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I didn't fail all the time.
There had been multiple times I'd plunged the kingdom of Hyrule into darkness and despair. In a number of reincarnations, on a few different timelines, I'd succeeded at what I'd set out to do. I'd killed the kid, made the gods have to flood the kingdom to stop me, caused a hundred years' worth of destruction, you name it. So no one should dare tell me I was wasting my time trying again. You really never do know until you try.
But this time, I failed spectacularly.
A lot was different this time around. We weren't in Hyrule this time, for one thing. We were in a much more bizarre world, with bizarre vehicles, and devices for sending messages to people instantly, and everyone used them to be constantly connected to some massive library of information called the internet. Oh, and I was female. Female and only eighteen, a high school student, taken seriously by no one. Well, that part could be a curse or a blessing. If no one suspects you, if no one can prove you're trying to do anything wrong... but even that didn't work. As usual, those two kids knew exactly what I was up to.
I didn't expect to hear that those two were the same age as me this time. They're supposed to always be but weak, pathetic children in comparison to me. But here we were, on a much more level field. And since I was forced to see them as peers rather than just children, I was forced to notice that Zelda was actually quite an attractive young lady. It felt... wrong, to think that. I wasn't that type of evil. I would commit all sorts of cruel atrocities, but never those driven by lust, which in itself seemed like quite a pathetic emotion. Lust for power is understandable, yes. But lust for the physical form just feels like it isn't worth nearly as much effort as some put into it.
The only thing that felt even worse was noticing Link as attractive. Because, this time, he was female too.
I had many memories of my past selves, and having spent most of the time throughout my lifetimes as an adult man, being this lady version of my usual self, it presented me with at least a bit of dysphoria. But something told me that miss “Linkle” felt no such thing. Between her being oddly clueless about her past selves, and always having been so androgynous to begin with, she'd gotten off easily in that regard. A foolish, brainless little pretty boy, now an equally vapid pretty girl.
Yet she was as popular with the other young ladies as she'd ever been. It seemed that all of us went to all girl schools, and somehow all the girls in those schools were into other girls. Was it just because there were no boys? Or was there something in the water here? One of Linkle's classmates, who I was forced to meet during a cooking competition I was forced to enter, straight up groped me, feeling up my unfortunately very ample chest. And, everyone laughed it off, like it was something she did all the time, and my falling victim to it had been simply a rite of passage they had all endured at least once before. As though she didn't deserve to have her hands cut off for touching me that way.
Then, one of my classmates, who I unfortunately had to deal with on a daily basis, was a masochist to the extreme. She never shut up about it. Her sister would call her a stupid bitch, and she'd get excited from that, in a way that felt genuinely incestuous. During the cooking competition, she'd watched meat cook in a frying pan and stated to me ever so casually that she'd like to try being cooked one day, to see how bad it hurt. She commented that she'd particularly like to be a piece of tempura. And she wasn't just saying these things for shock value. She'd started getting on my nerves so badly that I'd smacked her across the face, and she moaned. I hit her a few more times to try to get her to shut up, but the more I did, the clearer it became that she was legitimately feeling sexual gratification from my blows.
Disgusting.
In any case, my quest to obtain the Triforce had ended in catastrophic failure this time, and so I was sealed once again within the Sacred Realm. Or, at least, that was what I thought it was. But rather than being suspended in a crystal or something else in a realm of pure magic, I woke up with a face full of sand. Washed up on a beach somewhere. A beautiful tropical beach, unlike I'd ever seen before. But the whole thing felt off.
It felt the way it feels when everything is going so catastrophically wrong that you want to kill someone in a fit of rage, but your brain doesn't want you to kill someone right now, so it cuts you off from reality instead. And then it feels like being drunk, or dreaming, or both. Like everything is wrapped up in soft cloth or foamy bubbles, and even though horrible things are certainly happening, and you will have to deal with them later, your brain lies to you to keep you calm, telling you that nothing is real right now.
I remembered an instance where I had banished one of my worthless phantom minions to the gap between dimensions. I was starting to think that maybe that was where I was now. And an old, wrinkled, hunched over woman, one old enough to be my grandmother, had found me. I had no idea who she was, and she didn't seem to care to introduce herself yet.
