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Being in the military was exhausting. Being on a ship, seeing the same faces every day to the point you understood their daily habits and those habits ended up annoying you and you can't get away from the person and you want to throttle them: it's trying to say the least. And its why one of the first things Ahsoka did on long hyperspace journeys was seek out places to hide on the ship.
Finding the perfect hiding spot was always series of trials and errors. It couldn't be too hidden — then you'll never find it again. It can't be too out in the open — then everyone can find you. It needed to be large enough for her to fit in and be somewhat comfortable — honestly, comfort had been abandoned long ago, she learned to sleep anywhere and find comfort on any surface. And it needed to be accessible — easy enough with a little Force application, but still something she kept an eye out.
Sure enough she did find the perfect hiding spot. A shaft that lead to one of the auxiliary vents. Located on the second level amidships. It was a little inaccessible to most, but for a Jedi of her dexterous skill, it wasn't that much of an issue. The space inside was large enough to fit her by herself in some semblance of relative comfort, and maybe fit another person if her guest didn't mind some physical contact and slight squishing into a space not designed for a living being. It was a good spot. A spot she used often. And one nobody had found.
It wasn't like nobody knew where she was. Anakin could easily sense her. Rex could ping her on her commlink. She was reachable — she just needed to get away. Not to meditate but to recharge and just zone out for a few minutes (or hours). Decompress. Besides, she'd sense danger and rush to Anakin's side before he even thought of sending a search party to rescue her.
It really was fine. Her little getaway. A secret oasis in this bloody war and this world of space and metal and clones and confusing things she still didn't fully understand. A secret place where she could come and cry for the men that died under her charge, for the battles lost, for the lives snuffed out never to twinkle in the vast Living Force ever again. A place all her own.
And right now, Ahsoka could think of nothing but running away to her little auxiliary vent. The battle on the planet below — she forgot it's name — had been difficult. The blood of brave clones wetted the dry parched earth. A sanguinary carnage that they had walked right into. The Jedi are too soft, she told herself as Obi-Wan droned on and on and on about the results of the battle. We hear civilians are in trouble and we don't even verify if it's true, we just rush right in and our enemies entrap us and slaughter us.
Rex had complained about that several times. Ahsoka glanced at him. He was wearing his helmet. A sign she knew that he didn't want the world to see what he was feeling, that he was breaking on the inside. They had lost good men — his brothers — today. Ahsoka felt that sometimes Rex took things too personally. That he willingly carried the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders. Stoic and dutiful, he was a stalwart soldier in this sea of chaos. Carrying everyone, while silently hurting in the privacy of his bucket.
Obi-Wan's droning voice finally ended, they had orders to return to Curoscant for a resupply and some liberty. Anakin said a few things — she wasn't paying attention — and everyone broke off to deal with the aftermath of the battle on their own terms. Anakin took her aside and spoke to her — again, she wasn't paying attention and only piped the dutiful 'yes Master' and 'I understand Master' and 'it won't happen again Master' to various statements she had no recollection of. Ahsoka went to her bunk after that and stared at the ceiling for several long moments before opening her footlocker and pulling out a lumpy squish package. She could smell the sugary spice of the uj cake. The auxiliary vent calling her. The quiet thump-thump-thump of the vent deep in the metal cylinder, the darkness, the soft green glow of the glowstick (it was too dangerous to use her lightsabers for light).
She didn't realize she was in the Chief Petty Officer's mess until she noticed Rex. The poor man was sitting by himself, nursing a cup of caf, his helmet by his elbow, the arms and torso portions of his armor missing, and staring at a point on the wall. He looked old. Older than he should be. An brittle as thin ice. "You aren't supposed to be in here littl'un," he mumbled. Ahsoka snorted, and touched the rope attached to the bell's clapper. For a moment she thought to ring herself on deck but decided against it.
"I'm almost seventeen, not exactly little anymore." She walked over to him and for a brief moment, she could feel Rex's eyes on her. Studying her as if trying to decide if she was really a little kid still or a young woman. It made her feel… warm. In a good way. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." He took a sip of his caf, in a way that told her he didn't want to talk about it and that if she was wiser — she wasn't — she'd leave him alone. Ahsoka sat down next to him. He glowered at her, but didn't say anything. "Does the General need me for something?" he asked.
"No," she said. "But… I do." He arched a brow.
"Can I do it later?" he asked. "I want to finish my caf."
Ahsoka sighed. "I guess." She stood up. "But then the uj cake wouldn't be as fresh." She shrugged. "Well, I'll be seeing you Rex." And headed towards the door.
