on his sleeves. he held him like he was glass that could crack. gentle enough to be mindful of his wounds, but firm enough to press him closer and closer and closer.
he finally deepened the kiss, peaking his eyes open to see a single tear slip from ichimatsu’s closed eyes. he sucked ichimatsu’s bottom lip, ears catching his brothers shy moan before releasing it with a pop and pressing their lips deep again. he couldn’t help but groan, closing his eyes and losing himself in the moment.
he wanted to hold ichi close, so close that ichimatsu could feel osomatsu’s heart beating for him like a call. he was hoping it was enough to convey it just like this right now.
osomatsu never pried, never forced himself on his brother or worked for anything more than what ichimatsu wanted and asked for. he did everything at ichimatsu’s pace, because he would do anything for him. his own needs and wants were last on the list, which was something he could only do for the fourth born despite his selfish nature, and everyone knew that he was.
if ichimatsu just wanted to use him for a moments comfort, as nothing more than a pillow to cry on and toss him away when he was done using him, then osomatsu was okay with that. if ichimatsu just wanted him to play the part of a fake lover to lie to himself and pretend it wasn’t his own older brother so he could make himself believe someone actually cares about him, then by god osomatsu was gonna put all of his love into that part and hope ichimatsu could actually believe it for real.
he wants ichimatsu, he knows he does. he knows he’s scum for wanting something more from his own brother, his own flesh and blood. but that’s exactly what he was—osomatsu was a piece of shit person, and he worked for that title. he always made sure to work for nothing at all, so any expectation of him wasn’t even an option.
but this was the only thing he genuinely was not going to work for, despite being the only thing he really wanted in his life.
but he was the first born son, and this much he made sure to endure with a friendly smile on his face and reassurances in his words. even if it pained him, even if it meant being the first and only thing he had to learn to let go of from his shaking grip.
but he knew ichimatsu relied on him, and that was enough for him. to hold him, kiss him, it was more than osomatsu could ask for. it was more than he ever thought he could do with ichi, and that was enough even to a piece of shit like him.
one day ichimatsu will find someone else, or figure out his life enough where he wouldn’t reach a near breaking point anymore. osomatsu was selfish because he wanted to live in this moment forever, despite knowing his brother only got like this because he was in pain. but at the same time, if and when that moment comes, where ichimatsu didn’t need him anymore, he would still be there for him by respecting it. if ichimatsu told him to keep his distance, as the first son he would take responsibility with a smile on his face.
the kiss got wet, but he knew it wasn’t more tears. the clouds finally gave, letting go of rain that poured directly on top of them. it was light, and it wasn’t enough to make them stop. they couldn’t.
it has to be only you
those words replayed in osomatsu’s mind like a mantra, the butterflies in his body consuming him whole. ichimatsu’s hands slipped beneath osomatsu’s jacket, hands sliding up his back and gripping onto his vest. he was trying to get as close as he could, minimizing the layers between them.
bodies whirring with hormones and passion oozing from every pore, the evidence of it would press tightly against their pants. but they would both ignore it, never bring it up, pretend it wasn’t there. their bellies tingled, being as inexperienced and untouched as they were, any moment they felt like they would burst.
ichimatsu felt like he was slipping into the floor, melting in a puddle along with the rain. the sun was still shining over them despite dark clouds, and osomatsu was still holding him close, preventing him from slipping even an inch away from his chest. he held him tightly like a lifeline, and ichimatsu whimpered against his lips once more.
hearts open and beating— beating for each other but they wouldn’t know.
just the two of them evidently being the only ones missing from their class was suspicious enough, but going back with rain on their clothes and red on their cheeks that probably didn’t fade away yet was even worse. but fuck it. fuck class, fuck school. nothing else mattered right now. why did anything else ever have to matter when they could just stay like this forever?
ichimatsu was the first to break the kiss, lungs craving air, but lips craving for more, already pink and swollen.
“i love you” he spoke over the light pitter patters of the rain. that was also part of their act, the cherry on top. they would never hear those words from anyone except from themselves, and it was enough of a lie to satiate ichimatsu’s lonely greed for the time being.
except for ichimatsu, the more he said it the less he faked it. he didn’t realize he put his entire heart into those three words at that exact moment, rendering him breathless as another tear raced down his cheek.
osomatsu reached up and wiped it away with all the gentleness of the world.
“i love you, too” he breathed out, his entire heart laid out raw when he spoke.
and thus, their little play ended. until next time.