“You're here early,” was all she said at first.
“Here early?” I asked. “Where is here? Why is it early?” No response. “Answer me, woman.” She just laughed. “Do you even know who I am? Do you know what sort of power you're dealing with here?”
“Do you?” she asked back. Unfortunately, that shocked me into silence. Because she was right. I didn't. I just stood there in shock as she finally answered me. “You're Ganondorf. You like to think of yourself as a king of evil, but currently, you're not king of anything. You're just a high school girl now. My granddaughter's age. You might know her. Her name is Asuka.”
“It doesn't ring a bell.”
“She goes to Hanzo National Academy. She's an elite student in their shinobi program, just as you were at Hebijo Clandestine Academy. Certainly, then, you've met her on the battlefield.”
“Hanzo National Academy,” I hissed with hatred. “That is the school where my... rival goes.”
“Rival? Ah, sounds just like Asuka and her friend Homura. Even though they're so frequently at each other's throats, they're always inspiring each other to become better shinobi. Although somehow I don't feel like your relationship with your rival is quite the same.”
“Damned right it isn't. She took the Tr—something very important from me, and I would literally kill her to get it back.”
“Would you really?” she asked, her tone condescending.
“Of course. I've killed her in cold blood before, you know. We both reincarnate frequently.”
The old woman looked shocked, and I thought at first that she was stunned that I would actually kill someone. But somehow it seemed like it wasn't that she was concerned about.
“Reincarnate?” Her eyes were wide. She shook her head and returned to her previous calm self. “She must be one of Asuka's friends. What's her name?”
“His name is Link.”
“I don't think there are any boys in Asuka's class. There's a girl named Linkle, though. Asuka's told me about her before.”
“Yes, she's usually a boy in most reincarnations. But that is the one.” Why was I telling her this?
“I do wonder about her. I hate to say it, but she seems as though she's the most likely student there to end up being a Kagura. Naturally, I'd want my own granddaughter to be the most successful. But... it also saddens me to know that any of these young girls will eventually have to be a Kagura. It's a very dangerous job, and there are many harsh truths they'll have to learn before they're ready. Burdening young ones with such harsh truths feels so cruel at times. But it's necessary...”
“...Kagura?”
“You'll find out in due time.”
“This sounds like it has something to do with the yoma. I've read a bit about them, but...” I didn't tell her I'd tried summoning them with the blood of shinobi. I especially didn't tell her that I wasn't the best at summoning them because I had to use tampons to collect the closest thing to shinobi blood that I could reliably get.
“You'll find out about that in due time too.” She didn't seem fazed.
I sighed. Something told me this stubborn old lady would not answer me more than that, no matter what I did.
“Why am I here on this beach?” I asked. “Can you at least tell me that?”
“Ah, yes. You are here because I have a big favor to ask of you.”
“A favor? To ask of me? What is it, and what will you give me in return? Will you work with me to help me get back from Linkle the thing I so desperately need?” I sighed. “I could certainly use to have someone on my side who actually carries power in this world. I loathe being seen as a simple student and not the powerful king I deserve to be. I tried to work with my teacher, Miss Suzune, but she didn't listen to a word I said. Useless.”
The old woman laughed again.
“This isn't a favor I have to ask of just you. This is a favor I have to ask of you, your classmates, and all the other shinobi students from the schools around you. It will take all of you, and it will still be quite a daunting task at that. But it's very necessary. Do you understand?”
“You need them all? So, whatever realm I am in, they'll end up here soon as well?” A sly grin spread across my face. I couldn't help it. If that was the case, then that meant that Linkle would be trapped in here with me soon. I would have another chance to slay her and take the Triforce from her.
“They will, but not for awhile. I'm still getting things ready, you know.” She sighed. “I guess in the meantime you can think of this as your own personal vacation. Take a break from the plotting and scheming, eh? No one will be around to bother you.”
“Really? No one else is here?”
“Well, my shrine maidens are here. But they'll be busy working with me. You shouldn't have to deal with them just yet.”
