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-"Please have a seat"
I look at the man standing beside me gesturing to seat. It's an chilly evening of November, winter wind is blowing heavily. But It's warm inside the restaurant. It's comfortable, I wish it could comfort my inside too which is drowning slowly.
-"Thanks" I say sitting down.
The man sits down too. It's a nice restaurant. Perfect for couples to come and have romantic dates. There are candles here and there, each table is decorated with roses. It's beautiful even tho I don’t like roses.
I glance at my surrounding. People mostly young couples are enjoying themselves. It's an ideal place for date, I think in my mind. However I am not here for any date tho. I came here for a business meeting. This place is not suitable for business meeting but I can't do anything. It was not in my hand to choose a place. It was chosen by the man sitting in front of me. CEO of our rival company, but now partner. Our companies are working at a big project together. We have already planned everything, had seminers and numerous meetings. So I am still a bit confused about why he wanted to meet me here.
-"So how have you been?" He askes
I reply with a short "good", trying to keep it normal. I am feeling uncomfortable and I will give anything to be out of here but there is no choice. Sometimes you need to compromise. And that's what I am doing. Compromise for the sake of our company.
-" Shall we talk about the project? " I ask
-"Oh Come'on. Don't you see this place? Do you think it’s suitable for having business conversation? " He smirks.
-"But I thought you wanted to see me for a business meeting?" I say dumbfounded
-"Yeah. But I don't want to talk about business now. Let's make this a business date." he says again smirking.
I am feeling sick. Is this why he wanted to meet me? Haven’t I made it very clear that I am not up for any kind of dates or such bullshit? Then why? I want to turn on my heels and walk away. But I know if I do this, it will effect our company and I can't afford that. I have to do this. "I can do this" I say to myself.
-"I don’t date. Let's have a normal conversation and I will leave." I say trying to sound nonchalant.
-"As you say. Why don’t you order? He replies.
I order a pasta and soft drink. He asks me for wine but I don’t wanna drink. So I simply refuse.
-"What's your favourite song?" He asks me while we wait for food.
-"Blue and grey" I answer.
He raises a brow apparently thinking something. He askes me reason behind choosing this song.
I stay silent while staring outside. It's a beautiful night tonight. It gives me melancholic feelings. I feel a strange butterflies in my stomach. Should I answer him? I think for a moment. Maybe yes.
-"The first time I listened to this song" I start still staring outside. "I almost believed it was my last day. I was draining at that time. I remember sitting in a corner of my room, holding a sharp new blade, thinking of cutting my nerves. That was the first time I listened to this song. The amount of pain this song offers to me, is unbearable. But it also heals me. Whenever I look back now, I often wonder how did I survive that cold night? And someone within starts singing, Can you look at me cause I am blue and grey?" I go quite.
He is silent too. I look at him. He is staring at me. There is a hint of surprise in his eyes. I am feeling pathetic. Maybe I shouldn’t have answered.
-"You must love him." He says out of the blue.
-"What? I don’t understand " I say trying to register his words.
-"Kim Taehyung. You must love him. And this is the reason you don’t date, am I right?"
I stare at him, shocked. How did he? Am I too obvious? Or did he just connected the dots?
-"I don’t " I say trying to supress the storm that is happening inside me.
-"I know you do. Don't try to lie." He laughs.
I am feeling feverish. "Why are you saying like this? " I ask in a low tone.
-"I have been noticing you since the day we have met in Hybe lebels. Remember at the last stock holders meeting? You were sitting opposite of Kim Taehyung. And I have seen how your expression shifts everytime you looked at him. I thought maybe you have a crush on him or something. But right now, I am feeling that it’s deeper than that." He stops.
-"I want to know your story. Are you willing to share?" He askes in raspy voice.
Can I?
-" It was August seven years ago, when I first realized I am in love. I was scared at first. Cause the word love, doesn’t go with me. What if I am not in love with him? What if it’s just an obsession? I asked myself a lot. But I was curious till the end. Slowly I started drowning in the ocean of love. I don't really remember how it started, but I do remember the first time he came to my dream. I was exhausted by the long tiring day, so I had fallen asleep early. That's when I saw him. People say, You can't recognize faces in your dream but that dream and his face is still stuck in my memory vividly. I woke up with a sharp pain in my chest. It was like my heart was bursting into pieces. I realized that I am madly, irrecoverably in love with him.
I was scared, true. But I have fallen in love with the most amazing person in my world, I was relieved to know this." I go quite.
I take a breath before continuing.
-"It hurts sometimes. It hurt back then too. Knowing that I have fallen for someone who doesn’t even know me. But he cared for me, his voice gave me peace even without knowing. So I just kept swimming. I knew I will never be able to reach the shore, not with him at least. But I wanted to stay as close as I can. So after my graduation, I started working at Hybe. It took me three years to make this position. He still doesn’t know how I feel, I don’t think he will ever. But I work with him, I can see him whenever I want, I can see him being happy on camera. I can see him being happy off camera too. I can provide safety and necessary support for him. And that's enough for me." I again take a breath.
-"Do you know what the best part is? I find him everywhere, in my breaths and in my tears and even tho we don’t have an ending, we can walk side by side. That's our story." I stop.
He stays quite for a while. I sip my drink. Then finally he speaks up.
-"I thought I could persue you to date me. But I won't anymore. I don't know why you don’t want to tell him, but I hope you will find your home. I mean it as a friend." He says in a sincere tone.
-"Thank you" I say smiling a bit.
-"I should go now," I say standing.
He offers me a ride but I refuse. I want to walk.
I walk by the road. The cold air is brushing thru my body, face, hair, my soul. I am feeling happy. Don't know why tho.
I stop near our company building. I don’t have to work tonight anymore. I can go home.
-"Wanna walk with me?" I send him a text.
He answer with a yes a bit later asking to wait for 5 minutes. I stand near the parking lot waiting for him.
-"Miaaaaaa" I hear his voice.
I turn around. There he is. Looking too beautiful to be true. He comes near with a boxy grin in his face.
We live in the same neighbourhood. Hannamdong. It's not that far away from our company building. So we decide to walk.
-"Why are you glowing suddenly? " He asks.
-"Nothing, just feeling happy. " I say.
He doesn’t say anything. Suddenly he holds my hand. I look at him surprised. But I keep holding his hands. I want to ask question but maybe not now. Some moments are just to feel. We walk while holding hands. The winter breeze is soothing us. It's cold so we walk pressing our body closer. He feels warm. He feels home.
Maybe life is not bad at all. Maybe sometimes walking home with the person you love is enough to stay, enough to live. I am gonna stay till the end, I whisper.
I don’t know if he heard me or not, but there is a smile in his face. A beautiful one. A healing one. It's that kind of smile you have when you are in love.
I am in love. Deeply. Maybe he is too.