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He woke up with a start, and for a moment became terrified. Where was he? Why was there excruciating pain in his eye and leg? Why could he see only out of one eye?
A moment passed in abject terror before he remembered. He was in a hospital ward in Marley. He had abandoned everything, everyone, and had come here in disguise, to make contact with his half-brother, Zeke Yeager.
He sighed.
It had been 3 months already since he left his squad. He stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering what woke him up. When he couldn’t quite place it, he closed eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep again.
Eren. Eren! Let’s go home, Eren!
His eyes shot open. He could hear her voice as if she was whispering directly into his ear.
He suddenly remembered why he had woken up earlier.
It was her. It was always her, visiting him in his dreams, pleading with him to stop his foolishness and go back to Paradis to her. That they would figure out another way together... He could almost feel her presence around him, a strange gravity pulling him away from where he was to where a part of him wanted to be.
He supposed he would never be whole again. He felt like his very soul was split and being pulled apart in many different directions, each direction guided by what he wanted to do, what he knew was the morally right thing to do, and what he knew would happen inevitably. He had had plenty of time to think through everything over the past few years, trapped inside his head as he was. His two biggest sources of comfort and support, Mikasa and Armin, were torn from him the second he kissed Historia’s hand. The shock of reality, the shock of finally- finally- learning the truth, had coursed through him like electricity, had paralysed him with the force of a hundred tranquillisers.
And in that split second, in that one eternal moment, he knew, with absolute certainty, that Mikasa and Armin could never know. They could never know the truth. They could never know the monster he would become. They could never know what lay in store for them all in future, they could never know the events that would lead them to believe that Eren himself had to be killed. For if they knew, would they be able to go through with it? Would they be able to kill a man if they had even an iota of doubt that he may be having better intentions? Even if those better intentions resulted in genocide?
Eren sighed. Fate had written his life with an iron fist. And by showing him the book that was writ, fate had sealed the deal.
He closed his eyes and thought of her. He imagined her voice, beside him, as she was in his many dreams since he abandoned her and left to Marley. If he concentrated hard enough, sometimes, he could smell her fragrance around him, and feel her soft gaze upon him. He had been so focussed on eliminating the titans throughout his life that he had never stopped to tell her how much she meant to him. It was never even about how many times she had saved his sorry ass from the jaws of death. It was more about her, just her, always being around him. Her strength of character, her unwavering support and unending loyalty. Her love. She was like the beam of light that shone out from the lighthouse he explored at Marley’s port. Always shining, always guiding him, always calling out to him, always showing him the way back, even when he didn’t respond. Eternally waiting patiently for him to return home.
His eyes watered at the thought. He knew, after all, that her wait would be in vain. He could never go back to her, never finish the war and settle down with her as he had naively thought in his younger days. After all, he was the war. The war ended when he ended. He would not have a life left to spend with her, and she would be left behind to love a dead man.
Or maybe she would move on and be happy with another man...
He wanted her to move on and be happy. He really did. He just wanted her to have some happiness in her life. Even if it meant being with another man.
Really though? You can think of Mikasa looking at another man the way she looks at you?
He cursed the voice in his mind and tried tuning it out. He was afraid of Mikasa forgetting him and loving another man. With her unwavering devotion to him, he would never have thought it possible. However, she had surprised him with her answer those months ago, when they were at the refugee camp.
“What am I to you?”
“You’re famil-“
She had been interrupted before she could finish, but Eren had realised what her answer had been. She had always referred to him as her family. Even when some others at the 104th and later at the Survey Corps dared to tease her with him, she had always maintained he was family. He had always supposed that youth and immaturity prevented them from admitting anything about how they felt for each other. But in that moment few months ago, when he asked her, no one was around. No one to pretend otherwise to, no reason to hide behind any walls. He could see how she felt clearly in her eyes. She could have been open with him.
The fact that she chose to refer to him as family even when he asked her in private meant only one thing. He shuddered. Her heart had grown. As much as Mikasa claimed that she could only care for and protect a limited number of people, she had allowed enough people to find home in her heart that she could not immediately answer him. She faltered. It was not that she didn’t love him, Eren knew. Her split second hesitation meant only one thing. It was that the war required her to care for more people, to keep her senses sharp enough to respond to everyone’s needs. It was plain and simple to Eren: she could not commit to him alone while the war was still going on. She cared a great deal about loving and protecting the others as well. Armin. Sasha. Jean. Connie. Historia. Levi heichou. She wanted them all to be safe as well.
That moment brought great clarity to him. He accepted that she could only love him in a limited way until the war was over. She would not be able to selfishly abandon everyone and live with him while their friends suffered. He knew she would do her utmost to protect him and everyone else, and would allow herself to be selfish only once everyone was safe. Only once the war was over. The war that ended with him.
Fate really had written his life with an iron fist. And her response had sealed the deal.
He turned over and pretended to sleep, while his pillow slowly got wetter.