Chapter Text
Rhiannon was having what she liked to call one of her ‘middle of the pack bad brain days’, which sounded ridiculous, knowing what her companions were going through daily. There was a whole other living being in their heads. It made her problems seem lesser.
Not that it was very bad, hence the ‘middle of the pack’ idea. It wasn’t like she was thinking none of what was around her was real. She knew what didn’t feel real. The breeze in the trees, the bark of Scratch, the stars in the sky. All of those things never really could be duplicated in a dream sense, or by a monster looking to control her.
Instead, she had just asked Valeria if she could be left at camp for the day, and had become no more than a vegetable in her tent. Scratch had come in to comfort her, leading to a very stressful situation were the owlbear cub had also come in, looking for his friend, unsure why Rhiannon was on the ground. Thankfully, a gentle “sho!” had been enough, but her tent bottom was a little torn up.
Everyone had returned some time ago. The group seemed to be in good spirits, Halsin was deep in conversation with the owlbear cub, sounding like he was trying to instruct it to leave his books alone. Rhiannon sniffed lightly in amusement at that, reminding herself to apologize to him later about not looking after the animals properly.
You shouldn’t have to, the nasty voice in her head started, Wyll was here. Gale was here. There’s nothing wrong with them. They could have stopped the owlbear from chewing on shit.
She brushed that thought away, taking some food from the offered super and wandering into the trees. No one asked.
Why would they? You don’t belong here.
She sat in the undergrowth, crossing her legs and placing the bowl in her lap. She would allow the spiral. She was due for one anyway. If she didn’t, it would build and build, until it became worse. She couldn’t have that. They needed her.
No one needs you. Lassiel didn’t need you. You were barely her partner. She left without saying goodbye.
She snorted lightly as she ate the food. Wyll’s cooking. He always used a bit too much pepper. Not that she blamed him. Spices weren’t really their priority, so they had to make do.
The voice left her alone for a moment.
She considered looking for some attention from Halsin. It wasn’t the same as before. How could it be? He was older now, he had changed. The one thing she was incapable of. True change. He was rougher now, almost snappier. A mentor, a leader, not a lover. If she asked for validation, he certainly would not give it.
He’s just entertaining you anyway. He doesn’t actually think you’re attractive. You’re acceptable. Even after all that was done to you. Same face, same proportions. Same mediocrity.
The tears were starting. She bent over her food, the pain in her chest breaking.
No one loved you. Mia didn’t, Lassiel certainly didn’t. Magnus cheated on you! You are worth nothing.
Valeria’s laugh mixed with Astarion’s carried into the forest.
She stiffened, telling herself not to listen in. That wasn’t fair.
Both of them? Really? As if either of them would give you the time of day.
She had to agree with that sentiment. Valeria was so beautiful. Her dark lips and hair, the way she carried herself, and her convictions. It made Rhiannon’s blood boil when the word “half-breed” was on someone’s lips. How dare they? They didn’t know Valeria. And Astarion, well, that was a snowball’s chance in the Hells. Just as gorgeous, and arrogant to match. Both of them with their red eyes, Astarion’s more bright, Valeria’s darker. It was infuriating how attractive they were.
Rhiannon put the food on the forest floor and pushed it away, preparing herself to get back to camp, least the couple needed privacy.
But they just chatted, Astarion teasing, as he always did, Valeria sending it right back at him.
Rhiannon closed her eyes, just listening to their voices. It calmed her, if only for a moment. With a smile, she imagined how Astarion would move as he talked. He always took up so much space. Valeria was his opposite, not making herself smaller, but just, taking up what she thought was enough.
You’re too greedy for your own good. Go on, go tell them how you think of both of them biting you at night. Tell them you care about them. Get yourself rejected so you can end this charade.
Rhiannon slowly sat back up, looking despondently at her food. She had barely touched it, but she couldn’t bring herself to eat any more. That’s when she knew it was worse than she had originally thought. Food always brought her joy, unless she was really unwell.
“Rhi?”
She jumped at Valeria’s voice. “Hey,” she croaked, clearing her throat.
Astarion looked bemused while his companion observed her with concern, the couple staring at her.
Valeria crouched down. “You didn’t notice us coming? You always know when someone is coming.”
She was very close. Rhiannon’s heart started to race. She prayed to every single deity in the realms that neither of them would notice. “I’m just having a strange day,” she blurted as an excuse.
“Strange?” Astarion repeated. “We’re all strange here, darling.”
The term of endearment did not help, making her heart skip.
Rhiannon struggled to find an excuse so they would leave her alone. “I’ll be fine tomorrow.”
Valeria did not look convinced, but stood up. “If you need anything, let me know.”
Rhiannon snorted. “Like, three men and a whisky?”
Astarion laughed. “My kind of woman. Don’t be a coward. Make it four.”
“That’s a lot of whisky.”
As Astarion scoffed, Valeria slowly smiled, content with Rhiannon’s joking.
Perfect, she’s sure you’re fine. Good job, numb nuts.
Astarion pulled on Valeria, but watched Rhiannon closely. “Come on, darling. I want to show you something.”
Rhiannon’s usual ‘have fun’ stuck in her throat as she watched them both disappear. She slumped, angrily tossing her food bowl, hissing angrily when it made way too much noise.
She pushed her palms into her eyes, and let the voice run free.
He despises you. She’s too beautiful for you. He couldn’t care less. She doesn’t trust you. They both wouldn’t think twice if they saw you in a crowd. You’re nothing. You mean nothing. You should just leave. You’re slowing them all down and putting them at risk.
Rhiannon curled up into a ball on the forest floor, allowing the sticks and rocks to push into her clothes and skin. Pain was good. Pain was a reminder. It was real. All of it was real.
She slowly shut herself off, closing her mind up, the noises of the night falling away. She sealed her eyes tightly, trying to think of a happy memory the voice couldn’t touch. Falling through the air, ready to catch herself at any time, but just free falling because she could. The sound of the wind in her ears, her hair pulling back, her clothes flapping. Just her, completely in control.
Astarion’s laugh broke that, making her frown as instead, two pairs of eyes filled her with wanting.
She pushed herself up, grumbling, angrily picking up the bowl, and marching into her tent to be left alone. She closed the ties this time, so even Scratch couldn’t come in.