Unfortunately, I did have to deal with them quite soon. I had just decided to try to see what it was like to enjoy a vacation of sorts, when they'd come over to bother me. There were three of them. They introduced themselves as Renka, Hanabi, and Kafuru. I simply nodded when they talked at me, as I was busy trying to prepare myself a nice vacation juice. I was typically a dry red wine person, but of course this place didn't have any actually nice drinks. Still, I was pouring all the ingredients into a cocktail shaker. Yuzu juice, agave syrup, some low quality tequila...
“You'd better be careful not to get in Master Sayuri's way while she's preparing,” Renka said.
“Wouldn't dream of it,” I said, half sarcastically. Something told me I would need extra strength to deal with these three. So I added more tequila to the cocktail shaker.
“Ooh, but we should have fun now that you're here,” Hanabi said. “Let's do fireworks! I'm good at those.” Oh, Goddesses. More tequila.
“No fireworks,” Renka said. “No kaboom.”
“Aw... no fun either apparently.” Hanabi sighed.
“Wait, so you're the king of evil?” Kafuru asked. She seemed to be the same age as the rest of us, apparently, but between her short stature, pigtails, and reasonable sized breasts when everyone else had massive, gargantuan wastes of space on their chest, she looked so much younger. “You don't look old enough to be the king of anything. Plus, you're a girl.” More tequila.
“You don't even look old enough to be a Kokiri,” I told her, before realizing she'd have no idea what a Kokiri even was. “Not that it matters if you're a child or not. I've slain children your age before breakfast.”
“I don't think you've slain anyone in this lifetime,” she said, rolling her eyes. Well, Goddesses, wouldn't it be fun sharing a tropical island with this little bitch? She didn't even know who she was dealing with.
…More tequila.
“Should I start now?” I asked.
“Knock it off, you two,” Renka snapped.
“Yes, please. Let me enjoy my vacation juice, for once in my many lifetimes.” And so, not even this could truly be a vacation. Especially knowing that the others would all be here soon. I always hated being forced to sit and wait for the ideal moment to do something. Having a plan and knowing you can't put it into action until the time is right is so anxiety inducing. Yes, even evil kings as powerful as I am get anxiety sometimes. That's why they invented things like noble pursuits and other vacation juice.
I took a sip and cringed. I was used to making fairly strong drinks, but apparently I'd put too much alcohol in even for me. I couldn't help it. Every time those “shrine maidens” were irritating, I thought I'd need more alcohol to deal with them, so... it was their fault that this drink was absolutely disgusting. I knew I'd have to drink it anyway, though. I needed the mind-numbing effect. So I kept going. Sip. Cringe.
“What are you drinking?” Hanabi asked all perkily, seeming as though she was genuinely trying to make friendly conversation. It made me feel almost bad for her. Like she thought she was finally going to get to make a friend outside of the other shrine maidens, and then she ended up with someone who simply didn't do friendship. Really, the closest thing to friends I tolerate are minions. Still, I sighed, and gave her a genuine answer as I eased myself into a nearby beach chair.
“I made myself a vacation juice,” I said. Sip. Cringe.
“You don't look like you're enjoying it very much,” Kafuru said, her tone haughty.
“It has too much alcohol in it to taste good,” I said. “But I need it to have that much alcohol in it to deal with the likes of you.” Sip. Cringe.
Hanabi pouted. “You're not very nice.”
“Never in my life have I claimed to be nice.”
“Do you like things that explode?” She turned back to talking to me with her perky eagerness again in seconds.
“It depends,” I said. “Usually not. I have a... rival... that is very into explosives, and it gets tiring to deal with them.”
“Ooh, what's she like?”
“You seem like the type that would get along well with her. I'm glad she's not here yet. Once the two of you get together, I'm going to have to become a complete and total alcoholic. I mean, if I don't kill her first.”
“Oh.” Hanabi looked like she didn't know how to respond to that.
“Speaking of that,” Renka said. “We have to get back to preparing for the festival. Come on, sisters. Let's go.” She turned back to me. “See you later, I guess. Enjoy your vacation juice.”
“I will,” I said a bit too smugly, before taking too big of a sip and ending up coughing and spluttering on its intense alcoholic sting. Good thing they'd already started making their way away from me before that happened. I sighed.
This was going to be a long “vacation.”