"Did you say uj cake?" he asked, in a tone so similar to that of a boy who's interest had been piqued by a treat. Ahsoka didn't know why it made her heart ache for him. She gave a quick nod. "I guess… I could help you with whatever you need." She heard scrapping and the next moment, he was by her side, helmet clipped to his belt. "Lead the way" — he paused — "Ahsoka."
Grinning, she lead Rex through the twists and turns of the ship's passage ways until she came to the second level amidships. There, jutting off on an unused nook filled with twisting pipes and metal was her secret vent. "I don't understand," Rex said. "Why are we here?"
"This." She waved her hand and the door that led inside the vent opened up. Rex clicked his tongue. "Do you need a hand?" she asked.
"Nah. I can make it." He took a step towards the vent and then jumped and grabbed the sharp lip of the door. Rex grunted, dangling for a moment. Ahsoka watched him, that lovely warmth returning as her lekku darkened at the sight of his biceps bulging beneath his blacks as he pulled himself into the vent. He grunted and swore as he wriggled his way into the vent and then around to face her. "Okay," he said, holding out his hand. "Your turn."
Ahsoka took a deep breath — one to center herself and ignore the fact that she liked the way his blacks outlined his muscles — how come she never noticed how fit Rex was — and to mentally prepare herself for the jump. She leapt and grabbed his hand. Grunting, she scrabbled up into the vent. It was tight and awkward and her stomach was across Rex's lap and his face was in her armpit. They wriggled and shifted, grunting as feet and elbows jabbed tender squishy parts of their bodies. Finally they made it work. Rex on the bottom with his knees making a brace for her to lean her side against, and she sitting on his abdomen. She grunted, pulling out the uj cake as Rex turned the light on his helmet. He wedged his bucket between her feet. "Sorry about the tight fit."
"It's okay." He shrugged. "Spent the first few years of my life in a tube." His lips twitched. The joke didn't land. "Sorry." He rubbed his head.
Ahsoke opened up the box and pulled out the sticky sweet cake. "You aren't gonna drool all down my lek like an overly content loth-cat are you?"
Rex didn't say anything, tried to shift and gave up. "No. Just let me…" he slipped his left arm along her shoulders, beneath her back lek. "There. Okay." She handed him his half of the small cake. They ate in silence, both lost in their thoughts though content with the other person. Ahsoka could hear Rex's breathing, feel his heartbeat against her lek that was pressed against his chest. The drone of the vent far overhead was a comforting white noise. Nobody knew they were in here. They licked the spicy sweetness from their fingers and she watched as Rex picked up the larger crumbs from the box. She forgot how rare it was for the clones to eat anything other than GAR regulated food.
"He was just a kid," Rex said, breaking the companionable silence. She looked at him and twitched her lek against his chest. "Jay." Rex swallowed. "He just got finished with his training and he was so… shinies always have this naïve optimism about them but Jay… Jay's was infectious and I thought… maybe… and he's gone."
"I'm sorry," she said, taking his hand that rested on her shoulder. "I wish I got to know him."
"Never did tell you about Umbara," he said. "Hate the dark because of it. Can't stand it. Never used to bother me. We're clones, we had such fears bred out of us but after Umbara… I need the light on just to sleep. Otherwise Krell comes back in my dreams."
"Does he still come back in your dreams even with the light?" she asked. Rex swallowed, and nodded. "I sleep with my lightsabers under my pillow," she said. "Ever since I got taken by those Trandoshan hunters, I have to keep my lightsabers close. And when we rough it, I always… it's why I always opt to sleep in the middle of the clone cuddle puddle. Because if someone tries to take me… at least… at least I have my men all around me to make sure they don't succeed."
Rex squeezed her shoulder. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you." The sincerity in his voice broke her. He was too good for this war. Too good for this life. The terrible irony of him being born a clone.
"When they brought me back to the Temple… Master Plo came to check on me and… and I cried. I clung to him and I cried." She leaned against Rex, burrowing deeper into his chest. He wrapped her up tight, cheek against her brow. "I just wanted him to protect me."
"Sometimes I think I'm a coward," he said, his thumb stroking her wrist. "For not standing up to Krell more. For not saying no when I knew his orders were getting my brothers killed. Waxer is dead because of me. I was just trying to be a good solider, follow orders." He shrugged. "But… how can I be a good soldier when I lead my men into a death trap? At what point do I have to stop following orders and start thinking about my men?"
"I don't know, Rex." She snuggled closer to him. He gave a soft grunt and held her tighter. "Rex?"
"Hm?"
"What do you plan to do after the war?" she asked. He sighed.
"I… I don't know. I never thought about it. Never really figured I lived this long." He nuzzled her akul teeth. "I never thought about it."
"After the war, let's go somewhere nice. Peaceful. Just you and me. We can eat uj cake until we're sick and just lay around and do nothing for as long as we want. Forget the war ever happened. Forget Umbara, the Trandoshan hunters — all of it." The adrenaline from the battle, the retreat — it was now starting to leave her system. The crash weighing her down like a fifty ton weight. Ahsoka yawned, finding Rex's hand and lacing their fingers together. "A vacation. Just you and me. How does that sound?"
Rex didn't say anything for several long moments. "I'd like that." A pause. "Can I tell you something? Something personal?" he asked.
She smirked. "I mean if we're confessing our darkest feelings to each other then sure, why not. Go for it, Rex. What do you want to tell me?"
He paused, as if he was debating on how to say it. "I uh… well…" he flushed. "I never been kissed." Ahsoka looked at him, she had a feeling that it wasn't the exact thing he wanted to tell her, but she didn't press it.
"I have," she said, "it wasn't great."
"Who… who kissed you?" he asked.
"Lux." Something stabbed her heart. Lux had kissed her to hide her from the Death Watch. Lux had just kissed her without any warning. Lux had used her for his own ends. And then he went had was all sweet on Steela and —
"Never did back at him for breaking your heart," Rex grumbled, a note of protective jealous in his voice. "Should messed with a droid popper and had it zap him. That'll show him."
Ahsoka chuckled. "Aww, Rexster, almost sounds like you're sweet on me." She grinned. Rex flinched, staring at her with wide amber eyes, his cheeks dark with a blush. The realization was like a crashing waving — no, it wasn't a crashing wave, but the gentle lapping of the ocean meeting the shore. A swelling warmth within the Force that she guessed she always knew. A gradual awaken of a flower's first spring, petals unfurling one by one. She didn't know when it started — for either of them — but looking back she noticed the subtle shifts. Rex standing closer and closer to her, checking up on her, smiling at her. Little things. Gradual things.
"Maybe… Maybe if you kissed someone you liked it—" Ahsoka pressed her lek tip against his lips. Voices. Voices from the outside. Chunking footsteps of troopers. At least two near their vent.
"Rex? Commander?" one voice said — Fives by the sound of it.
"They aren't here, Fives," the other voice — Tup — said.
"Of course they are. We looked all over the ship and we haven't found them. And General Skywalker said Ahsoka was second level amidships." Ahsoka froze. Kriff. She forgot about Anakin's ability to sense her. Her entire concentration had been on Rex that she forgot to check in with her master to make sure he didn't worry too much and send someone to look for her. "We looked everywhere and I've seen maintenance go into this vent." Fives dragged something over to the vent. She and Rex stilled, he had moved her lek from his lips but hadn't let go of it. The warmth of his hand — it was a little arousing. The bolts creaked and bright light came in. They squinted, having gotten used to the small light of Rex's helmet. Fives grinned. "I found them Tup."
"Well tell them to get their shebs down and report to General Skywalker!"
Fives gave them a shit-eater grin. "Aww, look at you too. All snuggled in the vent like a couple of bugs."
"Watch it, Fives," Rex growled. Fives chuckled.
"Wanna know what he calls you, Commander," Fives said, Ahsoka cocked her head, flummoxed. "When he's alone and doesn't think we're listening. When he's all alone in his bunk." Something darkled in Fives' eyes. A brother knowing a closely guarded secret of his older brother's. Ahsoka would be lying if she said her curiosity wasn't piqued.
"Fives, shut your mouth, that's an order."
Fives ignored him. "He calls you—"
"Fives!" Rex reached for Fives, Ahsoka squeaked. Fives laughing, hopped down.
"See ya in the mess Captain!" he called. "I'll tell General Skywalker you're debauching his Padawan."
"Fives!" Rex shouted. "I'm going to put you on report!" Fives just laughed.
Ahsoka chuckled, wriggling around and kissed Rex on the cheek. "I know you hate this but" — she used to Force to push Rex out and lower him to the deck — "sorry." She dropped his helmet and he caught it. "Next time—"
"Next time," Rex said, "just meet me in the Chief's mess. We can have caf and uj cake." He smiled as she landed next to him. "No need to go hiding in auxiliary vents."
"It's a date." She laughed when he shoved his bucket into his head, but she did note the spring in his step as he walked off.